Overcoming the Whitegeist

Whitegeist

“Why Trump? Why now? Why not Bernie?”

Don’t worry, US readers: this will not be yet another thinkpiece about how Donald Trump reflects the latent white supremacy of the settler-colonial Yankee national identity. This will not be yet another thinkpiece about how many of Donald Trump’s supporters are bourgeois. This will not be yet another thinkpiece which repeats that the Trump presidency is the means by which the crisis punishes all of the US for the victory of Clintonite status quo-ism over even the most modest reformism of Sanders.

You know these things already. The fact is, everyone knows these things. Everything under the sun is old and burnt.

Rather, let us dispense momentarily with a simple meditation, in lieu of a hot take. At this point, all but the most out-of-touch critic would agree that Bernie, would in fact have won. But given that the objective conditions are such that Bernie didn’t in fact win, let us not forget how much of the blame lies precisely with political subjects such as Sanders and the Sandernistas for failing to see beyond the Whitegeist.

The Zeitgeist, as all of our readers know, is the spirit (Geist) of the age (Zeit). We are most concerned with the level of development of the masses, their collective consciousness and spirit. It does not suffice to consider oneself a meaningful political subject and not consider the objective reality of the development of the revolutionary masses. But who are the revolutionary masses In the United States? Quite simply, everyone except white people.

At this point, their biases against us confirmed, all the white leftists in the United States have stopped reading. But seriously, folks, nobody is actually preaching that there is no revolutionary potential in the struggles of “white” proletarians. And if they do appear to exist, they’re just Worker’s Spatula psyops.

In fact, just to be safe, assume that everyone on left Twitter discussing such matters is either a Spatula writer or a sockpuppet which is part of a Spatula psyop, depending on whether or not we unironically share the views they espouse or not.

Can we all stop talking about the problem of imaginary leftists condemning labour strikes because of the skin colour of white workers? How often has this actually obstructed your practice, if you’re reading this and actually have any practice (since most of the internet left has neither theory nor practice)?

However, many white leftists in the United States, particularly the Sandernistas and large sections of the DSA, but also some anarchists and Marxist-Leninists, seem to think that chauvinism is found only in explicit statements of condemnation for oppressed nations and identities or movements addressing said oppression. Strasserite chauvinism finds its reflection in an obsession by more honest socialists with saving the soul of white workers, no matter how chauvinist those workers might be.

“Oh so you’re saying all white workers are chauvinists?” Hell yes we are, every single one of them is chauvinist trash, no different to the KKK, and all non-white workers are pure vessels for the revolution, whose only flaw is not kicking white workers out of their unions screaming “beat it, whitey!”

But seriously, the editing process for this piece was inordinately held back by debating how many times we should insert a joke about how we hate all white people* or there are no white workers or whatever. The hyper-sensitivity on this point by white communists (particularly in the US) is so obnoxious and we wonder when they will stop it. We assure you: we have considered the class implications.

We all know Trump voters are not disproportionately the disenfranchised in this country. We all also agree that there should be a unity of struggle between the white proletariat and the oppressed nationalities. The problem is, to build a sincere solidarity after literally centuries of harsh national oppression, which is not merely a scar on historical memory but which creates a real hierarchy in economic reality, we must do so on the terms of the more impoverished oppressed nationalities.

Occupy Wall Street began in 2011. Afro-Americans have been struggling for their most basic democratic rights since before there was a United States. It is not unreasonable to expect that in uniting the two struggles, the one should show due deference to the other.

But what is the response of the white left? To scold others for bringing up the national question, to speak of “One United American Working Class™”, to compare George Washington to Robespierre, and other such thinly-veiled patriotic nonsense, right as the US Empire is weakening for the first time since the end of the Cold War!

It is not only the DSA, who speak of the US as a “nation”, who do this, but even many ostensible Marxist-Leninists! While the Whitegeist in the US may be one step ahead of Occupy Wall Street, the Zeitgeist of the oppressed nations in the US is one step ahead of Black Lives Matter, is in Cooperation Jackson, is speaking about “decolonisation”. We struggle to unite these struggles of course, but the Whitegeist must be brought up to the level of the heroic oppressed peoples in the US, their struggle cannot be buried because the Whitegeist of the white working class (or intellectuals’ idealist conception thereof) is frightened of it!

Our hypocritical white US leftists insist that they support Black Lives Matter, that they “like” Malcolm X, that they name-drop Assata Shakur. Like anarchists, they use their individual lifestyle to cover up the essence of a more general theoretical critique; like social democrats, they assure us that Black America is on their mind, but we can’t divide the working class [vote?] by distracting precious white workers from their own precious white problems with anyone else’s “identitarian” non-white problems; like the liberals who worship Barack Obama, they want Black “allies” who validate their position as good white people and do not make them uncomfortable.

In short, these labour aristocratic settler-colonialist white leftists who have yet to face their own history and social position substitute their own consciousness for that of the revolutionary proletariat. They may be well-intentioned, but their good intentions are only an indication of of how far we can travel with them as individuals. They are no indication of the correctness of their analysis, which entirely substitutes their idealist and subjective conception of the working class for a critical dialectical process of material struggle of all workers and all oppressed.

There is a general tendency in the United States to characterise polemics such as this one, without using precisely this terminology, as “reverse racist”, or “anti-white”. The code-word used is “Third Worldist”. You would think, therefore, that those who demand that liberation of the oppressed be centred in the rhetoric of revolutionaries in the US are either idealists who don’t understand the material conditions of their own country, or foreign leftists who don’t understand that the objective conditions of struggle in the US are so undeveloped as to not be ready for this sort of revolutionary rhetoric.

And indeed, one of the writers who pushed this piece in committee did come from a country with wildly different economic conditions, political history, and culture.

Australia.

Yes, whatever you want to say about Socialist Alliance, and no Worker’s Spatula writer can pass up the chance to point out that Green Left Weekly, while a fine news source, simply has NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT HEGEL, but from the vantage point (Ollman lol) of Melbourne, it’s frankly startling to see how little the liberation of oppressed peoples means to white leftists in the US. It’s not as if we committed less genocide against the indigenous than the Yanks. If Yanks are under that impression, it’s simply because their settler-colonial society’s population has been bolstered by more immigration than ours.

