Point/Counterpoint: Theory or Practice?


Point: Your theory is bourgeois idealism, stop confusing the proletariat (me)
by Toilers’ Party for Global Freedom representative

Worker’s Spatula, shut the fuck up! Nobody gives a fucking shit about dianetics, nobody fucking knows who Steven Engels is, and for sure nobody fucking cares which part of the social-fascist deMOCKratic “$ociali$t$” of ameriKKKa (d$a) is better than which other part. You need to stop using so many big words to cover up for what you’re doing: spreading social-democratic and reformist views that serve imperialism and pave the way for fascism.

Fuck your propaganda for the Zionist psyop “Rojava” and the social-imperialist Jeremy Corbyn, fuck your stupid reading list which just confuses the proletariat (me), and especially fuck your claim to being anti-revisionist Stalinists when you don’t even uphold the immortal thought of Comrade President Xi. You’re nothing but fucking Trots, with your “movement building” and your “quantitative change” and your “blocking me from your Facebook page”. But what do you have to show for it? Pages and pages of bullshit nobody wants to read because it doesn’t relate to materialism.

While you were spreading your idealism, my party, the Toilers’ Party for Global Freedom, was engaged in real fucking revolutionary practice. We confronted your imperialist Sandersbot friends at some Fight for $15 bullshit, chanting “BERNIE KILLED ROSA” while waving the flag of the ONLY Korea, the North one, and the flag of the only Syrians, the SSNP. We’re fighting fascism in its most dangerous form, as the ANTISOFA front against social-fascism, while you’re all in the library or Melbourne or wherever the fuck you are.

While I can’t organise any workers because of that book Settlers, the one good thing your dumb site has recommended I read, I can say I’m personally doing more for proletarian revolution here in the so-called “United” States than any of you are doing in any country in the world, even if you are organising workers: I’m at the firing range every week, getting ready for the fucking people’s war against UnKKKle $am. I bet that pisses you off, doesn’t it?

More like “Imperialist’s Spatula”.

And stop over-complicating Leninism with your stupid quotes, you revisionists. You may be able to quote a lot of bullshit, but if Lenin were alive today, he’d answer you just as he answered the revisionists in his day with his 11th Thesis: OPPOSE BOOK WORSHIP.

Counterpoint: Stalinist practice is the result of Stalinist theory.
by the only Marxist on the internet

That was a marvelous display of ignorance, typical of Stalinists like the ones who run this sorry excuse for a website which has agreed to host my rebuttal.

I am sure no actual Marxists are even reading this, just the same sort of Stalinists who run this page, but I was promised a case of some truly choice pinot noir in exchange for a counterpoint in defence of Marxist theory, so here we are:

The claims of “revolutionary practice” by Stalinists mirror their claims of defending “actually existing socialism”. This faux-materialism is nothing more than a constellation of vulgar left-nationalisms which are bourgeois in the first and final instance, all attempts to dress them up otherwise notwithstanding.

Could you pop open one of those pinot noirs for me? No, no need for a glass, just uncork it and set it down there.

I’m sure Worker’s Spatula were hoping I was simply planning on rebutting the pithy pseudo-revolutionism displayed in the outbursts of this child from the so-called “Toilers’ Party for Global Freedom”. I suspect Worker’s Spatula editors forget all those times they called me a “leftcom waste of oxygen” and “gainsaying wrecker neo-Trotskyite filth”. Then use me as a hired gun who can be bought off with a few bottles of pinot to gainsay your ideological enemies within the Stalinist movement???

Don’t take that away, I’m still drinking that!

Well, I haven’t forgotten. I haven’t forgotten anything. It’s always you Stalinists who forget things. You forget how many of your heroes wouldn’t be up to your own standards of Marxist theoretical rigour, you’ve forgotten how many un-self-criticised zig-zags and re-un-self-criticised re-zig-re-zags you’ve been responsible for throughout your confused 20th century aborted attempt at marrying assorted “anti-imperialist” bourgeois nationalisms with Marxism predicated on a few out-of-context Marx quotes, and now you’re doing it all over again with 21st century identity politics and whatever unsettled nationalist scores you can still muster in 2018! You fucking hacks! You expect me to treat you any differently from these first day communist kids because you can hobble together some Hegelese? You think I’ll view you as equals because you could hold your own in a debate with Žižek? Anyone with enough coke in their system who’s taken more than one semester of philosophy can pull that off! How long will your fraud go unexposed?

