US Democrats Reconcile with History: Apologise for la Guerra Sucia

JKIII

BOSTON – Liberals across the United States are ecstatic about the speech given by Joe Kennedy III, not only for his bold stance against Donald Trump, but also because many analysts are hailing it as evidence that the momentum started by Bernie Sanders is finally bearing fruit, with the Democratic Party moving firmly to the left and reconciling with the US’s dark Cold War history.

“A lot of people have been claiming that our party stands for nothing,” explained Congressperson Kennedy in his latest speech in Boston, where several Beltway big shots, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the congressperson’s charismatic articulation of the youthful Zeitgeist in the US showed strong potential for a second Kennedy presidency soon. “Those people couldn’t be more wrong. We are a party of the 99%, we are a party of togetherness and fairness, we are the party of great Americans like Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and Hillary Clinton.”

“A lot of people talk about making America great again. But those people have got to talk about what’s gone wrong in America in the first place!” shouted Kennedy to cheers from youthful supporters, taken with his handsome Kennedy face. “There’s a dark chapter in US history, where we let down the international community and our most deeply cherished values, and the current administration has done nothing to make this right!” exclaimed Kennedy, pounding his fist on the podium for emphasis.

“I’m referring of course, to the Dirty War in Argentina, and our other crimes against our Latin American neighbours during the Cold War. Oh, it was a dirty war indeed, my fellow Americans. Dirty because of the damage to the environment done by the bullets used to clean up the terrorists of the ERP. Dirty because of their filthy blood which dirtied the beautiful streets of Buenos Aires and the clean soil of Tucumán. And dirty because of the pollution of the ocean and air that resulted from Pinochet’s having to fly all those reds out in helicopters on the death flights.

“You want to make America great again? Let’s commit to our environment, and to a green, sustainable CIA! This is what the Democrats stand for! Let’s make it happen, America!”

The Boston DSA, which is widely suspected of having been converted into a front for the clandestine US ICOR affiliate ROL, were found protesting outside the venue distributing flyers with the following statement:

The workers and oppressed nationalities of the US shouldn’t be fooled by the Wall Street stooge Joe Kennedy, with his fake environmentalism and his fake overtures to Black Lives Matter. If Black lives are going to matter, to really matter, then we all have to strengthen the fight for the liberation of the oppressed Afro-American people by uniting their struggle with the other peoples oppressed by imperialism around the world. And that means first and foremost their brothers and sisters in Latin America! Black lives SHOULD matter, and they should matter just as the lives of Argentinians and Chileans should matter.

As our comrades in the PTP said to us at the last joint meeting of democratic socialists in the Americas, while addressing the fascist dictatorship which killed so many of their people in the years to which Joe Kennedy III refers: “We see no difference in the deaths of our bright Argentine youth disappeared by the fascist junta and those of the Afro-American youth being cut down in their prime in North America by the police of the great imperialist states. Workers and oppressed peoples of the world, unite!”

That’s the spirit of proletarian internationalism that real democratic socialists like us or the PTP bring to the table. The workers and oppressed nationalities of the United States shouldn’t be hoodwinked by Kennedy’s flowery words! The real enemy is at home!

The local chapter of the CPUSA, for its part, were available for comment at the request of Worker’s Spatula. A suitably elderly man greeted us at the appointed meeting point in the Boston Commons:

“Sure we understand why the DSA kids don’t like Kennedy, they’re young and angry, full of fire. I like that. But the thing is, you’ve got to be wicked smart if you want to beat someone like Trump. You gotta let things go like the Cold War, or being able to pay for college, or whatever.

“It’s ultra-leftism to criticise Kennedy just because he wants to suppress and silence us and everyone like us, forever, and maintain every aspect of the status quo that we criticise. Because, if you think about it, he might run for president, and do you want Trump to win?

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[REDACTED] – According to [REDACTED], [REDACTED], a long-standing partisan of [REDACTED] active in [REDACTED], [REDACTED]:

“[REDACTED]”, explained [REDACTED], “almost all morning, we had to [REDACTED] to [REDACTED], but we all made it out okay, this time.”

