Sanders Raises Eyebrows with Campaign to “Make America Great Again”

make america great again

BURLINGTON, VERMONT – Bernie Sanders surprised many today by announcing his candidacy for President of the United States in the 2020 election, running on a campaign to “Make America Great Again”.

“I think I speak for all Americans when I say that things were better in the ’50s, with the more Keynesian economic policies, and the post-war togetherness, that we all, equally enjoyed,” explained the presidential hopeful to an assembled crowd in his adopted hometown of Burlington, Vermont whose number dwarfs that of all genuine Clinton supporters the world over.

“While I did actually win the 2016 election, and remain the only politician who is actually popular across the United States, I think we can all agree that 2020 is the year in which we can make everyone recognise America’s potential. Trump didn’t have the guts to identify the era in which America was previously great, but I will: it was the New Deal, and post-WWII reconstruction, and the Golden Era of Browder and Browderism. That’s what socialism is about, that’s what America is about, and we can make it great again.”

The DSA have been bowled over the announcement, with three distinct trends emerging in response. The rightmost trend, representing the pro-Obama/Clinton trend within the DSA, have already embraced the coming 2020 Sanders campaign: “This is the culmination of everything the DSA have been working for. Socialism is now mainstream, Democracy is now mainstream, democratic socialism is mainstream,” explained a spokesperson for the “Old Democratic Socialists Caucus”.

“I mean, they always were, because the police are socialist.”

The bulk of youth supporters of the DSA have been less enthusiastic. We spoke to one Sandra Young, of the Georgetown DSA: “Like a lot of young DSA recruits, I consider myself to the left of Sanders?” explained Sandra Young of the Georgetown DSA. “But I have to recognise that the DSA, as legal and friendly and big-tent as it is, is actually quite far left as far as the general US trends go? So we should probably support Sanders, but really? Make America Great Again? Like actually?”

“I would say I’m glad we’re not automatically supporting whatever the Democratic Party supports, but I can’t guarantee that the Democratic candidate won’t run on a platform of Making America Great Again, and call this their lone concession to ‘the left’ now, so I’d say that’s a pretty hollow victory?.”

Asked who she would vote for in the event of a choice between Trump/Clinton and a Sanders who believes only in concessions to that camp, Young responded she would “probably just cast a protest vote for Assata Shakur.”

ROL units deep within the southern chapters of the YDS reported cautious optimism about the direction of the DSA following Sanders’s announcement. A young militant who goes only by “the Southern Hoxhaist” had this to say: “I’m not sure what’s so surprising to everyone. Sanders thinks FDR was socialist, half the DSA think Sweden is socialist, and it’s now an official DSA position that China is socialist. Everyone who isn’t Georgist is basically Keynesian, and this is a result of the US’s decades-long isolation from the world revolutionary movement and the lack of any single genuine Marxist-Leninist party.

“However, if you have a grasp of the totality of the process, you’ll see that the trend among the youth is towards us. All around the US, young people eagerly await the release of the latest ROL newsletter so we can debate the contents in Marxist reading groups and DSA working groups. Ray is looking into the future, comrades, and it is shining brightly thanks to the red sun of socialism

“Sanders is on his last legs, the future belongs to ICOR. Revisionism is over, if you want it.”

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

Advertisements

Worker’s Spatula Endorsement for US Presidency in 2020

Kentucky

DEEP IN THE MOUNTAINS OF KENTUCKY – Following years of rising popular struggle in the imperialist United States, Worker’s Spatula’s Central Committee have traveled to a mountain base in rural Kentucky to discuss the upcoming US Presidential Election of 2020. After heated discussion, the following statement was released:

Comrades, we are speaking to you from a guerrilla base of the Appalachian Liberation Movement, who have graciously hosted us for the past few days. We have dined upon exquisite cornbreads and sipped upon the finest Mountain Dews; we have discussed the Afro-American National Liberation Movement and lessons to be learnt from it that may be critically applied in Appalachia; we have been reading ROL and AIM propaganda and discussing their ramifications; above all else, we have been trying to unite the struggles of the poor and oppressed in the fight against capitalism, imperialism, and fascism.

Our support for Donald Trump in 2016 was right, and we are proud to have been responsible for all the heroic unity and struggle of the peoples of the multinational United States. But the question must be asked: have we accelerated the contradictions enough? Surely Donald Trump stands for everything that is wrong with capitalism and imperialism, with the established oppressor nation order, with the patriarchy. The masses in the US are in general agreement that never before has such a cartoonish, unbelievably open chauvinism stood at the face of their enemy. However, in all our discussions of late, two points have stood at the centre.

