Shock as DSA Establishes Fraternal Relations with CPC

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NEW YORK CITY/TWITTER: The US left is reeling in the aftermath of DSA’s announcement that, following their decision to leave the so-called “Socialist International”, they have established fraternal relations with the revisionist Communist Party of China.

“After internal debate, we are entering into fraternal relations with our comrades of the CPC. Socialist China is a beacon to the world and a shining example of what we want to establish in America, only without going through the tankie Maoist phase,” said DSA spokesperson and self described “Dengist Harringtonite” Brendan O’Grady.

“We want Socialism with Chinese Characteristics, only instead it’s Socialism with American Characteristics. There’s no real difference between the two, only instead of mass unemployment and environmental degradation being masked by singing ‘March of the Volunteers’, we’ll sing ‘This Land is Your Land’” added O’Grady.

The Revolutionary Organisation of Labor, the US ICOR affiliate and chief source of Marxist entryism into the DSA, released the following statement:

At the current stage, we have to accept this embrace of Chinese revisionism as a step forwards for the proletariat of the US (North) oppressor nation. Viewing Chinese social imperialism as a model deserves harsh criticism, but the objective conditions are such that anything that can stand in the way of warmongering against the DPRK is progressive. Further, it is our hope that by passing through the Three Worlds Theory, we might eventually be able to steer the DSA towards Marxism-Leninism.

But let’s give the kids some credit, they’re moving pretty quick. They’re kicking out cops and they support Chokwe Antar Lumumba. Remember when we thought the best we could hope for was Sanders?

Less critical self-identified Marxist-Leninists in the US, particularly those found on Twitter, were thrown into confusion by these developments, which pitted their uncritical love of red flags against their uncritical hatred of practical politics in their own country:

“DSA is a bunch of petty bourgeois cop lovers! How could they support China? How could China support them?” asked a confused @BeriasT34.

“DSA has broken with imperialism. Long live DSA, long live Socialist China” @NKVDfan replied, adding a rose emoji to his Twitter name.

“It’s another psyop, everything’s a psyop,” opined @DaddyStalin.

“Except me”, he hastily added in a follow-up tweet.

At time of press, the Bolşevik Parti of Turkey and North Kurdistan (one of the country’s three ICOR affiliates) had released a twenty-page analysis of the DSA and the YDS, comparing the former to TİP and the RSDLP, and the latter to DevGenç and the Bolsheviki. The long screed ended by imploring the “rebel youth” of the DSA to send a representative to meet them in Germany to coordinate declarations. Fellow Turkish ICOR affiliate TİKB have reportedly sent an enquiry to the YDS Twitter page enquiring about coordinating armed struggle.

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Princess Diana: Also a Worker

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We must socialise the Monarchy to raise their class consciousness.

It has been 20 years since Diana, Tywysoges Cymru, died whilst using publically funded transport. Shockingly, no organ of the British working class (aside from the Sunday Sport) took the time to honour her memory.

Her death in August of 1997 sent shockwaves around the world, arguably leading to the death of that other Tribune of the People, known Albanian Mother Theresa. In the months of public mourning after the tragic event, the bourgeois press attempted to cover up the proletarian nature of the life of the last British Stakhanovite. Worker’s Spatula have elected to rectify this by publishing Her True Story.

Born into obscurity in a small village in East Anglia, Diana (maiden name Spencer, from the old French term for Butler of Steward) experienced significant hardship during her upbringing. Coming from a broken home, and never performing well at school, one would expect her to become a member of the landless rural Lumpenproletariat like the rest of her family. However, she rose to public prominence after marriage to minor British dignitary Charles Windsor and embarking on a career in Landmine Removal. Following the example of her idol, Che Guevara, she travelled to Angola to join the struggle of the MPLA against the regional domination of the apartheid South African regime, where she met Che’s comrade Fidel Castro, and fell pregnant with two young children who unfortunately grew up to be Maoists.

Such was her dedication to raising the revolutionary consciousness of the international working class, that she founded and worked for over 100 revolutionary organisations (which the bourgeois mainstream media offensively obscure by referring to them as ‘charities’).

Following her divorce, she spent time party building in London, New York, and Lahore, before moving to Paris in the wake of the election of socialist Lionel Jospin to the position of Prime Minister. Though her time in Paris before her untimely death was short, her impact was far reaching, as can be seen in the introduction of the 35-hour workweek, and the CMU (couverture maladie universelle), both solid gains for the French working class, who still mourn the loss of their last great leader every year.

