US Democrats Reconcile with History: Apologise for la Guerra Sucia

JKIII

BOSTON – Liberals across the United States are ecstatic about the speech given by Joe Kennedy III, not only for his bold stance against Donald Trump, but also because many analysts are hailing it as evidence that the momentum started by Bernie Sanders is finally bearing fruit, with the Democratic Party moving firmly to the left and reconciling with the US’s dark Cold War history.

“A lot of people have been claiming that our party stands for nothing,” explained Congressperson Kennedy in his latest speech in Boston, where several Beltway big shots, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the congressperson’s charismatic articulation of the youthful Zeitgeist in the US showed strong potential for a second Kennedy presidency soon. “Those people couldn’t be more wrong. We are a party of the 99%, we are a party of togetherness and fairness, we are the party of great Americans like Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and Hillary Clinton.”

“A lot of people talk about making America great again. But those people have got to talk about what’s gone wrong in America in the first place!” shouted Kennedy to cheers from youthful supporters, taken with his handsome Kennedy face. “There’s a dark chapter in US history, where we let down the international community and our most deeply cherished values, and the current administration has done nothing to make this right!” exclaimed Kennedy, pounding his fist on the podium for emphasis.

“I’m referring of course, to the Dirty War in Argentina, and our other crimes against our Latin American neighbours during the Cold War. Oh, it was a dirty war indeed, my fellow Americans. Dirty because of the damage to the environment done by the bullets used to clean up the terrorists of the ERP. Dirty because of their filthy blood which dirtied the beautiful streets of Buenos Aires and the clean soil of Tucumán. And dirty because of the pollution of the ocean and air that resulted from Pinochet’s having to fly all those reds out in helicopters on the death flights.

“You want to make America great again? Let’s commit to our environment, and to a green, sustainable CIA! This is what the Democrats stand for! Let’s make it happen, America!”

The Boston DSA, which is widely suspected of having been converted into a front for the clandestine US ICOR affiliate ROL, were found protesting outside the venue distributing flyers with the following statement:

The workers and oppressed nationalities of the US shouldn’t be fooled by the Wall Street stooge Joe Kennedy, with his fake environmentalism and his fake overtures to Black Lives Matter. If Black lives are going to matter, to really matter, then we all have to strengthen the fight for the liberation of the oppressed Afro-American people by uniting their struggle with the other peoples oppressed by imperialism around the world. And that means first and foremost their brothers and sisters in Latin America! Black lives SHOULD matter, and they should matter just as the lives of Argentinians and Chileans should matter.

As our comrades in the PTP said to us at the last joint meeting of democratic socialists in the Americas, while addressing the fascist dictatorship which killed so many of their people in the years to which Joe Kennedy III refers: “We see no difference in the deaths of our bright Argentine youth disappeared by the fascist junta and those of the Afro-American youth being cut down in their prime in North America by the police of the great imperialist states. Workers and oppressed peoples of the world, unite!”

That’s the spirit of proletarian internationalism that real democratic socialists like us or the PTP bring to the table. The workers and oppressed nationalities of the United States shouldn’t be hoodwinked by Kennedy’s flowery words! The real enemy is at home!

The local chapter of the CPUSA, for its part, were available for comment at the request of Worker’s Spatula. A suitably elderly man greeted us at the appointed meeting point in the Boston Commons:

“Sure we understand why the DSA kids don’t like Kennedy, they’re young and angry, full of fire. I like that. But the thing is, you’ve got to be wicked smart if you want to beat someone like Trump. You gotta let things go like the Cold War, or being able to pay for college, or whatever.

“It’s ultra-leftism to criticise Kennedy just because he wants to suppress and silence us and everyone like us, forever, and maintain every aspect of the status quo that we criticise. Because, if you think about it, he might run for president, and do you want Trump to win?

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

Advertisements

Unclear if DSA Declaration of “Irony” as Highest Stage of Capitalism Itself Ironic

DSA

NEW YORK/CHICAGO – The DSA have stirred up great controversy in US left circles, still reeling from the discussions of “Marxism-Leninism-Maoism” as the “third and higher stage” of communist ideology several decades too late, with their latest declaration that capitalism itself has reached a qualitatively new stage of irony.

“If you consider Marxism primarily from the perspective of alienation, it’s actually quite obvious,” explained Michael Foreman, a Bronx native and DSA member, to our local corespondent. “Capitalism has advanced so far in terms of alienating us all that even our own internal mental processes have a clear dual audience. Commodification is so total that we can only articulate resistance to the profit motive in terms of ironic humour, even to ourselves.

“O shit waddup,” he concluded.