Anonymous sources close to [REDACTED] corroborated this account, adding that [REDACTED]’s success in [REDACTED] had been greatly exaggerated: “Honestly, I would say that [REDACTED] months ago was probably the first time any of us ever saw [REDACTED].”

Back at [REDACTED], the discussion had returned to [REDACTED]:

“[REDACTED] doesn’t exactly mean that [REDACTED] or [REDACTED], but it is entirely possible that [REDACTED],” pointed out [REDACTED].

“We can’t possibly publish that on the page,” responded [REDACTED], “[REDACTED] will have our heads.”

“Do you suppose the anarchists will still say that [REDACTED]?” interjected you-know-who.

“Kind of an ironic inversion of Freud’s conception of [REDACTED],” responded one of the usual suspects.

Having consulted the German newspapers all morning, [REDACTED] was unable to determine if anyone had yet discovered that [REDACTED], or indeed, if anyone outside of Worker’s Spatula actually cared.

“Well, back to work then, comrades,” replied our fearless leader. “There’s bream grilling outside, [REDACTED]’s working on a [REDACTED] for the vegans.”

 

 

Frente de Izquierda Caught Buying Argentine Trotskyism

FdeI

BUENOS AIRES – Following news that Jacobin have been buying followers for their publication through online identity theft, related sections of the international Marxist left are being exposed for these same duplicitous dealings.

“Everyone knows that we in El Militante have the finest of Trotskyisms, with the most brutal analysis and the best international connections,” explained Dario Romano, a local representative of the IMT affiliate in Buenos Aires. “How could anyone pass by our top quality Marxist publication and settle for the petty bourgeois opportunism of el Frente de Izquierda, much less in the apparently large numbers which they are? Only one possible explanation exists: Jacobin are buying them followers.”

The accusation, as shocking as it seemed, was not spurious. The IMT representative produced pages of transcripts of interviews with non-Marxist Argentines who couldn’t even identify which kind of Marxist was angry about which international and why:

“I woke up this morning and found all these posts by el FIT in my Facebook timeline,” explained one bank teller from Córdoba in the transcript our local correspondent read: “I couldn’t figure out why at all. I don’t particularly care about politics, and I don’t come from an especially left-wing family. It looks like I got added by an algorithm because of a post I wrote complaining about banking bureaucracy at my job. You can’t complain about that without mentioning ‘banks’ and ‘bureaucrats’ about a dozen times each, and apparently those are words that Trotskyites use a lot?”

Even quite explicitly right-wing individuals were found to have been remotely linked into el FIT’s social media presence due to their own peripherally related activity:

“I liked a page named ‘Venezuela is a Fascist State’, and next thing I know I’m getting updates and e-mails from el FIT,” complained one reactionary from Neuquén: “Trotkyites, Maoists, Chavists, I don’t care what kind of Castroist you are, just go back to Bolivia where you came from.”

“You see what I mean?” explained Romano to our local correspondent, “There’s simply no way these traitors to the Fourth International deserve their apparent popularity. People should love El Militante. We are like a fine Malbec of Trotskyism that even a Stalinist like yourself can appreciate once in a while, whereas el FIT are some cheap box wine that Macri is trying to get people liquored up on, I’m not sure, it’s not a perfect analogy, but this is some bullshit.”

“No question,” agreed our correspondent, “We’ll be sure to report to the outside world that el FIT is not as popular as people think, and that the real tribune of the Argentine masses is el Partido del Trabajo y del Pueblo.”

“Whatever, as long as Jacobin is exposed,” sighed Romano. “Would you like to buy a copy of El Militante?”

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January ‘Too Bleak’ for Internet Communists to Make Jokes

InaccessibleLenin

ANTARCTICA – Following a fortnight-long writing retreat to the Pole of Inaccessibility, Worker’s Spatula staff have conceded that January of 2018 is simply “too bleak” a month for the writing of internet satire for communists.

