Oscar Temaru Blames Failure on “Les Blancs”

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PARIS – Following the conclusion of the first round of French presidential elections, the Spatula’s favoured candidate, Oscar Temaru, has been knocked out of the race by a veritable menagerie of white people, including other social democrats who couldn’t even manage to beat out Le Pen and Macron.

The Spatula’s local correspondent was present at Temaru’s press conference, where he gave the following statement:

Friends, comrades, ICOR and ICMLPO (Maoist) representatives: thank you all for being here. We ran a good campaign, and we certainly won’t surrender now. I salute all our people in the streets, in the workplaces, in the universities, in all spheres of life, who stand against the dictats of French Republic, its imperialist manoeuvres, and its frankly awful cuisine.

Our campaign was right, and if I had a chance to run it again, I would change only one thing: France has too many white people.

Again I reiterate that I don’t mean this in a racist way. I don’t hate white people. I don’t want to deport white people. I simply think that there are disproportionately many of them in France given their actual contributions to building France into what it is today, and I wish that French civil society more fully reflected the reality that without Polynesia, there would be no France as we know it.

What has been made clear, not only by my defeat in this election, but also in the remaining two choices, is that white people in France cannot be trusted to solve this problem on their own. They simply refuse to recognise the historical justice that would manifest itself in the un-bleaching of French society. The white minority nationalities of France, such as the Basques and Bretons, refuse to even take seriously their historical duty to remove themselves from France in the service of this goal.

I fear that the objective conditions simply made it impossible for us to win this election, and may even make it impossible to win the next election. We will struggle on regardless, but I wish to make one thing perfectly clear: We did not lose this election, white people stole it.

Given the choice between Le Pen and Macron, the Spatula default to the Hoxhaist ICMLPO position of recommending all French comrades cast their vote for Donald Trump, as the lesser evil.

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Aboriginals Raise Language Standards for Immigrants to Australia

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DARWIN – Controversy surrounds the latest decision to raise linguistic standards for immigrants to Australia to ensure they can pass a strict language proficiency test imposed by the federal authorities in Darwin today.

“It doesn’t seem that odd to me,” said government spokeswoman Alinga Barton, “If people want to come halfway across the world to live in Australia, the least they could do is adapt to some token extent to our culture and way of life.

“If they can’t even speak the basics of a single Pama–Nyungan language, I don’t understand how we’re expected to live with them.”

Aboriginal Australia was broadly united in their support for this new policy, with over 78% of Aboriginal Australians citing fears that if immigration is left unchecked at current rates, their descendants may lose all trace of Australian culture and speak some totally foreign language, brought by greedy immigrants with no respect for their heritage.

Immigrant rights groups have objected to the policy as racist and paranoid. We spoke with “White Australia” spokesman Sean Jeffries:

I like to think of myself as an immigrant success story. I came here when I was 12 years old and still managed to learn Warlpiri fluently, marry myself a Warlpiri wife, everything. I’m practically a real Australian now. But not everyone is so lucky. Many are excluded from mainstream Australian life because they can only speak English or Croatian, and it’s completely unfair.

If you’d just give white people a chance, you’ll see that we can learn your language and way of life. It just takes time. So long as Australian society is built around an Aboriginal core, with business and education being conducted entirely in Aboriginal languages, there’s no reason to fear immigrants and our languages.

Not all immigrant groups are so hostile to the policy however. On the contrary, Pauline Han, a Salar Muslim immigrant from China, was sharply critical of the “White Australia” group and what she characterised as its “presumptious attitude of entitlement towards Australian society”:

Australia doesn’t owe you a home, Australia doesn’t owe you a job, Australia has thousands of its own to look after. I can’t stand all these white people, showing up uninvited, parasitically using up all Australia’s resources, and then demanding everyone speak English for them on top of it all!

Even the fact that I have learnt fluent Wik Mungkan doesn’t afford me any right to be here. I’m a guest in Australia, and I know it. So when the real Australians just ask that we do this one simple thing, I don’t complain, I thank them.

