HDK Parties Courting Fired Academic

akademisyenler

ANKARA – Fırat Önder, a left-wing academic recently fired unceremoniously from his position at Ankara University for his opposition to the Turkish state’s war on the Kurdish people, has been without any faint hope of another job since his passport was cancelled by AKP edict. However, he has not wanted for friends in these trying times.

This morning, TÖPG cadres reportedly showed up at the former History professor’s apartment door with a bouquet of flowers to ask him if he wanted to consider going out for a date sometime: “Any day you’re free, we can go to the park and distribute propaganda, or we can talk about dialectics. Whatever you want, abi,” said the young man clutching the yellow roses close to his equally yellow TÖPG vest.

Önder’s newfound popularity is not limited to TÖPG, the only element of the Turkish left whose cadre read as much Hegel as the Germans. Nearly every HDK party or group has come to him, hoping to win him over to their line. We sat down with Önder in his apartment in Çankaya to discuss his situation.

“It started with the letters of support from my students,” explained Önder to our correspondent over tea in his apartment, as SYKP cadre outside his window knocked on it, waving around pamphlets. “A Kurdish student who lost her little brother in the attack on Sûr told me that I was in her prayers. It breaks my heart to think about that.”

“I guess my students really liked me, because before long, they started getting involved in the campaigns for academics who have been fired. One of them joined Partizan and kept ‘bumping into me’ in the street. Now it’s like I’m in some Turkish film from the ’70s, where instead of being courted by men representing different social classes, I’m being courted by a bunch of 20-year-old revolutionaries who started reading Marx because of me.”

Attempts at courtship have varied in their scrupulousness: “Halkevleri approached me the other night at a bar. It was a man about my age and three much younger women whom he seemed to be offering as some sort of socialist concubines. I told them to fuck off, and they asked me, ‘what are you gay or something?’.

“Then there was DSİP. They said they would ring Callinicos for money for myself and other fired academics if I would help them attack EMEP and ESP.”

When asked if he thought he was going to get organised in the end, Önder nodded eagerly and said “Actually, I’m pretty sure I’m going to start working with Devrimci Parti, but they need to get me a few pairs of their trainers to sweeten the deal. I’m not going to give myself away so quickly and look cheap.”

 

Worker’s Spatula Credit Cards Maxed Out

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ANKARA – “You’re no longer in good standing.”

“What?” asked our shocked correspondent. “Why?”

“You know why. That money was for the conference,” explained the stern, leather jacket-wearing woman standing across from him.

“I did spend it on the conference! Didn’t the conference happen?”

“It did, but these receipts don’t add up. And even if they did, you took far more money than you needed to. You need to come up with the missing money, and fast.”

As his superior exited the room, our correspondent picked up his mobile and frantically dialled headquarters.

“Comrade, you’ve got to help me. I spent 1000 lira on bream and EMEP found out.”

“No can do, comrade. My account is empty and my cards are maxed out.”

“What? How?”

“Bream, mostly. I had to go to Malta to organise the local bream fishers, and also purchase all their bream, and try out several new and inventive bream recipes.”

“We’re prisoners to our bream addiction,” sighed our correspondent. “I’m skypeing [REDACTED].”

“They’re in Kosovo!” warned headquarters, just as they were being hung up on.

“Kosovo, eh?” said our correspondent, lighting his Stalin-pipe and puffing at it thoughtfully. “At least there’s no bream there.”

“Greetings comrade,” said our intrepid Balkan correspondent. “What’s wrong, you look down?”

“Money troubles. Is there any chance I could borrow 1000 lira to get out of a tight spot?”

“How much is that in Euro? 10? 100?”

“Not yet, I’m afraid. It’s still a bit over 250.”

“Allahu jedini! I’m a bit tight at present.”

“Why, trip to Kosovo set you back?”

“Well, it’s more why I’m here. It’s a good-will mission, I came by train. I have to bring the impoverished Kosovar children much-needed…”

“Bream, I know.”

“Yeah. You might consider asking our extremely wealthy editor-in-chief.”