Your future will be the same as all of those who have gone before you, and picking on stupid kids who can’t tell the difference between the Bolshevik Party and Phalangists won’t change that. One day your opportunism will overpower your intellectualism and you’ll be right there next to them, you won’t be joking when you claim Trump is pushing history forward because of some ill-defined “contradictions”, your US comrades will be low-level functionaries in some washed-up post-DSA “popular front”, your German comrades will be little Horst Mahlers, your British comrades will be in the Green Party, your Australian comrades will still be in the Green Party, and any of your Turkish and Kurdish comrades who aren’t dead will be Doğu Perinçek and the PUK, respectively.

I can see the future through my superior understanding of the dialectic of class struggle, “comrades”, and I can tell you in the end everyone will see what frauds and fake Marxists you were, like all the Stalinists before you. One day, history will look back and see that I was the only real Marxist on the internet.

And then maybe, just maybe, someone will read my blog.

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Ajamu Baraka: “Land and Freedom NOW!”

Ajamu Baraka

JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI – While Jill Stein’s guerrilla campaign among the Amish people continues to gather steam, she has chosen a new comrade-in-arms, already deeply engaged in struggle in the so-called “Black Belt”, or “New Afrika”: Ajamu Baraka.

“Land and freedom NOW!” screamed Ajamu Baraka to a cheering crowd of supporters in Jackson, Mississippi, who were waving portraits of Chokwe Lumumba and red, black, and green flags. “Afrikans in this country need to stand up and embrace a real revolution: A national democratic revolution for our people on our land, which we worked as slaves and on which we are still third-class citizens!”

The Black radical’s fiery rhetoric did not spare the feelings of white reformist figures from across the mainstream US political spectrum: “Hillary Clinton’s not going to protect you from fascists like Trump, and neither would Bernie Sanders. They’re all loyal servants of imperialism, and our people have got to stand up for ourselves, liberate ourselves, by any means necessary.”

In spite of his closeness to Jill Stein, he emphasised the need to avoid any illusions about the nature of the system against which the Afro-American people are fighting: “It doesn’t really matter to us who the president is, this system is our enemy, and we’ve got to defeat it. Even if Comrade Jill Stein wins, she won’t be able to change the status quo for our people unless we get organised! We’ve got to recognise Yankee imperialism for what it is: A parasitic enemy of oppressed peoples, including us. This country is built on top of our sweat and labour, our blood and tears! And we’re going to liberate it with our blood and sweat, and really free ourselves, once and for all! Now are you with me?”

Reaction to the speech from the crowd was enthusiastic, but the reactions from the broader US Left, including Afro-American radicals, were mixed:

“Ajamu Baraka is a bourgeois nationalist, no matter what he says,” claimed known Hoxhaite and vocal defender of the DPRK (“in spite of its clear revisionism”) Beyoncé Knowles, between songs at her sold-out concert last night: “Black people do need to question the very core of this system, but the road to ‘Black liberation’ is socialist revolution itself. The police are bourgeois police, the KKK were funded by the big bourgeoisie. This entire country is an imperialist centre with the power to hold Black people down because of capitalism: Racism itself is a product of capitalist attempts to divide the workers.”

“Slay, queen!” yelled APL National Spokesperson Alfonso Casal from the side of the stage, waving a Marx-Engels-Lenin-Stalin flag, as pounding electronic drums announced the start of the next song, to which he enthusiastically bounced, singing along to every word.

“That is completely backward,” responded Ray Light of the Revolutionary Organization of Labor at a secret press conference attended predominantly by ICOR-affiliated foreigners. “Most of the facts are correct, but the Afro-American right to liberation is not dependent on a time table of socialist struggle by the proletariat of the oppressor nation. On the contrary, Afro-American national liberation will deal a powerful blow to imperialism, strengthening the hand of the oppressor nation proletariat.”

Following the delivery of this incisive analysis, he threw a smoke bomb into the crowd and disappeared into the night.

Kshama Sawant of Socialist Alternative, stated that “Jill Stein, even without Ajamu Baraka, is herself doing the job of dividing the working class that so resolutely united behind Bernie Sanders during his campaign. The real answer is Kshama Sawant.”

“Kshama Sawant, Kshama Sawant, Kshama Sawant,” she concluded.

