Point/Counterpoint: Trotskyism

Trotskyism

Point: You’re a Trot!

by Communist Party of Australia Representative

Dear fucking God. I thought I had seen some Trots in my day, but this is a bridge too far: how dare you disagree with me, you fucking Trot! Only a Trot would question China’s socialism, only a Trot would imply something was wrong with the Soviet Union, and only a Trot would tell me to ‘read my Marx’! I know a Trot when I see one, you bastard, and you’re a fucking Trot!

We’ve had it up to here with Trots in Australia, and I can’t believe I’m wasting some of my precious time here in Germany, the land of Bertolt Brecht, heroic killer of Trots, talking to a Turkish Trot like you!

Off about your Trot business, you Trot!

Counterpoint: No, you’re a Trot!

by Maoist Communist Party (Turkey/North Kurdistan) Representative

You fucking Australian labour aristocrat pseudo-revolutionary! Clearly it’s YOU who is the Trot here. You are a representative of the modern revisionist Trotskyite Menshevik neo-opportunist front that must be brought down.

You aren’t struggling against fascism, you aren’t fighting in Dêsım, and Trotsky didn’t do either of those things either. Case closed, now do you have a cigarette by any chance?

Counter-counterpoint: Comrades, don’t you see who the real Trots are?

by Stefan Engel

Comrades, we all have our differences, and we should, nein, must struggle through them to reach a higher level of truth and unity. But for too long have we argued about who are the real Trots in our midst. We too have wasted precious hours attacking the DKP, but the real question is this: if Trotsky were alive today, which party would he support?

In their pseudo-radical posturing, in their empty anti-austerity politics that fail to confront the imperialist state which imposes the austerity, we all know who the real Trots are: Die Linke. Die Linke are the only Trots in our midst today.

So make haste comrades, tomorrow is for the debate, today is for the ice axes! Ice axes for Die Linke!

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Worker’s Spatula Announces “Pivot to Asia”

Wilcox

MELBOURNE – Despite loss of communication with the bulk of Worker’s Spatula’s correspondents in the UK since our English comrades went “full Mahir Çayan” in defence of Corbyn against the Blairite scum, and our Welsh comrades decided that now was the time to join Yr Aflonddwch Mawr’s glorious people’s war in the Welsh hills, new Worker’s Spatula recruits have inflated our ranks to the point where we feel confident to directly confront US imperialism on the world stage.

In response to the hated Obama regime’s “pivot to Asia”, Worker’s Spatula is hereby announcing its own “pivot to Asia”, recruiting comrades from Southeast Asian countries to a new two-pronged strategy:

From the north, Worker’s Spatula will continue supporting our comrades in the Philippines in their fight against the Philippine state (backed by US imperialism) and the Trotskyists (backed by Hong Kong imperialism).

However, at the same time, we will attack US imperialism from the south by moving comrades from various countries to Australia and New Zealand. We believe these countries are ripe for anti-imperialist struggle for the following reasons:

-The CPA(ML) upholds the correct line of establishing “New Democracy” in Australia following a war of liberation against the occupying US forces. Together with the massive MLM community built by our comrades at “Communism Will Win in Australia“, we are certain that our increase in Worker’s Spatula comrades on the ground in Australia (that is, one has become two) will hasten a patriotic anti-colonial war which will shake US imperialism to its very foundations.

-New Zealand has the proud and very effectual tradition of the Communist Party of New Zealand, which sided with China in the Sino-Soviet Split, Albania in the Sino-Albanian split, and embraced Trotskyism after the fall of socialist Albania. Unfortunately, the CPNZ and all successor organisations have disbanded*, but we are certain that we can regroup the remnants and unite them with anti-imperialist Māori youth around the correct line of Marxism-Leninism-Maoism-Hoxhaism-Liquidationism and establish socialism in New Zealand very soon.

It is our hope that if victory may be achieved in these countries, the CPA(ML) will be able to direct resources to Cambodia to allow for the reformation and return to power of the Communist Party of Kampuchea, while a socialist New Zealand will be a great victory for the various theoretical trends involved in its construction.

*Just to be clear, we did not in any way exaggerate or fabricate our description of the history of the CPNZ.

Sources Confirm: Australia Still the Fucking Worst

Australia

MELBOURNE – The Australian federal election, as is now known, was a moderate success for the Australian Labor Party [sic], who were able to win a fair number of seats from the Liberal–National Coalition, whose politics Labor [sic] assure us are quite different to theirs.

Days on, however, the votes continue to be counted, mostly due to the laziness of the Australian vote counters, who are all of course white Australians, unlike the industrious non-white immigrants who could’ve counted all the votes within an hour and still had the energy to take on a pack of white Australian fascists in a street fight.

It seems likely, however, that Turnbull and his Coalition will maintain power, in spite of the loss of seats. They will simply need to enter into a coalition with those stupid “parties” that Australians like that consist of only a single seat occupied by the person whose name is even part of the bloody party name.

Additionally, it is worth noting that the Australian Greens achieved the monumental victory of maintaining all of their seats.

Many sources say that regardless of how a government is formed, the election confirms longtime suspicions that Australia is “the worst” and “full of fucking knobs”. An e-mail to Malcolm Turnbull requesting confirmation or denial of these allegations was responded to thus:

Dear Worker’s Spatula,

While the Honourable Malcolm Turnbull regrets that he cannot personally respond to every enquiry which is sent in to the office, it is the general view of those of us who work in his office that his election in the first place does signal a particularly high level of knobishness on the part of the Australian electorate, and indeed may serve as evidence that Australia is just the fucking worst.

Best regards,
The office of Malcolm Bligh Turnbull

PS: Yes, his middle name is fucking Bligh. More like “blight” if you ask us.

Unfortunately, on the ground information from our Australia correspondent was scarce as just before the election she was deported from Southeast Asia’s least favourite island. A stamp on her passport reading “fuck off, we’re full” has made her legal re-entry an impossibility, and therefore our brave correspondent spent much of the past few days attempting to sneak into the country. She was, however, able to provide us with the following responses of local Marxist-Leninists to the election:

The Communist Party of Australia assures us that the Australian masses are now aware of the dead end represented both by Labor [sic] and the Coalition, and that they plan to stand in the next elections, where they will undoubtedly be very successful.

The Communist Party of Australia (Marxist-Leninist), for its part, has condemned the revisionist CPA for this strategy, which fails to take into account Australia’s status as a semi-colony of US imperialism, a unique analysis which has won the CPA(ML) many supporters among the Australian masses, who are preparing for people’s war even as you read this, drinking something other than VB, like some sort of fancy English cunt. You think you’re too good for us, eh?

As of press time, our correspondent had snuck back into Australia using her cleverly chosen light skin, and had begun grilling a celebratory bream on the barbie.