In the past few months, large numbers of young Marxists have joined local branches of the DSA, an organisation dedicated primarily to making the Democratic Party add “vigorous defence of the legacy of Comrade Stalin” to their Party Platform. Consequently, theoretical discussion at various branches of the DSA have become more rigorous than ever before, with the legacies of such US radical martyrs as Malcolm X, Michael Israel, and Bernie Sanders being mainstays of discussions at meetings. We spoke to Alfonso Casal, professional Malört sommelier and anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninist, about developments within the DSA in terms of theory and practice.

“Basically, it’s not untrue that our innermost psychological health is being harmed by capitalism, and that capitalism’s tendency to commodify all things has brought us to this point. The disagreement we have with the DSA is mostly over whether this process, which has been quantitatively increasing since capitalism-imperialism became globally hegemonic, has actually reached some new qualitative stage.

“There was far more merit to the discussion, very popular since the 2008 Crisis, of neoliberalism, with its basis in profit-exploitation, as a qualitatively higher stage of capitalism-imperialism. In this vein, it is our view that the DSA themselves represent a new stage of revisionism. We had the classic revisionists like Bernstein or Kautsky, and then we had the ‘modern revisionists’ of the 20th century that our ‘anti-revisionist’ Marxism-Leninism defines itself in opposition to. However, these have descended so far into revisionism that they are no longer central to our discussions as revolutionaries. In the place of CPUSA or the CPB, we are now primarily concerned with the revisionism of the DSA and Momentum.”

Asked how he perceived a coming struggle with the DSA, Casal responded: “It’s very difficult to say. Just as defectors from the CPUSA played an important role in the struggle with modern revisionism decades ago, I predict contradictions within the DSA will lead to new formations, some of whom will have ideas close to our own.

“Pretty IRONIC, don’t you think?” winked Casal, who, before an explanation could be sought, pulled out an air horn and blew it into the air multiple times. “Capitalism, more like CRAPitalism, AMIRITE?”

The ISO, despite being mentioned much further down the page than they would ever read on a website as “Stalinist” as this one, also had their own analysis of the DSA’s growth and development. We sat down with one of their representatives at Fanxi’s Famous Foods in Manhattan:

“The DSA are reformists, which presents a clear risk of Stalinist growth within their ranks. On the other hand, they call themselves democratic socialists, and we Trotskyists are the real democratic socialists, since we have always militantly defended democracy for the working class, so perhaps we’ll be able to recruit some of them or take them over from within.

“It’s difficult to say, because we always had trouble telling which of their public declarations were ironic, and their latest declaration hardly does anything to clear up that confusion.”

At time of press, the ROL.

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

17-Year-Old Building Own Cult of Personality

chaaron

CHICAGO – 17-year-old Aaron Gold, or as he has recently begun insisting his followers refer to him, “Chairman Aaron”, is hard at work creating his very own cult of personality at CICS Northtown, where he has been relatively successful at promoting a Marxist-Leninist approach to politics among his classmates.

“Today we’re celebrating Chairman Aaron’s birthday, which is also the anniversary of the beginning of dekulakisation” explained Chairman Aaron’s best friend and first recruit, Joshua Washington. “Not with a cake or whatever, that’s exactly what the kulaks would want. No, we’re going to screen a documentary I made on my laptop about the time Chairman Aaron won a debate with some old revisionist from the CPUSA.”

“Chairman Aaron is our only real teacher at this bourgeois school,” explained Sara Ahadi, who was drawn to Chairman Aaron’s ideas while seated next to him during a particularly boring maths lecture. “We were talking about Trump, and I mentioned being annoyed by these white women who are still wearing their Clinton buttons, who never joined in with Black Lives Matter. He said we should try to unite with them against this common enemy without granting them hegemony. He says that in many cases, our initial differences might be ‘subliminalated’ in a ‘populist front’, which we can use to win over some of the Meghan Trainor fans (Marxist-Leninists listen to Sia).

“My mom says he meant ‘sublated’, but Chairman Aaron says she’s a Brezhnevite, so what does she know?”

Chairman Aaron is constantly seen meeting with diverse groups of students, adopting their mannerisms and style of speech in an attempt to facilitate a more dialectical communication process. Among Jewish students, he is always to be heard mentioning his single Jewish grandparent, while also fasting for the entire month of Ramadan as part of his infiltration of Muslim student groups.

“Have y’all heard about this murder clown Michael Israel? Homeboy got killed by a Turkish airstrike while fighting ISIS with his crew, the IFB,” explained Chairman Aaron to a small huddle of juggalos in the corner of the cafeteria.