And while it’s true that in Australia, Aboriginals are a greater portion of the population than the Indigenous nations in the United States, it’s equally true that the Afro-American people, who are subject to similar national oppression, are a much greater percentage of the overall population of the United States than the Aboriginals in Australia. Thus we can see that it is not that the white left are ignoring the oppressed peoples within “their own” borders based on irrelevance, but out of a chauvinism that even other settler-colonial peoples, such as the arch-racist white Australian society, are capable of overcoming on the radical left. This is a clear example of the role subjectivity plays in shaping objectivity. If the white left in the US insists on tailing the Whitegeist, then they will see no objective need to embrace the liberation struggles of the oppressed peoples. If the white left in Australia overcome the Whitegeist, suddenly it becomes completely objectively obvious to them that there is a pressing need to embrace the struggle of the Aboriginals.

In fact, whether or not we had written this screed, things are in motion in the white left, and the Whitegeist itself is developing. Different elements of the white working class in the US will be driven towards fascism whether we intervene or those with a less full analysis intervene with a more vulgar class politics. But to intervene most correctly we hope all interested comrades will grasp the limitations into which they were socialised, struggle to overcome them, and take on the struggle of the oppressed peoples as their own, and by doing so, become themselves a living connection.

Workers and oppressed peoples of the world, unite!

*Although, you know, fuck white people.

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Point/Counterpoint: Yelling About Hegel

JMPGWFMZT

The First Annual Clandestine Worker’s Spatula Marxist Theory Symposium and Dance-a-Thon was held at an undisclosed part of York University campus in Toronto, Canada last night. Attendees who arrived thanks to secret invitations came from locations as diverse as Australia, China, Turkey, India, and Argentina to debate topics ranging from economics to gender politics to philosophy.

The highlight of the evening, according to all in attendance, was the debate on “Yelling About Hegel”, which consisted of York University’s own J. Moufawad Paul, who swiped the keys to get us all into the [REDACTED] building, and a Worker’s Spatula representative who is hot for Hegel. What follows is a 100% factual and 100% accurate transcript, and if J. Moufawad Paul seeks to object in any way, we can only assume his account has been hacked by the Russians, as is traditional in North America.

Moderator: Well, I see we have a packed room for this panel. Expected, I suppose, because if there’s one thing that draws the big crowds, it’s heated arguments about Hegel. You all know the rules: each participant is permitted to yell until they run out of breath, at which point the other begins yelling until they run out of breath. If I start yelling, everyone else has to stop yelling until I finish what I’m saying. The debate is over when somebody flips the table like TİKB did during the Toblerone conference in London. Any preliminary, non-yelled remarks from either of you?

WS: First of all, since we’re going to be yelling about Hegel, I want to give a shout-out to Arif Çelebi. Secondly, on behalf of all of our cadre taking part in the Ramadan fast, I wanted to thank J. Moufawad-Paul for his thoughtful choice of bream for this evening’s iftar. He has been nothing if not a gracious host to us, and has made me personally rethink my prejudiced view that all white settler-colonial English Canadians are hypocritical liberal scum.

JMP: Please, comrade. I also love bream. But I’m glad that I could prove that not all individuals from settler-colonial Canadian society are roughly as culturally sensitive as Justin Trudeau, if not to his right. I hope that this event will be the first in many occasions for meaningful exchange between revolutionary trends across the world. By the way, is there any chance you’d like to accept that Maoism is the third and hi…

Moderator: …AND WITH THAT, WE’RE OFF! START YELLING!

JMP: Oh, is it… is it time for me to start yelling? Okay: WHERE DO I BEGIN? MY POSITION IS ALMOST TOO OBVIOUS: HEGEL IS AN IDEALIST PHILOSOPHER, AND THE REPEATED IMPLICATION BY WORKER’S SPATULA THAT HEGEL IS ON PAR WITH MARX WAS ALWAYS INTERPRETED AS A JOKE UP UNTIL THIS POINT. IS IT ACTUALLY WORKER’S SPATULA’S POSITION THAT, AND I QUOTE, “MARXISM-LENINISM, MORE LIKE HEGELIANISM-LENINISM, AMIRITE?”?(?)

WS: YEAH SURE, WHY NOT? I’M NOT GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE FOR SAYING THAT. YOU CAN’T BE A MARXIST WITHOUT HEGEL. IT’S NOT A FUCKING COINCIDENCE THAT EVERY MODERN REVISIONIST YOU TALK TO CAN’T SUMMARISE THE UNIVERSAL MOTION OF DIALECTICS ON EVEN THE MOST BASIC LEVEL. YOU CAN’T JUST IGNORE DIALECTICS AS A MARXIST.

JMP: I NEVER SAID DIALECTICS WASN’T AN ESSENTIAL PART OF THE MARXIST WORLDVIEW, I WROTE A FUCKING DIAMAT MANUAL. BUT IN THE DIALECTICAL INTERPLAY BETWEEN BEING AND CONSCIOUSNESS, THE BEING IS PRIMARY, AND HEGEL’S SHORTCOMING WAS PRECISELY IN HIS FAILURE TO GRASP THIS.

WS: DID HEGEL MAKE MISTAKES? OF COURSE HE DID. IN SO LONG A PERIOD FILLED WITH HEROISM, TRIALS, STRUGGLE, TRIUMPHS, IT IS INEVITABLE NOT ONLY FOR HEGEL PERSONALLY BUT ALSO FOR GERMAN IDEALISM AS A WHOLE TO MAKE MISTAKES.

MODERATOR: FOUL! No paraphrasing Enver Hoxha or Mao Zedong quotes defending Stalin! That joke is for Twitter only.

WS: Sorry, force of habit.

MODERATOR: That’s fine, just try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. JMP? Can we get your word that you won’t do the same?

JMP: Hey, I never do that anyway.

MODERATOR: Very well. Comrade, would you like to yell a more original and substantial response?

