LONDON – “I don’t understand!” cried Corbyn, slamming his fist against the wall of his Islington bunker. “They kept trying to link us to the Provos, and what could make it more clear where we stand on them than this?”
“I know, I know…” concurred Diane Abbott. “And we’re even taking an interest in Buckingham Palace, the media is just really unfair to us.”
For hours, sources across the political spectrum in the UK have been reacting with shock and horror to a leaked plan to replace Queen Elizabeth II with Gary Donnelly, who would be crowned King Gary I, King of the Irish Isles.
“You see why I keep emphasising the national interest now, don’t you?” explained noted wheat field runner and part-time Prime Minister Theresa May to the Spatula’s Downing Street correspondent. “None of you believed me, until now, but now you see it. Are you going to let Corbyn bring a Papist into Buckingham Palace?”
“I tried to warn you,” agreed noted Welsh national embarrassment Owen Smith. “I’m as radical as the next one, but this is not how you win elections. I want a Northern Irish monarch as much as Corbyn does, but compromise is key. We could’ve chosen someone from the UDA, for example.”
Reaction from the occupied North of Ireland, however, has been quite positive, with the notable exception of Gary Donnelly himself, who has denied all claims of any connection between himself and Jeremy Corbyn. The RIRA have released a video claiming that they have “thousands” of weapons stashed in Buckingham Palace that they hope to be able to retrieve. INLA, for their part, released a video with similar claims, with the noteworthy difference that they plan to immediately decommission the weapons after retrieving them.
Provisional Sinn Féin, for their part, are ecstatic about this latest development in the saga of Irish Republicanism within the Party of Labour:
“With an Irish monarch in power, we can finally legitimise entering the Palace of Westminster. We look forward to bringing down the Union Jack and raising the tricolour over Londain with the help of our comrade-in-arms, John McDonnell.”