News in Brief: February 1st 2017

Bidhya Devi Bhandari

KATHMANDU – A new Nepali constitution was introduced this week, which accidentally included the abolition of the institution of marriage: “I honestly cannot tell you how this happened,” said President Bidhya Devi Bhandari, when reached for comment by our Malaysian correspondent. “We’ve all been so distracted by foreign policy that I couldn’t even tell you where this latest proposal for rewriting the constitution originated. Maybe I did it? Maybe the Maoists? Somebody’s got to answer for this.”

Prime Minister Pushpa Kamal Dahal, better known as “Prachaveli”, strongly repudiated the claim in a televised interview conducted from his mansion: “I remember when the proposal first came up in parliament. It was the Trotskyites who proposed a new constitution. It’s always the Trotskyites, with their wrecking.

“I’m personally furious. What Maoist could oppose marriage, an institution in which our Chairprophet was an enthusiastic participant?”

İZMİR – Local DHKP-C cadres had a bit too much to drink last night, and announced themselves loudly as members to the police at the İZBAN, who proceeded to beat them silly, much to the horror of lookers-on.

Foreign sympathisers of the gun-wielding equivalent of the ÖDP are expected to get extremely drunk and provoke local police in solidarity. Haklılar, kazanacaklar.

TWITTERLAND – US communist Twitter was thrown into a panic at rumours of @bennykoval and @DadTankie‘s breakup. Our US correspondents could not think of anything else of interest to report back from that country, as the next ROL newsletter won’t be out for another month.

First Foreign Production of Hamilton a Hit

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ANTAKYA, PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF HATAY – The atmosphere was tense at the sell-out premiere tonight of the first-ever foreign production of the Broadway hit Hamilton in Antakya in southern Turkey (more specifically in the de facto independent People’s Republic of Hatay). Worker’s Spatula’s local correspondent and TÖPG militant, [REDACTED], received a special invitation from director Cem Karagün to see how the magic was made:

WS: You must be very excited to have brought this musical to Turkey. What inspired you to do it?

CK: Well, after we heard it had played such an important role in taking down the Obama government, it was a natural next step to bring it here and see if it could do the same thing.

WS: I see. So how did you manage to get hold of the rights?

CK: Our next step was to ask our sister organisation in the US to help us out. They found out that one of the cleaners at the theatre was a member of a Trotskyite sect, but rather than have him ice-axed, they traded him a newspaper subscription for copies of the script and sheet music.

WS: And how have the people of Armutlu responded to the musical?

CK: We’ve had an overwhelming response, really. From the moment that Hamilton witnesses the glories of Castro’s revolution in Cuba as a child. to his shooting in the back by the imperialists during a kind of Communist version of the Sheikh Said rebellion, people are jumping out of their seats and ululating. Before you know it, they had stormed a nearby police station and were passing the weapons out to anyone who would take them – and this is just the first night.

WS: It’s fair to say you’ve made a few tweaks to adjust the musical to the local political culture?

CK: Well yes, of course. People here don’t really respond particularly well to extended discussions about constitutional matters, but they did appreciate the insistence that armed struggle and revolution were the solution to contemporary problems. So we adjusted it to focus on that point.

WS: Some here have found the inclusion of a rapping Asian-American Mahir Çayan to be controversial.

CK: That’s the best bit.

WS: Well, congratulations on your successful transfer of the musical, wishing you many successes!

CK: Long live the popular front and the revolution! Long live President Assad! Long live Hamilton!

Congratulations to Our Comrade on His Wedding!

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SİVAS – Worker’s Spatula would like to extend our warmest and most comradely congratulations to our comrade, [REDACTED], on his wedding to his bride in Sivas. Coming from France and having localised himself in Turkey thanks to local EMEP cadres, [REDACTED] met his bride, who comes from a respectable Sivaslı MHP family, at a protest in Ankara.

The wedding was spectacular, with a massive red cake chosen to please both EMEP and MHP attendees. The father-in-law approached [REDACTED] to inform him that the red in the cake clearly symbolised the blood of the Turkish people shed for independence. [REDACTED] politely agreed, adding under his breath: “and the Albanian people, too”.

