January ‘Too Bleak’ for Internet Communists to Make Jokes


ANTARCTICA – Following a fortnight-long writing retreat to the Pole of Inaccessibility, Worker’s Spatula staff have conceded that January of 2018 is simply “too bleak” a month for the writing of internet satire for communists.

“Honestly if we had wanted to have Lenin looking down and judging us in sub-zero temperatures while we got nothing of any value done, there are plenty of places in the Northern Hemisphere we could’ve gone,” opined the Yank in between drags on his cigarette.

“It wouldn’t have mattered anyway,” replied one of the English. “We tried to write about the things people in those places were upset about, and we got nothing. The crisis is deepening, the war is claiming the lives of more innocent young poor people, Malcolm Turnbull remains an intolerable Kantian cunt, nobody has recorded a truly great album in over ten years, and we have writer’s block.”

The reality TV-style video diaries revealed more introspective takes on the inactivity of the world’s greatest anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninist satire page:

“Life is pain, and we will all die. All humour basically emerges from these facts. But lately, every time the ghost of a smile creeps across my face, news from Turkey intervenes,” explained the Hamburger contingent. “Literally we have lost friends to prison and to the Reaper. Presently a town is being bombed unprovoked by the same fascist regime that took our friends from us. You have to laugh to keep from crying, but you’re only so strong, you know?”

This theme was expanded upon by one of the Turkish comrades: “When the day of liberation comes, and Erdoğan is put on trial, one of the crimes I want him charged with will be the continuous crushing of any glimmer of joy in my life, personally.

“Still: umut dimdik ayakta.”

The Australian had this to share: “I had a joke! I had a joke but they wouldn’t listen to me! I wanted to write about Invasion Day, which brought out a lot of people this year! I wanted to do something about Tsipras travelling to Australia in the hope of seizing power on the back of the Invasion Day protests. Pauline Hanson was going to say something about the wogs colluding with the Aboriginals against White Australia, and Syriza and the Liberal Party form a coalition. It was all going to culminate in a plug for the Green Left Weekly crowd.”

“Yeah, I remember her joke,” explained our Balkan correspondent upon being reminded of the Australia-Greece crossover joke. “Too soon, comrade. Too soon…”

“…not too soon to mock Syriza, mind you. They deserve it. But we’ve been burned by too many white Anglo leftist trends recently. Socialist Alliance is going to have to split like three times over arcane theoretical-historical points before we’re ready to trust them even as much as we trust the Maoists. Marxism isn’t about having good positions you know! It’s about being really angry about Hegel.”

“Too angry to write jokes about Hegel, at least this month,” concluded our Balkan hero before returning to taping notebook pages together to continue drawing the longest upward spiral possible, moving towards the Antarctic horizon…

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Worker’s Spatula New Year’s Message and Self-Criticism


“Do you think anyone still reads these?”

“Nobody still reads Marx or Lenin anymore either, don’t be so opportunist as to concern yourself with whether or not anyone will read something before writing it.”

“Shut up, someone read the statement.”

“I think it’s my turn, here we go:

Good evening Sydney, and a glorious 2018 to all of our comrades across the world! We, the Central Committee of Worker’s Spatula, the worst nightmare of the Left Communists, the scourge of the modern revisionists, the drinking buddies of the more tolerable Trotskyists, are speaking to you live from the Sydney Opera House, which was built by workers who, during construction, were visited and serenaded by Paul Robeson himself:


Paul Robeson, in addition to being a great class conscious struggler for peace and justice in a world of war and injustice, was an Afro-American, a member of an oppressed nation in the imperialist United States.

The Australian workers, for their part, were principally the descendants of settler-colonist labourers in the British colony of Australia, whose indigenous were the victims of genocide and oppression and who, like the Afro-American people or the indigenous in the United States, still yearn for liberation to this day. Travelling thousands of kilometres, Robeson met with them to seek unity of workers and oppressed peoples.

