Aboriginals Raise Language Standards for Immigrants to Australia


DARWIN – Controversy surrounds the latest decision to raise linguistic standards for immigrants to Australia to ensure they can pass a strict language proficiency test imposed by the federal authorities in Darwin today.

“It doesn’t seem that odd to me,” said government spokeswoman Alinga Barton, “If people want to come halfway across the world to live in Australia, the least they could do is adapt to some token extent to our culture and way of life.

“If they can’t even speak the basics of a single Pama–Nyungan language, I don’t understand how we’re expected to live with them.”

Aboriginal Australia was broadly united in their support for this new policy, with over 78% of Aboriginal Australia citing fears that if immigration is left unchecked at current rates, their ancestors may lose all trace of Australian culture and speak some totally foreign language, brought by greedy immigrants with no respect for their heritage.

Immigrant rights groups have objected to the policy as racist and paranoid. We spoke with “White Australia” spokesman Sean Jeffries:

I like to think of myself as an immigrant success story. I came here when I was 12 years old and still managed to learn Warlpiri fluently, marry myself a Warlpiri life, I’m practically a real Australian now. But not everyone is so lucky. Many are excluded from mainstream Australian life because they can only speak English or Croatian, and it’s completely unfair.

If you’d just give white people a chance, you’ll see that we can learn your language and way of life. It just takes time. So long as Australian society is built around an Aboriginal core, with business and education being conducted entirely in Aboriginal languages, there’s no reason to fear immigrants and our languages.

Not all immigrant groups are so hostile to the policy however. On the contrary, Pauline Han, a Salar Muslim immigrant from China, was sharply critical of the “White Australia” group and what she characterised as its “presumptious attitude of entitlement towards Australian society”:

Australia doesn’t owe you a home, Australia doesn’t owe you a job, Australia has thousands of its own to look after. I can’t stand all these white people, showing up uninvited, parasitically using up all Australia’s resources, and then demanding everyone speak English for them on top of it all!

Even the fact that I have learnt fluent Wik Mungkan doesn’t afford me any right to be here. I’m a guest in Australia, and I know it. So when the real Australians just ask that we do this one simple thing, I don’t complain, I thank them.

Worker’s Spatula Interview Malcolm Turnbull about Trump, Kant


CANBERRA – In a time of apparently shifting imperialist alliances on an international scale, with Trump reversing the Democratic Party’s policy of ramping up tensions with Russia, instead apparently taking aim at Beijing, Australia has been apparently caught in the crossfire. Worker’s Spatula’s chief correspondent in Melbourne went to Canberra to sit down with Malcolm Turnbull, the least pleasant man in Australia, to find out what makes this clockwork man tick:

WS: G’day, how’s it going?

MT: G’day yourself, all right?

WS: All right. You recently found yourself in a bit of a row with Donald Trump. Speaking for many observers, we never would’ve predicted Australia under Turnbull would be one of the more forthright rival imperialist powers in the era of Trump. How would you characterise the gap between yourself and the Donald?

MT: Donald Trump, as everyone knows, is a Hegelian. Obviously I mean this in both the philosophical and the political sense: In every conversation, he is known to bring up the question of stages of internal development which in his mind justify the callous abandoment of duty. It is the basest hypocrisy that Trump at once derives power from the institutional order and at the same time casts us all into collective chaos.

WS: So you would identify with a purer Kantian tradition?

MT: Naturally.

WS: Let’s talk about the specific disagreement which led us to this impasse. You claim that Trump is reneging on his duty to resettle refugees from Australia. Why not just resettle them here?

MT: Please be serious. There’s a categorical imperative which shows why this is impossible. Imagine in your mind one of these boats full of refugees. They think they can just come to Australia, and there may only be three of them in the boat, but what if everyone thought like them? We’d have billions of the buggers, and we’d all end up starving to death.

WS: Right but…

MT: Do you want us all to starve to death?

WS: Sure, but doesn’t the same apply to the US? Should all refugees go to the US?

