News in Brief: Eid Edition

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İSTANBUL – Following the AKP’s traditional crackdown on LGBT groups in Turkey, Devrimci Parti have released their traditional Eid/Bayram/Cejn message, which includes the traditional condemnation of ÖDP as anti-Kurdish chauvinists.

TEHRAN – Communists across Iran are enjoying a relaxing Eid of reading uncritical defences of the Iranian regime by foreign Marxists whose ideology puts them at no personal risk, as it does in Iran.

JAFFA – Palestinian Muslims are transitioning from a Ramadan of being mocked by the Zionist media for fasting, to the rest of the year, where they are mocked by the Zionist media for everything else except fasting.

SARAJEVO – Svaki dan je Ramazan, i svaki drot je namazan. Svaki čovjek ima prazen džep: ovaj Balkan je ljudi stvoren za rep.

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Worker’s Spatula Ayatollah Clarifies Acts Prohibited During Ramadan Fast

Ramadan

BAGHDAD – During his traditional start-of-Ramadan address, Grand Ayatollah Hussein al-Sibatula has reiterated the importance of the Ramadan fast to communists around the world, and in particular the importance for the anti-revisionist faithful in refraining from all forbidden acts.

“No sex, which you shouldn’t be having even outside of Ramadan, unless you want to end up like the Iraqi Communist Party. No masturbation, intellectual or sexual, even after sunset. Obviously no food or drink, until the adhan sounds and it is time to feast upon bream and masgouf.

“No leather shoes,” added Ayatollah al-Sibatula, lest anyone forget.

“May Allah shower blessings upon those who complete the fast successfully,” the learned cleric continued to the assembled Bolshevik crowd. “Many of you will be in Sinjar, with the Yezidis, who will not be fasting. If you persevere, inşallah all your deviations of the past year will be forgiven.

“Naturally Ramadan is not only about the fast. It is a time for reflection on Allah’s mercy and the teachings in the Holy Qur’an and the writings of Vladimir Lenin. When Allah revealed His truth to our prophets, He knew that we would be tested. He tests us with the Ramadan fast, just as He tests us with the followers of Muawiyah, Trotsky, and Tito. But in the face of all these tests, we must be pure, in obedience to Allah. Purify your bodies, but also purify your minds, and your practice. Do not slander, do not backbite. Do not deviate to the left, or to the right. Do not engage in voluntarism, sectarianism, or opportunism.

“Whosoever can make it through all of Ramadan without speaking ill of the other three Worker’s Spatula organisations will be forgiven for all the dumb satire they have written, and their organisation will be blessed with many new and disciplined cadre.

“As Allah has willed, you have all made your niyyah. May Allah accept each and every one of your fasts, and may your newspapers be widely read. May the dialectic resolve all contradictions in your favour, and may the workers and oppressed peoples of the world unite.”

“Amin,” responded the gathered communists, reverently, before standing and shuffling out of the mosque, the cleric’s words weighing heavily on their minds for the rest of the day.

Allah bütün oruç tutanların orucunu kabul etsin. –Worker’s Spatula

Erkan Baş Speech Briefly Interrupted by Splitters

Erkan

İSTANBUL/STEMBOL – As Erkan Baş, the leader of the Communist Party of Turkey (also known as HTKP), took to the stage at the International Workers’ Day celebration in Bakırköy (Kurdish: Gundê Bekir), a group of neo-Trotskyite splitters from the TKP calling themselves “KP” began jeering at TÖPG’s favourite Brezhnevite, doubtless driven by jealousy of Erkan Baş’s formidable moustache.

“This is truly unacceptable,” explained leader of the KP pack and occasional reader of Nazım Hikmet poetry Emre Tokatçı to an EMEP-affiliated* Worker’s Spatula correspondent in attendance. “We only came because we thought we were going to be the centre of attention. If anyone is going to mention any other communists in Turkey, we’re going home.”

Following the completion of this sentence, all assembled KP members indeed began marching home, to the comfort of the Nazım Hikmet Kültür Merkezi in Ali Suavi Sk. (AKA Sanatçılar Sokağı) in Kadıköy.

For our foreign readers, the NHKM is a magical place where nobody ever mentions Kurds or popular fronts or any other such right deviationist nonsense.

By sheer coincidence, this move to abandon the International Workers’ Day celebration also meant that KP avoided any confrontation with the fascist Turkish police whatsoever.

The KP’s sister party in Greece, KKE, responded immediately with a statement condemning the entire Turkish left for “failing to defend KP, at a time when the sharpest and clearest contradiction in Turkish society is the defence of Kemal Okuyan”.

The Turkish Ministry of the Interior has issued a statement encouraging all young communists who insist on wasting their time with “that nonsense” to side with KP against all rivals (whether HTKP, TKP 1920, or KP-İÖ, if they still exist). The Turkish Foreign Ministry, meanwhile, has issued a statement encouraging all foreigners to simply ignore the whole affair, and indeed, anything that is not printed in an official AKP-approved press release.

*ESP and Devrimci Parti were mostly embedded in the fight for Taksim.