Erkan Baş Speech Briefly Interrupted by Splitters

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İSTANBUL/STEMBOL – As Erkan Baş, the leader of the Communist Party of Turkey (also known as HTKP), took to the stage at the International Workers’ Day celebration in Bakırköy (Kurdish: Gundê Bekir), a group of neo-Trotskyite splitters from the TKP calling themselves “KP” began jeering at TÖPG’s favourite Brezhnevite, doubtless driven by jealousy of Erkan Baş’s formidable moustache.

“This is truly unacceptable,” explained leader of the KP pack and occasional reader of Nazım Hikmet poetry Emre Tokatçı to an EMEP-affiliated* Worker’s Spatula correspondent in attendance. “We only came because we thought we were going to be the centre of attention. If anyone is going to mention any other communists in Turkey, we’re going home.”

Following the completion of this sentence, all assembled KP members indeed began marching home, to the comfort of the Nazım Hikmet Kültür Merkezi in Ali Suavi Sk. (AKA Sanatçılar Sokağı) in Kadıköy.

For our foreign readers, the NHKM is a magical place where nobody ever mentions Kurds or popular fronts or any other such right deviationist nonsense.

By sheer coincidence, this move to abandon the International Workers’ Day celebration also meant that KP avoided any confrontation with the fascist Turkish police whatsoever.

The KP’s sister party in Greece, KKE, responded immediately with a statement condemning the entire Turkish left for “failing to defend KP, at a time when the sharpest and clearest contradiction in Turkish society is the defence of Kemal Okuyan”.

The Turkish Ministry of the Interior has issued a statement encouraging all young communists who insist on wasting their time with “that nonsense” to side with KP against all rivals (whether HTKP, TKP 1920, or KP-İÖ, if they still exist). The Turkish Foreign Ministry, meanwhile, has issued a statement encouraging all foreigners to simply ignore the whole affair, and indeed, anything that is not printed in an official AKP-approved press release.

*ESP and Devrimci Parti were mostly embedded in the fight for Taksim.

HDK Parties Courting Fired Academic

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ANKARA – Fırat Önder, a left-wing academic recently fired unceremoniously from his position at Ankara University for his opposition to the Turkish state’s war on the Kurdish people, has been without any faint hope of another job since his passport was cancelled by AKP edict. However, he has not wanted for friends in these trying times.

This morning, TÖPG cadres reportedly showed up at the former History professor’s apartment door with a bouquet of flowers to ask him if he wanted to consider going out for a date sometime: “Any day you’re free, we can go to the park and distribute propaganda, or we can talk about dialectics. Whatever you want, abi,” said the young man clutching the yellow roses close to his equally yellow TÖPG vest.

Önder’s newfound popularity is not limited to TÖPG, the only element of the Turkish left whose cadre read as much Hegel as the Germans. Nearly every HDK party or group has come to him, hoping to win him over to their line. We sat down with Önder in his apartment in Çankaya to discuss his situation.

“It started with the letters of support from my students,” explained Önder to our correspondent over tea in his apartment, as SYKP cadre outside his window knocked on it, waving around pamphlets. “A Kurdish student who lost her little brother in the attack on Sûr told me that I was in her prayers. It breaks my heart to think about that.”

“I guess my students really liked me, because before long, they started getting involved in the campaigns for academics who have been fired. One of them joined Partizan and kept ‘bumping into me’ in the street. Now it’s like I’m in some Turkish film from the ’70s, where instead of being courted by men representing different social classes, I’m being courted by a bunch of 20-year-old revolutionaries who started reading Marx because of me.”

Attempts at courtship have varied in their scrupulousness: “Halkevleri approached me the other night at a bar. It was a man about my age and three much younger women whom he seemed to be offering as some sort of socialist concubines. I told them to fuck off, and they asked me, ‘what are you gay or something?’.

“Then there was DSİP. They said they would ring Callinicos for money for myself and other fired academics if I would help them attack EMEP and ESP.”

When asked if he thought he was going to get organised in the end, Önder nodded eagerly and said “Actually, I’m pretty sure I’m going to start working with Devrimci Parti, but they need to get me a few pairs of their trainers to sweeten the deal. I’m not going to give myself away so quickly and look cheap.”

