French Anti-Fascist Front to be Built Around Racist Austerity with a Human Face

NaziMacron

PARIS – Informed and reasonable people across France and in sympathetic imperialist countries are urging all French voters to come out for Macron in the Second Round of the French elections, in which voters will be asked to choose their preferred candidate in a system of run-off voting which, for the unfamiliar, basically prolongs the experience in countries without run-off voting.

Individuals who describe themselves as “socialist, but not in a mad way” are united around the view that Macron must be fervently supported to prevent Le Pen from being elected, although they are less able to articulate why the Le Pen dynasty is such a consistent threat to their estimably reasonable political positions, election year after election year.

What they did know was that Macron will certainly be better for the people living in France:

“I’ve done the maths, and my estimates indicate that we may be able to reduce the number of people killed on the basis of social policy which devalues their very lives by as much as a third if they are murdered for their social class rather than their race, colour, creed, etc.” explained utilitarian philosopher and stats boffin Jules Liechtenstein. “In addition, the high rate of suicide due to the unemployment Macron would create, plus the unnecessary deaths due to his defunding of public services like healthcare, would be dragged out over many years. That’s a big savings in life-years and a potential increase in Gross National Happiness when compared to the death camps Le Pen is proposing.”

“There are those who propose that the death camps would be better for Gross National Happiness on the grounds that French life is already such a miserable charade, such a farce, such a fucking je ne sais quoi of immiseration and despair, that maybe the sooner we’re all rounded up, the better. This is a clearly uninformed position, as the hours prior to suicide may be spent drinking lovely wine in a lovely park; while in a death camp, the scenery is generally considered to be unpleasant and the wine sub-par, and the whole experience therefore somewhat detrimental to the happiness averages.”

Our local correspondent interjected at this point: “Isn’t it true that black and Muslim French people will be killed by fascistic police in either case, and that thousands of refugees already languish in inhumane conditions in detention centres?”

“Of course,” replied Liechtenstein. “But be reasonable. That’s just the way things are, we’ve got to prevent fascist ideas from gaining a foothold in French politics now.”

Worker’s Spatula’s English correspondents found a general solidarity with the reasonable descendents of Maximilien Robespierre in academic haunts of England as well: Trevor Stutts, a liberal Professor of Trade Union Studies at the University of Sunderland said: “I’ve long said that if the left want to stop the right, they have to just close their eyes and just vote for whatever the right wants them to vote for, no matter how awful it is. What’s more, I’ve proven this logically.” At this juncture, Stutts gestured over to a flip chart bearing the formula “Fascism minus Epsilon > Fascism”.

“Anyone who understands basic maths and logic can see that if the far left simply choose to act rationally, unlike Slavoj Žižek and other such ultra-left radicals, they will take a firm stand against fascism by embracing its acceptable “social” form.”

Asked whether he had plans to vote in the upcoming British General Elections, Prof. Stutts said he couldn’t possibly bring himself to vote for a Labour Party candidate who wouldn’t even wear a proper suit.

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