Marxist Condemns Anarchists for Not Purchasing Books He Hasn’t Read

CheGoethe

CHICAGO – Self-described “tankie” and Malört connoisseur Alex Schmidt exploded in a debate with his mostly anarchist friend circle today over the perceived theoretical shortcomings of the latter.

“Would you shut the fuck up about ‘dictators’? You don’t understand the way imperialism works! Read the State and Revolution!” screamed Schmidt, referencing a modest volume which sits untouched on his bookshelf since he first purchased it, six months ago.

“They’ve got no theory, they’ve got no theory,” lamented the angry youth whose bookshelf is positively brimming with interesting theoretical discussions spanning the 20th century whose covers he has yet to crack.

Following the heated discussion, Schmidt called up his girlfriend to complain about his problems articulating the ideology he doesn’t understand to his friends. Unbeknownst to Schmidt, his girlfriend, Jasmine, has her own problems, which she chooses not to burden Schmidt with.

“There’s a lot of trouble at home,” explained Jasmine to our local correspondent. “I really want to move out, my friend Ella even has a spare room I can afford, but I can’t leave my mom alone with my dad. She needs me.”

Schmidt, for his part, remains blissfully unaware of his girlfriend’s problems, being mostly consumed with his own continual struggle with every ideology which is not his interpretation of Marxism-Leninism cobbled together from Facebook memes: “It’s really hard being the only one with a clear view of what’s wrong with society,” he explained. “Sometimes Jasmine doesn’t even seem to understand me. She’s always hanging out with that feminist friend of hers, Ella, which is making us grow further apart.”

Asked if feminism was yet another ideology which failed to meet his rigorous theoretical standards, Schmidt informed us that he’s “not like a Men’s Rights Activist or whatever, but feminism really fails to account for class. It’s not a deep enough analysis of society for someone like me, you know,” concluded the isolated theoretical genius, as he shuffled to his favourite bar, which he has declared “really fuckin’ lumpen” for no apparent reason.

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Anarchist Disappointed Sun Tzu’s “Art of War” Not as Metal as Expected

“It’s just some dumb book full of stupid words.”

ArtOWar

MELBOURNE – The Melbourne chapter of the Spatula Reading Group has recently gained a new member in local anarchist Kirk Jones from the Melbourne suburb or Northcote. Catching up on the reading has been tricky for the initially enthusiastic newcomer, who was suprised by the disproportionate emphasis on Chinese classics.

“Mengzi? The Tao Te Ching? Are these even words?” asked the incredulous anarchist to the reading group leader, who stared back blankly at him before returning to alphabetising the German idealism.

However, the brave anarchist has been soldiering on, attempting to discern the point of the pile of texts about contradictions and development which are the bread and butter of our satire page. Patience, however, has been wearing thin.

“The Art of War was one I was really looking forward to. I was hoping that would be the break from all this boring bullshit about ethics and spirit and whatever. It’s supposed to be a Chinese bloke going on about war, but it’s probably the most boring one of all!

“Fuck!” he added.

“First of all, it’s clearly written by some sort of cop, I mean, ‘you can be sure of succeeding in your attacks if you only attack places which are undefended’? Where’s the fun in that?

“Secondly, with a name like ‘Art of War’, you’d think it’d be really fucking metal. But it’s not actually, it’s just some dumb book full of stupid words. When I heard all the Vietnamese guerrillas read it during the war, I figured it was some sort of Maoist verison of ‘the Anarchist Cookbook’, but it turns out to be some Taoist version of ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’.

“A complete waste of time,” he concluded.

At time of press, Jones was critiquing the ‘art’ component of the title, given that the Chinese classic failed to include even one ‘gruesome picture of some guy getting his head chopped off’.

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New Zealand Left Relocates to Australia

Sheeps

AUCKLAND – Announcing that “we’ve had a good run”, the entire New Zealand left held a press conference today at which they declared their intention to relocate to Australia, gain Australian citizenship, and help foment socialist revolution in Australia.

“There’s not really much point in going on anymore, is there? We kept expecting to see a resurgent far right like they have in the rest of the Anglosphere, scaring massive… er… relatively massive numbers of young liberals into our arms, but that didn’t happen,” explained Sophie Brown, spokeswoman from the New Zealand ISO.

“Speaking for my own organisation, we were always internationalists, so we have no attachment to particular conditions, and anyway Australia’s not so very different to New Zealand. We have Socialist Alternative waiting to take us in with open arms.”