Firstly, and most obviously, we have been unable to forge a strong popular front within the United States, encompassing not only the oppressed nations and peoples, but also the broad working class of the U.S. (North) oppressor nation. Unfortunately for us, it is actually impossible to unite the “Yankee” working class in struggle with the oppressed nations because even the most progressive communist trends, except for the ROL and the FRSO, refuse to acknowledge the heroic leadership of these movements and unite with them in practice. Our continued popular front work within the DSA may yet yield some results, but for now, it is clear what the problem is:

The labour aristocratic politics which bestow concrete privilege disproportionately on the “Yankee” proletariat are still relatively strong and connected with US imperialism as such. The Sanders campaign of 2016 showed that positive demands can be put forth to this population as the austerity imposed by the ever-deepening crisis concretely attacks them. Therefore, to organise “white” workers, we must actually deepen the crisis. We must arrange for a government which will be even less responsive to the needs of the “white” proletariat than the Trump-Pence government. Then, and only then, will the “white” proletariat understand the imperialist bourgeois United States as its enemy and seek common struggle with the oppressed nations and nationalities.

Comrades, such a government is no dream. Worker’s Spatula would like to officially announce our support for a joint Trump-Clinton ticket in 2020. We believe this is possible and desirable for the following reasons:

  1. Clintonites hold that you must change the system “from within”, on the system’s own terms, no matter what. Truly, there would be no better opportunity for this than operating within the Trump campaign.
  2. The majority of Trump supporters are no more chauvinistic than Clinton supporters, and just as we endeavour to win Clinton supporters over to our cause, so too must we win Trump supporters over to our cause. Uniting the two camps in political practice will erode the need to begin any conversation with either that opposition to their erroneous political stance is not a result of support for the other half of the political “duopoly” of the US.
  3. We really could not think of any more provocative candidate to support this time than Hillary Clinton, and admit it, none of you really believe even an anti-austerity social democrat has a chance in the first place. This isn’t New Zealand.
  4. Mutual penetration of the opposites or something. Dialectics.

This decision received overwhelming support from the Appalachian revolutionaries with whom we discussed the matter at great length. If Appalachia is behind it, the rest of White AmeriKKKa have no excuse. Vanguard life, fam.

SUPPORT TRUMP AND CLINTON AGAINST THE WHITE WORKING CLASS OF THE IMPERIALIST UNITED STATES!

UPLIFT THE REVOLUTIONARY STRUGGLE OF ALL THE POOR AND OPPRESSED FOR LIBERATION AND AGAINST IMPERIALISM!

WORKERS AND OPPRESSED PEOPLES OF THE WORLD – UNITE!

Shock as DSA Establishes Fraternal Relations with CPC

DSC

NEW YORK CITY/TWITTER: The US left is reeling in the aftermath of DSA’s announcement that, following their decision to leave the so-called “Socialist International”, they have established fraternal relations with the revisionist Communist Party of China.

“After internal debate, we are entering into fraternal relations with our comrades of the CPC. Socialist China is a beacon to the world and a shining example of what we want to establish in America, only without going through the tankie Maoist phase,” said DSA spokesperson and self described “Dengist Harringtonite” Brendan O’Grady.

“We want Socialism with Chinese Characteristics, only instead it’s Socialism with American Characteristics. There’s no real difference between the two, only instead of mass unemployment and environmental degradation being masked by singing ‘March of the Volunteers’, we’ll sing ‘This Land is Your Land’” added O’Grady.

The Revolutionary Organisation of Labor, the US ICOR affiliate and chief source of Marxist entryism into the DSA, released the following statement:

At the current stage, we have to accept this embrace of Chinese revisionism as a step forwards for the proletariat of the US (North) oppressor nation. Viewing Chinese social imperialism as a model deserves harsh criticism, but the objective conditions are such that anything that can stand in the way of warmongering against the DPRK is progressive. Further, it is our hope that by passing through the Three Worlds Theory, we might eventually be able to steer the DSA towards Marxism-Leninism.

But let’s give the kids some credit, they’re moving pretty quick. They’re kicking out cops and they support Chokwe Antar Lumumba. Remember when we thought the best we could hope for was Sanders?

Less critical self-identified Marxist-Leninists in the US, particularly those found on Twitter, were thrown into confusion by these developments, which pitted their uncritical love of red flags against their uncritical hatred of practical politics in their own country:

“DSA is a bunch of petty bourgeois cop lovers! How could they support China? How could China support them?” asked a confused @BeriasT34.

