Turkish State Refuses Offer of Sam Kriss Prisoner Swap


VIENNA – As various observers of Turkish politics continue to speculate as to whether, when, and how the Turkish authorities will return to the negotiating table with the PKK in these tumultuous times, all have been blindsided by the latest news that state representatives have met with another group which they and their media lackeys characterise as “ontological terrorists”, “namussuz piçler”, and “affedersiniz, Ermeniler”: Worker’s Spatula.

While official sources continue to deny that the right Kierkegaardian government led by the AKP would meet with the Hoxhaist rebel news team, we assure our thousands of readers around the world that we have been meeting in Vienna with the AKP with the express purpose of securing the freedom of Max Zirngast via a prisoner swap.

Max Zirngast, as much of our readership know, is an Austrian Marxist-Leninist who was imprisoned for reading too much Hegel in Turkey, a country where “the Hegelians” have been added to the growing list of “terrorist organisations”. Hiding their hatred for Max’s mastery of German philosophy behind bogus, unsubstantiated, and to a great extent “confidential” claims of “terrorist propaganda”, the AKP have jailed one of those precious few western Marxist-Leninists who is both theoretically competent and practically useful. His defence in the AKP court of the “universal values” of socialism is but his latest act of “terrorism” which consists of working with impoverished children of diverse backgrounds, writing for various leftist publications, and trying to awaken in the masses a consciousness of themselves as a revolutionary political subjectivity, all alongside his comrades from TÖP who have also been picked up and subsequently jailed on completely meaningless and groundless “terror” charges.

Our initial offer of trading Sam Kriss for Max Zirngast’s freedom was refused when the Turkish negotiation team discovered that Sam Kriss’s only practical work consists of shameless self-promotion, and the bulk of his theoretical work also consists of shameless self-promotion. They were particularly furious to discover that the organisation which we claimed Kriss was involved with, the MLOGB (Maoist-Lacanist Organisation of Great Britain), was nothing more than a Spatular fabrication, an elaborate bit of banter (or “geyik”), like Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr in Wales.

Subsequently, we changed tactics and proposed a handover of an assortment of New York City academic Marxists, perhaps a trio of Vivek Chibber, David Harvey, and Andrew Arato. To this the AKP team replied that “come on, even we know Arato’s not a Marxist” and “give us Ollman”, to which a member of our team replied “over my dead fucking body will you touch Ollman, he’s the only real one, we’re attending his Seder in April”.

Despite the lack of success in negotiations thus far, we did receive word through Max’s lawyer that he is in high spirits, keeping busy learning Arabic, a language he started learning while in Hatay helping organise the local Alawite Arab population, and which he hopes to be the first westerner to successfully learn to any level of meaningful conversational proficiency, instead of just saying “shwaya shwaya” and changing the subject, like they fucking do.

Other rebuffed offers to the AKP included trading Max Zirngast for various low-level Gülenist refugees, a box full of Öcalan flags, a Circassian dance troupe, the abstract concept of hubris, and the southeast Asian country of Malaysia. The AKP team inform us that they already have all of these things in their possession, or can acquire them without our help.

With negotiations still ongoing, a Worker’s Spatula team are currently plotting to take Sam Kriss hostage anyway, “just in case somebody wants him”.

But seriously:




Jordan Peterson Declines Invitation to Debate Worker’s Spatula


Worker’s Spatula have recently received a response from Jordan Peterson to our invitation to a debate on “Marxism and modernity”, stating that Mr. Peterson “feels he has already sufficiently expressed his views in his upcoming debate with the most serious Marxist thinker alive today, Slavoj Žižek, so completely it does not need to take place, and so he certainly does not need to engage with fanatical Stalinists just because they have their own blogs”. We consider this to be a clear statement of intellectual cowardice by a fraudulent “thinker” who refuses to engage in critical discourse to arrive at the truth. In short, we hold that Mr. Peterson is trying to create a “safe space” around himself where he does not have to be confronted by new ideas.

The debate was proposed to take place in the form of our first ever live Facebook video broadcast at one of our Spatula iftar dinners which we hold every night of Ramadan here in Vienna, where our central committee are plotting our next move in our ongoing campaign against the existence of Liechtenstein, the worst country in the world, and very likely Peterson’s model for a perfect society.

Jordan Peterson, for those who are not aware, is a “famous” “Canadian” “intellectual”, who tragically and accurately represents English Canada as a settler-colonial reproduction of England in all its imperialist economic “progress” and political reaction, a vulgar, undialectical, intellectually destitute cultural wasteland which will hopefully be cleansed by the healing fire of the righteous liberation movements of the downtrodden indigenous masses, just as England will hopefully be destroyed by y Mab Darogan.