From the north to the south of the world, universal trends of capitalism-imperialism can be seen again and again in different particularities. Robeson is a symbol of the most universal spirit of our movement, and we salute his journey to sing for the workers here, as we begin our own quest in 2018 across the Global South:

In 2018, Worker’s Spatula will be consciously focusing on the Southern Hemisphere of the planet as much as possible to the exclusion of the Northern Hemisphere. We had initially intended to come up with some theoretical justification for the strength of this shift, something about how most imperialist countries are in the Northern Hemisphere, but if we’re really honest with ourselves, it’s because we’re just sick to death of having to do our Ramadan fasting during summer.

Naturally, we hope to incorporate our long-standing support for the Aboriginal Australians into our satire; and southern Africa should receive due focus, a region which has come more into the world’s attention following the coup in Zimbabwe; perhaps most importantly, we intend to publish more on South America, for which we expect due thanks from our comrades in the PC(AP).

Finally, dear comrade-readers, we must speak about our self-criticism. In fact, we have made many mistakes, which we always seek to rectify, but chief among them, most grievous of all, is that we have paid altogether too little attention to the sinister heart of the capitalist-imperialist world system. Driven by our need to provide engaging, critical, and diverse coverage around the world, we have neglected the need to direct the harshest and most violent polemics against the head of global imperialism:

We speak of course of Liechtenstein. Truly no more reactionary entity than Liechtenstein exists, and no crime of international imperialism can be named whose blood cannot be found dripping from the cold, filthy, pasty-white, chapped fingertips of the scoundrel and puppy-kicker Prince Hans-Adam II!

No more, comrades! No more! 2018 will not be another year in which Worker’s Spatula, the vanguard of the vanguard of the vanguard of the world revolution, allow Liechtenstein’s countless crimes to go unnoticed! We will provide constant exposure of this parasitic, inhuman pseudo-country’s repulsive and reactionary policies so as to aid the heroic strugglers around the world, particularly those guerrillas in Switzerland, Austria, and in Liechtenstein itself already engaged in direct action aimed at nullifying the existence of Liechtenstein!

Yes comrades, 2018 will be the year when, should the dialectic will it, LIECHTENSTEIN WILL BE WIPED OFF THE MAP, thus weakening global capitalism-imperialism by depriving it of its ‘head’! This is our historic mission, and we call on all our comrades and friends across the world to aid us in this fight!


Workers and oppressed peoples of the world – unite!

“…so what do you usually do with the rest of your evening?”

“Oh I was thinking we could get extremely drunk, and throw a fairly large quantity of shrimp on the barbie, one by one.”

“Isn’t there anything else to do here in Sydney, Australia?”

“No, I’m afraid that’s literally all there is to do here in Australia, the country where all we ever do is drink VB and throw prawns on a hot grill.”

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Ultraleftist to Abolish Time


MELBOURNE – Victoria University philosophy student and Auckland transplant Norm Thompson continues his quest to develop revolutionary science to still greater heights:

“As we all know,” began Thompson, speaking to the “Marxism-Leninism-Maoism Reading Group” at VU, “the one problem with the heroic Khmer Rouge, which abolished money, is that the money itself is not the source of exploitation and surplus value. Class goes deeper than that.”

The assembled Aussie reds all nodded in solemn agreement.

“Money is just a particular manifestation of the universal problem of class society: that those who have exploit those who have not. The rich lead lives which they determine for themselves, while stealing the lives of the poor masses, hour by hour.

“The solution, comrades, is obvious: we must abolish time itself.”

The ensuing eruption of violence claimed the lives of several Maoist university students. Thompson and his supporters within the reading group fled into the hallway, firing backwards at the RIM faithful who defended themselves with a hail of gunfire of their own: “ULTRALEFTS OUT! THE RED SUN OF MARXISM-LENINISM-MAOISM WILL NEVER SET!” screamed Fatima Yusufi as she blasted at the fleeing Pol Potists from behind the table she had knocked over.