WS: LENIN SAID “INTELLIGENT IDEALISM IS CLOSER TO INTELLIGENT MATERIALISM THAN STUPID MATERIALISM”. WE CAN’T GO THE DIRECTION WHERE WE PAINT HEGEL AS AN ENEMY OF MARXISM!

JMP: I’M A FUCKING PHILOSOPHY PROFESSOR! I THINK PEOPLE SHOULD READ HEGEL, AND I’VE READ HEGEL, AND I’VE TAUGHT HEGEL! I KNOW FULL WELL ALL THE WAYS HEGEL IS MISREPRESENTED, BUT MARX EXPLICITLY IDENTIFIES HEGELIAN DIALECTICS AS BEING DEFICIENT IN ITS IDEALISM, AND THE ANTI-REVISIONIST TRADITION IS REPLETE WITH BREAKS FROM HEGELIANISM AS SUCH, JUST AS MODERN REVISIONISM IS REPLETE WITH BREAKS WITH DIALECTICS AS SUCH.

DIALECTICS IS NOT SIMPLY DEFINED AS HEGELIANISM. THE FACT THAT IN THE MILIEU OF GERMAN IDEALISM A CERTAIN LANGUAGE EMERGED THAT WAS USEFUL FOR MARX IS NOT SOMETHING ANYONE HERE DENIES. THE ISSUE IS THAT YOU COULD JUST KEEP GOING BACK WITH THAT: DO WE NEED KANT TO UNDERSTAND HEGEL?

WS: LENIN ALSO SAID: “IT IS IMPOSSIBLE COMPLETELY TO UNDERSTAND MARX’S CAPITAL, AND ESPECIALLY ITS FIRST CHAPTER, WITHOUT HAVING THOROUGHLY STUDIED AND UNDERSTOOD THE WHOLE OF HEGEL’S LOGIC. CONSEQUENTLY, HALF A CENTURY LATER NONE OF THE MARXISTS UNDERSTOOD MARX!!” DID HE EVER SAY THAT SHIT ABOUT KANT?

MODERATOR: FUCKING FOUL! That’s two quotes from Lenin talking about Hegel in a row! Stop relying on Lenin to make your argumentation. JMP, your turn to yell.

JMP: LENIN IS NOT AN INFALLIBLE SOURCE FOR UNDERSTANDING THE MARXIST METHOD! I HALF-EXPECTED YOU TO QUOTE ENGELS NEXT. AS I ARGUE IN MY BOOK, WHICH YOU’D KNOW IF YOU READ IT, I AM NOT ONLY AGAINST VULGAR MATERIALISM AND PSEUDO DIALECTICS, BUT ALSO AGAINST IDEALIST DIALECTICS IN THE FORM OF “PURE HEGELIANISM”, EVEN AS FOUND IN MARXISM! THIS WAS MAO’S FUNDAMENTAL BREAKTHROUGH: THE NEGATION OF THE NEGATION IS ITSELF A FORM OF IDEALISM!

WS: Yeah, the SMF said the same thing when asked about the Abstrakt piece about Maoist dialectics.

JMP: The SMF?

WS: They’re supposedly a front for the [REDACTED].

JMP: Ah. Well, you see? MLMs.

MODERATOR: You’re not yelling.

JMP: WHETHER OR NOT THE NEGATION OF THE NEGATION IS A HEGELIAN CONCEPT THAT HAS NO PLACE IN MARXISM OR NOT, IT’S NOT THE CASE THAT A KNOWLEDGE OF HEGEL ALONE IS A THEORETICAL DEFENCE FROM REVISIONISM: ŽIŽEK IS A FINE CONTEMPORARY EXAMPLE, HE DEFENDS THE RATIONAL CORE OF HEGELIANISM AS A BASIS FOR MARXIST THOUGHT MORE STRONGLY THAN ANYONE, MORE THAN YOU EVEN, AND YET HE ALSO DEVIATES CONSTANTLY TO THE RIGHT, YOU DON’T NEED ME TO LIST ALL OF HIS ERRORS, YOU’VE MOCKED HIS IDIOCY MORE THAN ALMOST ANYONE.

AND WITHIN ACTUALLY EXISTING SOCIALISM: MANY OF THE CAPITALIST-ROADERS DEFENDED A SORT OF CONSERVATIVE HEGELIANISM, A “RIGHT HEGELIANISM”. HELL, THE FACT THAT YOU EVEN FREQUENTLY EMPLOY THE TERM “LEFT HEGELIANISM” IS A TELL: YOU’RE FULLY AWARE HOW FORMAL HEGELIANISM CAN BE REACTIONARY, JUST AS YOU MUST AGREE THAT THE THEORETICALLY UNDEVELOPED MOTION OF THE MASSES HAS A GREATER REVOLUTIONARY POTENTIAL THAN ANY THEORY NOT APPLIED IN PRACTICE!

WS: FINALLY WE GET TO THE MEAT OF THE MATTER! FIRSTLY: IT’S DEFINITELY TRUE THAT THERE ARE RIGHT HEGELIANS AND THAT OPPORTUNISM AND REACTION HAVE BEEN AIDED BY PEOPLE WHO FORMALLY DEFENDED HEGEL WITHIN REVOLUTIONARY CONTEXTS, BUT WOULD YOU REALLY ARGUE THAT MAO’S CAPITALIST-ROADER OPPONENTS HAD A FIRM GRASP ON DIALECTICS, IDEALIST OR OTHERWISE, GIVEN THAT THEIR FUNDAMENTAL AIM WAS TO CONCEAL RATHER THAN REVEAL CONTRADICTIONS?

