Point/Counterpoint: Yelling About Hegel

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The First Annual Clandestine Worker’s Spatula Marxist Theory Symposium and Dance-a-Thon was held at an undisclosed part of York University campus in Toronto, Canada last night. Attendees who arrived thanks to secret invitations came from locations as diverse as Australia, China, Turkey, India, and Argentina to debate topics ranging from economics to gender politics to philosophy.

The highlight of the evening, according to all in attendance, was the debate on “Yelling About Hegel”, which consisted of York University’s own J. Moufawad Paul, who swiped the keys to get us all into the [REDACTED] building, and a Worker’s Spatula representative who is hot for Hegel. What follows is a 100% factual and 100% accurate transcript, and if J. Moufawad Paul seeks to object in any way, we can only assume his account has been hacked by the Russians, as is traditional in North America.

Moderator: Well, I see we have a packed room for this panel. Expected, I suppose, because if there’s one thing that draws the big crowds, it’s heated arguments about Hegel. You all know the rules: each participant is permitted to yell until they run out of breath, at which point the other begins yelling until they run out of breath. If I start yelling, everyone else has to stop yelling until I finish what I’m saying. The debate is over when somebody flips the table like TİKB did during the Toblerone conference in London. Any preliminary, non-yelled remarks from either of you?

WS: First of all, since we’re going to be yelling about Hegel, I want to give a shout-out to Arif Çelebi. Secondly, on behalf of all of our cadre taking part in the Ramadan fast, I wanted to thank J. Moufawad-Paul for his thoughtful choice of bream for this evening’s iftar. He has been nothing if not a gracious host to us, and has made me personally rethink my prejudiced view that all white settler-colonial English Canadians are hypocritical liberal scum.

JMP: Please, comrade. I also love bream. But I’m glad that I could prove that not all individuals from settler-colonial Canadian society are roughly as culturally sensitive as Justin Trudeau, if not to his right. I hope that this event will be the first in many occasions for meaningful exchange between revolutionary trends across the world. By the way, is there any chance you’d like to accept that Maoism is the third and hi…

Moderator: …AND WITH THAT, WE’RE OFF! START YELLING!

JMP: Oh, is it… is it time for me to start yelling? Okay: WHERE DO I BEGIN? MY POSITION IS ALMOST TOO OBVIOUS: HEGEL IS AN IDEALIST PHILOSOPHER, AND THE REPEATED IMPLICATION BY WORKER’S SPATULA THAT HEGEL IS ON PAR WITH MARX WAS ALWAYS INTERPRETED AS A JOKE UP UNTIL THIS POINT. IS IT ACTUALLY WORKER’S SPATULA’S POSITION THAT, AND I QUOTE, “MARXISM-LENINISM, MORE LIKE HEGELIANISM-LENINISM, AMIRITE?”?(?)

WS: YEAH SURE, WHY NOT? I’M NOT GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE FOR SAYING THAT. YOU CAN’T BE A MARXIST WITHOUT HEGEL. IT’S NOT A FUCKING COINCIDENCE THAT EVERY MODERN REVISIONIST YOU TALK TO CAN’T SUMMARISE THE UNIVERSAL MOTION OF DIALECTICS ON EVEN THE MOST BASIC LEVEL. YOU CAN’T JUST IGNORE DIALECTICS AS A MARXIST.

JMP: I NEVER SAID DIALECTICS WASN’T AN ESSENTIAL PART OF THE MARXIST WORLDVIEW, I WROTE A FUCKING DIAMAT MANUAL. BUT IN THE DIALECTICAL INTERPLAY BETWEEN BEING AND CONSCIOUSNESS, THE BEING IS PRIMARY, AND HEGEL’S SHORTCOMING WAS PRECISELY IN HIS FAILURE TO GRASP THIS.

WS: DID HEGEL MAKE MISTAKES? OF COURSE HE DID. IN SO LONG A PERIOD FILLED WITH HEROISM, TRIALS, STRUGGLE, TRIUMPHS, IT IS INEVITABLE NOT ONLY FOR HEGEL PERSONALLY BUT ALSO FOR GERMAN IDEALISM AS A WHOLE TO MAKE MISTAKES.

MODERATOR: FOUL! No paraphrasing Enver Hoxha or Mao Zedong quotes defending Stalin! That joke is for Twitter only.

