Human Nature Discovered

DNA

MUNICH – Top sciencers at the Bourgeois Institute for Legitimate Facts in Munich, Bavaria today announced a breakthrough in evolutionary biology: the confirmation of the existence of human nature, the immutable genetic source of class divisions in our unchanging society. One representative, Doktor Hans Rheinmüller, addressed the assembled press, including a Worker’s Spatula correspondent, earlier today.

“We’ve long known that humans are greedy, which is a technical term for the fact that no human can ever be truly happy if others are not starving and doing without. Economists, biologists, geneticists, photographers, and IT technicians have long agreed on this obvious fact. However, rogue evolutionary biologists with obvious communist sympathies have recently begun to claim that in spite of these facts, which they acknowledge as anyone with common sense would, it may be possible to either mitigate greed, or to evolve past it.

“After extensive genetic testing and review of the fossil record, we have discovered that the Neanderthals lacked the ‘greed’ gene, which was what actually allowed Homo sapiens to drive the Neanderthals extinct. Any attempt to create a society without exploitation or genetically modify humans to remove the ‘greed’ gene would likewise result in our rapid extinction at the hands of some aggressively bourgeois society. Perhaps space aliens, or the French.

“Likewise, those who suggest that state force could be used to in any way mitigate this intrinsic and scientifically proven feature of our eternal human nature, or even that a progressive tax plan should be put in place at present to alleviate poverty or combat climate change, are proven wrong by our extensive research on Homo floresiensis, which reveal that this species of human went extinct following a stock market crash brought about by socialism, the source of all crises in capitalism, the otherwise stable economic system of which socialism is a merely communist-inflected form.

“I will not be taking any questions,” concluded Doktor Rheinmüller, before retiring to his study to continue writing his physics-based rebuttal of the absurd fantasy tome, Capital, by Karl Marx.

Stefan Engel immediately arrived on the scene to comment, uninvited.

“What can we say, comrades? We’ve been proven wrong. These real and meaningful critiques come from a scientific perspective, and shatter our fantastic philosophy once and for all. Probably I will become an investment banker now, and I encourage all my former comrades of the MLPD to give me all their money to invest, the profits of which will not be shared with them, as is only natural and therefore right and fair.”

Slavoj Žižek surprised the world by taking a contrarian stance: “I am tempted to say the opposite,” hissed the Slovene from a bar in downtown Ljubljana, where he had been drinking with our local Balkan correspondent since 10 AM, totally by coincidence. “I propose that what is actually said, in the explicit form, is in fact, contrarily, within the totality of itself, meaningless. That is to say, simply because, and I don’t mean to be offensive I have many feminist friends, simply because human nature has been proven, does this mean that we are in fact, required to be human?

“I propose that the opposite is in fact the case. That we must refuse to take part in human nature precisely because, and here is the point, because of what humanity is being defined as by scientists.”

“My god!” he concluded, before downing the remainder of his beer and stumbling back to the bar.

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Jesus: Judeo-Bolshevik?

jesus-che

BERLIN, QENDÎL – The latest article by the well-known US Christian-Maoist Cornel West calling for all his ‘brothers and sisters’ to ‘follow Jesus in fighting for the poor and downtrodden’ has provoked a repsonse by the respectable news outlet (in the US) and fascist propaganda front (by the standards of other countries) Breitbart News Network asking: “Was Jesus Secretly A Judeo-Bolshevik!?”

The Breitbart correspondant Guy Whitey Corngood writes “We alt-rightists reject the label ‘white supremacist’… A sort of visceral hatred of black people and immigrants is completely ignorant, and beneath us. We are more refined than that. We realise that the blacks and Mexicans are weapons used by the Cultural Marxist Jews in service of their planned white genocide*. We merely advocate self-defence against this.”

“When we see Jesus preaching, much in the style of the famed Jew Karl Marx, that black people ought to rise against the white race in the hateful and racist fashion typical of the Bolsheviki, we have to ask: Was Jesus a Jew?”