“He’s gone.”

“What?”

“Yeah, he’s in Qendîl.”

“The only thing I can think to do then is this: I will stay here in Kosovo, embed myself among the local population, run for political office on a platform of inter-communal peacemaking and international solidarity, earn the trust of the Serbian Orthodox Church and the Bektashi Order in Kosovo, appropriate funds given by the faithful, and divert them to your bank account.”

“Can you do that in the next 48 hours?”

“Sure thing!”

sorted

The Young Turks Exposed as EMEP Front

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CULVER CITY, CALIFORNIA – Following ongoing discussions between the US and Turkish states with regard to anti-terrorism cooperation, the US State Department has revealed that it has long been aware that popular web series “the Young Turks” and its associated “network” constitute a front for EMEP, the Turkish “Labour Party” which upholds the line of the Albanian “Party of Labour”, itself widely suspected of being a front for the Ghost of Deniz Gezmiş.

The revelation is important not only for Turkish politics, where association of any one group to any other group is known to be the first step towards everyone involved being declared to be agents of ISIS and the PKK at the same time, but even for US citizens who may have donated to the Young Turks Network at some point, as such donations would now constitute funding of a Turkish political party by US citizens, a diplomatic issue between Turkey and the US.

In response to the controversy, host Cenk Uygur has fled the country before he could be charged with any crime. After hours in custody in which he was repeatedly tortured, presumptive Democratic nominee for President of the United States Bernie Sanders has yet to divulge any information that might aid US authorities in determining Uygur’s current whereabouts.

Chairwoman of the Young Turk Network, Ana Kasparian, is being deported back to her native Armenia, in a move determined to not be offensive at all so long as Donald Trump is not behind it. As a handcuffed Kasparian was dragged onto a flight back to Yerevan, she could be heard leading a crowd chanting “LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION AND SOCIALISM!” in Armenian.

Approached for comment, national spokesperson for the American Party of Labor Alfonso Casal had this to say:

Obviously we stand in solidarity with all EMEP comrades regardless of the conditions. We also wish to note the double standard of the Turkish state, which claims to oppose meddling in internal affairs while nakedly acting as a pawn of US imperialism in other states in the region. Turkey has now invaded Syria, but a few socialists’ support for EMEP from abroad is the breach of some abstract and sacred national sovereignty. Give me a fucking break.

We will be raising this matter at the next Stalin Society of North America meeting to see what we can concretely do to help comrades of the Young Turks Network and EMEP to defeat this fascist-minded attack on their principled message of real democracy and socialism.

US ICOR affiliate the ROL is expected to release a statement in three months on account of their bimonthly publication being their only means of intervening in day-to-day political affairs.

Congratulations to Our Comrade on His Wedding!

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SİVAS – Worker’s Spatula would like to extend our warmest and most comradely congratulations to our comrade, [REDACTED], on his wedding to his bride in Sivas. Coming from France and having localised himself in Turkey thanks to local EMEP cadres, [REDACTED] met his bride, who comes from a respectable Sivaslı MHP family, at a protest in Ankara.

The wedding was spectacular, with a massive red cake chosen to please both EMEP and MHP attendees. The father-in-law approached [REDACTED] to inform him that the red in the cake clearly symbolised the blood of the Turkish people shed for independence. [REDACTED] politely agreed, adding under his breath: “and the Albanian people, too”.

[REDACTED], who is a known atheist and opponent of all organised religion (and like most French, hates Islam in particular) nonetheless converted to Islam in order to please the in-laws. He has submitted to Worker’s Spatula democratic centralism and accepted to impose Ja’fari Shi’ism on any future children.

All guests in attendance were given a free copy of the latest edition of Evrensel, as is traditional in Turkey.

At the wedding, other Worker’s Spatula cadres were able to connect with the masses and socialise over Albanian folk dances. Both the bride’s side (her family) and the groom’s side (the central committee of EMEP) had come to an agreement that having halay at the wedding would essentially constitute an endorsement of terrorism.