 

Turkey Condemns Violence Against Anti-Trump Protesters

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ANKARA – Following news of multiple shooting deaths of peaceful anti-Trump protesters in multiple cities across the United States, the Turkish Ministery of Foreign Affairs has condemned the United States’ disproportionate use of force against peaceful protesters.

Additionally, a travel warning has been issued to Turkish citizens in the US, advising them to return to the safety and stability of Turkey in 2016.

Across Turkey, MHP thugs in the process of beating Kurds in the street paused from their daily activities to comment on how this demonstrated the now 100% MHP-approved AKP government had finally restored Turkey to its rightful place in the family of nations.

“That sünnetsiz Trump is already brutalising his own citizens, in the same country that has for years tried to intervene in our democracy,” opined one Ahmet Bozkurt, referring to the years of CIA funding to his party and other right-wing forces of Turkish fascism which had suppressed the Kurdish national movement and various communist organisations.

Flipping his tespih with one hand while using the other to hold down Ali Savaş – a helpless Kurdish worker who had come to Bozkurt’s native Trabzon to feed his impoverished Mêrdîn family – Bozkurt continued: “This’ll really tell the west to stop meddling in our affairs and using their so-called ‘human rights’ against us and no other country.”

“İnsan olmayan Kürtlerin insan hakları yok ki,” he concluded, landing another blow to the worker’s face.

İzmir police officer and longtime MHP-voter Hakan Top agreed: “There’s definitely no difference in the level of repression of protests between our countries, they only hate us because we’re Muslims.”

“They’re all Kurd-lovers too,” he added, before pepper-gassing the interior of his police truck, which contained a sixteen-year-old girl affiliated with TÖPG youth wing Liseli Kıvılcım, as well two youngsters affiliated with the SGDF.

“The days of double standards are over,” explained Mardin native and state-appointed cleric Abdullah Çelikçioğlu. “In the old days, the US would invade Arab countries to fight people they called terrorists, and when Turkey did the same thing… I dunno what happened actually, but now presumably nothing will happen.”

MHP sources are still divided as to whether protesting Trump is actually desirable, with most insisting on “waiting to see where Trump stands on Kurds” before forming any opinion whatsoever.

Enver Hoxha Elected President of the United States

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WASHINGTON D.C. – Following a tense campaign between feminist theorist Hillary Clinton and male underwear model Donald Trump, the polls for the 2016 US Presidential Election closed today with every single state reporting back a win for the late Albanian socialist Enver Hoxha.

Most analysts are at a loss for how the deceased anti-imperialist who is not even a US citizen could have beaten out the Clinton dynasty and Trump’s name-brand recognition as a famous academic and gourmet halal butcher. However, communists across the world are making the claim that the accelerationist strategy of the many US communists who infiltrated Trump’s campaign has actually paid off: The fascist threat was simply perceived as so great that the masses across the United States had nowhere to turn but a heroic anti-fascist partisan leader.

Across the United States, celebrating youth took to the streets with their Albanian flags. “It’s really happening!” exclaimed a young woman who identified herself as “Red Dawn”, with tears of joy in her eyes, “The revisionists are going to get it now! Throw ’em into the fire, break their backs!”

“We did it, comrades! Marxism-Leninism, Marxism-Leninism, Marxism-Leninism!” announced Hoxha campaign representative Alfonso Casal, from his personal bunker in Chicago. “Hope is all around us. Liberation is coming. I would like to announce my own candidacy for mayor of Chicago. I will be running on a platform of punching Rahm Emanuel in the fucking face.”

In her concession speech, Clinton stated that “Although I think expropriating the expropriators, national liberation, and bunkers from sea to shining sea are not the sort of policies that will help America, I believe in the peaceful transition of power. This is what makes our country truly great, and I call on all Americans to accept that we now live under a dictatorship of the proletariat.”

For his part, Trump responded to the question “How do you feel about losing?” by saying “Oh, did I lose?” before laughing a big belly laugh and evaporating before the very eyes of assembled reporters.