Response from the left was swift, as firing squads are swift. Cornel West responded in that typically Cornel West style by saying: “I hope my brothers and sisters at Breitbart, no matter how they feel about Jesus, will just… just shove it up their own assholes. I’m sorry, I’m done being nice to every hateful piece of shit that spouts some blatantly reactionary nonsense in my general vicinity. We can’t save ’em all. I’m selling my cloak and buying a sword for these Yankee Nazis.”

Meanwhile, in Qendîl, our editor-in-chief was deep in the finer points of historical-theological discussion with Murat Karayılan:

“Was Jesus a Jew? What is a Jew? A Jew is a Mesopotamian, in a sense. The Talmud is from Mesopotamia, as is the Gilgamesh flood myth. Abraham was a Mesopotamian, so why shouldn’t Jesus be too?”

“Sure, okay, but the actual point of the debate isn’t about…”

“In our understanding, Judaism, and all religions, including your faith, Shi’a Islam, and mine, Taoism, are just pre-modern yearnings for the ultimate truth of socialism.”

“So what you’re saying is…”

“Jesus was a Kurd.”

The German left scene, which has been embroiled in critiques and discussions of Christianity’s effect on social and political consciousness since the death of Hz. Hegel, and which is deeply invested in responding to Nazis for some reason, had a great deal to say on the subject of Jesus’s alleged Bolshevism:

“Jesus was certainly a Jew, and not a dirty German,” explained Stefan Engel, the most Stalinist member of der Frankfurter Schule. “But was he a Bolshevik? I would argue not. Despite Jesus’s many positive teachings, he nonetheless failed to grasp the role of imperialism: Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s? More like expropriate from Caesar that which Caesar expropriated from the colonised people of Judea!

“Jesus would read GegenStandpunkt.”

GegenStandpunkt has responded with almost the opposite critique of the Nazarene. It reads, in part:

Any discussion of bourgeois society which divides between so-called “fascist” and “democratic” trends is itself un-Marxist. Jesus, as a classic “democratic revolutionary” of the type lauded by Leninite deviationists, may have appealed to the emotions of the poor suffering under capitalism, but he did nothing to actively elevate popular understanding of capitalism as a system of exploitation per se.

When Jesus explains „Ein Reicher wird schwer ins Himmelreich kommen“**, there is nothing Marxist in this. Marx may have broken with the other Junghegelianer over the role of religious ideology in the bourgeois state, but he was very clear that it was not an emancipatory role as such. As for Jesus:

„Es ist leichter, daß ein Kamel durch ein Nadelöhr gehe, denn daß ein Reicher ins Reich Gottes komme. […] Jesus aber sah sie an und sprach zu ihnen: Bei den Menschen ist es unmöglich; aber bei Gott sind alle Dinge möglich.“**

Case closed, Leninites: Jesus was a reformist, an idealist, and a class collaborator.

*It is once again to be noted that “white genocide” is a euphamism for a trend of consensual miscegenation, but “advocating” it will nonetheless result in them doing you like they did George Ciccariello-Mahir-Çayan.

**Bible quotes left in their original German to avoid human misrepresentation of words in the holy tongue of Hz. Hegel.

Worker’s Spatula New Year’s Message and Self-Criticism

bcpmlm

“No, we see your point,” explained our host, politely. “His analysis of international relations IS good, but I don’t think we’ll be converting the entire party to Shi’a Islam on the basis of that alone.”

“We’re recording,” interrupted the Yank. “Read the statement.”

“COMRADES!” began a bearded comrade with an obnoxious English accent, drops of butter tea dripping down his moustache, “We, the central committee of Worker’s Spatula, the rebel base of Marxist-Leninist internet irony, are here in a mountain camp in Bhutan, in solidarity with the local Gonzalists and their popular war against Bhutanese happiness! MABUHAY!”

“Down with mirth! Fuck joy!” interrupted one of the guerrillas in the back.

2016 marked the first full calendar year of Worker’s Spatula activity. Despite a generally pessimistic mood in some corners, in many ways, we count this past year as a success: We successfully defended Jeremy Corbyn against the Blairites, we defeated Hillary Clinton through our accelerationist agent, the Donald, and we sold a few t-shirts.

Per our original self-description, we take no responsibility for the many setbacks the world revolutionary movement has suffered over the course of the past year. Further, we are responsible for all progressive motion and unity among the revolutionary masses and their vanguard. So one would think we have no room for self-criticism, but we do. And not only because we’re being hosted by Maoists.