[REDACTED] was at one point spotted far from his bride, joyously clicking wooden spoons together as he danced and sang along with the sound system: “BİZE HER YOL PARİS DEĞIL, LA BİZE HER YER ANGARA!”

A young EMEP member from Ankara spoke to one of our correspondents, excitedly telling him that attending the wedding was the most radical political action he had taken part in since Gezi: “Normally we just go to the weddings of the children of our members in Yenimahalle. But this is so exciting here, there’s even fascists. I have been asking all of them if they are workers, and if so, if they plan on becoming a member of the labour aristocracy.”

As everyone in attendance agreed that 100% of Albanians and %100 of Turks are Muslims, a common prayer of EMEP and MHP supporters was held. A Halk Cephesi sympathiser from Nurtepe who had taken the wrong bus and mistook the red wedding cake for the party-front flag took the opportunity to quietly extract himself from the wedding hall.

Worker’s Spatula elected to give one collective gift to the young couple. Both the bride and groom’s eyes lit up with delight when the box was unwrapped, revealing an Arabic copy of the Qur’an and a stainless steel spatula with a red handle.

“It’s steel,” noted an ESP sympathiser and Worker’s Spatula correspondent in attendance.

“Yes, like Stalin” agreed [REDACTED].

IMCLPO hailed the wedding with an official collective statement: “The ICMLPO salutes our French comrade for his bold internationalist stance in marrying a Turkish woman. As we all know, EMEP’s line is to recruit exclusively via family ties at this point, and therefore this wedding represents a great victory for Marxism-Leninism.”

The MLKP issued an official condemnation of the wedding as further proof of EMEP’s “reformism”, calling on [REDACTED] and his bride to divorce one another immediately, marry Circassians drawn from the ICOR affiliate’s ranks, and celebrate with a 100% Kurdish wedding, “the only correct line in the Turkish context”.

“Figen” Most Popular Girls’ Name in Küçük Armutlu for 2015

ESP

İSTANBUL – Following the shocking news, first published in the widely-read Marxist-Leninist-Lukácsist newspaper Toplumsal Özgürlük, that “Figen” topped the list of most popular names for baby girls in Küçük Armutlu for 2015, the DHKP-C has stepped up its attacks on the HDP, ESP, and all other opportunist traitors.

“We don’t want people to think this is pure political sectarianism. It’s also partially religious sectarianism. Nobody should think we haven’t noticed a change in the Turkish left lately: A lot of Circassians running around with the MLKP. You ever seen a Circassian in a cemevi? Neither have I. But I’ve seen a lot of Circassian police…” we were informed by “Ali”, a member of an unnamed leftist group who spoke to us on the condition that we buy tickets to a Grup Yorum concert.

“Of course, it’s also political sectarianism. We are very sectarian. If I meet any of these traitorous infant girls who dared to be named Figen… a calamity will come to her head.”

Representatives from EMEP attempted to make peace between the ESP and the Grup Yorum fans, however, this only made matters worse.

“SUNNIS! ALBANIANS!” screamed masked young men who hurled petrol bombs at the quickly retreating anti-revisionist contingent. “PARLIAMENTARIANS!”

Selma Gürkan turned to Worker’s Spatula’s local correspondent as they ducked behind a corner to avoid a volley of fireworks. “You see what we have to deal with, don’t you? We try to be principled, we try to build up popular fronts, and we get attacked by everyone no matter what we do. Can you believe we’re still at this level of sectarianism?”

“I dunno,” replied our correspondent. “I mostly read Alınteri.”

At press time, the so-called “Popular Front” had restored some semblance of order in the neighbourhood and chased out all the bad people who take part in electoral struggle. A fatwa was issued by local dede Hasan Hüseyinoğlu:

So as to prevent further strife in our community, henceforth all newborn girls must be named with a name chosen from the following list: Mahire.

We are right, we will win.

