Bob Avakian Wearing a Balaclava Now

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NEW YORK – Bob Avakian is apparently appearing in public wearing a balaclava now, and quite often smoking a pipe. Sources within the RCPUSA can neither confirm nor deny any connection between the chairman’s new appearance and the recent announcement that all charges by the Mexican state against EZLN commander Subcomandante Marcos have been dropped due to the statute of limitations laws in that country.

The move, which the CPUSA condemned as “not something the Democratic Party would approve of”, is expected to increase Bob Avakian’s popularity among Chicanos who are already members of the RCPUSA.

Sources in New York were divided on the new choice, with genius theoretician and New School professor Andrew Arato stating: “Everything except my academic publications is adventurism. This applies to the movements of national liberation for the Palestinians and the Kurds, and it applies to whatever it is Bob Avakian does.”

RCPUSA member Raymond Lotta, well known for having a superior moustache to Andrew Arato, disagreed, stating: “Everything Chairman Avakian does draws him closer to the Chicano masses in the United States, whether it is wearing their traditional folk costume or supporting Ted Cruz against Trumpite fascism. Bob Avakian is my daddy.”

RCPUSA sources were also unable to confirm or deny rumours that Bob Avakian is planning to run for the office of President of the United Mexican States on a platform of “a chicken in every pot and a new synthesis for every contradiction”.

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Worker’s Spatula New Year’s Message and Self-Criticism

Zapatistas

CHIAPAS – After a prolonged silence, the central committee of the editorial staff of Worker’s Spatula, the most revolutionary publication in the English language, have emerged from the jungles of Chiapas wearing black balaclavas and toting rifles to address world public opinion, and the revolutionaries of the world in the particular.

In the front, a podgy comrade with an English accent and a smoking pipe protruding from his balaclava read out a prepared statement:

Toilers, strugglers, downtrodden of humanity: We, the central committee of the editorial staff of Worker’s Spatula, the vanguard of the vanguard of the vanguard of the revolution, stand before you as the guests of the EZLN, who are our real and true homies. We offer them a red salute, and a red salute to the brave comrades fighting on the front lines against fascism in Kurdistan, and of course, to the brave comrades fighting on the front lines of the House of Commons in Londonistan.

Unfortunately, 2015 failed to deliver a new socialist state. Despite our previous statements to the effect that we would take responsibility for all revolutionary success and deny any culpability for revolutionary failure at any time or place, we would like to publicly recognise the fact that we have not been fully shouldering the responsibility for leading revolutionary struggle vested in us by internet Marxists around the world.

Therefore, we would like to take this opportunity to give our self-criticism publicly, and in this fashion redouble the faith of the revolutionary vanguard forces around the world in us.

Up to this point, Worker’s Spatula has wasted altogether too much time and effort on mocking various Trotskyist organisations. This has been a pointless diversion: We have already made clear that we do not believe any Trotskyist organisation will ever carry out the first Trotskyist revolution in world history, and repeating this point ad nauseum while making fun of this quasi-Marxist tendency’s increasingly liberal stances on the question of imperialism is masturbatory at best.

Conversely, we have perhaps been too nice to Maoists. Expect more Maoism jokes in the new year.

We would also like to self-criticise for our failure to provide a very wide geographic range of coverage. This is partially a limitation based on trusted contacts in countries we don’t cover as much, but we can and will try to rectify this.

In this vein, we would like to mention that we intend to cover other national liberation movements other than Kurdistan. National liberation movements are an important part of the struggle against imperialism, and we can and should cover such diverse topics as Palestine, Ireland, and the Tamils of Sri Lanka.

Our visual propaganda has also been very lazy. Our photoshop of Jeremy Corbyn as Joseph Stalin was very successful and gained us a broader audience, to say nothing of our brilliant meme depicting Stalin as an “ethical atheist” counterposed with Bill Gates. Better visual propaganda should be used to gain the favour of the meme-hungry internet Marxist community, including video propaganda if possible.

Beyond that, we call on all the revolutionary forces which stand together with us in struggle to redouble their own efforts, wherever they are.

ARM JOHN MCDONNELL NOW!