First of all, during our New Year’s self-criticism last year, we promised video propaganda. We did produce one low quality video, and wrote two or three others, but we made the grievous error of trusting the Yanks with video production duties. Needless to say, we should’ve known from Hollywood that the US is the last country you can put your faith in for quality video work. Hopefully and إن شاء الله, 2017 permits us to produce those and other videos for your viewing enjoyment.

More importantly, if we’re perfectly honest with ourselves, Worker’s Spatula is altogether too accessible to people who don’t spend all day reading ROL newsletters and founding documents of Turkish Marxist-Leninist groups from the 80s and 90s. We are simply not weird and obscure enough. Sometimes we even catch anarchists reading our work. It’s extremely disheartening to see, and represents clear evidence of some deviation from the correct line handed down to us from the prophet Vladimir Lenin (SAW).

Prepare for a new year which is more brutal, more dialectical, and more materialist. Prepare for jokes that Die Linke people won’t get, and GegenStandpunkt will hate themselves for chuckling at. We’re going to make jokes about Hegel and Gramsci and Left Communism, we’re going to talk about the THKPC-MLSPB instead of the MLKP, and we’re basically going to make 90% of our readers and 50% of our own staff declare the Spatula to be a hateful, unreadable mess barely worth mentioning.

We’re going to make the RCPB-ML look like the fucking CPB.

And yet somehow we’re going to keep gaining followers, because this is the internet, and quality and quantity keep transforming into each other in the ways we least expect.

In this spirit, we call on all of you to make a New Year’s resolution with us: MAKE YOUR RESOLUTION, REVOLUTION. Resolve to join Worker’s Spatula in our regular reading of revolutionary texts, the Spatula Reading Group, and become part of the process of our interventions in practical politics by responding to them!

On the first and fifteenth of every month, we’re going to assign a different revolutionary text for collective reading. It may be from the Marxist-Leninist canon, or perhaps it will be Hegel, but we will provide a link to the text online.

We want you, the readers, to write a one-page summary, or response with your reactions, preferably in terms of how you were able to relate the reading to the material conditions in which you are doing revolutionary politics. Through this online reading and recontextualising, you will be taking part in the dialectic that underlies Worker’s Spatula. You can push the spiral upwards! Push it! Push it good! Push it real good!

Taking part in this campaign is a great way to improve your Marxist reading and help expand Worker’s Spatula’s collective consciousness of the theoretical and practical struggles in your life. We encourage all to take part, and to e-mail us at mastursublator [at] gmail.com

Finally, in spite of whatever setbacks may loom large in your sight, we hope all comrades will cling tight to hope and struggle on to great victories in the new year! In particular, we hail Oscar Temaru’s inevitable victory in the upcoming French presidential elections. When the power of the Spatula and the revolutionary masses are united, miracles are possible! We are right, we will win!

WORKER’S AND OPPRESSED PEOPLES OF THE WORLD – UNITE!

Upon completing the reading of the statement, all present raised their Kalashnikovs skywards and fired into the heavens whilst the Yank screamed: “DIALECTICS, MOTHERFUCKERS!”

Fascist Counter-Protest Dispersed via Reverse Psychology

kurdistan

HAMBURG – A tense stand-off with some wolf-howling Turkish fascists counter-protesting a crowd of Kurdish and Turkish progressives who had been protesting the mass arrest of HDP parliamentarians ended unexpectedly peacefully today, thanks to the careful deployment of an unusual brand of reverse psychology by one Ronî Akbulut, a professional Kurdish troll.

The simmering tension between the two sides almost reached a head around 2:45 PM local time, when a particularly burly ülkücü positioned himself in front of Akbulut and a comrade and began cursing them as follows: “You PKK sons of bitches, I’ll fuck your cunts.”

While Akbulut’s comrade, who drew himself up so that his face was within mere centimetres of the face of his fascist foe, elected to curse back, Akbulut cleverly chose another tactic:

“No sir, I think you’ll find that it’s actually you who’s the PKK. You’re dividing Turkey.”

“What?” asked a nearby crowd of fascists, craning their necks so that they could better observe this startling turn of events.