WS: Sorry, force of habit.

MODERATOR: That’s fine, just try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. JMP? Can we get your word that you won’t do the same?

JMP: Hey, I never do that anyway.

MODERATOR: Very well. Comrade, would you like to yell a more original and substantial response?

WS: LENIN SAID “INTELLIGENT IDEALISM IS CLOSER TO INTELLIGENT MATERIALISM THAN STUPID MATERIALISM”. WE CAN’T GO THE DIRECTION WHERE WE PAINT HEGEL AS AN ENEMY OF MARXISM!

JMP: I’M A FUCKING PHILOSOPHY PROFESSOR! I THINK PEOPLE SHOULD READ HEGEL, AND I’VE READ HEGEL, AND I’VE TAUGHT HEGEL! I KNOW FULL WELL ALL THE WAYS HEGEL IS MISREPRESENTED, BUT MARX EXPLICITLY IDENTIFIES HEGELIAN DIALECTICS AS BEING DEFICIENT IN ITS IDEALISM, AND THE ANTI-REVISIONIST TRADITION IS REPLETE WITH BREAKS FROM HEGELIANISM AS SUCH, JUST AS MODERN REVISIONISM IS REPLETE WITH BREAKS WITH DIALECTICS AS SUCH.

DIALECTICS IS NOT SIMPLY DEFINED AS HEGELIANISM. THE FACT THAT IN THE MILIEU OF GERMAN IDEALISM A CERTAIN LANGUAGE EMERGED THAT WAS USEFUL FOR MARX IS NOT SOMETHING ANYONE HERE DENIES. THE ISSUE IS THAT YOU COULD JUST KEEP GOING BACK WITH THAT: DO WE NEED KANT TO UNDERSTAND HEGEL?

WS: LENIN ALSO SAID: “IT IS IMPOSSIBLE COMPLETELY TO UNDERSTAND MARX’S CAPITAL, AND ESPECIALLY ITS FIRST CHAPTER, WITHOUT HAVING THOROUGHLY STUDIED AND UNDERSTOOD THE WHOLE OF HEGEL’S LOGIC. CONSEQUENTLY, HALF A CENTURY LATER NONE OF THE MARXISTS UNDERSTOOD MARX!!” DID HE EVER SAY THAT SHIT ABOUT KANT?

MODERATOR: FUCKING FOUL! That’s two quotes from Lenin talking about Hegel in a row! Stop relying on Lenin to make your argumentation. JMP, your turn to yell.

JMP: LENIN IS NOT AN INFALLIBLE SOURCE FOR UNDERSTANDING THE MARXIST METHOD! I HALF-EXPECTED YOU TO QUOTE ENGELS NEXT. AS I ARGUE IN MY BOOK, WHICH YOU’D KNOW IF YOU READ IT, I AM NOT ONLY AGAINST VULGAR MATERIALISM AND PSEUDO DIALECTICS, BUT ALSO AGAINST IDEALIST DIALECTICS IN THE FORM OF “PURE HEGELIANISM”, EVEN AS FOUND IN MARXISM! THIS WAS MAO’S FUNDAMENTAL BREAKTHROUGH: THE NEGATION OF THE NEGATION IS ITSELF A FORM OF IDEALISM!

WS: Yeah, the SMF said the same thing when asked about the Abstrakt piece about Maoist dialectics.

JMP: The SMF?

WS: They’re supposedly a front for the [REDACTED].

JMP: Ah. Well, you see? MLMs.

MODERATOR: You’re not yelling.

JMP: WHETHER OR NOT THE NEGATION OF THE NEGATION IS A HEGELIAN CONCEPT THAT HAS NO PLACE IN MARXISM OR NOT, IT’S NOT THE CASE THAT A KNOWLEDGE OF HEGEL ALONE IS A THEORETICAL DEFENCE FROM REVISIONISM: ŽIŽEK IS A FINE CONTEMPORARY EXAMPLE, HE DEFENDS THE RATIONAL CORE OF HEGELIANISM AS A BASIS FOR MARXIST THOUGHT MORE STRONGLY THAN ANYONE, MORE THAN YOU EVEN, AND YET HE ALSO DEVIATES CONSTANTLY TO THE RIGHT, YOU DON’T NEED ME TO LIST ALL OF HIS ERRORS, YOU’VE MOCKED HIS IDIOCY MORE THAN ALMOST ANYONE.

