France to Celebrate Football Victory by Returning to France as Usual



PARIS – As ecstatic crowds took the streets across France (as well as other Francophone countries and in many other places around the world) to celebrate France’s decisive victory over Croatia in the World Cup hosted in Moscow today, our correspondents in France peppered themselves throughout the crowds to surreptitiously extract the views of the celebrating masses.

“Yesterday, Bastille Day, today the World Cup! LONG LIVE FRANCE!” exclaimed Jean Thomas, a drunken gentleman wearing one of those tricolour leis who appeared to not particularly comprehend our correspondent’s question: “Do you think that this win will help legitimise the imperialist dominance of France over semi-colonial countries under the rubric of ‘Francophonie’ given the multinational origins of the French team and the consequent international support for this victory?”

“FRAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE!” added Thomas, for emphasis.

Other slightly more sober French individuals gave insufficiently sober analysis of the win:

“I think it’s a wonderful thing that we won with such a diverse team. I think it will really bring France together, to show how many different kinds of people are all equally French,” explained Agathe Kowalski, a young liberal who is apparently just too young to remember the past few decades of domestic French politics.

“Bien sûr, parce que un étranger devient français quand il marque deux buts pour ce pays,” responded our correspondent, to empty stares from Kowalski and her friends.

Slightly removed from the crowds, some white French were more forthcoming with their less palatable views: “After everything we’ve given to these countries, why shouldn’t they feel themselves French? We have a culture, a civilisation, we gave them the football, you know,” explained one “absolutely not racist” gentleman with an intolerably French name.

“I would prefer if there were more French boys on the team,” interjected one of his friends.

“French boys?” enquired our correspondent, raising an eyebrow.

“Originally French, or non-immigrant, euh… t’vois, des blancs.”

Oh là là! Would you be interested in some slightly more intellectual or humorous but equally dismissive pieces about France? Voilà, fellow haters of bourgeois French society and its dictats!

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French Anti-Fascist Front to be Built Around Racist Austerity with a Human Face


PARIS – Informed and reasonable people across France and in sympathetic imperialist countries are urging all French voters to come out for Macron in the Second Round of the French elections, in which voters will be asked to choose their preferred candidate in a system of run-off voting which, for the unfamiliar, basically prolongs the experience in countries without run-off voting.

Individuals who describe themselves as “socialist, but not in a mad way” are united around the view that Macron must be fervently supported to prevent Le Pen from being elected, although they are less able to articulate why the Le Pen dynasty is such a consistent threat to their estimably reasonable political positions, election year after election year.

What they did know was that Macron will certainly be better for the people living in France:

“I’ve done the maths, and my estimates indicate that we may be able to reduce the number of people killed on the basis of social policy which devalues their very lives by as much as a third if they are murdered for their social class rather than their race, colour, creed, etc.” explained utilitarian philosopher and stats boffin Jules Liechtenstein. “In addition, the high rate of suicide due to the unemployment Macron would create, plus the unnecessary deaths due to his defunding of public services like healthcare, would be dragged out over many years. That’s a big savings in life-years and a potential increase in Gross National Happiness when compared to the death camps Le Pen is proposing.”

“There are those who propose that the death camps would be better for Gross National Happiness on the grounds that French life is already such a miserable charade, such a farce, such a fucking je ne sais quoi of immiseration and despair, that maybe the sooner we’re all rounded up, the better. This is a clearly uninformed position, as the hours prior to suicide may be spent drinking lovely wine in a lovely park; while in a death camp, the scenery is generally considered to be unpleasant and the wine sub-par, and the whole experience therefore somewhat detrimental to the happiness averages.”

Our local correspondent interjected at this point: “Isn’t it true that black and Muslim French people will be killed by fascistic police in either case, and that thousands of refugees already languish in inhumane conditions in detention centres?”

“Of course,” replied Liechtenstein. “But be reasonable. That’s just the way things are, we’ve got to prevent fascist ideas from gaining a foothold in French politics now.”

Worker’s Spatula’s English correspondents found a general solidarity with the reasonable descendents of Maximilien Robespierre in academic haunts of England as well: Trevor Stutts, a liberal Professor of Trade Union Studies at the University of Sunderland said: “I’ve long said that if the left want to stop the right, they have to just close their eyes and just vote for whatever the right wants them to vote for, no matter how awful it is. What’s more, I’ve proven this logically.” At this juncture, Stutts gestured over to a flip chart bearing the formula “Fascism minus Epsilon > Fascism”.

