All Trump Wants for Chanukkah is a United 32 County Socialist Transjordan


JERUSALEM/AL-QUDS – Following the usual misinterpretation of Comrade Trump’s progressive accelerationist views in the FAKE NEWS MEDIA, Worker’s Spatula, the only honest news source in the English language, and the true force behind the election of Comrade Trump, are forced to once again set the record straight.

“I love you Worker’s Spatula kids, you’re the best, really I love you, can I say how much, is anybody seeing this?” exclaimed the Donald to a cheering crowd in Jerusalem, as he motioned to the small Worker’s Spatula contingent standing in the front row, waving our red Spatula and Sickle flag. “These are the only ones who tell it like it is, don’t you all listen to the rest, it’s all FAKE NEWS!

“Sad!” added the President of the imperialist United States of AmeriKKKa.

“So as I was saying: Tel Aviv is no capital, because the Zionist entity is entirely illegitimate,” explained Trump, to the crowd of Hebrew and Arab socialists who had poured into the streets to hear the only hope for the US speak on the important political questions of their region. “We won’t accept their phony two-state solution, because our only goal is a united, thirty-two county socialist republic encompassing all of Transjordan! We’re going to build an Phalaistín Nua, we’re going to do it by Chanukkah, and we’re going to make the Brits pay for it!

“Mr. Netanyahu, tear down this wall!”

The PFLP greeted the announcement warmly, and called upon all Trump supporters and other enemies of the Zionists to join them in their renewed struggle against the occupation, until Palestine should be free, from sea to shining Dead Sea, and then well into the fucking desert where the British occupational authorities drew some arbitrary jagged straight-line borders.

The PFLP’s statement underlined, however, that those borders are sacred, because there is a Syrian nation which is the same thing as the Syrian state. As a citation, we were referred to “the noted Middle East experts in the CPGB-ML.”

Meanwhile, across that border, the THKP-C/MLSPB took a break from their busy schedule of armed propaganda to release the following press statement in response to the rapidly escalating developments in Palestine:

Our fighters are being stretched thin across all the fronts we have to fight on, but we’re extremely hopeful. Not long ago we were saying that Rojava is the Bekaa Vadisi of the 21st century. Now the entire Arab geography is being opened up to more and more opportunities for armed struggle and everyday resistance.

We are confident that the revolutionary masses of this great geography will soon join us in our rightful struggle. We are right, we will win.

We encourage all our trench comrades in Turkey and Kurdistan to study the Arabic language, and be ready for struggle at any time from Yemen to Tunisia.

There are those cowards and reformists who fear the coming storm which will consume the old order across the Arab world. To them we say: how many months ago was ISIS a threatening spectre which was expected to pull all of the region into its barbaric sway. But thanks to the determination of everyday working people, of the poor and oppressed, of the Kurdish guerrillas and the Marxist-Leninists of Turkey, ISIS were beaten back and now Raqqah has fallen.

Fear not the coming struggle, comrades! Was it not Mahir Çayan who said:

“There is great chaos under heaven; the situation is excellent.”

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LeftComs Offer Critical Support to the PUK


ROME/LONDON – Following news of the PUK withdrawal from Kerkük, supporters of the International Communist Tendency have taken an interest in alternatives within Kurdish politics to the infamous “ethno-nationalism” of the pro-Öcalan camp.

“Obviously all of these Kurdish parties are bourgeois and nationalist, and engaging with them in any meaningful sense would be a form of opportunism,” explained ICT representative Giuseppe Sposato to our Albanian correspondent, who like all Albanians these days, spends all her time in the most Italian milieus possible: “But it’s interesting to note that opposition to the PKK and KDP lines is growing among the Kurds themselves.

“These anarchists were into the Kurds for all the wrong reasons. Women’s liberation? Communes? No, what’s really important is being as anti-nationalist as possible.

“And who’s doing more to undermine Kurdish nationalism, as a concept, than the Kurds themselves?”

The analysis continued much in the expected way, before our correspondent grew bored, turned off her recorder, and walked away without saying goodbye: “The retreat from Kerkük by the PUK shows that revolutionary defeatism and anti-nationalism are on the rise. We hope this trend will continue, not only in Kurdistan, but around the world. Of course, while it’s clear that the KCK affiliate groups are more ‘national’ in character than the ostensibly nationalist PUK and KDP, on some level we reject all of them for being fundamentally bourgeois. Everything and everyone except for me, having this conversation in this coffee shop with you, here, in Rome, is bourgeois. The only way to save the Kurds is to hope that the Worker-Communist Party of Kurdistan will read this interview, steal a bunch of guns from the Pêşmerge, and take over a factory in Silêmanî or something. Inevitably, however…”

Left communists around Western Europe have been marching through Kurdish neighbourhoods, distributing leaflets which explain that the behaviour of the bourgeois nationalist Kurdish parties shows that the advance of class struggle since the 2008 Global Financial Crisis is itself eroding the nation as a concept, and the time to join the International Communist Tendency is now. Bearing witness to this scene on a morning jog, Harpal Brar rushed to his local Worker’s Spatula correspondent to share his opinions with the international Marxist-Leninist movement who hang on our every word.