“That’s what’s up, ninja,” intoned “Axeboy”, one of three nodding juggalos at the table as they inspected Chairman Aaron’s rendering of YPJ guerrillas in clown makeup, splitting the skulls of those whack ISIS bigots.

“Exploitation, alienation, oppression, imperialism; all that shit is whack,” explained one of the juggalos, who asked that he be credited as “Homidical Nutt”. “When Chairman A gets to talkin’ ’bout the dialectic, it’s just like the Dark Carnival, yo!”

“Yo, Chairman A was telling us about this dope homeboy Stalin, from Atlanta or some shit,” chimed in “Nonprovocative Steve”, the third member of the juggalo crew. “This crazy ninja killed Hitler, that’s like the most fucked-up bigot of all time!”

“Word,” concluded “Axeboy”, as he poured his juggalo comrades and our correspondent some plastic cups full of warm, flat Faygo. “Chairman A knows everything. I’m going to tattoo his face on my shaft as the ultimate symbol of my dedication to a critical approach to all established conditions. It’s gonna stretch out when I’m thinking about contradictions and rapidly contract in the event of quantitative change effecting qualitative change.”

“Me too,” agreed the others.

Ultra-Lefts Angry at Black People Again

draftproposal

RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA – Following the police murder of Keith Lamont Scott in Charlotte, North Carolina, protests have erupted drawing in large sections of Afro-American youth and progressives of other national backgrounds. But at least one group isn’t joining in this latest uprising:

“I understand why they’re angry, but the solution is really a worker’s revolution,” stated proud “left oppositionist” and local game store employee Mike Surname. “Without the leadership of a worker’s party, poor Black people will never be meaningfully free.”

Local “red guard” Dawn “Red Dawn” Smith disagreed: “What they need is a people’s war, led by a Gonzalist Maoist organisation. Unlike the Trots, our specific brand of communism is such that we tell Black people that they are a nation, and that their national interest is to join our particular sectarian branch of the socialist movement and work for its development for the purpose of an explicitly socialist revolution. Anything else would be bourgeois, of course.”

“NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE!” interjected a passing crowd of angry Afro-American youth, which neither of the particular flavours of white socialist made any attempt to encourage or join, being far too busy bemoaning their inability to organise the masses on the particular line of struggle they had chosen, independent of real world struggle.

Not to be outdone, the opportunists also interjected their views on how the masses were both wrong and stupid:

“What I’m saying is, these aren’t proletarians. Burning trucks, screaming ‘fuck the police’? No, these are clearly lumpenproletarians. I’ve heard about them, but I can never approach them, for fear that I’ll get some poverty on me,” said Jacob Christgau, local CPUSA organiser and union member who does not like the term “labour aristocracy”.

“A real worker’s revolution will emerge from SEIU meetings in an orderly fashion, without all this foolish violence. JCP and KKE both agree with me on this, where’s your international?”

“ICOR? I’ve never heard of that.”

Japanese Communist Party Entering its Avant-Garde Phase

shii

OSAKA – Having long since abandoned any pretence of being a Leninist vanguard communist party, the Japanese Communist Party is now apparently experimenting with being an avant-garde communist party.

“work                            ers POLITICAL. political lacitilop L A B O U R ¿ J a           pan;;;;              elect      ion,” explained Kazuo Shii [No relation. –WS Editor in Chief] in the form of a poem recited in the place of a speech at a recent rally in Osaka, performed over a soundtrack of atonal guitar playing. “WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR!”

“Peace.” he concluded.

Michiro Endo, best known as vocalist for the seminal Japanese punk act ‘The Stalin’, hailed the change in presentation by the Eurocommunist party: “I’ve been saying for years that the party needs to rebrand itself in a bid to reach more people outside the traditional sites of industrial labour organising, and I’ve also for years endorsed the mentality reflected in their new slogan: ‘Humanity is naked with naughty bits a-floppin’, we are the communists, we won’t be stoppin’.”

Yasuko Onuki, of Melt-Banana fame, also expressed her hope that members of the Japanese punk scene would embrace the creative new direction of the JCP, and was enthusiastic about the idea of personally getting involved in helping to build the rejuvenated party: “I will play benefit concerts for them, just as long as I don’t have to shake hands with any of their friends from the CPUSA. There is not enough hand sanitiser in the world for me to do that.”

The Zainichi Korean community loyal to the Workers’ Party of Korea remains suspicious of the JCP. Although a recent protest was carried out “in support of the DPRK’s right to self defence”, our correspondent in Osaka found that most local Zainichi Koreans suspect this was done sarcastically, particularly after the protesters joined together in a song whose lyrics called on the DPRK to nuke Tokyo, Posadas style.