AND WITHIN ACTUALLY EXISTING SOCIALISM: MANY OF THE CAPITALIST-ROADERS DEFENDED A SORT OF CONSERVATIVE HEGELIANISM, A “RIGHT HEGELIANISM”. HELL, THE FACT THAT YOU EVEN FREQUENTLY EMPLOY THE TERM “LEFT HEGELIANISM” IS A TELL: YOU’RE FULLY AWARE HOW FORMAL HEGELIANISM CAN BE REACTIONARY, JUST AS YOU MUST AGREE THAT THE THEORETICALLY UNDEVELOPED MOTION OF THE MASSES HAS A GREATER REVOLUTIONARY POTENTIAL THAN ANY THEORY NOT APPLIED IN PRACTICE!

WS: FINALLY WE GET TO THE MEAT OF THE MATTER! FIRSTLY: IT’S DEFINITELY TRUE THAT THERE ARE RIGHT HEGELIANS AND THAT OPPORTUNISM AND REACTION HAVE BEEN AIDED BY PEOPLE WHO FORMALLY DEFENDED HEGEL WITHIN REVOLUTIONARY CONTEXTS, BUT WOULD YOU REALLY ARGUE THAT MAO’S CAPITALIST-ROADER OPPONENTS HAD A FIRM GRASP ON DIALECTICS, IDEALIST OR OTHERWISE, GIVEN THAT THEIR FUNDAMENTAL AIM WAS TO CONCEAL RATHER THAN REVEAL CONTRADICTIONS?

REGARDLESS, THIS IS THE SAME AS TRYING TO BRUSH ASIDE MARX BY POINTING OUT THAT OVER 90% OF FORMALLY DECLARED MARXISTS ARE CHARLATANS, FRAUDS, SCOUNDRELS, RENEGADES, AND OTHER INSULTS LENIN WOULD’VE USED. OUR DEFENCE OF MARXISM AS A METHOD AGAINST FORMALIST APPROPRIATIONS OF MARXISM, EITHER IN THE FORM OF A WORSHIP OF ICONOGRAPHY OR A SORT OF RELIGIOUS TEXTUALISM MASQUERADING AS ACADEMIC MARXISM: THIS IS FUNDAMENTALLY THE SAME AS OUR DEFENCE OF HEGELIANISM, WHICH AGAIN, WE CLAIM IT IS NO COINCIDENCE WAS MARX’S PRIMARY POINT OF THEORETICAL REFERENCE.

THIRDLY, YOU MAKE REFERENCE TO THE MASSES: WE DEFINITELY AGREE THAT THERE MUST BE A DIALECTICAL PROCESS BETWEEN MASS AND ORGANISATION, THAT AN ORGANISATION WHICH FAILS TO UNDERSTAND ITS SUBJECTIVE AND OBJECTIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE MASSES CAN NEVER BE REVOLUTIONARY, BUT THE VERY FACT OF BUILDING SUCH AN ORGANISATION IS A SUBJECTIVE MANIFESTATION OF TRYING TO DEVELOP A REVOLUTIONARY THEORY WHICH, I PRESUME YOU WOULD ALSO AGREE, IN THE FINAL INSTANCE IS A NECESSITY FOR TRULY REVOLUTIONARY PRACTICE!

SO: IF WE DEFEND HEGEL IN TERMS OF A THEORETICAL BASIS, IT IS NOT BECAUSE WE ARE “IDEALISTS”, ANY MORE THAN YOU ARE FOR DEFENDING “MAOIST DIALECTICS”, OUR ARGUMENT IS THAT TO DEVELOP A CORRECT THEORETICAL LINE, WE NEED BOTH A MATERIAL ENGAGEMENT AND A FIRM GRASP ON WHAT DIALECTICS IS!

JMP: BUT YOUR ARGUMENT ON THE DEFINITION OF DIALECTICS IS BASED ENTIRELY ON HEGEL SIMPLY BECAUSE OF A FORMAL COMMITMENT TO HEGEL’S HISTORICAL ROLE WITHIN THE GERMAN PHILOSOPHICAL TRADITION AT THE POINT OF MARX’S WRITING!