“It’s absurd, claiming that the nation is eroding. Kurdish political organisations act entirely in their own bourgeois nationalist interest, the bourgeois nation in question being AMERICA, one nation, under God, with… ah but that would mean that America is interested in giving the Kurds less land, which of course, wouldn’t be consistent with our view that… hold on just a moment… It’s a trick. The Kurds are only retreating now to build up forces so that they might smash their enemy later, just like Stalin did when… no, we can’t very well compare the Kurds to Stalin, now can we…”

“We defend the unity and sovereignty of the Iraqi state and its legitimate government! Yes, there we are. Now no one can accuse me of being on the same side as the US.”

At time of press, the PUK had released a series of statements, all of which concluded that no matter what they do, a large section of the Kurdish people will stand with them out of “nostalgia, and the knowledge that even if we make a lot of mistakes, we didn’t make the mistake of being Barzanî.”

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First Annual “Stalin Did Nothing Wrong” Conference Organised


ATHENS – In honour of the birthday of Comrade Stalin, the KKE has taken the initiative to organise a massive conference in Athens in honour of the completely error-free life of the nicest human being ever to be born: Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin.

The “Stalin Did Nothing Wrong” Conference will be held every year going forward, with possible candidate cities for next year’s conference including Volgograd (in Russia), and Gori (in Georgia).

Despite its decidely un-Soviet nostalgic location (the inevitable result of the material conditions under which the conference was planned), turnout was tremendous. Delegates arrived from countries as varied as India, Chile, Turkey, Togo, and the UK to offer presentations on the overwhelming rightness of Stalin in word and deed.

A panel was organised specifically for the UK defenders of Comrade Stalin, including the CPGB-ML, NCP, and the RCPB-ML. The NCP representative presented on “Frida Kahlo as Stalinist, de Rivera as Trotskyite”, the RCPB-ML presented on “Youth Culture: can Stalin be incorporated into it?”, and the CPGB-ML presented on “Please ignore the first two presentations at this panel, we are the only British people who defend Comrade Stalin”.

George Galloway was not invited to present, but had his own table outside the conference where he stopped women comrades entering the building to ask them if they thought he was more handsome than Stalin.

A representative of the Turkish party TKİP repeated its call, consistent in all international gatherings in which they are present, for all genuine Marxist-Leninists across the world to grow glorious Stalin-style moustaches. During the question-and-answer session for this panel, a Worker’s Spatula representative condemned the “butch dominance” of “formalistic Stalinism”, demanding a “femme equivalent to the Stalin moustache” be found. The TKİP responded that the Spatula correspondent was a “Foucaultite wrecker and clear agent of the MLKP”.

Despite tremendous disagreement on the most basic questions of history and current practice, a toast was held at the end of the evening to “unity in struggle, and struggle in unity”, at which point a giant mpaklavas, dyed so as to resemble a painting of Comrade Stalin, was wheeled out to cheers and the traditional birthday song of Georgia’s most famous native son:

Trump and Žižek: “Necessity isn’t Necessary”


WASHINGTON D.C. – Following his monumental victory over the forces of Clintonite fascism, Donald Trump agreed to take part in a live discussion segment on Fox News earlier today with fellow philosopher, accelerationist, and known Slovene Slavoj Žižek. The topic, chosen by Trump, was “What does Hegel mean for politics today?”

Žižek began the discussion thus: “I think one of the most important moments in Hegel is where he identifies the importance of the French Revolution not in its mere overturning of the old order, but how its participants actually took active part in radical attacks on the very institutions they themselves erected in the pursuit of the ideals those institutions represented.”

“Philosophy of Right, a personal favourite,” interjected a nodding and dignified-looking Trump. “The best.”

“How do you think this conception of revolutionary change will apply to your presidency?” Žižek asked the president-elect, previously best known for his halal steak business, Trump Steaks.

“Slavoj, let me tell you, it’s gonna be huge. We’re going to negate all the negations. We’re going to sublate so much you’re going to get tired of all the sublation. We’re going to American manufacture multiple levels of contradiction and sell them to the Chinese.”