Upon the conclusion of the statement, a comrade with an American accent began firing shots into the air whilst screaming “DIALECTICS!”. This continued until the clip was emptied, at which point a comrade standing in the back said “Hadi yoldaşlar, gehen wir”, and the brave Worker’s Spatula editorial staff disappeared back into the jungle.

Worker’s Spatula Endorses Donald Trump

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TRUMP TOWER, NEW YORK – Worker’s Spatula held its first official press conference today at Trump Tower in New York City in order to announce its unconditional support for Republican candidate Donald Trump in the 2016 US Presidential Campaign. Our statement is also reproduced in full below:

We, the editorial staff of Worker’s Spatula, the most revolutionary publication in the world since Pravda under Stalin, would like to announce our unconditional support for Donald Trump – AKA ‘the Donald’ – in his campaign for presidency of the United States of America, the head of global imperialism and the single greatest threat to the international proletariat as a whole. Under the Donald’s guidance, we are confident that America will be a country that we can help reshape and make great. And by ‘make great’, we obviously mean establishing a dictatorship of the proletariat and beginning socialist construction. Donald Trump is the best man to get us there as quickly as possible.

Our analysis of the recent history of the United States has led us to the conclusion that any attempt at getting Americans to support third parties, or to push the Democrats in a left-wing direction, or even to get the Republicans to have a remotely circumspect foreign policy on populist grounds will not merely fail to push the American people towards revolutionary consciousness, but indeed will merely result in greater isolation of left-wing groups pursuing such tactics. On the basis of this conclusion, the only strategy we can think to apply in the US context is one of unabashed accelerationism, and the best man for that job is certainly Donald Trump.

Also, he’s got a corrupted German surname, which makes us all feel a bit closer to him, as we’re all basically corrupted Germans of one sort or another.

Lastly, seeing as the Trotskyites are all opposed to him, he can’t be all bad, right? As there are clearly no questions left unanswered, we will not be taking any. Thank you.

Reactions to our statement have been largely enthusiastic. Armed militants across the globe carried out celebratory attacks on their immediate enemies in order to welcome our statement and intensify their struggle against imperialism. In the Philippines, the New People’s Army stormed and took over a military outpost on the island of Samar, taking down the flag of the Philippines and replacing it with a red flag with a white spatula and sickle on it. A militant identified as “Ka Ernesto” released a short video in front of the flag in which he articulated his hopes that the national-democratic forces would defeat the Philippine government after Trump becomes president of the US:

“We are always in favour of whatever relations of forces strengthen our position and thus Trump is our choice for President of the imperialist United States. Donald, MABUHAY!”

In India, the Naxalites attacked a multinational corporation’s copper mine in the forest near Ghatshila, destroying scores of machines. They refused to give a clear statement on Trump, however, promising on the one hand not to attack Trump Tower in New York, but on the other hand warning Trump that any real estate he might erect in Odisha is a potential target. The EZLN, on the other hand, released a statement embracing Trump as “the gravedigger of US imperialism”, but was reluctant to stage an armed demonstration for undisclosed reasons, presumably related to Trump’s views on Mexicans.

In Turkey/North Kurdistan, TİKKO, the armed wing of the TKP/ML, attacked a police station in Dêrsim with rocket launchers, later publishing a declaration of their certainty that Trump would be on their side against the fascist AKP government. The DHKP-C, for its part, welcomed Worker’s Spatula’s endorsement of Trump by attacking the Trump Towers in Istanbul’s Şişli neighbourhood with a suicide bomber. This act was reportedly done to endorse Trump. Or condemn him. Their members have yet to decide.

Other reactions have been equally enthusiastic. Alexis Tsipras sent Trump a message enquiring about the possibility of a common internationalist platform: “We are both young and attractive men who take great pride in our hair. Varoufakis, who has been stabbing me in the back repeatedly ever since I removed him from his post as the Minister of Finance, takes no pride in his hair. Because he has none.” Sources inside Syriza say that Tsipras regards a deal with Trump as the “trump card” [no pun intended, Tsipras doesn’t know any English, –W.S.] for the crucial upcoming elections: “After Varoufakis and Tsalakatos failed to reach a satisfactory deal with the Germans, the only hope he has left is Trump,” a Tsipras aide informed us.