Point/Counterpoint: Yelling About Hegel

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The First Annual Clandestine Worker’s Spatula Marxist Theory Symposium and Dance-a-Thon was held at an undisclosed part of York University campus in Toronto, Canada last night. Attendees who arrived thanks to secret invitations came from locations as diverse as Australia, China, Turkey, India, and Argentina to debate topics ranging from economics to gender politics to philosophy.

The highlight of the evening, according to all in attendance, was the debate on “Yelling About Hegel”, which consisted of York University’s own J. Moufawad Paul, who swiped the keys to get us all into the [REDACTED] building, and a Worker’s Spatula representative who is hot for Hegel. What follows is a 100% factual and 100% accurate transcript, and if J. Moufawad Paul seeks to object in any way, we can only assume his account has been hacked by the Russians, as is traditional in North America.

Moderator: Well, I see we have a packed room for this panel. Expected, I suppose, because if there’s one thing that draws the big crowds, it’s heated arguments about Hegel. You all know the rules: each participant is permitted to yell until they run out of breath, at which point the other begins yelling until they run out of breath. If I start yelling, everyone else has to stop yelling until I finish what I’m saying. The debate is over when somebody flips the table like TİKB did during the Toblerone conference in London. Any preliminary, non-yelled remarks from either of you?

WS: First of all, since we’re going to be yelling about Hegel, I want to give a shout-out to Arif Çelebi. Secondly, on behalf of all of our cadre taking part in the Ramadan fast, I wanted to thank J. Moufawad-Paul for his thoughtful choice of bream for this evening’s iftar. He has been nothing if not a gracious host to us, and has made me personally rethink my prejudiced view that all white settler-colonial English Canadians are hypocritical liberal scum.

JMP: Please, comrade. I also love bream. But I’m glad that I could prove that not all individuals from settler-colonial Canadian society are roughly as culturally sensitive as Justin Trudeau, if not to his right. I hope that this event will be the first in many occasions for meaningful exchange between revolutionary trends across the world. By the way, is there any chance you’d like to accept that Maoism is the third and hi…

Moderator: …AND WITH THAT, WE’RE OFF! START YELLING!

JMP: Oh, is it… is it time for me to start yelling? Okay: WHERE DO I BEGIN? MY POSITION IS ALMOST TOO OBVIOUS: HEGEL IS AN IDEALIST PHILOSOPHER, AND THE REPEATED IMPLICATION BY WORKER’S SPATULA THAT HEGEL IS ON PAR WITH MARX WAS ALWAYS INTERPRETED AS A JOKE UP UNTIL THIS POINT. IS IT ACTUALLY WORKER’S SPATULA’S POSITION THAT, AND I QUOTE, “MARXISM-LENINISM, MORE LIKE HEGELIANISM-LENINISM, AMIRITE?”?(?)

WS: YEAH SURE, WHY NOT? I’M NOT GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE FOR SAYING THAT. YOU CAN’T BE A MARXIST WITHOUT HEGEL. IT’S NOT A FUCKING COINCIDENCE THAT EVERY MODERN REVISIONIST YOU TALK TO CAN’T SUMMARISE THE UNIVERSAL MOTION OF DIALECTICS ON EVEN THE MOST BASIC LEVEL. YOU CAN’T JUST IGNORE DIALECTICS AS A MARXIST.

JMP: I NEVER SAID DIALECTICS WASN’T AN ESSENTIAL PART OF THE MARXIST WORLDVIEW, I WROTE A FUCKING DIAMAT MANUAL. BUT IN THE DIALECTICAL INTERPLAY BETWEEN BEING AND CONSCIOUSNESS, THE BEING IS PRIMARY, AND HEGEL’S SHORTCOMING WAS PRECISELY IN HIS FAILURE TO GRASP THIS.

WS: DID HEGEL MAKE MISTAKES? OF COURSE HE DID. IN SO LONG A PERIOD FILLED WITH HEROISM, TRIALS, STRUGGLE, TRIUMPHS, IT IS INEVITABLE NOT ONLY FOR HEGEL PERSONALLY BUT ALSO FOR GERMAN IDEALISM AS A WHOLE TO MAKE MISTAKES.

MODERATOR: FOUL! No paraphrasing Enver Hoxha or Mao Zedong quotes defending Stalin! That joke is for Twitter only.

WS: Sorry, force of habit.

