Corbyn Demands Loyalty to PYD

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LONDON – Despite claiming to be reinventing himself as a populist, Hoxhaite leader of the UK Party of Labour Jeremy Corbyn may find his new policy proposal to be less than popular with the still-unliberated British electorate.

The proposal, unveiled at a small press conference today at his Islington bunker, would see all new public servants having to take three months out of their first year in office to fight alongside the YPG/YPJ forces linked with the PYD in Syria.

Matt Zarb-Cousin, a spokesman for Mr. Corbyn, told the Spatula the idea shouldn’t be controversial: “Talk of ‘British values’ is cheap nationalist populism,” he said. “What we should be doing is trying to foster universal values. At the moment, it seems to us, no cause is more important than defeating ISIS and establishing Rojava as a beacon of women’s rights and other progressive values in the Middle East.”

But once ISIS is defeated, what then for the fledgling scheme?

“That’s the beauty of the whole scheme, its simplicity. At a moment’s notice we can have thousands of armed pen-pushers liberate Guantanamo Bay or back up the FARC in Colombia.

“They could even play the role of a praetorian guard for the coming revolutionary regime in the People’s Republic of Scotland. We’re only limited by our imaginations from here on in.”

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FARC: “No, that’s fine. Your funeral.”

lookatthebook

SERRANÍA DEL PERIJÁ, COLOMBIA – Timoleón “Timonchenco” Jiménez agreed to an exclusive interview with Worker’s Spatula, following the shockingly close “no” vote on the peace deal in Colombia, as well as news that the Colombian state will be issuing rifles to every Colombian citizen so that they too can experience the feeling of shooting a “Castrochavist” terrorist.

WS: What do you have to say about…

TIMONCHENCO: Blah blah blah, we see who wants peace and who wants war, you know what I’m going to say. They know what I’m going to say. They know I’m right.

WS: Do you think that the role of…

TIMONCHENCO: You know, I really tried to… no, you know what? That’s fine. Your funeral. You absolute bastards.

WS: Do you see the long-term role of armed struggle as being more or less…

TIMONCHENCO: Bring it on, you know? Bring it on. We made it this far, in much worse conditions, to be honest. People’s army. We’ll outlast Cuba at this rate.

WS: Speaking of Cuba…

TIMONCHENCO: You think this vote reflected some sort of vote of confidence in the Colombian state? Have you ever had to live in Colombia? I had to live here as a child in the 60s. How much better do you think things have really gotten? Well we see, don’t we? This is your fucking Colombian democracy. First Uribe, and now this. Well bravo, ¡bravo! <begins applauding alone>

WS: How much do you think this vote actually reflects the popular will?

TIMONCHENCO: I spit on the son of a bastard fake popular will that shows up in this vote. I am ready to die for the people, comrade. Even many of the people who voted against this peace, one day they will see, as you see, and as everyone sees, that they were tricked by the people who really want war into calling the people who really supported peace “terrorists”. There’s your fucking interview.

WS: Thanks very much!

News in Brief: October 1st 2015

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DAMASCUS – The “Free Syrian Army” is still a powerful, unified, independent, secular, democratic revolutionary institution that all Marxists should support, “or else they are agents of Putin”, stated a press release by People’s Liberation Faction, a three-person Trotskyist sect embedded deep within the fighting whose only contact with the outside world appears to be Swiss blogger Joseph Daher. “The Kurds need to stop acting like the Arab forces on the ground are divided between Assad and jihadists, because that’s not fair to all the progressive forces who are going to crush the Nusra Front any day now, just watch.”

CHICAGO – A fierce fight has broken out in a “revolutionary” undergraduate student union about whether or not “we need dialectics”. A well-informed English major insisted it was “mysticism” and that there was “no point” in reading Hegel or Engels on dialectics, as if they themselves had ever attempted to do so.

LONDON – The CPGB-ML continues to insist it is truly revolutionary and the proletariat should not be fooled by Jeremy Corbyn, in spite of the fact that there is no difference between the minimal programmes of Harpal Brar and Jeremy Corbyn. “But we look scarier!” explained a Stalin Society spokesperson in a brief telephone interview with Worker’s Spatula.

HAVANA – Peace talks between the Colombian state and FARC rebels appear to be reaching their conclusion, with FARC agreeing to hand in all their guns in exchange for land reform, amnesty, legal political participation, and “control of Colombia’s legal drug trade.”

LOS ANGELES – At a secret meeting in the Hollywood Hills, representatives of Worker’s Spatula and the Spartacist League met to discuss “the Trot situation”. In spite of disagreement on Trotsky himself, all representatives agreed that 21st century Trotskyism was moving further and further away from its Bolshevik and Leninist roots, descending deeper and deeper into Second Internationalist thinking, exemplified by such ideological abortions as Solidarity. At press time, a Worker’s Spatula representative slid a revolver across the table to her Spartacist League counterpart, saying: “I think we all know what has to be done.”