MT: No, not all. This is exactly the point. We had an agreement whereby we would resettle some of their refugees and they would resettle some of ours. By definition, their choice cannot be considered to be deontologically wrong, since it is neither a choice, nor one that other refugees could try to make into a universal law.

Additionally, the refugees they were to send us in exchange were pious Roman Catholics from Latin America, who would fit in well in my Australia.

WS: Beg pardon? As opposed to…?

MT: Not as opposed to anyone in particular. It’s just that…

WS: You know, despite your attempts at grandstanding as some ethically superior force to Trump, there are those who would accuse you of sharing a common anti-Muslim bigotry.

MT: Such slander is hardly becoming of a respectable publication such as Worker’s Spatula.

WS: With all due respect, this isn’t idle gossip. There have been a couple occasions where you’ve effectively defended racist statements in the public discourse. Of particular note, I recall you lauding Peter Dutton specifically after he went on his little tirade against the Lebanese.

MT: *laughing* Don’t worry about what you read or hear in the press, which is only a flawed representation of the thing-in-itself through the human senses. I assure you that here in Australia we have an a priori understanding of what it means to be racist that doesn’t allow for me to be perceived as such.

WS: I see. Any closing statement?

MT: Vote Liberal, the noumenon of Australian politics.

UPDATE: Following publication of this interview, Pauline Hanson of the modestly named “Pauline Hanson’s One Nation” party has announced that she intends to defeat “Muhammad Turnb-Ali” in the 2019 federal election by running on a platform of combatting radical Islamic terrorism and popularising the writing and thought of Arthur Schopenhauer.

Pauline Hanson after the Zoroastrians Now


MELBOURNE – Following widely publicised failure to win over Melbourne’s generally liberal Jewish community to her fascistic rhetoric, Pauline Hanson and her unpretentiously named Pauline Hanson’s One Nation party are seeking out other non-Christian groups to jump on her bandwagon of anti-Muslim hatemongering.

“I thought for sure the Jews hated the Muslims even more than I do, but they’re not biting,” explained Hanson. “Good for nothing, frankly. We may have to deport them as well.”

“Anyway, I found a minority group that literally fled Sharia law to come here: the Iranians.

“I know, I know, that would sound like they’re Muslim refugees, which isn’t exactly our thing. But get this: There are non-Muslims in Iran. We’re going after the Zoroastrians.”

Hanson took our correspondent with her on her next campaign stop, a prayer meeting of Zoroastrians in a small house in Caulfield. We were escorted inside by a young man who explained to us that the fire ritual before us was a blessing for the home.

“Look at the fire, yeah? Just like a barbie. They’re real Australians, not like the Muzlims and Abos.”

“Muslims don’t like barbies?” enquired our correspondent.

“Nah, they hate ’em. Mostly curry and dim sum, that’s what they like,” explained Hanson absently, transfixed on the flickering flames before her.

Our correspondent, unsatisfied with Hanson’s criteria for accepting the Zoroastrians into Australia’s warm embrace, pressed on: “But aren’t they covering their faces? Isn’t that what you call…”

“It’s not a burqa!” snapped Hanson, suddenly turning her full attention back to our correspondent, who found herself backed up against the wall by a livid Hanson: “They’re not covering women’s faces, but men’s! In fact, I reckon they’re just doing it to upset the Muzlims.”

“I’m not sure that’s how this, or the world, works…” responded our correspondent, sceptically.

“Look,” said Hanson, pulling our correspondent by the arm into a side room, “I’ve had it up to here with all of you reporters, with your facts. Don’t you think I don’t know they’re all wogs? But so what, the country’s already mostly Asian, because you didn’t listen to me last time. The least I can do is get some of these Asians on my side before there’s a headscarf on you, young lady.”

Convinced by Hanson’s passionate convictions and consistent talking points, our correspondent sent a communique back to headquarters urging the editorial staff to endorse Pauline Hanson as the choice for Zoroastrians and all other non-Muslim Asian minorities in Australia afraid of wearing the headscarf.