“DSA has broken with imperialism. Long live DSA, long live Socialist China” @NKVDfan replied, adding a rose emoji to his Twitter name.

“It’s another psyop, everything’s a psyop,” opined @DaddyStalin.

“Except me”, he hastily added in a follow-up tweet.

At time of press, the Bolşevik Parti of Turkey and North Kurdistan (one of the country’s three ICOR affiliates) had released a twenty-page analysis of the DSA and the YDS, comparing the former to TİP and the RSDLP, and the latter to DevGenç and the Bolsheviki. The long screed ended by imploring the “rebel youth” of the DSA to send a representative to meet them in Germany to coordinate declarations. Fellow Turkish ICOR affiliate TİKB have reportedly sent an enquiry to the YDS Twitter page enquiring about coordinating armed struggle.

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

News in Brief: July 15th 2017

CitizenMaxIsHauntingUs

THE INTERNET – Some years after Tumblr stopped being even a vague cultural influence on left-wing politics and well into the division of its former users into those who are engaged in quite broad front practical politics and those who have retreated from politics entirely, Marxist-Leninists on the internet remain convinced of the importance of fighting “SJWs” who are supposedly to be seen at every protest telling white male workers to “check their privilege”.

“Identity politics is dividing the working class,” explained a white man in an imperialist country to his internet audience of other white men in imperialist countries. “How does anyone expect to win over the working class when they talk about gay people and racism all the time?” referring to the all-white, all-male class which he has been extremely successful in winning over, unlike those horrific SJWs.

ST. PETERSBURG – Russian communists are trying to piece together what exactly the US government is accused of doing with the Russian state.

“So… the ‘resistance’ in the US refers to those people who feel the US state is not fighting hard enough for global hegemony?” asked local Враг Капитала reader Vladimir Semyonovich.

“I’m for revolutionary defeatism without exception,” protested Russian Maoist Party member Anna Mikhailovna, “so I don’t want Russian capital interests defended in Washington DC. But is there no one in the US who feel that the interests of capital in Washington DC should not be judged based on their Russianness?”

NEW YORK – ROL infiltration of the DSA is reportedly well underway, with the DSA already embracing national liberation for Afro-Americans and sending off martyrs to die in ICOR-approved armed struggle. Boston-based analysts expect the DSA to be a complete ROL front by 2019, right around the time the Democratic Party officially embraces the Three Worlds Theory as its lone “concession” to “the left”.

ANKARA – Worker’s Spatula correspondents are nervously considering whether or not to publish a story about Erdoğan condemning the French for celebrating Bastille Day, as he might do.

“Like, the joke is about how the Marxist tradition appropriates the French Revolution, and how Erdoğan is an arch-reactionary, and that,” explained [REDACTED 1] to her comrade during a Worker’s Spatula meeting.

“Right, but, even making a joke these days in Turkey makes you wonder,” replied [REDACTED 2]. “Erdoğan could easily say that the storming of the Bastille inspired the July 15th Coup Attempt, and…”

“Yeah…”

“Yeah…”

Unclear if DSA Declaration of “Irony” as Highest Stage of Capitalism Itself Ironic

DSA

NEW YORK/CHICAGO – The DSA have stirred up great controversy in US left circles, still reeling from the discussions of “Marxism-Leninism-Maoism” as the “third and higher stage” of communist ideology several decades too late, with their latest declaration that capitalism itself has reached a qualitatively new stage of irony.

“If you consider Marxism primarily from the perspective of alienation, it’s actually quite obvious,” explained Michael Foreman, a Bronx native and DSA member, to our local corespondent. “Capitalism has advanced so far in terms of alienating us all that even our own internal mental processes have a clear dual audience. Commodification is so total that we can only articulate resistance to the profit motive in terms of ironic humour, even to ourselves.

“O shit waddup,” he concluded.

In the past few months, large numbers of young Marxists have joined local branches of the DSA, an organisation dedicated primarily to making the Democratic Party add “vigorous defence of the legacy of Comrade Stalin” to their Party Platform. Consequently, theoretical discussion at various branches of the DSA have become more rigorous than ever before, with the legacies of such US radical martyrs as Malcolm X, Michael Israel, and Bernie Sanders being mainstays of discussions at meetings. We spoke to Alfonso Casal, professional Malört sommelier and anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninist, about developments within the DSA in terms of theory and practice.

