“Cops are Workers” Programme a Roaring Success

Workers

CHICAGO – Finally taking heed to the sage advice given by many reasonable, bourgeois, disproportionately white leftists, Marxists in the US have decided to start actively working to organise the police, as they are just workers, you see.

“Excuse me,” said Eric Cohen of the Spartacist League, as he stepped up to the front desk in the Cicero Police Department. “Have you considered the degenerated workers’ state in North Korea’s right to nuclear weapons?”

Forty-seven minutes later, Cohen walked out of the office, having sold seven newspapers and three subscriptions.

“What can I say?” said “new recruit” to the Permanent Revolution Officer O’Brien. “He was very persuasive. I hadn’t considered how we cops are being exploited, and how we are entitled to all the value produced by our labour of murdering black children.”

“Death to Yankee imperialism!” added his colleague, Officer Johnson.

On the south side, FRSO member Malcolm Jackson was being interviewed by the local Worker’s Spatula correspondent as he was brutally beaten by Chicago Police Officer King.

“In a sense, Officer King here is also a victim of the system. He’s also being exploited by the capitalist class as he beats me with this baton you see here,” Jackson explained, his fist raised defiantly in the air as Officer King mercilessly rained down blow after blow on his head.

Asked how successful he found the programme to be, Officer King smiled broadly and said: “Very successful. I really feel like my eyes have been opened now. Me and a few other guys from the Fraternal Order of Police, Lodge 7, are going on strike next week. We demand much higher wages to brutalise no-good troublemakers like this piece of shit here.”

NCP-LC Breaks Up

Unite

NEW YORK – As is now known by Marxists around the world, the NCP-LC has broken up. The purported reason for the disintegration of the group was improper handling of women’s issues. However, were this the core issue, the answer would be to have most offending cadres engage in serious self-criticism with the aim of a higher unity with woman comrades, to purge those cadres who are beyond rectification, and to strengthen mechanisms within the organisation which empower women cadres. The rapid disintegration of the “liaison committee” is motivated by a more embarrassing problem.

Our reporter on the ground in New York spoke to several former NCP-LC cadres about the issue on condition of anonymity, and the answer was unanimous: Carlos Rivera-Jones’s embarrassing public criticism of Worker’s Spatula brought such disrepute to the organisation among the anti-revisionist movement in English-speaking countries which Worker’s Spatula effectively leads that there was no way any organisation could survive the damage to its reputation that such a statement would bring about.

“Fuck Carlos,” said [REDACTED 1] as he took a drag of his Newport menthol cigarette, the cigarette of choice for anti-revisionists in the US. “Couldn’t keep your big fucking mouth shut, could you? Now there ain’t no NCP-LC and it’s all that motherfucker’s fault.”

“I was all, ‘Was it worth it, Carlos? You got enough likes from fuckin’ Trots? And for what? You stickin’ up for Bob Avakian now?’, shit…” recounted [REDACTED 2], agreeing to meet us on the side of Union Square where leftists never meet, so as to avoid being accidentally overheard by her former comrades.

“I thought about joining the Maoist Communist Group over this shit.” admitted [REDACTED 3]. “Like, the situation is that bad right now. I just want to disappear. The shame of being associated with not getting the joke of a Worker’s Spatula piece is too great.”

FRSO (the Black Lives Matter one, not the wannabe ROL one) responded to our request for an interview on the condition that we buy a bunch of fucking buttons, like some sort of street punk anarchists who dive in dumpsters, instead of the dignified graduate school educated Marxists who get free food by crashing people’s events that we are.

“Now that there’s no more NCP-LC, we figure it’s time for us to make another attempt at taking New York. But just to be safe, we’re going to employ security to protect us from Tafadar. You never know what that fucker’ll do. He’s probably more dangerous without the organisation to keep him in check than he was before.”