[REDACTED], who is a known atheist and opponent of all organised religion (and like most French, hates Islam in particular) nonetheless converted to Islam in order to please the in-laws. He has submitted to Worker’s Spatula democratic centralism and accepted to impose Ja’fari Shi’ism on any future children.

All guests in attendance were given a free copy of the latest edition of Evrensel, as is traditional in Turkey.

At the wedding, other Worker’s Spatula cadres were able to connect with the masses and socialise over Albanian folk dances. Both the bride’s side (her family) and the groom’s side (the central committee of EMEP) had come to an agreement that having halay at the wedding would essentially constitute an endorsement of terrorism.

[REDACTED] was at one point spotted far from his bride, joyously clicking wooden spoons together as he danced and sang along with the sound system: “BİZE HER YOL PARİS DEĞIL, LA BİZE HER YER ANGARA!”

A young EMEP member from Ankara spoke to one of our correspondents, excitedly telling him that attending the wedding was the most radical political action he had taken part in since Gezi: “Normally we just go to the weddings of the children of our members in Yenimahalle. But this is so exciting here, there’s even fascists. I have been asking all of them if they are workers, and if so, if they plan on becoming a member of the labour aristocracy.”

As everyone in attendance agreed that 100% of Albanians and %100 of Turks are Muslims, a common prayer of EMEP and MHP supporters was held. A Halk Cephesi sympathiser from Nurtepe who had taken the wrong bus and mistook the red wedding cake for the party-front flag took the opportunity to quietly extract himself from the wedding hall.

Worker’s Spatula elected to give one collective gift to the young couple. Both the bride and groom’s eyes lit up with delight when the box was unwrapped, revealing an Arabic copy of the Qur’an and a stainless steel spatula with a red handle.

“It’s steel,” noted an ESP sympathiser and Worker’s Spatula correspondent in attendance.

“Yes, like Stalin” agreed [REDACTED].

IMCLPO hailed the wedding with an official collective statement: “The ICMLPO salutes our French comrade for his bold internationalist stance in marrying a Turkish woman. As we all know, EMEP’s line is to recruit exclusively via family ties at this point, and therefore this wedding represents a great victory for Marxism-Leninism.”

The MLKP issued an official condemnation of the wedding as further proof of EMEP’s “reformism”, calling on [REDACTED] and his bride to divorce one another immediately, marry Circassians drawn from the ICOR affiliate’s ranks, and celebrate with a 100% Kurdish wedding, “the only correct line in the Turkish context”.

Kılıçdaroğlu’s Name Quietly Removed from Kill Lists of Illegal Groups

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İSTANBUL – Following a speech delivered by CHP Leader Kemal Kılıçdaroğlu at the “Rally for Democracy and the Martyrs”, in which Kılıçdaroğlu articulated a great many positive views, including support for democratic institutions that would not exclude the Kurdish Movement or others from political discourse, Kılıçdaroğlu’s name was quietly removed from the “kill lists” of several illegal groups operating within the borders of the Turkish Republic.

“I mean, fuck him, but also, you know, not bad” explained a spokesman for the illegal Devrimci Komünarlar Partisi (DKP). “Now we feel even worse about making fun of communists who attended his rallies to try to win people over to our cause. Could we have been ultra-left? No, obviously our line is always 100% correct. But maybe we should be more quiet about our totally correct views on the CHP.”

“When Kandil said that we were entering a tactical alliance with the CHP, I didn’t realise this meant they would actually say some things we agree with now. I thought we were just going to glare nervously at one another while shouting ambiguous anti-AKP slogans. But, I guess if he doesn’t come to power and kill a bunch of our people, we’ll let Kılıçdaroğlu live,” said a spokeswoman for the MLKP.

Reactions from within the CHP are similarly mixed. “Does he want a split?” asked İzmir MP Selin Sayek Böke angrily to our local correspondent. “He thinks he can just promote women’s equality and a democracy that includes the Mountain Turks? Not on my watch. I’d rather rot in a fascist theocracy with Erdoğan as caliph than put up with this.

“Democracy schmemocracy” she concluded.

UPDATE: The DHKP-C has announced that they have added Kılıçdaroğlu to their kill list. DSİP likewise has formed an armed “Permanent Revolutionary Propaganda” wing, whose task is to assassinate Kılıçdaroğlu “and other fascists who oppose Erdoğan, our democratically elected leader, whether we like it or not.”

