Worker’s Spatula Ayatollah Clarifies Acts Prohibited During Ramadan Fast

Ramadan

BAGHDAD – During his traditional start-of-Ramadan address, Grand Ayatollah Hussein al-Sibatula has reiterated the importance of the Ramadan fast to communists around the world, and in particular the importance for the anti-revisionist faithful in refraining from all forbidden acts.

“No sex, which you shouldn’t be having even outside of Ramadan, unless you want to end up like the Iraqi Communist Party. No masturbation, intellectual or sexual, even after sunset. Obviously no food or drink, until the adhan sounds and it is time to feast upon bream and masgouf.

“No leather shoes,” added Ayatollah al-Sibatula, lest anyone forget.

“May Allah shower blessings upon those who complete the fast successfully,” the learned cleric continued to the assembled Bolshevik crowd. “Many of you will be in Sinjar, with the Yezidis, who will not be fasting. If you persevere, inşallah all your deviations of the past year will be forgiven.

“Naturally Ramadan is not only about the fast. It is a time for reflection on Allah’s mercy and the teachings in the Holy Qur’an and the writings of Vladimir Lenin. When Allah revealed His truth to our prophets, He knew that we would be tested. He tests us with the Ramadan fast, just as He tests us with the followers of Muawiyah, Trotsky, and Tito. But in the face of all these tests, we must be pure, in obedience to Allah. Purify your bodies, but also purify your minds, and your practice. Do not slander, do not backbite. Do not deviate to the left, or to the right. Do not engage in voluntarism, sectarianism, or opportunism.

“Whosoever can make it through all of Ramadan without speaking ill of the other three Worker’s Spatula organisations will be forgiven for all the dumb satire they have written, and their organisation will be blessed with many new and disciplined cadre.

“As Allah has willed, you have all made your niyyah. May Allah accept each and every one of your fasts, and may your newspapers be widely read. May the dialectic resolve all contradictions in your favour, and may the workers and oppressed peoples of the world unite.”

“Amin,” responded the gathered communists, reverently, before standing and shuffling out of the mosque, the cleric’s words weighing heavily on their minds for the rest of the day.

Allah bütün oruç tutanların orucunu kabul etsin. –Worker’s Spatula

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Point/Counterpoint: Iranian Elections

IranElection

Point: We Must Support Rouhani as the Communist Candidate for Iran

by Worker’s Spatula Representative

Iran is a complicated place, with multiple nations living within its borders, a severely repressed trade unionist movement with roots going back decades, and extremely difficult contradictions with regard to women’s issues. There is no easy answer to the many problems that face Iran, from secularism to socialism, and we must make tactical compromises.

Under the current conditions, it seems that the Rouhani presidency can still play a progressive role. While there can be no substitute for a movement of the streets for Iranian comrades on the ground, they too would reluctantly agree that Rouhani represents the most progressive force possible at his level of “big” politics.

As one of the founders of the Worker’s Spatula Centre for Shariati Studies, I have long had a keen interest in Iran and its politics. As a supporter of the ICMLPO (Unity and Struggle), I am deeply interested in contradictions in the international arena. That’s why, in spite of my many criticisms of Mr. Rouhani, I have nothing but the strongest support for his plan to heal old wounds between our movement and the regime by promoting Hamid Reza Chitgar’s daughter as his choice for the next Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran, following the death of Khamenei.

In spite of the Iranian regime’s many flaws, and many compromises with imperialism which possessed an opportunistic rather than tactical character, there is still hope for Iran, even within reformist elements of the regime. Rouhani’s recent interview in which he described Ebrahim Raisi as “a proponent of the revisionist Three Worlds Theory” represents such a hope.

Vote Rouhani in the upcoming Iranian elections, the only candidate who has read Alain Badiou!

Counterpoint: Vote Rouhani to Stem the Tide of Counter-Revolution!

by Twitter Left Representative

Iran is not a complicated country, with so-called “multiple nations” (as all true Marxist-Leninists know, this is an impossibility, as there can only be one Iranian nation), or so-called “contradictions”. It is quite simply this: the most heroic, self-sacrificing anti-imperialist state in the world!

