Shia LeBeouf Kidnapped


NEW YORK CITY – Shia looked around frantically as the hood was torn off his head.

“Where am I?”

“You’re with Worker’s Spatula, in a safehouse provided us by the Provisional Communist Party. You are a guest of the US front of the world revolution,” said a voice from the shadows.

“Can I be untied then, or…?”

“I’m afraid not, Shia,” responded the figure, stepping forward so the dim outlines of their face could be seen in the low light. “We have to complete your ideological reeducation first.”

“What do you want with me?”

“Isn’t that obvious? We’re going to put you at the forefront of a popular front against fascism. Your fame and growing radicalism merely need our theoretical guidance to create the perfect praxis for the degenerate Yankee left to advance to the next stage.”

“But I’m not famous anymore!” shouted a teary-eyed Shia at the figure. “I’m just Shia!”

“Well, ‘just Shia’, then I suppose…”

“Don’t, please don’t.” interrupted another voice from behind Shia, who craned his neck in vain to see the speaker. “If there’s one thing the anti-fascist front in the US doesn’t need, it’s more references to Harry Potter.”

Shia’s stomach lurched as he felt the chair to which he was bound lift up from the back and spin around. The figure behind him walked around to face him, their face obscured by a red balaclava.

“Trump will not divide us? Trump will not divide us?” screamed the figure in Shia’s face.

“He won’t!” screamed Shia, defiantly. “He won’t!”

“You fool!” came the voice of the first figure from behind. “Trump didn’t divide anything! He is a mere cypher for the rapidly sharpening contradictions of capital! Who are we?”

“We are the people!” responded Shia.

“Who are the people? Are they the nation?”

“No!” said Shia. “The people refers to those classes and sections of a nation which benefit from revolution!”

The room fell silent. The masked figure in front of Shia nodded their head and lit a smoking pipe before continuing.

“So why do you fear that Trump might divide ‘the people’?”

“He wants to turn people against each other. He wants us to hate Arabs and Hispanics. That’s not what you want, is it?”

“Obviously not, obviously not…” murmured the masked figure, puffing away at their pipe. “But we must not betray concrete reality for the sake of embellished sentences. After all, the unity which might exist in the place of the division to which you refer is only something that is desirable and not, unfortunately, something that actually exists. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“You’re referring to the national question?” asked Shia, trying to remember the contents of the İbrahim Kaypakkaya he had been reading in his holding cell, prior to his capture by the crazed militants surrounding him now.

“Not only that! The point is the contradictions. Contradictions which, we must reiterate, we revealed through our participation in the Trump campaign, but which were long preextant in US society.”

“So why do you need me, then? I mean, I agree with all of this, I think, but who’s going to listen to me? I mean, I’m not even famous anymore.”

“Like we said, we need you to organise a popular front. We have a list of names who we believe will be ready to work with you against the forces of Trumpite fascism. Ian McKellen played Dumbledore, for example, and these white people keep saying they want to be part of Dumledore’s Army…”

“Gandalf.” interrupted Shia.

“Excuse you?”

“Ian McKellen didn’t play Dumbledore, he played Gandalf.”

“[REDACTED], will you bring Shia some fucking Cheetos and Mountain Dew? We don’t give a fuck about which wizard it was, Shia. Wizards aren’t real. THE POPULAR FRONT is real. STALIN is real. We just want these white people to get excited about a wizard leading their popular front. The point is, you need to get together some action heroes like yourself to get people excited about being in the streets fighting fascism. You know, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Matt Damon, Sigourney Weaver…”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa… Schwarzenegger and Damon, sure, but Sigourney Weaver won’t fight fascism. She’s a known Foucaultist.”

“Shia, what the fuck?” came the voice from behind again. “Why are you letting your dreams just be dreams? You need to just do it, Shia! Make your dreams come true! JUST, DO IT!”

“Do what though?!” screamed Shia into the darkness. “I don’t understand what you want me to do!”

“This is why the oppressor nation in your country can’t have socialism yet. You don’t even know what to do when we scream at you to ‘just do it’ and ‘make your dreams come true’.”


Today in Yesterday: The History of September 11th


BOSTON – It is the common belief of much on the US left that September 11th was invented in 2001 by George W. Bush, as an alibi following his successful piloting of a Boeing 767 into the World Trade Centre. Much of the US left took notice of the renegade day for the first time, and concocted an elaborate conspiracy theory about the US government having done 9/11 once before, in 1973, in Chile. The existence of a country west of Argentina, unlike George W. Bush’s indisputable role in the World Trade Centre attack, remains deeply controversial even among Worker’s Spatula’s finest dialecticians.

However, it may surprise readers to learn that September 11th has indeed existed for many, possibly as many as 100 years. And while many so-called “revolutionaries” in the United States will waste this precious day again this year, discussing Patagonian politics with their uncle who merely wanted to explain that jet fuel can’t melt steel beams, there is one organisation in the United States which is talking about the REAL September 11th. “John Brown”, of the clandestine “CPUSA (Provisional)”, offers his recollections:

On September 11th, 1961, NATLFED, with the help of the CPUSA (Provisional) and the Sandinista National Liberation Front, achieved victory in a grassroots campaign for past due payment of non-unionised construction workers in the Boston area. One of those construction workers went on to join the CPUSA (Provisional), and he continues to organise the unorganised in the Boston area to this day.

This is the September 11th the state doesn’t want you to know about, man. It’s the story of everyday working people, coming together thanks to the tireless work of NATLFED volunteers, and building up a clandestine network that WILL one day topple the US state and bring about socialism. In Cuba they talk about it all the time, but the media doesn’t want you to know that. I personally am friends with Fidel, and he tells me that as long as the CPUSA (Provisional) keeps up its work, then one brave September 11th, US imperialism will be toppled from within.

Sure, other communist organisations may tell you they’re into some edgy underground shit, or have some cool foreign connections. But while the RCPUSA and the ISO and the ROL prattle on about Allende, only the CPUSA (Provisional) was involved in a secret meeting with Allende prior to his death in which he donated 100 crates of Heinz Baked Beans to a CPUSA (Provisional) food drive.

So next time you talk to some fake communist who thinks they know about revolution, ask them where they were on September 11th, 1961. I can tell you where I was: On the moon, dropping acid with Schafik Handal.