Under a tree outside, Thompson continued lecturing to his two supporters, who kept one eye on the door behind them, hands on their weapons, in case the Maoists pursued them to continue armed polemics: “Of course, we cannot abolish time without abolishing the conditions which allow time to continue to exist and be divided unevenly between the bourgeoisie and the proletariat.”

“And what, Chairman Norm, are those conditions?” enquired one of Thompson’s supporters, as he reloaded his weapon from behind the tree while the other kept his weapon trained on the front door.

“I subscribe to the ‘growing block universe’ theory of time. The process of becoming that spacetime undergoes is itself the dialectic of history. In my view, this is why the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement is bourgeois: it understands a need to abolish that which actually exists by destroying humanity. But class struggle will continue on other planets, despite what the Posadists claim.

The only way to properly reach the end of history is to actually end history and time altogether. The conditions by which time and therefore exploitation is allowed to exist is the objective material existence of the universe. Destroy the universe, destroy time, end exploitation, full nihilist communism.”

The next morning, startled students awoke to find the walls of Victoria Place absolutely covered in graffiti demanding the immediate end of time.

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Point/Counterpoint: Trotskyism


Point: You’re a Trot!

by Communist Party of Australia Representative

Dear fucking God. I thought I had seen some Trots in my day, but this is a bridge too far: how dare you disagree with me, you fucking Trot! Only a Trot would question China’s socialism, only a Trot would imply something was wrong with the Soviet Union, and only a Trot would tell me to ‘read my Marx’! I know a Trot when I see one, you bastard, and you’re a fucking Trot!

We’ve had it up to here with Trots in Australia, and I can’t believe I’m wasting some of my precious time here in Germany, the land of Bertolt Brecht, heroic killer of Trots, talking to a Turkish Trot like you!

Off about your Trot business, you Trot!

Counterpoint: No, you’re a Trot!

by Maoist Communist Party (Turkey/North Kurdistan) Representative

You fucking Australian labour aristocrat pseudo-revolutionary! Clearly it’s YOU who is the Trot here. You are a representative of the modern revisionist Trotskyite Menshevik neo-opportunist front that must be brought down.

You aren’t struggling against fascism, you aren’t fighting in Dêsım, and Trotsky didn’t do either of those things either. Case closed, now do you have a cigarette by any chance?

Counter-counterpoint: Comrades, don’t you see who the real Trots are?

by Stefan Engel

Comrades, we all have our differences, and we should, nein, must struggle through them to reach a higher level of truth and unity. But for too long have we argued about who are the real Trots in our midst. We too have wasted precious hours attacking the DKP, but the real question is this: if Trotsky were alive today, which party would he support?

In their pseudo-radical posturing, in their empty anti-austerity politics that fail to confront the imperialist state which imposes the austerity, we all know who the real Trots are: Die Linke. Die Linke are the only Trots in our midst today.

So make haste comrades, tomorrow is for the debate, today is for the ice axes! Ice axes for Die Linke!

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Anarchist Disappointed Sun Tzu’s “Art of War” Not as Metal as Expected

“It’s just some dumb book full of stupid words.”


MELBOURNE – The Melbourne chapter of the Spatula Reading Group has recently gained a new member in local anarchist Kirk Jones from the Melbourne suburb or Northcote. Catching up on the reading has been tricky for the initially enthusiastic newcomer, who was suprised by the disproportionate emphasis on Chinese classics.

“Mengzi? The Tao Te Ching? Are these even words?” asked the incredulous anarchist to the reading group leader, who stared back blankly at him before returning to alphabetising the German idealism.

However, the brave anarchist has been soldiering on, attempting to discern the point of the pile of texts about contradictions and development which are the bread and butter of our satire page. Patience, however, has been wearing thin.

“The Art of War was one I was really looking forward to. I was hoping that would be the break from all this boring bullshit about ethics and spirit and whatever. It’s supposed to be a Chinese bloke going on about war, but it’s probably the most boring one of all!

“Fuck!” he added.

“First of all, it’s clearly written by some sort of cop, I mean, ‘you can be sure of succeeding in your attacks if you only attack places which are undefended’? Where’s the fun in that?

