Overcoming the Whitegeist


“Why Trump? Why now? Why not Bernie?”

Don’t worry, US readers: this will not be yet another thinkpiece about how Donald Trump reflects the latent white supremacy of the settler-colonial Yankee national identity. This will not be yet another thinkpiece about how many of Donald Trump’s supporters are bourgeois. This will not be yet another thinkpiece which repeats that the Trump presidency is the means by which the crisis punishes all of the US for the victory of Clintonite status quo-ism over even the most modest reformism of Sanders.

You know these things already. The fact is, everyone knows these things. Everything under the sun is old and burnt.

Rather, let us dispense momentarily with a simple meditation, in lieu of a hot take. At this point, all but the most out-of-touch critic would agree that Bernie, would in fact have won. But given that the objective conditions are such that Bernie didn’t in fact win, let us not forget how much of the blame lies precisely with political subjects such as Sanders and the Sandernistas for failing to see beyond the Whitegeist.

The Zeitgeist, as all of our readers know, is the spirit (Geist) of the age (Zeit). We are most concerned with the level of development of the masses, their collective consciousness and spirit. It does not suffice to consider oneself a meaningful political subject and not consider the objective reality of the development of the revolutionary masses. But who are the revolutionary masses In the United States? Quite simply, everyone except white people.

At this point, their biases against us confirmed, all the white leftists in the United States have stopped reading. But seriously, folks, nobody is actually preaching that there is no revolutionary potential in the struggles of “white” proletarians. And if they do appear to exist, they’re just Worker’s Spatula psyops.

In fact, just to be safe, assume that everyone on left Twitter discussing such matters is either a Spatula writer or a sockpuppet which is part of a Spatula psyop, depending on whether or not we unironically share the views they espouse or not.

Can we all stop talking about the problem of imaginary leftists condemning labour strikes because of the skin colour of white workers? How often has this actually obstructed your practice, if you’re reading this and actually have any practice (since most of the internet left has neither theory nor practice)?

However, many white leftists in the United States, particularly the Sandernistas and large sections of the DSA, but also some anarchists and Marxist-Leninists, seem to think that chauvinism is found only in explicit statements of condemnation for oppressed nations and identities or movements addressing said oppression. Strasserite chauvinism finds its reflection in an obsession by more honest socialists with saving the soul of white workers, no matter how chauvinist those workers might be.

“Oh so you’re saying all white workers are chauvinists?” Hell yes we are, every single one of them is chauvinist trash, no different to the KKK, and all non-white workers are pure vessels for the revolution, whose only flaw is not kicking white workers out of their unions screaming “beat it, whitey!”

But seriously, the editing process for this piece was inordinately held back by debating how many times we should insert a joke about how we hate all white people* or there are no white workers or whatever. The hyper-sensitivity on this point by white communists (particularly in the US) is so obnoxious and we wonder when they will stop it. We assure you: we have considered the class implications.

We all know Trump voters are not disproportionately the disenfranchised in this country. We all also agree that there should be a unity of struggle between the white proletariat and the oppressed nationalities. The problem is, to build a sincere solidarity after literally centuries of harsh national oppression, which is not merely a scar on historical memory but which creates a real hierarchy in economic reality, we must do so on the terms of the more impoverished oppressed nationalities.

Occupy Wall Street began in 2011. Afro-Americans have been struggling for their most basic democratic rights since before there was a United States. It is not unreasonable to expect that in uniting the two struggles, the one should show due deference to the other.

But what is the response of the white left? To scold others for bringing up the national question, to speak of “One United American Working Class™”, to compare George Washington to Robespierre, and other such thinly-veiled patriotic nonsense, right as the US Empire is weakening for the first time since the end of the Cold War!

It is not only the DSA, who speak of the US as a “nation”, who do this, but even many ostensible Marxist-Leninists! While the Whitegeist in the US may be one step ahead of Occupy Wall Street, the Zeitgeist of the oppressed nations in the US is one step ahead of Black Lives Matter, is in Cooperation Jackson, is speaking about “decolonisation”. We struggle to unite these struggles of course, but the Whitegeist must be brought up to the level of the heroic oppressed peoples in the US, their struggle cannot be buried because the Whitegeist of the white working class (or intellectuals’ idealist conception thereof) is frightened of it!