REGARDLESS, THIS IS THE SAME AS TRYING TO BRUSH ASIDE MARX BY POINTING OUT THAT OVER 90% OF FORMALLY DECLARED MARXISTS ARE CHARLATANS, FRAUDS, SCOUNDRELS, RENEGADES, AND OTHER INSULTS LENIN WOULD’VE USED. OUR DEFENCE OF MARXISM AS A METHOD AGAINST FORMALIST APPROPRIATIONS OF MARXISM, EITHER IN THE FORM OF A WORSHIP OF ICONOGRAPHY OR A SORT OF RELIGIOUS TEXTUALISM MASQUERADING AS ACADEMIC MARXISM: THIS IS FUNDAMENTALLY THE SAME AS OUR DEFENCE OF HEGELIANISM, WHICH AGAIN, WE CLAIM IT IS NO COINCIDENCE WAS MARX’S PRIMARY POINT OF THEORETICAL REFERENCE.

THIRDLY, YOU MAKE REFERENCE TO THE MASSES: WE DEFINITELY AGREE THAT THERE MUST BE A DIALECTICAL PROCESS BETWEEN MASS AND ORGANISATION, THAT AN ORGANISATION WHICH FAILS TO UNDERSTAND ITS SUBJECTIVE AND OBJECTIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE MASSES CAN NEVER BE REVOLUTIONARY, BUT THE VERY FACT OF BUILDING SUCH AN ORGANISATION IS A SUBJECTIVE MANIFESTATION OF TRYING TO DEVELOP A REVOLUTIONARY THEORY WHICH, I PRESUME YOU WOULD ALSO AGREE, IN THE FINAL INSTANCE IS A NECESSITY FOR TRULY REVOLUTIONARY PRACTICE!

SO: IF WE DEFEND HEGEL IN TERMS OF A THEORETICAL BASIS, IT IS NOT BECAUSE WE ARE “IDEALISTS”, ANY MORE THAN YOU ARE FOR DEFENDING “MAOIST DIALECTICS”, OUR ARGUMENT IS THAT TO DEVELOP A CORRECT THEORETICAL LINE, WE NEED BOTH A MATERIAL ENGAGEMENT AND A FIRM GRASP ON WHAT DIALECTICS IS!

JMP: BUT YOUR ARGUMENT ON THE DEFINITION OF DIALECTICS IS BASED ENTIRELY ON HEGEL SIMPLY BECAUSE OF A FORMAL COMMITMENT TO HEGEL’S HISTORICAL ROLE WITHIN THE GERMAN PHILOSOPHICAL TRADITION AT THE POINT OF MARX’S WRITING!

Tragically, the debate was cut short at this juncture when a DHKP-C guerrilla who had infiltrated the symposium began firing a small handgun into the air and screaming: “FEUERBACH ÜZERİNE 11. TEZ!” over and over again whilst the entire crowd fled the room to retrieve their own weapons.

UPDATE: J. Moufawad-Paul has agreed to continue the discussion in an even more private location with the proceedings to be published later this Ramadan. Worker’s Spatula would like to apologise as usual on behalf of the Turkish left for the Mahircis being so goddamned Mahirci all the time.

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Charles Mingus is the Rosa Luxemburg of Jazz

Mingus

As all of our neighbours in Vienna are aware by now, we at Worker’s Spatula headquarters have replaced the traditional Turkish method of waking our comrades for sahur with a davulcu [drummer] with the more innovative method of waking our comrades and half the neighbourhood with loud 20th century Afro-American music.

No, you shut the fuck up, Laurenz. It’s Ramadan. We need to get our sahur in before a busy day of communism with nothing to eat or drink.

Some of the songs have been purely inspirational, such as “I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel to Be Free” by Nina Simone, who famously defecated on a microphone. Others, such as Public Enemy’s “Can’t Truss It”, have focused on burning questions such as the veracity of bourgeois imperialist propaganda, or “fake news”, as settler-colonial White AmeriKKKa refers to it.

We are, however, moving into a more theoretical phase of Ramadan as we draw ever closer to Laylat al-Qadr, and thus this morning we woke up to the rousing sound of Charles Mingus’s “Moanin'”.

Some of you may wonder what Charles Mingus’s swinging sound has to do with Marxist theory. To that we say: Rosa Luxemburg.

Yes, Mingus intended his career as a composer of great jazz as an allegorical polemic against both spontaneist and commandist deviations in Marxist political practice. We all know how Mingus was eager to take part in the movement to development jazz composition to a higher level, and took active part in workshops geared towards this goal. However, being a Ryan Gosling-level dialectician, Mingus was quickly disenchanted with the formalist errors of his fellow jazz composers, who rejected any allowance for improvisation in their sheet music. Mingus, on the other hand, understood perfectly well that the dialectic between performer and composer is as central to jazz as it is to the revolutionary science of Marxism-Leninism.

Among Mingus’s most famous outbursts, scarcely less famous than “Itzhak Perlman doesn’t have to put up with this type of shit!”, is the time he stormed out of a workshop and berated his “Trotskyite” colleagues for “imposing vulgar commandism on the revolutionary jazz masses”.

Ever since then, pieces like “Moanin'” haven proven through their numerous recordings and performances by diverse artists Mingus’s ability to compose great jazz of a complex and universal nature, allowing for the dynamic subjectivity of diverse performers in their particular material contexts, without deviating into the Kautskyite spontaneism which characterises that most revisionist of all jazz styles, free jazz.

We hope all comrades have enjoyed this brief lecture on the theoretical importance of Charles Mingus. For our comrades in Vienna, tomorrow’s sahur music and lecture will also centre on the dynamics of the social movement, as expressed in “Stand Up” by Ludacris.

Image source: FablesOfFabus on imgur, captioning Mingus on getting evicted, full quote: “I hope that uh… the communists blow you people up, man. You dig? That’s where I am. Red China.”

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Point/Counterpoint: Theory or Practice?

Praxis

Point: Your theory is bourgeois idealism, stop confusing the proletariat (me)
by Toilers’ Party for Global Freedom representative

Worker’s Spatula, shut the fuck up! Nobody gives a fucking shit about dianetics, nobody fucking knows who Steven Engels is, and for sure nobody fucking cares which part of the social-fascist deMOCKratic “$ociali$t$” of ameriKKKa (d$a) is better than which other part. You need to stop using so many big words to cover up for what you’re doing: spreading social-democratic and reformist views that serve imperialism and pave the way for fascism.