“Secondly, with a name like ‘Art of War’, you’d think it’d be really fucking metal. But it’s not actually, it’s just some dumb book full of stupid words. When I heard all the Vietnamese guerrillas read it during the war, I figured it was some sort of Maoist verison of ‘the Anarchist Cookbook’, but it turns out to be some Taoist version of ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’.

“A complete waste of time,” he concluded.

At time of press, Jones was critiquing the ‘art’ component of the title, given that the Chinese classic failed to include even one ‘gruesome picture of some guy getting his head chopped off’.

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Qantas Under Fire for “Gay Orgy” Plane Sections on all International Flights


PERTH – Following Margaret Court’s widely publicised action, official representatives from the Victory Life Centre have issued an official statement calling for a boycott of Qantas by all Australians who have not lost their “moral compass”, owing to the firm’s controversial instalment of “Gay Orgy” sections in all aeroplanes used for international flights.

“We had looked the other way when Qantas announced they would be following European practice and equipping all international flights with a dedicated section for orgies. Obviously we wouldn’t recommend churchgoers take part in the orgies, but technically going through that section on the way to the toilet is no different from walking down a Perth beach on any given Saturday night.

“But when Margaret Court alerted us that dedicated sections had also been installed, we had to intervene. We can’t let Australia descend deeper into the Sodomite mire than it already has.

“Honestly we should’ve cut this all off when men started attended Kylie Minogue concerts,” the church spokesman said, taking a hearty swig from his bottled water.

Pauline Hanson’s favourite “Muslim” made sure to take this opportunity to insert himself into the news: “I just want everyone to know that I acknowledge the role of radical Islam in imposing homosexual depravity on decent, Christian Australians,” said Imam Tawhidi.

Qantas responded to our request for an interview with a corporate representative. That interview is reproduced in full below:

WS: G’day. How’re you doing?

QANTAS: All right. Yourself?

WS: All right. Would you say that Qantas was motivated by a general trend of openly queer bourgeois individuals and a desire to draw such class elements into the mainstream of the capitalist ideological apparatus so as to provide a pro-system outlet for queer youth in Australia who might be getting into radical ideas? Or did someone on the board, or one of their cousins, get hitched recently?

QANTAS: What an incredibly cynical question. No, no, no. Our considerations were neither personal nor financial. It’s just simply the right thing to do.

WS: So we should ignore your CEO, Alan Joyce’s comments, then? Qantas has now adopted a general pro-human rights stance, then?

QANTAS: No, you misunderstand. It’s the right thing to do from the perspective of our role as a front for the Queer International in Australia. This is us crossing the Rubicon.

WS: How do you mean?

QANTAS: Isn’t it obvious? There’s no space in passenger aircraft for multiple orgy sections and non-orgy seating. The entire plane is going to be one massive genderqueer orgy.

WS: Crikey.

QANTAS: Indeed. And don’t think we’ll stop because some washed-up tennis star doesn’t like it. We’re going to turn our entire fleet, domestic flights too, into queer fuckfests.

WS: Wouldn’t this simply drive large sections of Australia to seek out alternatives from your competitors?

QANTAS: They can seek all they like, but you know better than most interviewers I’ve been sat down with this week that capitalism trends towards monopoly. We’re buying them all up, trains, planes, and buses. We plan to make it impossible to travel around Australia without witnessing or taking part in a massive queer orgy by the end of 2018.

WS: Ambitious stuff. What would you say to those who claim that this is simply fetishism of a particular site of social marginalisation that, if it achieved status as dominant social practice, would simply be normalised within the structures of exploitation and oppression that we already experience?

QR: Likely, possible… But it’s certainly funny to watch Margaret Court squirm in the meanwhile, isn’t it?

WS: Fair point. Well, that’s all for my questions. Any closing statement?

QR: Crush the heteropatriarchy. Fly Qantas.

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Aboriginals Raise Language Standards for Immigrants to Australia


DARWIN – Controversy surrounds the latest decision to raise linguistic standards for immigrants to Australia to ensure they can pass a strict language proficiency test imposed by the federal authorities in Darwin today.