Our hypocritical white US leftists insist that they support Black Lives Matter, that they “like” Malcolm X, that they name-drop Assata Shakur. Like anarchists, they use their individual lifestyle to cover up the essence of a more general theoretical critique; like social democrats, they assure us that Black America is on their mind, but we can’t divide the working class [vote?] by distracting precious white workers from their own precious white problems with anyone else’s “identitarian” non-white problems; like the liberals who worship Barack Obama, they want Black “allies” who validate their position as good white people and do not make them uncomfortable.

In short, these labour aristocratic settler-colonialist white leftists who have yet to face their own history and social position substitute their own consciousness for that of the revolutionary proletariat. They may be well-intentioned, but their good intentions are only an indication of of how far we can travel with them as individuals. They are no indication of the correctness of their analysis, which entirely substitutes their idealist and subjective conception of the working class for a critical dialectical process of material struggle of all workers and all oppressed.

There is a general tendency in the United States to characterise polemics such as this one, without using precisely this terminology, as “reverse racist”, or “anti-white”. The code-word used is “Third Worldist”. You would think, therefore, that those who demand that liberation of the oppressed be centred in the rhetoric of revolutionaries in the US are either idealists who don’t understand the material conditions of their own country, or foreign leftists who don’t understand that the objective conditions of struggle in the US are so undeveloped as to not be ready for this sort of revolutionary rhetoric.

And indeed, one of the writers who pushed this piece in committee did come from a country with wildly different economic conditions, political history, and culture.


Yes, whatever you want to say about Socialist Alliance, and no Worker’s Spatula writer can pass up the chance to point out that Green Left Weekly, while a fine news source, simply has NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT HEGEL, but from the vantage point (Ollman lol) of Melbourne, it’s frankly startling to see how little the liberation of oppressed peoples means to white leftists in the US. It’s not as if we committed less genocide against the indigenous than the Yanks. If Yanks are under that impression, it’s simply because their settler-colonial society’s population has been bolstered by more immigration than ours.

And while it’s true that in Australia, Aboriginals are a greater portion of the population than the Indigenous nations in the United States, it’s equally true that the Afro-American people, who are subject to similar national oppression, are a much greater percentage of the overall population of the United States than the Aboriginals in Australia. Thus we can see that it is not that the white left are ignoring the oppressed peoples within “their own” borders based on irrelevance, but out of a chauvinism that even other settler-colonial peoples, such as the arch-racist white Australian society, are capable of overcoming on the radical left. This is a clear example of the role subjectivity plays in shaping objectivity. If the white left in the US insists on tailing the Whitegeist, then they will see no objective need to embrace the liberation struggles of the oppressed peoples. If the white left in Australia overcome the Whitegeist, suddenly it becomes completely objectively obvious to them that there is a pressing need to embrace the struggle of the Aboriginals.

In fact, whether or not we had written this screed, things are in motion in the white left, and the Whitegeist itself is developing. Different elements of the white working class in the US will be driven towards fascism whether we intervene or those with a less full analysis intervene with a more vulgar class politics. But to intervene most correctly we hope all interested comrades will grasp the limitations into which they were socialised, struggle to overcome them, and take on the struggle of the oppressed peoples as their own, and by doing so, become themselves a living connection.

Workers and oppressed peoples of the world, unite!

*Although, you know, fuck white people.

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Fast Food Workers Told us the Five Worst Things about their Jobs


Fast food workers have a tough job, and nobody knows it better than us. From low pay to the long hours the low pay imposes, from heartless management to impatient customers, there’s good reason why “flipping burgers” is the go-to descriptor for undesirable minimum wage work. We spoke to workers across Australia whom we contacted through our top secret RaFFWU networks about the things in their line of work which make their lives the hardest, and we collected their answers into a convenient five-item list for the clickbait-hungry public!

5. Rude customers:

“I understand most of our customers are about as hungry, broke, and pressed for time as we are, and I wish they could see that in us, too! Sometimes we make mistakes on an order, and no matter how apologetic I am, there are some customers who want to use me as a verbal punching bag! It’s not right, I’m having a hard day too.

