COINTELPRO Releases Statement

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WASHINGTON D.C. – The clandestine organisation known as COINTELPRO released a statement yesterday, explaining its actions were necessary components of revolutionary struggle in the United States, meant to eliminate ultra-left forces which sought to divide the working class and misinform them about Marxism.

“Many have accused us of brutality against progressive forces in the United States. But let’s ask ourselves honestly: How progressive were these forces? The Black Panthers? Why, Hal Draper, the greatest American Marxist, said it best, when he attacked Stalinist Black nationalism as ‘Jim Crow in reverse’.”

“We wouldn’t want a bunch of Stalinist tankies running around, bringing back Jim Crow, but in reverse, now would we?”

“The Young Lords, American Indian Movement, Puerto Ricans, just in general… All the groups we targeted were trying to divide the working class on ‘racial’ lines, so who can take seriously the claim that we’re the rightists? We were destroying all the right-wing forces using left deviationism as a means of sowing confusion among socialists across the United States, and we spared all the real revolutionary forces, like our dear Trotskyist comrades, who you’ll note we didn’t kill even one of. You’re welcome, real revolutionaries!”

The statement also confirmed the allegations that COINTELPRO did cooperate with the US government in pursuit of its aims, “an idea we got from the book ‘the Spook Who Sat by the Door’.” This was “justified based on the objective conditions, unlike cooperation with any of the US’s enemies, like the Soviet Union, China, or Russia today.”

“Even if we made mistakes, at least we aren’t totalitarians or tankies. Everything we did, we did for socialism in the United States. Long live Marxism-Ebertism!”

Responses from the non-“tankie” components of the US left were largely positive:

“It’s good enough for me,” stated CPUSA chair John Bachtell. “I believe that COINTELPRO is a genuine and revolutionary part of the US left. As we all know, anyone who says anything in a vaguely left language who condemns the violence of the US’s enemies is justified no matter what. This has always been my position, and as long as I’m in charge, it will always be the CPUSA’s position as well.”

“While we don’t believe COINTELPRO’s claims of being socialist revolutionaries, they certainly have a point that everyone they fought domestically was either Stalinist by our very broad definition or in cahoots with Stalinists abroad.” stated a representative of Solidarity when reached for comment by Worker’s Spatula. “So we like their ideas, and we would be willing to work with them in the future.”

The ISO concurred: “Obviously, we are the only real socialists in the United States in the first place. But it’s true that if COINTELPRO’s earlier methods were used in the US today, there would be far less people sabotaging our work with the revolutionary Nusra Front to liberate Syria for inevitable socialist revolution. So you know… If they want to Fred Hampton a few of these Stalinists…”

The Revolutionary Organization of Labor, USA, released a statement in response to COINTELPRO’s statement and other statements released in response to COINTELPRO’s released statement, stating: “Nothing surprises us anymore. I hope our friends in ICOR understand now why it’s so hard getting revolutionary work done in the United States.”

Solidarity Blames Latin American Left for Strength of US Imperialism

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DETROIT – Yesterday, the US Trotskyist extremist organisation Solidarity published an editorial in their journal Against the Current denouncing the Latin American left, as a whole, for their total failure in fighting US imperialism. The article states that after years of Western solidarity with movements and parties of the Latin American left, US imperialism has still yet to be defeated:

“Despite all the efforts on the part of Solidarity, the Venezuelan economy is still too dependent on the export of oil, and other Latin American countries are even further from realising our lofty revolutionary standards. Wall Street still dominates Latin American economies, and US puppets rulers exploit and persecute the worker’s movement unchecked.”

“Cuba, meanwhile, in line with its Stalinist pedigree, has totally failed to combat US imperialism in any meaningful sense.”

“We have invested so much of our time in supporting the Latin American left so that it could topple US imperialism. And what has been the result? Nothing. Thus, it is time for us to change strategy, abandoning the hopeless Latin American left in favour of the Latin American right, whose horrible repression by the Stalinist capitalists in places like Venezuela makes them objectively more predisposed to struggle. The Cuban regime has made many mistakes as well, from their belief in the Stalinist principle of democratic centralism to sending Stalinist doctors to Haiti or Africa, preventing the natives from learning about Permanent Revolution, the only good thing about the Leninist tradition.”

