Ajamu Baraka: “Land and Freedom NOW!”

Ajamu Baraka

JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI – While Jill Stein’s guerrilla campaign among the Amish people continues to gather steam, she has chosen a new comrade-in-arms, already deeply engaged in struggle in the so-called “Black Belt”, or “New Afrika”: Ajamu Baraka.

“Land and freedom NOW!” screamed Ajamu Baraka to a cheering crowd of supporters in Jackson, Mississippi, who were waving portraits of Chokwe Lumumba and red, black, and green flags. “Afrikans in this country need to stand up and embrace a real revolution: A national democratic revolution for our people on our land, which we worked as slaves and on which we are still third-class citizens!”

The Black radical’s fiery rhetoric did not spare the feelings of white reformist figures from across the mainstream US political spectrum: “Hillary Clinton’s not going to protect you from fascists like Trump, and neither would Bernie Sanders. They’re all loyal servants of imperialism, and our people have got to stand up for ourselves, liberate ourselves, by any means necessary.”

In spite of his closeness to Jill Stein, he emphasised the need to avoid any illusions about the nature of the system against which the Afro-American people are fighting: “It doesn’t really matter to us who the president is, this system is our enemy, and we’ve got to defeat it. Even if Comrade Jill Stein wins, she won’t be able to change the status quo for our people unless we get organised! We’ve got to recognise Yankee imperialism for what it is: A parasitic enemy of oppressed peoples, including us. This country is built on top of our sweat and labour, our blood and tears! And we’re going to liberate it with our blood and sweat, and really free ourselves, once and for all! Now are you with me?”

Reaction to the speech from the crowd was enthusiastic, but the reactions from the broader US Left, including Afro-American radicals, were mixed:

“Ajamu Baraka is a bourgeois nationalist, no matter what he says,” claimed known Hoxhaite and vocal defender of the DPRK (“in spite of its clear revisionism”) Beyoncé Knowles, between songs at her sold-out concert last night: “Black people do need to question the very core of this system, but the road to ‘Black liberation’ is socialist revolution itself. The police are bourgeois police, the KKK were funded by the big bourgeoisie. This entire country is an imperialist centre with the power to hold Black people down because of capitalism: Racism itself is a product of capitalist attempts to divide the workers.”

“Slay, queen!” yelled APL National Spokesperson Alfonso Casal from the side of the stage, waving a Marx-Engels-Lenin-Stalin flag, as pounding electronic drums announced the start of the next song, to which he enthusiastically bounced, singing along to every word.

“That is completely backward,” responded Ray Light of the Revolutionary Organization of Labor at a secret press conference attended predominantly by ICOR-affiliated foreigners. “Most of the facts are correct, but the Afro-American right to liberation is not dependent on a time table of socialist struggle by the proletariat of the oppressor nation. On the contrary, Afro-American national liberation will deal a powerful blow to imperialism, strengthening the hand of the oppressor nation proletariat.”

Following the delivery of this incisive analysis, he threw a smoke bomb into the crowd and disappeared into the night.

Kshama Sawant of Socialist Alternative, stated that “Jill Stein, even without Ajamu Baraka, is herself doing the job of dividing the working class that so resolutely united behind Bernie Sanders during his campaign. The real answer is Kshama Sawant.”

“Kshama Sawant, Kshama Sawant, Kshama Sawant,” she concluded.

Cornel West, friendly uncle of the US Left, stated that he had not “been paying much attention to what he said particularly, I’m just glad that after that awful Bernie Sanders business, me and Brother Ajamu can be friends again.”

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Marxists Returning to their Roots: Lao Tzu

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KUALA LUMPUR – Following weeks of review of the situation on the ground, [REDACTED], the Worker’s Spatula cadre assigned to correspondence from and propaganda in Malaysia, has decided the best way forward is to form a reading group with various Marxist elements in Kuala Lumpur, including jaded former members of Sosialis Alternatif. Their task: To understand the CPM’s errors through the careful reading of foundational Marxist-Leninist texts, such as Capital, What Is to Be Done?, and the Tao Te Ching.