Tragically, the debate was cut short at this juncture when a DHKP-C guerrilla who had infiltrated the symposium began firing a small handgun into the air and screaming: “FEUERBACH ÜZERİNE 11. TEZ!” over and over again whilst the entire crowd fled the room to retrieve their own weapons.

UPDATE: J. Moufawad-Paul has agreed to continue the discussion in an even more private location with the proceedings to be published later this Ramadan. Worker’s Spatula would like to apologise as usual on behalf of the Turkish left for the Mahircis being so goddamned Mahirci all the time.

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Jordan Peterson Declines Invitation to Debate Worker’s Spatula

Peterson

Worker’s Spatula have recently received a response from Jordan Peterson to our invitation to a debate on “Marxism and modernity”, stating that Mr. Peterson “feels he has already sufficiently expressed his views in his previous debate with the most serious Marxist thinker alive today, Slavoj Žižek, and does not need to engage with fanatical Stalinists just because they have their own blogs”. We consider this to be a clear statement of intellectual cowardice by a fraudulent “thinker” who refuses to engage in critical discourse to arrive at the truth. In short, we hold that Mr. Peterson is trying to create a “safe space” around himself where he does not have to be confronted by new ideas.

The debate was proposed to take place in the form of our first ever live Facebook video broadcast at one of our Spatula iftar dinners which we hold every night of Ramadan here in Vienna, where our central committee are plotting our next move in our ongoing campaign against the existence of Liechtenstein, the worst country in the world, and very likely Peterson’s model for a perfect society.

Jordan Peterson, for those who are not aware, is a “famous” “Canadian” “intellectual”, who tragically and accurately represents English Canada as a settler-colonial reproduction of England in all its imperialist economic “progress” and political reaction, a vulgar, undialectical, intellectually destitute cultural wasteland which will hopefully be cleansed by the healing fire of the righteous liberation movements of the downtrodden indigenous masses, just as England will hopefully be destroyed by y Mab Darogan.

In case any of them are reading this, unaware of who we are and what we do, unlike Jordan Peterson and his followers, Worker’s Spatula are a weird cult which doesn’t believe in assigning women to men under the rubric of “enforced monogamy”, but on the contrary, believes that the only acceptable cishet relationship is that of a woman who owns multiple men who are subordinate to her ownership over them until gender is abolished in full communism. Allow us to quote from our model of how to fix the “chaos” of gender politics under the bourgeois patriarchy in the throes of capitalist crisis:

that baby was conceived the natural way for cishets: by a woman who was head of her own matriarchal harem in which the men she controls stay in their place, and give her dick when she asks for it, and do not let their eyes stray to other women. “Who’s the father?” a nurse asks the heroic mother of this rebel baby, motioning towards her man-harem on the other side of the room. “I don’t know,” she replies, “some man,” she laughs, and the nurse laughs, and the doctor laughs, and the baby laughs, but the men do not laugh, because it is shameful for a man to laugh in public, for it may arouse the desires of strange women.

While we regret that we cannot bring our loyal readers such a thrilling debate which captures the exciting Zeitgeist of the ideological struggles being waged over the midst of capitalist-imperialist modernity in the midst of crisis, we would nonetheless like to share our original letter to Jordan Peterson. It follows in unedited format:

In the name Allāh, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful, in the name of Marx, Engels, Lenin, and Stalin (SAW), we seek refuge in the dialectic of history from Trotsky, the accursed.

We write to you on behalf of Worker’s Spatula, the intellectual vanguard of the vanguard of the vanguard of world revolution on behalf of all poor and oppressed. Despite the fact that we have been completely ignored by the bourgeois press, we are widely recognised as the premiere source of anti-revisionist communism on the internet, and if the scoundrel and reactionary Jordan Peterson is not afraid to have his arguments “calmly destroyed” by us, he will confront us in the form of debate.

We, Worker’s Spatula, request, nay, demand that Jordan Peterson travel to Vienna to be taken, blindfolded, to our Anti-Liechtenstein Marxist-Leninist Headquarters for Hegel and Qur’ān Studies to take part in a debate over an iftar dinner, as we are fasting during Ramadan. This debate will naturally be broadcast live over the internet, and will consist of members of our editorial staff rebutting his mistaken ideas in a proper dialectical and materialist fashion.

