Castro: “Honestly, I Wish They Would Assassinate Me”

SadFidel

LA HABANA – Staring at his wrinkled visage in the bathroom mirror, Cuban revolutionary leader Fidel Castro sighed and pantomimed shooting himself in the temple with his hand.

“If I had died years ago, like Che, I would be a hero in the mind of everyone who matters. Now, even the other communists have to feign enthusiasm for me,” he explained to his own reflection before taking a swig of rum, holding back tears as he swallowed.

Mustering up all his courage and strength, the 90-year-old marched out onto the balcony to give a speech to the assembled masses:

“The revolution lives! It’s still alive! It hasn’t dropped dead yet, no matter how much it would like to. The revolution walks and lives and breathes, and certainly isn’t tired of everyone else just staring at it, muttering under their breath instead of picking up the fucking slack for once!”

Fidel’s brother Raúl, sensing tension and unease in the crowd, rushed over to salvage the speech. Covering the microphone with his hand, he whispered: “Fidel, you stink of rum. How much have you had to drink?” Uncovering the microphone, he smiled broadly and announced: “That’s right! We all need to work together! Let’s have the birthday comrade introduce our special guests from Vietnam!”

“It’s Laos!” shouted Fidel indignantly. “They’re not from Vietnam, Vietnam didn’t respond to our invitation, so we invited fucking Laos!”

“But Laos is a very special country too!” corrected a visibly perspiring Raúl. “They built a little republic shaped like a shooting star, and we’re going to have some delicious Laotian food together with them, isn’t that right?” At this juncture, Raúl covered the microphone with his hand once again and adopted a stern facial expression: “You like Laotian food, don’t you Fidel? You’re going to smile and eat it, and shake everyone’s hand, and you’re not going to fuck this up for me, right?”

Sighing, Fidel weakly took hold of the microphone and addressed the crowd again:

“We welcome our very special guests from Laos. We will now retire to the banquet hall to have a dinner and discuss urgent matters of international importance. The revolution in Laos is… are you kidding me?… the revolution in Laos is an inspiration to the people of Cuba, who tirelessly pour every effort into international solidarity, do we ever.”

As the Laotian dignitaries walked over to shake his hand, Fidel leaned into the microphone one last time before they were all shuffled off the balcony inside:

“If the CIA’s listening, just kill me now. I’m so tired of this.”

Open Letters from the Central Committee for Father’s Day

Dad

Several members of the Worker’s Spatula Central Committee recently discovered that the men they had known as their fathers were in fact sleeper agents for various socialist regimes. Obviously, this came as quite a shock, and three of them have elected to publicly express their feelings to their fathers as part of the healing process:

Dear Vati,

When I think back on my childhood, I always remember being a normal German boy with a normal German father and mother. But Mutti recently told me the truth about you. You are not [REDACTED], from Offenbach, but in fact a spy from the Lao People’s Democratic Republic!

In retrospect, maybe I should’ve seen the signs that I was adopted. When I really think about it, I don’t look so much like you or Mutti, who both do look a bit… un-German. Furthermore, every year at Pi Mai, when I would throw flour on the other children and scream “Sok di pi mai!”, they would always look at me as if there was something amiss.

I cannot say that I forgive this deception. I cannot say that I recognise in you or Mutti anything like “parents”. But I can say that I forgive Laos. Laos is not just my motherland now, but my actual mother. And Kaysone Phomvihane, my father.

I shall continue my important work in organising the German peasantry from my cover as a chicken-feed dealer.

Long live the MLPD,
[REDACTED]

Not all members were so crushed by the revelation that their parents were not quite who they seemed to be:

Dadi,

Dw i wedi dysgu’r gwir nawr. Wyt ti wedi bod yn gweithio fel bancwr llwyddiannus sydd â golygfeydd accelerationist, ond mewn gwirionedd, wyt ti a spy for the Republic of Cuba.

In fact, I’m somewhat relieved, because now I can tell you the truth about myself: Dw i ddim yn wir yn astudio Applied Sheep Sciences yn Cardiff University. Dw i’n mewn gwirionedd a correspondent for Worker’s Spatula.

Nawr dw i’n gwybod pwy wyt ti, a wyt ti’n dwybod pwy dw i. And we’re both fighting for the same thing: An independent, socialist, and bunker-filled Wales.

Dy ferch,
[REDACTED]

Finally, a letter from our northernmost Central Committee member:

Dear Pabbi,

I salute the many obstacles you overcame and struggles you engaged in in raising me to do the work of the socialist state of South Yemen under the cover of being a normal Icelandic family.

