France to Celebrate Football Victory by Returning to France as Usual



PARIS – As ecstatic crowds took the streets across France (as well as other Francophone countries and in many other places around the world) to celebrate France’s decisive victory over Croatia in the World Cup hosted in Moscow today, our correspondents in France peppered themselves throughout the crowds to surreptitiously extract the views of the celebrating masses.

“Yesterday, Bastille Day, today the World Cup! LONG LIVE FRANCE!” exclaimed Jean Thomas, a drunken gentleman wearing one of those tricolour leis who appeared to not particularly comprehend our correspondent’s question: “Do you think that this win will help legitimise the imperialist dominance of France over semi-colonial countries under the rubric of ‘Francophonie’ given the multinational origins of the French team and the consequent international support for this victory?”

“FRAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE!” added Thomas, for emphasis.

Other slightly more sober French individuals gave insufficiently sober analysis of the win:

“I think it’s a wonderful thing that we won with such a diverse team. I think it will really bring France together, to show how many different kinds of people are all equally French,” explained Agathe Kowalski, a young liberal who is apparently just too young to remember the past few decades of domestic French politics.

“Bien sûr, parce que un étranger devient français quand il marque deux buts pour ce pays,” responded our correspondent, to empty stares from Kowalski and her friends.

Slightly removed from the crowds, some white French were more forthcoming with their less palatable views: “After everything we’ve given to these countries, why shouldn’t they feel themselves French? We have a culture, a civilisation, we gave them the football, you know,” explained one “absolutely not racist” gentleman with an intolerably French name.

“I would prefer if there were more French boys on the team,” interjected one of his friends.

“French boys?” enquired our correspondent, raising an eyebrow.

“Originally French, or non-immigrant, euh… t’vois, des blancs.”

Oh là là! Would you be interested in some slightly more intellectual or humorous but equally dismissive pieces about France? Voilà, fellow haters of bourgeois French society and its dictats!

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US Democrats Who Won’t Shut Up About “Russian Conspiracy” Part of Liechtenstein Conspiracy


WASHINGTON DC – Speaking on conditions of anonymity and that if for any reason their identity should be compromised, we would take them into a safehouse for the foreseeable future, a US State Department official revealed some shocking details about the ongoing “#RussiaGate” controversy in that country:

“Any reasonable person can see that the media and various public figures are kind of running with the idea that Russia’s behind every single controversy in the United States, without any of these necessarily making any sense. That’s not the interesting part.

“Some of us started getting suspicious around the time they declared Jill Stein was backed by the Russians. Now, it’s conceivable that Russia would want to use a third party vote to get Trump into office, but then they started talking about Sanders as part of some Russian conspiracy. Sanders would’ve beaten Trump, so that doesn’t make any sense.

“By now I’m sure you’ve heard, the DSA is Russia, #AbolishICE is Russia, Black Lives Matter, it’s all Russia, right? Now nobody can really believe all of that, can they? Is it just journalists having a bit of fun? But then why are Democrats going along with it? So I asked Senator [REDACTED], ‘do you really believe all this stuff about Black Lives Matter being paid by the Russians and so on?’, well he tells me ‘no, but I have to say it’.

“‘Why, the lobbyists?’ I asked, ‘which ones?’. Now, I could imagine all sorts of big money interests behind the Democrats want to keep steering the party as far right as they can, but no, he says, ‘certain fanatical anti-communist groups, if you know what I mean’.”

At this juncture, our informant gave our correspondent a meaningful look.

“Anyone who’s worked for the State Department for even a week knows he means Liechtenstein. I mean, you know these fucks, they still have their Nazi war criminal monument, they use their banking money to put the kibosh on anything that stinks of socialism from here to Sydney.”

[REDACTED], our top secret source at [REDACTED BOURGEOIS NEWS SOURCE], confirmed that several individuals with “German accents” had been seen going into meetings with journalists who were reporting on “RussiaGate”:

Yeah, #MeToo suddenly became Russian, every protest became Russian, I asked [REDACTED] if she felt ethical about spreading such obviously fake news, and she said ‘they offered me an all-expenses-paid trip to Vaduz for Memorial Day Weekend, what do I care if people who will vote for anyone who’s not a Republican think about some marginal left groups?’

I think it’s disgusting personally, but that’s the society we’ve been living in for some time: corporations own the media, special interests own the politicians, and when Liechtenstein says jump, everyone says ‘how high?’

It’s a shame that so many people who aren’t directly benefiting from Liechteinstein’s hush money are parroting their line, but what can you do?

Asked about the allegation that Black Lives Matter, the #MeToo movement, the Green Party, and significant sections of the Sanders campaign and the DSA (particularly the Boston branch) were all under the control of US ICOR affiliate ROL, [REDACTED] responded “well sure, but there’s no money in telling the truth, is there?”

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