Workers’ Liberty Condemns Palestinian Assault on Israeli Rights

AWL

LONDON – Alliance for Workers’ Liberty has surprised absolutely no one by responding to a recent increase in Israeli settler and military assaults on the occupied Palestinians with a condemnation of the latter for “supporting Hamas” and “denying the Jewish people their divinely promised homeland”.

“Hamas is anti-Semitic, and you’re anti-Semitic too,” Sean Harrison, a representative of Workers’ Liberty informed Worker’s Spatula during an interview earlier today. “Arabs need to stop being such Nazi Islamists, they’re trampling on Israel’s right to self-determination. And as for you lot, Worker’s Spatula supports the SSNP, isn’t it? You’re all National Bolsheviks. That’s what I read on Twitter, anyway.

“Israel has a right to defend itself from Stalinist Arab civilians. All Arabs are Stalinists, except Revolutionary Socialists in Egypt, but they’re Cliffites, which is even worse, because they hate Jews. Tony Cliff was a self-hating Jew.”

“The only nice Arabs are the FSA, of course, they’re secular democrats fighting for genuine democracy, unlike those filthy Palestinians. You can tell because their enemies are Arabs and not Jews.”

Harrison insisted we publish all their statements, in the hopes that Palestinians living under the boot of the occupying Israeli state could “understand our true internationalist analysis and cease their chauvinistic oppression of Israel. The Arabs must learn to seek peace and stop provoking Israel like the warmongering jihadists they are.”

“We and the Israelis teach our workers to love, the Arabs teach their workers to hate,” he concluded.

SWP Releases Statement Calling for Morrissey’s Death

MuhammadMorrisey

LONDON – British IST affiliate Socialist Workers’ Party has shocked their Egyptian sister party, Revolutionary Socialists, by calling for the speedy execution of Morrissey.

“Morrissey is actually a counter-revolutionary, merely posing as a critic of the establishment, with his petty-bourgeois idealism and his empty words. We demand that the Egyptian state quickly chop his ugly head off, before any more Egyptian Trotskyists are tricked into supporting his dangerous rhetoric.”

Revolutionary Socialists, contrary to the reputation of IST affiliates to slavishly follow orders from London, issued this fierce response:

“Our message to Callinicos, you donkey: Morrissey is still the only democratic leader of the Egyptian people, ever. Every other leader of the Egyptians, from Nasser to Sisi, have all been Stalinists. We will never abandon Morrissey, even if the rest of the IST does. To die by his side? Well, the pleasure, the privilege, is ours.”

The Spartacist League of Britain, known in very hip circles for their artisanal paper, Workers Hammer [a name clearly chosen to capitalise on the popularity of Worker’s Spatula – WS], pointed out in a lengthy rant that “the Cliffites” had until recently supported Morrissey’s presidency, disrupted an SWP “Kill Morrissey” rally in order to demand an explanation.

“We, the Spartacist League of Britain, are the only real communists in Britain, and indeed, the world!” screamed the leader of the Spart gang, Linda Harris, through a megaphone. “We never supported Morrissey or any other popular leader ever! That’s how you know we’re pure! But still, these pseudo-revolutionaries should have to explain to the working class their unprincipled and opportunistic zigzags! Why are you all such fucking shits?”

An unfazed Callinicos quickly regained control of the rally, taking hold of an even larger and less bureaucratic megaphone, to respond: “You lot support ISIS.”

After the rally, a member of the SWP agreed to speak with Worker’s Spatula on condition of anonymity. “We did support Morrissey, we did zigzag, the Sparts are right on this one.”

“The thing is, we really liked his early work, back under Mubarak, with the Smiths.”

Image credit: “gleepii” on Reddit.