As the man I once believed to be my uncle mentioned during the debriefing at my coming-of-age, you had difficulty with the language and raised some initial suspicions with your choice of the surname Leninsson. However, the neighbours were eventually won around to your eccentric ways of cooking laufabrauð and your screams of “yalla!” at the lawnmower. After you gave your 3-hour presentation on the 1,100-year history of the family from Sven Leninsson on, you were just another quiet, ordinary Icelander.

But to me, and to the Central Committee of the Yemeni Socialist Party, you were much more than that. From your tireless work to combat North Yemeni influence across the country to the anti-imperialist leaflets you secretly distributed during the Cold War, you were always working for a socialist society. Even the end of the civil war and the beginning of a new one did nothing to halt your ardour.

To you, dad, and the coming revolution,
[REDACTED]

In addition, a fourth member of the Committee has been raised to be a suicide bomber for the Tamil Tigers, but we’ll let them know when it’s time.

Clinton or Sanders – Cuban Revolutionaries Split over Who to Endorse

BernieHillary

HAVANA – What has not been achieved by decades of embargo and open low-intensity warfare might now be happening as an effect of the Democratic primaries. Reports have surfaced on splits within leading ranks of the Communist Party of Cuba over who to endorse in the race.

Raúl Castro made a speech favourable toward Sanders. He stated that he viewed Sanders’s extremely moderate welfare state proposals as a significant upgrade over previous US policy. Further, he stated that in the US context, “nothing could be more revolutionary” than Sanders’s official position that the US should be closer to Cuba on the grounds that it will be more profitable for US capitalists. He concluded by saying: “For decades we did not have to care about who was elected US president and we rightly denounced the whole US ruling class, but now we do have to care and I guess I like Sanders.”

Raúl’s statements prompted a sharp response by his brother Fidel, the maximo leader of the Cuban revolution, and widely regarded as the first modern hipster. In his regular column Reflexiones he wrote: “Raul is still young, but he should actually be aware of what I am going to say. I happen to know a thing or two about US presidents and their relationship to Cuba. And in this upcoming election, I guarantee you that the best choice for the revolution in Cuba is Hillary Clinton. Here is why: First, you want a president who is violently pro-capitalist at home, thereby sharpening the contradictions, and not too hawkish towards us in foreign policy. This is clearly Hillary Clinton and not Sanders. Oh sure, Clinton is an imperialist like the rest of them, but Sanders has to overcompensate on foreign policy, and after what he said about Chavez, I am convinced that he will seek to invade Cuba first thing after being sworn in as president.

“Secondly, We know from history that all US Presidents without a beard were hostile to the Cuban revolution. Which is understandable, considering how formidable our beards were. Just look at pictures of me, or Che, or Camilo Cienfuegos. Hillary is a woman, so she is exempt from that. This is why I am endorsing Clinton. Behind Raúl’s sympathy for Sanders I detect his own ambitions for liberalisation and a moderate welfare state, views which I am sure are closely related to his weak choice of beard. Raul has to grow a beard soon, or it’s all over for Cuba.”

International reactions to this debate were swift: The US-based part-time Trotskyist Cuba-fetishist party and elderly confused Marxist bridge club known as the Socialist Workers Party issued a statement calling for “understanding between the two factions in Cuba”, and expressing its hope that when “militant feminist activist Hillary Clinton” is inevitably named the Democratic Party’s candidate for 2016, she can name Sanders her vice-presidential candidate and form a “popular front for the liberation of the United States”, supported by all Cuban comrades.

Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro immediately took to the airwaves to declare his support for Fidel’s support for Hillary: “Clearly, the Venezuelan counter-revolution loves Sanders for his comments on our Comandante. I have no idea what Hillary is going to do, but it can’t be worse for us than Sanders, I suppose. Also, Fidel is probably right about the beard business. We also failed to go beyond a managed capitalism, and neither the Comandante nor I had a beard. I thought the Stalin moustache would cut it, but no. Clearly beards are a must for any Latin American revolutionary.

“Well now the whole thing is falling on our heads. In fact, I suspect that the negative results of the recent elections were a consequence of foreign intervention lead by Sanders. It seems that Raúl wants to join in the international conspiracy against Venezuela. To this I say: ¡Viva Fidel! ¡No Pasarán!”

Evo Morales did not comment on the situation directly, but reportedly sent a package with leaves from an unknown tree to Cuba in order to ease the situation. The Komünist Parti in Turkey issued a statement saying that they would support whatever and whoever the Cuban leadership supports, while they also clarified – in spite of its lack of relationship to the topic at hand – that they were opposed to Pan-Kurdism and Kurdish nationalism in general and that the only way to resolve the Kurdish problem in Turkey was a rallying of Kurdish and Turkish workers together under the revolutionary socialist banner of the KP.

Vladimir Putin assured the Cuban leadership that in the case of a Sanders victory, he would station nuclear missiles in Cuba in order to defend it against potential US aggression.