We propose the following topics for debate, to which Mr. Peterson or his representatives may propose revisions or additions:

–Has Jordan Peterson actually read Marx with any more closeness than your average Canadian university student forced to do so for a class taught by a sociology professor who probably doesn’t have any revolutionary commitments to begin with? The simplicity of his “rebuttals” is matched only by the dishonesty of his mischaracterisations. “Pop quiz”-style questions about basic assertions of Marx’s theoretical approach will be peppered throughout the debate, delivered in a cartoonish falsetto by a leftcom.

–Subjectivity and objectivity, specifically Jordan Peterson’s commitment to a supposedly objective truth, but a priori imposes his own subjective views, interests, etc. as necessary conditions for reasonable inclusion in ideological discourse. Like that fucking trick he pulls where he insists universities are for being confronted by “often horrible” ideas, as if students are demanding a form of censorship by objecting to ideological indoctrination by people who think like him, while simultaneously demanding the defunding of academic subjects who are unlike him.

–Where do lobster witches live? Since witches are a Jungian archetype from which we cannot escape, and human social life can be explained entirely through analogies gleaned from your expert knowledge about lobsters, are there swamp lobsters or… how does that work?

–Why? Why few women?

We hope that we will receive a prompt response, and we further hope that Mr. Peterson will not take the coward’s way out, and will defend his ideals of hierarchical western civilisation or whatever.

In struggle (against you),
–Worker’s Spatula

We hope that our regular readers, as well as Jordan Peterson’s fans, will sign the petition based on this original e-mail to make this debate happen and settle, once and for all, who is right: Stalin or Jordan Peterson? (it’s Stalin)

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

Worker’s Spatula Kick Off North American Healthcare Roadshow

Roadshow

North Americans rejoice! Following the dreadful events in Toronto, Workers Spatula have teamed up with local communist organisations to offer specific healthcare initiatives to target populations uncovered by present federal and state policies.

Watch out for the Workers Spatula trucks, which will be coming to different towns across North America each week for the rest of the year with our trained healthcare staff!

Yes, that’s right. We’re carrying out direct action to bring healthcare to the people, which, despite Jeremy fucking Gong‘s well-known passion for healthcare, is something he won’t support us in doing because of how much he hates direct action.

Yes, this is especially tragic given that our teams have been sent into the field to deal with a medical issue which affects many men who support Jeremy Gong: this initiative is particularly aimed at “incels”, that is, the far-right 4chan dwellers who hate women who won’t have sex with them. Workers Spatula intend to administer a quick and easy procedure to solve this condition and greatly improve sufferers’ quality of life, free of charge!

The benefits to castration for incels are clear:

-Quick, relatively safe operation
-Reduced proclivity to violence, particularly as it:
-Ends stress over the fact that women (rather understandably) won’t touch you
-More free time, lowers internet addiction
-Fast-track opportunities into the Byzantine civil service!

So come on down, incels! Or, if there’s an incel in your life, bring them down, kicking and screaming as necessary! Enjoy the benefits of the Workers Spatula trucks, free of charge and paid for by our generous readers, which is to say, Stefan Engel.

Other services available:
-The kicking-in of fascist
heads
-Capping of knees for black and tans
-Lacing of necks for members of the Afrikaner Broederbond
-AND MORE! Please contact us for details.

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

Ex-Soviets Resist “Queue Culture”

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TORONTO – As the post-Soviet economies continue to produce high unemployment, forcing many ex-Soviet citizens into the diaspora, cultures increasingly clash in major imperialist countries with a relatively high intake of immigrants, such as the United States and Canada.

“These fucking Russians and Uzbeks and whatever else they are, they don’t know how to line up!” exclaimed Karen Nestor, local student and Pierre Trudeau fan, while being jostled out of place repeatedly by old headscarved women, several of whom were multilingual, but not in any languages they speak in Canada. “This is what communism does to people, I guess, no civilisation!”

“Actually,” interjected Zəhra Kazımova, an Anthropology student at the local University of Toronto, “Lineups were a common activity forced upon my parents’ generation by the Soviet regime. Here in Canada, they are simply expressing the freedom that capitalism brings to not have to line up for goods and services.

“I’m not surprised privileged people like you would no idea about how far you have been indoctrinated by racist Cultural Marxism to believe that everyone has to line up behind you according to your standards of civilisation. It’s exactly your thinking that made the Soviet Union so oppressive to my people!”

“Wow,” exclaimed Nestor, shocked at her own un-unpacked privilege. “I had never thought about it that way!”