The Central Committee responded with an e-mail containing only a link to this video:

At time of press, Hanson was on television addressing a hall full of non-Muslim Iranians: “My dear Zoroastrians,” she began.

A hand went up from the back of the hall: “Bahá’i.”

“Bye-bye to you, I’m just getting started…”

Labour Aristocracy Understood through Fucking Forklift Operator


MELBOURNE – Worker’s Spatula, being opposed to any sort of dogmatism and continuously staying aware of our limits in providing ready-made answers, have always maintained a healthy and dialectical relationship with the working class and contemporary trends in their consciousness. A burning question of the last century or so of communist organising has always been – what are the exact issues which the toiling masses are willing to rally around?

In that spirit, our intrepid Australian correspondent sharpened her boomerang and went to search for answers in the very heart of the class struggle – a warehouse in Carlton, Melbourne. After silently observing a group of workers walking out for a lunch break from a nearby bush, she adjusted her cork hat and approached them with one question in mind – what is that most grinds their proletarian gears? Could it be the behaviour of the warehouse boss? Their pathetic wages? The disgusting sandwiches served at the canteen?

“No. It’s that bastard in the forklift,” quipped Dave Surname, a particularly burly worker who nodded towards a self-satisfied man wheeling about in the aforementioned vehicle. “Bruce, he’s called. Bruce Franić. They put that bludger in the forklift right at day one ’cause he claimed he came in eleventh at last year’s Shitbox Rally. And I’ve been eyeing that forklift for months. Look at me hands!”

The Spatula’s correspondent recoiled in horror.

“This is the dreaded box rash, mate,” Dave continued. “Get on the forklift and you’re free of the rash, full stop. That figjam has never experienced it, and probably never will, and he keeps rolling around us on that piece of shit, as if he’s just in it to spite us. I’d fucking bash him, if only the manager wasn’t around.”

Clara Paulson, the floor manager, was found standing near the warehouse entrance, doing whatever it is floor managers do with their clipboards: “Bruce? He’s not very popular with his co-workers, but I don’t mind him – he’s an alright worker. He fills his daily quota and does what he’s paid to do. Yeah, any idiot can drive a forklift around, but I guess somebody’s got to do that too. I don’t understand all the rage – just a couple of days back somebody spraypainted ‘OSSM: RAYMOND BERBLING LIVES ON IN OUR STRUGGLE’ on the forklift, with something that looked like platypus dung. What in the hell is an OSSM?”

Our correspondent returned to the group, who were by now finishing their lunch break and heading back to work.

“You do realise that what you are experiencing fits perfectly with the Marxist-Leninist theory of the labour aristocracy?” she asked enthusiastically.

“And what would that be?” enquired Noah Talbot, another strapping proletarian.

“Well, there exists a privileged upper layer of the working class which receives a higher wage and better working and living conditions. Like Bruce, who gets to drive that awesome forklift that you lot all envy. Well, that higher wage of his – and that forklift – come from superprofits extracted through imperialism, which basically means that he’ll lose that forklift if the government stops oppressing the Aboriginal peoples. So his parasitic forklift-driving existence is a vulgar manifestation of the connection between your exploitation and alienation as proletarians and the horrific colonial oppression experienced by the Aboriginals!”

“Yeah, he’s a fucking cunt,” agreed Noah.

Our correspondent thanked the workers for their time and handed everyone a copy of Lenin’s “Imperialism, the Highest Stage of Capitalism”, which she makes sure to keep in her backpack, as well as a copy of Enver Hoxha’s “Imperialism and the Revolution” for the group to share.

After receiving the report, the Worker’s Spatula Central Committee carefully reflected on the matter, and came to the conclusion that there will be no revolution in the warehouses if the spine of the forklift aristocracy is not immediately broken (and thrown into the fire). Thus, we, Worker’s Spatula, on behalf of the exploited and oppressed the world over, hereby instruct all sympathetic forces to add “abolition of the very concept of ‘forklift operator'” to their minimum programmes; in workplaces where such a position is necessary, it is to be regularly rotated on a daily basis among all able employees.