MODERATOR: That’s fine, just try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. JMP? Can we get your word that you won’t do the same?

JMP: Hey, I never do that anyway.

MODERATOR: Very well. Comrade, would you like to yell a more original and substantial response?

WS: LENIN SAID “INTELLIGENT IDEALISM IS CLOSER TO INTELLIGENT MATERIALISM THAN STUPID MATERIALISM”. WE CAN’T GO THE DIRECTION WHERE WE PAINT HEGEL AS AN ENEMY OF MARXISM!

JMP: I’M A FUCKING PHILOSOPHY PROFESSOR! I THINK PEOPLE SHOULD READ HEGEL, AND I’VE READ HEGEL, AND I’VE TAUGHT HEGEL! I KNOW FULL WELL ALL THE WAYS HEGEL IS MISREPRESENTED, BUT MARX EXPLICITLY IDENTIFIES HEGELIAN DIALECTICS AS BEING DEFICIENT IN ITS IDEALISM, AND THE ANTI-REVISIONIST TRADITION IS REPLETE WITH BREAKS FROM HEGELIANISM AS SUCH, JUST AS MODERN REVISIONISM IS REPLETE WITH BREAKS WITH DIALECTICS AS SUCH.

DIALECTICS IS NOT SIMPLY DEFINED AS HEGELIANISM. THE FACT THAT IN THE MILIEU OF GERMAN IDEALISM A CERTAIN LANGUAGE EMERGED THAT WAS USEFUL FOR MARX IS NOT SOMETHING ANYONE HERE DENIES. THE ISSUE IS THAT YOU COULD JUST KEEP GOING BACK WITH THAT: DO WE NEED KANT TO UNDERSTAND HEGEL?

WS: LENIN ALSO SAID: “IT IS IMPOSSIBLE COMPLETELY TO UNDERSTAND MARX’S CAPITAL, AND ESPECIALLY ITS FIRST CHAPTER, WITHOUT HAVING THOROUGHLY STUDIED AND UNDERSTOOD THE WHOLE OF HEGEL’S LOGIC. CONSEQUENTLY, HALF A CENTURY LATER NONE OF THE MARXISTS UNDERSTOOD MARX!!” DID HE EVER SAY THAT SHIT ABOUT KANT?

MODERATOR: FUCKING FOUL! That’s two quotes from Lenin talking about Hegel in a row! Stop relying on Lenin to make your argumentation. JMP, your turn to yell.

JMP: LENIN IS NOT AN INFALLIBLE SOURCE FOR UNDERSTANDING THE MARXIST METHOD! I HALF-EXPECTED YOU TO QUOTE ENGELS NEXT. AS I ARGUE IN MY BOOK, WHICH YOU’D KNOW IF YOU READ IT, I AM NOT ONLY AGAINST VULGAR MATERIALISM AND PSEUDO DIALECTICS, BUT ALSO AGAINST IDEALIST DIALECTICS IN THE FORM OF “PURE HEGELIANISM”, EVEN AS FOUND IN MARXISM! THIS WAS MAO’S FUNDAMENTAL BREAKTHROUGH: THE NEGATION OF THE NEGATION IS ITSELF A FORM OF IDEALISM!

WS: Yeah, the SMF said the same thing when asked about the Abstrakt piece about Maoist dialectics.

JMP: The SMF?

WS: They’re supposedly a front for the [REDACTED].

JMP: Ah. Well, you see? MLMs.

MODERATOR: You’re not yelling.

JMP: WHETHER OR NOT THE NEGATION OF THE NEGATION IS A HEGELIAN CONCEPT THAT HAS NO PLACE IN MARXISM OR NOT, IT’S NOT THE CASE THAT A KNOWLEDGE OF HEGEL ALONE IS A THEORETICAL DEFENCE FROM REVISIONISM: ŽIŽEK IS A FINE CONTEMPORARY EXAMPLE, HE DEFENDS THE RATIONAL CORE OF HEGELIANISM AS A BASIS FOR MARXIST THOUGHT MORE STRONGLY THAN ANYONE, MORE THAN YOU EVEN, AND YET HE ALSO DEVIATES CONSTANTLY TO THE RIGHT, YOU DON’T NEED ME TO LIST ALL OF HIS ERRORS, YOU’VE MOCKED HIS IDIOCY MORE THAN ALMOST ANYONE.

