Anarchist Disappointed Sun Tzu’s “Art of War” Not as Metal as Expected

“It’s just some dumb book full of stupid words.”

ArtOWar

MELBOURNE – The Melbourne chapter of the Spatula Reading Group has recently gained a new member in local anarchist Kirk Jones from the Melbourne suburb or Northcote. Catching up on the reading has been tricky for the initially enthusiastic newcomer, who was suprised by the disproportionate emphasis on Chinese classics.

“Mengzi? The Tao Te Ching? Are these even words?” asked the incredulous anarchist to the reading group leader, who stared back blankly at him before returning to alphabetising the German idealism.

However, the brave anarchist has been soldiering on, attempting to discern the point of the pile of texts about contradictions and development which are the bread and butter of our satire page. Patience, however, has been wearing thin.

“The Art of War was one I was really looking forward to. I was hoping that would be the break from all this boring bullshit about ethics and spirit and whatever. It’s supposed to be a Chinese bloke going on about war, but it’s probably the most boring one of all!

“Fuck!” he added.

“First of all, it’s clearly written by some sort of cop, I mean, ‘you can be sure of succeeding in your attacks if you only attack places which are undefended’? Where’s the fun in that?

“Secondly, with a name like ‘Art of War’, you’d think it’d be really fucking metal. But it’s not actually, it’s just some dumb book full of stupid words. When I heard all the Vietnamese guerrillas read it during the war, I figured it was some sort of Maoist verison of ‘the Anarchist Cookbook’, but it turns out to be some Taoist version of ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’.

“A complete waste of time,” he concluded.

At time of press, Jones was critiquing the ‘art’ component of the title, given that the Chinese classic failed to include even one ‘gruesome picture of some guy getting his head chopped off’.

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News in Brief: August 14th 2017

2ShadesofGrey

INDIANAPOLIS, USA – Local Punjabi immigrant and small business owner Gurpreet Singh installed a triple locking steel door in the place of his old wooden door on his house today. He stressed however that this did not constitute taking a side between fascists and anti-fascists: “Of course this door might protect me from a racist who wants to break into my house and kill me, but it could just as easily protect me from anarchists who want to break into my house and make me listen to hardcore punk music.”

JAPAN, LET’S JUST GO WITH JAPAN – Marxist Memes are to release a book of erotica aimed at their audience of real materialists, and not post-modern trans rights liberals, like yourself. Some brief selections follow:

She unbuttoned his shirt, and noted his proportionate muscle mass.

‘You’re quite a fine specimen of a man,’ she said. ‘You’re so much physically stronger than me, I think about it whenever I deal with sexism in any social context.’

‘I oppose sexism,’ he moaned, proving his Marxist feminism as he unbuttoned his pants.

[…]

He gazed on her vagina. He flicked it with his forefinger, looking up at her, and said, ‘This is a real vagina, not made by surgery. Materialism.’

She orgasmed instantly.

Has-Beens Very Unimpressed with the Struggle

AndrewA

PARIS – The City of Lights, the Big Apple, the Paris of the East: the French capital goes by many names, and is famous as the home of the commune, and the Whopper. But for the past two days, Paris has also hosted the fourth annual International Radical Has-Been Conference.

The move to Paris follows three consecutive years in Wellington, New Zealand, which had been chosen for its extreme safety for our retired radical friends. The pivot to Paris followed a decision at the end of the third conference to relocate to a city whose best years were far behind it.

Hippies, punks, and various breeds of Marxists whose claim to fame and legitimacy is some token act or personal relationship from at least a decade prior which proves they are real radicals; all of these came together to reiterate their pretext for avoiding all contemporary political struggle and organisation.

“I was Lukács’s goddamn student!” explained Andrew Arato, during his keynote speech at the extremely white and overwhelmingly male gathering. “I was, okay? Who could possibly know more about communism, or be more serious about it than me? I have tonnes of other old academic friends you can ask if you doubt me!”

“But mostly, I knew fuckin’ Lukács! You fuckin’ idiots!” he concluded, to raucous applause from the room full of tattooed men who prefer the company of a rotating harem of impressionable younger women who are easily impressed by boastful stories of personal heroism to knowing, in a sexual or (heaven forfend) non-sexual capacity, a single woman who might endanger their ego by engaging in a serious discussion about theory and practice.