“Honestly if we had wanted to have Lenin looking down and judging us in sub-zero temperatures while we got nothing of any value done, there are plenty of places in the Northern Hemisphere we could’ve gone,” opined the Yank in between drags on his cigarette.

“It wouldn’t have mattered anyway,” replied one of the English. “We tried to write about the things people in those places were upset about, and we got nothing. The crisis is deepening, the war is claiming the lives of more innocent young poor people, Malcolm Turnbull remains an intolerable Kantian cunt, nobody has recorded a truly great album in over ten years, and we have writer’s block.”

The reality TV-style video diaries revealed more introspective takes on the inactivity of the world’s greatest anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninist satire page:

“Life is pain, and we will all die. All humour basically emerges from these facts. But lately, every time the ghost of a smile creeps across my face, news from Turkey intervenes,” explained the Hamburger contingent. “Literally we have lost friends to prison and to the Reaper. Presently a town is being bombed unprovoked by the same fascist regime that took our friends from us. You have to laugh to keep from crying, but you’re only so strong, you know?”

This theme was expanded upon by one of the Turkish comrades: “When the day of liberation comes, and Erdoğan is put on trial, one of the crimes I want him charged with will be the continuous crushing of any glimmer of joy in my life, personally.

“Still: umut dimdik ayakta.”

The Australian had this to share: “I had a joke! I had a joke but they wouldn’t listen to me! I wanted to write about Invasion Day, which brought out a lot of people this year! I wanted to do something about Tsipras travelling to Australia in the hope of seizing power on the back of the Invasion Day protests. Pauline Hanson was going to say something about the wogs colluding with the Aboriginals against White Australia, and Syriza and the Liberal Party form a coalition. It was all going to culminate in a plug for the Green Left Weekly crowd.”

“Yeah, I remember her joke,” explained our Balkan correspondent upon being reminded of the Australia-Greece crossover joke. “Too soon, comrade. Too soon…”

“…not too soon to mock Syriza, mind you. They deserve it. But we’ve been burned by too many white Anglo leftist trends recently. Socialist Alliance is going to have to split like three times over arcane theoretical-historical points before we’re ready to trust them even as much as we trust the Maoists. Marxism isn’t about having good positions you know! It’s about being really angry about Hegel.”

“Too angry to write jokes about Hegel, at least this month,” concluded our Balkan hero before returning to taping notebook pages together to continue drawing the longest upward spiral possible, moving towards the Antarctic horizon…

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Worker’s Spatula New Year’s Message and Self-Criticism

Sydney

“Do you think anyone still reads these?”

“Nobody still reads Marx or Lenin anymore either, don’t be so opportunist as to concern yourself with whether or not anyone will read something before writing it.”

“Shut up, someone read the statement.”

“I think it’s my turn, here we go:

Good evening Sydney, and a glorious 2018 to all of our comrades across the world! We, the Central Committee of Worker’s Spatula, the worst nightmare of the Left Communists, the scourge of the modern revisionists, the drinking buddies of the more tolerable Trotskyists, are speaking to you live from the Sydney Opera House, which was built by workers who, during construction, were visited and serenaded by Paul Robeson himself:

 

Paul Robeson, in addition to being a great class conscious struggler for peace and justice in a world of war and injustice, was an Afro-American, a member of an oppressed nation in the imperialist United States.

The Australian workers, for their part, were principally the descendants of settler-colonist labourers in the British colony of Australia, whose indigenous were the victims of genocide and oppression and who, like the Afro-American people or the indigenous in the United States, still yearn for liberation to this day. Travelling thousands of kilometres, Robeson met with them to seek unity of workers and oppressed peoples.

From the north to the south of the world, universal trends of capitalism-imperialism can be seen again and again in different particularities. Robeson is a symbol of the most universal spirit of our movement, and we salute his journey to sing for the workers here, as we begin our own quest in 2018 across the Global South:

In 2018, Worker’s Spatula will be consciously focusing on the Southern Hemisphere of the planet as much as possible to the exclusion of the Northern Hemisphere. We had initially intended to come up with some theoretical justification for the strength of this shift, something about how most imperialist countries are in the Northern Hemisphere, but if we’re really honest with ourselves, it’s because we’re just sick to death of having to do our Ramadan fasting during summer.

