Suicide Hotline Hold Time Gives Communist Chance to Think About Death

theOTHERtikb

CW: A more or less unchanged description of an actual suicide attempt.

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS – Following a weeks-long spiral of despair, PhD student Özgür Ğ. attempted suicide earlier this afternoon, by trying to hang himself with his Kurdish pûşî in a dark classroom at Harvard University.

A tear in the pûşî caused our Alınteri-reading hero to tumble to the ground in what would, under other circumstances, be a comical display, punctuated by Siri calling out to him, having mistaken the fall for an attempt to activate the smartphone assistant app.

“Siri, suicide hotline!” exclaimed Özgür into the dark room as he dusted himself off.

By about the tenth minute into hold time, Özgür’s dark thoughts had not dissipated, only crystalised into their expected ideological form.

“If I die like this, isn’t it even more worthless than my pointless life as a petty bourgeois academic?” Özgür wondered to himself as the hold time dragged on, picturing himself going out in a blaze of glory, confronting the fascist Turkish state, TİKB saflarında. “A guerrilla’s death, that would be the suicide for me.”

The hold time continued to drag on, while Özgür began picturing his insignificant life being snuffed out in ever more newsworthy and heroic contexts.

“If I became another Suphi Nejat, the Maoists would feel so bad about all the times they made fun of me,” thought Özgür, as he waited for the suicide hotline to pick up for the 23rd minute. “I wonder what Yankees do during this wait time? Probably they just kill themselves like they originally planned. Truly Marxism-Leninism is a lofty ideology, to have provided me with such a greater potential meaning to my coming death during this important moment of clarity.”

Özgür’s heroic pontifications, alongside the suicide hotline, were cut off by a ding on his smartphone alerting him he had received another e-mail from his advisor:

Dear Özgür,

I’m sorry to say that over the past few weeks I’ve noticed a sharp decline in the quality and quantity of your work

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Human Nature Discovered

DNA

MUNICH – Top sciencers at the Bourgeois Institute for Legitimate Facts in Munich, Bavaria today announced a breakthrough in evolutionary biology: the confirmation of the existence of human nature, the immutable genetic source of class divisions in our unchanging society. One representative, Doktor Hans Rheinmüller, addressed the assembled press, including a Worker’s Spatula correspondent, earlier today.

“We’ve long known that humans are greedy, which is a technical term for the fact that no human can ever be truly happy if others are not starving and doing without. Economists, biologists, geneticists, photographers, and IT technicians have long agreed on this obvious fact. However, rogue evolutionary biologists with obvious communist sympathies have recently begun to claim that in spite of these facts, which they acknowledge as anyone with common sense would, it may be possible to either mitigate greed, or to evolve past it.

“After extensive genetic testing and review of the fossil record, we have discovered that the Neanderthals lacked the ‘greed’ gene, which was what actually allowed Homo sapiens to drive the Neanderthals extinct. Any attempt to create a society without exploitation or genetically modify humans to remove the ‘greed’ gene would likewise result in our rapid extinction at the hands of some aggressively bourgeois society. Perhaps space aliens, or the French.

“Likewise, those who suggest that state force could be used to in any way mitigate this intrinsic and scientifically proven feature of our eternal human nature, or even that a progressive tax plan should be put in place at present to alleviate poverty or combat climate change, are proven wrong by our extensive research on Homo floresiensis, which reveal that this species of human went extinct following a stock market crash brought about by socialism, the source of all crises in capitalism, the otherwise stable economic system of which socialism is a merely communist-inflected form.

“I will not be taking any questions,” concluded Doktor Rheinmüller, before retiring to his study to continue writing his physics-based rebuttal of the absurd fantasy tome, Capital, by Karl Marx.

Stefan Engel immediately arrived on the scene to comment, uninvited.

“What can we say, comrades? We’ve been proven wrong. These real and meaningful critiques come from a scientific perspective, and shatter our fantastic philosophy once and for all. Probably I will become an investment banker now, and I encourage all my former comrades of the MLPD to give me all their money to invest, the profits of which will not be shared with them, as is only natural and therefore right and fair.”