“天地不仁, 以萬物為芻狗: 聖人不仁, 以百姓為芻狗” Taoist priest Wang Ping-Kuei informed our correspondent, in a local temple.

“Uphold the correct line,” he responded, “uphold the correct line.”

“I think the Tao Te Ching is actually quite a good text, in spite of being so metaphysical” opined ex-Sosialis Alternatif member “Amir”. “There’s a lot of value in there about how the individual relates to the world around them, but it seems to put the individual before the world around them. As if the point of relation to the world is to be in harmony with it as an individual, rather than the point of individual action being to bring the world into harmony with people.

“You could say that what it needs is to be turned on its head.”

“I agree,” said Padma Rangarajan. “The emphasis on the transience of things is very good, since any true dialectical thinker should eschew fetishisation and understand things as part of a broader process.”

Response has been so positive that reading group member Cheng Chunhua has recommended other classical Chinese texts that she thinks could aid the group’s understanding of dialectical materialism, including the Zhuangzi, the Huainanzi, and the Analects of Confucius.

As of press time, [REDACTED] reports he has been expelled from the reading group he started for “adventurism”, on recommending Sun Tzu’s “the Art of War”.

FRSO Unites with Socialist Alternative

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CHICAGO – In a monumental blow to the sectarianism which plagues the left in general and the US left in particular, the FRSO (the Belgian one, not the hipster one) and Socialist Alternative have announced the conclusion of their unity talks. As of now, the two organisations have united under the common banner of the Permanent Revolution Front (Marxist-Leninist).

The new organisation intends to participate both in the International Communist Seminar and the Committee for a Workers’ International, as a symbol of uniting the international communist movement against Stalinist degeneracy, and also in defence of actually existing socialism, if only socialism had ever actually existed.

The new organisation’s points of unity include:

-Support for the social democrat Bernie Sanders against his own degenerate line of support for Clinton and the Democratic Party

-Critical support of Afro-Americans getting angry at the police

-Approval of the colour red

The new organisation could not agree whether to end the statement with “workers of the world, unite” or “workers and oppressed peoples of the world, unite”, and thus compromised with “peoples of the work, unite”.

The organisation is expected to split a few hours after press time.

CWI Ruins Everything for Australian Man

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BRISBANE – Men in positions of power unwilling to exercise control over their own dicks have reportedly now destroyed every facet of one man’s Australian childhood.

The country’s Socialist Party has seen a wave of resignations after the organisation was “torn apart by attacks on a woman comrade for coming forward with serious allegations of abuse by a leading male member [sic].”

Brisbane resident Harry Peterson told Worker’s Spatula there was now nothing in Australia left to believe in.

“When I was a kid, you used to have adults around you the whole time you were told you could trust, whether you were a small boy, a young woman or a farmyard animal.”

“You went to Church on Sundays—where you were taught to obey a group of old men on the basis of religious dogma.”

“It was a real shock when I found out it was a hotbed of nonces.”

“After school you went to the Scouts or Boys Brigade—where you were taught to obey a group of old men on the basis of imperialist dogma.”

“That was somewhat less of a shock, I must say.

“And when we were old enough, we joined the CWI, as was the fashion in those days. What could be healthier than going to meetings and selling papers for a group of old men on the basis of Trotskyist dogma?”

“And yet for some reason these powerful men, half-worshipped and apparently untouchable in their own institutions, thought they would get away with sexual abuse.”

Peterson did remember a few instances in his day where members of the central committee had sexually harassed young female comrades.

“Then again, that was usual in those days, wasn’t it? Nothing you wouldn’t have got in the workplace! And what was the CWI but an attempt at reproducing workplace dynamics in politics?”

Was there anything from his childhood that was not now tainted by sexual abuse scandals?

“We liked to put on the radio and listen to the DJs… Umm, no. Saturday morning television. We used to enjoy that. Rolf Harris.”

Mr. Peterson opted not to continue the interview, instead banging his head violently against the wall and screaming.