Naturally, we hope to incorporate our long-standing support for the Aboriginal Australians into our satire; and southern Africa should receive due focus, a region which has come more into the world’s attention following the coup in Zimbabwe; perhaps most importantly, we intend to publish more on South America, for which we expect due thanks from our comrades in the PC(AP).

Finally, dear comrade-readers, we must speak about our self-criticism. In fact, we have made many mistakes, which we always seek to rectify, but chief among them, most grievous of all, is that we have paid altogether too little attention to the sinister heart of the capitalist-imperialist world system. Driven by our need to provide engaging, critical, and diverse coverage around the world, we have neglected the need to direct the harshest and most violent polemics against the head of global imperialism:

We speak of course of Liechtenstein. Truly no more reactionary entity than Liechtenstein exists, and no crime of international imperialism can be named whose blood cannot be found dripping from the cold, filthy, pasty-white, chapped fingertips of the scoundrel and puppy-kicker Prince Hans-Adam II!

No more, comrades! No more! 2018 will not be another year in which Worker’s Spatula, the vanguard of the vanguard of the vanguard of the world revolution, allow Liechtenstein’s countless crimes to go unnoticed! We will provide constant exposure of this parasitic, inhuman pseudo-country’s repulsive and reactionary policies so as to aid the heroic strugglers around the world, particularly those guerrillas in Switzerland, Austria, and in Liechtenstein itself already engaged in direct action aimed at nullifying the existence of Liechtenstein!

Yes comrades, 2018 will be the year when, should the dialectic will it, LIECHTENSTEIN WILL BE WIPED OFF THE MAP, thus weakening global capitalism-imperialism by depriving it of its ‘head’! This is our historic mission, and we call on all our comrades and friends across the world to aid us in this fight!

WHAT DO WE WANT? [NO MORE LIECHTENSTEIN!]
WHEN DO WE WANT IT? [2018!]

Workers and oppressed peoples of the world – unite!

“…so what do you usually do with the rest of your evening?”

“Oh I was thinking we could get extremely drunk, and throw a fairly large quantity of shrimp on the barbie, one by one.”

“Isn’t there anything else to do here in Sydney, Australia?”

“No, I’m afraid that’s literally all there is to do here in Australia, the country where all we ever do is drink VB and throw prawns on a hot grill.”

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Communist Strongly Supportive of Islamic Republic’s Repression

IranianTank

NOT TEHRAN – Following news of days of anti-corruption protests in Iran, Dennis Kunkel, local communist who is not just a gadfly and contrarian, thank you very much, has been really relishing reminding everyone that the protests will not result in the overthrow of the great, anti-imperialist, Islamic Republic of Iran, which he as a communist supports heartily, an unrequited love for the ages, given the Islamic Republic’s practical policies on communists.

“Hassan Rouhani is the legitimate president of Iran,” explained Kunkel, seemingly unaware of which protests were being discussed. “His government is an anti-imperialist government, and these protests are backed by Shah-supporters, Israel, Saudi Arabia, and the CIA,” he said, ignoring the fact that several years prior, he had described the “reformists” of Iran, among whose number President Rouhani is generally counted, as representing a similar existential threat to “the Axis of Resistance”.

Asked by our local correspondent if he considered Iranians had any legitimate grievances with their government, and whether international solidarity could be offered to them in any legitimate terms, Kunkel responded: “If I were an Iranian communist, I would explain to other Iranians that whatever problems we face now, if the Iranian state were weakened, the forces of imperialism could sponsor right-wing militias that might imprison and torture us.

“In the worst case, a total overthrow of the Islamic Republic would result in a situation like Iraq. Back in the days before the US invasion, Saddam Hussein and the Islamic Republic had a sort of united front against imperialism, and Iraqi people benefited from this. Then after the US invasion, the new puppet regime would have lost all anti-imperialist potential if it weren’t for Iran’s role in the region.”

