Corbyn Demands Loyalty to PYD


LONDON – Despite claiming to be reinventing himself as a populist, Hoxhaite leader of the UK Party of Labour Jeremy Corbyn may find his new policy proposal to be less than popular with the still-unliberated British electorate.

The proposal, unveiled at a small press conference today at his Islington bunker, would see all new public servants having to take three months out of their first year in office to fight alongside the YPG/YPJ forces linked with the PYD in Syria.

Matt Zarb-Cousin, a spokesman for Mr. Corbyn, told the Spatula the idea shouldn’t be controversial: “Talk of ‘British values’ is cheap nationalist populism,” he said. “What we should be doing is trying to foster universal values. At the moment, it seems to us, no cause is more important than defeating ISIS and establishing Rojava as a beacon of women’s rights and other progressive values in the Middle East.”

But once ISIS is defeated, what then for the fledgling scheme?

“That’s the beauty of the whole scheme, its simplicity. At a moment’s notice we can have thousands of armed pen-pushers liberate Guantanamo Bay or back up the FARC in Colombia.

“They could even play the role of a praetorian guard for the coming revolutionary regime in the People’s Republic of Scotland. We’re only limited by our imaginations from here on in.”


FARC: “No, that’s fine. Your funeral.”


SERRANÍA DEL PERIJÁ, COLOMBIA – Timoleón “Timonchenco” Jiménez agreed to an exclusive interview with Worker’s Spatula, following the shockingly close “no” vote on the peace deal in Colombia, as well as news that the Colombian state will be issuing rifles to every Colombian citizen so that they too can experience the feeling of shooting a “Castrochavist” terrorist.

WS: What do you have to say about…

TIMONCHENCO: Blah blah blah, we see who wants peace and who wants war, you know what I’m going to say. They know what I’m going to say. They know I’m right.

WS: Do you think that the role of…

TIMONCHENCO: You know, I really tried to… no, you know what? That’s fine. Your funeral. You absolute bastards.

WS: Do you see the long-term role of armed struggle as being more or less…

TIMONCHENCO: Bring it on, you know? Bring it on. We made it this far, in much worse conditions, to be honest. People’s army. We’ll outlast Cuba at this rate.

WS: Speaking of Cuba…

TIMONCHENCO: You think this vote reflected some sort of vote of confidence in the Colombian state? Have you ever had to live in Colombia? I had to live here as a child in the 60s. How much better do you think things have really gotten? Well we see, don’t we? This is your fucking Colombian democracy. First Uribe, and now this. Well bravo, ¡bravo! <begins applauding alone>

WS: How much do you think this vote actually reflects the popular will?

TIMONCHENCO: I spit on the son of a bastard fake popular will that shows up in this vote. I am ready to die for the people, comrade. Even many of the people who voted against this peace, one day they will see, as you see, and as everyone sees, that they were tricked by the people who really want war into calling the people who really supported peace “terrorists”. There’s your fucking interview.

WS: Thanks very much!