Campaign to Free Paul Murphy Gaining Momentum

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DUBLIN – Ever since Worker’s Spatula incorrectly and shamefully implied that there was a shortage of Trotskyist political prisoners in the world, CWI activists have been quick to correct this misconception. A particularly heinous instance of the harsh repression of the Trotskyist movement to be found in many countries is that of Paul Murphy, a member of the Irish CWI affiliate Páirtí Sóisialach or “Socialist Party”.

Paul Murphy was arrested in August during a protest in Dublin’s Jobstown district, at which the Gardaí beat him thoroughly and screamed “that one Gramsci quote” at him repeatedly, in English, Italian, and Irish Gaelic. Such is the brutality of the Stalinist police of Dublin.

The IRSP has issued a statement of solidarity with the still-imprisoned Mr. Murphy, who was charged with ten years in prison for his revolutionary activity. “We too know the brutality of the bourgeois justice system, and we will not rest until Paul Murphy is freed.”

Paul Murphy, who has been tweeting regularly from his cell, informed us that he had been tortured several times by the “fascist Free State authorities”. In one such case, he was forced to stand naked before the other prisoners and state that no Trotskyist group had ever carried out a revolution, anywhere in the world, at any time.

While he disputed claims that the series of bombing attacks against police stations in Dublin were carried out by Páirtí Sóisialach’s alleged armed wing, the Permanent Brigades, he likewise refused to condemn the attacks.

“These attacks must be understood in the context of the violence carried out by the state against socialist groups such as my own. If the state really wants peace, as it claims it does, it will sit down for direct negotiations.”

“While I appreciate all the solidarity I’ve received from the outside, and sure, I’ve made a great sacrifice, the revolution isn’t just one man, and it’s not just in one country. Let’s not forget our comrades in Greece, Xekinima, who we all couldn’t shut up about a few months back. They’re still a viable force in Greek politics and an important player in the coming world revolution. Up the CWI!”

At press time, our Dublin correspondent was unable to hear us over our mobile connection due to the massive crowds pushing against the Dublin Gardaí screaming “FREE PAUL MURPHY!” and “FREE ALL POLITICAL PRISONERS!”

Do-Nothing Marxist-Leninist Party Reads Worker’s Spatula

RCPC

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON – Worker’s Spatula, the most revolutionary publication the world over, enjoys popularity unparallelled by any newspaper, website, or newsletter on the Marxist left. From small protests in New York to massive riots in Şırnak to the front of the people’s war in India, Worker’s Spatula is the name that is on every revolutionary’s lips.

So popular is Worker’s Spatula that some parties have even begun to incorporate insights gleaned from the paper into their theoretical study. One such example is the Revolutionary Communist Party of Cascadia, which has added the entirety of Worker’s Spatula’s output to their required reading for members.

“What we enjoy most about Worker’s Spatula is that not only do they share our correct analysis of international politics, but they make fun of all the parties around us who are actually doing shit,” explained ‘Comrade Lucy’, who agreed to be interviewed by us as she changed the RCPC’s Facebook page cover photo from a photo of Mao to one of Pol Pot. “Socialist Alternative, RCPUSA, and some foreign parties we pretend to know shit about, it’s good to see all these parties with some vague connection to everyday politics in their social context lampooned. Frankly, it’s all I read anymore.”

Her Comrade, Dawn ‘Red Dawn’ Wilson, agreed: “Worker’s Spatula gets it, everyone on the left today is basically liberal, and nobody spends enough time defending Stalin, Che, Mao, Jiang Qing, Enver Hoxha, Thomas Sankara, Ho Chi Min, Pol Pot, and North Korea. Defending these dead leaders is much more important than having actual praxis, because any praxis not built upon a solid foundation in anti-revisionism is doomed to failure.”

“Uphold the correct line.”

As the two sat in their party headquarters (the corner table of the cafeteria at Seattle University), exchanging hilarious anti-revisionist memes, we enquired if we could speak to other members of the party.

“Oh for sure,” said ‘Comrade Lucy’. “Our street team, which is to say, Comrade Steve, is usually at the food cart on the corner, handing out our pamphlet, Cascadian Partisan.”