“Yes,” explained Akbulut, “while I can see why you might think that we, with our Kurdish slogans and Apo flags and so forth, are the PKK, you’re the PKK. All of you. We’re actually Erdoğan.”

“You’re Erdoğan?” asked a confused bozkurt with a long ponytail.

“Yes. In fact, I am Turkey, and you’re dividing me with your terror. Türk ırkı sağolsun. Now go, and terrorise no more.”

Within minutes, all local MHPliler had returned to their animal skin-filled hideout in order to process their newfound identity crisis, while the Kurds and their red allies returned to protesting in peace.

“BIJÎ BIRATIYA GELAN! KURDISTAN GORISTAN JI BO FAŞÎSTAN!”

EXCLUSIVE: Germans did WWII

Germans

BERLIN – Visiting Worker’s Spatula correspondents were shocked to discover from local sources that Germany may have been the country responsible for World War II, and possibly the Nazi Holocaust.

An emergency meeting was called in which local German Worker’s Spatula correspondents were asked to defend themselves from the charges: “Well, technically contradictions of capital and imperialism caused World War II, but it is true that…”

“PURGED!” interrupted a US correspondent in attendance, leaping onto the table and gesturing with his fist quite Stalinistly. “You Germans are all purged from Worker’s Spatula for your families’ role in the Nazi Holocaust, a crime almost as great as the formation of the so-called ‘Fourth International’!”

“Now hold on a minute!” one of the Germans responded nervously. “You lot did Bush! And the English did Blair! The English invented Trotsky!”

“Yeah no we were out of the country at the time”, “In exile and that”, “I’m half Welsh or something”, responded the united Anglo front.

“We weren’t even born during WWII! Stefan Engel wasn’t even born!” responded another one of the perfidious Germans.

“You leave Stefan Engel out of this. He’s a Kurd now. He converted.”

“It’s true, I think all of ICOR has,” confirmed an English correspondent.

“But I’m in the MLPD! He’s in [REDACTED]! We’re in ICOR! So according to you, we’re Kurds now, so go after the other Germans!”

At press time, every German who Worker’s Spatula questioned on the street insisted that their family were “on holiday for the duration of Nazi rule”, and that they “probably have a Jewish ancestor”.

Open Letters from the Central Committee for Father’s Day

Dad

Several members of the Worker’s Spatula Central Committee recently discovered that the men they had known as their fathers were in fact sleeper agents for various socialist regimes. Obviously, this came as quite a shock, and three of them have elected to publicly express their feelings to their fathers as part of the healing process:

Dear Vati,

When I think back on my childhood, I always remember being a normal German boy with a normal German father and mother. But Mutti recently told me the truth about you. You are not [REDACTED], from Offenbach, but in fact a spy from the Lao People’s Democratic Republic!

In retrospect, maybe I should’ve seen the signs that I was adopted. When I really think about it, I don’t look so much like you or Mutti, who both do look a bit… un-German. Furthermore, every year at Pi Mai, when I would throw flour on the other children and scream “Sok di pi mai!”, they would always look at me as if there was something amiss.

I cannot say that I forgive this deception. I cannot say that I recognise in you or Mutti anything like “parents”. But I can say that I forgive Laos. Laos is not just my motherland now, but my actual mother. And Kaysone Phomvihane, my father.

I shall continue my important work in organising the German peasantry from my cover as a chicken-feed dealer.

Long live the MLPD,
[REDACTED]

Not all members were so crushed by the revelation that their parents were not quite who they seemed to be:

Dadi,

Dw i wedi dysgu’r gwir nawr. Wyt ti wedi bod yn gweithio fel bancwr llwyddiannus sydd â golygfeydd accelerationist, ond mewn gwirionedd, wyt ti a spy for the Republic of Cuba.

In fact, I’m somewhat relieved, because now I can tell you the truth about myself: Dw i ddim yn wir yn astudio Applied Sheep Sciences yn Cardiff University. Dw i’n mewn gwirionedd a correspondent for Worker’s Spatula.

Nawr dw i’n gwybod pwy wyt ti, a wyt ti’n dwybod pwy dw i. And we’re both fighting for the same thing: An independent, socialist, and bunker-filled Wales.