“Also, one time, we called out this woman’s order about eight times, and then moved on to calling out other orders. A few minutes later, she came up to the counter demanding to know where her order was, and when I said we had called it out, she said I should’ve given the number in English, as if anyone was speaking anything but. Then she demanded a refund even though her order was right there, ready to be taken! What satisfaction do people get from this sort of behaviour?”
–”Ayşe”, Hungry Jack’s, Roxburgh Park (Melbourne)

4. Mussolini management:

“My manager is the worst. In addition to the sexual harassment and the fact that he threw my copy of Pedagogy of the Oppressed into a bin because I left it in a public area, he’s a borderline fascist with our time! If we go a couple of minutes over on our break, he starts talking about ‘time theft’, but his nephew who he just hired can come in late and do nothing and we never hear a word.

“Besides, I wonder how ‘efficiently’ he’s using his time when he locks the door to his office and puts on music so we can’t hear what he’s up to? Fucking wanker.”
–Anita, KFC, Melbourne

3. The fucking SDA:

“The SDA are a bloody bosses’ union. They don’t speak for us, and it’s impossible to claim they are even winning reforms for proletarians like ourselves! I’ve been slipping RaFFWU propaganda into all my coworkers bags, and I haven’t been caught yet. We’re taking back our labour union movement, for the labourers!”
–Ali, Subway, Perth

2. The lack of consciousness of their coworkers of their potential as a political class:

“I work at the drive-in, and I can say the absolutely most unbearable thing is in between trying to hear the customers over the faulty speaker system, whenever I consider that even many of my coworkers who complain about their wages or hours or whatever are unaware that by formulating a theory and taking part in a practice which encompasses the totality of social struggle they can constitute a political class, namely the revolutionary proletariat, that can end exploitation and alienation as we know it!”
–Cindy, Red Rooster, Sydney

1. Modern revisionists and their fundamental lack of understanding of Marxist-Leninist categories of class analysis:

“The other day, my coworker Riley got upset because someone compared labour policies in Australia to those in China. His complaint was that China is socialist, and shouldn’t be compared to a capitalist country. I told him I considered China was not only not socialist, but was developing into an imperialist country. He scoffed at that, and when I asked him about the export of Chinese capital, he said ‘Why can’t socialist countries export capital? Do you want them to starve?’

“I couldn’t even tell what he meant by that, but then he said something about how China ‘can’t be imperialist because it hasn’t invaded any other countries’. It’s one thing to be ignorant about the PRC’s invasion of Vietnam, for example, but Lenin never theorised imperialism on the basis of its wars, imperialist wars are a natural outcome of the economic basis!

“How am I supposed to work with such people during the lunch rush?!”
–Karen, McDonalds, Canberra

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Humourless Marxist Reviews: Worker’s Spatula


What follows is a Humourless Marxist Review that was originally to be published on Worker’s Spatula – Marxist-Leninist prior to the faction’s reunification with Worker’s Spatula, in which WS–ML reviewed the page from which they had split in terms of our perceived shortcomings. It has been edited so as to not be in ALL CAPS.

Worker’s Spatula is a pompous rag for pseudo-revolutionaries which attempts to cover up its total lack of meaningful intervention into practical politics with a series of jokes so juvenile that even here in Australia they seem a bit insulting to the level of intellectual discourse we expect.

Even where the writers can excuse this total waste of time of a website by making reference to their own political work outside of it, they’re powerless to deny that the overwhelming majority of their readership practise a masturbatory political apathy fueled by depression-anxiety which Worker’s Spatula enable by providing them content with which to obscure their own objective distance from the proletariat and organised politics as such.

Particularly in the US, where most of their readers are.

The page used to do exclusively satire pieces, which, particularly when Australian writers were involved, were occasionally funny. Now they’re trying to reinvent themselves as some sort of lighthearted “platform”, so they don’t even have to make proper jokes anymore. They just write whatever’s on their bloody minds in between classes!

The worst of all their stupid ideas would have to be their “Humourless Marxist Reviews”, which in addition to not being proper satire, couldn’t even really pretend to refer to politics at all. Contrary to what the name implies, they were just stupid jokes about media they hadn’t always even reviewed. These were also the pieces where the “Marxist” analysis was at its thinnest as well. Hopefully they’ll cut that out now that we’ve called them out for it.

