Revolutionary Communist Party of Argentina Still Exists, they report


BUENOS AIRES – Our top secret Argentine source reports that the almost-ICOR member/affiliate PCR (Revolutionary Communist Party) of Argentina continues to exist, according to extremely credible information passed to them by the PCR itself, stating, and we quote “we are still holding it down for all the clowns in this bourgeois town”.

The reasons for the use of English to correspond between Argentine and Argentine could not be ascertained. Top dialecticians at the Spatula suspect that the PCR is so incredibly cognisant of the totality of class struggle that they foresaw that this statement would be significant to the Spatula, and would have to be translated to English accordingly.

Alternatively, perhaps we made up the quote for a gag on our stupid page.

Confirming that they “still hate Deng and everything” and “Trots should get shot”, the elusive and ROL-friendly Argentine Maoists sent in several photographs of themselves talking to the masses, which were very impressive, proletarian, and dialectical.

We did see a photo of them drinking wine, but it’s Argentina, so that’s proletarian there, right? In Turkey alcohol is so expensive that even the cheapest of beer reeks of petty bourgeois decadence, and in the rest of the normal world, wine is a bit French, innit?

Despite repeated e-mails, by time of press, no confirmation could be found that the hardest Argentine guerrillas of all time, the ex-Trots of PRT-ERP, still exist in any meaningful sense. But our PCR friends assured us that the People’s War™ in Perú continues, and will spread to Argentina around the same time “our people learn to speak proper Spanish”.

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Humourless Marxist Reviews: Behzat Ç.


Behzat Ç is a Turkish police drama about the existential crises of a detective investigating murders in the Turkish capital Ankara, which would not seem the usual target for a Humourless Marxist Review, particularly written by an Australian comrade, but here we are, aren’t we?

Why did I spend the past three years learning Turkish through this programme as my only form of international theory or practice, while my only domestic practice, organising fast food workers within RaFFWU, dwindled to nothing? Because the Worker’s Spatula Central Committee ordered me to do so, and if the vanguard of the vanguard of the vanguard of the world revolution tells you to watch some Turkish guy with a messy haircut run around in the dark punching criminals and being sad about it, you fucking do it, comrade.

When [REDACTED] first discovered me, I was just a low-level member of Socialist Alliance trying to organise the fast food workers of Melbourne. Now I speak fluent Turkish and am intimately familiar with Turkish drinking culture, and also I’m on my way to “Angara” to join the (Birleşik) Devrimci Parti’nin saflarına. All thanks to three seasons of a show about a cop.

Obviously, this is no communist show. The hero is an officer of the bourgeois state, after all. But the portrayal of the police in the show is consistently revealing of the limitations of “justice” in class society: driven by an honest conscience, whenever Behzat and his friends try to do the right thing, they are either forced to go against the explicit orders of the state bureaucracy and struggle against the actual forces of the state, or they find themselves undermined, and the unjust order uses the police force at large to protect the bourgeois individuals and class interests which, in the final instance, command them.

It’s easy to miss this theme, even for many critical Turkish viewers. In the service of gaining a more total understanding of Ankara society in all its diverse class and social contradictions than any Turkish person, merely from watching this television show, I have not left the house in the past six months, surviving on cigarettes, tea, and rakı, just like Behzat and his friends.

I’m told that a lot of Turkish “diziler” are fixated on the toiling lower classes, and Behzat Ç. is no exception, with many scenes portraying working class neighbourhoods, and even militant leftist organisations. The portrayal of these groups is in many ways inaccurate, but it is broadly sympathetic, and leftist viewers will certainly be interested in this theme.

The gender politics are also not perfect, as one might expect from a show so dominated by men, but it is interesting to watch how even in this context, men have the ability to show emotional vulnerability and cry, etc. Presumably, this show influenced the US programme Steven Universe, which combines Harun’s love of snacks with the more emotionally healthy and gender-progressive men characters to create the titular Steven Universe, the Ankara cop of Anglo children’s TV heroes.

I have reported to [REDACTED] that I finished this series, and would recommend it to others trying to acclimate themselves with the Turkish language and the Ankara culture; she replied that I ought to write this review and publish it on the Spatula page. She then presented me with a thumb drive full of other Turkish “diziler” which she recommends for my flight to Turkey, including “Masum”, “Leyla ile Mecnun”, and “Şahsiyet”.

When I asked if these series were also about Ankara, or were about left politics in Turkey, she replied “no, they’re just really good for binge-watching”.

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Worker’s Spatula Begin Second Three-Year Plan


AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION IN THE SWISS ALPS – Coming up on the third anniversary of the founding of Worker’s Spatula on the 16th of this month, Worker’s Spatula’s Central Committee have convened in a village in the Swiss Alps to appraise the successes and failures of the first Three-Year Plan and outline the second one, to be put into action immediately.