“Anyone who understands basic maths and logic can see that if the far left simply choose to act rationally, unlike Slavoj Žižek and other such ultra-left radicals, they will take a firm stand against fascism by embracing its acceptable “social” form.”

Asked whether he had plans to vote in the upcoming British General Elections, Prof. Stutts said he couldn’t possibly bring himself to vote for a Labour Party candidate who wouldn’t even wear a proper suit.

Oscar Temaru Blames Failure on “Les Blancs”


PARIS – Following the conclusion of the first round of French presidential elections, the Spatula’s favoured candidate, Oscar Temaru, has been knocked out of the race by a veritable menagerie of white people, including other social democrats who couldn’t even manage to beat out Le Pen and Macron.

The Spatula’s local correspondent was present at Temaru’s press conference, where he gave the following statement:

Friends, comrades, ICOR and ICMLPO (Maoist) representatives: thank you all for being here. We ran a good campaign, and we certainly won’t surrender now. I salute all our people in the streets, in the workplaces, in the universities, in all spheres of life, who stand against the dictats of the French Republic, its imperialist manoeuvres, and its frankly awful cuisine.

Our campaign was right, and if I had a chance to run it again, I would change only one thing: France has too many white people.

Again I reiterate that I don’t mean this in a racist way. I don’t hate white people. I don’t want to deport white people. I simply think that there are disproportionately many of them in France given their actual contributions to building France into what it is today, and I wish that French civil society more fully reflected the reality that without Polynesia, there would be no France as we know it.

What has been made clear, not only by my defeat in this election, but also in the remaining two choices, is that white people in France cannot be trusted to solve this problem on their own. They simply refuse to recognise the historical justice that would manifest itself in the un-bleaching of French society. The white minority nationalities of France, such as the Basques and Bretons, refuse to even take seriously their historical duty to remove themselves from France in the service of this goal.

I fear that the objective conditions simply made it impossible for us to win this election, and may even make it impossible to win the next election. We will struggle on regardless, but I wish to make one thing perfectly clear: We did not lose this election, white people stole it.

Given the choice between Le Pen and Macron, the Spatula default to the Hoxhaist ICMLPO position of recommending all French comrades cast their vote for Donald Trump, as the lesser evil.

Rive Gauche Impressions: Recep Tayyip Erdoğan Latest En Vogue Postmodernist Philosopher


PARIS – Worker’s Spatula spoke with some hip students and intellectuals in Rive Gauche cafés about the recent events in Turkey, including several bomb attacks and the assassination of the Russian ambassador, which followed over a year of extraordinary events that have by now become ordinary including, yet again, several bombing attacks, war in Kurdistan, a coup attempt, martial law, and so on and so on.


Among the jeunesse d’or of France there is a widespread admiration for the Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, particularly in poststructuralist and deconstructionist circles. François, philosophy student at Paris VIII told us: «Ever since the death of Derrida we have been thinking about how to develop his theory. I mean, what does it mean to develop a theory? Is there progress? Is there progress in theory? What about practice? I am very impressed by Erdoğan, he is a legitimate successor to Derrida. Even Derrida has only rejected the notion of the possibility of stability. He deciphered stability as an illusion on a conceptual level. But Erdoğan has deconstructed the notion of stability in practice, by proclaiming the unstable situation in Turkey as the manifestation of his stabilising effect. A deconstructive genius, using the material to tear apart the abstraction.»

Sophie appears to be a student somehwere, although she preferred to play coy when asked her precise academic affiliations, replying that she was «a student of life». She largely agreed with François’s assessment: «We always used to say that reality does not exist and everything is language and so on… but, let’s be honest, we say that because it is the cool thing to say. But with him, with my dear Recep, he actually lives the idea that reality does not exist. We could say, following Judith Butler, that there is a performativity involved, a performative negation of the notion of reality and illusion, dissolved into an infinite series of differences in his speeches. C’est fantastique!»