“Read your Lenin,” he concluded, cryptically.

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Humourless Marxist Reviews: Star Wars: The Last Jedi

LastJedi

CW: Spoilers, accusations of “narodnism”

In a brazen cash grab following the massive success of the third and final installment in the Star Wars trilogy, George Lucas has seen fit to produce a sequel entitled “The Last Jedi”. Rumours already abound that this may be the beginning of a new sequel trilogy (which, since the entire thing takes place “a long time ago”, is more properly termed a “prequel”).

Due to overwhelming demand, Worker’s Spatula have dispatched their finest EMEP-affiliated film critics to determine the political character of this new War in the Star.

We are sad to report that contrary to the rumours, this film is not Marxist-Leninist propaganda, which frankly is the least you can ask from your science fiction. Progressive? Perhaps, but with grave organisational shortcomings that, among Marxist-Leninists such as ourselves, we should not shy away from criticising.

Are the forces of the New Order arch-reactionaries, imperialists, and fascists? Without any doubt. Is the struggle of the Resistance against them right? It is right, and the audience is right to identify with it. But can we avoid mentioning the scene where a distress signal was sent out, and no one answered Leia’s call? Should this not have been a sign to our heroes that they had been outmanoeuvred by the enemy? Read the Art of War, Leia.

But Leia’s mistakes as commander are not limited to particular moments of miscalculation or desperation: the general lack of training and discipline is apparent from the reckless decisions her individual troops take. Whether it’s Finn or Joe Pomeranian, the men of the Resistance get to pose themselves as heroes by carrying out great acts of revenge on their foe, but only by continuously taking adventurist risks that are responsible for great losses for their own organisation! No rigorous process of criticism and self-criticism greets these wayward comrades, merely verbal warnings and demotions. How long is the Resistance to last if it takes such a laissez-faire attitude towards discipline, training, and tactics?

Even the women of the resistance, who are notably more sober-minded, have yet to articulate a coherent overall strategy. Nowhere in the film is the overall tactical line of the Resistance mentioned, instead we are treated to Mao Zedong’s quote that “a single spark can start a prairie fire”, repeated over and over again by all the main characters in unison as they stare into the camera for a period of twenty minutes. Maddening.

Rey O’Light travels to the Dagoba system to meet with Luke Skywalker, who obviously represents Enver Hoxha, and stays with him in a mountain bunker where they condemn the failings of the Jedi Council, a clear stand-in for the Soviet Union, in brutally critical terms befitting the post-Cold War reality that we as Marxist-Leninist revolutionaries face. This was the only good scene, and even it was ruined by the rampant idealism we already mentioned in our first review.

But then even she, the supposedly most theoretically advanced figure in the Resistance, doesn’t listen to Enver Skywalker and runs off to face Darth What’s-His-Name in the Death Star or whatever, and kills Emperor Palpatine with him, only so that a new ruling clique led by Darth Who’s-It can emerge! Stop trying to abolish things without abolishing the conditions that led to those things! Anarchism! Narodnism! Adventurism! Wookieism!

All of these critiques are not to say that we do not fully defend the role the Resistance is playing. But the very dangerous objective conditions which these political subjects face require that we soberly take account of the facts. The Resistance can win its space war, and it can win by recognising the leading role of the space proletariat, and engaging in a diversity of space tactics to align all the progressive space forces against the space class enemies whose space exploitation and space oppression are the actual material basis for Captain McBadguy or Darth Kyle or whatever his name is.

The film, to its credit, actually spends a great deal of time portraying the sympathy of the working class to the Resistance, and if our narodnik heroes can unite their military manoeuvres with the organic trends of the proletariat, we are confident that socialism can be achieved in one more film, without having to sit through a half-dozen more of these.

