Mormons Seceding from US while Nobody’s Watching

FlagofDeseret

SALT LAKE CITY – With much of the attention of the US and indeed the world focused on the upcoming presidential election in which Hillary Clinton will face off with Donald Trump in a debate many are already describing as “drinking game worthy”, the humble Mormon people are quietly seceding from the United States again.

The US flag has been taken down in all of Utah and much of neighbouring states and replaced with a “Deseret” flag, escaping the notice of everyone on the US coasts where all the news is produced in special news factories.

The Mormon population originally settled in the region to escape persecution by US imperialism, only to strike a deal with Washington later, resulting in the integration of the fledgling Mormon bourgeoisie into the political apparatus of the Yankee bourgeoisie. The alliance is out of step with bourgeois descriptions of the roots of the Utah War, which was supposedly motivated by religious fanaticism on the part of the Mormons and/or a desire to wipe out polygamy on the part of the state. In actuality, the war was about ethics in video game journalism.

Worker’s Spatula correspondents joined a delegation made up principally of local members of the FRSO (the one that calls the other “revisionist”) who travelled to Salt Lake City to discuss strategy and tactics with the Mormon leadership. The aim of the meeting was to get the new Mormon leadership to back various secessionist efforts supported by the FRSO and other Marxist-Leninist organisations who understand national liberation as an important site of struggle within the imperialist United States.

“The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has long upheld the line of national liberation for the Lamanite people,” President of the State of Deseret Thomas Monson explained to the Marxist-Leninist delegation. “In line with this we are happy to discuss whatever we can do to help the Diné people on our southern border, provided that we be allowed free right to propagate our faith in their territory in the meanwhile.”

“As for the Hamite nation, we’re not against them. We have many Hamite friends.”

The meeting also allowed for a discussion of theoretical and historical matters. Eager to find common ground, the Mormon leadership assured the Marxist-Leninists in attendance that they remained “very grateful to your people, without whom we would all be speaking German”, although they also noted that “a lot of you seem to speak German as well, as do many of us, for reasons of proselytism.”

More dialectically conscious Marxist-Leninists in attendance were disappointed to learn that Mormon doctrine removed the dialectical conception of the Godhead in favour of some bullshit that doesn’t even involve mutual penetration of opposites. The women’s section of Worker’s Spatula was disappointed to find that the Mormon leadership is still not open to the idea of prayer to the Heavenly Mother. The women’s section of the FRSO was disappointed to find out it still does not exist.

US ICOR affiliate Revolutionary Organization of Labor surprised all of those who read their newsletter (mostly Germans, very few actual US citizens) by issuing what can at best be described as a lukewarm response to Mormon secession:

“The Mormon people do not constitute an oppressed nation, but an oppressor nation within the imperialist United States. Therefore, there is no guarantee that their secession will have a progressive effect on the US or the international situation at large. The very fact that nobody has even noticed that they seceded is evidence that they do not play a progressive role. Maybe if they weren’t out in the middle of fucking nowhere, they could do some good.

“For example, we’re here in Boston, which is a large and important city. Granted, nobody in Boston knows it, but at least we are technically here.”

FRSO Unites with Socialist Alternative

PRFML

CHICAGO – In a monumental blow to the sectarianism which plagues the left in general and the US left in particular, the FRSO (the Belgian one, not the hipster one) and Socialist Alternative have announced the conclusion of their unity talks. As of now, the two organisations have united under the common banner of the Permanent Revolution Front (Marxist-Leninist).

The new organisation intends to participate both in the International Communist Seminar and the Committee for a Workers’ International, as a symbol of uniting the international communist movement against Stalinist degeneracy, and also in defence of actually existing socialism, if only socialism had ever actually existed.

The new organisation’s points of unity include:

-Support for the social democrat Bernie Sanders against his own degenerate line of support for Clinton and the Democratic Party

-Critical support of Afro-Americans getting angry at the police

-Approval of the colour red

The new organisation could not agree whether to end the statement with “workers of the world, unite” or “workers and oppressed peoples of the world, unite”, and thus compromised with “peoples of the work, unite”.

The organisation is expected to split a few hours after press time.

NCP-LC Breaks Up

Unite

NEW YORK – As is now known by Marxists around the world, the NCP-LC has broken up. The purported reason for the disintegration of the group was improper handling of women’s issues. However, were this the core issue, the answer would be to have most offending cadres engage in serious self-criticism with the aim of a higher unity with woman comrades, to purge those cadres who are beyond rectification, and to strengthen mechanisms within the organisation which empower women cadres. The rapid disintegration of the “liaison committee” is motivated by a more embarrassing problem.

Our reporter on the ground in New York spoke to several former NCP-LC cadres about the issue on condition of anonymity, and the answer was unanimous: Carlos Rivera-Jones’s embarrassing public criticism of Worker’s Spatula brought such disrepute to the organisation among the anti-revisionist movement in English-speaking countries which Worker’s Spatula effectively leads that there was no way any organisation could survive the damage to its reputation that such a statement would bring about.

“Fuck Carlos,” said [REDACTED 1] as he took a drag of his Newport menthol cigarette, the cigarette of choice for anti-revisionists in the US. “Couldn’t keep your big fucking mouth shut, could you? Now there ain’t no NCP-LC and it’s all that motherfucker’s fault.”

“I was all, ‘Was it worth it, Carlos? You got enough likes from fuckin’ Trots? And for what? You stickin’ up for Bob Avakian now?’, shit…” recounted [REDACTED 2], agreeing to meet us on the side of Union Square where leftists never meet, so as to avoid being accidentally overheard by her former comrades.

“I thought about joining the Maoist Communist Group over this shit.” admitted [REDACTED 3]. “Like, the situation is that bad right now. I just want to disappear. The shame of being associated with not getting the joke of a Worker’s Spatula piece is too great.”

FRSO (the Black Lives Matter one, not the wannabe ROL one) responded to our request for an interview on the condition that we buy a bunch of fucking buttons, like some sort of street punk anarchists who dive in dumpsters, instead of the dignified graduate school educated Marxists who get free food by crashing people’s events that we are.

“Now that there’s no more NCP-LC, we figure it’s time for us to make another attempt at taking New York. But just to be safe, we’re going to employ security to protect us from Tafadar. You never know what that fucker’ll do. He’s probably more dangerous without the organisation to keep him in check than he was before.”