They’ve also gone soft on anarchists and Trots lately, particularly since so few of the writers are still in Turkey, the homeland of Marxism-Leninism.

It’s also extremely repetitive. Oh, another piece about your depression, [REDACTED]? Couldn’t have seen that coming. Oh, you’re going to write about the DSA, better mention how the ROL is in charge of it, particularly the Boston branch, for the thousandth time! Oh, another joke about Trump being a communist who’s trying to delegitimise bourgeois democracy and US imperialism and “accelerate the contradictions”? PICK A NEW FUCKING JOKE, YOU HACKS.

Hey, here’s a joke for you: what’s the US equivalent of RaFFWU, the fighting trade union for fast food workers here in Australia? You’d never know from reading Worker’s Spatula, a site with mostly US readers named after the fact that its founders all worked in fast food at some point in their lives, although clearly not any single one of their writers based in the US at present!

All in all, you can see why we left. The only Marxist publication in the English language which has less potential to meaningfully raise up the general theoretical level of internet Marxists and offer an inventive new way to practically intervene in the organising of the next generation of revolutionaries… is all of them.

Give it up now, you cunts.

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Big Revolutionary Man Doesn’t Need Your “Criticism”


THE INTERNET, RIGHT NOW – Enquiring if “you even know who I am and what sort of work I do???”, and “what do you do, except leave meaningless attacks on everyone not up to your puritanical standards on web forums???” a white cishet man from the oppressor nation background in an imperialist country criticised for his unexamined privilege positively exploded today at how unreasonable some people can be.

Having patronisingly ignored all polite attempts to correct his behaviour, he responded to harsher criticism by policing the tone of his critics and launching into a tirade about how much more of a serious revolutionary he is than “you people”, presumably everyone.

“While you’re all throwing around made-up words like ‘labour aristocracy’ and ‘privilege’ and ‘revisionism’ and other student left terms, I’m doing serious revolutionary work and reading Lenin and Mao,” screamed the important man in all caps. “If I need your liberal pseudo-intellectual bullshit, I’ll go check Tumblr or Libcom or something!”

“Hiding your abusive attitude behind political posturing is wrecking behaviour that destroys the working class unity that people like me are building! Sorry if your egos can’t take the truth, but that’s it!” added the presumably very well-endowed man, oblivious to the irony.

At press time, the man was private messaging admins of the group where the incident took place, demanding to know why his posts were deleted. He was promptly reassured that this was done to spare everyone else the embarrassment of having been so thoroughly eviscerated by such a serious revolutionary as himself.

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How to be Class Conscious


There seems to be a lot of confusion about the identity of the class conscious proletariat these days. Well, workers of the world, never fear: Worker’s Spatula is here.

First of all, let’s dispel some myths about class consciouBeing class conscious is the same thing as being a communist
This myth is extremely common, and makes a certain amount of sense at first glance. After all, how else are we to explain the anti-communist hysteria of right-wing proletarians other than by a lack of proper class consciousness? So you would think this was not a myth at all. But it fucking is. And you are a sectarian for thinking otherwise. Give your self-criticism now.

If being a communist was equivalent to being class conscious, then there would be no such thing as a non-communist proletarian with class consciousness. Becoming a communist is certainly the end stage of the development of class consciousness, but it is perfectly possible to be strongly class conscious without becoming a communist. Anarcho-syndicalists reject the heritage of the paris commune and communism, but nonetheless accept organisation of proletarians as a political class against capital as such. Trotskyites, likewise, are an example of a group of non-communists among whom properly class-conscious individuals may be found

2) Being a class-conscious proletarian is the same as being an organised worker
Every trade union provides some sort of organisation to workers, but most of them are fucking reformist trash inside the labor party which remains a tool of Australian imperialism.The truly class-conscious proletarian is not merely conscious of their own individual interests as a member of a syndicalist dispute for their individual rights, but is conscious of the totality of the proletarian class in all of its contradictions. A truly class-conscious proletarian has an internationalist perspective and does not defend their “own” bourgeoisie against the other proletarians and the oppressed at home and around the world:
3) Being a class-conscious proletarian requires that you own a hard hat and be a man
The unstated myths are the most pernicious ones of all. Every time you meet a so-called “communist”, ask yourself “Does this person’s rhetoric apply only to unionised white Australian workers? Do they favour men’s labour over women’s?” If so, they are probably an agent of the labour aristocracy that controls the forklifts across Australia. Do not trust them, and to be safe, do not trust anyone employed as a forklift operator.