Fuck your propaganda for the Zionist psyop “Rojava” and the social-imperialist Jeremy Corbyn, fuck your stupid reading list which just confuses the proletariat (me), and especially fuck your claim to being anti-revisionist Stalinists when you don’t even uphold the immortal thought of Comrade President Xi. You’re nothing but fucking Trots, with your “movement building” and your “quantitative change” and your “blocking me from your Facebook page”. But what do you have to show for it? Pages and pages of bullshit nobody wants to read because it doesn’t relate to materialism.

While you were spreading your idealism, my party, the Toilers’ Party for Global Freedom, was engaged in real fucking revolutionary practice. We confronted your imperialist Sandersbot friends at some Fight for $15 bullshit, chanting “BERNIE KILLED ROSA” while waving the flag of the ONLY Korea, the North one, and the flag of the only Syrians, the SSNP. We’re fighting fascism in its most dangerous form, as the ANTISOFA front against social-fascism, while you’re all in the library or Melbourne or wherever the fuck you are.

While I can’t organise any workers because of that book Settlers, the one good thing your dumb site has recommended I read, I can say I’m personally doing more for proletarian revolution here in the so-called “United” States than any of you are doing in any country in the world, even if you are organising workers: I’m at the firing range every week, getting ready for the fucking people’s war against UnKKKle $am. I bet that pisses you off, doesn’t it?

More like “Imperialist’s Spatula”.

And stop over-complicating Leninism with your stupid quotes, you revisionists. You may be able to quote a lot of bullshit, but if Lenin were alive today, he’d answer you just as he answered the revisionists in his day with his 11th Thesis: OPPOSE BOOK WORSHIP.

Counterpoint: Stalinist practice is the result of Stalinist theory.
by the only Marxist on the internet

That was a marvelous display of ignorance, typical of Stalinists like the ones who run this sorry excuse for a website which has agreed to host my rebuttal.

I am sure no actual Marxists are even reading this, just the same sort of Stalinists who run this page, but I was promised a case of some truly choice pinot noir in exchange for a counterpoint in defence of Marxist theory, so here we are:

The claims of “revolutionary practice” by Stalinists mirror their claims of defending “actually existing socialism”. This faux-materialism is nothing more than a constellation of vulgar left-nationalisms which are bourgeois in the first and final instance, all attempts to dress them up otherwise notwithstanding.

Could you pop open one of those pinot noirs for me? No, no need for a glass, just uncork it and set it down there.

I’m sure Worker’s Spatula were hoping I was simply planning on rebutting the pithy pseudo-revolutionism displayed in the outbursts of this child from the so-called “Toilers’ Party for Global Freedom”. I suspect Worker’s Spatula editors forget all those times they called me a “leftcom waste of oxygen” and “gainsaying wrecker neo-Trotskyite filth”. Then use me as a hired gun who can be bought off with a few bottles of pinot to gainsay your ideological enemies within the Stalinist movement???

Don’t take that away, I’m still drinking that!

Well, I haven’t forgotten. I haven’t forgotten anything. It’s always you Stalinists who forget things. You forget how many of your heroes wouldn’t be up to your own standards of Marxist theoretical rigour, you’ve forgotten how many un-self-criticised zig-zags and re-un-self-criticised re-zig-re-zags you’ve been responsible for throughout your confused 20th century aborted attempt at marrying assorted “anti-imperialist” bourgeois nationalisms with Marxism predicated on a few out-of-context Marx quotes, and now you’re doing it all over again with 21st century identity politics and whatever unsettled nationalist scores you can still muster in 2018! You fucking hacks! You expect me to treat you any differently from these first day communist kids because you can hobble together some Hegelese? You think I’ll view you as equals because you could hold your own in a debate with Žižek? Anyone with enough coke in their system who’s taken more than one semester of philosophy can pull that off! How long will your fraud go unexposed?

Your future will be the same as all of those who have gone before you, and picking on stupid kids who can’t tell the difference between the Bolshevik Party and Phalangists won’t change that. One day your opportunism will overpower your intellectualism and you’ll be right there next to them, you won’t be joking when you claim Trump is pushing history forward because of some ill-defined “contradictions”, your US comrades will be low-level functionaries in some washed-up post-DSA “popular front”, your German comrades will be little Horst Mahlers, your British comrades will be in the Green Party, your Australian comrades will still be in the Green Party, and any of your Turkish and Kurdish comrades who aren’t dead will be Doğu Perinçek and the PUK, respectively.

I can see the future through my superior understanding of the dialectic of class struggle, “comrades”, and I can tell you in the end everyone will see what frauds and fake Marxists you were, like all the Stalinists before you. One day, history will look back and see that I was the only real Marxist on the internet.

And then maybe, just maybe, someone will read my blog.

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Che Guevara T-Shirt Worn Ironically Ironically Ironically

Che

BUENOS AIRES – Tomás Loggia, medical student at the Universidad de Buenos Aires, recently returned from a trip to Uruguay sporting a Che Guevara t-shirt, on several levels of irony still being calculated by friends and family.

Loggia, who is indeed a Marxist, though not affiliated with the best Marxist organisation in Argentina, the PCR, had purchased the t-shirt with at least three levels of irony in mind:

“I saw a young man in Cordón wearing a Che Guevara shirt, and he looked like such a terrible bourgeois hipster, and I thought, he must be doing it ironically. How funny would it be if I were to buy such a shirt and wear it myself, as a Marxist, making fun of non-Marxists wearing Che Guevara shirts, especially those bourgeois hipsters who are only doing it ironically. And ironically, I’m also bourgeois by class background, and doing a kind of ironic hipster thing, but ironically, I’m a Marxist, but appropriating… I mean… do you see what I did there?”

Loggia’s girlfriend, one Ms. Sofía Bergman, considered it fairly ironic that Loggia thinks anyone would appreciate any levels of irony in his shirt distinct from the level on which Loggia understood the Montevidean hipster’s fashion choice.

“Maybe that’s it?” she offered desperately, “Maybe he’s ironically ironically wearing this ironic t-shirt because he knows no one will appreciate the irony?”