At this point in the discussion, Hannibal Buress appeared behind Trump and began clapping alone for several seconds.

“Make America dialectical again. We’re going to put America back to work more and more until the quantity transforms into quality and then right the fuck back into quantity. Big time.”

“Do you suppose that your victory signifies a success in appropriating fascism, but for the left?” asked Žižek, apparently in earnest.

“Slavoj, my good friend, and, hold on, I gotta say this, I really love this guy. But to answer your question, if I were to say what my campaign was about, it wasn’t about freedom. That’s not the thing in itself. Because freedom isn’t free, but neither is necessity. Additionally, neither are, strictly speaking, necessary. And that’s the sort of America I want to live in.”

“That was an Engels joke, you see what we did there, right?” asked Žižek, breaking the fourth wall for the benefit of any CPGB-ML readers who may have stumbled across our liberal, bourgeois, Scottish nationalist page.

The last four minutes of the interview were dominated by both participants sniffing continuously and tugging at their own clothes, just looking very uncomfortable.

Them Lot: “Actually, Blumenthal is an Agent of Imperialism”


LONDON – Responding to claims that Blumenthal’s position on Syria reflects the critical anti-imperialist stance expected of left figures in imperialist countries like the US, a press conference was called by the CPGB-ML to assure everyone of the falsehood of these claims.

“Blumenthal can’t be an anti-imperialist, because he has never once come to speak at a CPGB-ML event,” explained Harpal Brar, the main speaker as always. “His claims that there is an imperialist plot for regime change in Syria is clearly a masterful tactic by Hillary Clinton. She’s playing the long game. Trust no one from the US. Spies are everywhere.” At this juncture, Chairman Bral jumped under the table, where he remained for the entirety of the press conference, which continued for another two hours.

“I have a source that can reveal that Blumenthal is the son of a Clinton advisor,” continued Bill Graves, to gasps from the audience. “Yes, it’s true. Max Blumenthal has now been proven to be the son of Sidney Blumenthal. He didn’t even choose a very good code name!

“The point is, we have to dig more deeply, if we are real dialectical materialists and not revisionist reformists,” said Graves. “Why would the Clinton family flip-flop like this on Syria? Because they want our votes! We trusted the Clintons once, never again! NO VOTE FOR CLINTON, BLUMENTHAL! NO VOTE FOR CLINTON!”

As of press time, our New York correspondent had confirmed that Max Blumenthal had committed ritual suicide for failing the real left across the English speaking world. In Jewish culture, this act is known as seppuku, and it is done to save face when one’s family has been shamed by basement dwelling romantic Stalinists and pro-imperialist post-Trotskyists.

New “Stalin Biography” Composed Entirely of Apocryphal Quotations


BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA – The academic community and “the anti-Stalinist left” are abuzz at news of a new biography of Joseph Stalin entitled “Stalin: Man or Monster? (Monster)”. The book was the work of professor of Polish Language and Literature at UC Berkeley, Philip Tannenbaum, and incorporates all of the most famous apocryphal Stalin quotes, as well as some new ones unearthed in discussion with various political figures around the world.

Tannenbaum describes the work as his own “humble contribution to the field of winning internet arguments”. “No longer will basement-dwelling Stalinists be able to smugly end discussions with basement-dwelling anarchists and Trotskyists by typing “[citation needed]”. Now people who say they like Rosa Luxemburg but clearly haven’t read Rosa Luxemburg can simply cite an academic work which contains all their worst fears confirmed without circumspection.”

Positive reviews for the work have been appearing in news sources from the New York Times to the Guardian to the Age, and top intellectuals otherwise not overly concerned with Soviet Historiography have made sure to put forth their highest praise:

“A masterwork which lays bare the paranoid and sociopathic mind behind the most frightening ideology of the Twentieth Century,” gushed reviewer and moral compass of the British left Nick Cohen. “Only by understanding the thought processes contained in pithy and more or less unverifiable quotes by Stalin can we properly identify the most dangerous elements in the regressive left today. Not reading this book is a wreckless and irresponsible act.”

The book, which contains no dates, sources, or information other than quotes designed to reemphasise the received knowledge of Stalin’s villainy, includes such classic quotes as “The death of one man is a tragedy, the death of millions is a statistic”, “Ideas are more powerful than guns. We would not let our enemies have guns, why should we let them have ideas? ”, and “Death solves all problems — no man, no problem”. It also includes brand-new quotes, such as “Hitler and I are both socialists, fighting for the same things, chief among which is the annihilation of the Jewish race”, and “Whenever I use the word ‘dialectic’, it should be understood as a term which signifies a conspiracy lying deep at the heart of the Soviet state, and drawn directly from the Machiavellian writings of Hegel.”