Slavoj Žižek surprised the world by taking a contrarian stance: “I am tempted to say the opposite,” hissed the Slovene from a bar in downtown Ljubljana, where he had been drinking with our local Balkan correspondent since 10 AM, totally by coincidence. “I propose that what is actually said, in the explicit form, is in fact, contrarily, within the totality of itself, meaningless. That is to say, simply because, and I don’t mean to be offensive I have many feminist friends, simply because human nature has been proven, does this mean that we are in fact, required to be human?

“I propose that the opposite is in fact the case. That we must refuse to take part in human nature precisely because, and here is the point, because of what humanity is being defined as by scientists.”

“My god!” he concluded, before downing the remainder of his beer and stumbling back to the bar.

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Ultraleftist to Abolish Time

TimeIsTooExpensive

MELBOURNE – Victoria University philosophy student and Auckland transplant Norm Thompson continues his quest to develop revolutionary science to still greater heights:

“As we all know,” began Thompson, speaking to the “Marxism-Leninism-Maoism Reading Group” at VU, “the one problem with the heroic Khmer Rouge, which abolished money, is that the money itself is not the source of exploitation and surplus value. Class goes deeper than that.”

The assembled Aussie reds all nodded in solemn agreement.

“Money is just a particular manifestation of the universal problem of class society: that those who have exploit those who have not. The rich lead lives which they determine for themselves, while stealing the lives of the poor masses, hour by hour.

“The solution, comrades, is obvious: we must abolish time itself.”

The ensuing eruption of violence claimed the lives of several Maoist university students. Thompson and his supporters within the reading group fled into the hallway, firing backwards at the RIM faithful who defended themselves with a hail of gunfire of their own: “ULTRALEFTS OUT! THE RED SUN OF MARXISM-LENINISM-MAOISM WILL NEVER SET!” screamed Fatima Yusufi as she blasted at the fleeing Pol Potists from behind the table she had knocked over.

Under a tree outside, Thompson continued lecturing to his two supporters, who kept one eye on the door behind them, hands on their weapons, in case the Maoists pursued them to continue armed polemics: “Of course, we cannot abolish time without abolishing the conditions which allow time to continue to exist and be divided unevenly between the bourgeoisie and the proletariat.”

“And what, Chairman Norm, are those conditions?” enquired one of Thompson’s supporters, as he reloaded his weapon from behind the tree while the other kept his weapon trained on the front door.

“I subscribe to the ‘growing block universe’ theory of time. The process of becoming that spacetime undergoes is itself the dialectic of history. In my view, this is why the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement is bourgeois: it understands a need to abolish that which actually exists by destroying humanity. But class struggle will continue on other planets, despite what the Posadists claim.

The only way to properly reach the end of history is to actually end history and time altogether. The conditions by which time and therefore exploitation is allowed to exist is the objective material existence of the universe. Destroy the universe, destroy time, end exploitation, full nihilist communism.”

The next morning, startled students awoke to find the walls of Victoria Place absolutely covered in graffiti demanding the immediate end of time.

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Princess Diana: Also a Worker

DianaintheMiana

We must socialise the Monarchy to raise their class consciousness.

It has been 20 years since Diana, Tywysoges Cymru, died whilst using publically funded transport. Shockingly, no organ of the British working class (aside from the Sunday Sport) took the time to honour her memory.

Her death in August of 1997 sent shockwaves around the world, arguably leading to the death of that other Tribune of the People, known Albanian Mother Theresa. In the months of public mourning after the tragic event, the bourgeois press attempted to cover up the proletarian nature of the life of the last British Stakhanovite. Worker’s Spatula have elected to rectify this by publishing Her True Story.

Born into obscurity in a small village in East Anglia, Diana (maiden name Spencer, from the old French term for Butler of Steward) experienced significant hardship during her upbringing. Coming from a broken home, and never performing well at school, one would expect her to become a member of the landless rural Lumpenproletariat like the rest of her family. However, she rose to public prominence after marriage to minor British dignitary Charles Windsor and embarking on a career in Landmine Removal. Following the example of her idol, Che Guevara, she travelled to Angola to join the struggle of the MPLA against the regional domination of the apartheid South African regime, where she met Che’s comrade Fidel Castro, and fell pregnant with two young children who unfortunately grew up to be Maoists.