“Figen” Most Popular Girls’ Name in Küçük Armutlu for 2015

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İSTANBUL – Following the shocking news, first published in the widely-read Marxist-Leninist-Lukácsist newspaper Toplumsal Özgürlük, that “Figen” topped the list of most popular names for baby girls in Küçük Armutlu for 2015, the DHKP-C has stepped up its attacks on the HDP, ESP, and all other opportunist traitors.

“We don’t want people to think this is pure political sectarianism. It’s also partially religious sectarianism. Nobody should think we haven’t noticed a change in the Turkish left lately: A lot of Circassians running around with the MLKP. You ever seen a Circassian in a cemevi? Neither have I. But I’ve seen a lot of Circassian police…” we were informed by “Ali”, a member of an unnamed leftist group who spoke to us on the condition that we buy tickets to a Grup Yorum concert.

“Of course, it’s also political sectarianism. We are very sectarian. If I meet any of these traitorous infant girls who dared to be named Figen… a calamity will come to her head.”

Representatives from EMEP attempted to make peace between the ESP and the Grup Yorum fans, however, this only made matters worse.

“SUNNIS! ALBANIANS!” screamed masked young men who hurled petrol bombs at the quickly retreating anti-revisionist contingent. “PARLIAMENTARIANS!”

Selma Gürkan turned to Worker’s Spatula’s local correspondent as they ducked behind a corner to avoid a volley of fireworks. “You see what we have to deal with, don’t you? We try to be principled, we try to build up popular fronts, and we get attacked by everyone no matter what we do. Can you believe we’re still at this level of sectarianism?”

“I dunno,” replied our correspondent. “I mostly read Alınteri.”

At press time, the so-called “Popular Front” had restored some semblance of order in the neighbourhood and chased out all the bad people who take part in electoral struggle. A fatwa was issued by local dede Hasan Hüseyinoğlu:

So as to prevent further strife in our community, henceforth all newborn girls must be named with a name chosen from the following list: Mahire.

We are right, we will win.

World’s Most Notorious Coffee Table Artist Apprehended

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İSTANBUL – Notorious coffee table book artist Banksy was apprehended midway through his latest piece on a wall in Istanbul last night. His trial at the Hague is expected to begin sometime in late 2016.

Banksy’s principal mistake appears to have been trusting the DHKP-C to cover his position while he worked. Rather than establishing a secure network throughout the area to signal when it was time to hide, the masked men of the DHKP-C simply waited until the police entered the area, before beginning to fire at random whilst bellowing: “YAŞASIN BANKSY, KAHROLSUN AMERİKA” in that annoying way that Turks chant at protests.

The piece, which was to take up the entirety of two corner walls of a vacant lot with letters at least two metres high, consisted primarily of the words “ALIŞVERİŞ KÖTÜDÜR” (“SHOPPING IS BAD”), and included stencils of anthropomorphic pigs in gas masks purchasing non-anthropomorphic pigs in gas masks outside of a mosque in what appeared to be a city in China.

US Secretary of State John Kerry called an emergency press conference, at which he largely articulated the views expected from a state organ of the chief imperialist country on Earth: “I don’t think I need to stress what an important capture this is. We can all rest easier tonight. I would like to thank our democratic allies in democratic Turkey for taking time out of their busy schedule of killing terroristic Kurdish children to capture Banksy, whose stencil art has created an environment of chaos and fear for the authorities all across the free world.

“Wherever Banksy’s work is seen, police officers clutch their weapons more tightly, knowing that his revolutionary message of vague dissatisfaction with capitalism was turning every passerby on the street and their mum into a violent insurgent bent on the overthrow of the capitalist state.

“Seriously, Banksy, you scared us so much. It’s off to the Hague with you now, where you can terrorise us no more.”

*Image stolen from demi adejuyigbe.

DHKP-C Oddly Chipper about Potential Rise of Fascism in the US

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GAZİ MAHALLESİ, ISTANBUL – The clandestine organisation of musical scamps known as DHKP-C are oddly upbeat about ongoing reports from the United States that a fascist movement centred around the personality of Donald Trump is gaining strength in that country.