Loggia’s younger brother Sergio pointed out that like the famous revolutionary, his elder brother is studying medicine at UBA, “but is that ironic? Or just a coincidence?”

On a related note, Loggia’s childhood friend Juan Romero [editorial note: no relation] spent about an hour trying to calculate if the t-shirt’s irony will increase, decrease, or remain the same depending on whether Loggia completes his studies and becomes a bourgeois doctor. At time of press, Romero was reading about motor scooters on Wikipedia following a series of Wikipedia tangents.

Others have noted additional levels of irony: Loggia’s maternal aunt noted the irony of her nephew’s ironic purchase as a communist, not because of that stupid misconception that communists purchasing things is somehow “ironic”, but because Loggia is advertising a non-existent guerrilla affiliation as a joke in public in the same city where her first lover was disappeared by the Argentine state on suspicion of working closely with the ERP at a time when Marxists took great care to conceal even the faintest hint of their views and affiliations.

His body has not been recovered to this day.

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Humourless Marxist Reviews: Worker’s Spatula

HMRSpatula

What follows is a Humourless Marxist Review that was originally to be published on Worker’s Spatula – Marxist-Leninist prior to the faction’s reunification with Worker’s Spatula, in which WS–ML reviewed the page from which they had split in terms of our perceived shortcomings. It has been edited so as to not be in ALL CAPS.

Worker’s Spatula is a pompous rag for pseudo-revolutionaries which attempts to cover up its total lack of meaningful intervention into practical politics with a series of jokes so juvenile that even here in Australia they seem a bit insulting to the level of intellectual discourse we expect.

Even where the writers can excuse this total waste of time of a website by making reference to their own political work outside of it, they’re powerless to deny that the overwhelming majority of their readership practise a masturbatory political apathy fueled by depression-anxiety which Worker’s Spatula enable by providing them content with which to obscure their own objective distance from the proletariat and organised politics as such.

Particularly in the US, where most of their readers are.

The page used to do exclusively satire pieces, which, particularly when Australian writers were involved, were occasionally funny. Now they’re trying to reinvent themselves as some sort of lighthearted “platform”, so they don’t even have to make proper jokes anymore. They just write whatever’s on their bloody minds in between classes!

The worst of all their stupid ideas would have to be their “Humourless Marxist Reviews”, which in addition to not being proper satire, couldn’t even really pretend to refer to politics at all. Contrary to what the name implies, they were just stupid jokes about media they hadn’t always even reviewed. These were also the pieces where the “Marxist” analysis was at its thinnest as well. Hopefully they’ll cut that out now that we’ve called them out for it.

They’ve also gone soft on anarchists and Trots lately, particularly since so few of the writers are still in Turkey, the homeland of Marxism-Leninism.

It’s also extremely repetitive. Oh, another piece about your depression, [REDACTED]? Couldn’t have seen that coming. Oh, you’re going to write about the DSA, better mention how the ROL is in charge of it, particularly the Boston branch, for the thousandth time! Oh, another joke about Trump being a communist who’s trying to delegitimise bourgeois democracy and US imperialism and “accelerate the contradictions”? PICK A NEW FUCKING JOKE, YOU HACKS.

Hey, here’s a joke for you: what’s the US equivalent of RaFFWU, the fighting trade union for fast food workers here in Australia? You’d never know from reading Worker’s Spatula, a site with mostly US readers named after the fact that its founders all worked in fast food at some point in their lives, although clearly not any single one of their writers based in the US at present!

All in all, you can see why we left. The only Marxist publication in the English language which has less potential to meaningfully raise up the general theoretical level of internet Marxists and offer an inventive new way to practically intervene in the organising of the next generation of revolutionaries… is all of them.

Give it up now, you cunts.

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Leninism or Liechtensteinism?

BankFrick

The question “Leninism or Liechtensteinism?” might seem absurd to ask now, almost two decades into the 21st century, since such an ideological debate might, at first glance, appear to be a horse long since beaten to death in a harsh display of animal cruelty that will hopefully cause currently non-vegan readers to consider veganism. Innumerable tracts and books have already been written on the subject, and Leninism appears to have lost the Cold War to Liechtenstein. Accordingly, many might assume that, in 2018, there is simply not reason to even consider the role that Liechtenstein or Leninism play in the world-system, let alone what relationship they have to one another.

This would be a grave mistake, like reading Althusser, or speaking to anyone who reads Althusser. Liechtenstein and Liechtensteinism are alive and well, and a real threat to Leninism, the revolutionary ideology which, grasped properly, can guide us to the liberation of all humanity.

For this reason, Worker’s Spatula are dedicating considerable resources, including human resources, to fighting the scourge of Liechtenstein. We do this in concrete practice, on the front lines with our guerrilla forces in Sevelen and Feldkirch, who have long been a thorn in the side of the Liechtenstein authorities with their daring cross-border raids in which cattle and sheep are confiscated and anti-Hans-Adam II graffiti is left on the walls of Ch. Gerster AG and FL Logistik and other such shitty little Liechtensteiner businesses which are the cogs in the Liechtensteiner imperialist machine.

But as history has shown so many times, armed struggle is nothing without thorough theoretical-ideological struggle. In that vein, we must continue the fight against Liechtensteinism in all its forms, in the socialist movement and around the world!

What is Liechtenstein?

Strangled by Catholic conservatism, Liechtenstein is the sort of country where women only received the right to vote in 1984. This, however, matters little, as voting rights in Liechtenstein are very close to meaningless, with almost all elected officials being hand-selected by the Liechtenstein royal family, who get the first and last say in all foreign and domestic policy in the first place, a role that goes largely unquestioned by the petty bourgeoisie and labour aristocracy of Liechtenstein because they are bought off by the vast riches expropriated by Liechtensteiner imperialism, the most powerful imperialism in the world in terms of soft and hard power. Liechtenstein has military bases all over the world disguised as “US bases” or “Chinese bases”, no one should be fooled: Liechtenstein is playing all imperialist powers off of each other for their own gains as the chief imperialist power in the world.