Ian Wilson, an Auckland-area anarchist, agreed: “One day we won’t have borders, but for now we reckon we’re inside the wrong ones for our ideology. Australia may not exactly be a  left-wing country, but us Kiwis are too moderate all around as things stand. Those of us who don’t have organisations or groups waiting for us intend to mill about for a while and see what suits us. I’ve got some friends in Sydney whose couch I can crash on while I go commune shopping.”

Asked if they were prepared for struggle against the rising tide of nativist chauvinism and fascism, all present answered in the affirmative: “Yeah man, Pauline Hanson, Malcolm Turnbull, bring it on! The people want some bloody action, and we can’t sustain that here in boring old Kiwiland,” reported “Adam”, a member of a tiny group calling itself the “New Communist Party of Aotearoa”, which will apparently be liquidating itself so it can join one of the many successful Maoist grouplets in Australia.

“Most of us won’t really be directly victimised, not being wogs and all”, explained OMU spokesman Alec Manson, “But we are ready to passively declare solidarity with those who are victimised by Australian racism, from refugees being abused in prison camps to the Aboriginal Australians, who clearly just take being angry more seriously than the Māori do.”

United Federation of Planets under Fire for “Social Imperialism”

ComradePicard

WHEREVER STAR TREK TAKES PLACE, SPACE OR WHATEVER, YOU GODDAMN NERDS – Despite claims made by the Federation to have abolished money, several former RIM affiliates have condemned the United Federation of Planets for operating in accordance with “capitalist logic” and having succumbed to the pressures of “space revisionism (the final revisionist frontier)”.

“The use of credits shows that contrary to the Federation’s claims of having advanced beyond socialism into full space communism, there is still some capacity for a descent into revisionism,” said a spokesman for the Communist (Maoist) Party of Afghanistan.

“Indeed,” concurred Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr’s spokesman. “It is our contention that old capitalist habits and relations have been sublated in the newly socialist Federation, but that lack of attention to this fact has allowed capitalist logic to reassert itself through the corrupt Federation bureaucracy. Combined with the Federation’s impressive military force, we are unfortunately beginning to see increasing violations of the Prime Directive, one of the first signs of social imperialism.”

When asked what they proposed as a solution for the dire picture they painted, the spokeswoman for the Communist Party of India (Maoist) prescribed “cultural revolution, by the bucketful. Just keep smashing old things until everything becomes new and good,” causing the other spokespeople to nod their heads in somber agreement.

While the intergalactic Trotskyist movement universally agreed that “degeneracy” was “inevitable” without Trotsky at the head of the Federation Council, they were divided on whether to critically support the Federation as a “degenerated workers’ space-althing” (per the Spartacist League) or whether to claim the Federation, like all practical efforts by anti-capitalists, was “worse than capitalism, which we wouldn’t want to be too hard on” (per Solidarity).

At press time, anarchists were still diving in dumpsters, even though we have fucking replicators now.

World’s Most Notorious Coffee Table Artist Apprehended

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İSTANBUL – Notorious coffee table book artist Banksy was apprehended midway through his latest piece on a wall in Istanbul last night. His trial at the Hague is expected to begin sometime in late 2016.

Banksy’s principal mistake appears to have been trusting the DHKP-C to cover his position while he worked. Rather than establishing a secure network throughout the area to signal when it was time to hide, the masked men of the DHKP-C simply waited until the police entered the area, before beginning to fire at random whilst bellowing: “YAŞASIN BANKSY, KAHROLSUN AMERİKA” in that annoying way that Turks chant at protests.

The piece, which was to take up the entirety of two corner walls of a vacant lot with letters at least two metres high, consisted primarily of the words “ALIŞVERİŞ KÖTÜDÜR” (“SHOPPING IS BAD”), and included stencils of anthropomorphic pigs in gas masks purchasing non-anthropomorphic pigs in gas masks outside of a mosque in what appeared to be a city in China.

US Secretary of State John Kerry called an emergency press conference, at which he largely articulated the views expected from a state organ of the chief imperialist country on Earth: “I don’t think I need to stress what an important capture this is. We can all rest easier tonight. I would like to thank our democratic allies in democratic Turkey for taking time out of their busy schedule of killing terroristic Kurdish children to capture Banksy, whose stencil art has created an environment of chaos and fear for the authorities all across the free world.

“Wherever Banksy’s work is seen, police officers clutch their weapons more tightly, knowing that his revolutionary message of vague dissatisfaction with capitalism was turning every passerby on the street and their mum into a violent insurgent bent on the overthrow of the capitalist state.

“Seriously, Banksy, you scared us so much. It’s off to the Hague with you now, where you can terrorise us no more.”