“I mean, obviously we believe that it is the bourgeoisie which benefits from US imperialism, and not the people in the US. So it’s not that we wish fascism would emerge in the US in earnest per se…” explained “Hüseyin”, a masked man who agreed to meet with one of our correspondents behind [REDACTED] çay salonu in Gazi Mahallesi. “But there are already a LOT of guns in the US from what our people there tell us.”

“Hüseyin” then spent thirty seconds pantomiming the action of firing a machine gun.

“TIRRRRR! TAK TAK TAK! Take THAT, you fascist sons of bitches!”

His comrade “Nergis” was given comradely and not at all patriarchal permission to agree.

“Obviously DHKP-C has never really been that active in international organising, because you know, we can’t even get along with Kurds really. But if there’s one sort of international solidarity we would really pour our heart and soul into, it’s encouraging massive bloodshed in the United States,” she explained, nervously glancing over to make sure “Hüseyin” had not ceased nodding in approval while she spoke.

“After everything the Americans put us through, they kind of deserve their own bloody internal conflict that they can respond to with a disorganised band of rag-tag militants who lash out with violence at the right and the left equally.”

At press time, an agreement had been reached to obtain autographed copies of several Grup Yorum albums for the Worker’s Spatula Istanbul office, to be picked up from the local cemevi Thursday night.

Conference of Anglo Trotskyists on Syria a Huge Hit with Turkish and Kurdish Left

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ISTANBUL – Friday’s “Understanding the Syrian Revolution” conference was a rousing success, with presentations by many Trotskyist organisations from English-speaking countries, and a strong turnout from many left-wing organisations in Istanbul, glad to finally understand the Syrian context thanks to the informed work of the Trotskyists.

An older EMEP member who chose to remain anonymous revealed his impressions to our correspondent: “I had always thought Trotskyists were idiots, but now that I’ve seen the brilliant analysis they do in English-speaking countries, I suddenly see that I’ve been on the wrong path all along. Truly they are right, and the primary contradiction is Assad, and not the jihadists. How could we, from right next to Syria, have been so blind, and the Anglos’ eyes been so wide open? For this I blame Stalin, who I renounce at once, forever.”

The most heated moment came in the form of a debate between the Spartacist League of the UK and the ISO from the US on the subject: “ISIS: Harmless or Heroic?” While both sides agreed that the biggest danger to Syrian civilians was the Assad regime, the ISO’s position was that ISIS didn’t kill so many civilians and would be easily defeated by the famous progressive secular Arab rebels, who were much more powerful on the ground, and therefore needn’t factor into our calculations, whereas the Spartacist position was that ISIS was the only powerful anti-imperialist force on the ground, and would easily wipe out all their rivals, including the regime, rival rebel groups, and the PYD.

The debate ended with the Spartacist representative referring to her counterpart from the ISO as a “CIA agent”, and the ISO representative defended himself by saying that while his position didn’t differ from the CIA’s, the lack of a paycheque from Langley should absolve him of all responsibility. Both sides then took questions, to which they provided generic answers about the need for proletarian revolution.

Around 3 PM, there was deep interest by various Alawite organisations in a presentation by representatives of a small Trotskyist organisation from the US called League for the Revolutionary Party, entitled “Why Salih Muslim is Wrong about Assad.” All Alawites in attendance, who were predominantly affiliated with DHF, ESP, TÖPG, and DHKP-C, listened with keen interest as it was explained to them that it was sectarian to be concerned with the safety of Arab Alawites in Syria, and that real internationalist revolutionaries would support “the secular Syrian Revolution” without resorting to “petty tribalism”.

“The same goes for the Kurds. They need to stop worrying about the balance of the forces or national liberation and stand behind the real democratic forces in Syria.”

“They really opened our eyes,” explained Heval Şoreş, a Kurdish student in attendence. “Before I saw the Australian ‘Socialist Alternative’s talk entitled ‘Kurds Hate Freedom’, I had been blinded by the leadership of the Kurdish movement. Now I understand that I must become a real internationalist revolutionary, like the heroes in London and New York, and not tail behind a dead-end nationalist movement like the one we see in Rojava.”

