VIENNA – As various observers of Turkish politics continue to speculate as to whether, when, and how the Turkish authorities will return to the negotiating table with the PKK in these tumultuous times, all have been blindsided by the latest news that state representatives have met with another group which they and their media lackeys characterise as “ontological terrorists”, “namussuz piçler”, and “affedersiniz, Ermeniler”: Worker’s Spatula.
While official sources continue to deny that the right Kierkegaardian government led by the AKP would meet with the Hoxhaist rebel news team, we assure our thousands of readers around the world that we have been meeting in Vienna with the AKP with the express purpose of securing the freedom of Max Zirngast via a prisoner swap.
Max Zirngast, as much of our readership know, is an Austrian Marxist-Leninist who was imprisoned for reading too much Hegel in Turkey, a country where “the Hegelians” have been added to the growing list of “terrorist organisations”. Hiding their hatred for Max’s mastery of German philosophy behind bogus, unsubstantiated, and to a great extent “confidential” claims of “terrorist propaganda”, the AKP have jailed one of those precious few western Marxist-Leninists who is both theoretically competent and practically useful. His defence in the AKP court of the “universal values” of socialism is but his latest act of “terrorism” which consists of working with impoverished children of diverse backgrounds, writing for various leftist publications, and trying to awaken in the masses a consciousness of themselves as a revolutionary political subjectivity, all alongside his comrades from TÖP who have also been picked up and subsequently jailed on completely meaningless and groundless “terror” charges.
Our initial offer of trading Sam Kriss for Max Zirngast’s freedom was refused when the Turkish negotiation team discovered that Sam Kriss’s only practical work consists of shameless self-promotion, and the bulk of his theoretical work also consists of shameless self-promotion. They were particularly furious to discover that the organisation which we claimed Kriss was involved with, the MLOGB (Maoist-Lacanist Organisation of Great Britain), was nothing more than a Spatular fabrication, an elaborate bit of banter (or “geyik”), like Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr in Wales.
Subsequently, we changed tactics and proposed a handover of an assortment of New York City academic Marxists, perhaps a trio of Vivek Chibber, David Harvey, and Andrew Arato. To this the AKP team replied that “come on, even we know Arato’s not a Marxist” and “give us Ollman”, to which a member of our team replied “over my dead fucking body will you touch Ollman, he’s the only real one, we’re attending his Seder in April”.
Despite the lack of success in negotiations thus far, we did receive word through Max’s lawyer that he is in high spirits, keeping busy learning Arabic, a language he started learning while in Hatay helping organise the local Alawite Arab population, and which he hopes to be the first westerner to successfully learn to any level of meaningful conversational proficiency, instead of just saying “shwaya shwaya” and changing the subject, like they fucking do.
Other rebuffed offers to the AKP included trading Max Zirngast for various low-level Gülenist refugees, a box full of Öcalan flags, a Circassian dance troupe, the abstract concept of hubris, and the southeast Asian country of Malaysia. The AKP team inform us that they already have all of these things in their possession, or can acquire them without our help.
With negotiations still ongoing, a Worker’s Spatula team are currently plotting to take Sam Kriss hostage anyway, “just in case somebody wants him”.