Dy ferch,
[REDACTED]

Finally, a letter from our northernmost Central Committee member:

Dear Pabbi,

I salute the many obstacles you overcame and struggles you engaged in in raising me to do the work of the socialist state of South Yemen under the cover of being a normal Icelandic family.

As the man I once believed to be my uncle mentioned during the debriefing at my coming-of-age, you had difficulty with the language and raised some initial suspicions with your choice of the surname Leninsson. However, the neighbours were eventually won around to your eccentric ways of cooking laufabrauð and your screams of “yalla!” at the lawnmower. After you gave your 3-hour presentation on the 1,100-year history of the family from Sven Leninsson on, you were just another quiet, ordinary Icelander.

But to me, and to the Central Committee of the Yemeni Socialist Party, you were much more than that. From your tireless work to combat North Yemeni influence across the country to the anti-imperialist leaflets you secretly distributed during the Cold War, you were always working for a socialist society. Even the end of the civil war and the beginning of a new one did nothing to halt your ardour.

To you, dad, and the coming revolution,
[REDACTED]

In addition, a fourth member of the Committee has been raised to be a suicide bomber for the Tamil Tigers, but we’ll let them know when it’s time.

Stefan Engel Invites Men Worker’s Spatula Staff to his Bavarian Dacha

StefanEngelCPI

BERLIN-PANKOW – What follows is the full text of an invitation received by Worker’s Spatula’s editor-in-chief, [REDACTED 1], from Stefan Engel, chair of the MLPD, chief coordinator of ICOR, greatest friend to the Kurdish national democratic revolution in all of Europe, and winner of the coveted “Largest Sausage” award from the Deutscher Fleischer-Verband:

Dear [REDACTED 1],

In recognition of your great services to ICOR and to the revolution, I, Stefan Engel, wish to personally extend an invitation to my dacha in Bavaria for a fun-filled weekend of drinking, barbecue, discussion of dialectics and the international situation, and swimming (no need to bring a cossie, we are Germans after all).

I hope this won’t be misunderstood, but could we just have the men comrades come down? It’s nothing against the women comrades, but I’m so busy with the women’s wing of the MLPD lately that I want a little “boys’ time”, if you know what I mean. We can have all Worker’s Spatula staff regardless of gender over to my Alpine ski resort in the winter, and we’ll call it even.

You can pick the weekend, I am free most of the summer, and I miss you lads so much since our romp in Tunisia in the winter.

Comradely,
Stefan Engel

Response from men Worker’s Spatula staff has been mostly positive, and a date is expected to be set soon. Additionally, [REDACTED 2], head of the photoshop division, has informed us that she is “so fucking jealous of you guys”.

Jürgen Habermas Leads Uprising of the Kurdish Masses Against the Turkish State

HabermasLeadsTheMasses

AMED/DIYARBEKIR – Worker’s Spatula has obtained exclusive footage from a huge mass rally against the blockade of Sûr, the historical central district of Amed (better known as Diyarbekir). This information could not be verified by our on-the-ground correspondents, who are all “on the other side of the barricades” (so to speak), providing us with exclusive information on the struggle of the Civil Defence Forces (YPS) in a prime example of embedded journalism. However, we are absolutely sure that the white-haired man in the front row of the picture provided above is guerrilla academic Jürgen Habermas.

This explains why Habermas, Germany’s (and in fact, all of Europe’s) foremost public intellectual, has not commented on anything related to Germany or the EU as of late. Given his obnoxious presence in all previous mainstream debates regarding central issues related to Germany and the EU, and the picture above (which we obtained from KurdishQuestion.com), we are forced to conclude that he has secretly joined the Kurdish Liberation Movement and is now seeking to cultivate a larger following by means of armed resistance and mass rallies.

Through our contacts in Turkey, both Kurdish and Albanian, we managed to gain permission to phone the imprisoned leader of the PKK, Abdullah Öcalan, on the island of İmralı to get his reaction to this shocking news. Öcalan, who was apparently engaged in a fierce Texas Hold ‘Em battle with the prison guards when we reached him, first spent several minutes trying to convince us of Urfa’s status as the cradle of human civilisation. After allowing him to finish his rant, which at some point deviated into a diatribe about the superiority of Urfa Kebab to Adana Kebab, we asked him about the Habermas situation.