The book has predictably been attacked by the marginal and useless loonies who still defend “Russia’s Hitler”, including Grover Furr:

“I just think people should assess the Stalin era on the basis of verifiable information in context, and judge Stalin himself as a representative of part of the party apparatus, rather than a sadistic mastermind who hurt people because he took some sort of perverse joy in the act,” said the raving lunatic when reached for comment from his office at Montclair State University.

Other insane communists similarly attacked the book as “pseudo-scholarship”, “slander”, “not actually a biography on purely technical grounds”, and “lolwut”.

Alfonso Casal, an academic chiefly known for his enthusiasm for all that is horrifying, from Albania to vampire films to Cuban cuisine, responded in a harshly worded public polemic which was later co-signed by Harpal Brar of the CPGB-ML. It reads, in part:

They say Stalin was a baddie. Well I say it’s good to be bad. I’m pretty bad myself. I wake up evil, eat a hearty breakfast of totalitarianism, and set off to work where I teach malevolent and harmful ideas to a generation that is already plainly rotten. But as much as I enjoy being a nefarious man, and as much as I hope to see everyone embracing the pure un-good that Stalin preached, you have to go about it the right way. Stalin was badder than the baddest you’ve ever seen, and I’m sorry to say that this book is quite bad at capturing just how bad Stalin was.

In the book, Stalin is just quoted as wanting to kill people. Shit, everybody wants to kill people. Three Trump supporters have expressed their desire to kill me today. Nobody’s impressed by that. If that’s your idea of bad, allow me to give you a lesson in the art of bad.

Stalin did some bad shit. One time, he had the Red Army march into Berlin and set up a people’s democracy in the baddest part of Germany. East Germany was the baddest Germany, and don’t you ever forget it. Another time, he smacked his son for thinking he could ever be as bad as his dad. He so excelled at the art of badness that he even banned George Michael and the Care Bears. But he never said that stupid shit that all of you people who think you know what it means to be bad claim that he said. He said much badder shit, publicly available in the form of his Collected Works. But that Trotskyite book you’re all quoting? That shit ain’t bad. It ain’t nothin’.

North Korea to Laos: “Chat Shit, Get Banged”


VIENTIANE – Following a tense meeting earlier this week over the DPRK’s nuclear programme, in which the Chinese social imperialists attempted to convince the modern revisionists of North Korea to “calm the fuck down, blood”, members of the ASEAN Regional Forum (headed by this year’s chair country, the imperialist stooges known as the Lao People’s Democratic Republic) issued a statement expressing “concern” over the “threat” posed by the DPRK’s nuclear arsenal.

“That’s it, then is it, fam? What about the ‘threat’ posed by China’s nuclear weapons, or the US’s nuclear weapons, or Russia, or all of them man them, blood?” enquired the North Korean representative in Vientiane.

“You think this is a game, son? Chat shit, get banged!” he concluded.

Representatives of the Lao People’s Revolutionary Party were quick to respond: “You’re fucking this up for all of us, fam! We’re out here, trying to feed our kids and that, fam. No Soviet Union looking after us any more, innit? You think you can just start shit whenever you want, and China will look after you, innit? Well we’re not having it fam! We’ve got our own shit to look after. So there’s your independence, innit? INNIT? INNIT?”

“Come over here and say that to my face, batty bwoy,” responded the North Korean representative.

When reached for comment, CPGB-ML chairman Harpal Brar agreed that “all provocations against the DPRK should be regarded as imperialist breaches of Korean sovereignty, and will result in the harshest possible press releases from the CPGB-ML.”

“BRRRRRRRRRAP!” added “vice-chairman” Ella Rule.

Marxist-Leninist who Fails to Uphold Harry Haywood on Black Belt Nation Not a Racist or Anything


BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA – “Ian”, a white Marxist-Leninist who, to his credit, is out in the streets against the increasingly militarised police force in the US which is used to disproportionately attack the Black and Latino proletariats, informed our local correspondent in Louisiana that the red, black, and green flags were “false consciousness” and at the end of the day, the workers just need to unite.

“Just because they have a territory, a flag, a common and acknowledged history of struggle, a common language, a national anthem, a national bourgeoisie, and countless attempts at building national consciousness which were destroyed by state violence doesn’t make African Americans a nation,” he explained.

Asked about Lenin, Stalin, and Harry Haywood’s theoretical views on the matter, they were brushed aside as “errors which were rectified by Marxist-Leninists at the time,” meaning the Browderites.