Mourad, a sociology student and a close observer of the Middle East, expressed his fascination with the fluidity not only of political discourse in Turkey, but of the ideology of the ruling party itself: «Also,» he added, «if their constant attacks on the intelligentsia aren’t postmodernist, they’re at least Maoist, so either way, a refreshing new approach to politics in the region.»

Local KCK enthusiast and weirdo Joseph pointed out to us that Abdullah Öcalan was the first one to assess Erdoğan’s thought in this fashion, and the former only fails to be recognised for his theoretical contributions due to the anti-Kurdish sentiments prevalent among the Rive Gauche élite.

«They’re all ironic Kemalists as well, you see.»

Oscar Temaru Announces Candidacy for President of France


FA’A’Ā, FRENCH POLYNESIA – After months of meetings secrètes avec les représentants de l’ICOR et de la CIPOML (maoïste) organiséd par le staff éditorial du Travailleur’s Spatule, le candidat whom we all know that France both needs and deserves has annonced himself before le monde: Oscar Temaru will be seeking le office du Président de la République française, running sur une plate-forme de contrôles d’immigration reinforcéd sur les blancs.

Speaking before a crowd composéd principalement de communistes et d’autres leftistes too hard for the fucking Parti de Gauche, Temaru a expliquéd ses plans pour sa présidencé: «Depuis trop longtemps, our borders have been flooded with white trash, thinking that they can just come in and just localise themselves without consulting the will of the people, and it’s got to stop. Nous, les polynésiens, sommes des peuples raisonnables, and we tried, I personally tried as président de la Polynésie, de proposer des changements raisonnables à la loi qui permettrait à notre peuple de vivre dans le comfort, mais le système colonial imposéd par le métropole ne permet pas de changements réels de la part de peuples subjects comme le nôtre.»

«As Président de la République française, je défendrai l’intégrité culturelle de toute la France contre la tide de l’immigration non-contrôléd. I have no intention to discriminate against white people. Le problème avec le régime current est que les blancs sont accordéd une licence spéciale to behave however they like, with no regard for les normes culturelles polynésiennes. Tous les nouveaux immigrants blancs à la France et à l’un de ses départements et territoires d’overseas must démonstrer leur capacité d’assimilation à la culture polynésienne.»

“Just to clarify,” asked incoming MLPD chair Gabi Gärtner, sporting a multicoloured lei around her neck, “Your plan is to solve the colonisation of Polynesia and racism in France by imposing Polynesian culture on the French metropol?”

“Yes,” responded Temaru.

“An extremely dialectical and elegant solution!” gushed Gärtner, who led the MLPD delegation in two minutes of sustained applause.

OCML-PV cadres have résponded immédiatement à l’annonce avec une campagne de graffitis around Paris: «VOTEZ TEMARU!» lire les graffitis, «VOUS ÊTES EN POLYNÉSIE, PARLEZ LES LANGUES POLYNESIENNES!»

Pour leur part, le PCOF, le parti local affiliéd de la CIPOML (hoxhaïste), a rejectéd cette campagne polynésienne as «insuffisamment danque et edgée», proposing instead that the goal should instead be to marcher sur Rome en concert avec their «Carthaginian sister parties» (de Maroc et de Tunisie).

Back in Fa’a’ā, local millionaire Lucas de Chevron Villette reacted to the scene of communists marching about with pictures of Temaru, declaiming their intention to rid France of white culture, with shock:

«Je ne reconnais plus ma France, je pense sérieusement à voter pour Le Pen.»

«Je ne suis pas raciste, mais…»

Choose Your Own Adventure: BREXIT!

Now is the time, leftists of Britain! Anarchists, Marxist-Leninists, Trot(skyi[st/te])s, Maoists, and social democrats: YOU GET TO CHOOSE WHAT TO DO WITH THE EU.


If you chose the path of fighting British imperialism by linking it up more closely with French and German imperialism than US imperialism, this is what you have to look forward to tomorrow:

You walk out onto the street in King’s Cross. All seems calm at first. You think back on your vote to remain in the EU yesterday, following the advice of Paul Mason. You feel good. You light up a John Player Special Menthol cigarette, and puff contentedly.

You slowly become aware of a noise, as if someone is slowly turning up the volume on a televised football match. You look up to see:

The hordes of French workers who have taken the Eurostar to London! They’re waving red flags and screaming in that language of theirs!