‘Comrade Steve’ was happy to see us, and handed us a copy of Cascadian Partisan, which did indeed contain a quote from a Worker’s Spatula article lampooning Socialist Alternative.

“We hate Socialist Alternative, they’re such opportunists and reformists,” explained ‘Comrade Steve’, as he flicked his cigarette butt on the ground and stepped back on the curb to discuss the finer points of theory, and also to order a plate of halal street meat. “They don’t even uphold the right to self-determination for the Cascadian nation.”

“Cascadia is a nation on the grounds that we think it’d be pretty cool if we seceded from the US. We’d have like, a red base right here in North America. We’d be able to dismantle capitalism by building agrarian communes and shit, like in Cambodia. We’d call it ‘the People’s Democratic Republic of Cascadia’, and our flag would be a black hammer/sickle/Kalashnikov symbol on a red background. Pretty sick, right?”

“You guys should do something about that. Like a piece where you call Socialist Alternative COINTELPRO agents because they’re not helping to raise national consciousness among the Cascadian people.”

“If Socialist Alternative was really serious about revolution, Kshama Sawant would help fight to change the gun laws in Washington so that people 18 and older could purchase a rifle. I’ve saved up, but I’m still waiting until I turn 21.”

“Fuckin’ Trotskyites. They’re good for nothing,” he concluded.

US Maoists Form Cricket League

chairmanofthesixes

NEW YORK – Representatives of the RCPUSA, the Maoist Communist Group, and the NCP-LC have met and announced the formation of the US Maoist Cricket League as part of their efforts to get the average US proletarian interested in people’s wars in South Asia.

“The average American knows very little about South Asia’s rich and vibrant cultures, and their fierce dedication to communist ideology, which reached new heights in its development under Chairman Mao Zedong, himself a top notch batsman. At his prime, he was probably better than Richard Nixon himself,” stated a representative of the Maoist Communist Group, holding aloft a clearly doctored photograph of Mao taking a swing with a cricket bat.

“Mao Zedong, Chairman of the Sixes.”

The league intends to hold regular limited overs matches every weekend throughout the year in various cities across the country. In addition to the actual match, the US Maoist groups will take turns giving lectures on South Asian Maoist groups they admire or to which they have links. “We won the drawing of lots, so we’ll be going first,” said a representative of the RCPUSA. “It works out great for us because we’re gonna talk about the CCP(Maoist), but we’re just going to talk about them talking about Bob Avakian. New Synthesis, motherfuckers!”

The Revolutionary Organization of Labor, USA has offered “critical support” to the formation of the league: “As is known, we’re not too keen on the Cultural Revolution. The league’s ‘points of unity’, however, include ‘upholding the correct line of Chairman Mao Zedong, architect of the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution, the height of actual communist practice,’ right after a line that just says ‘BOOM BOOM AFRIDI!’.

“It ought to be pretty clear that on those grounds, we simply can’t join as full members. However, it does seem like a good way to reach out to the Afro-Caribbean community, so we do intend to show up and hand out our newsletter outside, and see if we can negotiate a presentation about Indian ICOR members at some point.”

Polls indicate that a vanishingly small minority of US citizens are interested in learning about cricket at all, let alone joining a cricket league run by Maoists. However, immigrants from countries which are full ICC members, and South Asian immigrants in particular, have shown a cautious interest in the inaugural match in Queens.

“The thing is, they’re very bad at playing cricket,” explained Gurdal Singh, a local restaurateur from India’s Punjab province. “Just, truly awful. You would think that they could apply some of what they know of baseball, but no.”

His friend Ahmed Sharif agreed: “It is like watching a sport abortion. I thank God that our people did not emerge from British rule like this, fat and flabby and unable to play cricket.”

Pradhan Joshi, a Nepali shop owner, agreed: “We have a saying in Nepal: Unlucky in cricket, unlucky in people’s war. This lot will never succeed in a people’s war. In Nepal we had years of people’s war, I know what it takes. These Americans are out of shape, they lack discipline. They think they can go up to the mountains for months and years? When I suggested they try a five-day test match next summer one of them told me: ‘fuck that.’”