“Besides, Harry Haywood was a revisionist. Maybe I can familiarise you with the works of Harpal Brar, who teaches us that even Scotland is not a nation.”

At press time, we were informed that English Canadians are a separate nation to the Yanks, on account of maple syrup and the maple leaf flag and maple maple maple maple.

But “Ian”s not a racist or anything, where would you get that idea?

Cornish Republican Army Bombing Campaign in London Continues


ST. PAUL’S, LONDON – The CRA (formerly the CNLA) continues its campaign of bombings directed against celebrity chef Jamie Oliver with a bomb detonated at the Barbecoa restaurant which he was visiting. The bomb, which killed three innocent bystanders and injured at least ten others, failed to claim the life of Jamie Oliver, who had stepped outside, but “probably not even for a fag, as he’s not cool enough to smoke”, according to “Mahire Davies”, the code name of the masked spokeswoman who agreed to meet with our correspondent at an undisclosed location near the attack.

Responding to a question regarding previous statements implying an end to the campaign against Jamie Oliver, our correspondent was sharply rebuked: “What we ended was a campaign against the presence of Jamie Oliver in Kernow. We continue a campaign against his person, whether in Emmetland or anywhere else. We believe that if we can successfully assassinate Jamie Oliver, it will be a propaganda coup for us which will raise our status in the eyes of the Emmets, who probably hate Jamie Oliver more than we do.”

“We will not rest until Jamie Oliver lies dead. We will abandon all our campaigns in Kernow itself and pour all our energy into the extermination of Jamie Oliver. We shall go without sleep, food, and friends to see to it that his filthy blood is spilt.”

“Who among us can live in a world where pure individuals like Ivana Hoffmann are dead and vermin like Jamie Oliver are allowed to live? This is bigger than Kernow. This is bigger than hip-hop.”

The CPGB-ML were quick to insert themselves into the story in their characteristically helpful fashion. Harpal Brar spoke at a hastily-assembled anti-CRA protest in London:

We’re really beginning to get sick of these Celts, declaring themselves nations when there is only one nation on this island, the great British nation, united forever thanks to its shared bourgeois interests, divided not materially by the scientific Marxist-Leninist definition of a nation, but rather idealistically by the opportunistic interests of the bourgeoisies of these supposed nations, bent on distracting their proletariats from class struggle, led by the CPGB-ML.

But it’s one thing to lie about whether or not you exist, and quite another to kill people over that lie. This is dangerous fanaticism, scarcely distinguishable from the mentality of ISIS. Are all Cornish people ISIS sympathisers? We report, you decide.

Jamie Oliver offered his condolences and words of wisdom in response to the incident:

My deepest condolences to the victims of this attack, and all of us at Barbecoa are fully cooperating with the Metropolitan police in the hopes of banging up those behind this malarkey.

I wish to stress to the people of England that we should not get worked up about it all: Most Cornish people are not terrorists, only a few who have corrupted the teachings of Saint Piran. Cornwall is a proper pukka place. Lovely jubbly.

At press time, the CRA had released another statement announcing that “dozens” of Cornish youth had joined up with their campaign in response to Jamie Oliver’s response to the bombing.

RCPB-ML Releases Hoxha x Stalin Hentai



LONDON – Citing concerns that young British people who could be recruited to anti-revisionist Marxism-Leninism are being misled by the “Maoite revisionist, national chauvinist, ultra-left CPGB-ML”, the RCPB-ML has announced the release of “an erotic graphic novel in a hentai manga style” entitled “Men of Steel”, as well as a Welsh translation, “Dynion o Dur”.

“Men of Steel”, which is 38 pages in length, tells the story of the young partisan Enver Hoxha, whose heart’s deepest desire is to have Stalin-senpai notice and approve of him. And notice him he does. Stalin-senpai rewards Hoxha’s loyalty in an erotically charged encounter that will make even the most steeled anti-revisionist blush.

Stalin is depicted as a stoic upperclassman within the international communist movement, confidently striding about in military boots and nothing else. The young Enver Hoxha is only too eager to please his beloved senpai:

ooOOOOOooo… Stalin-senpai is so big! Now to make him as hard… as STEEL!

CPGB-ML chair Harpal Brar responded to the release by calling it “a desperate move by a bunch of washed-up old followers of the pretentious cult-leader, Hardial Bains”. He did, however, concede that if there’s one thing that young CPGB-ML cadre like more than Stalin, it’s hentai.

“Hentai about Stalin is therefore sure to have popular appeal.”

However, Chairman Brar is not overly concerned. “After all,” he said, “the CPGB-ML is the only Marxist-Leninist party in the world whose minimal programme includes the demand to make anime real.”