All this aside, suppose you are a worker reading this and you wish to embrace this fancy class-consciousness business all the kids are talking about. Well you’ve come to the right place. Here are the four simple tricks to achieving class consciousness:

1) Show up at union meetings and talk a lot about dialectics
Are you involved in RaFFWU already? You’re not? You idealist pseudo-communist! Get your arse to a meeting, we’re taking on Woolworth’s right now.

Right, now you’re at the meeting. They’re all going on about the the bosses and that, looking like a right proper venue for the old class consciousness. But then some defeatist cunt says some nonsense about what’s achievable under the present conditions. What do you say? The same thing you say every time you open your bloody mouth, you fucking class-conscious hero, you:

We can’t just consider the objective conditions as if they are some static truth handed to us by history! We have to consider ourselves as political subjects whose interventions themselves play a role in reshaping the objective conditions just as the objective conditions have shaped our subjectivities! Fuck the SDA and their neoliberal masters! MARX! ENGELS! LENIN! STALIN!

Now that’s what I call class consciousness! What’s more, you’re subjectively intervening in the context of the RaFFWU which in addition to being an objective social context in which you as a political subject find yourself, is also a political subjectivity within the objective conditions of Australian labour politics. The dialectic is flowing through you like the force through a fucking Jedi, mate.

2) Stop referring to “Australia” when discussing international politics. Instead say “Australian imperialism headed by the white Australian settler-colonial bourgeoisie”.
This one’s easy. Instead of saying:

“Australia and America are bargaining with each other over the refugees of the wars we’ve started.


“Australian imperialism headed by the white Australian settler-colonial bourgeoisie and YanKKKee AmeriKKKan imperialism are bargaining over the lives of the poor and oppressed driven from their homes by their imperialist wars!”

We encourage all readers to modify any Wikipedia article on Australia to reflect this, for example, go to “Foreign relations of Australia” and change:

Australia provides aid to many of its developing Pacific Islands neighbours, and to Papua New Guinea.


Australian imperialism headed by the white Australian settler-colonial bourgeoisie provides “aid” to many of its Pacific Islands colonies, and to Papua New Guinea, which is also a colony.

Or from the article on the Stolenwealth of Australia:

Australian imperialism headed by the white Australian settler-colonial bourgeoisie’s capital is Canberra, and its largest city is Sydney. For about 60,000 years before the first British invasion in the late 18th century, Australian imperialism headed by the white Australian settler-colonial bourgeoisie was inhabited by indigenous Australians,

3) Talk about “the class implications” just all the fucking time
Why would you ever not do this?

4) Embrace the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism, follow the Eightfold Path, and become a Bodhisattva dedicated to the enlightenment and liberation of all sentient beings from Samsāra
Honestly, what could be a higher level of class consciousness than attaining Nirvana, the Buddhist state of consciousness at which you truly internalise the passing nature of all things and that everything is nothingness and nothingness is everything? Can’t very well have private property if you’re going to overcome Samsāra, now can you?

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Humourless Marxist Reviews – Rolling Blackouts C.F. (French Press)


Following the Melbourne outfit’s recent release of a song about the refugee crisis, Worker’s Spatula’s local correspondent was immediately dispatched to be the first person to listen to an entire EP of music by this white Australian hipster band stone cold bloody sober.

Furthermore, the fact that their 2016 release Talk Tight mocks a bourgeois white Australian man who abandons his past life of fighting the bourgeoisie in favour of careerism boded extremely well for the listening session. Could it be that Worker’s Spatula have finally stumbled upon an indie rock band for the post-2008 crisis era, an era of renewed imperialist contradictions and class struggle?