Indeed, her tragic death following a life and death car chase with state agents in Pont de l’Alma tunnel in Paris whilst she was on her way to a union meeting (where she was branch chair), was met with shock and outrage by workers of the world. Following the public outcry, British Prime Minister Tony Blair colluded with the British Establishment to de-politicise Diana’s death, appealing to national-chauvinist sentiment to stem the rapidly growing insurrection, enlisting the support of noted class collaborator Elton John to memorialise Diana as ‘England’s Rose’ (an affront to the Welsh peasants who she spent decades organising against English domination!).

Since her death, scab princess, Camilla Parker-Bowles, has tried to fill the shoes of the People’s Princess, but has only managed to write one cash-in book on bone vitamins, the most reactionary of all vitamins. More recently, she has tried to bolster her faltering cult of personality with the dubiously titled Big Bone Walk, where she lead 90 suffering children on a 10 mile walk in an attempt to emulate the PLA’s ‘Long March’.

In stark contrast, despite the sneers of former confidante and revisionist Paul Burrell, the legacy of the Queen of Hearts lives on in the struggles of the 32 million British workers who watched her televised funeral.

Diana lived, Diana lives, Diana will live forever, no matter how the bourgeois press try to make us forget her, and her untimely death.

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

After China’s Sesame Credit System: Spatula Credits

广州 – Following the success of the CPC’s “Sesame Credit” system, which keeps track of PRC citizenry’s adherence to the revisionist line of the aforementioned party, Worker’s Spatula’s diasporic Chinese comrade was sent back to her motherland to carry out research for the development and implementation of a similar system. Now, some months later, we are proud to reveal that just by reading this, you have your own “Spatula Credit” score to which only we, Worker’s Spatula, have access.

Yes, using data harvested by Turkish communist hacker group RedHack, Worker’s Spatula now has access to most of the online activity of our readers, which we use to determine whether and in which direction you have deviated from the correct Marxist-Leninist line. Left deviation will be punished more harshly than right deviation, in true Stalinist fashion; for each one point of left deviation or ten points of right deviation, an e-mail will be sent to a comrade of yours informing them that you are a factionalist traitor to your organisation, and should be the subject of harsh criticism at the next meeting.

The “Spatula Credit” system relies not only on the “stick”, but the “carrot” method as well: Activities like repudiating revisionist and Trotskyite lies, as well as sharing articles from the ICOR website, will result in deletion of deviation points and Worker’s Spatula assistance to you in your daily life. Are you in a union? Those with low deviation points will have Worker’s Spatula agents dispatched to assist with crucial strike votes. Do you work in a progressive café or bookshop? We will sabotage rivals in your area to increase your sales. Are you an academic Marxist? Shame on you. Just… shame on you.

We had initially hoped to incorporate back-end photo recognition data from Facebook to allocate a higher portion of the “Spatula Credit” score to protest participation, but unfortunately, Facebook was uncooperative.

But it’s alright if Israel needs your help, innit Facebook?

Want to increase your Spatula Credit score by a whole lot? Purchase a Worker’s Spatula t-shirt and help advertise us to the world! Uphold the correct line!

Clinton Supporters Establish Middle Korea

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THE JOINT SECURITY AREA, KOREA – In what is being billed as a heroic gesture of good will by the Clinton campaign, and a poorly thought-through intervention in the internal affairs of another country which serves to foreshadow what Clinton’s rule will be like by nearly all sections of the US Left, Clinton supporters have travelled to Korea to reunite it through the establishment of a third state claimant to legitimate authority over the Korean Peninsula.

The Somewhat Popular, Somewhat Democratic Republic of Korea (SPSDRK), colloquially to be known as “Middle Korea”, was established in the dead of night by a crack team of Clinton supporters who constructed the various government offices and military emplacements in the middle of the Korean Demilitarised Zone under fire from both DPRK and ROK troops.

One 26-year-old “Hillary for America” supporter, Lorenzo O’Hanrahan, pointed to recent polls giving his preferred candidate “an unassailable lead over Trump”: “There seem to be no outstanding political issues in the US; the common-sense candidate is prevailing. So it seemed to be our duty to travel to a part of the world where pragmatism is less evident.”

Former Democratic National Committee Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz has been appointed the first President of the SPSDRK. Stating that “our Korea is already the most popular Korea” and pointing out that it was “clearly the Korea with the most experience in both foreign and domestic US politics, and far more moderate than the competition,” President Schultz predicted the new Korean state would control the entire Korean Peninsula by the end of Hillary Clinton’s second term.

Former Democratic Presidential candidate and born-again Independent Bernie Sanders hailed the new state as “an example of the sort of grassroots initiative that we need to bring about real change that people crave”. He called on his “comrades in the CPC to do everything possible to work with us to help turn Middle Korea into a Scandinavian socialist democracy”.