Fearing that the anti-revisionist hegemony of the Turkish left has been shaken by the masterful propaganda coup by their Trotskyist counterparts, an emergency meeting of various anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninist groups in the US was called. So great are the fears of the anti-revisionists that Trotskyist hegemony will be extended from the Anglosphere into Turkey and North Kurdistan, that even hyper-sectarians like the RCPUSA attended and took an active role. At the meeting, they determined that a counter-conference would be held next week in Istanbul, entitled “We are not worthy! We worship you, o Turkish and Kurdish revolutionaries, who carry guns for the revolution! We are unworthy even to kiss your feet!”

Explaining that the situation was dire indeed, and nothing was off the table, a representative of the RCPUSA spoke to our correspondent.

“We’re all in this together, yeah?” said the RCPUSA representative. “We’ve already booked a ticket to fly Bob Avakian from… wherever he is… we won’t say, but probably the flight is gonna be out of JFK.”

“Besides, we’re sure if we can get some of our people into Gazi Mahallesi, MKP and TKP/ML will reconsider their position on the New Synthesis.”

Worker’s Spatula Endorses Donald Trump

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TRUMP TOWER, NEW YORK – Worker’s Spatula held its first official press conference today at Trump Tower in New York City in order to announce its unconditional support for Republican candidate Donald Trump in the 2016 US Presidential Campaign. Our statement is also reproduced in full below:

We, the editorial staff of Worker’s Spatula, the most revolutionary publication in the world since Pravda under Stalin, would like to announce our unconditional support for Donald Trump – AKA ‘the Donald’ – in his campaign for presidency of the United States of America, the head of global imperialism and the single greatest threat to the international proletariat as a whole. Under the Donald’s guidance, we are confident that America will be a country that we can help reshape and make great. And by ‘make great’, we obviously mean establishing a dictatorship of the proletariat and beginning socialist construction. Donald Trump is the best man to get us there as quickly as possible.

Our analysis of the recent history of the United States has led us to the conclusion that any attempt at getting Americans to support third parties, or to push the Democrats in a left-wing direction, or even to get the Republicans to have a remotely circumspect foreign policy on populist grounds will not merely fail to push the American people towards revolutionary consciousness, but indeed will merely result in greater isolation of left-wing groups pursuing such tactics. On the basis of this conclusion, the only strategy we can think to apply in the US context is one of unabashed accelerationism, and the best man for that job is certainly Donald Trump.

Also, he’s got a corrupted German surname, which makes us all feel a bit closer to him, as we’re all basically corrupted Germans of one sort or another.

Lastly, seeing as the Trotskyites are all opposed to him, he can’t be all bad, right? As there are clearly no questions left unanswered, we will not be taking any. Thank you.

Reactions to our statement have been largely enthusiastic. Armed militants across the globe carried out celebratory attacks on their immediate enemies in order to welcome our statement and intensify their struggle against imperialism. In the Philippines, the New People’s Army stormed and took over a military outpost on the island of Samar, taking down the flag of the Philippines and replacing it with a red flag with a white spatula and sickle on it. A militant identified as “Ka Ernesto” released a short video in front of the flag in which he articulated his hopes that the national-democratic forces would defeat the Philippine government after Trump becomes president of the US:

“We are always in favour of whatever relations of forces strengthen our position and thus Trump is our choice for President of the imperialist United States. Donald, MABUHAY!”

In India, the Naxalites attacked a multinational corporation’s copper mine in the forest near Ghatshila, destroying scores of machines. They refused to give a clear statement on Trump, however, promising on the one hand not to attack Trump Tower in New York, but on the other hand warning Trump that any real estate he might erect in Odisha is a potential target. The EZLN, on the other hand, released a statement embracing Trump as “the gravedigger of US imperialism”, but was reluctant to stage an armed demonstration for undisclosed reasons, presumably related to Trump’s views on Mexicans.

In Turkey/North Kurdistan, TİKKO, the armed wing of the TKP/ML, attacked a police station in Dêrsim with rocket launchers, later publishing a declaration of their certainty that Trump would be on their side against the fascist AKP government. The DHKP-C, for its part, welcomed Worker’s Spatula’s endorsement of Trump by attacking the Trump Towers in Istanbul’s Şişli neighbourhood with a suicide bomber. This act was reportedly done to endorse Trump. Or condemn him. Their members have yet to decide.