AND WITHIN ACTUALLY EXISTING SOCIALISM: MANY OF THE CAPITALIST-ROADERS DEFENDED A SORT OF CONSERVATIVE HEGELIANISM, A “RIGHT HEGELIANISM”. HELL, THE FACT THAT YOU EVEN FREQUENTLY EMPLOY THE TERM “LEFT HEGELIANISM” IS A TELL: YOU’RE FULLY AWARE HOW FORMAL HEGELIANISM CAN BE REACTIONARY, JUST AS YOU MUST AGREE THAT THE THEORETICALLY UNDEVELOPED MOTION OF THE MASSES HAS A GREATER REVOLUTIONARY POTENTIAL THAN ANY THEORY NOT APPLIED IN PRACTICE!

WS: FINALLY WE GET TO THE MEAT OF THE MATTER! FIRSTLY: IT’S DEFINITELY TRUE THAT THERE ARE RIGHT HEGELIANS AND THAT OPPORTUNISM AND REACTION HAVE BEEN AIDED BY PEOPLE WHO FORMALLY DEFENDED HEGEL WITHIN REVOLUTIONARY CONTEXTS, BUT WOULD YOU REALLY ARGUE THAT MAO’S CAPITALIST-ROADER OPPONENTS HAD A FIRM GRASP ON DIALECTICS, IDEALIST OR OTHERWISE, GIVEN THAT THEIR FUNDAMENTAL AIM WAS TO CONCEAL RATHER THAN REVEAL CONTRADICTIONS?

REGARDLESS, THIS IS THE SAME AS TRYING TO BRUSH ASIDE MARX BY POINTING OUT THAT OVER 90% OF FORMALLY DECLARED MARXISTS ARE CHARLATANS, FRAUDS, SCOUNDRELS, RENEGADES, AND OTHER INSULTS LENIN WOULD’VE USED. OUR DEFENCE OF MARXISM AS A METHOD AGAINST FORMALIST APPROPRIATIONS OF MARXISM, EITHER IN THE FORM OF A WORSHIP OF ICONOGRAPHY OR A SORT OF RELIGIOUS TEXTUALISM MASQUERADING AS ACADEMIC MARXISM: THIS IS FUNDAMENTALLY THE SAME AS OUR DEFENCE OF HEGELIANISM, WHICH AGAIN, WE CLAIM IT IS NO COINCIDENCE WAS MARX’S PRIMARY POINT OF THEORETICAL REFERENCE.

THIRDLY, YOU MAKE REFERENCE TO THE MASSES: WE DEFINITELY AGREE THAT THERE MUST BE A DIALECTICAL PROCESS BETWEEN MASS AND ORGANISATION, THAT AN ORGANISATION WHICH FAILS TO UNDERSTAND ITS SUBJECTIVE AND OBJECTIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE MASSES CAN NEVER BE REVOLUTIONARY, BUT THE VERY FACT OF BUILDING SUCH AN ORGANISATION IS A SUBJECTIVE MANIFESTATION OF TRYING TO DEVELOP A REVOLUTIONARY THEORY WHICH, I PRESUME YOU WOULD ALSO AGREE, IN THE FINAL INSTANCE IS A NECESSITY FOR TRULY REVOLUTIONARY PRACTICE!

SO: IF WE DEFEND HEGEL IN TERMS OF A THEORETICAL BASIS, IT IS NOT BECAUSE WE ARE “IDEALISTS”, ANY MORE THAN YOU ARE FOR DEFENDING “MAOIST DIALECTICS”, OUR ARGUMENT IS THAT TO DEVELOP A CORRECT THEORETICAL LINE, WE NEED BOTH A MATERIAL ENGAGEMENT AND A FIRM GRASP ON WHAT DIALECTICS IS!

JMP: BUT YOUR ARGUMENT ON THE DEFINITION OF DIALECTICS IS BASED ENTIRELY ON HEGEL SIMPLY BECAUSE OF A FORMAL COMMITMENT TO HEGEL’S HISTORICAL ROLE WITHIN THE GERMAN PHILOSOPHICAL TRADITION AT THE POINT OF MARX’S WRITING!

Tragically, the debate was cut short at this juncture when a DHKP-C guerrilla who had infiltrated the symposium began firing a small handgun into the air and screaming: “FEUERBACH ÜZERİNE 11. TEZ!” over and over again whilst the entire crowd fled the room to retrieve their own weapons.