In addition to being the head of global imperialism, the sinister banking capital which holds the puppet strings of the capitalist world-system, Liechtenstein is also the last bastion of pure, unapologetic Nazism in the German-speaking world. Where other German-speaking countries at least formally apologise for the crimes of the Nazi era, Liechtenstein proudly displays statues honouring Russian Nazi soldiers who they protected from communist justice. From primary school onwards, every Liechtensteiner child is taught that Adolf Hitler was a great leader (almost as great as their own Führer, Hans-Adam II), and that the Holocaust was justified because it was very profitable for their banking system, and of course for the royal family headed by the tyrant Hans-Adam II.

The Liechtensteiner royal family’s crimes are almost too numerous to list. South Africa, Namibia, the Congo: almost every horrific colonial crime against Africa was carried out with the open monetary support and covert military support of Liechtenstein’s bloodthirsty ruling family, who in most cases ordered these crimes to be carried out to protect their profits. The Zionist colonisation of Palestine, the Holocaust, the creation of the CIA, all of these and more were carried out under the watchful eye of agents of the Liechtensteiner royal family. None of these have been apologised for or even acknowledged by the fascist Hans-Adam II.

Few people realise this, but the market fundamentalist Ayn Rand spent the last few years of her life in abject poverty, having been abandoned by almost all of her wealthy reactionary friends. In her hour of need, the Liechtensteiner royal family subsidised all her living expenses to make sure that the “philosopher of Liechtenstein ideology” was cared for. It should therefore come as little surprise that Liechtenstein was behind the creation of Bitcoin, not only for its banking potential, but also because it wastes all that energy on Bitcoin mining, which is bad for the environment and stuff.

What are some manifestations of Liechtensteinism?

Astute readers may have noticed that no other Marxist publication dares speak out against Liechtenstein’s crimes as boldly as we at Worker’s Spatula do. This is no coincidence. Almost all so-called “Marxists” around the world are revisionist agents of Liechtenstein themselves, and the rest cower in fear at the idea of provoking Liechtenstein’s wrath. Stefan Engel personally entrusted Worker’s Spatula with the task of exposing Liechtenstein to the world on behalf of ICOR. This piece is but one example of our efforts in this field.

Liechtenstein does not merely attempt to muzzle the communists from speaking out against them, it actively seeks to reshape “Marxism” in its own image. This trend may be termed “Liechtensteinism”, and examples of it are many. The easiest place to start is in Liechtenstein itself, with the scoundrel Pepo Frick, a member of the family behind the Liechtenstein bank carrying out direct investment in the cryptocurrencies personally pioneered and promoted by Hans-Adam II, including Bitcoin.

Despite his ‘leftist’ posturing, Pepo Frick is entirely uncritical of Liechtenstein’s retrograde monarchy, fascist apologetics, imperialist reach, and capitalism itself. His group, the so-called “Free List” stands for nothing more than the strengthening of the Liechtensteiner state on “social” grounds, a revisionist stance if ever there was one!

But this revisionist line, that socialism is statism and socialism simply means “more state” (indeed more of the bourgeois state!), is by no means limited to Liechtenstein itself. Recently declassified documents reveal that Liechtenstein intelligence agents were behind the confusion during the late Cultural Revolution era in China which led to the rise of the arch-revisionist Deng Xiaoping to power in that country, resulting in the restoration of capitalism we witness today.

The fact that thousands of revisionists around the world defend Chinese “socialism” as socialism is in fact proof of how numerous the agents of Liechtenstein are, even within our movement! Although they pose themselves as “for the state against the market” in opposition to the ideology of Ayn Rand and Liechtenstein which is “for the market against the state”, they are all of them objective agents of the bourgeois state and defenders of the market, whether in Liechtenstein or China!

How can Liechtenstein and Liechtensteinism be combatted?

In addition to joining the campaign of sabotage being carried out from the border areas of Austria and Switzerland, guided by our comrades of the Revolutionary Organisation of Liechtenstein (operating from within the belly of the beast!), there are many things comrades around the world can do to contribute to this struggle.

Firstly, you can rededicate yourselves to the study of Marxist-Leninist theory, so as to be able to sharply demarcate between yourself and the Trojan horse within our movement: revisionist Liechtensteinism.

Secondly, you can expose all enemies of the people, all reactionaries and fascists, all imperialists and chauvinists, in short, all oppressors as agents of Liechtensteiner imperialism. Do not allow Liechtenstein to hide their crimes around the world! From Palestine to Kashmir to Greece to Australia, not a single political crime against the poor and oppressed without the bloody fingerprints of Liechtenstein being found at the scene!

Consequently, you must unite all toilers, all oppressed, all workers, all strugglers in every field of struggle in defence of each of their liberation and their common liberation. Unity of the poor and oppressed in struggle is the single greatest fear of Liechtensteiner imperialism, and together the masses of toiling humanity can bring Liechtenstein to its knees!

Liechtenstein must be destroyed! Death to Pepo Frick!

Workers and oppressed peoples of the world, unite!

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Suicide Hotline Hold Time Gives Communist Chance to Think About Death

theOTHERtikb

CW: A more or less unchanged description of an actual suicide attempt.

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS – Following a weeks-long spiral of despair, PhD student Özgür Ğ. attempted suicide earlier this afternoon, by trying to hang himself with his Kurdish pûşî in a dark classroom at Harvard University.

A tear in the pûşî caused our Alınteri-reading hero to tumble to the ground in what would, under other circumstances, be a comical display, punctuated by Siri calling out to him, having mistaken the fall for an attempt to activate the smartphone assistant app.

“Siri, suicide hotline!” exclaimed Özgür into the dark room as he dusted himself off.

By about the tenth minute into hold time, Özgür’s dark thoughts had not dissipated, only crystalised into their expected ideological form.

“If I die like this, isn’t it even more worthless than my pointless life as a petty bourgeois academic?” Özgür wondered to himself as the hold time dragged on, picturing himself going out in a blaze of glory, confronting the fascist Turkish state, TİKB saflarında. “A guerrilla’s death, that would be the suicide for me.”