Our Santiago representative sat down with a young man in dire need of a haircut to discuss the international reaction to the Hoxha win:

“Well, tas tas tas, obviously.” explained the PC(AP) representative. “The ICMLPO is ecstatic, and ICOR elements are already looking into how to use this win as leverage in the campaigns to free Figen Yüksekdağ and Alp Altınörs.

“The RIM Maoists have declared it a win for ‘dogmato-revisionism’, but who really understands what those guys are talking about? Red suns and higher stages and dogmato-revisionism, it’s all quite spooky.”

The KKE also released a statement which summarised the win as representing “the will of the people of the United States, and proof that exclusively running in bourgeois elections while eschewing all compromise is a sure path to victory.”

While international communist response to the Hoxha win was generally cautiously optimistic to positive, the local official representatives of “communism”, the CPUSA, released the following statement:

“We condemn this adventurist victory on behalf of the Enver Hoxha campaign, which, like the Sanders campaign before it, could threaten the Democrats’ ability to control 100% of the senate and congress, which we must reiterate is the only way in which we can hope to subjectively intervene and present ourselves with better objective conditions.”

KP Visitor to Diyarbekir Disgusted by Headscarved Woman

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DIYARBEKIR/AMED – Ankara “Komünist Parti” cadre Cenk Uğur visited Diyarbekir today, to take in the political culture and make a rational analysis, as well as meet local KP comrades in their office.

Of particular note was the presence of ESP in the city, whose rhetoric and mannerisms Uğur felt especially unbecoming of a supposedly revolutionary socialist organisation:

“Can you believe they had a headscarved woman in their midst? I mean, you guys don’t seem to have any women at all in your ranks, but if you did I’m sure you’d agree with me that they should be completely secular, just like our vision of socialism for Turkey,” explained Uğur to his nodding comrades.

“Well what do you expect from ESP, comrade? They don’t understand socialism like we do. They’re vulgar Kurdish nationalists, so they dress and act and think and talk exactly like the DBP,” responded Şîrvan Öztürk, the apparent leader of the Diyarbekir KP group.

“We need to leave behind all our old prejudices, whether bourgeois Kurdish nationalism or Islam, and build a totally new society. This is what makes the KP special.”

Uğur left very disappointed with Diyarbekir as a whole, but consoled himself with the high quality of his new comrades. Following Uğur’s departure, local KP cadres wasted no time in looking up their new comrade on Facebook, where they harshly judged his sister’s “whorish” appearance.

At press time, Uğur had received friend requests from all the KP cadres in Diyarbekir, along with this message from Öztürk:

It was great meeting you today, comrade. I hope we’ll be able to come out to Ankara to see you, your comrades, and your family. Long live socialism!

“Figen” Most Popular Girls’ Name in Küçük Armutlu for 2015

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İSTANBUL – Following the shocking news, first published in the widely-read Marxist-Leninist-Lukácsist newspaper Toplumsal Özgürlük, that “Figen” topped the list of most popular names for baby girls in Küçük Armutlu for 2015, the DHKP-C has stepped up its attacks on the HDP, ESP, and all other opportunist traitors.

“We don’t want people to think this is pure political sectarianism. It’s also partially religious sectarianism. Nobody should think we haven’t noticed a change in the Turkish left lately: A lot of Circassians running around with the MLKP. You ever seen a Circassian in a cemevi? Neither have I. But I’ve seen a lot of Circassian police…” we were informed by “Ali”, a member of an unnamed leftist group who spoke to us on the condition that we buy tickets to a Grup Yorum concert.

“Of course, it’s also political sectarianism. We are very sectarian. If I meet any of these traitorous infant girls who dared to be named Figen… a calamity will come to her head.”

Representatives from EMEP attempted to make peace between the ESP and the Grup Yorum fans, however, this only made matters worse.

“SUNNIS! ALBANIANS!” screamed masked young men who hurled petrol bombs at the quickly retreating anti-revisionist contingent. “PARLIAMENTARIANS!”

Selma Gürkan turned to Worker’s Spatula’s local correspondent as they ducked behind a corner to avoid a volley of fireworks. “You see what we have to deal with, don’t you? We try to be principled, we try to build up popular fronts, and we get attacked by everyone no matter what we do. Can you believe we’re still at this level of sectarianism?”