UPDATE: J. Moufawad-Paul has agreed to continue the discussion in an even more private location with the proceedings to be published later this Ramadan. Worker’s Spatula would like to apologise as usual on behalf of the Turkish left for the Mahircis being so goddamned Mahirci all the time.

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Humourless Marxist Reviews: Star Wars: The Last Jedi

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CW: Spoilers, accusations of “narodnism”

In a brazen cash grab following the massive success of the third and final installment in the Star Wars trilogy, George Lucas has seen fit to produce a sequel entitled “The Last Jedi”. Rumours already abound that this may be the beginning of a new sequel trilogy (which, since the entire thing takes place “a long time ago”, is more properly termed a “prequel”).

Due to overwhelming demand, Worker’s Spatula have dispatched their finest EMEP-affiliated film critics to determine the political character of this new War in the Star.

We are sad to report that contrary to the rumours, this film is not Marxist-Leninist propaganda, which frankly is the least you can ask from your science fiction. Progressive? Perhaps, but with grave organisational shortcomings that, among Marxist-Leninists such as ourselves, we should not shy away from criticising.

Are the forces of the New Order arch-reactionaries, imperialists, and fascists? Without any doubt. Is the struggle of the Resistance against them right? It is right, and the audience is right to identify with it. But can we avoid mentioning the scene where a distress signal was sent out, and no one answered Leia’s call? Should this not have been a sign to our heroes that they had been outmanoeuvred by the enemy? Read the Art of War, Leia.

But Leia’s mistakes as commander are not limited to particular moments of miscalculation or desperation: the general lack of training and discipline is apparent from the reckless decisions her individual troops take. Whether it’s Finn or Joe Pomeranian, the men of the Resistance get to pose themselves as heroes by carrying out great acts of revenge on their foe, but only by continuously taking adventurist risks that are responsible for great losses for their own organisation! No rigorous process of criticism and self-criticism greets these wayward comrades, merely verbal warnings and demotions. How long is the Resistance to last if it takes such a laissez-faire attitude towards discipline, training, and tactics?

Even the women of the resistance, who are notably more sober-minded, have yet to articulate a coherent overall strategy. Nowhere in the film is the overall tactical line of the Resistance mentioned, instead we are treated to Mao Zedong’s quote that “a single spark can start a prairie fire”, repeated over and over again by all the main characters in unison as they stare into the camera for a period of twenty minutes. Maddening.

Rey O’Light travels to the Dagoba system to meet with Luke Skywalker, who obviously represents Enver Hoxha, and stays with him in a mountain bunker where they condemn the failings of the Jedi Council, a clear stand-in for the Soviet Union, in brutally critical terms befitting the post-Cold War reality that we as Marxist-Leninist revolutionaries face. This was the only good scene, and even it was ruined by the rampant idealism we already mentioned in our first review.

But then even she, the supposedly most theoretically advanced figure in the Resistance, doesn’t listen to Enver Skywalker and runs off to face Darth What’s-His-Name in the Death Star or whatever, and kills Emperor Palpatine with him, only so that a new ruling clique led by Darth Who’s-It can emerge! Stop trying to abolish things without abolishing the conditions that led to those things! Anarchism! Narodnism! Adventurism! Wookieism!

All of these critiques are not to say that we do not fully defend the role the Resistance is playing. But the very dangerous objective conditions which these political subjects face require that we soberly take account of the facts. The Resistance can win its space war, and it can win by recognising the leading role of the space proletariat, and engaging in a diversity of space tactics to align all the progressive space forces against the space class enemies whose space exploitation and space oppression are the actual material basis for Captain McBadguy or Darth Kyle or whatever his name is.

The film, to its credit, actually spends a great deal of time portraying the sympathy of the working class to the Resistance, and if our narodnik heroes can unite their military manoeuvres with the organic trends of the proletariat, we are confident that socialism can be achieved in one more film, without having to sit through a half-dozen more of these.

Please George Lucas, stop sending these brave young people on suicide missions. Don’t be DHKP/C. These are human beings whose lives are being thrown out in a galaxy far, far away thanks to your adventurism. Orient the Resistance line towards the proletariat now. Do it for your old friends at the Spatula.

