Corbyn Demands Loyalty to PYD

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LONDON – Despite claiming to be reinventing himself as a populist, Hoxhaite leader of the UK Party of Labour Jeremy Corbyn may find his new policy proposal to be less than popular with the still-unliberated British electorate.

The proposal, unveiled at a small press conference today at his Islington bunker, would see all new public servants having to take three months out of their first year in office to fight alongside the YPG/YPJ forces linked with the PYD in Syria.

Matt Zarb-Cousin, a spokesman for Mr. Corbyn, told the Spatula the idea shouldn’t be controversial: “Talk of ‘British values’ is cheap nationalist populism,” he said. “What we should be doing is trying to foster universal values. At the moment, it seems to us, no cause is more important than defeating ISIS and establishing Rojava as a beacon of women’s rights and other progressive values in the Middle East.”

But once ISIS is defeated, what then for the fledgling scheme?

“That’s the beauty of the whole scheme, its simplicity. At a moment’s notice we can have thousands of armed pen-pushers liberate Guantanamo Bay or back up the FARC in Colombia.

“They could even play the role of a praetorian guard for the coming revolutionary regime in the People’s Republic of Scotland. We’re only limited by our imaginations from here on in.”

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FARC: “No, that’s fine. Your funeral.”

lookatthebook

SERRANÍA DEL PERIJÁ, COLOMBIA – Timoleón “Timonchenco” Jiménez agreed to an exclusive interview with Worker’s Spatula, following the shockingly close “no” vote on the peace deal in Colombia, as well as news that the Colombian state will be issuing rifles to every Colombian citizen so that they too can experience the feeling of shooting a “Castrochavist” terrorist.

WS: What do you have to say about…

TIMONCHENCO: Blah blah blah, we see who wants peace and who wants war, you know what I’m going to say. They know what I’m going to say. They know I’m right.

WS: Do you think that the role of…

TIMONCHENCO: You know, I really tried to… no, you know what? That’s fine. Your funeral. You absolute bastards.

WS: Do you see the long-term role of armed struggle as being more or less…

TIMONCHENCO: Bring it on, you know? Bring it on. We made it this far, in much worse conditions, to be honest. People’s army. We’ll outlast Cuba at this rate.

WS: Speaking of Cuba…

TIMONCHENCO: You think this vote reflected some sort of vote of confidence in the Colombian state? Have you ever had to live in Colombia? I had to live here as a child in the 60s. How much better do you think things have really gotten? Well we see, don’t we? This is your fucking Colombian democracy. First Uribe, and now this. Well bravo, ¡bravo! <begins applauding alone>

WS: How much do you think this vote actually reflects the popular will?

TIMONCHENCO: I spit on the son of a bastard fake popular will that shows up in this vote. I am ready to die for the people, comrade. Even many of the people who voted against this peace, one day they will see, as you see, and as everyone sees, that they were tricked by the people who really want war into calling the people who really supported peace “terrorists”. There’s your fucking interview.

WS: Thanks very much!

Humourless Marxist Reviews: Sausage Party

Dialectics

“Sausage Party” is the latest film from Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, names most Marxists will recognise for their role in the extremely controversial film “The Interview”, controversial of course because of its retrograde gender politics.

Unfortunately for those hopeful that our thousands of e-mails have enlightened Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg about the ways in which their art reinforces a toxic masculinity and overt chauvinism towards women and sexual minorities, “Sausage Party” is similarly crass and heterosexist. I personally wish I could un-watch it, especially now that I know I have to file a lawsuit for theft of intellectual property.

You see, I sent in a suspiciously similar script entitled “Grocery Store Alienation Nightmare” to Jonah Hill, who owed us a favour after his usual guy got locked up and we hooked him up with some primo FARC blow. Jonah Hill is a massive cocaine addict, is what I’m saying.

Now I always thought Hill’s assessment of my script as “terrible” and “bullshit” and “go kill yourself” was a bit harsh. But even after “Sausage Party” trailers came out, I didn’t suspect the rejection was just cover for stealing my work to profit off of. I understand that not everyone is cut out to write for Hollywood. It’s a tough town. Especially if you’re looking to securely purchase high-quality cocaine with some regularity, Jonah.

But now that I’ve seen the film, it’s obvious: “Sausage Party” is my film, changed from a chilling surrealist fantasy about alienation in contemporary society told through the medium of anthropomorphic foodstuffs and faceless grocery store staff, to a vulgar comedy about sex and religion.