“It doesn’t seem that odd to me,” said government spokeswoman Alinga Barton, “If people want to come halfway across the world to live in Australia, the least they could do is adapt to some token extent to our culture and way of life.

“If they can’t even speak the basics of a single Pama–Nyungan language, I don’t understand how we’re expected to live with them.”

Aboriginal Australia was broadly united in their support for this new policy, with over 78% of Aboriginal Australians citing fears that if immigration is left unchecked at current rates, their descendants may lose all trace of Australian culture and speak some totally foreign language, brought by greedy immigrants with no respect for their heritage.

Immigrant rights groups have objected to the policy as racist and paranoid. We spoke with “White Australia” spokesman Sean Jeffries:

I like to think of myself as an immigrant success story. I came here when I was 12 years old and still managed to learn Warlpiri fluently, marry myself a Warlpiri wife, everything. I’m practically a real Australian now. But not everyone is so lucky. Many are excluded from mainstream Australian life because they can only speak English or Croatian, and it’s completely unfair.

If you’d just give white people a chance, you’ll see that we can learn your language and way of life. It just takes time. So long as Australian society is built around an Aboriginal core, with business and education being conducted entirely in Aboriginal languages, there’s no reason to fear immigrants and our languages.

Not all immigrant groups are so hostile to the policy however. On the contrary, Pauline Han, a Salar Muslim immigrant from China, was sharply critical of the “White Australia” group and what she characterised as its “presumptious attitude of entitlement towards Australian society”:

Australia doesn’t owe you a home, Australia doesn’t owe you a job, Australia has thousands of its own to look after. I can’t stand all these white people, showing up uninvited, parasitically using up all Australia’s resources, and then demanding everyone speak English for them on top of it all!

Even the fact that I have learnt fluent Wik Mungkan doesn’t afford me any right to be here. I’m a guest in Australia, and I know it. So when the real Australians just ask that we do this one simple thing, I don’t complain, I thank them.


Worker’s Spatula Interview Malcolm Turnbull about Trump, Kant


CANBERRA – In a time of apparently shifting imperialist alliances on an international scale, with Trump reversing the Democratic Party’s policy of ramping up tensions with Russia, instead apparently taking aim at Beijing, Australia has been apparently caught in the crossfire. Worker’s Spatula’s chief correspondent in Melbourne went to Canberra to sit down with Malcolm Turnbull, the least pleasant man in Australia, to find out what makes this clockwork man tick:

WS: G’day, how’s it going?

MT: G’day yourself, all right?

WS: All right. You recently found yourself in a bit of a row with Donald Trump. Speaking for many observers, we never would’ve predicted Australia under Turnbull would be one of the more forthright rival imperialist powers in the era of Trump. How would you characterise the gap between yourself and the Donald?

MT: Donald Trump, as everyone knows, is a Hegelian. Obviously I mean this in both the philosophical and the political sense: In every conversation, he is known to bring up the question of stages of internal development which in his mind justify the callous abandoment of duty. It is the basest hypocrisy that Trump at once derives power from the institutional order and at the same time casts us all into collective chaos.

WS: So you would identify with a purer Kantian tradition?

MT: Naturally.

WS: Let’s talk about the specific disagreement which led us to this impasse. You claim that Trump is reneging on his duty to resettle refugees from Australia. Why not just resettle them here?

MT: Please be serious. There’s a categorical imperative which shows why this is impossible. Imagine in your mind one of these boats full of refugees. They think they can just come to Australia, and there may only be three of them in the boat, but what if everyone thought like them? We’d have billions of the buggers, and we’d all end up starving to death.

WS: Right but…

MT: Do you want us all to starve to death?

WS: Sure, but doesn’t the same apply to the US? Should all refugees go to the US?

MT: No, not all. This is exactly the point. We had an agreement whereby we would resettle some of their refugees and they would resettle some of ours. By definition, their choice cannot be considered to be deontologically wrong, since it is neither a choice, nor one that other refugees could try to make into a universal law.