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News in Brief: February 1st 2017

Bidhya Devi Bhandari

KATHMANDU – A new Nepali constitution was introduced this week, which accidentally included the abolition of the institution of marriage: “I honestly cannot tell you how this happened,” said President Bidhya Devi Bhandari, when reached for comment by our Malaysian correspondent. “We’ve all been so distracted by foreign policy that I couldn’t even tell you where this latest proposal for rewriting the constitution originated. Maybe I did it? Maybe the Maoists? Somebody’s got to answer for this.”

Prime Minister Pushpa Kamal Dahal, better known as “Prachaveli”, strongly repudiated the claim in a televised interview conducted from his mansion: “I remember when the proposal first came up in parliament. It was the Trotskyites who proposed a new constitution. It’s always the Trotskyites, with their wrecking.

“I’m personally furious. What Maoist could oppose marriage, an institution in which our Chairprophet was an enthusiastic participant?”

İZMİR – Local DHKP-C cadres had a bit too much to drink last night, and announced themselves loudly as members to the police at the İZBAN, who proceeded to beat them silly, much to the horror of lookers-on.

Foreign sympathisers of the gun-wielding equivalent of the ÖDP are expected to get extremely drunk and provoke local police in solidarity. Haklılar, kazanacaklar.

First Foreign Production of Hamilton a Hit

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ANTAKYA, PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF HATAY – The atmosphere was tense at the sell-out premiere tonight of the first-ever foreign production of the Broadway hit Hamilton in Antakya in southern Turkey (more specifically in the de facto independent People’s Republic of Hatay). Worker’s Spatula’s local correspondent and TÖPG militant, [REDACTED], received a special invitation from director Cem Karagün to see how the magic was made:

WS: You must be very excited to have brought this musical to Turkey. What inspired you to do it?

CK: Well, after we heard it had played such an important role in taking down the Obama government, it was a natural next step to bring it here and see if it could do the same thing.

WS: I see. So how did you manage to get hold of the rights?

CK: Our next step was to ask our sister organisation in the US to help us out. They found out that one of the cleaners at the theatre was a member of a Trotskyite sect, but rather than have him ice-axed, they traded him a newspaper subscription for copies of the script and sheet music.

WS: And how have the people of Armutlu responded to the musical?

CK: We’ve had an overwhelming response, really. From the moment that Hamilton witnesses the glories of Castro’s revolution in Cuba as a child. to his shooting in the back by the imperialists during a kind of Communist version of the Sheikh Said rebellion, people are jumping out of their seats and ululating. Before you know it, they had stormed a nearby police station and were passing the weapons out to anyone who would take them – and this is just the first night.

WS: It’s fair to say you’ve made a few tweaks to adjust the musical to the local political culture?

CK: Well yes, of course. People here don’t really respond particularly well to extended discussions about constitutional matters, but they did appreciate the insistence that armed struggle and revolution were the solution to contemporary problems. So we adjusted it to focus on that point.

WS: Some here have found the inclusion of a rapping Asian-American Mahir Çayan to be controversial.

CK: That’s the best bit.

WS: Well, congratulations on your successful transfer of the musical, wishing you many successes!

CK: Long live the popular front and the revolution! Long live President Assad! Long live Hamilton!

Congratulations to Our Comrade on His Wedding!

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SİVAS – Worker’s Spatula would like to extend our warmest and most comradely congratulations to our comrade, [REDACTED], on his wedding to his bride in Sivas. Coming from France and having localised himself in Turkey thanks to local EMEP cadres, [REDACTED] met his bride, who comes from a respectable Sivaslı MHP family, at a protest in Ankara.

The wedding was spectacular, with a massive red cake chosen to please both EMEP and MHP attendees. The father-in-law approached [REDACTED] to inform him that the red in the cake clearly symbolised the blood of the Turkish people shed for independence. [REDACTED] politely agreed, adding under his breath: “and the Albanian people, too”.

[REDACTED], who is a known atheist and opponent of all organised religion (and like most French, hates Islam in particular) nonetheless converted to Islam in order to please the in-laws. He has submitted to Worker’s Spatula democratic centralism and accepted to impose Ja’fari Shi’ism on any future children.

All guests in attendance were given a free copy of the latest edition of Evrensel, as is traditional in Turkey.

At the wedding, other Worker’s Spatula cadres were able to connect with the masses and socialise over Albanian folk dances. Both the bride’s side (her family) and the groom’s side (the central committee of EMEP) had come to an agreement that having halay at the wedding would essentially constitute an endorsement of terrorism.