Such was her dedication to raising the revolutionary consciousness of the international working class, that she founded and worked for over 100 revolutionary organisations (which the bourgeois mainstream media offensively obscure by referring to them as ‘charities’).

Following her divorce, she spent time party building in London, New York, and Lahore, before moving to Paris in the wake of the election of socialist Lionel Jospin to the position of Prime Minister. Though her time in Paris before her untimely death was short, her impact was far reaching, as can be seen in the introduction of the 35-hour workweek, and the CMU (couverture maladie universelle), both solid gains for the French working class, who still mourn the loss of their last great leader every year.

Indeed, her tragic death following a life and death car chase with state agents in Pont de l’Alma tunnel in Paris whilst she was on her way to a union meeting (where she was branch chair), was met with shock and outrage by workers of the world. Following the public outcry, British Prime Minister Tony Blair colluded with the British Establishment to de-politicise Diana’s death, appealing to national-chauvinist sentiment to stem the rapidly growing insurrection, enlisting the support of noted class collaborator Elton John to memorialise Diana as ‘England’s Rose’ (an affront to the Welsh peasants who she spent decades organising against English domination!).

Since her death, scab princess, Camilla Parker-Bowles, has tried to fill the shoes of the People’s Princess, but has only managed to write one cash-in book on bone vitamins, the most reactionary of all vitamins. More recently, she has tried to bolster her faltering cult of personality with the dubiously titled Big Bone Walk, where she lead 90 suffering children on a 10 mile walk in an attempt to emulate the PLA’s ‘Long March’.

In stark contrast, despite the sneers of former confidante and revisionist Paul Burrell, the legacy of the Queen of Hearts lives on in the struggles of the 32 million British workers who watched her televised funeral.

Diana lived, Diana lives, Diana will live forever, no matter how the bourgeois press try to make us forget her, and her untimely death.

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Fucking Idiot Doesn’t Understand Relationship Between Surplus Value and Profit

Shaikh

NEW YORK – Anwar Shaikh found himself confronted by a rival Marxist economist at a conference earlier this week over his approach to the transformation problem. Despite Shaikh’s obviously superior understanding of economics at large and Marxism in particular, he found it quite difficult to convince his idiotic shithead rival that the transformation problem was little more than a simple accounting issue that anyone whose brain isn’t entirely filled with shit should immediately be able to grasp:

“Are you actually fucking stupid?” enquired Shaikh of the upstart bastard who dared question his theoretical approach, “How can you not understand the transfer of value between the circuits of capital and revenue? Profit is mainly derived from surplus value, but not exclusively! Go read the first pages of ‘Theories of Surplus Value’, and learn what profit upon alienation is.

“You dumb fuck,” concluded the Economics professor from the New School for Social Research in New York City.

“If you consider the money value of the net product with regard to total labour time, and the value of labour power as the net labour time represented by the money wage, the surplus value can be calculated through the actual profit, which is to say…” began Shaikh’s rival, before being cut off by a punch to the face.

“You fucking simpleton! You stupid fucking idiot! Do you not even care about the total product, or just the net product? Do you not even realise that profit itself is a product of surplus value, not the other way around? Do you know a fucking thing?”

Shaikh’s brutal response to the “revisionist clowns” around him “who probably haven’t even read the third volume of Capital” is expected to finally legitimise the labour theory of value in the eyes of mainstream economists, and unify Marxist economics around a single theory of exploitation.

The obvious practical applications to having unified our academic understanding of the transformation problem are simply too numerous to list here.

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Has-Beens Very Unimpressed with the Struggle

AndrewA

PARIS – The City of Lights, the Big Apple, the Paris of the East: the French capital goes by many names, and is famous as the home of the commune, and the Whopper. But for the past two days, Paris has also hosted the fourth annual International Radical Has-Been Conference.

