“The USSR Never Fell”, say CIA-backed Leftists

commietrump

CHICAGO – It has been nearly 50 years since all of these U.S. left-wing organisations have been able to sit together in the same room, and the tension is palpable. But no one present is here to revive old arguments about Trotsky, Mao, and Stalin, or whether it is better to organise on a trans-national class basis or on the basis of oppressed nations.

“We have to refute these bourgeois lies,” Carrie Szymanski, founder of the Three Worlds Society began, to rapturous applause: “The USSR never fell, and those who claim that Kazakhstan or Estonia are sovereign states are victims of the most base FBI psy-ops.”

The conference—”Towards A Worker’s Struggle Against Revisionism: New Perspectives”—was called on short notice to coincide with the inauguration of president-elect Donald Trump, and brought together various far-left CIA front groups—no matter whether M, ML, MLM, MLT, or MLTP in ideology—for the first time since a series of acrimonious splits in the mid-20th century.

“Anyone who claims that the country Sarah Palin could see from her house is the so-called ‘Russian Federation’ has objectively fallen into dogmato-revisionist Brezhnevo-Bordigaism, and is standing in the way of the inevitable victory of Communism,” Szymanski continued, sending the crowd to fever pitch of shouting.

Bob Avakian, who has taken a break from his busy schedule as the Karl Marx of our time to attend the conference was next up at the podium. Upon seizing the microphone, he began: “Yes, y’all. Is this thing on? The Soviet imperialists are indeed still a threat. Together with the forces of the FBI, the Soviet Imperialists conspired to defeat our popular front efforts with Ted Cruz during the Republican primaries.

“If we stop the FBI, we stop Russia: This dangerous internal arm of US imperialism has time and again thwarted our efforts to educate the Afro-American masses about their national leader, Bob Avakian. Anyone who does not now unite with the CIA in struggle against the FBI is objectively Phünwangist.”

The US SWP sent up their spokesperson next: “Isn’t the real problem Hamas? I mean, just think about it. Really think about it,” they said, to approving nods from the assembled.

So what has led all of these diverse CIA front groups to temporarily bury the hatchet after so many years of semi-libellous journal articles, exchanges of cursing on obscure Yahoo Newsgroups and occasional spite-fucking?

“Normally, we wouldn’t be able to convince Trotskyist CIA members to endorse a call that doesn’t include a reference to the Soviet Union as ‘Stalinist’,” explained Szymanski to us on the floor of the conference hall. “However, the election of Donald Trump is a move that threatens all CIA-backed left groups, and so for once they had to show some fucking solidarity.”

Should the USSR remain an extant and sovereign state, a position which every single one of the conference’s speakers vigorously defended, Donald Trump’s perceived closeness with Moscow would radically decrease his popularity among the Republican base, hampering his attempts to control Congress and likely bringing forward the date of his assassination by 5-8 weeks.

We asked Szymanski more about her political background:

“They asked us at basic training who wanted to be a part of a white nationalist group, and every hand went up,” she recalled. “I drew the short straw, and ended up in a New Communist Movement-influenced commune in Philadelphia,” .

“But in 1977, we had a huge fight over ‘Socialism with Chinese Characteristics’, and we split. I mean, fuck Deng Xiaoping, man, fuck him.”

“Fuck you, you fucking crypto-Hoxhaite left deviationist!” shouted Tim (you all know which one), who had found his way to the conference somehow.

The veteran Maoist burst into tears. “It’s just so hurtful. If it weren’t for my CIA paycheque, I’d move to Australia and join the CPA(ML).”

A counter-protest organised by FBI front groups in front of the venue attracted over ten thousand promises of attendance on Facebook, but WS investigation revealed only seven people, three placards and one dog had turned up.

Worker’s Spatula did meet one actually class conscious individual who didn’t support either the FBI or the CIA against one another. She appeared to have been invited by mistake, and agreed to talk to us on grounds of anonymity: “At first I thought this whole thing was some kind of communist joke,” the young woman wearing an Engels t-shirt. “But then I found out that lunch was catered.”

“Only the state has the kind of resources to provide that much bream.”

At time of press, someone who had put up their hand to ask a question was on their ninth minute of explaining their micro-sect’s definition of the true nature of the Soviet Union.

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