“Well, I read him,” he informed us, “but there was nothing original in his critiques of Marxism or positivism, both of which are clear examples of plagiarism of my own theoretical output. Pay up, Ahmet. This hand is mine.”

MLPD leader Stefan Engel, main organiser of ICOR, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Conquering Lion of Judah, Elect of God, the Light of the World, did respond to our text message enquiring as to his reaction on the matter. The first text consisted of nothing but “LOL 😂😂”. About four minutes later we received a second text stating: “Look, if there is one German who has won the right to lead the Kurdish masses and in fact the masses of oppressed around the globe, that is clearly Stefan Engel. Yes, correct, that is myself. Other than that, I appreciate Habermas’s growing radicalisation and, assuming he should give a public self-criticism for deviating from the line of the MLPD, we would potentially be open to considering him as a member of the ranks of the MLPD, maybe, why not.”

“PS: I nearly choked on my Currywurst when you texted me the news. Please warn me in the future, or I will revoke Worker’s Spatula’s ICOR funding.”

Anarchist Man Enjoys Subverting Gender Binary, Lesbian Porn

AnarchistTossingOff

HAMBURG – Local anarchist activist Otto Schwimmer is known among his friends for two things: His fierce opposition to all forms of oppressive hierarchy, from social class to gender, and his passionate love for lesbian-themed pornography.

“Oh yeah, rub your pussies together, you sluts,” exclaimed Schwimmer as he engrossed himself in the woman-dominated spectacle onscreen, manually stimulating himself in a most deconstructive fashion.

Several minutes later, he was to be found in the comments section of an article on a trans woman winning her right to use the women’s showers. “Bravo!” he typed. “If anything, I would say this decision doesn’t go far enough. We need to abolish gender ghettoisation of all showers. In this country where we condemn Muslim immigrants for their treatment of women, we never consider the ways in which we also have our own forms of gender segregation.”

At press time, Schwimmer was seen standing uncomfortably close to two high school-aged girls on a dimly-lit street, explaining why the institution of the police, whether bourgeois or socialist, is unnecessary and oppressive.

Tsipras Calls on Greek Masses to Rise Up Against Him

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ATHENS – Greek prime minister and four-time European Governmental Head Cheese-Eating Champion Alexis Tsipras today called on the people of Greece to rise up against the “corrupt and incompetent Tsipras government”.

“We in Syriza stand with the people. The people, and the people alone, are the motive force in the making of world history. The protests, strikes, and riots across the country make clear that the people totally reject the austerity policies implemented by the EU and its puppet government in Athens, which is to say us.”

“Syriza should’ve never surrendered to the neoliberal blackmail and accepted the terms of the third international bailout. That traitor Tsipras must be held accountable!” Tsipras concluded.

Later in the day, while Tsipras was in a meeting with European creditors, Worker’s Spatula correspondents in Athens roamed the streets seeking opinions. It wasn’t long before they came across representatives of the KKE and Popular Unity.

“We always opposed Syriza, but we also always opposed any strikes or protests that weren’t organised by us, so we’re not actually sure how to respond to this.” a protesting KKE member said, chanting softly in an alleyway so as to not be confused with the rioters on the main street throwing petrol bombs at a bank. “Anyway, the revolution will come as soon as the Greek people vote us into power. Any day now.”

“This was quite a shocking development, honestly.” said a member of Popular Unity as she was handcuffed by the police. “We left Syriza because they didn’t support things like this, so now we’re thinking of rejoining Syriza, although they’re the government that we’re protesting against. I’m sure nobody outside of Greece knows what we Greeks are up to, but frankly neither do we. I’m just riding it out at this point. Something’s gonna happen, somewhow.”

From Germany, response was predictable. Die Linke condemned the “adventurism” of the Syriza government and called on them to take part in “principled” struggle, “ideally in the form of a politely worded editorial for junge Welt”. Meanwhile, MLPD chair Stefan Engel responded by saying “I’m sure the KOE know what they’re doing. Resistance and that.”

“Can we talk about Kurds again? I know what’s going on there at least.”