Worker’s Spatula Editor-in-Chief Revealed to be Your Flatmate

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YOUR FLAT – Months of research have finally confirmed your suspicion that Worker’s Spatula, the most popular source of anti-revisionist snark on the internet, is run by none other than your flatmate.

Your flatmate, who is always seen with a döner wrap in one hand and a Persian-language history of the Kurdish national movement in the other, is supposed to be doing a Master’s in Economics or some such, but actually spends more time smoking in your shared kitchen, mumbling about Turkish politics, a pastime which has been confirmed to be part of the Spatular lifestyle.

Attempts at broaching the subject of Worker’s Spatula with your flatmate have up to this point been fruitless, with the latter constantly brushing off the Spatula by referring to it as “that juvenile bullshit you keep sharing on your Facebook page”. These words, however, were in stark contrast to your flatmate’s deeds, including meeting up at odd hours with local breamfishers, calling Sarajevo, Ankara, and Liechtenstein.

The conclusive proof came today when you found your flatmate’s unlocked smartphone sitting on the table, with a group WhatsApp chat entitled “Dialectics Firing Squad” open to a vote on what the Spatula Reading Group reading for the second half of April would be, with your flatmate, referred to by others as the “editor-in-chief”, casting the decisive vote in favour of more Hegel.

When confronted, your flatmate responded that he was done with the Spatula now, as it wasn’t funny anymore, and was thinking of shutting the site down. Asked if this wouldn’t be a shame, given the Spatula’s broad following, your flatmate responded by saying “When websites are shut down there should be parties to celebrate the victory of dialectics, to celebrate the destruction of the old.”

Spanish State Begging ETA to Rearm

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BILBAO – Following an announcement of a unilateral decommissioning of arms by the left-wing Basque national liberation group known as ETA (Basque Country and Freedom), the Spanish state, fearing increasing economic instability as the EU begins to disintegrate around them, are apparently trying to convince their enemies to rearm.

“We’ve received dozens of letters from various PSOE and PP politicians urging us to set off a bomb or shoot a cop or something. At first we thought it was some kind of joke, and then we remembered the reason why we’re disarming in the first place: we’re supposedly delegitimising the Abertzale left,” explained our masked interlocutor, as he poured boxes full of bullets into a roaring bonfire.

“Now whenever I wake up and find a bomb on my doorstep, I understand it’s not a threat, but a gift from the PP who are concerned about their own electoral future.”

“EYYY Spain, don’t think we don’t know what you’re doing!” exclaimed Erdoğan, in a televised interview where he explained international politics in his usual accurate fashion to the population of Turkey. “The Spanish are having the Basques give their guns to the Kurds because they’re jealous of our world class bridges! If the Spanish respected their Turkish-Andalusian heritage, they would blow some Basque town off the map!”

At this juncture, most non-Turkish readers probably assume that we’re just ascribing a random selection of words to Turkish president Erdoğan, rather than giving a fairly accurate impression of how his speeches usually go. We assure you, this is how Erdoğan actually talks and behaves.

However, in stark contrast to the usual treatment of Erdoğan’s outbursts by state representatives abroad, Erdoğan’s advice is being considered quite seriously in Madrid. Our source in Madrid spoke to several ministers and their aides on condition of anonymity, and apparently launching a pointless war is in the cards for the PP-led government.

“We’re already on the verge of losing Gibraltar,” explained one anonymous source, “and nobody wants to risk losing Catalonia and the Basque Country too. But they refuse to acknowledge our modest demand to allow the Spanish state to determine its own future, and therefore we may be forced to take up arms against them.”

“Our main concern,” explained another source, “is that if we pull an Erdoğan and just launch a military operation against a group which has unilaterally declared a ceasefire, well in our case it’s worse, they’re disarming… it may backfire. Rather than delegitimising left Basque nationalism, it may relegitimise ETA itself.

“Our only hope,” our source explained, looking over their shoulder to make sure no one was listening before finishing, “is to blame the Russians. That seems to be working very well for left-liberals in the US against Trump, and we’re confident it can save Spain as well.”