[REDACTED] was at one point spotted far from his bride, joyously clicking wooden spoons together as he danced and sang along with the sound system: “BİZE HER YOL PARİS DEĞIL, LA BİZE HER YER ANGARA!”

A young EMEP member from Ankara spoke to one of our correspondents, excitedly telling him that attending the wedding was the most radical political action he had taken part in since Gezi: “Normally we just go to the weddings of the children of our members in Yenimahalle. But this is so exciting here, there’s even fascists. I have been asking all of them if they are workers, and if so, if they plan on becoming a member of the labour aristocracy.”

As everyone in attendance agreed that 100% of Albanians and %100 of Turks are Muslims, a common prayer of EMEP and MHP supporters was held. A Halk Cephesi sympathiser from Nurtepe who had taken the wrong bus and mistook the red wedding cake for the party-front flag took the opportunity to quietly extract himself from the wedding hall.

Worker’s Spatula elected to give one collective gift to the young couple. Both the bride and groom’s eyes lit up with delight when the box was unwrapped, revealing an Arabic copy of the Qur’an and a stainless steel spatula with a red handle.

“It’s steel,” noted an ESP sympathiser and Worker’s Spatula correspondent in attendance.

“Yes, like Stalin” agreed [REDACTED].

IMCLPO hailed the wedding with an official collective statement: “The ICMLPO salutes our French comrade for his bold internationalist stance in marrying a Turkish woman. As we all know, EMEP’s line is to recruit exclusively via family ties at this point, and therefore this wedding represents a great victory for Marxism-Leninism.”

The MLKP issued an official condemnation of the wedding as further proof of EMEP’s “reformism”, calling on [REDACTED] and his bride to divorce one another immediately, marry Circassians drawn from the ICOR affiliate’s ranks, and celebrate with a 100% Kurdish wedding, “the only correct line in the Turkish context”.

Kılıçdaroğlu’s Name Quietly Removed from Kill Lists of Illegal Groups

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İSTANBUL – Following a speech delivered by CHP Leader Kemal Kılıçdaroğlu at the “Rally for Democracy and the Martyrs”, in which Kılıçdaroğlu articulated a great many positive views, including support for democratic institutions that would not exclude the Kurdish Movement or others from political discourse, Kılıçdaroğlu’s name was quietly removed from the “kill lists” of several illegal groups operating within the borders of the Turkish Republic.

“I mean, fuck him, but also, you know, not bad” explained a spokesman for the illegal Devrimci Komünarlar Partisi (DKP). “Now we feel even worse about making fun of communists who attended his rallies to try to win people over to our cause. Could we have been ultra-left? No, obviously our line is always 100% correct. But maybe we should be more quiet about our totally correct views on the CHP.”

“When Kandil said that we were entering a tactical alliance with the CHP, I didn’t realise this meant they would actually say some things we agree with now. I thought we were just going to glare nervously at one another while shouting ambiguous anti-AKP slogans. But, I guess if he doesn’t come to power and kill a bunch of our people, we’ll let Kılıçdaroğlu live,” said a spokeswoman for the MLKP.

Reactions from within the CHP are similarly mixed. “Does he want a split?” asked İzmir MP Selin Sayek Böke angrily to our local correspondent. “He thinks he can just promote women’s equality and a democracy that includes the Mountain Turks? Not on my watch. I’d rather rot in a fascist theocracy with Erdoğan as caliph than put up with this.

“Democracy schmemocracy” she concluded.

UPDATE: The DHKP-C has announced that they have added Kılıçdaroğlu to their kill list. DSİP likewise has formed an armed “Permanent Revolutionary Propaganda” wing, whose task is to assassinate Kılıçdaroğlu “and other fascists who oppose Erdoğan, our democratically elected leader, whether we like it or not.”

“Figen” Most Popular Girls’ Name in Küçük Armutlu for 2015

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İSTANBUL – Following the shocking news, first published in the widely-read Marxist-Leninist-Lukácsist newspaper Toplumsal Özgürlük, that “Figen” topped the list of most popular names for baby girls in Küçük Armutlu for 2015, the DHKP-C has stepped up its attacks on the HDP, ESP, and all other opportunist traitors.