A series of panels with very similar titles were held on the second day in the morning: “Heroes of the Arab Spring”, “Heroes of Gezi”, “Heroes of Occupy Wall Street”, and of course, “Heroes of the 2010 Student Protests”. None of the panels contained any single statement that could distinguish any of those present by theoretical commitment, though our correspondent was able to ascertain that self-identified anarchists, Marxist-Leninists, “MLMs”, narodniks, and left communists were all represented in the ranks of the panelists.

“So then a fucking cop comes around the corner, right? And my buddy, Mike, he’s scared as shit, I can see it in his eyes, but I just charge him and kick him. He clubbed us both pretty bad, but at one point I even knocked him down. That was fuckin’ awesome,” explained one speaker on the Occupy Wall Street panel to the thinly populated room.

“You fuckin’ liar! You were the one who was scared! I was the one who knocked down that cop!” interjected the speaker’s friend Mike, leaping self-righteously from his chair and storming from the conference hall in to go purchase some halal fast food from a Tunisian “who probably has to serve racist French people all day, I’m probably the only white person who’s ever said ‘ahlan’ to him.”

The conference wrapped up with a talk on “Prospects for Revolution Today: Why Bother?” by an Israeli leftist who was jailed for his refusal to serve in the Zionist occupation army in like, the ’90s or something.

“As the crisis deepens, we see waves of resistance across the world, from Rojava to South Africa. If you’re anything like me, the first thing this makes you ask yourself is: ‘Wasn’t I really brave when I stood my ground against state repression, years ago? Why can’t people today do something as cool as that one thing I did?’

“The reason is simple. They’re all dumb kids. There’s no point talking to a single one of them, because they haven’t seen what I’ve seen, man. They just take part in stupid projects that aren’t as cool as I was.

“Yeah sure, some of them go so far as to actually face death on the front lines against fascists. But they’re line-jumpers. I’ve yet to hear one martyr pay their respects to heroes like me who paved the way for their posturing. And they’re naïve, they don’t know what I know, and what I can’t teach anyone, because everyone’s so unworthy of my brilliant insights.

“God, it’s so annoying to hear all the apolitical assholes who I’m inexplicably surrounded by talk about the MLKP and TKP/ML like what they’re doing is so impressive. What I did was impressive too, okay? And yet Israel still exists, so what’s the fucking point of anything?

“I’m done, I tell you. I got myself a nice NGO job, I’m building myself a little Ottoman-style harem, and I’m going to live out my days telling anyone who will listen how important my one contribution to struggle is, at any given opportunity. Anything else would just mean tainting my purity by talking to other people, particularly young people.

“Cynics of the world, divide and go home: you have nothing to gain, and a lot of time to waste.”

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Venezuela: Myth vs. Reality

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CARACAS – For some time now, the eyes of the world have been fixed on Venezuela, following news of unrest and an election which the bourgeois media, particularly in imperialist countries, depict as illegitimate.

However, Worker’s Spatula is pleased to announce that we have sent a special correspondent from Buenos Aires to the tropical island nation of Venezuela to see what all the brouhaha is about.

Additionally, hubbub.

While countries as diverse as the United States and the United States’ closest allies continue to repeat rumours of a crackdown, our correspondent could find no evidence of any recent violence of any sort in any of the neighbourhoods of Caracas which he visited. Locals attributed the rumours of unrest to the US-based “International” “Socialist” “Organization”.

“Definitely, the ISO have made up all the stories about clashes between protestors and police. They do it to make themselves look like they have something to say. Like they’re important. Actually there’s nothing happening at all around here,” explained bored Caracan José Marquí González. “I may go see what’s on television.”

Questions about the PSUV and Maduro produced blank stares from most Caracans, until our correspondent was enlightened by local university student Maria Martínez Flores: “The PSUV and Maduro are just stories made up by the PSL so they can feel like they’re in solidarity with something big and important in some better country than their own.

“It’s honestly a bit sad. Impressive that they got most of the world to believe it though.”

The news of the non-existence of the PSUV which Worker’s Spatula readers have been supporting for years stunned our correspondent, who closed out his report with the following editorial statement, the contents of which do not necessarily reflect those of Worker’s Spatula:

We’ve spent quite a few years defending the supposed gains of the Bolivarian Revolution, only to find out that it was all just stories made up by tiny Marxist groups to sell their awful papers. This is even worse than when we found out that there was no refugee crisis from Syria, no war in Syria, and no country called Syria to begin with, because the SWP had made them all up.

What’s next? Are we going to find out that the NPA invented Western Sahara, and the EMEP invented Tunisia?

We may just have to stop basing our entire politics on holding the right positions on international affairs without having any concrete reflection in our own countries’ practical politics.

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