HDK Parties Courting Fired Academic

akademisyenler

ANKARA – Fırat Önder, a left-wing academic recently fired unceremoniously from his position at Ankara University for his opposition to the Turkish state’s war on the Kurdish people, has been without any faint hope of another job since his passport was cancelled by AKP edict. However, he has not wanted for friends in these trying times.

This morning, TÖPG cadres reportedly showed up at the former History professor’s apartment door with a bouquet of flowers to ask him if he wanted to consider going out for a date sometime: “Any day you’re free, we can go to the park and distribute propaganda, or we can talk about dialectics. Whatever you want, abi,” said the young man clutching the yellow roses close to his equally yellow TÖPG vest.

Önder’s newfound popularity is not limited to TÖPG, the only element of the Turkish left whose cadre read as much Hegel as the Germans. Nearly every HDK party or group has come to him, hoping to win him over to their line. We sat down with Önder in his apartment in Çankaya to discuss his situation.

“It started with the letters of support from my students,” explained Önder to our correspondent over tea in his apartment, as SYKP cadre outside his window knocked on it, waving around pamphlets. “A Kurdish student who lost her little brother in the attack on Sûr told me that I was in her prayers. It breaks my heart to think about that.”

“I guess my students really liked me, because before long, they started getting involved in the campaigns for academics who have been fired. One of them joined Partizan and kept ‘bumping into me’ in the street. Now it’s like I’m in some Turkish film from the ’70s, where instead of being courted by men representing different social classes, I’m being courted by a bunch of 20-year-old revolutionaries who started reading Marx because of me.”

Attempts at courtship have varied in their scrupulousness: “Halkevleri approached me the other night at a bar. It was a man about my age and three much younger women whom he seemed to be offering as some sort of socialist concubines. I told them to fuck off, and they asked me, ‘what are you gay or something?’.

“Then there was DSİP. They said they would ring Callinicos for money for myself and other fired academics if I would help them attack EMEP and ESP.”

When asked if he thought he was going to get organised in the end, Önder nodded eagerly and said “Actually, I’m pretty sure I’m going to start working with Devrimci Parti, but they need to get me a few pairs of their trainers to sweeten the deal. I’m not going to give myself away so quickly and look cheap.”

 

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Joint Statement by the German Left Denouncing “Adventurism”

BERLIN – At a press conference in Berlin today, several organisations of the German left came together to release a joint statement denouncing “adventurism”. In an unprecedented case of left unity, the German Communist Party (DKP), Die Linke (The Left), the movementist Interventionistische Linke, as well as various Trotskyist groups denounced every attempt of using militancy in pursuing socialism. “It just doesn’t work,” said the DKP representative at the press conference. “I mean, have you seen a successful revolution in Germany throughout the last decades? No, you haven’t. So we’ve got to end this and find a new strategy.”

The spokeswoman of Interventionistische Linke added: “We fully agree with our slightly Stalinist comrade. Or were they bureaucratic reformists? It doesn’t matter, we are now objectively on the same side. See, we have seen all these protest movements in Southern Europe that turned violent. We get it, the people are angry, as they are impoverished by German politics. But they can’t simply attack police officers or occupy open squares. At the same time, we cannot simply confront the German state because of its politics. I mean, there is democracy here, so we have to participate in elections and hope the German people elect us, so we can end austerity politics. Sorry, friends in the South, these are the rules.”

Upon being asked if the Interventionistische Linke wasn’t in fact a movement-oriented organisation that did not particularly focus on electoral politics, she responded: “Sure, that’s the historical subjective difference, but there’s no objective difference between what we are and leftist groups that don’t get elected. So you know, we just follow trends now. For example: ever since Syriza, we’ve decided we want to be the German Syriza. Our members are all presently working on modifying their appearance and mannerisms to resemble Tsipras. We’ve already got the bad English down, now we’re raising money for plastic surgery so that all our members, men and women, will physically resemble him.”

Further statements from other groups were scarce. Katja Kipping, co-chair of Die Linke said: “Our politics have always been non-confrontational and cowardly, so this isn’t really a new position for us. We love calling everyone ‘adventurist’. We have nothing to add.” While a joint delegate of various Trotskyist groups added: “We, as Trotskyists, are always with the people. The German people today are in their great majority boring petty bourgeois hacks. And so are we.”

After the press conference a small tumult broke out among the Trotskyist groups, because while the one delegate was speaking as agreed upon by all the other groups, several groups changed their minds about the proper procedure. After the fight (itself repeatedly condemned as “adventurist” by its participants while they were delivering blows to their rivals), the representative of NAO (New Anticapitalist Organisation) spoke to us: “No, we all agreed on the message. But we discussed who should present it up until the very last minute. Then the press conference began and we sent the one guy up, but continued discussing the procedure backstage, per our understanding of democratic centralism. That’s how the confusion arose.” Asked if the issue had now been settled once and for all, he responded: “I really doubt it, that wouldn’t be consistent with our overall political line.”

Stefan Engel, the leader of the MLPD, the only notable absent figure of the left in Germany, said the following while drinking in a Bavarian beerhouse with one of our correspondents: “You know what Lenin said about German revolutionaries, right? About how they buy a ticket before occupying a train station? Well, there you have it. The only alternative is my party, the MLPD, and that the downtrodden German peasants will recognise the correctness of our line and join our ranks in masses. We are just months away from declaring an open protracted people’s war on the German state.”

International reactions to the shocking announcement were mixed. A joint response by Marxist parties from Turkey including EMEP, BDSP, Devrimci Parti, SYKP, SODAP and TÖPG read: “Fuck the German left.” The MKP, TKP/ML, Bolşevik Parti, TİKB, and MLKP issued a separate statement that noted it was in full agreement with the aforementioned statement while adding the caveat: “Except the MLPD and our comrade Stefan Engel, the only hope for the fucking Germans.”

Joma Sison, founder of the Communist Party of the Philippines, released a video message on his Facebook page in which he spoke for approximately 15 minutes about Chairman Mao and the great struggle of the CPP-NPA before asking the viewer “So, what was the topic of my message again?” Answering himself, he said: “That’s right, the Germans have done it again. They are Germans, what else is there to say? My good friend Stefan Engel is German and he is not German, but an internationalist at the same time. That is why he is not like them. Also note that this is a prime example of Maoist dialectics.”

Sison then repeated the word “dialectics” intermittently every few seconds for two minutes before the video abruptly stopped.

Didi Zach of the Communist Party of Austria (KPÖ) addressed the issue at his 11 o’clock beer breakfast, where he stated: “We feel a little bit insulted. Why did they not ask us to participate? I am absolutely sure that we would have managed to create a wonderful alliance representing Greater Germany on this issue. I mean, ‘the German speaking world’, or how do you say that these days? You know what? Let’s go with ‘Greater Germany’. After all, our sole mission is to expel everything the old KPÖ stood for from our party and as it was the only party defending the Austrian nation against the ‘Greater Germany’ concept, I think that’s the concept we’ll follow.”