“We don’t want people to think this is pure political sectarianism. It’s also partially religious sectarianism. Nobody should think we haven’t noticed a change in the Turkish left lately: A lot of Circassians running around with the MLKP. You ever seen a Circassian in a cemevi? Neither have I. But I’ve seen a lot of Circassian police…” we were informed by “Ali”, a member of an unnamed leftist group who spoke to us on the condition that we buy tickets to a Grup Yorum concert.

“Of course, it’s also political sectarianism. We are very sectarian. If I meet any of these traitorous infant girls who dared to be named Figen… a calamity will come to her head.”

Representatives from EMEP attempted to make peace between the ESP and the Grup Yorum fans, however, this only made matters worse.

“SUNNIS! ALBANIANS!” screamed masked young men who hurled petrol bombs at the quickly retreating anti-revisionist contingent. “PARLIAMENTARIANS!”

Selma Gürkan turned to Worker’s Spatula’s local correspondent as they ducked behind a corner to avoid a volley of fireworks. “You see what we have to deal with, don’t you? We try to be principled, we try to build up popular fronts, and we get attacked by everyone no matter what we do. Can you believe we’re still at this level of sectarianism?”

“I dunno,” replied our correspondent. “I mostly read Alınteri.”

At press time, the so-called “Popular Front” had restored some semblance of order in the neighbourhood and chased out all the bad people who take part in electoral struggle. A fatwa was issued by local dede Hasan Hüseyinoğlu:

So as to prevent further strife in our community, henceforth all newborn girls must be named with a name chosen from the following list: Mahire.

We are right, we will win.

World’s Most Notorious Coffee Table Artist Apprehended

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İSTANBUL – Notorious coffee table book artist Banksy was apprehended midway through his latest piece on a wall in Istanbul last night. His trial at the Hague is expected to begin sometime in late 2016.

Banksy’s principal mistake appears to have been trusting the DHKP-C to cover his position while he worked. Rather than establishing a secure network throughout the area to signal when it was time to hide, the masked men of the DHKP-C simply waited until the police entered the area, before beginning to fire at random whilst bellowing: “YAŞASIN BANKSY, KAHROLSUN AMERİKA” in that annoying way that Turks chant at protests.

The piece, which was to take up the entirety of two corner walls of a vacant lot with letters at least two metres high, consisted primarily of the words “ALIŞVERİŞ KÖTÜDÜR” (“SHOPPING IS BAD”), and included stencils of anthropomorphic pigs in gas masks purchasing non-anthropomorphic pigs in gas masks outside of a mosque in what appeared to be a city in China.

US Secretary of State John Kerry called an emergency press conference, at which he largely articulated the views expected from a state organ of the chief imperialist country on Earth: “I don’t think I need to stress what an important capture this is. We can all rest easier tonight. I would like to thank our democratic allies in democratic Turkey for taking time out of their busy schedule of killing terroristic Kurdish children to capture Banksy, whose stencil art has created an environment of chaos and fear for the authorities all across the free world.

“Wherever Banksy’s work is seen, police officers clutch their weapons more tightly, knowing that his revolutionary message of vague dissatisfaction with capitalism was turning every passerby on the street and their mum into a violent insurgent bent on the overthrow of the capitalist state.

“Seriously, Banksy, you scared us so much. It’s off to the Hague with you now, where you can terrorise us no more.”

*Image stolen from demi adejuyigbe.

DHKP-C Oddly Chipper about Potential Rise of Fascism in the US

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GAZİ MAHALLESİ, ISTANBUL – The clandestine organisation of musical scamps known as DHKP-C are oddly upbeat about ongoing reports from the United States that a fascist movement centred around the personality of Donald Trump is gaining strength in that country.

“I mean, obviously we believe that it is the bourgeoisie which benefits from US imperialism, and not the people in the US. So it’s not that we wish fascism would emerge in the US in earnest per se…” explained “Hüseyin”, a masked man who agreed to meet with one of our correspondents behind [REDACTED] çay salonu in Gazi Mahallesi. “But there are already a LOT of guns in the US from what our people there tell us.”

“Hüseyin” then spent thirty seconds pantomiming the action of firing a machine gun.

“TIRRRRR! TAK TAK TAK! Take THAT, you fascist sons of bitches!”

His comrade “Nergis” was given comradely and not at all patriarchal permission to agree.

“Obviously DHKP-C has never really been that active in international organising, because you know, we can’t even get along with Kurds really. But if there’s one sort of international solidarity we would really pour our heart and soul into, it’s encouraging massive bloodshed in the United States,” she explained, nervously glancing over to make sure “Hüseyin” had not ceased nodding in approval while she spoke.

