After China’s Sesame Credit System: Spatula Credits

广州 – Following the success of the CPC’s “Sesame Credit” system, which keeps track of PRC citizenry’s adherence to the revisionist line of the aforementioned party, Worker’s Spatula’s diasporic Chinese comrade was sent back to her motherland to carry out research for the development and implementation of a similar system. Now, some months later, we are proud to reveal that just by reading this, you have your own “Spatula Credit” score to which only we, Worker’s Spatula, have access.

Yes, using data harvested by Turkish communist hacker group RedHack, Worker’s Spatula now has access to most of the online activity of our readers, which we use to determine whether and in which direction you have deviated from the correct Marxist-Leninist line. Left deviation will be punished more harshly than right deviation, in true Stalinist fashion; for each one point of left deviation or ten points of right deviation, an e-mail will be sent to a comrade of yours informing them that you are a factionalist traitor to your organisation, and should be the subject of harsh criticism at the next meeting.

The “Spatula Credit” system relies not only on the “stick”, but the “carrot” method as well: Activities like repudiating revisionist and Trotskyite lies, as well as sharing articles from the ICOR website, will result in deletion of deviation points and Worker’s Spatula assistance to you in your daily life. Are you in a union? Those with low deviation points will have Worker’s Spatula agents dispatched to assist with crucial strike votes. Do you work in a progressive café or bookshop? We will sabotage rivals in your area to increase your sales. Are you an academic Marxist? Shame on you. Just… shame on you.

We had initially hoped to incorporate back-end photo recognition data from Facebook to allocate a higher portion of the “Spatula Credit” score to protest participation, but unfortunately, Facebook was uncooperative.

But it’s alright if Israel needs your help, innit Facebook?

Want to increase your Spatula Credit score by a whole lot? Purchase a Worker’s Spatula t-shirt and help advertise us to the world! Uphold the correct line!

North Korea to Laos: “Chat Shit, Get Banged”

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VIENTIANE – Following a tense meeting earlier this week over the DPRK’s nuclear programme, in which the Chinese social imperialists attempted to convince the modern revisionists of North Korea to “calm the fuck down, blood”, members of the ASEAN Regional Forum (headed by this year’s chair country, the imperialist stooges known as the Lao People’s Democratic Republic) issued a statement expressing “concern” over the “threat” posed by the DPRK’s nuclear arsenal.

“That’s it, then is it, fam? What about the ‘threat’ posed by China’s nuclear weapons, or the US’s nuclear weapons, or Russia, or all of them man them, blood?” enquired the North Korean representative in Vientiane.

“You think this is a game, son? Chat shit, get banged!” he concluded.

Representatives of the Lao People’s Revolutionary Party were quick to respond: “You’re fucking this up for all of us, fam! We’re out here, trying to feed our kids and that, fam. No Soviet Union looking after us any more, innit? You think you can just start shit whenever you want, and China will look after you, innit? Well we’re not having it fam! We’ve got our own shit to look after. So there’s your independence, innit? INNIT? INNIT?”

“Come over here and say that to my face, batty bwoy,” responded the North Korean representative.

When reached for comment, CPGB-ML chairman Harpal Brar agreed that “all provocations against the DPRK should be regarded as imperialist breaches of Korean sovereignty, and will result in the harshest possible press releases from the CPGB-ML.”

“BRRRRRRRRRAP!” added “vice-chairman” Ella Rule.

“Why no love for Laos?” Asks Lao People’s Revolutionary Party

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VIENTIANE – In an emergency statement released to the IMCWP, the Lao People’s Revolutionary Party expressed its frustration that their contributions to revisionist Marxism-Leninism were going unrecognised compared to other revisionist parties in power in East and Southeast Asia.

“What are we doing wrong? North Korea has all the fun, with CPGB-ML, RCPB-ML, and the NCP all vying for their affection in London, and KP in Turkey won’t shut up about them either.”

“Okay, we’ll grant you that North Korea is pretty hard compared to most of the IMCWP parties, but Vietnam is on about the same track as us and they still get referenced constantly because of the Resistance War Against America. Like we didn’t fight imperialism.”

“And China! Don’t even get us started about China. Those bastards really made every effort to sell out on the international stage, but Turkey has Doğu Perinçek unashamedly calling himself a Dengist! Why not Laos, Doğu? Why not Laos?”

“We’ll grant you that Workers World Party in the US and the NCP in the UK mention us, but we’re always an afterthought. Laos is cool too! We have better food than the Vietnamese, why not come to a state-sponsored banquet in London, NCP? Publicise it, we can invite Jeremy Corbyn!”

“We’re not even gonna try to reach out to those traitors in the CPB.”

Response from several of the groups called out by the LPRP was swift. From Turkey, Doğu Perinçek stated that he would be happy to invite a Laotian delegation to an event condemning the “imperialist lie” of the “so-called ‘Armenian Genocide'”, while the Komünist Parti (the most IMCWP-ish of the various TKP split groups) stated that they had formed a Laos fact-finding committee, whose first task was to locate Laos on a map. Afterwards, it is to carry out further research to see if Laos “has what it takes to inspire the hardened revolutionaries of KP”.

From the UK, the NCP responded positively, stating that they hadn’t intended to hurt Laos’s feelings, or indeed anyone’s feelings ever, and that they would try to arrange an event along the lines of the one described by the “fraternal” LPRP, but warned that “the UK Party of Labour”s joining of ICOR made prospects for attracting Jeremy Corbyn’s attention slim, particularly in light of how hard he is to even reach lately, holed up as he is in his Islington bunker.