Reaction from South Asia has been more positive. “In spite of all divisions in the international Maoist movement, in spite of the objective weakness of revolutionaries in the imperialist United States, we take this as a sign of hope for international revolution. If cricket can unite the world, Maoism is surely next!” read a statement by the CPI(Maoist), who have reportedly celebrated the formation of the league by bombing a “bourgeois” cricket stadium.

CWI affiliate Socialist Movement Pakistan agreed: “In spite of our opposition to Maoism and Maoists, we support the news that Americans suddenly care about cricket for any reason, and we believe that more cricket in the United States will strengthen internationalist feelings of solidarity between South Asians and the goras.”

Other Maoist groups around the world have been less positive. A joint statement was released by the TKP/ML and MKP of Turkey/North Kurdistan:

“First of all, nothing with Bob Avakian involved in it can be a good idea. We learnt this the hard way. Secondly, what do you think you’re doing? This isn’t mass line at all. What you’ve done is taken something that you’re engaged in because you’re a Maoist, and tried to present it to the masses to make them Maoists. This is idealist in the extreme. What, would you have us go to Turkish villages with plates of curry and try to make the villagers Maoist that way?”

A representative of the NCP-LC responded: “See, that’s how we can tell they don’t have very good curry in Istanbul. I became a Maoist specifically because curry is so delicious.”

SELF-CRITICISM: The authors were previously unaware that after the split of NCP-LC from NCP(OC), the rump NCP(OC) renamed itself the Maoist Communist Group. A commenter alerted us of this, and the piece has been edited to reflect this reality. We have the Marxist-Leninist weapon of criticism and self-criticism. We can get rid of a bad style and keep the good. 

David Harvey Detained at Istanbul airport

davidharveyISTANBUL – We have received shocking news that renowned Marxist professor and world famous stunt man in each and every Karl Marx action movie David Harvey has been detained at Istanbul’s Sabiha Gökçen Airport. Our local correspondent received a statement by the Turkish authorities accusing him of being the leader of not one but a whole range of illegal leftist groups. This follows news earlier this year that the Turkish authorities determined that Rosa Luxemburg and Clara Zetkin were members of the outlawed PKK after the Kurdish women’s movement printed their pictures on some of their banners for International Working Women’s Day.

Regarding the Harvey case a representative of the office of President Erdoğan stated: “You know, we had long wondered who that formidably bearded old man was that so many leftists seem to cherish. He was all over their books, their magazines, their banners. MİT worked night and day without success, but thanks to one outstanding officer at Sabiha Gökçen Airport, we were finally able to identify and detain him. This is a very important step for our country and its security.”

HPG leader Murat Karayılan issued a statement in support of Harvey from Kandil: “As you know, we are now currently under intense aerial bombardment by the Turkish state. Thankfully, the Turkish state’s intelligence is so weak that although I’m the target, I personally am not in any real danger. Actually we found some leaflets dropped by the Turkish state while they were bombing civilians stating that if they can’t kill our leadership by their bombing campaign, they’re hoping we’ll get bored to death. I mostly spend my free time reading some of Harvey’s books. Great theory, I like his exposition of the circuits of capital. The Turkish state has him, eh? Is he going to meet Apo? Lucky bastard.”

After Karayılan was informed that Harvey was detained on account of Turkish officials having confused him with Karl Marx, he responded with only mild surprise: “Oh, they confused him with Karl Marx? See, that’s the kind of idiots we’re dealing with here. At least before the AKP the Turkish state were clever fascists, look at what they’ve been reduced to.”

Harvey has received messages of solidarity from Marxists around the world. In one curious case, the ISO retracted their initial solidarity for Harvey after discovering his staunch support for the PYD in Rojava. “We call on the Stalinist tankie crypto-fascist Harvey to shut up about the stupid Kurds and talk about the real revolution in Syria: The FSA, and whatever it’s up to lately.”