*Image stolen from demi adejuyigbe.

“The Government in Brazil is a Government,” Anarchist Informs Us

 

ForaDilma

SÃO PAULO – Brazil, better known to Worker’s Spatula’s writing staff as the birthplace of Paulo Freire, is in an uproar over attempts by fascists to topple a progressive government in that country under the guise of “anti-corruption”. Progressives and socialists around the world stand with the poor and downtrodden of Brazil as they protest this latest attempt by the forces of reaction in Latin America to crush the democratic spirit of the labouring peoples.

“But none of that matters,” New York-born anarchist and freelance journalist Sean McCarthy informed Worker’s Spatula’s São Paulo correspondent as they observed a crowd of bourgeois anti-government protesters calling for the resignation of allegedly corrupt officials associated with the Workers’ Party. “What you’re feeding me is pro-Moscow dogma, and it’s just another way of crushing the spirit of liberation that unites all of humanity.”

“I’ve heard it all before. First you’re going to tell me that the Workers’ Party represents the will of the poor, but poor people voted for Hitler. Rousseff is Hitler, is basically what I’m saying.”

“Next you’ll say that their opponents are worse, but who put you in charge of who’s bad and who’s good? Your god, Stalin? Those days are over man, you can’t gulag me.

“You can’t just stereotype the opposition as being a bunch of wealthy white Brazilians, just because most of them happen to be wealthy and white, and hate poor and dark-skinned Brazilians.”

“At the end of the day, all governments are governments, and like it or not, Brazil’s government is also a government. That makes it bad, and that makes everyone who’s against it good.”

Asked who he would be voting for in his own country, McCarthy responded: “Trump of course, he’s a rebel against the system, like me.”

Suicide Bombing Apparently over Kautsky

UP8

PARIS – Eyewitnesses to the shocking suicide bombing yesterday at l’université de Paris VIII refuted rumours which had been circulating that the bomber had been motivated by Islamic extremism. These rumours appear to have been based not only upon the method of attack, but also the early photos showing the bomber with a long hipster beard. Rather, the bomber, one Angelo Petrini, was a Marxist-Leninist motivated by his fanatical commitment to the prophet Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov (SAW).

According to Marwa Atalhaoui, a survivor who barely escaped the blast with as little as a broken leg, a fight between Petrini and his acquaintance Richard Desmoulins reached the level of shouting shortly before the former detonated his suicide vest, as determined by forensic evidence.

“I remember he started screaming: ‘KAUTSKY? YOU READ KAUTSKY? THE RENEGADE KAUTSKY!? THAT’S THE LAST STRAW!’”

Atalhaoui paused to wipe a tear that had escaped her eye before continuing. “I’ve never seen such hateful anti-revisionism. And my uncle’s a Maoist.”

Followers of Bakunin are advised to avoid public places in case anyone should attempt a copycat bombing. French Prime Minister Manuel Valls has proposed putting all Marxist-Leninists on a special police registry for security reasons, “something we should’ve considered long ago anyway”.

Anarchist Man Enjoys Subverting Gender Binary, Lesbian Porn

AnarchistTossingOff

HAMBURG – Local anarchist activist Otto Schwimmer is known among his friends for two things: His fierce opposition to all forms of oppressive hierarchy, from social class to gender, and his passionate love for lesbian-themed pornography.

“Oh yeah, rub your pussies together, you sluts,” exclaimed Schwimmer as he engrossed himself in the woman-dominated spectacle onscreen, manually stimulating himself in a most deconstructive fashion.

Several minutes later, he was to be found in the comments section of an article on a trans woman winning her right to use the women’s showers. “Bravo!” he typed. “If anything, I would say this decision doesn’t go far enough. We need to abolish gender ghettoisation of all showers. In this country where we condemn Muslim immigrants for their treatment of women, we never consider the ways in which we also have our own forms of gender segregation.”

At press time, Schwimmer was seen standing uncomfortably close to two high school-aged girls on a dimly-lit street, explaining why the institution of the police, whether bourgeois or socialist, is unnecessary and oppressive.

US Anarchists Join Forces with Bundy Brothers

OccupyWallStreet

RURAL OREGON – Waving black flags and wearing black masks, extremely radical anarchists have elected to join the “anti-state” occupation of a federal building alongside the Bundy brothers and other assorted reactionaries.

“This is what it’s all about man, fighting the state!” said one Sean Winston from Massachusetts, waving his black flag. “Sure it’s not perfect, but at least this is some real anti-state action for once!” he said, motioning towards the crowd of reactionary landowners waving various American flags and other patriotic symbols of US imperialism.