“I dunno,” replied our correspondent. “I mostly read Alınteri.”

At press time, the so-called “Popular Front” had restored some semblance of order in the neighbourhood and chased out all the bad people who take part in electoral struggle. A fatwa was issued by local dede Hasan Hüseyinoğlu:

So as to prevent further strife in our community, henceforth all newborn girls must be named with a name chosen from the following list: Mahire.

We are right, we will win.

Conference of Anglo Trotskyists on Syria a Huge Hit with Turkish and Kurdish Left

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ISTANBUL – Friday’s “Understanding the Syrian Revolution” conference was a rousing success, with presentations by many Trotskyist organisations from English-speaking countries, and a strong turnout from many left-wing organisations in Istanbul, glad to finally understand the Syrian context thanks to the informed work of the Trotskyists.

An older EMEP member who chose to remain anonymous revealed his impressions to our correspondent: “I had always thought Trotskyists were idiots, but now that I’ve seen the brilliant analysis they do in English-speaking countries, I suddenly see that I’ve been on the wrong path all along. Truly they are right, and the primary contradiction is Assad, and not the jihadists. How could we, from right next to Syria, have been so blind, and the Anglos’ eyes been so wide open? For this I blame Stalin, who I renounce at once, forever.”

The most heated moment came in the form of a debate between the Spartacist League of the UK and the ISO from the US on the subject: “ISIS: Harmless or Heroic?” While both sides agreed that the biggest danger to Syrian civilians was the Assad regime, the ISO’s position was that ISIS didn’t kill so many civilians and would be easily defeated by the famous progressive secular Arab rebels, who were much more powerful on the ground, and therefore needn’t factor into our calculations, whereas the Spartacist position was that ISIS was the only powerful anti-imperialist force on the ground, and would easily wipe out all their rivals, including the regime, rival rebel groups, and the PYD.

The debate ended with the Spartacist representative referring to her counterpart from the ISO as a “CIA agent”, and the ISO representative defended himself by saying that while his position didn’t differ from the CIA’s, the lack of a paycheque from Langley should absolve him of all responsibility. Both sides then took questions, to which they provided generic answers about the need for proletarian revolution.

Around 3 PM, there was deep interest by various Alawite organisations in a presentation by representatives of a small Trotskyist organisation from the US called League for the Revolutionary Party, entitled “Why Salih Muslim is Wrong about Assad.” All Alawites in attendance, who were predominantly affiliated with DHF, ESP, TÖPG, and DHKP-C, listened with keen interest as it was explained to them that it was sectarian to be concerned with the safety of Arab Alawites in Syria, and that real internationalist revolutionaries would support “the secular Syrian Revolution” without resorting to “petty tribalism”.

“The same goes for the Kurds. They need to stop worrying about the balance of the forces or national liberation and stand behind the real democratic forces in Syria.”

“They really opened our eyes,” explained Heval Şoreş, a Kurdish student in attendence. “Before I saw the Australian ‘Socialist Alternative’s talk entitled ‘Kurds Hate Freedom’, I had been blinded by the leadership of the Kurdish movement. Now I understand that I must become a real internationalist revolutionary, like the heroes in London and New York, and not tail behind a dead-end nationalist movement like the one we see in Rojava.”

Fearing that the anti-revisionist hegemony of the Turkish left has been shaken by the masterful propaganda coup by their Trotskyist counterparts, an emergency meeting of various anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninist groups in the US was called. So great are the fears of the anti-revisionists that Trotskyist hegemony will be extended from the Anglosphere into Turkey and North Kurdistan, that even hyper-sectarians like the RCPUSA attended and took an active role. At the meeting, they determined that a counter-conference would be held next week in Istanbul, entitled “We are not worthy! We worship you, o Turkish and Kurdish revolutionaries, who carry guns for the revolution! We are unworthy even to kiss your feet!”

Explaining that the situation was dire indeed, and nothing was off the table, a representative of the RCPUSA spoke to our correspondent.