Other reactions have been equally enthusiastic. Alexis Tsipras sent Trump a message enquiring about the possibility of a common internationalist platform: “We are both young and attractive men who take great pride in our hair. Varoufakis, who has been stabbing me in the back repeatedly ever since I removed him from his post as the Minister of Finance, takes no pride in his hair. Because he has none.” Sources inside Syriza say that Tsipras regards a deal with Trump as the “trump card” [no pun intended, Tsipras doesn’t know any English, –W.S.] for the crucial upcoming elections: “After Varoufakis and Tsalakatos failed to reach a satisfactory deal with the Germans, the only hope he has left is Trump,” a Tsipras aide informed us.

DHKP-C Claims Responsibility for Attack, Maybe

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ISTANBUL – Following an armed attack on the Dolmabahçe Palace in Istanbul yesterday that left the two assailants and one police officer dead, the Revolutionary People’s Liberation Party-Front (DHKP-C) has issued three statements within 2 hours. In its first statement, the DHKP-C claimed responsibility for the attack and hailed the militants as revolutionaries fighting against the dark forces of imperialism and the fascist AKP government, sacrificing their lives for the revolution.

Approximately 35 minutes later, the party issued a second statement saying that there had been a miscommunication and apparently the assailants were not members of the party, but of some right wing or Islamist reactionary paramilitary group. “Honestly, we’re a bit confused as well,” said a masked party spokesperson who appeared in a video message and goes by the name of “Haydar Ali”.

“I mean, there are so many different groups in Turkey carrying out armed attacks right now. Most of those actions are completely meaningless anyway, including our own. But how are we supposed to tell if it was our own people or not? We were planning an attack at the same place on the same day. We urge the fascist AKP government to provide an official registry in every municipality, so that various groups can register themselves for attacks and confusion can be avoided.”

Following the second statement by about an hour, “Haydar Ali” issued yet another video message. “All right, I know, don’t say anything, but, well… So we have learnt that it might have been our people after all. The downside of our tactical line is that our people are mostly dead afterwards, so no one can ask them which organisation they support. We had to launch an investigation into what happened. There is still no conclusive evidence, but as the attack was completely meaningless, unnecessary and unsuccessful, a secret party committee concluded that it probably was our people who carried it out. In other words, we celebrate the martyrs who carried out this heroic act against fascism in their unwavering struggle for the people.”

Sources close to the legal fronts of the party said that there is quite a bit of discontent within the party ranks. Most agreed that if a fourth statement were to be released, it might start to be a bit embarrassing. As a precautionary measure, it has apparently been decided to blame any future development that would diverge significantly from their last message on propaganda by the fascist state. Another source said: “See, they always accuse our party of lacking a theoretical basis, but we even issued three statements on the attack in the form of thesis – antithesis – synthesis. In this one can see our mastery of the dialectical method invented by the great Anatolian revolutionary Mahir Çayan.” Upon being corrected with regard to the source of the dialectical method, the anonymous source responded: “Oh, leave us alone with all these imperialists and their degenerated culture. Some guy from Germany might have said something about dialectics, but did he know how to play the saz? All the theory we need stems from our Anatolian soil and from the people who grew up in Anatolia. Just listen to the poems of Pir Sultan Abdal – that’s all the dialectics we need.”

MLPD leader and chairman of the board of Ermen and Engel, a corporation formed through a hostile takeover of Ermen and Engels, Stefan Engel commented on these events from his holiday in Istanbul. Our reporters were able to get a brief statement from him in a traditional hamam. “See, this is why they’re not in ICOR. ‘Nuff said. Oh, and of course, they have not managed to create an interactive time-line of the life of their ideological leader Dursun Karataş. You know, like the one I have on my personal homepage. You should really take a look at it.”

Former Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras reportedly was impressed with the tactics of the DHKP-C. His barber quoted him as saying: “This is what we should have done. I mean, not the armed attacks necessarily, but all these attempts at confusing everyone, including oneself. We tried so hard, but the Germans are like teflon.”

Alper Taş, co-chair of the ÖDP, insisted we print this statement: “If they’re going to be an ineffectual, quasi-Marxist, ex-DEV-YOL cult, they should at least do so peacefully, like we do.”