Our local correspondent spoke to Gurmat Singh, a local immigration lawyer, to learn more about the problems of queue culture:

“You have no idea the horror stories we hear from people who grew up under communism. Some of them had to wait in line for bread, and then wait in another line for various other goods, and then ride in a vehicle packed with other people on their way back to a small apartment. It was hell. I tell them: This is Canada. This is a free country. You don’t have to experience any of that ever again.

“But some of us who grew up here in Canada, they just can’t understand how important these freedoms are. We don’t appreciate the freedom from a crushing, alienating life of poverty that is the birthright of every Canadian.”

Despite the educational efforts of experts like Singh and community insiders like Kazımova, many people who grew up with English Canadian national culture still insist on imposing Cultural Marxist ideas on these people who have already enough suffered from Marxism and its unnatural ideas of equality.

“If they don’t want to wait with everyone else, they should pay extra for a delivery service! That’s what makes the system function so well: You pay the appropriate amount for the thing you really want. These queue-jumpers are trying to game the system!” explained Economics major, wannabe Austrian, and apparent “Cultural Marxist” Frederick Murray.

“What we need to do is introduce a more free market system into their countries, so if they immigrate here, they’re already familiar with what life is like in a developed capitalist country,” concluded Murray, clearly applying Marx’s Eurocentric standards of “development” to countries like Russia which have been denied the free market blessings the average Canadian enjoys so well.

However, not all ex-Soviet immigrants share the queue-jumping perspective of Kazımova’s elders. Some are resisting communism in their own way:

“YOU COMMUNIST WHORE!” screamed local “patriotic anti-communist” Yegor Nazarenko as he kicked an old Ukrainian man in the shins as he attempted to jump the queue, sending the latter’s plastic container full of roast chicken on a collision course with the dirty floor of the supermarket.

“How dare you jump a civilised, democratic queue as if it were one of those Judeo-Bolshevik queues back home!” he scolded the old man, grinding the roast chicken into the floor with his combat boot as the old man stared up at him, tears in his eyes.

Nazarenko then joined the queue himself, where he purchased a six-pack of “pyvo”, paid for by Canada Benefits.

Family Living in Fantasy World Visits Nonexistent Country

choppinheads

MONTRÉAL – Sources across Canadia remain divided as to whether it is more embarrassing for humanity that we are still pretending the Royal Family are anything but another unit of irrectifiable reactionary big bourgeois who must be liquidated, or that anyone would travel any significant distance to visit this pseudo-country.

“As an Atheist, I find everyone’s belief in God a little puzzling,” local Canadian republican Eric Ray told our source in Montréal, “but I do want to remind people that the Anglican god is still held to have some special interest in their being the nominal heads of various states chosen seemingly at random from across the globe.”

“I know,” responded our correspondent. “Everyone knows Allah’s only interested in Hizbullah’s victory over the enemies of the people and the ice-axeing of all Trotskyists.”

Other sources, however, found the continued implication of Canadia’s importance more frustrating, with Parti Québécois spokesman Jean Purelaine stating: “We mostly hate the royal family because they remind us we are still in Canada. Abolish Canada and we won’t have to worry about them, or anything else the English have ever created, because we’ll be free to trade directly with the United St… oh that’s right.”

“It’s true that Canada shouldn’t even exist,” responded [REDACTED], a spokesperson for the RCP-PCR. “But Québec shouldn’t exist either, and in fact Québec’s existence is equally frustrating to Canada’s existence, objectively speaking.

“However we will grant that unlike Québec, Canada is a lightning rod for irrelevant bullshit like the British monarchy, and their stupid pissing contest with the Yanks over who makes better sitcoms, or whatever it is the English talk about.”

UPDATE: Since this article was published, all correspondents and editors involved were forced to give their self-criticism for implicitly accepting that Canada does in fact exist in the first place.

Jason Unruhe: “If Trump Wins, I’m Moving to the US”

jasonunruhe

By Jason Unruhe

Many Americans, especially those on the left, have been threatening to move to Canada in the case of a Donald Trump victory in the coming elections. Naturally, withdrawing one’s labour from the workforce in order to achieve one’s aims is a time-honoured tactic, but in this case it looks as though it would be sporadic and unorganized, and hardly likely to cause the crisis in US capitalism that North America so desperately needs. Those advocating this line of action in general represent the labour aristocracy, when they are not outright petty bourgeois. Such people are obviously completely worthless to revolution in the analysis of our ingenious leader, Comrade Prairie Fire.