“After everything the Americans put us through, they kind of deserve their own bloody internal conflict that they can respond to with a disorganised band of rag-tag militants who lash out with violence at the right and the left equally.”

At press time, an agreement had been reached to obtain autographed copies of several Grup Yorum albums for the Worker’s Spatula Istanbul office, to be picked up from the local cemevi Thursday night.

Conference of Anglo Trotskyists on Syria a Huge Hit with Turkish and Kurdish Left

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ISTANBUL – Friday’s “Understanding the Syrian Revolution” conference was a rousing success, with presentations by many Trotskyist organisations from English-speaking countries, and a strong turnout from many left-wing organisations in Istanbul, glad to finally understand the Syrian context thanks to the informed work of the Trotskyists.

An older EMEP member who chose to remain anonymous revealed his impressions to our correspondent: “I had always thought Trotskyists were idiots, but now that I’ve seen the brilliant analysis they do in English-speaking countries, I suddenly see that I’ve been on the wrong path all along. Truly they are right, and the primary contradiction is Assad, and not the jihadists. How could we, from right next to Syria, have been so blind, and the Anglos’ eyes been so wide open? For this I blame Stalin, who I renounce at once, forever.”

The most heated moment came in the form of a debate between the Spartacist League of the UK and the ISO from the US on the subject: “ISIS: Harmless or Heroic?” While both sides agreed that the biggest danger to Syrian civilians was the Assad regime, the ISO’s position was that ISIS didn’t kill so many civilians and would be easily defeated by the famous progressive secular Arab rebels, who were much more powerful on the ground, and therefore needn’t factor into our calculations, whereas the Spartacist position was that ISIS was the only powerful anti-imperialist force on the ground, and would easily wipe out all their rivals, including the regime, rival rebel groups, and the PYD.

The debate ended with the Spartacist representative referring to her counterpart from the ISO as a “CIA agent”, and the ISO representative defended himself by saying that while his position didn’t differ from the CIA’s, the lack of a paycheque from Langley should absolve him of all responsibility. Both sides then took questions, to which they provided generic answers about the need for proletarian revolution.

Around 3 PM, there was deep interest by various Alawite organisations in a presentation by representatives of a small Trotskyist organisation from the US called League for the Revolutionary Party, entitled “Why Salih Muslim is Wrong about Assad.” All Alawites in attendance, who were predominantly affiliated with DHF, ESP, TÖPG, and DHKP-C, listened with keen interest as it was explained to them that it was sectarian to be concerned with the safety of Arab Alawites in Syria, and that real internationalist revolutionaries would support “the secular Syrian Revolution” without resorting to “petty tribalism”.

“The same goes for the Kurds. They need to stop worrying about the balance of the forces or national liberation and stand behind the real democratic forces in Syria.”

“They really opened our eyes,” explained Heval Şoreş, a Kurdish student in attendence. “Before I saw the Australian ‘Socialist Alternative’s talk entitled ‘Kurds Hate Freedom’, I had been blinded by the leadership of the Kurdish movement. Now I understand that I must become a real internationalist revolutionary, like the heroes in London and New York, and not tail behind a dead-end nationalist movement like the one we see in Rojava.”

Fearing that the anti-revisionist hegemony of the Turkish left has been shaken by the masterful propaganda coup by their Trotskyist counterparts, an emergency meeting of various anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninist groups in the US was called. So great are the fears of the anti-revisionists that Trotskyist hegemony will be extended from the Anglosphere into Turkey and North Kurdistan, that even hyper-sectarians like the RCPUSA attended and took an active role. At the meeting, they determined that a counter-conference would be held next week in Istanbul, entitled “We are not worthy! We worship you, o Turkish and Kurdish revolutionaries, who carry guns for the revolution! We are unworthy even to kiss your feet!”

Explaining that the situation was dire indeed, and nothing was off the table, a representative of the RCPUSA spoke to our correspondent.

“We’re all in this together, yeah?” said the RCPUSA representative. “We’ve already booked a ticket to fly Bob Avakian from… wherever he is… we won’t say, but probably the flight is gonna be out of JFK.”

“Besides, we’re sure if we can get some of our people into Gazi Mahallesi, MKP and TKP/ML will reconsider their position on the New Synthesis.”