“Marxism Too Mainstream,” Declares Hipster Embracing Young Hegelianism


TORONTO – York University philosophy student Christopher Lam first came to the attention of Worker’s Spatula when one of our Toronto representatives engaged him in discussion while distributing Worker’s Spatula alongside comrades from the CPC(ML) engaging in a protest.

“Yeah, I know Worker’s Spatula. Pretty mainstream shit, if you ask me. I bet the writers read translations of Engels or Gramsci to understand dialectical relationships. Me? I read dense prose in THE ORIGINAL GERMAN.”

It was quickly ascertained that Lam was some manner of non-Marxist Hegelian. His time appeared to mostly be divided between the computers in the Scott Library and showing up at protests and other left activities, at which he would principally stand at the sidelines, smoking cigarettes and scoffing at the “vulgarity” of the various left factions.

“It’s not that everything the CPC(ML) talks about is wrong, they make some good points, but printing pamphlets about dialectics that any bozo can read? Leave this shit to the philosophers, eh?”

More recently, we met Lam at a punk show, which Lam informed us “totally sucked”. During our discussion he said that “Engels was a sell-out. Hegel was really at his best in Phänomenologie des Geistes. When you read Engels’s critiques of Stirner, you see that what really upsets him is Stirner’s greater freedom and self-consciousness. Engels was a pussy, he could never be as much of a rebel as Stirner was.”

Asked if he considered himself a follower of Stirner, we were quickly rebuked: “Stirner is just an example of how you lot need to move beyond your precious Marx, as if he was some uniquely gifted individual and not one of the more vulgar trends within Left Hegelianism. What I advocate at present is something more ‘free’ than the party model. This isn’t the bourgeois idea of ‘individual freedom’, but rather we need a more advanced philosophical discourse aimed at determining a higher sort of ‘truth’, through which a higher sort of ‘freedom’ might be achieved.”

“Die Auflösung jener einfachen Einheit ist das Resultat der ersten Erfahrung; es ist durch sie ein reines Selbstbewußtsein, und ein Bewußtsein gesetzt, welches nicht rein für sich, sondern für ein Anderes, das heißt, als seiendes Bewußtsein oder Bewußtsein in der Gestalt der Dingheit ist”, he added.



Trotskyist Dating Site Launched

LOS ANGELES – With a limited budget and a busy schedule, the average leftist has great difficulty staying competitive in the dating scene. For Trotskyists, the situation is bleaker still, as the risk of being set up on a date with someone who isn’t a Trotskyist, and is therefore a “Stalinist”, is pretty high.

Los Angeles technical support operator and ISO member Jessica Stone believes her new website, “TrotHotSpot”, could provide physical and emotional companionship for thousands of Trotskyists around the world.

“I wanted to make sure it was properly inclusive, so we have write-in slots for gender and sexuality, with a pretty extensive list of pronouns other users will see when you message them. I also wanted to make sure all the various Trotskyist tendencies were included, except the Pabloites. Pabloites will be pur… er, I mean… expelled from the site.”

Over the course of a mere 48 hours, over 10,000 confirmed accounts have been registered, representing the spectrum of  Trotskyism from Solidarity (US) to ICL(FI), better known as “the Sparts.”

“Yeah, we try to keep the Sparts well behaved.” Stone told us. “We expel them from the site if they send more than 10 accusations of being a “fake Marxist” to a single user in the space of five minutes.”

“So yeah, we’ve expelled almost every single Spart who’s joined the site so far.”

Concerns are already surfacing about unethical use of the site. A Chicago user named “TrotThot” has reportedly been offering sexual favours in return for newspaper sales. A sample message reads, in part: “I’ll do anything non-penetrative in exchange for a paper sale, anything penetrative is gonna cost you a subscription.”

Further, users on the 8chan board /leftypol/, a known Hoxhaite breeding ground, have been openly discussing plans to hack the site’s database to retrieve the personal information of users whose profile pictures suspiciously resemble the visages of Bob Avakian and Jason Unruhe. Stone responded:

“I completely understand these concerns. I mean, even for Bob Avakian or Jason Unruhe, it would be pretty embarrassing for everyone to find out that you talk to Trotskyists. We are working around the clock to heighten site security. We want security concerns for our users to be as low as those of actual Trotskyist parties in the United States.”

But the popularity of the site is so explosive that /leftypol/’s hacking efforts may be redundant. Communist Party of Canada (Marxist-Leninist) president Sandra L. Smith publicly admitted to having registered an account.

“Yeah, I’m a dominatrix, and while I have a very satisfying sex life within the Montréal S&M scene, it’s hard to find someone who wants to sub as my ice axe attack victim. I’m hoping through this site I can find someone.”

With Marxist-Leninists joining the site, it’s no surprise that famous Trotskyists would as well: Seattle City Council member Kshama Sawant reports already having found love on the site, having been matched with her own duplicate account. A wedding is to take place before the next Seattle City Council election. “I love myself very much, and you should love me too”, she informed Worker’s Spatula, when asked for comment.

Asked if he had any plans to join the site, MLPD Leader and winner of the “Best Dressed” award at his high school prom for three consecutive years Stefan Engel responded: “What do I need a dating site for? Haven’t you seen my homepage?”