Iran is the greatest, and anyone who criticises Iran for any reason is probably a Trot. Not only do the masses of Iranians wholly support their regime, which is almost as socialist as Syria or China, but the downtrodden peoples in all neighbouring countries, whether Iraq, Afghanistan, or Pakistan, all agree that Iran has always rushed to their defence in times of need.

Since Iran is good, and not bad, any challenge to the established order in Iran is plainly a plot by US imperialism, and must be fiercely opposed. Therefore, anyone who votes for, or encourages a vote for, or stands as a candidate against the legitimate President of the Islamic Republic of Iran, is an objective agent of US imperialism, and a wrecker who deserves no fate gentler than immediate execution.

To those who even dream of discussing what the effect of any change to the government in Iran might mean for the position of Supreme Leader following the latter’s death, know this: If the Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran chooses to die at any point, this too represents an act of collusion with US imperialism. I call on Supreme Leader Sayyid Ali Hosseini Khamenei to resolutely stand against the US imperialist plot of ageing and death, and instead live on forever, in hiding, much like Muhammad al-Mahdi.

In conclusion: Vote Rouhani for stability in the face of the Kurdish and Baloch ethno-nationalist plots of objective agents of US imperialism, like Worker’s Spatula.

Happy Mother’s Day from Worker’s Spatula

IvanaMama

“Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!”

“Oh, thank you so much sweetie, you really didn’t have to…”

“Go on, Mom, open it, open it!”

Worker’s Spatula’s Oakland correspondent watched excitedly as her mother opened up the long box.

“It looks like some kind of bazooka!” exclaimed our correspondent’s mother, sitting up in bed. Our correspondent rolled her eyes:

“Mom, don’t be ignorant, a Kalashnikov and a bazooka are entirely different weapons.”

“Well I’ve never held one of either before, have I?”

“Mom, we’ve got to fight ISIS.”

“I thought we were going out for mimosas!”

“We’re going to have brunch on the flight to Iraq, which I’ve also paid for.”

“Oh shoot, I don’t know about all that. I had really just wanted some mimosas and maybe some avocado toast.”

“Mom, don’t you see, what we’re fighting for is the right of all women to drink mimosas. We’re fighting to the defence of Yezidi children from the fascist ISIS thugs. This is for the Cumartesi Anneleri and the democratic revolution in Turkey, not only the Roja Rizgariyê of the ezilen Kürt halkı. This is the most dialectical Mother’s Day gift I could possibly give you!”

“[REDACTED], I don’t want you to misunderstand me on this, because you know I support you in all your little… projects, but I don’t actually know what some of those words mean. I’m pretty sure a few of them weren’t actually English.”

At this juncture, our Oakland correspondent snatched the rifle from her mother’s hands. “Whatever, Mom.”

“No, I didn’t mean to say I didn’t like it!”

“WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN, MOM? WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO LIKE SOMETHING? IT’S OBVIOUS THAT YOU DON’T SEE YOUR REFLECTION IN IT! YOU’RE ALIENATED FROM MY WONDERFUL MOTHER’S DAY GIFT OF REVOLUTION, WHICH MEANS I HAVE FAILED AS A DAUGHTER AND AS A REVOLUTIONARY VANGUARD.”

“No, you’re a wonderful voluntary van guard! Really!”

“I don’t WANT to be a voluntarist, mother!” shrieked our correspondent, letting off several rounds into the ceiling in rage. “God, I wish I was never born!”

Our correspondent’s mother sat in silence in her bedroom, watching the dust float down from the bullet holes in the ceiling.

[REDACTED] poked her head back through the doorway sheepishly, “So, um… should I go get the car and we can go get some omelettes or something?”

“That sounds wonderful, sweetie. I’ll just get dressed real quick.”

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL OUR COMRADE MOTHERS WHO HAVE MADE US WHO WE ARE TODAY.

SOLIDARITY WITH THE CUMARTESİ ANNELERİ.

Jeremy Corbyn Announces Plan to Run Over Reactionaries in Bus

bus

ISLINGTON – Announcing what is already promising to be his most popular policy yet, Jeremy Corbyn says he plans to travel around in a “For the Many, Not the Few” bus and run over reactionary scum.

“The BBC cameraman’s foot was just the beginning. You won’t believe all the bastards I’m going to run over once I really get going,” the leader of the British Party of Labour explained, quite Hoxhaistly, to the assembled crowd of reporters.