The move to Paris follows three consecutive years in Wellington, New Zealand, which had been chosen for its extreme safety for our retired radical friends. The pivot to Paris followed a decision at the end of the third conference to relocate to a city whose best years were far behind it.

Hippies, punks, and various breeds of Marxists whose claim to fame and legitimacy is some token act or personal relationship from at least a decade prior which proves they are real radicals; all of these came together to reiterate their pretext for avoiding all contemporary political struggle and organisation.

“I was Lukács’s goddamn student!” explained Andrew Arato, during his keynote speech at the extremely white and overwhelmingly male gathering. “I was, okay? Who could possibly know more about communism, or be more serious about it than me? I have tonnes of other old academic friends you can ask if you doubt me!”

“But mostly, I knew fuckin’ Lukács! You fuckin’ idiots!” he concluded, to raucous applause from the room full of tattooed men who prefer the company of a rotating harem of impressionable younger women who are easily impressed by boastful stories of personal heroism to knowing, in a sexual or (heaven forfend) non-sexual capacity, a single woman who might endanger their ego by engaging in a serious discussion about theory and practice.

A series of panels with very similar titles were held on the second day in the morning: “Heroes of the Arab Spring”, “Heroes of Gezi”, “Heroes of Occupy Wall Street”, and of course, “Heroes of the 2010 Student Protests”. None of the panels contained any single statement that could distinguish any of those present by theoretical commitment, though our correspondent was able to ascertain that self-identified anarchists, Marxist-Leninists, “MLMs”, narodniks, and left communists were all represented in the ranks of the panelists.

“So then a fucking cop comes around the corner, right? And my buddy, Mike, he’s scared as shit, I can see it in his eyes, but I just charge him and kick him. He clubbed us both pretty bad, but at one point I even knocked him down. That was fuckin’ awesome,” explained one speaker on the Occupy Wall Street panel to the thinly populated room.

“You fuckin’ liar! You were the one who was scared! I was the one who knocked down that cop!” interjected the speaker’s friend Mike, leaping self-righteously from his chair and storming from the conference hall in to go purchase some halal fast food from a Tunisian “who probably has to serve racist French people all day, I’m probably the only white person who’s ever said ‘ahlan’ to him.”

The conference wrapped up with a talk on “Prospects for Revolution Today: Why Bother?” by an Israeli leftist who was jailed for his refusal to serve in the Zionist occupation army in like, the ’90s or something.

“As the crisis deepens, we see waves of resistance across the world, from Rojava to South Africa. If you’re anything like me, the first thing this makes you ask yourself is: ‘Wasn’t I really brave when I stood my ground against state repression, years ago? Why can’t people today do something as cool as that one thing I did?’

“The reason is simple. They’re all dumb kids. There’s no point talking to a single one of them, because they haven’t seen what I’ve seen, man. They just take part in stupid projects that aren’t as cool as I was.

“Yeah sure, some of them go so far as to actually face death on the front lines against fascists. But they’re line-jumpers. I’ve yet to hear one martyr pay their respects to heroes like me who paved the way for their posturing. And they’re naïve, they don’t know what I know, and what I can’t teach anyone, because everyone’s so unworthy of my brilliant insights.

“God, it’s so annoying to hear all the apolitical assholes who I’m inexplicably surrounded by talk about the MLKP and TKP/ML like what they’re doing is so impressive. What I did was impressive too, okay? And yet Israel still exists, so what’s the fucking point of anything?

“I’m done, I tell you. I got myself a nice NGO job, I’m building myself a little Ottoman-style harem, and I’m going to live out my days telling anyone who will listen how important my one contribution to struggle is, at any given opportunity. Anything else would just mean tainting my purity by talking to other people, particularly young people.

“Cynics of the world, divide and go home: you have nothing to gain, and a lot of time to waste.”

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French Anti-Fascist Front to be Built Around Racist Austerity with a Human Face

NaziMacron

PARIS – Informed and reasonable people across France and in sympathetic imperialist countries are urging all French voters to come out for Macron in the Second Round of the French elections, in which voters will be asked to choose their preferred candidate in a system of run-off voting which, for the unfamiliar, basically prolongs the experience in countries without run-off voting.