“In short, the entire Latin American left is counter-revolutionary. This is because of the weakness of Trotskyism in their countries, whereas we have reached a new level of Trotskyism here in the US: We believe that the classical concepts Trotsky used to describe the Soviet Union were much too soft and that he should have simply labelled this Stalinist abomination what it was: Capitalism even worse than the Western capitalism, because it was Stalinist at the same time. Along similar lines, we’d like to state that all these incompetent leftists in stupid Spanish-speaking countries are not even proper Marxists like us, but anarchists, but like, statist anarchists or something. It doesn’t matter if they don’t shave, like in Cuba, or chew on coca leaves all day, like in Bolivia. The task of resistance in Latin America falls on our shoulders, as the only real internationalists. Down with authoritarianism, long live the revolution in Latin America!”

Fidel Castro responded in Granma, writing: “I’m just going to say it, since no one’s saying it: Are the Yankees ever going to threaten their own state, or just comment about how we’re doing things down here and discuss their ‘solidarity’ or lack thereof? What more can we do on their behalf? Should we declare an embargo on the US, after the US lifted its embargo against us? We have a lot of drugs in Latin America, but nobody is as drugged up as the Yankees. Those guys should start smoking Cuban cigars instead, now that the embargo has been lifted. Maybe that will wake them up…”

Responses from left-leaning Latin American leaders of a less Marxist-Leninist pedigree were similarly dismissive: Ecuadorian President Rafael Correa simply tweeted: “@SolidarityUS ¡Locos!”. Our correspondent in Caracas asked Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro for comment and received the answer: “Who?”. Similarly, Bolivian President Evo Morales didn’t say anything at all, merely smiling politely.

Podemos leader Pablo Iglesias appeared on his TV show La Tuerka with the following comment: “Well, I read that the US left has given up on solidarity with the Latin American left. That’s a big fucking deal, as it probably means that they will stop supporting us as well. Oh, it’s a group called ‘Solidarity’? Did they ever support us? Who are they?”

Renowned Slovenian philosopher and Marxist of some sort Slavoj Žižek devoted the first few minutes of one his lectures to commenting on the editorial: “You know, I read this in some shitty US left magazine… I mean, you know what my good friend Alain Badiou says about the US left… He says, well no, it is too dirty even for me… to… say… it… [sniffs] here, but the thing is, I was married several times, trust me, I know what I’m talking about, and I was married to an Argentinian model once, and I lost all my respect for them afterwards, Argentinian wives mostly, but Latin Americans in general too. The faking of the orgasm and so on and so on. So back to my point, it is like Lacan said in one of his seminars, you know, like in Hitchcock basically, Lacan uses the same technique, but let me explain it with Hitchcock. So, in short, Solidarity is complete nonsense, of course, I mean, literally, but… I think maybe there is something there, beneath the obvious literal statement, if you understand what I am saying.”

News in Brief: September 14th 2015

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CİZRE, TURKISH KURDISTAN – Masses of local people emerged defiant from an eight-day siege of the town by the Turkish State to greet Selahattin Demirtaş. The massive crowd reportedly dwarfed the number of members of Trotskyist organisations around the world. At press time, Stefan Engel was spotted in a Kurdish neighbourhood in Berlin asking if anyone from Cizre could contact their relatives to enquire if the entire town would like to join ICOR.

NEW YORK – US rapper and unquestionable trend-setter Prodigy has announced a new album which will be titled “the Hegelian Dialectic”. Inside sources at the record company report that it is “very undialectical.”

MANILA – A group of Dutch Trotskyists, including Alex de Jong, are being wined and dined by a tiny Trotskyist sect affiliated with the reunified Fourth International, at which they are reportedly discussing the irrelevance of the CPP-NPA.

LONDON – A debate about women’s issues jointly organised by several Marxist organisations at SOAS reportedly ground to a halt as someone in attendance thought it would be a good idea to quote Shulamith Firestone. After a sharp sucking of air through the teeth by approximately half in attendance, everyone was silent for about 45 seconds before the subject was awkwardly changed.