You stop one of them. “Bonjour,” you say. “Bonjour et socialism.”

“Oui,” he responds. “Oui.”

You smile. He smiles. You embrace.

“So we’re doing it then? Sweeping away the neo-liberalism and ringing in a golden era of Western European socialism?”

“Sí,” he says. “Por supuesto.”

“What took you so long? I mean, we’ve been talking about this for years.”

“Sure, but we couldn’t bear the idea of building socialism until we were sure our best mates, the Britishers, were all in.”

“Best mates!” you scream, embracing the Frenchman.

And socialism swept across the EU forever and ever.


If you chose the glorious path of accelerationist Lexit, this is what you will experience tomorrow:

The cries ring out as soldiers re-occupy the Chelsea Barracks. A spitfire flies overhead, and you dive down to the ground as something explodes at close range. A kindly old man helps you back up. “Those pesky doodlebugs,” he says.

Nigel Farage is addressing a group of admiring city gents in top hats and tails, assuring them that women will never get the vote. A series of antiquated vehicles pass by, each shinier and stranger than the last, until the streets fill with horse carts and horse muck.

“We’ve escaped the bonds of the 8-hour day,” says Farage, who seems to be getting younger by the minute, “political correctness has finally been abolished.” A member of the crowd delivers a gleeful kick to a passing pantomime actor in blackface.

You turn down an alleyway to escape, and meet with the horrifying stench of sewage. The inhabitants are literally throwing their shit into the street. You break into a run, but at the intersection you lose your way: the whole of London is enveloped in fog.

“The thing is, this referendum was never really about the EU.” Farage’s voice is amplified as it echoed down the alley. “It was about bringing Britain back to the glorious past.”

You jump into a stagecoach and mumble a destination to the driver. He nods, and you ride on south past coffee houses full of cotton traders and bakeries belching smoke. A man in rags tries to drag you out of the coach and expound on the true gospel of Swedenborgianism.

The horse begins to whinny as you pass empty pastures where the locomotive hearse used to speed the dead to London’s Necropolis. London itself seems to have long disappeared. All the familiar streets and houses are gone. You ride on through the fields and forests to a small settlement on a hill.

“Welcome,” says Gerrard Winstanley. “Let’s try not to fuck it up again this time, alright?”

Trots to Somehow Fuck This Up Too


PARIS – In a country with the industrial proletariat which supposedly could’ve saved the Soviet Union from “Stalinism”, where apparently 10% of the country votes for Trotskyists in presidential elections, and labour politics causing large-scale clashes with the police in the streets, Trotskyists will still somehow fail to accomplish one fucking revolution in France, a country with a relatively positive attitude towards the concept of “revolution” in the first place, sources close to Worker’s Spatula report.

“To be fair,” explained our comrade “Saïd”, a student activist and professional cynic, “nobody’s really accomplished any revolutions in a while now. But these are pretty much the only conditions the Trotskyists could ever hope to leverage into victory, so if they fuck this up…”

“Well… nothing I guess. They’re going to fuck this up too, and then they’re going to blame each other, and ‘Stalinism’, of course. And then who’s gonna save us? The OCML-PV?”

“Fuck France”, he concluded.

Suicide Bombing Apparently over Kautsky


PARIS – Eyewitnesses to the shocking suicide bombing yesterday at l’université de Paris VIII refuted rumours which had been circulating that the bomber had been motivated by Islamic extremism. These rumours appear to have been based not only upon the method of attack, but also the early photos showing the bomber with a long hipster beard. Rather, the bomber, one Angelo Petrini, was a Marxist-Leninist motivated by his fanatical commitment to the prophet Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov (SAW).

According to Marwa Atalhaoui, a survivor who barely escaped the blast with as little as a broken leg, a fight between Petrini and his acquaintance Richard Desmoulins reached the level of shouting shortly before the former detonated his suicide vest, as determined by forensic evidence.


Atalhaoui paused to wipe a tear that had escaped her eye before continuing. “I’ve never seen such hateful anti-revisionism. And my uncle’s a Maoist.”

Followers of Bakunin are advised to avoid public places in case anyone should attempt a copycat bombing. French Prime Minister Manuel Valls has proposed putting all Marxist-Leninists on a special police registry for security reasons, “something we should’ve considered long ago anyway”.