Additionally, the refugees they were to send us in exchange were pious Roman Catholics from Latin America, who would fit in well in my Australia.

WS: Beg pardon? As opposed to…?

MT: Not as opposed to anyone in particular. It’s just that…

WS: You know, despite your attempts at grandstanding as some ethically superior force to Trump, there are those who would accuse you of sharing a common anti-Muslim bigotry.

MT: Such slander is hardly becoming of a respectable publication such as Worker’s Spatula.

WS: With all due respect, this isn’t idle gossip. There have been a couple occasions where you’ve effectively defended racist statements in the public discourse. Of particular note, I recall you lauding Peter Dutton specifically after he went on his little tirade against the Lebanese.

MT: *laughing* Don’t worry about what you read or hear in the press, which is only a flawed representation of the thing-in-itself through the human senses. I assure you that here in Australia we have an a priori understanding of what it means to be racist that doesn’t allow for me to be perceived as such.

WS: I see. Any closing statement?

MT: Vote Liberal, the noumenon of Australian politics.

UPDATE: Following publication of this interview, Pauline Hanson of the modestly named “Pauline Hanson’s One Nation” party has announced that she intends to defeat “Muhammad Turnb-Ali” in the 2019 federal election by running on a platform of combatting radical Islamic terrorism and popularising the writing and thought of Arthur Schopenhauer.


Pauline Hanson after the Zoroastrians Now


MELBOURNE – Following widely publicised failure to win over Melbourne’s generally liberal Jewish community to her fascistic rhetoric, Pauline Hanson and her unpretentiously named Pauline Hanson’s One Nation party are seeking out other non-Christian groups to jump on her bandwagon of anti-Muslim hatemongering.

“I thought for sure the Jews hated the Muslims even more than I do, but they’re not biting,” explained Hanson. “Good for nothing, frankly. We may have to deport them as well.”

“Anyway, I found a minority group that literally fled Sharia law to come here: the Iranians.

“I know, I know, that would sound like they’re Muslim refugees, which isn’t exactly our thing. But get this: There are non-Muslims in Iran. We’re going after the Zoroastrians.”

Hanson took our correspondent with her on her next campaign stop, a prayer meeting of Zoroastrians in a small house in Caulfield. We were escorted inside by a young man who explained to us that the fire ritual before us was a blessing for the home.

“Look at the fire, yeah? Just like a barbie. They’re real Australians, not like the Muzlims and Abos.”

“Muslims don’t like barbies?” enquired our correspondent.

“Nah, they hate ’em. Mostly curry and dim sum, that’s what they like,” explained Hanson absently, transfixed on the flickering flames before her.

Our correspondent, unsatisfied with Hanson’s criteria for accepting the Zoroastrians into Australia’s warm embrace, pressed on: “But aren’t they covering their faces? Isn’t that what you call…”

“It’s not a burqa!” snapped Hanson, suddenly turning her full attention back to our correspondent, who found herself backed up against the wall by a livid Hanson: “They’re not covering women’s faces, but men’s! In fact, I reckon they’re just doing it to upset the Muzlims.”

“I’m not sure that’s how this, or the world, works…” responded our correspondent, sceptically.

“Look,” said Hanson, pulling our correspondent by the arm into a side room, “I’ve had it up to here with all of you reporters, with your facts. Don’t you think I don’t know they’re all wogs? But so what, the country’s already mostly Asian, because you didn’t listen to me last time. The least I can do is get some of these Asians on my side before there’s a headscarf on you, young lady.”

Convinced by Hanson’s passionate convictions and consistent talking points, our correspondent sent a communique back to headquarters urging the editorial staff to endorse Pauline Hanson as the choice for Zoroastrians and all other non-Muslim Asian minorities in Australia afraid of wearing the headscarf.

The Central Committee responded with an e-mail containing only a link to this video:

At time of press, Hanson was on television addressing a hall full of non-Muslim Iranians: “My dear Zoroastrians,” she began.