MLPD leader Stefan Engel was at the airport around the same time Harvey was detained, on his way back to Germany from his Istanbul holiday, which has been extensively covered by embedded journalists of the party newspaper of Dutch ICOR affiliate Rode Morgen. Engel immediately posted this website to his personal website, along with some extremely flattering photos of the MLPD leader skinny-dipping on a Turkish beach: “This is just further proof of the absolute truth and validity of the political line of the MLPD. We are always where true revolutionaries have to be. We are in full support of Harvey’s support of Rojava. I haven’t read any of his books, but I suppose there is nothing for someone like me to learn from them. You have read my books, right?”

UPDATE: We have received information that Turkish officials have accepted the fact that David Harvey is not Karl Marx. However, a spokesperson for the Turkish Police announced that they were still not convinced of Harvey’s innocence. “Yeah, ok, so he may not be that guy with the white beard, what was his name again? Markus Merk? Oh that’s the commentator on Lig TV? Whatever, a German’s a German. And even if that’s not him, that’s no proof of his innocence. He has spoken at book fairs in Diyarbakır and Mardin. Diyarbakir and Mardin! Do I have to say any more?”

Trotskyist Dating Site Launched

TrotHotSpot
LOS ANGELES – With a limited budget and a busy schedule, the average leftist has great difficulty staying competitive in the dating scene. For Trotskyists, the situation is bleaker still, as the risk of being set up on a date with someone who isn’t a Trotskyist, and is therefore a “Stalinist”, is pretty high.

Los Angeles technical support operator and ISO member Jessica Stone believes her new website, “TrotHotSpot”, could provide physical and emotional companionship for thousands of Trotskyists around the world.

“I wanted to make sure it was properly inclusive, so we have write-in slots for gender and sexuality, with a pretty extensive list of pronouns other users will see when you message them. I also wanted to make sure all the various Trotskyist tendencies were included, except the Pabloites. Pabloites will be pur… er, I mean… expelled from the site.”

Over the course of a mere 48 hours, over 10,000 confirmed accounts have been registered, representing the spectrum of  Trotskyism from Solidarity (US) to ICL(FI), better known as “the Sparts.”

“Yeah, we try to keep the Sparts well behaved.” Stone told us. “We expel them from the site if they send more than 10 accusations of being a “fake Marxist” to a single user in the space of five minutes.”

“So yeah, we’ve expelled almost every single Spart who’s joined the site so far.”

Concerns are already surfacing about unethical use of the site. A Chicago user named “TrotThot” has reportedly been offering sexual favours in return for newspaper sales. A sample message reads, in part: “I’ll do anything non-penetrative in exchange for a paper sale, anything penetrative is gonna cost you a subscription.”

Further, users on the 8chan board /leftypol/, a known Hoxhaite breeding ground, have been openly discussing plans to hack the site’s database to retrieve the personal information of users whose profile pictures suspiciously resemble the visages of Bob Avakian and Jason Unruhe. Stone responded:

“I completely understand these concerns. I mean, even for Bob Avakian or Jason Unruhe, it would be pretty embarrassing for everyone to find out that you talk to Trotskyists. We are working around the clock to heighten site security. We want security concerns for our users to be as low as those of actual Trotskyist parties in the United States.”

But the popularity of the site is so explosive that /leftypol/’s hacking efforts may be redundant. Communist Party of Canada (Marxist-Leninist) president Sandra L. Smith publicly admitted to having registered an account.

“Yeah, I’m a dominatrix, and while I have a very satisfying sex life within the Montréal S&M scene, it’s hard to find someone who wants to sub as my ice axe attack victim. I’m hoping through this site I can find someone.”

With Marxist-Leninists joining the site, it’s no surprise that famous Trotskyists would as well: Seattle City Council member Kshama Sawant reports already having found love on the site, having been matched with her own duplicate account. A wedding is to take place before the next Seattle City Council election. “I love myself very much, and you should love me too”, she informed Worker’s Spatula, when asked for comment.

Asked if he had any plans to join the site, MLPD Leader and winner of the “Best Dressed” award at his high school prom for three consecutive years Stefan Engel responded: “What do I need a dating site for? Haven’t you seen my homepage?”