“This is empty populism,” explained local Real Revolutionary™ and member of the RCG Sean Davies, “Corbyn’s just exploiting popular support for the reasonable policy of running down various imperialist warmongers and capitalist exploiters in a big red bus so that he can keep using the British state’s funds to maintain his Islington bunker.

“You can’t run down imperialists in an imperialist bus. It simply won’t work. It’s against the laws of dialectics.”

Critics within the Labour Party are concerned with the prospects for future electability presented by an election platform based upon the destruction of the bodies of various reactionaries under the tyres of a massive red bus, concerns Corbyn has refuted as “irrelevant” on the grounds that “This hasn’t got anything to do with the election in the first place, it is simply a principled stance.

“I intend to run over reactionaries no matter the result of this or any future election, because I believe in a Labour Party built upon principles of vehicular homicide for the enemies of ordinary working people.”

Jeremy Corbyn was last seen leaning out the window of the “For the Many, Not the Few” bus, feeling the wind and sea on his face as he drove across the English Channel, screaming “You’re next, Erdoğan, you ayran-drinking bastard!”

 

French Anti-Fascist Front to be Built Around Racist Austerity with a Human Face

NaziMacron

PARIS – Informed and reasonable people across France and in sympathetic imperialist countries are urging all French voters to come out for Macron in the Second Round of the French elections, in which voters will be asked to choose their preferred candidate in a system of run-off voting which, for the unfamiliar, basically prolongs the experience in countries without run-off voting.

Individuals who describe themselves as “socialist, but not in a mad way” are united around the view that Macron must be fervently supported to prevent Le Pen from being elected, although they are less able to articulate why the Le Pen dynasty is such a consistent threat to their estimably reasonable political positions, election year after election year.

What they did know was that Macron will certainly be better for the people living in France:

“I’ve done the maths, and my estimates indicate that we may be able to reduce the number of people killed on the basis of social policy which devalues their very lives by as much as a third if they are murdered for their social class rather than their race, colour, creed, etc.” explained utilitarian philosopher and stats boffin Jules Liechtenstein. “In addition, the high rate of suicide due to the unemployment Macron would create, plus the unnecessary deaths due to his defunding of public services like healthcare, would be dragged out over many years. That’s a big savings in life-years and a potential increase in Gross National Happiness when compared to the death camps Le Pen is proposing.”

“There are those who propose that the death camps would be better for Gross National Happiness on the grounds that French life is already such a miserable charade, such a farce, such a fucking je ne sais quoi of immiseration and despair, that maybe the sooner we’re all rounded up, the better. This is a clearly uninformed position, as the hours prior to suicide may be spent drinking lovely wine in a lovely park; while in a death camp, the scenery is generally considered to be unpleasant and the wine sub-par, and the whole experience therefore somewhat detrimental to the happiness averages.”

Our local correspondent interjected at this point: “Isn’t it true that black and Muslim French people will be killed by fascistic police in either case, and that thousands of refugees already languish in inhumane conditions in detention centres?”

“Of course,” replied Liechtenstein. “But be reasonable. That’s just the way things are, we’ve got to prevent fascist ideas from gaining a foothold in French politics now.”

Worker’s Spatula’s English correspondents found a general solidarity with the reasonable descendents of Maximilien Robespierre in academic haunts of England as well: Trevor Stutts, a liberal Professor of Trade Union Studies at the University of Sunderland said: “I’ve long said that if the left want to stop the right, they have to just close their eyes and just vote for whatever the right wants them to vote for, no matter how awful it is. What’s more, I’ve proven this logically.” At this juncture, Stutts gestured over to a flip chart bearing the formula “Fascism minus Epsilon > Fascism”.

“Anyone who understands basic maths and logic can see that if the far left simply choose to act rationally, unlike Slavoj Žižek and other such ultra-left radicals, they will take a firm stand against fascism by embracing its acceptable “social” form.”

Asked whether he had plans to vote in the upcoming British General Elections, Prof. Stutts said he couldn’t possibly bring himself to vote for a Labour Party candidate who wouldn’t even wear a proper suit.