News In Brief: February 22nd 2016

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İSTANBUL – It’s becoming increasingly apparent that bourgeois “leftist” Boğaziçi student and self-proclaimed “Trotskyist” Ayşegül Yılmaz does not actually know who Stalin and Trotsky were: “Stalin’s model was one of one-man dictatorship which was worse than capitalism, and he opposed democracies around the world,” said Yılmaz, espousing views closer to those of Kautsky than Trotsky and ascribing to the Marxist-Leninist leader views more akin to those of Blanqui than any of the above. “Trotsky understood you have to let the people make a revolution, whereas Stalin believed a small dictatorial clique could abolish capitalism for the people”. Her friend, Levent Öztürk, agreed: “The worst part about Stalin was that he was so power mad, he wanted to take over the world. He should’ve just built socialism in one country, like the Cubans.”

KUALA LUMPUR – Friends Amar bin Yusuf and Lim Yew finished watching the documentary “the Last Communist” by Amir Muhammad in the latter’s apartment. “Pretty cool,” commented bin Yusuf to Lim. “Too bad we can’t have anything like that in today’s Malaysia.” “Yeah,” agreed Lim. “Those days are over now…” he lamented, clicking away from the YouTube window, which contained a related video on Lenin’s “What Is To be Done?”.

OUAGADOUGOU – Parti communiste révolutionnaire voltaïque cadres continue to wonder why they aren’t more popular with the Burkinabe masses. “We don’t get it! We refused to work with Thomas Sankara in the past, and we refuse to change our name to reflect the current legal name of the country to this day,” complained party cadre Souleymane Bambara. “Why can’t the stupid people of the Upper Volta see that we are the real revolutionaries and anti-imperialists? After all, we’re the ones with relations to EMEP!”

NEW YORK – People are acting surprised that CPUSA is more in Hillary Clinton’s pocket than most registered Democrats at this point. I mean, it’s the CPUSA. The more interesting news is the RCPUSA, which is intervening in the Republican primaries to support Cruz against “Trumpite fascism”.

Stalin Society of North America to Release “Revolutionary Russian Reader”

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CHICAGO – The Stalin Society of North America has elected to ring in the new year with the release of a book sure to delight its core audience: The Revolutionary Russian Reader promises to educate the reader in key points of Russian grammar and lexicon through example texts culled from the writings of V.I. Lenin and Joseph Stalin.

“It’s for young comrades who want to learn Russian, but can’t relate to the dry dialogues about buying tickets and going round a friend’s place for tea. We figure some theoretical and propagandistic texts written by the minds responsible for the most exciting chapters of Russian history would be more engaging for a lot of people,” explained Alfonso Casal, author of the Revolutionary Russian Reader, Chairperson of the SSNA, and National Spokesperson for the American Party of Labor.

“Is it a niche market? Sure. But Anglo-Americans who are actually willing to learn a second language are already a niche market. And you’d be hard pressed to find a pairing more natural than Russian and Marxism-Leninism.”

Asked how accessible the book would be as an actual textbook for learning the language, Casal excitedly opened the book to the first unit “Лозунги/Slogans”.

“This is the chapter where we teach the Russian case system. It might seem like a lot, but when you’ve got ‘Вся власть Советам!’ memorised as ‘All power to the Soviets!’, how can you ever forget the plural dative?”

“From there we go all the way up to lengthy sections taken from the Collected Works. Both of them.”

Asked if he thought the books would sell, Casal assured us that not only was there already a substantial pre-order list, but that the rumour is that the Maoists are putting together a similar work for the Chinese language.

“We thought of doing the same thing for Albanian, because you know, Enver Hoxha. But who’s going to learn Albanian? Even EMEP never did it. EMEP!”

Conference of Anglo Trotskyists on Syria a Huge Hit with Turkish and Kurdish Left

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ISTANBUL – Friday’s “Understanding the Syrian Revolution” conference was a rousing success, with presentations by many Trotskyist organisations from English-speaking countries, and a strong turnout from many left-wing organisations in Istanbul, glad to finally understand the Syrian context thanks to the informed work of the Trotskyists.