“Basically, it’s not untrue that our innermost psychological health is being harmed by capitalism, and that capitalism’s tendency to commodify all things has brought us to this point. The disagreement we have with the DSA is mostly over whether this process, which has been quantitatively increasing since capitalism-imperialism became globally hegemonic, has actually reached some new qualitative stage.

“There was far more merit to the discussion, very popular since the 2008 Crisis, of neoliberalism, with its basis in profit-exploitation, as a qualitatively higher stage of capitalism-imperialism. In this vein, it is our view that the DSA themselves represent a new stage of revisionism. We had the classic revisionists like Bernstein or Kautsky, and then we had the ‘modern revisionists’ of the 20th century that our ‘anti-revisionist’ Marxism-Leninism defines itself in opposition to. However, these have descended so far into revisionism that they are no longer central to our discussions as revolutionaries. In the place of CPUSA or the CPB, we are now primarily concerned with the revisionism of the DSA and Momentum.”

Asked how he perceived a coming struggle with the DSA, Casal responded: “It’s very difficult to say. Just as defectors from the CPUSA played an important role in the struggle with modern revisionism decades ago, I predict contradictions within the DSA will lead to new formations, some of whom will have ideas close to our own.

“Pretty IRONIC, don’t you think?” winked Casal, who, before an explanation could be sought, pulled out an air horn and blew it into the air multiple times. “Capitalism, more like CRAPitalism, AMIRITE?”

The ISO, despite being mentioned much further down the page than they would ever read on a website as “Stalinist” as this one, also had their own analysis of the DSA’s growth and development. We sat down with one of their representatives at Fanxi’s Famous Foods in Manhattan:

“The DSA are reformists, which presents a clear risk of Stalinist growth within their ranks. On the other hand, they call themselves democratic socialists, and we Trotskyists are the real democratic socialists, since we have always militantly defended democracy for the working class, so perhaps we’ll be able to recruit some of them or take them over from within.

“It’s difficult to say, because we always had trouble telling which of their public declarations were ironic, and their latest declaration hardly does anything to clear up that confusion.”

At time of press, the ROL.

Did you enjoy this piece, or anything else on Worker’s Spatula? Then consider donating as little as one imperialist Yankee dollar a month to supporting our work!

DSA Celebrate Loyalty Day

DSA

CHICAGO – Following news that Donald “Chelsea” Trump had “proclaimed” May 1st to be “Loyalty Day”, History majors and long-time labour activists across the imperialist United States of Amerikkka have taken the occasion to remind everyone that “Loyalty Day” is a long-time reactionary tradition of the imperialist bourgeoisie in that country, and as such Trump has actually done nothing that any of his predecessors have not done to overshadow and delegitimise annual celebrations of the Marxist-Leninist holiday.

Reassured of the legitimacy of “Loyalty Day” in the eyes of the Democratic Party, the DSA, a small Stalinist entryist group within the larger Democratic Party plan to take to the streets to celebrate “Loyalty Day” in the loudest and most loyal way possible.

“I’m so glad to live in America, with its socialist police force, and not in anti-democratic Venezuela!” explained local white Chicago resident and DSA member Sean McGruder, as he handed out flyers inviting other members of the labour aristocracy to the DSA’s May 1st celebration. “God bless America!”

“May 1st is as American as July 4th or Labo[u]r Day,” concurred his friend Michael Del Franco, “We’re loyal to the US constitution, which is the real revolutionary tool of the working class to achieve political power.”

Not all were convinced by the DSA’s rhetoric, however. Local professor and known spoilsport Alfonso Casal said some things about “McCarthyism” and “wer hat uns verraten” to an assembled crowd of decidedly un-democratic socialists:

“I would call the DSA reformists, but they’d probably correct me and say that they aren’t interested in reforms, but democratic reforms. I would charge the DSA with the murder of Rosa Luxemburg, but they would probably respond by pointing out that Rosa Luxemburg was murdered by a democratically-elected government.”

For our part, the US wing of Worker’s Spatula will also be celebrating Loyalty Day. What follows is a statement endorsed by all our US correspondents, editors, and rabble-rousers:

We’ve never felt so loyal. Loyal to our accelerationist president. Loyal to a decreasing rate of profit, loyal to the increasing immiseration of the workers, which signals the gradual re-proletarianisation of the oppressor settler-colonialist Yankee nation’s labour aristocracy, and/or the coming rising up of the oppressed Afro-American people.

We predict a revolution in the US by the end of Trump’s second term.

After all, there’s no chance of the Democrats winning in 2020 if they put Jeb Bush up as their candidate again.