JOHANNESBURG – Julius Malema has roundhouse kicked a Worker’s Spatula correspondent in Johannesburg for asking him questions about his personal lifestyle and finances. The reporter was quoted as saying “He’s still probably the best we can ask for in South Africa at present.”

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA – DeLeonism apparently still a thing.

David Harvey Detained at Istanbul airport

davidharveyISTANBUL – We have received shocking news that renowned Marxist professor and world famous stunt man in each and every Karl Marx action movie David Harvey has been detained at Istanbul’s Sabiha Gökçen Airport. Our local correspondent received a statement by the Turkish authorities accusing him of being the leader of not one but a whole range of illegal leftist groups. This follows news earlier this year that the Turkish authorities determined that Rosa Luxemburg and Clara Zetkin were members of the outlawed PKK after the Kurdish women’s movement printed their pictures on some of their banners for International Working Women’s Day.

Regarding the Harvey case a representative of the office of President Erdoğan stated: “You know, we had long wondered who that formidably bearded old man was that so many leftists seem to cherish. He was all over their books, their magazines, their banners. MİT worked night and day without success, but thanks to one outstanding officer at Sabiha Gökçen Airport, we were finally able to identify and detain him. This is a very important step for our country and its security.”

HPG leader Murat Karayılan issued a statement in support of Harvey from Kandil: “As you know, we are now currently under intense aerial bombardment by the Turkish state. Thankfully, the Turkish state’s intelligence is so weak that although I’m the target, I personally am not in any real danger. Actually we found some leaflets dropped by the Turkish state while they were bombing civilians stating that if they can’t kill our leadership by their bombing campaign, they’re hoping we’ll get bored to death. I mostly spend my free time reading some of Harvey’s books. Great theory, I like his exposition of the circuits of capital. The Turkish state has him, eh? Is he going to meet Apo? Lucky bastard.”

After Karayılan was informed that Harvey was detained on account of Turkish officials having confused him with Karl Marx, he responded with only mild surprise: “Oh, they confused him with Karl Marx? See, that’s the kind of idiots we’re dealing with here. At least before the AKP the Turkish state were clever fascists, look at what they’ve been reduced to.”

Harvey has received messages of solidarity from Marxists around the world. In one curious case, the ISO retracted their initial solidarity for Harvey after discovering his staunch support for the PYD in Rojava. “We call on the Stalinist tankie crypto-fascist Harvey to shut up about the stupid Kurds and talk about the real revolution in Syria: The FSA, and whatever it’s up to lately.”

MLPD leader Stefan Engel was at the airport around the same time Harvey was detained, on his way back to Germany from his Istanbul holiday, which has been extensively covered by embedded journalists of the party newspaper of Dutch ICOR affiliate Rode Morgen. Engel immediately posted this website to his personal website, along with some extremely flattering photos of the MLPD leader skinny-dipping on a Turkish beach: “This is just further proof of the absolute truth and validity of the political line of the MLPD. We are always where true revolutionaries have to be. We are in full support of Harvey’s support of Rojava. I haven’t read any of his books, but I suppose there is nothing for someone like me to learn from them. You have read my books, right?”

UPDATE: We have received information that Turkish officials have accepted the fact that David Harvey is not Karl Marx. However, a spokesperson for the Turkish Police announced that they were still not convinced of Harvey’s innocence. “Yeah, ok, so he may not be that guy with the white beard, what was his name again? Markus Merk? Oh that’s the commentator on Lig TV? Whatever, a German’s a German. And even if that’s not him, that’s no proof of his innocence. He has spoken at book fairs in Diyarbakır and Mardin. Diyarbakir and Mardin! Do I have to say any more?”

Trotskyist Dating Site Launched

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LOS ANGELES – With a limited budget and a busy schedule, the average leftist has great difficulty staying competitive in the dating scene. For Trotskyists, the situation is bleaker still, as the risk of being set up on a date with someone who isn’t a Trotskyist, and is therefore a “Stalinist”, is pretty high.

Los Angeles technical support operator and ISO member Jessica Stone believes her new website, “TrotHotSpot”, could provide physical and emotional companionship for thousands of Trotskyists around the world.

“I wanted to make sure it was properly inclusive, so we have write-in slots for gender and sexuality, with a pretty extensive list of pronouns other users will see when you message them. I also wanted to make sure all the various Trotskyist tendencies were included, except the Pabloites. Pabloites will be pur… er, I mean… expelled from the site.”