Not to be one-upped, Donald Trump has promised that in the event of his election victory, he will run for the offices of President of the Republic of Korea and Premier of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, on a platform of “mak[ing] Korea great again”.

Unfortunately, neither government of the two longer-established states on the Korean Peninsula responded favourably to the intrusion, with the DPRK announcing a series of military exercises and ballistic missile tests, and the ROK issuing a cryptic statement warning Hillary Clinton supporters not to leave any fans switched on any time soon.

UPDATE: UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon has responded to the establishment of “Middle Korea” by stating that the entire international community should stand behind what is now clearly the only option for the reunification of the Korean Peninsula. Further, he has proposed solving the Cyprus problem by handing over control of the entire island to the Turkish Orthodox Church.

North Korea to Laos: “Chat Shit, Get Banged”

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VIENTIANE – Following a tense meeting earlier this week over the DPRK’s nuclear programme, in which the Chinese social imperialists attempted to convince the modern revisionists of North Korea to “calm the fuck down, blood”, members of the ASEAN Regional Forum (headed by this year’s chair country, the imperialist stooges known as the Lao People’s Democratic Republic) issued a statement expressing “concern” over the “threat” posed by the DPRK’s nuclear arsenal.

“That’s it, then is it, fam? What about the ‘threat’ posed by China’s nuclear weapons, or the US’s nuclear weapons, or Russia, or all of them man them, blood?” enquired the North Korean representative in Vientiane.

“You think this is a game, son? Chat shit, get banged!” he concluded.

Representatives of the Lao People’s Revolutionary Party were quick to respond: “You’re fucking this up for all of us, fam! We’re out here, trying to feed our kids and that, fam. No Soviet Union looking after us any more, innit? You think you can just start shit whenever you want, and China will look after you, innit? Well we’re not having it fam! We’ve got our own shit to look after. So there’s your independence, innit? INNIT? INNIT?”

“Come over here and say that to my face, batty bwoy,” responded the North Korean representative.

When reached for comment, CPGB-ML chairman Harpal Brar agreed that “all provocations against the DPRK should be regarded as imperialist breaches of Korean sovereignty, and will result in the harshest possible press releases from the CPGB-ML.”

“BRRRRRRRRRAP!” added “vice-chairman” Ella Rule.

“Why no love for Laos?” Asks Lao People’s Revolutionary Party

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VIENTIANE – In an emergency statement released to the IMCWP, the Lao People’s Revolutionary Party expressed its frustration that their contributions to revisionist Marxism-Leninism were going unrecognised compared to other revisionist parties in power in East and Southeast Asia.

“What are we doing wrong? North Korea has all the fun, with CPGB-ML, RCPB-ML, and the NCP all vying for their affection in London, and KP in Turkey won’t shut up about them either.”

“Okay, we’ll grant you that North Korea is pretty hard compared to most of the IMCWP parties, but Vietnam is on about the same track as us and they still get referenced constantly because of the Resistance War Against America. Like we didn’t fight imperialism.”

“And China! Don’t even get us started about China. Those bastards really made every effort to sell out on the international stage, but Turkey has Doğu Perinçek unashamedly calling himself a Dengist! Why not Laos, Doğu? Why not Laos?”

“We’ll grant you that Workers World Party in the US and the NCP in the UK mention us, but we’re always an afterthought. Laos is cool too! We have better food than the Vietnamese, why not come to a state-sponsored banquet in London, NCP? Publicise it, we can invite Jeremy Corbyn!”

“We’re not even gonna try to reach out to those traitors in the CPB.”

Response from several of the groups called out by the LPRP was swift. From Turkey, Doğu Perinçek stated that he would be happy to invite a Laotian delegation to an event condemning the “imperialist lie” of the “so-called ‘Armenian Genocide'”, while the Komünist Parti (the most IMCWP-ish of the various TKP split groups) stated that they had formed a Laos fact-finding committee, whose first task was to locate Laos on a map. Afterwards, it is to carry out further research to see if Laos “has what it takes to inspire the hardened revolutionaries of KP”.

From the UK, the NCP responded positively, stating that they hadn’t intended to hurt Laos’s feelings, or indeed anyone’s feelings ever, and that they would try to arrange an event along the lines of the one described by the “fraternal” LPRP, but warned that “the UK Party of Labour”s joining of ICOR made prospects for attracting Jeremy Corbyn’s attention slim, particularly in light of how hard he is to even reach lately, holed up as he is in his Islington bunker.