Individuals who describe themselves as “socialist, but not in a mad way” are united around the view that Macron must be fervently supported to prevent Le Pen from being elected, although they are less able to articulate why the Le Pen dynasty is such a consistent threat to their estimably reasonable political positions, election year after election year.

What they did know was that Macron will certainly be better for the people living in France:

“I’ve done the maths, and my estimates indicate that we may be able to reduce the number of people killed on the basis of social policy which devalues their very lives by as much as a third if they are murdered for their social class rather than their race, colour, creed, etc.” explained utilitarian philosopher and stats boffin Jules Liechtenstein. “In addition, the high rate of suicide due to the unemployment Macron would create, plus the unnecessary deaths due to his defunding of public services like healthcare, would be dragged out over many years. That’s a big savings in life-years and a potential increase in Gross National Happiness when compared to the death camps Le Pen is proposing.”

“There are those who propose that the death camps would be better for Gross National Happiness on the grounds that French life is already such a miserable charade, such a farce, such a fucking je ne sais quoi of immiseration and despair, that maybe the sooner we’re all rounded up, the better. This is a clearly uninformed position, as the hours prior to suicide may be spent drinking lovely wine in a lovely park; while in a death camp, the scenery is generally considered to be unpleasant and the wine sub-par, and the whole experience therefore somewhat detrimental to the happiness averages.”

Our local correspondent interjected at this point: “Isn’t it true that black and Muslim French people will be killed by fascistic police in either case, and that thousands of refugees already languish in inhumane conditions in detention centres?”

“Of course,” replied Liechtenstein. “But be reasonable. That’s just the way things are, we’ve got to prevent fascist ideas from gaining a foothold in French politics now.”

Worker’s Spatula’s English correspondents found a general solidarity with the reasonable descendents of Maximilien Robespierre in academic haunts of England as well: Trevor Stutts, a liberal Professor of Trade Union Studies at the University of Sunderland said: “I’ve long said that if the left want to stop the right, they have to just close their eyes and just vote for whatever the right wants them to vote for, no matter how awful it is. What’s more, I’ve proven this logically.” At this juncture, Stutts gestured over to a flip chart bearing the formula “Fascism minus Epsilon > Fascism”.

“Anyone who understands basic maths and logic can see that if the far left simply choose to act rationally, unlike Slavoj Žižek and other such ultra-left radicals, they will take a firm stand against fascism by embracing its acceptable “social” form.”

Asked whether he had plans to vote in the upcoming British General Elections, Prof. Stutts said he couldn’t possibly bring himself to vote for a Labour Party candidate who wouldn’t even wear a proper suit.

Worker’s Spatula Editor-in-Chief Revealed to be Your Flatmate

Eviction

YOUR FLAT – Months of research have finally confirmed your suspicion that Worker’s Spatula, the most popular source of anti-revisionist snark on the internet, is run by none other than your flatmate.

Your flatmate, who is always seen with a döner wrap in one hand and a Persian-language history of the Kurdish national movement in the other, is supposed to be doing a Master’s in Economics or some such, but actually spends more time smoking in your shared kitchen, mumbling about Turkish politics, a pastime which has been confirmed to be part of the Spatular lifestyle.

Attempts at broaching the subject of Worker’s Spatula with your flatmate have up to this point been fruitless, with the latter constantly brushing off the Spatula by referring to it as “that juvenile bullshit you keep sharing on your Facebook page”. These words, however, were in stark contrast to your flatmate’s deeds, including meeting up at odd hours with local breamfishers, calling Sarajevo, Ankara, and Liechtenstein.

The conclusive proof came today when you found your flatmate’s unlocked smartphone sitting on the table, with a group WhatsApp chat entitled “Dialectics Firing Squad” open to a vote on what the Spatula Reading Group reading for the second half of April would be, with your flatmate, referred to by others as the “editor-in-chief”, casting the decisive vote in favour of more Hegel.

When confronted, your flatmate responded that he was done with the Spatula now, as it wasn’t funny anymore, and was thinking of shutting the site down. Asked if this wouldn’t be a shame, given the Spatula’s broad following, your flatmate responded by saying “When websites are shut down there should be parties to celebrate the victory of dialectics, to celebrate the destruction of the old.”