Over the course of a mere 48 hours, over 10,000 confirmed accounts have been registered, representing the spectrum of  Trotskyism from Solidarity (US) to ICL(FI), better known as “the Sparts.”

“Yeah, we try to keep the Sparts well behaved.” Stone told us. “We expel them from the site if they send more than 10 accusations of being a “fake Marxist” to a single user in the space of five minutes.”

“So yeah, we’ve expelled almost every single Spart who’s joined the site so far.”

Concerns are already surfacing about unethical use of the site. A Chicago user named “TrotThot” has reportedly been offering sexual favours in return for newspaper sales. A sample message reads, in part: “I’ll do anything non-penetrative in exchange for a paper sale, anything penetrative is gonna cost you a subscription.”

Further, users on the 8chan board /leftypol/, a known Hoxhaite breeding ground, have been openly discussing plans to hack the site’s database to retrieve the personal information of users whose profile pictures suspiciously resemble the visages of Bob Avakian and Jason Unruhe. Stone responded:

“I completely understand these concerns. I mean, even for Bob Avakian or Jason Unruhe, it would be pretty embarrassing for everyone to find out that you talk to Trotskyists. We are working around the clock to heighten site security. We want security concerns for our users to be as low as those of actual Trotskyist parties in the United States.”

But the popularity of the site is so explosive that /leftypol/’s hacking efforts may be redundant. Communist Party of Canada (Marxist-Leninist) president Sandra L. Smith publicly admitted to having registered an account.

“Yeah, I’m a dominatrix, and while I have a very satisfying sex life within the Montréal S&M scene, it’s hard to find someone who wants to sub as my ice axe attack victim. I’m hoping through this site I can find someone.”

With Marxist-Leninists joining the site, it’s no surprise that famous Trotskyists would as well: Seattle City Council member Kshama Sawant reports already having found love on the site, having been matched with her own duplicate account. A wedding is to take place before the next Seattle City Council election. “I love myself very much, and you should love me too”, she informed Worker’s Spatula, when asked for comment.

Asked if he had any plans to join the site, MLPD Leader and winner of the “Best Dressed” award at his high school prom for three consecutive years Stefan Engel responded: “What do I need a dating site for? Haven’t you seen my homepage?”

Bernie Sanders Unveils his “New Synthesis”

berniessynthesisMONTPELIER, VERMONT – Bernie Sanders held a press conference today, at which he announced his plans for a tour for his new book “BAsics”, composed primarily of excerpts from talks given by the “independent” senator from Vermont.

Bernie Sanders, who until recently was mostly known in US circles for his support for the Bipartisan Budget Act of 2013, has been capturing the media spotlight thanks to his campaign to be the Democratic Party’s presidential candidate for the 2016 United States Presidential Elections.

“If elected, I plan to steer America in a ‘socialist’ direction, with more social security and an unelected hereditary Scandinavian head of state. It’s all a part of my ‘New Synthesis’ of socialism.”

Asked to define his “New Synthesis”, Sanders vaguely responded that it was a method for achieving socialism without the traditional “mistakes” of the US Left.

“For example, it is only through my ‘New Synthesis’ that I was able to defeat the Republicans in the 2016 Senatorial Election. Other Leftist groups lack the ‘New Synthesis’, so when they run for office, they find themselves defeated by the Democrats. The Democrats, however, were unable to run against me, because of my ‘New Synthesis’.”

At one point during the press conference, the US Trotskyist organisation known as the International Socialist Organization ran onstage, loudly and rudely disrupting the senator who was just trying to explain his nice ideas to the people. Some of them were even Black, frightening many in attendance.

The press conference was hastily cancelled so that the senator could go take some Rolaids and recover from the shock of being interrupted.

On the way out, we interviewed a young woman wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with Sanders’s face and the words “Culture of Appreciation, Promotion, and Popularization”, who commented:

“The ISO is only hurting their own cause by acting this way. I mean, Bernie Sanders and them already agree on so much, like putting Saudi Arabia in charge of Syria, for example. But only Bernie Sanders can make that dream a reality.”