“I hope we get to fight some cops.” agreed his comrade, Jack Kennedy, clutching his Molotov cocktail. “If they don’t shoot at our new comrades, who are standing up for farmers rights, we might have to just start chucking shit to start a fight. Gonna TAKE DOWN THIS FUCKING SYSTEM!” he bellowed, startling the crowd of “militiamen” alongside whom he was marching.

Asked about whether or not the Bundys were the best comrades in arms, Kennedy responded angrily: “Look, are you trying to prop up the US state and empire? Because that’s what the Bundys are about: Tearing down US imperialism. How can we NOT stand with them, knowing that to be the fact that it is?”

“You just gotta look at it like the settlers in the West Bank.” added another anarchist comrade, one Michael Gold. “They clash with the police too, so this shows that they recognise the evil of the state. Same thing with these militias here. They’re privileged and not totally progressive, but they see through the bullshit, just like us.”

Oregon state troopers declined to comment as to whether or not they viewed the Bundys, their militia allies, or the anarchists as an existential threat to the state or US imperialism.

Asked how they felt about their newfound allies, Ammon Bundy responded thus: “Well, I don’t know if they’re as patriotic as we are, but we guess they’re against big government. If they help us out in our goal of creating a god-fearing, farmer-friendly, small-government, very, very white new America, well I guess I like them.”

“But they better not play any of those punk rap bands I see them wearing t-shirts for, you hear me?”

US Anarchists and Liberals Celebrate Murray Bookchin, Leader of the Kurdish People

BirezBookchin

NEW YORK – This weekend, at an anarchist collective in Queens known as “the Headquarters”, a free event commemorating Murray Bookchin will reportedly take place. The event is being organised in collaboration with various liberal and anarchist-dominated student groups throughout the tri-state area to express their admiration for the work of Bookchin and their solidarity with the Kurdish struggle which he sacrificed so much to lead.

A statement read:

“Who is Murray Bookchin? He was born to a modest Kurdish family in New York, the son of Russian Kurdish immigrants. Through his sheer love of freedom and force of will, he singlehandedly transformed his party, the PKK, and the entire Kurdish struggle from evil Stalinists to ecological-feminist anarchists. It was Bookchin’s brave efforts that brought the movement to the heights of revolutionary success it enjoys today, and it is safe to say that he is also the individual who did the most in the fight against ISIS. A real American hero, we invite you all to join us in celebrating the life of Murray Bookchin.”

Reactions from Kurdistan ranged from anger to astonishment. KCK co-chair Cemil Bayık sighed when confronted with the statement during an interview with Med-Nûçe TV. He slid forward on his traditional plastic chair and shook his head in despair. “I don’t know why I even bother giving all these interviews if Bookchin’s just going to get all the credit.” he lamented.

Meanwhile, in Wan, a Kurdish activist named Rojda spoke with our correspondent over qaçax çay: “Who? Bûkşîn? Who’s that?”

A spokesperson for the UK SWP responded to our correspondent’s request for a comment thus: “See, this is why you can’t trust the Kurds. They were all Stalinists, well, I mean, they’re still all Stalinists, but some kind of mad anarcho-Stalinists. Also, they’re objectively agents of US and Russian imperialism. They’re agents of Russian imperialism because they insist that ISIS, and not Assad, is the primary contradiction in Syria. Ridiculous. They’re agents of US imperialism because they have objectively done nothing to challenge US hegemony. If they were serious, they would read Tony Cliff and Callinicos, cut out all this business of leading the broad Kurdish masses and focus on polite and legal organisation of unionised industrial workers, and of course, declare the primary contradiction in Syria and Turkey to be Islamophobia. Maybe then they could earn our respect, and we might even consider them for IST membership. But in the meantime, I’m sorry, we just don’t take them seriously.”

Responses were also obtained from parties that haven’t lost the plot entirely. Our correspondent in Santiago de Chile enquired with local PC(AC) activists if there was a similar movement to commemorate Bookchin as a revolutionary leader whose work was now manifested in Rojava. “What? No.” snorted one young man with hippie-length hair. “Not that I like our anarchists, but I think they make them a special class of stupid in gringo countries.”

MLPD leader and standing German national weightlifting champion Stefan Engel send us a short message via WhatsApp stating: “ICOR is, as you know, organising solidarity brigades to Kobanê to assist in the reconstruction of the city. I will now propose a motion for sending intellectual solidarity brigades to the US to explain to the people there what’s going on in the world.” He concluded the message by adding 3 beer emojis, which presumably means that he was on or had just completed his third beer.