In case any of them are reading this, unaware of who we are and what we do, unlike Jordan Peterson and his followers, Worker’s Spatula are a weird cult which doesn’t believe in assigning women to men under the rubric of “enforced monogamy”, but on the contrary, believes that the only acceptable cishet relationship is that of a woman who owns multiple men who are subordinate to her ownership over them until gender is overcome in full communism. Allow us to quote from our model of how to fix the “chaos” of gender politics under the bourgeois patriarchy in the throes of capitalist crisis:

that baby was conceived the natural way for cishets: by a woman who was head of her own matriarchal harem in which the men she controls stay in their place, and give her dick when she asks for it, and do not let their eyes stray to other women. “Who’s the father?” a nurse asks the heroic mother of this rebel baby, motioning towards her man-harem on the other side of the room. “I don’t know,” she replies, “some man,” she laughs, and the nurse laughs, and the doctor laughs, and the baby laughs, but the men do not laugh, because it is shameful for a man to laugh in public, for it may arouse the desires of strange women.

While we regret that we cannot bring our loyal readers such a thrilling debate which captures the exciting Zeitgeist of the ideological struggles being waged over the midst of capitalist-imperialist modernity in the midst of crisis, we would nonetheless like to share our original letter to Jordan Peterson. It follows in unedited format:

In the name Allāh, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful, in the name of Marx, Engels, Lenin, and Stalin (SAW), we seek refuge in the dialectic of history from Trotsky, the accursed.

We write to you on behalf of Worker’s Spatula, the intellectual vanguard of the vanguard of the vanguard of world revolution on behalf of all poor and oppressed. Despite the fact that we have been completely ignored by the bourgeois press, we are widely recognised as the premiere source of anti-revisionist communism on the internet, and if the scoundrel and reactionary Jordan Peterson is not afraid to have his arguments “calmly destroyed” by us, he will confront us in the form of debate.

We, Worker’s Spatula, request, nay, demand that Jordan Peterson travel to Vienna to be taken, blindfolded, to our Anti-Liechtenstein Marxist-Leninist Headquarters for Hegel and Qur’ān Studies to take part in a debate over an iftar dinner, as we are fasting during Ramadan. This debate will naturally be broadcast live over the internet, and will consist of members of our editorial staff rebutting his mistaken ideas in a proper dialectical and materialist fashion.

We propose the following topics for debate, to which Mr. Peterson or his representatives may propose revisions or additions:

–Has Jordan Peterson actually read Marx with any more closeness than your average Canadian university student forced to do so for a class taught by a sociology professor who probably doesn’t have any revolutionary commitments to begin with? The simplicity of his “rebuttals” is matched only by the dishonesty of his mischaracterisations. “Pop quiz”-style questions about basic assertions of Marx’s theoretical approach will be peppered throughout the debate, delivered in a cartoonish falsetto by a leftcom.

–Subjectivity and objectivity, specifically Jordan Peterson’s commitment to a supposedly objective truth, but a priori imposes his own subjective views, interests, etc. as necessary conditions for reasonable inclusion in ideological discourse. Like that fucking trick he pulls where he insists universities are for being confronted by “often horrible” ideas, as if students are demanding a form of censorship by objecting to ideological indoctrination by people who think like him, while simultaneously demanding the defunding of academic subjects who are unlike him.

–Where do lobster witches live? Since witches are a Jungian archetype from which we cannot escape, and human social life can be explained entirely through analogies gleaned from your expert knowledge about lobsters, are there swamp lobsters or… how does that work?

–Why? Why few women?

We hope that we will receive a prompt response, and we further hope that Mr. Peterson will not take the coward’s way out, and will defend his ideals of hierarchical western civilisation or whatever.

In struggle (against you),
–Worker’s Spatula

We hope that our regular readers, as well as Jordan Peterson’s fans, will sign the petition based on this original e-mail to make this debate happen and settle, once and for all, who is right: Stalin or Jordan Peterson? (it’s Stalin)

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

Austrian Left Announces New Strategy to Combat Right­-wing Surge


VIENNA – After alarming election results which saw the fascist Freedom Party (FPÖ) gain over 30% in regional elections and with more such results to come, Austrian leftists and left­ liberals have shown remarkable unity and announced a new common strategy on how to combat the FPÖ. Despite their unity they could not agree on holding a joint press conference, and each major element of the struggle held their own.