I should be clear: The sex and religion components also stand as evidence for the clear plagiarism at work here. “Grocery Store Alienation Nightmare” also contains hot dogs as stand-ins for for penises and hot dog buns as stand-ins for vaginas. But it is a tasteful hot dog/bun-penis/vagina metaphor set to a soundtrack of melodic death metal. Allow me to quote, to show how the idea of the bun as a mere vessel for the dominance of the hot dog is used as a metaphor to show how differing attitudes towards homosexual men and women are linked to the inherent patriarchal understanding even of these two oppressed groups:

It is no coincidence that while eating hot dogs without a bun is seen as offensive, just as male homosexuality is, it is nonetheless viewed as an act “for itself”. Just as the homosexual man is viewed as pursuing his own (perverse) desires by conservative society, so too is the eater of the bunless hot dog held to be fulfilling their own need to eat (though they may be pitied or mocked for doing so in a “wrong” fashion). However, it is unthinkable to consume a hot dog bun alone. The bun is viewed as “incomplete” without a “filling”, just as lesbians are often accused of not engaging in “legitimate” sex due to the assumed absence of a phallus.

As for religion, there was an extensive section about lavash, but there was no “bagel/lavash” conflict. Instead there was simply a forty page speech about the history of Zionist colonialism which was to be read aloud as the camera hovered motionless over some “Israeli lavash”. The bagel came up in another section in which the reconceptualisation of religion’s role in industrial modernity was investigated. There was a long speech about ISIS which I notice Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, and Jonah Hill left out. Wouldn’t want anyone to know the truth, would we?

Even though Rogen, Goldberg, and Hill (who supposedly helped with “the story”, more like cut out the genius concepts which stood at the core of my uncredited original script, you powder-nosed hack!) maintained the concept of a religion surrounding food purchase, they made it so that the food believed some sort of salvation lay in their own purchase. It was precisely the opposite in “Grocery Store Alienation Nightmare”, the productive forces who make the food believe that if they work harder, they will one day be paid enough to be free of the crushing alienation. They pray to the God of Profit to smile on them, but the God of Profit serves only the capitalist class, who neither make nor eat the food! Then, when the food is bought, it goes home to a family who stare at the low-quality food which is all they can afford and the daughter screams: “I’m sick of eating this crap!”

Then the bag of potato chips rises out of the grocery bag and opens its mouth to speak:

The maker does not enjoy making me, and the consumer does not enjoy consuming me. My entire life seems pointless, save for this fact: Were I not made, the maker would not be paid their wages, and would starve. Were I not consumed, the consumer would starve. I reproduce a life of servitude, just like the wages earned from my making and spent on my consumption. But one cannot escape what I represent through my non-purchase. I am the totality. I am capitalism. Only by overturning me may true freedom be attained.

In conclusion, my film “Grocery Store Alienation Nightmare” was clearly plagiarised, and worse yet for the cinema-going public, it wasn’t even plagiarised well.

I’ll see you in court, you fucks.

News in Brief: October 1st 2015

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DAMASCUS – The “Free Syrian Army” is still a powerful, unified, independent, secular, democratic revolutionary institution that all Marxists should support, “or else they are agents of Putin”, stated a press release by People’s Liberation Faction, a three-person Trotskyist sect embedded deep within the fighting whose only contact with the outside world appears to be Swiss blogger Joseph Daher. “The Kurds need to stop acting like the Arab forces on the ground are divided between Assad and jihadists, because that’s not fair to all the progressive forces who are going to crush the Nusra Front any day now, just watch.”

CHICAGO – A fierce fight has broken out in a “revolutionary” undergraduate student union about whether or not “we need dialectics”. A well-informed English major insisted it was “mysticism” and that there was “no point” in reading Hegel or Engels on dialectics, as if they themselves had ever attempted to do so.

LONDON – The CPGB-ML continues to insist it is truly revolutionary and the proletariat should not be fooled by Jeremy Corbyn, in spite of the fact that there is no difference between the minimal programmes of Harpal Brar and Jeremy Corbyn. “But we look scarier!” explained a Stalin Society spokesperson in a brief telephone interview with Worker’s Spatula.

HAVANA – Peace talks between the Colombian state and FARC rebels appear to be reaching their conclusion, with FARC agreeing to hand in all their guns in exchange for land reform, amnesty, legal political participation, and “control of Colombia’s legal drug trade.”

LOS ANGELES – At a secret meeting in the Hollywood Hills, representatives of Worker’s Spatula and the Spartacist League met to discuss “the Trot situation”. In spite of disagreement on Trotsky himself, all representatives agreed that 21st century Trotskyism was moving further and further away from its Bolshevik and Leninist roots, descending deeper and deeper into Second Internationalist thinking, exemplified by such ideological abortions as Solidarity. At press time, a Worker’s Spatula representative slid a revolver across the table to her Spartacist League counterpart, saying: “I think we all know what has to be done.”