An older EMEP member who chose to remain anonymous revealed his impressions to our correspondent: “I had always thought Trotskyists were idiots, but now that I’ve seen the brilliant analysis they do in English-speaking countries, I suddenly see that I’ve been on the wrong path all along. Truly they are right, and the primary contradiction is Assad, and not the jihadists. How could we, from right next to Syria, have been so blind, and the Anglos’ eyes been so wide open? For this I blame Stalin, who I renounce at once, forever.”

The most heated moment came in the form of a debate between the Spartacist League of the UK and the ISO from the US on the subject: “ISIS: Harmless or Heroic?” While both sides agreed that the biggest danger to Syrian civilians was the Assad regime, the ISO’s position was that ISIS didn’t kill so many civilians and would be easily defeated by the famous progressive secular Arab rebels, who were much more powerful on the ground, and therefore needn’t factor into our calculations, whereas the Spartacist position was that ISIS was the only powerful anti-imperialist force on the ground, and would easily wipe out all their rivals, including the regime, rival rebel groups, and the PYD.

The debate ended with the Spartacist representative referring to her counterpart from the ISO as a “CIA agent”, and the ISO representative defended himself by saying that while his position didn’t differ from the CIA’s, the lack of a paycheque from Langley should absolve him of all responsibility. Both sides then took questions, to which they provided generic answers about the need for proletarian revolution.

Around 3 PM, there was deep interest by various Alawite organisations in a presentation by representatives of a small Trotskyist organisation from the US called League for the Revolutionary Party, entitled “Why Salih Muslim is Wrong about Assad.” All Alawites in attendance, who were predominantly affiliated with DHF, ESP, TÖPG, and DHKP-C, listened with keen interest as it was explained to them that it was sectarian to be concerned with the safety of Arab Alawites in Syria, and that real internationalist revolutionaries would support “the secular Syrian Revolution” without resorting to “petty tribalism”.

“The same goes for the Kurds. They need to stop worrying about the balance of the forces or national liberation and stand behind the real democratic forces in Syria.”

“They really opened our eyes,” explained Heval Şoreş, a Kurdish student in attendence. “Before I saw the Australian ‘Socialist Alternative’s talk entitled ‘Kurds Hate Freedom’, I had been blinded by the leadership of the Kurdish movement. Now I understand that I must become a real internationalist revolutionary, like the heroes in London and New York, and not tail behind a dead-end nationalist movement like the one we see in Rojava.”

Fearing that the anti-revisionist hegemony of the Turkish left has been shaken by the masterful propaganda coup by their Trotskyist counterparts, an emergency meeting of various anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninist groups in the US was called. So great are the fears of the anti-revisionists that Trotskyist hegemony will be extended from the Anglosphere into Turkey and North Kurdistan, that even hyper-sectarians like the RCPUSA attended and took an active role. At the meeting, they determined that a counter-conference would be held next week in Istanbul, entitled “We are not worthy! We worship you, o Turkish and Kurdish revolutionaries, who carry guns for the revolution! We are unworthy even to kiss your feet!”

Explaining that the situation was dire indeed, and nothing was off the table, a representative of the RCPUSA spoke to our correspondent.

“We’re all in this together, yeah?” said the RCPUSA representative. “We’ve already booked a ticket to fly Bob Avakian from… wherever he is… we won’t say, but probably the flight is gonna be out of JFK.”

“Besides, we’re sure if we can get some of our people into Gazi Mahallesi, MKP and TKP/ML will reconsider their position on the New Synthesis.”

Doğu Perinçek Champions Amnesty International Report

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ANKARA – Following the release of a controversial report by Israel’s favourite Human Rights organisation, Amnesty International, on alleged destruction of Arab villages by PYD forces, known piece of shit Doğu Perinçek, chair of the Vatan Partisi (Homeland Party), released a video statement condemning the PYD’s “crimes against Turkey”.