Death to the forklift tyranny, freedom for the proletariat!

Yelp Reviewer Clearly Using Reviews to Incite People’s War


SYDNEY – Following a string of Yelp restaurant reviews by one “JungleTiger” which paid scant attention to the quality of food and service but dedicated paragraphs to non sequitur statements about the history of the international communist movement and the wait staff’s views thereon, it has become clear that the author of these reviews is pursuing a strategy of utilising Yelp reviews to further the accumulation of forces for a coming “People’s War”.

“Teras Bali is a decent restaurant. I particularly liked the seafood. Indonesia is a country with a rich and storied history and culture. But a part of it many Australians might not know much about is the way that the mighty PKI was unable to achieve victory despite what appeared to be quite favourable circumstances, because unfortunately the universal truth of Protracted People’s War had not yet been revealed by the RIM’s groundbreaking analysis of Mao’s contributions to the proletarian ideology. The result was the massacre of millions. And yet the bourgeois Peruvians over at La Perrillada want to tell me about how bad Abimael Guzmán was!”

The account has reviewed numerous Chinese restaurants in the Sydney area, and even other metropolitan areas of Australia, including Melbourne and Adelaide (which is a hole). Statistical analysis reveals a clear pattern by which restaurants whose wait staff recall the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution more fondly receive higher reviews. The account’s single five-star review belongs to a restaurant in Sydney where an older waiter joined the reviewer in singing along to Cultural Revolution songs on their iPhone:


A hole-in-the-wall Albanian restaurant was added to the web site by “JungleTiger” simply so they could review it. The review in its entirety reads “Bloody dogmato-revisionists”.

Communist Going Around House Party and Asking Everyone “Have You Considered the Class Implications?”


MELBOURNE – Local communist and Masters student in Philosophy Alex Sterlitz is reported to be walking quietly between chatting groups at a Melbourne house party and jumping into any conversation with the sentence “Good point, but have you considered the class implications?”

“Christ, I suppose I hadn’t,” replied Sandy Nelson, brother of the host of the party. “But now that you mention it, I suppose class does play a significant role.”

“He really made me think about the educational gap between me and my neighbour, who I’ve been arguing about refugees with. It doesn’t excuse his racism, but it made me rethink the way I’ve been presenting the problem to him, which may have been a bit elitist,” Nelson informed the local Worker’s Spatula correspondent at the party, shortly after the encounter.

Metres away and seconds later, Sterlitz struck again: “Good point, but have you considered the class implications?”

Anita Robinson, a friend of the host from their cycling group, and her co-worker Sharon, didn’t seem to appreciate Sterlitz’s attempts at raising class consciousness. “We were talking about how our boss at the fast food restaurant where we work can’t go one day without ‘accidentally’ handling one of our arses, and what a sexist prick he is,” Robinson informed our correspondent, taking a sip of her beer. “Then this guy showed up out of nowhere and told us how we were absolutely right, but that we also need to consider class as a factor.”

“He said we have to employ class analysis to get a fuller picture of the power structures of our workplace,” added her co-worker Sharon. “So, basically, he told us that our boss is the one who runs the place, and we do all the work. Then he just said ‘Socialism!’, and walked away.”

But Sterlitz had not yet finished with his quest to raise the class consciousness of partygoers. He approached the duo of Eric Li and Dave King, standing by a clearly rarely played piano in the corner: “Good point, but have you considered the class implications?”

“Pardon me?” asked King, visibly confused.

“The class implications, have you considered them?” asked an unshaken Sterlitz.

“Of what?” asked Li.

“The… what were you two talking about?”

“I was saying I didn’t like Suicide Squad, and Dave was saying he liked it.”

As of press time, Sterlitz had left the house party, declaring it “thoroughly bourgeois”.