A hand went up from the back of the hall: “Bahá’i.”

“Bye-bye to you, I’m just getting started…”


Labour Aristocracy Understood through Fucking Forklift Operator


MELBOURNE – Worker’s Spatula, being opposed to any sort of dogmatism and continuously staying aware of our limits in providing ready-made answers, have always maintained a healthy and dialectical relationship with the working class and contemporary trends in their consciousness. A burning question of the last century or so of communist organising has always been – what are the exact issues which the toiling masses are willing to rally around?

In that spirit, our intrepid Australian correspondent sharpened her boomerang and went to search for answers in the very heart of the class struggle – a warehouse in Carlton, Melbourne. After silently observing a group of workers walking out for a lunch break from a nearby bush, she adjusted her cork hat and approached them with one question in mind – what is that most grinds their proletarian gears? Could it be the behaviour of the warehouse boss? Their pathetic wages? The disgusting sandwiches served at the canteen?

“No. It’s that bastard in the forklift,” quipped Dave Surname, a particularly burly worker who nodded towards a self-satisfied man wheeling about in the aforementioned vehicle. “Bruce, he’s called. Bruce Franić. They put that bludger in the forklift right at day one ’cause he claimed he came in eleventh at last year’s Shitbox Rally. And I’ve been eyeing that forklift for months. Look at me hands!”

The Spatula’s correspondent recoiled in horror.

“This is the dreaded box rash, missie,” Dave continued. “Get on the forklift and you’re free of the rash, full stop. That figjam has never experienced it, and probably never will, and he keeps rolling around us on that piece of shit, as if he’s just in it to spite us. I’d fucking bash him, if only the manager wasn’t around.”

Clara Paulson, the floor manager, was found standing near the warehouse entrance, doing whatever it is floor managers do with their clipboards: “Bruce? He’s not very popular with his co-workers, but I don’t mind him – he’s an alright worker. He fills his daily quota and does what he’s paid to do. Yeah, any idiot can drive a forklift around, but I guess somebody’s got to do that too. I don’t understand all the rage – just a couple of days back somebody wrote ‘OSSM: RAYMOND BERBLING LIVES ON IN OUR STRUGGLE’ on the forklift, with something that looked like platypus dung. What in the hell is an OSSM?”

Our correspondent returned to the group, who were by now finishing their lunch break and heading back to work.

“You do realise that what you are experiencing fits perfectly with the Marxist-Leninist theory of the labour aristocracy?” she asked enthusiastically.

“And what would that be?” enquired Noah Talbot, another strapping proletarian.

“Well, there exists a privileged upper layer of the working class which receives a higher wage and better working and living conditions. Like Bruce, who gets to drive that awesome forklift that you lot all envy. Well, that higher wage of his – and that forklift – come from superprofits extracted through imperialism, which basically means that he’ll lose that forklift if the government stops oppressing the Aboriginal peoples. So his parasitic forklift-driving existence is a vulgar manifestation of the connection between your exploitation and alienation as proletarians and the horrific colonial oppression experienced by the Aboriginals!”

“Yeah, he’s a fucking cunt,” agreed Noah.

Our correspondent thanked the workers for their time and handed everyone a copy of Lenin’s “Imperialism, the Highest Stage of Capitalism”, which she makes sure to keep in her backpack at all times, as well as a copy of Enver Hoxha’s “Imperialism and the Revolution” for the group to share.

After receiving the report, the Worker’s Spatula Central Committee carefully reflected on the matter, and came to the conclusion that there will be no revolution in the warehouses if the spine of the forklift aristocracy is not immediately broken (and thrown into the fire). Thus, we, Worker’s Spatula, on behalf of the exploited and oppressed the world over, hereby instruct all sympathetic forces to add “abolition of the very concept of ‘forklift operator'” to their minimum programmes; in workplaces where such a position is necessary, it is to be regularly rotated on a daily basis among all able employees.

Death to the forklift tyranny, freedom for the proletariat!