“The PYD is trying to divide Turkey by killing Syrian Arabs. They’re committing genocide against the Syrian Arabs and they’re doing it because they’re agents of the Americans. Amnesty International are also agents of the Americans, but this time they’re right, because since the Russians are now supporting the PYD, that means that the rules of the game have changed, and Amnesty International must also be agents of the Russians, and therefore objective.”

Amnesty International has called on the PYD, and no one else in Syria, to pay compensation to their alleged victims. In a not at all suspiciously timed video, the PYD is accused of systematic destruction of Arab villages which are simultaneously “far from the fighting” and covered in ISIS placards, simply because they are Arab, and also perhaps because of political collaboration with the totally secular and progressive forces of the not-at-all sectarian FSA. Doğu Perinçek continued with his analysis:

“The AKP was talking about PYD genocide against the Palestinians, or Syrians, or whatever, months ago. This shows how trustworthy the information is. The people who disagree with the AKP are all agents of the Americans, unlike the AKP, which is fighting for Turkey’s sovereignty against the forces of the deep state, as everyone understood during the Ergenekon trials.”

At this point in the video, Perinçek looks off-camera, as if he has received a signal, says “Okay”, and then turns back to the camera and says: “Except when we say they’re not, of course.”

After a few more suitably self-contradictory statements, Perinçek concluded by announcing “Long live Marxism-Leninism-Deng Xiaoping Thought!” , raising his hand instinctively into a wolf gesture, and then quickly self-correcting to a clenched fist.

Reaction from the actual Turkish left was swift, with groups ranging in their views from ESP to BDSP, and in size from EMEP to TÖPG, issuing response statements condemning Perinçek’s words, “indeed, almost all words he’s ever spoken”. Grup Munzur released a song entitled “Comrade İbrahim was Right, Comrades”, which contains the following stirring lines:

In Diyarbakır prison, Comrade İbrahim was tortured.

That Doğu Perinçek was a traitor, he knew before anyone.

As Comrade İbrahim lay dying, said he:

“I was the one who hated Perinçek first.”

Even Islamic liberation theologian İhsan Eliaçık issued a statement, including within it his feelings on the recent bombing in Ankara:

“That we live in a world where over a hundred good-hearted people can have their lives taken away like that, in the middle of Ankara, while Doğu Perinçek is allowed to live… Well, to be honest, it’s caused me to question my faith in God.”

Surprisingly, even the arch-tirşikçî KP condemned Perinçek’s rhetoric as “divisive”. A representative of the KP, Ömer Akbıyık, had this to say:

“We condemn Perinçek’s naked attempts at currying favour with the AKP government by parroting the propaganda claims of the imperialists. But what can you expect from a reformist party like Vatan Partisi? They are not serious revolutionaries like us. All they ever do is run their small party in elections and make grand statements about what they would do if they were in power, which they obviously never will be, accusing all other political actors of left deviationism for any tactics which actually command the respect of any sizeable portion of the proletariat. It’s clear that any party like that are mere agents of the Turkish state meant to distract the Turkish left from its historic mission of building socialism in Turkey.”

Confusingly, the other half of the TKP split, HTKP, released their own statement saying that their members were free to agree with Perinçek or Akbıyık, then condemning the first statement as liberal and calling for the purging of all members who agreed with Perinçek, who are expected to form their own party, HVP, later this week.

Joint Statement by the German Left Denouncing “Adventurism”

BERLIN – At a press conference in Berlin today, several organisations of the German left came together to release a joint statement denouncing “adventurism”. In an unprecedented case of left unity, the German Communist Party (DKP), Die Linke (The Left), the movementist Interventionistische Linke, as well as various Trotskyist groups denounced every attempt of using militancy in pursuing socialism. “It just doesn’t work,” said the DKP representative at the press conference. “I mean, have you seen a successful revolution in Germany throughout the last decades? No, you haven’t. So we’ve got to end this and find a new strategy.”

