ST. PAUL’S, LONDON – The CRA (formerly the CNLA) continues its campaign of bombings directed against celebrity chef Jamie Oliver with a bomb detonated at the Barbecoa restaurant which he was visiting. The bomb, which killed three innocent bystanders and injured at least ten others, failed to claim the life of Jamie Oliver, who had stepped outside, but “probably not even for a fag, as he’s not cool enough to smoke”, according to “Mahire Davies”, the code name of the masked spokeswoman who agreed to meet with our correspondent at an undisclosed location near the attack.
Responding to a question regarding previous statements implying an end to the campaign against Jamie Oliver, our correspondent was sharply rebuked: “What we ended was a campaign against the presence of Jamie Oliver in Kernow. We continue a campaign against his person, whether in Emmetland or anywhere else. We believe that if we can successfully assassinate Jamie Oliver, it will be a propaganda coup for us which will raise our status in the eyes of the Emmets, who probably hate Jamie Oliver more than we do.”
“We will not rest until Jamie Oliver lies dead. We will abandon all our campaigns in Kernow itself and pour all our energy into the extermination of Jamie Oliver. We shall go without sleep, food, and friends to see to it that his filthy blood is spilt.”
“Who among us can live in a world where pure individuals like Ivana Hoffmann are dead and vermin like Jamie Oliver are allowed to live? This is bigger than Kernow. This is bigger than hip-hop.”
The CPGB-ML were quick to insert themselves into the story in their characteristically helpful fashion. Harpal Brar spoke at a hastily-assembled anti-CRA protest in London:
We’re really beginning to get sick of these Celts, declaring themselves nations when there is only one nation on this island, the great British nation, united forever thanks to its shared bourgeois interests, divided not materially by the scientific Marxist-Leninist definition of a nation, but rather idealistically by the opportunistic interests of the bourgeoisies of these supposed nations, bent on distracting their proletariats from class struggle, led by the CPGB-ML.
But it’s one thing to lie about whether or not you exist, and quite another to kill people over that lie. This is dangerous fanaticism, scarcely distinguishable from the mentality of ISIS. Are all Cornish people ISIS sympathisers? We report, you decide.
Jamie Oliver offered his condolences and words of wisdom in response to the incident:
My deepest condolences to the victims of this attack, and all of us at Barbecoa are fully cooperating with the Metropolitan police in the hopes of banging up those behind this malarkey.
I wish to stress to the people of England that we should not get worked up about it all: Most Cornish people are not terrorists, only a few who have corrupted the teachings of Saint Piran. Cornwall is a proper pukka place. Lovely jubbly.
At press time, the CRA had released another statement announcing that “dozens” of Cornish youth had joined up with their campaign in response to Jamie Oliver’s response to the bombing.