“This is Japan, you know?” explained Ms. Kim, head of a local youth organisation for Zainichi Koreans, “Even the communists talk about ‘Japanese sovereignty’ and refuse to acknowledge that Japan is still an imperialist country. We’re not hopeful that they’ll come to their senses.”

On the other end of the national question spectrum, there are the Ryukyu republicans, who have historically been warm to the JCP’s stance on the US military presence in Okinawa. However, the turn to the surreal has cost the party dearly, as an earnest march against the military presence was interrupted by local JCP cadres throwing noodles in every direction and screaming “LENIN WAS TAIWANESE! LENIN WAS TAIWANESE!” in the faces of the protestors, in what the JCP later described as “a biting satire about colonialism in the Asia-Pacific region”.

In response to this shocking turn of events, various Trotskyist groups around the world have released statements by their sister organisations in Japan who are literally better known in English language Trotskyist publications than they are in Japan itself. The Japanese people remain blissfully ignorant of the continued existence of Trotskyism.

Humourless Marxist Reviews: Pokémon Go

Pokeymans

Pokémon, the popular Japanese game about monsters fighting each other is now coming to the iPhone, which is just a collection of words that make me, as one of the geriatric members of the central committee of the CPUSA, extremely uncomfortable. “Popular”? “Japanese”? “Fighting”? “iPhone”? Count me out!

Back in my day, when we wanted entertainment, we went outside and played in the sun, like real proletarians, but now all kids want to do is sit inside and play videogames. As long as things like Pokémon Go are around, our young people will never have the energy for the sort of revolutionary work demanded by the CPUSA!

The only Japanese thing that young people should be getting into is our sister party in Japan, the Japanese Communist Party. They’ve run lots of successful electoral campaigns and maintain a firm line against the TPP. That’s what young people should be excited about. That’s what’s really kawaii.

But no, young people want to spend their hard-earned money on the goddamned Pokémon. Don’t they realise they’re just making giant multinational corporations rich? Don’t they see they’re wasting their precious lives when they could be joining in with me and making revolution? Well, this is what happens when the social programmes get slashed, I guess.

The other day I heard my granddaughter talking about her Charmimello and its “evolutions”. What about “revolutions”, huh, Julie? Huh?

Remember when you used to hang out with Grandpa, and we’d go fishing together, and I explained to you about dialectical materialism? How come Grandpa’s not a priority now that you’ve got your fucking Japanese toys?

Young people need to put down the Pokémon Go and start thinking seriously about the future of our world. Corporations like the ones that make your precious Pokémon are destroying the world for their profits, and then where are you gonna live?

It’s the world we must defend.

Bob Avakian Wearing a Balaclava Now

BobAvakianCornelWest

NEW YORK – Bob Avakian is apparently appearing in public wearing a balaclava now, and quite often smoking a pipe. Sources within the RCPUSA can neither confirm nor deny any connection between the chairman’s new appearance and the recent announcement that all charges by the Mexican state against EZLN commander Subcomandante Marcos have been dropped due to the statute of limitations laws in that country.

The move, which the CPUSA condemned as “not something the Democratic Party would approve of”, is expected to increase Bob Avakian’s popularity among Chicanos who are already members of the RCPUSA.

Sources in New York were divided on the new choice, with genius theoretician and New School professor Andrew Arato stating: “Everything except my academic publications is adventurism. This applies to the movements of national liberation for the Palestinians and the Kurds, and it applies to whatever it is Bob Avakian does.”

RCPUSA member Raymond Lotta, well known for having a superior moustache to Andrew Arato, disagreed, stating: “Everything Chairman Avakian does draws him closer to the Chicano masses in the United States, whether it is wearing their traditional folk costume or supporting Ted Cruz against Trumpite fascism. Bob Avakian is my daddy.”

RCPUSA sources were also unable to confirm or deny rumours that Bob Avakian is planning to run for the office of President of the United Mexican States on a platform of “a chicken in every pot and a new synthesis for every contradiction”.

News In Brief: February 22nd 2016

US-Flag-and-Hammer-Sickle

İSTANBUL – It’s becoming increasingly apparent that bourgeois “leftist” Boğaziçi student and self-proclaimed “Trotskyist” Ayşegül Yılmaz does not actually know who Stalin and Trotsky were: “Stalin’s model was one of one-man dictatorship which was worse than capitalism, and he opposed democracies around the world,” said Yılmaz, espousing views closer to those of Kautsky than Trotsky and ascribing to the Marxist-Leninist leader views more akin to those of Blanqui than any of the above. “Trotsky understood you have to let the people make a revolution, whereas Stalin believed a small dictatorial clique could abolish capitalism for the people”. Her friend, Levent Öztürk, agreed: “The worst part about Stalin was that he was so power mad, he wanted to take over the world. He should’ve just built socialism in one country, like the Cubans.”