Please George Lucas, stop sending these brave young people on suicide missions. Don’t be DHKP/C. These are human beings whose lives are being thrown out in a galaxy far, far away thanks to your adventurism. Orient the Resistance line towards the proletariat now. Do it for your old friends at the Spatula.

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All Trump Wants for Chanukkah is a United 32 County Socialist Transjordan

AllIwantForChanukkah

JERUSALEM/AL-QUDS – Following the usual misinterpretation of Comrade Trump’s progressive accelerationist views in the FAKE NEWS MEDIA, Worker’s Spatula, the only honest news source in the English language, and the true force behind the election of Comrade Trump, are forced to once again set the record straight.

“I love you Worker’s Spatula kids, you’re the best, really I love you, can I say how much, is anybody seeing this?” exclaimed the Donald to a cheering crowd in Jerusalem, as he motioned to the small Worker’s Spatula contingent standing in the front row, waving our red Spatula and Sickle flag. “These are the only ones who tell it like it is, don’t you all listen to the rest, it’s all FAKE NEWS!

“Sad!” added the President of the imperialist United States of AmeriKKKa.

“So as I was saying: Tel Aviv is no capital, because the Zionist entity is entirely illegitimate,” explained Trump, to the crowd of Hebrew and Arab socialists who had poured into the streets to hear the only hope for the US speak on the important political questions of their region. “We won’t accept their phony two-state solution, because our only goal is a united, thirty-two county socialist republic encompassing all of Transjordan! We’re going to build an Phalaistín Nua, we’re going to do it by Chanukkah, and we’re going to make the Brits pay for it!

“Mr. Netanyahu, tear down this wall!”

The PFLP greeted the announcement warmly, and called upon all Trump supporters and other enemies of the Zionists to join them in their renewed struggle against the occupation, until Palestine should be free, from sea to shining Dead Sea, and then well into the fucking desert where the British occupational authorities drew some arbitrary jagged straight-line borders.

The PFLP’s statement underlined, however, that those borders are sacred, because there is a Syrian nation which is the same thing as the Syrian state. As a citation, we were referred to “the noted Middle East experts in the CPGB-ML.”

Meanwhile, across that border, the THKP-C/MLSPB took a break from their busy schedule of armed propaganda to release the following press statement in response to the rapidly escalating developments in Palestine:

Our fighters are being stretched thin across all the fronts we have to fight on, but we’re extremely hopeful. Not long ago we were saying that Rojava is the Bekaa Vadisi of the 21st century. Now the entire Arab geography is being opened up to more and more opportunities for armed struggle and everyday resistance.

We are confident that the revolutionary masses of this great geography will soon join us in our rightful struggle. We are right, we will win.

We encourage all our trench comrades in Turkey and Kurdistan to study the Arabic language, and be ready for struggle at any time from Yemen to Tunisia.

There are those cowards and reformists who fear the coming storm which will consume the old order across the Arab world. To them we say: how many months ago was ISIS a threatening spectre which was expected to pull all of the region into its barbaric sway. But thanks to the determination of everyday working people, of the poor and oppressed, of the Kurdish guerrillas and the Marxist-Leninists of Turkey, ISIS were beaten back and now Raqqah has fallen.

Fear not the coming struggle, comrades! Was it not Mahir Çayan who said:

“There is great chaos under heaven; the situation is excellent.”

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Communist Has Encyclopedic Knowledge of Left Despite Not Having Left Bed in Years

depressedsmoking

KING’S LYNN, NORFOLK – Worker’s Spatula have spent much of 2017 corresponding with [REDACTED], who asked not to be referred to by her real name, Twitter handle, or even any of the various pseudonyms under which she writes, owing to a completely unwarranted but nevertheless less extremely potent anxiety about her own intellectual abilities. The comrade, whom we shall refer to as ‘Comrade X’, has become well known as England’s foremost expert on the international revolutionary movement. She is constantly sought after for her observations and insights on civil wars, occupations, and unrest around the world, despite her inability to leave her own bed and exit the house.