The hold time continued to drag on, while Özgür began picturing his insignificant life being snuffed out in ever more newsworthy and heroic contexts.

“If I became another Suphi Nejat, the Maoists would feel so bad about all the times they made fun of me,” thought Özgür, as he waited for the suicide hotline to pick up for the 23rd minute. “I wonder what Yankees do during this wait time? Probably they just kill themselves like they originally planned. Truly Marxism-Leninism is a lofty ideology, to have provided me with such a greater potential meaning to my coming death during this important moment of clarity.”

Özgür’s heroic pontifications, alongside the suicide hotline, were cut off by a ding on his smartphone alerting him he had received another e-mail from his advisor:

Dear Özgür,

I’m sorry to say that over the past few weeks I’ve noticed a sharp decline in the quality and quantity of your work

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Human Nature Discovered

DNA

MUNICH – Top sciencers at the Bourgeois Institute for Legitimate Facts in Munich, Bavaria today announced a breakthrough in evolutionary biology: the confirmation of the existence of human nature, the immutable genetic source of class divisions in our unchanging society. One representative, Doktor Hans Rheinmüller, addressed the assembled press, including a Worker’s Spatula correspondent, earlier today.

“We’ve long known that humans are greedy, which is a technical term for the fact that no human can ever be truly happy if others are not starving and doing without. Economists, biologists, geneticists, photographers, and IT technicians have long agreed on this obvious fact. However, rogue evolutionary biologists with obvious communist sympathies have recently begun to claim that in spite of these facts, which they acknowledge as anyone with common sense would, it may be possible to either mitigate greed, or to evolve past it.

“After extensive genetic testing and review of the fossil record, we have discovered that the Neanderthals lacked the ‘greed’ gene, which was what actually allowed Homo sapiens to drive the Neanderthals extinct. Any attempt to create a society without exploitation or genetically modify humans to remove the ‘greed’ gene would likewise result in our rapid extinction at the hands of some aggressively bourgeois society. Perhaps space aliens, or the French.

“Likewise, those who suggest that state force could be used to in any way mitigate this intrinsic and scientifically proven feature of our eternal human nature, or even that a progressive tax plan should be put in place at present to alleviate poverty or combat climate change, are proven wrong by our extensive research on Homo floresiensis, which reveal that this species of human went extinct following a stock market crash brought about by socialism, the source of all crises in capitalism, the otherwise stable economic system of which socialism is a merely communist-inflected form.

“I will not be taking any questions,” concluded Doktor Rheinmüller, before retiring to his study to continue writing his physics-based rebuttal of the absurd fantasy tome, Capital, by Karl Marx.

Stefan Engel immediately arrived on the scene to comment, uninvited.

“What can we say, comrades? We’ve been proven wrong. These real and meaningful critiques come from a scientific perspective, and shatter our fantastic philosophy once and for all. Probably I will become an investment banker now, and I encourage all my former comrades of the MLPD to give me all their money to invest, the profits of which will not be shared with them, as is only natural and therefore right and fair.”

Slavoj Žižek surprised the world by taking a contrarian stance: “I am tempted to say the opposite,” hissed the Slovene from a bar in downtown Ljubljana, where he had been drinking with our local Balkan correspondent since 10 AM, totally by coincidence. “I propose that what is actually said, in the explicit form, is in fact, contrarily, within the totality of itself, meaningless. That is to say, simply because, and I don’t mean to be offensive I have many feminist friends, simply because human nature has been proven, does this mean that we are in fact, required to be human?

“I propose that the opposite is in fact the case. That we must refuse to take part in human nature precisely because, and here is the point, because of what humanity is being defined as by scientists.”

“My god!” he concluded, before downing the remainder of his beer and stumbling back to the bar.

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Ultraleftist to Abolish Time

TimeIsTooExpensive

MELBOURNE – Victoria University philosophy student and Auckland transplant Norm Thompson continues his quest to develop revolutionary science to still greater heights:

“As we all know,” began Thompson, speaking to the “Marxism-Leninism-Maoism Reading Group” at VU, “the one problem with the heroic Khmer Rouge, which abolished money, is that the money itself is not the source of exploitation and surplus value. Class goes deeper than that.”

The assembled Aussie reds all nodded in solemn agreement.

“Money is just a particular manifestation of the universal problem of class society: that those who have exploit those who have not. The rich lead lives which they determine for themselves, while stealing the lives of the poor masses, hour by hour.

“The solution, comrades, is obvious: we must abolish time itself.”

The ensuing eruption of violence claimed the lives of several Maoist university students. Thompson and his supporters within the reading group fled into the hallway, firing backwards at the RIM faithful who defended themselves with a hail of gunfire of their own: “ULTRALEFTS OUT! THE RED SUN OF MARXISM-LENINISM-MAOISM WILL NEVER SET!” screamed Fatima Yusufi as she blasted at the fleeing Pol Potists from behind the table she had knocked over.

Under a tree outside, Thompson continued lecturing to his two supporters, who kept one eye on the door behind them, hands on their weapons, in case the Maoists pursued them to continue armed polemics: “Of course, we cannot abolish time without abolishing the conditions which allow time to continue to exist and be divided unevenly between the bourgeoisie and the proletariat.”

“And what, Chairman Norm, are those conditions?” enquired one of Thompson’s supporters, as he reloaded his weapon from behind the tree while the other kept his weapon trained on the front door.

“I subscribe to the ‘growing block universe’ theory of time. The process of becoming that spacetime undergoes is itself the dialectic of history. In my view, this is why the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement is bourgeois: it understands a need to abolish that which actually exists by destroying humanity. But class struggle will continue on other planets, despite what the Posadists claim.

“The only way to properly reach the end of history is to actually end history and time altogether. The conditions by which time and therefore exploitation is allowed to exist is the objective material existence of the universe. Destroy the universe, destroy time, end exploitation, full nihilist communism.”

The next morning, startled students awoke to find the walls of Victoria Place absolutely covered in graffiti demanding the immediate end of time.

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