Subtitle of Grover Furr’s New Book Just Opening Statement for Speaking Appearances

Furr

MONTCLAIR, NEW JERSEY – Reasonable man and friend of the Spatula Grover Furr is to release a new book entitled “Falsification of the Famine”, whose subtitle is obviously just the opening statement he will be making at all speaking apperances to which he is invited:

FALSIFICATION OF THE FAMINE: Anti-Soviet propaganda has become increasinly normalised since the fall of the Soviet Union after years of decline following the rise to power of the Khrushchev clique, and one can now find baseless slander with no basis in the historical record bandied about as if it were reputable information. Today, the idea that the Stalin-era Communist Party of the Soviet Union organised a genocide called the “Holodomor” is not only an acceptable avenue for historical inquiry and research, but an unassailable dogma. This is despite the known fact that these absurd claims were invented by the fascist Nazi regime. But tonight I intend to show not only that there was no such massacre of innocents, but that indeed the Communist Party of the Soviet Union heroically saved the lives of many Ukrainians from what would have been certain starvation prior to the establishment of the Soviet Union!
by Grover Furr

Sources close to Furr report that the book was the result of a fevered night of writing fueled by tobacco smoked out of a pipe and vengeful rage directed at “the Trotskyites” who wrote hatemail to the Montclair professor in response to his CounterPunch article on the subject of the so-called Holodomor published earlier this month.

The book is expected to be a niche hit in India and spur significant discussion among progressives in various Western European countries, but the English-speaking imperialist countries will likely ignore it as successfully as they ignore everything communists in those countries do.

In unrelated news, every ten seconds, a child dies from hunger in a world without actually existing socialism, a capitalist world in which the profit motive ensures a constant artificial scarcity, including of life essentials like food and medicine.

HDK Parties Courting Fired Academic

akademisyenler

ANKARA – Fırat Önder, a left-wing academic recently fired unceremoniously from his position at Ankara University for his opposition to the Turkish state’s war on the Kurdish people, has been without any faint hope of another job since his passport was cancelled by AKP edict. However, he has not wanted for friends in these trying times.

This morning, TÖPG cadres reportedly showed up at the former History professor’s apartment door with a bouquet of flowers to ask him if he wanted to consider going out for a date sometime: “Any day you’re free, we can go to the park and distribute propaganda, or we can talk about dialectics. Whatever you want, abi,” said the young man clutching the yellow roses close to his equally yellow TÖPG vest.

Önder’s newfound popularity is not limited to TÖPG, the only element of the Turkish left whose cadre read as much Hegel as the Germans. Nearly every HDK party or group has come to him, hoping to win him over to their line. We sat down with Önder in his apartment in Çankaya to discuss his situation.

“It started with the letters of support from my students,” explained Önder to our correspondent over tea in his apartment, as SYKP cadre outside his window knocked on it, waving around pamphlets. “A Kurdish student who lost her little brother in the attack on Sûr told me that I was in her prayers. It breaks my heart to think about that.”

“I guess my students really liked me, because before long, they started getting involved in the campaigns for academics who have been fired. One of them joined Partizan and kept ‘bumping into me’ in the street. Now it’s like I’m in some Turkish film from the ’70s, where instead of being courted by men representing different social classes, I’m being courted by a bunch of 20-year-old revolutionaries who started reading Marx because of me.”

Attempts at courtship have varied in their scrupulousness: “Halkevleri approached me the other night at a bar. It was a man about my age and three much younger women whom he seemed to be offering as some sort of socialist concubines. I told them to fuck off, and they asked me, ‘what are you gay or something?’.

“Then there was DSİP. They said they would ring Callinicos for money for myself and other fired academics if I would help them attack EMEP and ESP.”

When asked if he thought he was going to get organised in the end, Önder nodded eagerly and said “Actually, I’m pretty sure I’m going to start working with Devrimci Parti, but they need to get me a few pairs of their trainers to sweeten the deal. I’m not going to give myself away so quickly and look cheap.”