The Social Democratic Party (SPÖ) held their press conference at the notoriously haughty and expensive Cafe Landtmann, which they regularly use, i.e. To hold press conferences costing 50,000 Euros for a couple of hours in order to announce their intensified struggle against economic inequality. Chancellor Werner Faymann and Michael Häupl, the mayor of Vienna, appeared together for this landmark statement. Häupl stated that because of the immense importance he had stayed completely sober leading up to the press conference at 10 a.m., adding that he intended to stay sober throughout the event and asked everyone to show solidarity with him throughout this great sacrifice. Faymann then elaborated on the new strategy:

“Obviously, they are on the rise and we keep losing votes. It is only a matter of time before they take power. After every election we tell ourselves and the people that we have to communicate better. Our political strategists have now arrived at the conclusion that the problem might not be communication after all. Thus, we, as the ruling party of Austria, are going to dissolve the Austrian state and integrate it into Germany. We already have so many German refugees here who come to work because of low wages in Germany, or because their secondary school grades were insufficient to attend university there, so it won’t make a huge difference. Thus, we will prevent the right­wing takeover of Austria, and I will be an Austrian hero. Just as we still celebrate Kurt Schuschnigg, pretending that he sought to save Austria from Nazi Germany, while he and his party did everything they could to eliminate every serious resistance beforehand. We believe, because of that the the ÖVP [the conservative Austrian People’s Party that still celebrates the heritage of the Austrofascist dictator Dollfuß and his successor Schuschnigg – WS] will be on our side as well.”

The Green Party held their very own brunch press conference at a posh café in the 7th district. Chairwoman Eva Glawischnig stated: “For years we have been telling the people who are voting for the FPÖ that they are stupid and uneducated. Yet, they still continue to vote for them. I don’t know what else to do, so we convened with the SPÖ and agreed that we will dissolve Austria. I am very happy about that for our party, as this will finally allow us to eliminate every modest left element still existing within our party and become the party for the liberal bourgeoisie and the rich with some ecological consciousness like the German Green Party have already accomplished. As a part of Germany, we can finally also participate in wars around the globe – I am already checking the maps, do you have any suggestion for countries to bomb?” Julian Schmid, the youngest and sexiest MP, added: “I participated in the student occupation of the University of Vienna and in other extremist ultra­left activities. Trust me, that’s nothing for me. In the Green Party I can travel across Austria and take selfies with beautiful women everywhere. Obviously everyone loves me, because I am just so handsome. If we integrate into Germany, I can expand my radius and travel all over Germany as well. I am very excited.”

The KPÖ issued its statement at Café Siebenstern at 7 p.m., in order to cover up for the fact that they were already drunk in the morning. Didi Zach stated: “We were always in favor of ‘Greater Germany’, as this is clearly what the old Stalinist KPÖ opposed so fiercely. Thus it can’t be all bad, right?” He then proceeded to empty his pint all at once and refused to comment further.

A spokesperson of the KPÖ youth organisation continued to discuss their take on the issue: “It’s actually quite brilliant you see. We all know that the FPÖ is undecided on the national question for Austria. They pretend to be Austrian patriots, but a considerable part of their cadres think there is no Austrian nation and we are all Germans. Now they have to take a stance, and it will considerably weaken them in any event.” Asked about his stance he clarified that the KPÖ youth was “in full support of ‘Greater Germany'”:

“You know, many of us are anti-Germans. So if we’re part of Germany, we can support Israel even more ferociously and have a bulletproof leftist façade. In fact, I would love to see the Netherlands integrated as well, so we would have a strong ally in our fight for the legalisation of marijuana.”

IST affiliate Neue Linkswende staged a rally in a cultural centre run by the ATİB, an organisation directly governed by the Turkish Presidency for Religious Affairs (Diyanet), and therefore the AKP government of Turkey. A spokesperson for the organisation read the following statement:

“First of all, we would like to thank the Turkish state and President Erdoğan for the great opportunity to speak here. We have been warning for years about the FPÖ. It was literally the only thing we were doing, besides supporting various Islamist movements in Austria and around the globe. Many said they were annoyed by our liberal one-note politics, but now they see we were right. It’s not like we’re completely happy with being German now, but we are in critical support of the initiative.”

“We didn’t like Merkel’s latest turn regarding Assad, as there can be no justification for speaking with a brutal dictator instead of the Syrian revolution that incorporates committed democrats like the Nusra Front, Ahrar ash-Sham, and ISIS. So that’s a little bit problematic, but it clearly enjoys the support of bourgeois democrats, which is all that matters.”

“Anyway, at least you can’t run around freely propagating the terrorist PKK in Germany, like in treasonous Austria, which doesn’t defend national unity in Turkey like we do. So we’re obviously in favour of that. Also, being in Germany, we can now merge with our German sister party Marx21 and become a member of Die Linke. That’s really great. I read on Wikipedia that Marx21 has about 400 members – it sounds a little bit exaggerated to me, but with us joining it would be around 420 people, bringing us one step closer to permanent revolution.”

IMCWP affiliate Partei der Arbeit (Party of Labour) issued a written statement on their homepage in response to those declarations. “We’re doing our best to continue our further descent into irrelevance. But once again it seems we are the only ones, like the old KPÖ, who seriously defend the independent Austrian nation and thus these idiots force us to become somewhat relevant again. As we are clearly not prepared for that, we suspect that this is a reactionary imperialist plot to eliminate us completely.”

There were no international reactions on this important discussion. None.