New Zealand Left Relocates to Australia


AUCKLAND – Announcing that “we’ve had a good run”, the entire New Zealand left held a press conference today at which they declared their intention to relocate to Australia, gain Australian citizenship, and help foment socialist revolution in Australia.

“There’s not really much point in going on anymore, is there? We kept expecting to see a resurgent far right like they have in the rest of the Anglosphere, scaring massive… er… relatively massive numbers of young liberals into our arms, but that didn’t happen,” explained Sophie Brown, spokeswoman from the New Zealand ISO.

“Speaking for my own organisation, we were always internationalists, so we have no attachment to particular conditions, and anyway Australia’s not so very different to New Zealand. We have Socialist Alternative waiting to take us in with open arms.”

Ian Wilson, an Auckland-area anarchist, agreed: “One day we won’t have borders, but for now we reckon we’re inside the wrong ones for our ideology. Australia may not exactly be a  left-wing country, but us Kiwis are too moderate all around as things stand. Those of us who don’t have organisations or groups waiting for us intend to mill about for a while and see what suits us. I’ve got some friends in Sydney whose couch I can crash on while I go commune shopping.”

Asked if they were prepared for struggle against the rising tide of nativist chauvinism and fascism, all present answered in the affirmative: “Yeah man, Pauline Hanson, Malcolm Turnbull, bring it on! The people want some bloody action, and we can’t sustain that here in boring old Kiwiland,” reported “Adam”, a member of a tiny group calling itself the “New Communist Party of Aotearoa”, which will apparently be liquidating itself so it can join one of the many successful Maoist grouplets in Australia.

“Most of us won’t really be directly victimised, not being wogs and all”, explained OMU spokesman Alec Manson, “But we are ready to passively declare solidarity with those who are victimised by Australian racism, from refugees being abused in prison camps to the Aboriginal Australians, who clearly just take being angry more seriously than the Māori do.”

Pauline Hanson the Real Victim, Apparently


MELBOURNE – The entire Australian media, including supposedly “liberal” outlets, have united in their view that Pauline Hanson was the victim of an “abusive” “attack” by Aboriginal activist Murrandoo Yanner, wherein he slandered the known racist as a “racist redneck”, marking the worst incidence of abusive language in Australian politics since the last time Hanson or any of her supporters opened their mouths on any subject.

“It’s a fucking disgrace, letting these Abos run their mouths like that. You see why we had to send them away to them schools, eh? They’ve got no manners…” explained Hanson supporter Chris David, before he was cut off with a punch to the jaw by our local correspondent.

Hanson herself could barely hold back tears as she explained what had happened: “One of those people, you know the ones, the ones we never took a vote on whether we tolerate their existence or not, came up to me, in MY country, and told me to go back to my fish and chip shop. Everyone knows my fish and chip shop burnt down last year. We lost a lot of good bream in that fire. You know it was probably ISIS that did it. Comin’ over here…”

One more well-placed punch later, our local correspondent met with reasonable “non-racist” white Australian and proud owner of several Chinese friends, Karen Osborne, who tried to make sense of Hanson’s ideology for us:

“A lot of people claim she’s racist, but I don’t know. I mean, I don’t agree with all of what she says, but it just seems like common sense. This is Australia. Like we’re in Australia now. I’m Australian. And Australia is a place for Australians.”

Asked if there were different types of Australians, Osborne remained persistent: “It’s not a question of types. It’s a question of how long you’ve been here. The Muslims and so on, they’re new. We don’t know how well behaved they are, so we want to look at them a lot. We want to see them on CCTV cameras in the streets, in their mosques, in their bedrooms, ideally. Whereas me, I’ve been here for a while, so you don’t need to check in on me so much. Nobody needs to look and make sure I’m not causing any trouble.

“And the Aboriginals, they’ve been here forever, haven’t they? So I don’t know if we need to see them at all.”

