PERTH – Following Margaret Court’s widely publicised action, official representatives from the Victory Life Centre have issued an official statement calling for a boycott of Qantas by all Australians who have not lost their “moral compass”, owing to the firm’s controversial instalment of “Gay Orgy” sections in all aeroplanes used for international flights.
“We had looked the other way when Qantas announced they would be following European practice and equipping all international flights with a dedicated section for orgies. Obviously we wouldn’t recommend churchgoers take part in the orgies, but technically going through that section on the way to the toilet is no different from walking down a Perth beach on any given Saturday night.
“But when Margaret Court alerted us that dedicated sections had also been installed, we had to intervene. We can’t let Australia descend deeper into the Sodomite mire than it already has.
“Honestly we should’ve cut this all off when men started attended Kylie Minogue concerts,” the church spokesman said, taking a hearty swig from his bottled water.
Pauline Hanson’s favourite “Muslim” made sure to take this opportunity to insert himself into the news: “I just want everyone to know that I acknowledge the role of radical Islam in imposing homosexual depravity on decent, Christian Australians,” said Imam Tawhidi.
Qantas responded to our request for an interview with a corporate representative. That interview is reproduced in full below:
WS: G’day. How’re you doing?
QANTAS: All right. Yourself?
WS: All right. Would you say that Qantas was motivated by a general trend of openly queer bourgeois individuals and a desire to draw such class elements into the mainstream of the capitalist ideological apparatus so as to provide a pro-system outlet for queer youth in Australia who might be getting into radical ideas? Or did someone on the board, or one of their cousins, get hitched recently?
QANTAS: What an incredibly cynical question. No, no, no. Our considerations were neither personal nor financial. It’s just simply the right thing to do.
WS: So we should ignore your CEO, Alan Joyce’s comments, then? Qantas has now adopted a general pro-human rights stance, then?
QANTAS: No, you misunderstand. It’s the right thing to do from the perspective of our role as a front for the Queer International in Australia. This is us crossing the Rubicon.
WS: How do you mean?
QANTAS: Isn’t it obvious? There’s no space in passenger aircraft for multiple orgy sections and non-orgy seating. The entire plane is going to be one massive genderqueer orgy.
QANTAS: Indeed. And don’t think we’ll stop because some washed-up tennis star doesn’t like it. We’re going to turn our entire fleet, domestic flights too, into queer fuckfests.
WS: Wouldn’t this simply drive large sections of Australia to seek out alternatives from your competitors?
QANTAS: They can seek all they like, but you know better than most interviewers I’ve been sat down with this week that capitalism trends towards monopoly. We’re buying them all up, trains, planes, and buses. We plan to make it impossible to travel around Australia without witnessing or taking part in a massive queer orgy by the end of 2018.
WS: Ambitious stuff. What would you say to those who claim that this is simply fetishism of a particular site of social marginalisation that, if it achieved status as dominant social practice, would simply be normalised within the structures of exploitation and oppression that we already experience?
QR: Likely, possible… But it’s certainly funny to watch Margaret Court squirm in the meanwhile, isn’t it?
WS: Fair point. Well, that’s all for my questions. Any closing statement?
QR: Crush the heteropatriarchy. Fly Qantas.
Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!