KUALA LUMPUR – Friends Amar bin Yusuf and Lim Yew finished watching the documentary “the Last Communist” by Amir Muhammad in the latter’s apartment. “Pretty cool,” commented bin Yusuf to Lim. “Too bad we can’t have anything like that in today’s Malaysia.” “Yeah,” agreed Lim. “Those days are over now…” he lamented, clicking away from the YouTube window, which contained a related video on Lenin’s “What Is To be Done?”.

OUAGADOUGOU – Parti communiste révolutionnaire voltaïque cadres continue to wonder why they aren’t more popular with the Burkinabe masses. “We don’t get it! We refused to work with Thomas Sankara in the past, and we refuse to change our name to reflect the current legal name of the country to this day,” complained party cadre Souleymane Bambara. “Why can’t the stupid people of the Upper Volta see that we are the real revolutionaries and anti-imperialists? After all, we’re the ones with relations to EMEP!”

NEW YORK – People are acting surprised that CPUSA is more in Hillary Clinton’s pocket than most registered Democrats at this point. I mean, it’s the CPUSA. The more interesting news is the RCPUSA, which is intervening in the Republican primaries to support Cruz against “Trumpite fascism”.

Facebook Updates about Charlie Hebdo Centre of US Left Struggle Again

FuckCharlieHebdo

CHICAGO – Following the resolution of the important question of whether the recently deceased pop singer David Bowie was a fascist or a progressive struggler against the forces of reaction in the UK, US leftists are now fiercely engaged in the Facebook struggle against some lowbrow humour publication from France called Charlie Hebdo.

“I will not rest until nobody around me reads the racist publication Charlie Hebdo,” said Charlotte Bacher, a non-French-speaking member of CPUSA from Chicago, who has exactly two friends even capable of reading Charlie Hebdo without the help of a translator of some sort, neither of them having ever publicly expressed interest in the publication.

“This is the predominant form of anti-racist struggle this week,” agreed another white American leftist, one David Finn, a self-described “Pol Potist” from Seattle. “This is basically as important as that time I spent a week calling the forces defending Kobanê sell-outs to US imperialism.”

“Black Lives Matter is so 2015,” said Karen Wong, an “anti-racist activist” and petty bourgeois liberal of some sort from San Francisco. “Back to what really matters: screaming about pop culture from the comfort of my apartment.”

As of press time, the other half of annoying English-speaking Facebook leftists still had French flags and other symbols of the French state displayed as their profile pictures.

Sanders Fans in Shock: SEIU Endorses Clinton

SEIU

WASHINGTON D.C. – Fans of the self-declared “socialist” and “independent” Democratic “candidate” for the 2016 U.S. presidential election, Bernie Sanders, have reacted with shock to the news that the SEIU is endorsing Hillary Clinton for Democratic candidate.

“But, but the SEIU is radical! As radical as Bernie Sanders! And Bernie Sanders wouldn’t endorse Hillary, would he?” said Samuel Horovitz, a member of the CPUSA and part-time communist from Berkeley, California.

Jennifer Payton, a “democratic socialist” and barista from Colorado, agreed: “I don’t understand. Unions are supposed to be socialist, and Bernie Sanders is socialist, and Hillary’s not a socialist.”

Reports of the SEIU’s endorsement have dealt quite a blow to the momentum of the “political revolution” sparked by Bernie Sanders’s declaration “candidacy” for president in 2016. Although Sanders intention is obviously to endorse Clinton himself and provide a “left” excuse for supporting the Democratic Party, his own cult of personality may have gotten out of hand. If he is not declared the vice presidential candidate under Clinton, many Sandernistas have threatened public self-immolation.

“Give us Bernie or give us death!” chanted a group of undergraduate students marching in front of an SEIU office in Manhattan. “Give us Bernie or give us death!”

Analysts initially mostly stated that given that Bernie Sanders was “honest” because unions supported him more than Clinton, now that the exemplary “honest” union organisation of SEIU has endorsed Clinton, Sanders had ceased to be honest and there was no reason to put faith in the 2016 presidential election.

However, many US social democrats, being naïve children (as is natural for Americans and social democrats alike), refused to accept such a bleak assessment of the campaign out of which they had come to expect “political revolution”, and some analysts have since come forward stating that the SEIU is still honest, just like Bernie Sanders, it’s just that Hillary Clinton is MORE honest, and in all likelihood more socialist than her possible running mate, Sanders.

“She’s a feminist, you know.”