Marxists Returning to their Roots: Lao Tzu

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KUALA LUMPUR – Following weeks of review of the situation on the ground, [REDACTED], the Worker’s Spatula cadre assigned to correspondence from and propaganda in Malaysia, has decided the best way forward is to form a reading group with various Marxist elements in Kuala Lumpur, including jaded former members of Sosialis Alternatif. Their task: To understand the CPM’s errors through the careful reading of foundational Marxist-Leninist texts, such as Capital, What Is to Be Done?, and the Tao Te Ching.

“天地不仁, 以萬物為芻狗: 聖人不仁, 以百姓為芻狗” Taoist priest Wang Ping-Kuei informed our correspondent, in a local temple.

“Uphold the correct line,” he responded, “uphold the correct line.”

“I think the Tao Te Ching is actually quite a good text, in spite of being so metaphysical” opined ex-Sosialis Alternatif member “Amir”. “There’s a lot of value in there about how the individual relates to the world around them, but it seems to put the individual before the world around them. As if the point of relation to the world is to be in harmony with it as an individual, rather than the point of individual action being to bring the world into harmony with people.

“You could say that what it needs is to be turned on its head.”

“I agree,” said Padma Rangarajan. “The emphasis on the transience of things is very good, since any true dialectical thinker should eschew fetishisation and understand things as part of a broader process.”

Response has been so positive that reading group member Cheng Chunhua has recommended other classical Chinese texts that she thinks could aid the group’s understanding of dialectical materialism, including the Zhuangzi, the Huainanzi, and the Analects of Confucius.

As of press time, [REDACTED] reports he has been expelled from the reading group he started for “adventurism”, on recommending Sun Tzu’s “the Art of War”.

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News In Brief: February 22nd 2016

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İSTANBUL – It’s becoming increasingly apparent that bourgeois “leftist” Boğaziçi student and self-proclaimed “Trotskyist” Ayşegül Yılmaz does not actually know who Stalin and Trotsky were: “Stalin’s model was one of one-man dictatorship which was worse than capitalism, and he opposed democracies around the world,” said Yılmaz, espousing views closer to those of Kautsky than Trotsky and ascribing to the Marxist-Leninist leader views more akin to those of Blanqui than any of the above. “Trotsky understood you have to let the people make a revolution, whereas Stalin believed a small dictatorial clique could abolish capitalism for the people”. Her friend, Levent Öztürk, agreed: “The worst part about Stalin was that he was so power mad, he wanted to take over the world. He should’ve just built socialism in one country, like the Cubans.”

KUALA LUMPUR – Friends Amar bin Yusuf and Lim Yew finished watching the documentary “the Last Communist” by Amir Muhammad in the latter’s apartment. “Pretty cool,” commented bin Yusuf to Lim. “Too bad we can’t have anything like that in today’s Malaysia.” “Yeah,” agreed Lim. “Those days are over now…” he lamented, clicking away from the YouTube window, which contained a related video on Lenin’s “What Is To be Done?”.

OUAGADOUGOU – Parti communiste révolutionnaire voltaïque cadres continue to wonder why they aren’t more popular with the Burkinabe masses. “We don’t get it! We refused to work with Thomas Sankara in the past, and we refuse to change our name to reflect the current legal name of the country to this day,” complained party cadre Souleymane Bambara. “Why can’t the stupid people of the Upper Volta see that we are the real revolutionaries and anti-imperialists? After all, we’re the ones with relations to EMEP!”

NEW YORK – People are acting surprised that CPUSA is more in Hillary Clinton’s pocket than most registered Democrats at this point. I mean, it’s the CPUSA. The more interesting news is the RCPUSA, which is intervening in the Republican primaries to support Cruz against “Trumpite fascism”.

News in Brief: November 10th 2015

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LISBON – Apparently the Portuguese Left has decided to remind the rest of Europe that Portugal exists. Most European leftists responded with shock when they learnt that Podemos was not involved in the as yet unanalysed Lusophone shenanigans. The dastardly Portuguese are up to something, but it is not clear what exactly. ICOR coordinator and known Iberophile Stefan Engel responded to the murky developments in the quasi-country, saying “It makes me wish we had a Portuguese ICOR affiliate, so we could ask them what was up. But we never thought to enquire into possible Portuguese affiliates, because they were all hiding down there, below Spain, where nobody ever looks.”

LONDON – The greatest Greek philosopher since Plato and the sexiest Greek since Alcibiades, Yanis Varoufakis, and the best Yugoslav Stalin-pretender since Tito, Slavoj Žižek, have announced their discussion-based eventoid “Europe is Kaputt. Long live Europe!”, in which they will discuss, nay, DECIDE the future of Europe. Inside sources hint that Žižek will agree with Varoufakis on some banal point before launching into a tangent, and, at another point, “quote someone with whom… [he disagrees] entirely”.

THE JUNGLES OF SOUTHERN THAILAND – In response to a Malaysian government proposal to mandate separate supermarket trolleys for Halal and non-Halal food products, ex-guerrillas of the Communist Party of Malaya called a press conference in a village near the border: “It didn’t start here, and it won’t end here. I think we all know where this is going. Your children are going to be growing up in a Malay-speaking version of Saudi Arabia. Don’t like it? Well, you had your chance, Malaysia. I bet a lot of you wish we had won now, huh? Well, now we don’t have any guns, and you’re stuck with your garbage state. We’re never coming home, so we don’t have to worry about any of that.” When our Worker’s Spatula correspondent in Thailand pointed out that Thailand was looking pretty hopeless itself, the once-upon-a-time rebels curtly informed all present that the conference was over.

SOMEWHERE IN GODDAMN ONTARIO – Jason Unruhe is now accusing people of “wrecking”. He has yet to respond to Worker’s Spatula’s e-mailed enquiry into how anyone can wreck the LLCO, an organisation which appears to consist only of himself and “Comrade Prairie Fire”. Hopefully nothing has come between the two of them, and the entire editorial and writing staff of Worker’s Spatula wishes them nothing but the best.