You see, in our analysis, a Trump victory would be a gift—a historical, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to undermine the great Satan and drastically reconstitute the very world in which we live. Yes, if Trump is elected, I call on all Canadians to move to the United States.

Communism in China did not emerge fully-formed without a period of great struggle; it was born out of contradictions which were exploited by the international communist movement. As Mao Tse Tung himself emphasized: “A good comrade is one who is more eager to go where the difficulties are greater.” What Canadian can deny that difficulties in the US are already greater? And does not every US comrade eagerly anticipate election day, when they will be able to cast their vote for Trump, just as Chairman Mao would have instructed?

Of course, we would be true reformists if we analysed electoral politics as the only avenue for struggle. We must consider the objective conditions among the masses in the US: Whilst the Yankee peasantry is ripe for rebellion and unquestionably well-armed, US society does not yet appear prepared to take part in a peasant and worker-led struggle against imperialist and capitalist hegemony, even during the years of the hated Bush regime. But after a Trump victory, how long can it possibly take before the contradictions of capitalism force radical change in one direction or other?

Unlike in Canada, where hardened communists like myself are unable to organise the First Nations proletariat for struggle, the United States has a frighteningly large population of oppressed nationalities workers living in third world conditions: Afro-Americans, Chicanos, Appalachians, Mormons, these are but some of the populations who would finally embrace my worldview under the apartheid-like conditions of a Trump presidency.

Truly, Worker’s Spatula were wise to pour so much of their time and resources into the Trump campaign. While others, like the reformist ICOR affiliate ROL, wasted time discussing the process of the campaign of Bernie Sanders (who is a mere shadow of the first worldist scoundrel Jeremy Corbyn), Worker’s Spatula ensured that the conditions would soon be ripe for revolutionaries from across Canada will have the conditions we need to actually effect change.

In order to ensure that conservatives and reactionaries do not hijack the struggle for their own ends, it is imperative that we as responsible Canadians stand up and pledge to do whatever we can to ensure that the US is helped onto the right path. Unfortunately, I cannot speak for the various reformist and revisionist organisations in Canada which organise the labour aristocracy and neglect the greater contradiction of imperialism. But speaking on behalf of the LLCO, I assure the oppressed nationalities in the US that they will not be left alone. All of our Canadian cadres are coming to help you struggle until victory.

Yes, if Trump wins, I’m moving to the US.

“Marxism Too Mainstream,” Declares Hipster Embracing Young Hegelianism

HipHegel

TORONTO – York University philosophy student Christopher Lam first came to the attention of Worker’s Spatula when one of our Toronto representatives engaged him in discussion while distributing Worker’s Spatula alongside comrades from the CPC(ML) engaging in a protest.

“Yeah, I know Worker’s Spatula. Pretty mainstream shit, if you ask me. I bet the writers read translations of Engels or Gramsci to understand dialectical relationships. Me? I read dense prose in THE ORIGINAL GERMAN.”

It was quickly ascertained that Lam was some manner of non-Marxist Hegelian. His time appeared to mostly be divided between the computers in the Scott Library and showing up at protests and other left activities, at which he would principally stand at the sidelines, smoking cigarettes and scoffing at the “vulgarity” of the various left factions.

“It’s not that everything the CPC(ML) talks about is wrong, they make some good points, but printing pamphlets about dialectics that any bozo can read? Leave this shit to the philosophers, eh?”

More recently, we met Lam at a punk show, which Lam informed us “totally sucked”. During our discussion he said that “Engels was a sell-out. Hegel was really at his best in Phänomenologie des Geistes. When you read Engels’s critiques of Stirner, you see that what really upsets him is Stirner’s greater freedom and self-consciousness. Engels was a pussy, he could never be as much of a rebel as Stirner was.”

Asked if he considered himself a follower of Stirner, we were quickly rebuked: “Stirner is just an example of how you lot need to move beyond your precious Marx, as if he was some uniquely gifted individual and not one of the more vulgar trends within Left Hegelianism. What I advocate at present is something more ‘free’ than the party model. This isn’t the bourgeois idea of ‘individual freedom’, but rather we need a more advanced philosophical discourse aimed at determining a higher sort of ‘truth’, through which a higher sort of ‘freedom’ might be achieved.”