When discussing her political awakening over encrypted chat with the Worker’s Spatula East Anglia correspondent, she identified the 2011 UK student uprising in minute detail. The detail was so breathtaking and covered so many different events and locales that our correspondent was curious about her specific role: “Oh I was having a bit of a bad patch at that time, and couldn’t be arsed to get out of bed”, explained ‘Comrade X’, whose life had been a series of bad patches, seemingly without respite, “so I couldn’t go on the day but my friends told me all about it.”

Having dropped out of university in 2012 due to ongoing mental health difficulties, and the complete lack of support and understanding from tutors, lecturers, support staff, and the administration, ‘Comrade X’ spends her days reading ICOR press releases and debates in her parents semi-detached three-bedroom house.

Despite seemingly never leaving the house, ‘Comrade X’ is now the most theoretically developed cadre in England, having moved swiftly from NSM anarchism, through Dengism, Twitter Brezhnevism, Third Worldist Maoism, autonomism, Guevarism, and finally arriving at the healing light of Hoxhaist anti-revisionism with Apoist tendencies.

While actually existing “Marxist” organisations in the UK continue to debate whether the Labour Party can establish socialism by forming a government, or whether the possibility of a coming Labour government is the sole impediment to the construction of socialism, or whether Scottish independence ‘divides the British working class’, heroic ‘Comrade X’ has seen the dialectic of history as it materially relates to her country and its manifold contradictions, with the one unfortunate shortcoming that as she is too depressed to go outside, she cannot actualise this advanced theory in praxis.

When asked about her future plans, ‘Comrade X’ stated that she was learning Turkish so she could better understand what exactly Bolşevik Parti and TİKB’s positions on the MLKP are, so that she can angrily give her views on them to her approximately 100 Twitter followers around the world, and nobody else.

Additionally, she plans to take the DWP to court after being kicked off of ESA due to being able to walk 5 steps in her work capability assessment, despite having detailed medical evidence supplied from numerous doctors and psychiatrists that work would be impossible for her, and detrimental to her well-being and recovery.

Greetings to you, ‘Comrade X’, and good luck in your struggle with modern revisionism, as well as your struggle with your own life, which is seemingly weightier still!

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Suicide Hotline Hold Time Gives Communist Chance to Think About Death

theOTHERtikb

CW: A more or less unchanged description of an actual suicide attempt.

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS – Following a weeks-long spiral of despair, PhD student Özgür Ğ. attempted suicide earlier this afternoon, by trying to hang himself with his Kurdish pûşî in a dark classroom at Harvard University.

A tear in the pûşî caused our Alınteri-reading hero to tumble to the ground in what would, under other circumstances, be a comical display, punctuated by Siri calling out to him, having mistaken the fall for an attempt to activate the smartphone assistant app.

“Siri, suicide hotline!” exclaimed Özgür into the dark room as he dusted himself off.

By about the tenth minute into hold time, Özgür’s dark thoughts had not dissipated, only crystalised into their expected ideological form.

“If I die like this, isn’t it even more worthless than my pointless life as a petty bourgeois academic?” Özgür wondered to himself as the hold time dragged on, picturing himself going out in a blaze of glory, confronting the fascist Turkish state, TİKB saflarında. “A guerrilla’s death, that would be the suicide for me.”

The hold time continued to drag on, while Özgür began picturing his insignificant life being snuffed out in ever more newsworthy and heroic contexts.

“If I became another Suphi Nejat, the Maoists would feel so bad about all the times they made fun of me,” thought Özgür, as he waited for the suicide hotline to pick up for the 23rd minute. “I wonder what Yankees do during this wait time? Probably they just kill themselves like they originally planned. Truly Marxism-Leninism is a lofty ideology, to have provided me with such a greater potential meaning to my coming death during this important moment of clarity.”

Özgür’s heroic pontifications, alongside the suicide hotline, were cut off by a ding on his smartphone alerting him he had received another e-mail from his advisor:

Dear Özgür,

I’m sorry to say that over the past few weeks I’ve noticed a sharp decline in the quality and quantity of your work

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