It is true that like every rock recording carried out in the greater Melbourne metropolitan area, the basic message of French Press is that life under capitalism-imperialism is inherently alienating. But do the Rolling Blackouts C.F. embrace the historical Gramscian mission that Australian society necessitates? Are Rolling Blackouts C.F. organic intellectuals of proletarian counter-hegemony, selflessly playing rock and roll music in a vanguard quest to propagate our ruthlessly critical ideology of revolution and liberation?


As their management wrote back to us when we posed that exact question by e-mail: “Thanks so much for your interest, we’ll get back to you as soon as possible!”

Few words could better express the Marxist ideological motif which runs consistently through the entirety of the French Press EP. The lyrics reflect the crystalised proletarian consciousness of the vanguard of the white Australian working class, not only in the characters’ own proletarian ‘cultural’ character and knowledge of their place relative to the bourgeoisie and the profit motive, but in the ultimate revolutionary break necessary with labour aristocratic syndicalism and reformism reflected in the final track, “Fountain of Good Fortune”, in which a scathing mockery of oppressor imperialist nationalist mentality common not only to the capitalist class, but in the band’s own words, the whole “selfish country”.

Yes, “Fountain of Good Fortune” is a song reflecting the heightened consciousness of a proletariat so revolutionary it even grasps the limitations of its own class consciousness divorced from the totality of contradictions of class society. Only by opposing all privileges which have been normalised by socialisation into class society can the proletariat truly be united into a revolutionary fighting force. Only by demanding liberation for the oppressed Aboriginal people, for the West Papuans and their toiling sisters and brothers suffering under the yoke of the Australian-backed O’Neill government, for the refugees forced to Australia’s cursed shores by Australian-funded wars, only then will the necessary alignment of forces exist such that the final struggle between bourgeoisie and proletariat be decided in the settler-colonial white Australian nation itself. Any empty syndicalism which fails to recognise this will, despite pretensions to Marxism, be little more than petty, short-sighted trade union consciousness whose central demand will be the ‘rightful’ share of the privileges, the good fortune, denied to the others!

However, we must also be critical of this EP’s shortcomings. If we really believe, and if Rolling Blackouts C.F. really believe, that unity in struggle of the revolutionary proletariat is hampered by the selfish, blind, and shortsighted arrogance of white Australia, then we must point out that this is no less true of the struggle of women and feminists, and yet the gender politics on display on the French Press EP are at best the bland tropes one has come to expect from white boy rock of this sort.

In conclusion, we ask that Rolling Blackouts C.F. will give a fitting self-criticism for the filler songs about predictable gender roles in cishet relationships, and release some songs about the sort of gender politics Worker’s Spatula approve of, such as queer liberation, sex negativity, or matriarchal harems in which men’s bodies [plural] are owned and controlled by a woman [singular].

Jingle jangle, I’m a guitar, mate.


Best songs: “French Press”, “Fountain of Good Fortune”

Worst song: “Piano Man” by Billy Joel

We’ve Got to Restart the Arab Spring

Comrades, like all of you, I am troubled by the ongoing wars and repression in the Middle East, the rising fascist tide in western imperialist countries, and the general atmosphere brought on by the crisis more broadly.

Like all of you, I long to see the broad masses bring down this corrupt order, but feel powerless to bring this necessary change about. I think all of us lately have been kept up late at night wondering how we can strengthen the democratic and socialist forces and stop the bloodshed in Syria.

Part of the problem doubtless lies with the fact that the popular Syrian opposition to this horrific war and most of the actors in it is unable to express itself over the sound of guns and bombs. Few would deny this terrible truth.

All of us long for a time when Arabs in particular were flooding the streets from Morocco to Bahrain against the various dictators who oppress them, backed by the forces of imperialism. But we cannot travel through time. How can we recreate the necessary conditions for this wave of mass dissent?

I too had no idea of the answer until last night, comrades, when it came to me in a dream. I bolted awake in bed at 3 am and have been up since then, retweeting every single tweet about the Arab Spring.


It’s as brilliant as it is simple: these peaceful protests were the direct result of social media activism and sustained themselves entirely through this medium. In fact, considering that most people on the internet are not Arabs, it stands to reason that the Arab Spring was primarily the result of non-Arabs who dominate Twitter becoming aware of the possibility of democracy in Arab countries in late 2010 and responding by tweeting and retweeting things.