“We’re all in this together, yeah?” said the RCPUSA representative. “We’ve already booked a ticket to fly Bob Avakian from… wherever he is… we won’t say, but probably the flight is gonna be out of JFK.”

“Besides, we’re sure if we can get some of our people into Gazi Mahallesi, MKP and TKP/ML will reconsider their position on the New Synthesis.”

Vatan Partisi Embraces Lindsay Lohan, Vows to Defeat Imperialism with Her Help

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LONDON – Lindsay Lohan created some confusion and uproar when she shared a map of the contours of Turkey covered in the Turkish flag on Instagram. She added: “In order to understand your future you must know your past! 13 more years of Unity and Hope!!” As this came only two days before Turkey’s snap election that was forced by the unwillingness of President Erdoğan to accept the electoral defeat of his party and consequently his eagerness to start a mini-war for his own amusement in Kurdistan, Lohan’s strange share was widely seen as an endorsement of the AKP and Erdoğan, who have been in power for an ominous 13 years.

Lohan mostly caused disbelief and shock among her followers and non-followers and led many Kurds to wonder if there was another country on earth that had the same shape as Turkey and used the same flag, because the talk of 13 years of unity – or in fact unity at all – was intellectually inconceivable for them. When asked about his reaction, our friend Şahîn from Silvan stated: “How can the international community accept two countries with the same shape and flag? Is Turkey planning to sue this other country for copyright infringement? Because there’s obviously no way she means Turkey, right?” Heval Ed from Şırnak also expressed his surprise: “In what mahalle does she live?” He added with absolute conviction: “Clearly there is no YDG-H there and drug dealers can do their business unharmed.”

Despite the incredulous reaction from the Kurds, Lohan has also received some praise for her bold post. President Erdoğan held up Lohan as a role model that Turkish women should seek to emulate, if only she could cover herself, quit alcohol, drugs and smoking, and of course quit working so as to better serve her husband at home. “These are minor details that can be fixed, her political views are fantastic, however,” he concluded.

Prime Minister Davutoğlu, who recently called on AKP supporters who could not find a partner to ask him personally for help, enquired if he could place Lohan on his list of potential spouses for strapping young reactionary lads.

An even more enthusiastic endorsement came from the Vatan Partisi and their leader and winner of the not-exactly-coveted “most treasonous” award at the Commies nearly every year, Doğu Perinçek. A statement by Perinçek reads: “We greet our comrade Lindsay and we welcome her endorsement of the unity of the Turkish state against the separatist terrorists and the forces of imperialism which are their puppet masters. We have learnt that she is considering running for the US presidency in 2020, and we invite her to do so on the Vatan Partisi platform. The Vatan Partisi and its leader, the hero of the Turkish people, Doğu Perinçek – yes, correct, that’s me – will defeat US imperialism from within by winning the presidency with our comrade Lindsay. We have already succeeded in convincing the European Court of Human Rights that the Armenian Genocide was a lie, now is the time to finish Hollywood and its imperialism with the help of Lindsay Lohan.”

HDP co-chair and prominent figure of Adana’s Albanian community, Figen Yüksekdağ, responded by calling on Lindsay Lohan to “do some research, purchase a proper trouser suit, and unite with the democratic and progressive forces leading the oppressed and… oh who am I kidding? It’s Lindsay Lohan, for God’s sake.”

Lindsay Lohan was pleasantly surprised by all the positive reactions, however, she added that she did not feel to comfortable with everyday political work. “I mean, you know, it’s really not what I’m good at. Like, y’know, if they send me somewhere to campaign for the party, like Hakkari or Silver Lake or something… I’m not sure I could do that. Neither seem like a safe environment for me.” She added, however, that she could envision herself making testimonials for the Vatan Partisi. “And also, y’know, I would love to meet Perinçek. Apparently him and his followers have found a method to completely dissociate themselves from the real and material world without drugs… If they tell me their secret, that might be good for my health too, y’know.”

Following this exchange of statements President Erdoğan released another statement: “Oh, the Vatan Partisi claims her? Well, that’s alright, they are with us.”