Erkan Baş Speech Briefly Interrupted by Splitters

Erkan

İSTANBUL/STEMBOL – As Erkan Baş, the leader of the Communist Party of Turkey (also known as HTKP), took to the stage at the International Workers’ Day celebration in Bakırköy (Kurdish: Gundê Bekir), a group of neo-Trotskyite splitters from the TKP calling themselves “KP” began jeering at TÖPG’s favourite Brezhnevite, doubtless driven by jealousy of Erkan Baş’s formidable moustache.

“This is truly unacceptable,” explained leader of the KP pack and occasional reader of Nazım Hikmet poetry Emre Tokatçı to an EMEP-affiliated* Worker’s Spatula correspondent in attendance. “We only came because we thought we were going to be the centre of attention. If anyone is going to mention any other communists in Turkey, we’re going home.”

Following the completion of this sentence, all assembled KP members indeed began marching home, to the comfort of the Nazım Hikmet Kültür Merkezi in Ali Suavi Sk. (AKA Sanatçılar Sokağı) in Kadıköy.

For our foreign readers, the NHKM is a magical place where nobody ever mentions Kurds or popular fronts or any other such right deviationist nonsense.

By sheer coincidence, this move to abandon the International Workers’ Day celebration also meant that KP avoided any confrontation with the fascist Turkish police whatsoever.

The KP’s sister party in Greece, KKE, responded immediately with a statement condemning the entire Turkish left for “failing to defend KP, at a time when the sharpest and clearest contradiction in Turkish society is the defence of Kemal Okuyan”.

The Turkish Ministry of the Interior has issued a statement encouraging all young communists who insist on wasting their time with “that nonsense” to side with KP against all rivals (whether HTKP, TKP 1920, or KP-İÖ, if they still exist). The Turkish Foreign Ministry, meanwhile, has issued a statement encouraging all foreigners to simply ignore the whole affair, and indeed, anything that is not printed in an official AKP-approved press release.

*ESP and Devrimci Parti were mostly embedded in the fight for Taksim.

DSA Celebrate Loyalty Day

DSA

CHICAGO – Following news that Donald “Chelsea” Trump had “proclaimed” May 1st to be “Loyalty Day”, History majors and long-time labour activists across the imperialist United States of Amerikkka have taken the occasion to remind everyone that “Loyalty Day” is a long-time reactionary tradition of the imperialist bourgeoisie in that country, and as such Trump has actually done nothing that any of his predecessors have not done to overshadow and delegitimise annual celebrations of the Marxist-Leninist holiday.

Reassured of the legitimacy of “Loyalty Day” in the eyes of the Democratic Party, the DSA, a small Stalinist entryist group within the larger Democratic Party plan to take to the streets to celebrate “Loyalty Day” in the loudest and most loyal way possible.

“I’m so glad to live in America, with its socialist police force, and not in anti-democratic Venezuela!” explained local white Chicago resident and DSA member Sean McGruder, as he handed out flyers inviting other members of the labour aristocracy to the DSA’s May 1st celebration. “God bless America!”

“May 1st is as American as July 4th or Labo[u]r Day,” concurred his friend Michael Del Franco, “We’re loyal to the US constitution, which is the real revolutionary tool of the working class to achieve political power.”

Not all were convinced by the DSA’s rhetoric, however. Local professor and known spoilsport Alfonso Casal said some things about “McCarthyism” and “wer hat uns verraten” to an assembled crowd of decidedly un-democratic socialists:

“I would call the DSA reformists, but they’d probably correct me and say that they aren’t interested in reforms, but democratic reforms. I would charge the DSA with the murder of Rosa Luxemburg, but they would probably respond by pointing out that Rosa Luxemburg was murdered by a democratically-elected government.”

For our part, the US wing of Worker’s Spatula will also be celebrating Loyalty Day. What follows is a statement endorsed by all our US correspondents, editors, and rabble-rousers:

We’ve never felt so loyal. Loyal to our accelerationist president. Loyal to a decreasing rate of profit, loyal to the increasing immiseration of the workers, which signals the gradual re-proletarianisation of the oppressor settler-colonialist Yankee nation’s labour aristocracy, and/or the coming rising up of the oppressed Afro-American people.

We predict a revolution in the US by the end of Trump’s second term.

After all, there’s no chance of the Democrats winning in 2020 if they put Jeb Bush up as their candidate again.