You look skeptical, and at first glance, the numbers would imply that there are more Arabs than non-Arabs. The population of Egypt, the most populous Arab state, is almost 100,000,000, about 4 times as much as Australia. But Egypt, unlike Australia, is full, and Egyptians are fucking off at an alarming rate, many of them to Australia, where we must welcome them with open arms, as our tweets don’t seem to work on our own population.

What’s more, Australia is not even the most populous English-speaking country, and there may be as many as four other languages other than Arabic or English, I couldn’t say with all certainty, thanks to my knowledge of human social variation coming to me entirely through the Australian educational system.

Even if I am wrong and we non-Arabs were not single-handedly responsible for the Arab Spring, we can certainly do our part to bring it back, right?

What’s that you say? You’ve already retweeted every single Arab Spring related tweet, and are thus unable to contribute to this noble project? That’s the talk of the enemy coming out of your mouth, comrade! I myself had made sure to go through all tweets from 2010 on which were in the Arabic language or which contained the name of any Arab country or which contained the letter “Q” followed by anything but the letter “U” regardless of context or language. You’d think there was nothing more I could do, eh?

Wrong. I’ve been going back through my retweets, one at a time, unretweeting and reretweeting them, and if that doesn’t work, I’ll reunretweet them and rereretweet them and then reunretweet them again, or rereunretweet them, before rereretweeting them, all to bring the Arab masses to the street!

If that doesn’t work, there’s nothing more that I can do. That is the most political organising possible for any human individual.

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January ‘Too Bleak’ for Internet Communists to Make Jokes


ANTARCTICA – Following a fortnight-long writing retreat to the Pole of Inaccessibility, Worker’s Spatula staff have conceded that January of 2018 is simply “too bleak” a month for the writing of internet satire for communists.

“Honestly if we had wanted to have Lenin looking down and judging us in sub-zero temperatures while we got nothing of any value done, there are plenty of places in the Northern Hemisphere we could’ve gone,” opined the Yank in between drags on his cigarette.

“It wouldn’t have mattered anyway,” replied one of the English. “We tried to write about the things people in those places were upset about, and we got nothing. The crisis is deepening, the war is claiming the lives of more innocent young poor people, Malcolm Turnbull remains an intolerable Kantian cunt, nobody has recorded a truly great album in over ten years, and we have writer’s block.”

The reality TV-style video diaries revealed more introspective takes on the inactivity of the world’s greatest anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninist satire page:

“Life is pain, and we will all die. All humour basically emerges from these facts. But lately, every time the ghost of a smile creeps across my face, news from Turkey intervenes,” explained the Hamburger contingent. “Literally we have lost friends to prison and to the Reaper. Presently a town is being bombed unprovoked by the same fascist regime that took our friends from us. You have to laugh to keep from crying, but you’re only so strong, you know?”

This theme was expanded upon by one of the Turkish comrades: “When the day of liberation comes, and Erdoğan is put on trial, one of the crimes I want him charged with will be the continuous crushing of any glimmer of joy in my life, personally.

“Still: umut dimdik ayakta.”

The Australian had this to share: “I had a joke! I had a joke but they wouldn’t listen to me! I wanted to write about Invasion Day, which brought out a lot of people this year! I wanted to do something about Tsipras travelling to Australia in the hope of seizing power on the back of the Invasion Day protests. Pauline Hanson was going to say something about the wogs colluding with the Aboriginals against White Australia, and Syriza and the Liberal Party form a coalition. It was all going to culminate in a plug for the Green Left Weekly crowd.”

“Yeah, I remember her joke,” explained our Balkan correspondent upon being reminded of the Australia-Greece crossover joke. “Too soon, comrade. Too soon…”

“…not too soon to mock Syriza, mind you. They deserve it. But we’ve been burned by too many white Anglo leftist trends recently. Socialist Alliance is going to have to split like three times over arcane theoretical-historical points before we’re ready to trust them even as much as we trust the Maoists. Marxism isn’t about having good positions you know! It’s about being really angry about Hegel.”

“Too angry to write jokes about Hegel, at least this month,” concluded our Balkan hero before returning to taping notebook pages together to continue drawing the longest upward spiral possible, moving towards the Antarctic horizon…

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