The spokeswoman of Interventionistische Linke added: “We fully agree with our slightly Stalinist comrade. Or were they bureaucratic reformists? It doesn’t matter, we are now objectively on the same side. See, we have seen all these protest movements in Southern Europe that turned violent. We get it, the people are angry, as they are impoverished by German politics. But they can’t simply attack police officers or occupy open squares. At the same time, we cannot simply confront the German state because of its politics. I mean, there is democracy here, so we have to participate in elections and hope the German people elect us, so we can end austerity politics. Sorry, friends in the South, these are the rules.”

Upon being asked if the Interventionistische Linke wasn’t in fact a movement-oriented organisation that did not particularly focus on electoral politics, she responded: “Sure, that’s the historical subjective difference, but there’s no objective difference between what we are and leftist groups that don’t get elected. So you know, we just follow trends now. For example: ever since Syriza, we’ve decided we want to be the German Syriza. Our members are all presently working on modifying their appearance and mannerisms to resemble Tsipras. We’ve already got the bad English down, now we’re raising money for plastic surgery so that all our members, men and women, will physically resemble him.”

Further statements from other groups were scarce. Katja Kipping, co-chair of Die Linke said: “Our politics have always been non-confrontational and cowardly, so this isn’t really a new position for us. We love calling everyone ‘adventurist’. We have nothing to add.” While a joint delegate of various Trotskyist groups added: “We, as Trotskyists, are always with the people. The German people today are in their great majority boring petty bourgeois hacks. And so are we.”

After the press conference a small tumult broke out among the Trotskyist groups, because while the one delegate was speaking as agreed upon by all the other groups, several groups changed their minds about the proper procedure. After the fight (itself repeatedly condemned as “adventurist” by its participants while they were delivering blows to their rivals), the representative of NAO (New Anticapitalist Organisation) spoke to us: “No, we all agreed on the message. But we discussed who should present it up until the very last minute. Then the press conference began and we sent the one guy up, but continued discussing the procedure backstage, per our understanding of democratic centralism. That’s how the confusion arose.” Asked if the issue had now been settled once and for all, he responded: “I really doubt it, that wouldn’t be consistent with our overall political line.”

Stefan Engel, the leader of the MLPD, the only notable absent figure of the left in Germany, said the following while drinking in a Bavarian beerhouse with one of our correspondents: “You know what Lenin said about German revolutionaries, right? About how they buy a ticket before occupying a train station? Well, there you have it. The only alternative is my party, the MLPD, and that the downtrodden German peasants will recognise the correctness of our line and join our ranks in masses. We are just months away from declaring an open protracted people’s war on the German state.”

International reactions to the shocking announcement were mixed. A joint response by Marxist parties from Turkey including EMEP, BDSP, Devrimci Parti, SYKP, SODAP and TÖPG read: “Fuck the German left.” The MKP, TKP/ML, Bolşevik Parti, TİKB, and MLKP issued a separate statement that noted it was in full agreement with the aforementioned statement while adding the caveat: “Except the MLPD and our comrade Stefan Engel, the only hope for the fucking Germans.”

Joma Sison, founder of the Communist Party of the Philippines, released a video message on his Facebook page in which he spoke for approximately 15 minutes about Chairman Mao and the great struggle of the CPP-NPA before asking the viewer “So, what was the topic of my message again?” Answering himself, he said: “That’s right, the Germans have done it again. They are Germans, what else is there to say? My good friend Stefan Engel is German and he is not German, but an internationalist at the same time. That is why he is not like them. Also note that this is a prime example of Maoist dialectics.”

Sison then repeated the word “dialectics” intermittently every few seconds for two minutes before the video abruptly stopped.

Didi Zach of the Communist Party of Austria (KPÖ) addressed the issue at his 11 o’clock beer breakfast, where he stated: “We feel a little bit insulted. Why did they not ask us to participate? I am absolutely sure that we would have managed to create a wonderful alliance representing Greater Germany on this issue. I mean, ‘the German speaking world’, or how do you say that these days? You know what? Let’s go with ‘Greater Germany’. After all, our sole mission is to expel everything the old KPÖ stood for from our party and as it was the only party defending the Austrian nation against the ‘Greater Germany’ concept, I think that’s the concept we’ll follow.”