“Die Auflösung jener einfachen Einheit ist das Resultat der ersten Erfahrung; es ist durch sie ein reines Selbstbewußtsein, und ein Bewußtsein gesetzt, welches nicht rein für sich, sondern für ein Anderes, das heißt, als seiendes Bewußtsein oder Bewußtsein in der Gestalt der Dingheit ist”, he added.

 

US Liberals Prepared to Uproot Whole Lives in Response to Possible Trump Victory

OCanada

PORTLAND, OREGON – Informal polls carried out by Worker’s Spatula correspondents in various cities on the West Coast of the United States reveal that the overwhelming majority of petty bourgeois US liberals, too busy to engage in concrete practice aimed at the rectification of the many injustices which perturb them, are prepared to uproot their entire lives and relocate across the border to Canada.

“When the whole Black Lives Matter thing got going, like, I wanted to do something, but I was really busy. I mean, I’ve got so much else going on.” 27-year-old Justin Cazden informed us, though he did not elaborate on what else he had “going on”. “Now I wish I had, because Trump’s going to be president, and racism will be legal again, and I guess I’ll just have to move to Canada, where racism doesn’t exist.”

33-year-old Peter Miller, who has threatened to relocate to Canada in the event of a Republican victory every US presidential election since 2000, but who has never threatened to abandon the Democratic Party, agreed: “It’s really scary to think that Trump might actually become president. I mean, not really scary for me because I’m in the tech industry and I’ll land on my feet in Canada, and I won’t really suffer if I stay here. But it’s scary for the people who already have it hard under Obama. Who I voted for, by the way. Tell the other Black people I voted for Obama, I want them to know I’m not racist.”

Private school-educated Karen Goldman, who was part of the “Tibetan Freedom Club” at university, and then was politically dormant until recently, claims Trump’s nomination would be “the last straw” for her: “Recently I shared some things about the public schools in Detroit on Facebook, but I think it might be too late. I think we’ve done all we can here, and it’s time for enlightened progressives to move up to Canada, where people will understand us.”

The Canadian Maoist group RCP-PCR responded positively to the idea that West Coast liberals would be relocating north of the border. Their Vancouver representative agreed to speak with our correspondent: “We’re pretty confident in our strength in Québec, and we’re starting to spread to Ontario, but we’ve got next to nothing here in British Columbia. If the Yanks are so disaffected by bourgeois politics that they’re ready to become refugees, I’m sure we can forge some of them into militants for our coming people’s war.”

“People’s war!” he concluded.

Stalin Society of North America to Release “Revolutionary Russian Reader”

RRR

CHICAGO – The Stalin Society of North America has elected to ring in the new year with the release of a book sure to delight its core audience: The Revolutionary Russian Reader promises to educate the reader in key points of Russian grammar and lexicon through example texts culled from the writings of V.I. Lenin and Joseph Stalin.

“It’s for young comrades who want to learn Russian, but can’t relate to the dry dialogues about buying tickets and going round a friend’s place for tea. We figure some theoretical and propagandistic texts written by the minds responsible for the most exciting chapters of Russian history would be more engaging for a lot of people,” explained Alfonso Casal, author of the Revolutionary Russian Reader, Chairperson of the SSNA, and National Spokesperson for the American Party of Labor.

“Is it a niche market? Sure. But Anglo-Americans who are actually willing to learn a second language are already a niche market. And you’d be hard pressed to find a pairing more natural than Russian and Marxism-Leninism.”

Asked how accessible the book would be as an actual textbook for learning the language, Casal excitedly opened the book to the first unit “Лозунги/Slogans”.

“This is the chapter where we teach the Russian case system. It might seem like a lot, but when you’ve got ‘Вся власть Советам!’ memorised as ‘All power to the Soviets!’, how can you ever forget the plural dative?”

“From there we go all the way up to lengthy sections taken from the Collected Works. Both of them.”

Asked if he thought the books would sell, Casal assured us that not only was there already a substantial pre-order list, but that the rumour is that the Maoists are putting together a similar work for the Chinese language.

“We thought of doing the same thing for Albanian, because you know, Enver Hoxha. But who’s going to learn Albanian? Even EMEP never did it. EMEP!”