Even “the Caliphate” issued a statement. A video surfaced on the internet in which an ISIS spokesperson going by the name Murat al-Adiyamanli addressed Lohan. “If she ever has an interest, we will always welcome her with open arms. I mean, clearly, she is not living a proper Islamic lifestyle, but then, who among us is? The important thing is her fierce opposition to the atheist communist PKK animals, we will work the religion thing out somehow or other.”

President Erdoğan used his seemingly unending screen time to address the ISIS video as well: “Oh, ISIS wants her now? Well, again, no problem, we are cool with them too.”

Doğu Perinçek Champions Amnesty International Report

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ANKARA – Following the release of a controversial report by Israel’s favourite Human Rights organisation, Amnesty International, on alleged destruction of Arab villages by PYD forces, known piece of shit Doğu Perinçek, chair of the Vatan Partisi (Homeland Party), released a video statement condemning the PYD’s “crimes against Turkey”.

“The PYD is trying to divide Turkey by killing Syrian Arabs. They’re committing genocide against the Syrian Arabs and they’re doing it because they’re agents of the Americans. Amnesty International are also agents of the Americans, but this time they’re right, because since the Russians are now supporting the PYD, that means that the rules of the game have changed, and Amnesty International must also be agents of the Russians, and therefore objective.”

Amnesty International has called on the PYD, and no one else in Syria, to pay compensation to their alleged victims. In a not at all suspiciously timed video, the PYD is accused of systematic destruction of Arab villages which are simultaneously “far from the fighting” and covered in ISIS placards, simply because they are Arab, and also perhaps because of political collaboration with the totally secular and progressive forces of the not-at-all sectarian FSA. Doğu Perinçek continued with his analysis:

“The AKP was talking about PYD genocide against the Palestinians, or Syrians, or whatever, months ago. This shows how trustworthy the information is. The people who disagree with the AKP are all agents of the Americans, unlike the AKP, which is fighting for Turkey’s sovereignty against the forces of the deep state, as everyone understood during the Ergenekon trials.”

At this point in the video, Perinçek looks off-camera, as if he has received a signal, says “Okay”, and then turns back to the camera and says: “Except when we say they’re not, of course.”

After a few more suitably self-contradictory statements, Perinçek concluded by announcing “Long live Marxism-Leninism-Deng Xiaoping Thought!” , raising his hand instinctively into a wolf gesture, and then quickly self-correcting to a clenched fist.

Reaction from the actual Turkish left was swift, with groups ranging in their views from ESP to BDSP, and in size from EMEP to TÖPG, issuing response statements condemning Perinçek’s words, “indeed, almost all words he’s ever spoken”. Grup Munzur released a song entitled “Comrade İbrahim was Right, Comrades”, which contains the following stirring lines:

In Diyarbakır prison, Comrade İbrahim was tortured.

That Doğu Perinçek was a traitor, he knew before anyone.

As Comrade İbrahim lay dying, said he:

“I was the one who hated Perinçek first.”

Even Islamic liberation theologian İhsan Eliaçık issued a statement, including within it his feelings on the recent bombing in Ankara:

“That we live in a world where over a hundred good-hearted people can have their lives taken away like that, in the middle of Ankara, while Doğu Perinçek is allowed to live… Well, to be honest, it’s caused me to question my faith in God.”

Surprisingly, even the arch-tirşikçî KP condemned Perinçek’s rhetoric as “divisive”. A representative of the KP, Ömer Akbıyık, had this to say:

“We condemn Perinçek’s naked attempts at currying favour with the AKP government by parroting the propaganda claims of the imperialists. But what can you expect from a reformist party like Vatan Partisi? They are not serious revolutionaries like us. All they ever do is run their small party in elections and make grand statements about what they would do if they were in power, which they obviously never will be, accusing all other political actors of left deviationism for any tactics which actually command the respect of any sizeable portion of the proletariat. It’s clear that any party like that are mere agents of the Turkish state meant to distract the Turkish left from its historic mission of building socialism in Turkey.”

Confusingly, the other half of the TKP split, HTKP, released their own statement saying that their members were free to agree with Perinçek or Akbıyık, then condemning the first statement as liberal and calling for the purging of all members who agreed with Perinçek, who are expected to form their own party, HVP, later this week.