Australian Anti-Revisionists Evaluate Strategy of Haunting Houses

Image courtesy of VacuityMechanica

MELBOURNE – Meeting in the old Cooper house at the stroke of midnight, representatives of the Marxist-Leninist “October Seventh Socialist Movement”, the Marxist-Leninist (Mao Zedong Thought) “National Preparatory Committee of the Marxist-Leninist Communist Party of Australia”, and the Marxist-Leninist-Maoist “Committee for a Revolutionary Communist Party in Australia” met to discuss the pros and cons of their strategy of agitating for socialist revolution in Australia by haunting houses throughout the Melbourne and Sydney metropolitan areas.

“Woooooooooooooooooo!”, began a representative from the NPCMLCPA, waving around a copy of “Eureka”. “Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

“A plainly revisionist position,” countered the OSSM’s representative. “You’ll fall right into the lap of the imperialists talking like that.”

“I’m afraid I must agree,” added the CRCPA representative. “Chairman Gonzalo rejected this stance decades ago.”

While all present agreed that there was a clear disadvantage to appearing in mirrors and jumping out from closets covered in blood to deliver their principled defence of the legacy of Comrade Stalin, it appears that all will continue to organise in this fashion, “for security reasons”.

“Besides,” added the CRCPA representative. “Even if I was capable of braving the sunlight, handing out propaganda in public is for Trots and revisionists.”

Sources Confirm: Australia Still the Fucking Worst


MELBOURNE – The Australian federal election, as is now known, was a moderate success for the Australian Labor Party [sic], who were able to win a fair number of seats from the Liberal–National Coalition, whose politics Labor [sic] assure us are quite different to theirs.

Days on, however, the votes continue to be counted, mostly due to the laziness of the Australian vote counters, who are all of course white Australians, unlike the industrious non-white immigrants who could’ve counted all the votes within an hour and still had the energy to take on a pack of white Australian fascists in a street fight.

It seems likely, however, that Turnbull and his Coalition will maintain power, in spite of the loss of seats. They will simply need to enter into a coalition with those stupid “parties” that Australians like that consist of only a single seat occupied by the person whose name is even part of the bloody party name.

Additionally, it is worth noting that the Australian Greens achieved the monumental victory of maintaining all of their seats.

Many sources say that regardless of how a government is formed, the election confirms longtime suspicions that Australia is “the worst” and “full of fucking knobs”. An e-mail to Malcolm Turnbull requesting confirmation or denial of these allegations was responded to thus:

Dear Worker’s Spatula,

While the Honourable Malcolm Turnbull regrets that he cannot personally respond to every enquiry which is sent in to the office, it is the general view of those of us who work in his office that his election in the first place does signal a particularly high level of knobishness on the part of the Australian electorate, and indeed may serve as evidence that Australia is just the fucking worst.

Best regards,
The office of Malcolm Bligh Turnbull

PS: Yes, his middle name is fucking Bligh. More like “blight” if you ask us.

Unfortunately, on the ground information from our Australia correspondent was scarce as just before the election she was deported from Southeast Asia’s least favourite island. A stamp on her passport reading “fuck off, we’re full” has made her legal re-entry an impossibility, and therefore our brave correspondent spent much of the past few days attempting to sneak into the country. She was, however, able to provide us with the following responses of local Marxist-Leninists to the election:

The Communist Party of Australia assures us that the Australian masses are now aware of the dead end represented both by Labor [sic] and the Coalition, and that they plan to stand in the next elections, where they will undoubtedly be very successful.

The Communist Party of Australia (Marxist-Leninist), for its part, has condemned the revisionist CPA for this strategy, which fails to take into account Australia’s status as a semi-colony of US imperialism, a unique analysis which has won the CPA(ML) many supporters among the Australian masses, who are preparing for people’s war even as you read this, drinking something other than VB, like some sort of fancy English cunt. You think you’re too good for us, eh?

As of press time, our correspondent had snuck back into Australia using her cleverly chosen light skin, and had begun grilling a celebratory bream on the barbie.