The Three-Year Plan was originally conceived of as a rough guide to the collective’s interventions for the coming period, both in terms of the process and the desired results. Following our general criticism of the 20th century experience as having been insufficiently dialectical, we chose a three-year period over a five-year period on the grounds that a change in quantity would effect a change in quality, and also Lenin: “Better Fewer, But Better”.

Several members spoke of their appraisal of our achievements with regard to our initial ambitions:

“Obviously the greatest success has been the high level of theoretical development of our cadres within the Spatula’s network, as well as our many readers scattered across all continents,” began one German representative, passing around some cigars procured on his recent trip to Haiti, the homeland of the Lordship–Bondage dialectic (citation: Susan Buck-Morss). “We are completely ahead of schedule on that front. Our original stated goal was to exceed Žižek’s level of Hegel-fetishism by 2018, we have actually transformed the international anti-revisionist movement into an invisible army of Hegel scholars. Praise the dialectic of history!”

“Typical German idealism,” hastily interjected an English representative. “Our greatest success has been material, namely our transformation of Worker’s Spatula from a backwards website into a great industrial power able to economically outproduce Great Moments in Leftism, and to do so relying principally on Turkish resources, against the vulgar economist predictions of the leftcom scoundrels.”

“Comrades, comrades,” interrupted a sobering voice with a Turkish accent from the back of the room, “it is the accepted thing at congresses to speak of achievements. That we have achievements is beyond question. They, these achievements, are, of course, not inconsiderable, and there is no reason to hide them. But, comrades, it has become a practice with us lately to talk so much of achievements, and sometimes so affectedly, that one loses all desire to speak of them once again. Allow me, therefore, to depart from the general practice and to say a few words not about our achievements, but about our weaknesses and our tasks in connection with these weaknesses.”

Recognising the Stalin quote, several Central Committee members present shifted uncomfortably in their seats, preparing for accusations of bureaucratisation.

With each week that brings us closer to 2019 and the 300th anniversary of the Nazi Nightmareland which is Liechtenstein, it becomes more and more obvious that no matter which tactics we employ, we are utterly powerless to bring down this regime. Nobody dares say it, but since we are all thinking it, I will stake my reputation on telling the truth: Liechtenstein imperialism is so impervious to our efforts to bring it down precisely because there is another, more powerful imperialist country defending it. I speak of course of Swiss imperialism.

At the beginning of our first Three-Year Plan, we determined that there was a need to grasp the Leninist assertion that imperialism is in fact the highest stage in the development of capitalism, and to retheorise this against the economically ignorant misconceptions which have become predominant in our movement. Our attacks on Liechtenstein have, in this light, been very correct and crucial for world revolution. But we cannot ignore the fact that we have spent considerable resources in 2018, suffering splits and even sacrificing martyrs to ensure the downfall of Liechtenstein from our base here in Switzerland, when it is the objective social and economic relations within Switzerland, and not our subjectivity as anti-Liechtenstein guerrillas, which have been holding back this revolutionary war.

We cannot hold this criticism back until the New Year’s Message and Self-Criticism: the head of global imperialism is Swiss monopoly capital, a force more powerful even than Liechtenstein. Our next Three-Year Plan must include a commitment to the theoretical and practical development of the revolutionary movement within Switzerland itself. Only thus can we construct a revolutionary movement actually capable of confronting these two greatest imperialist powers: Switzerland and Liechtenstein, who together prop up all others and indeed the entire capitalist world-system.

After a tense moment of silence, this speech was greeted with applause, and chants in support of the construction of a “pan-Alpine guerrilla movement” by August 2021.

Other criticisms of the first Three-Year Plan were that the seriousness of our commitment to Marxism has also weakened our ability to intervene in the sphere of internet content. The second Three-Year Plan is to include a commitment to gaining at least one new content-creator for every four people who have to stop contributing because of the demands of our real-world politics.

As the meeting rounded up, other aspects of the second Three-Year Plan were agreed upon in a democratic centralist fashion. By 2021, Worker’s Spatula expect to have:

  • Achieved full vegetarianism of the Central Committee and achieved majority vegetarianism by all Worker’s Spatula contributors. Bream will be phased out last among meats, and all meat-eating readers are encouraged to spend the next year transitioning through a bream-based diet to a vegetarian diet as quickly as possible.
  • Re-educated all cishet man comrades to never accept any relationship with a woman other than one based upon the heroic principles of socialist matriarchal polyandry.
  • Spatular agents within every single ICOR affiliate, a broad influence on other international anti-revisionist projects.
  • Recognition not only as the pinnacle of Marxist-Leninist internet content and the vanguard of the vanguard of the vanguard of the revolution, but also take over all those other communist meme pages on Facebook, directly or indirectly.
  • Used Twitter to make the sort of jokes we used to make on WordPress, then as the character count increases on that site, gradually turn the Twitter content into the sort of lengthy screeds which are now normative on the WordPress site, and by the end of the Three-Year Plan have to find another platform for dumb jokes on.

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