Cornel West, friendly uncle of the US Left, stated that he had not “been paying much attention to what he said particularly, I’m just glad that after that awful Bernie Sanders business, me and Brother Ajamu can be friends again.”

Subcomandante Stein Begins Guerrilla Campaign


THE JUNGLES OF PENNSYLVANIA – It has been a few weeks since “people’s rule” was established in rural Pennsylvania by the Jill Stein campaign, in an apparent tactical manoeuvre meant to unite the dissatisfaction drawn from the fallout of the Sanders campaign with the decades long struggle of the local “Amish” people against central state authority and capitalism.

“These people are fighting to preserve their very way life from the onslaught of neoliberalism, which is destroying our planet,” explained Subcomandante Stein. “These are people who are at one with nature. Can the morning dew carry a gun for the revolution? The whispers of the trees in Pennsylvania tell me it can.”

“The urban revolutionaries of the US can learn a lot from the Amish people, who work communally, who respect our Mother Earth, and who reject the capitalist commodification of women in all forms,” Stein explained.

The local community has been drawn in at all levels into the Greens’ radical democratic project. Local Amish and non-Amish alike have begun to reject Clintonite control of political representation and natural resources. Direct democratic initiatives have aided in earning the local people’s trust, but also in helping to reshape the Greens’ programme for the US at large, which now incorporates demands for land reforms and opposition to zippers.

Amish communities in other states have been inspired by the success of Jill Stein in Pennsylvania, and have been leading many of their “English” neighbours away from the Clinton campaign in light of Bernie Sanders’s defeat and statements of support for Clinton. In Indiana, there are reports of armed clashes between roving bands of Amish and neo-Nazis, in which both sides are reported to exchange German language battle cries and Bible quotes.

Subcomandante Stein has taken to frequent media appearances in Amish villages, where she gives statements of solidarity with ETA, and condemns Clinton as “a representative of the neo-liberal status quo which gave birth to Trumpite fascism” and “the face of English tyranny against the noble Amish people”. Worker’s Spatula’s local correspondent asked for a concrete example of Stein’s claim that “the Amish people have taught [her] to look at the world in a new way.”

“Over time, I have come to understand how important their traditional faith is to them. Many of them believe the Holocaust was punishment by God against the Jews for rejecting Jesus. Instead of explaining fascism with left-wing terminology, I learned to explain it to them in terms of God punishing Europe for sinful political centrism. I argued for the use of Kalashnikovs against Trumpites in theological terms. They are God’s warriors against the sins of America, and Clinton is one of the worst sinners.”

The success of the Green campaign has led Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson to change his tactics as well: He is now to be found at Native American-owned casinos, arguing against “the white man’s government” and in favour of free market reforms which will allow Native Americans to become rich and buy back their land from the palefaces.

The Turkish Yeşiller ve Sol Gelecek Partisi has quickly capitalised on the Stein campaign to gain recruits. “Finally,” Eylem Tuncaelli, the woman co-spokesperson for the party was quoted as saying, “we have something going on so people in the HDK and HDP will pay serious attention to us. It’s not all about you, Figen!”

As of press time, the entire YSGP had been taken into custody for questioning on suspicion of having made propaganda for the terrorist state of Pennsylvania, which is being held up in the Turkish media as proof of a Gülen-Öcalan connection.

Next Catastrophe Looming for Cizre


CİZRE, TURKISH KURDISTAN – The Kurdish town of Cizre in Turkey gained international notoriety due to the Turkish state completely cutting off the whole city from the outside world and imposing a 24-hour curfew for 8 days. The details of the plight of the people in Cizre are now slowly emerging and it appears that at least 23 civilians have been killed.

This is clearly terrorist propaganda, as Turkish officials have informed the public that no harm at all was done to civilians and it was only PKK terrorists that were killed. Apparently the whole focus of the operation was some 150 to 200 militants supposedly hiding in the city. It is only logical to punish all of the 120,000 people in the town towards this goal. Also, it is now clear that among the dead were a 35-day old baby and several people aged 70 to 80. This is clear evidence of PKK trickery, recruiting babies and old men to fight. A 75-year old who was killed by a sniper apparently left the house saying “I am going to get some bread, I’m old, they are not going to do anything to me.” The Turkish state is far too careful to be fooled so easily.

After the siege was finally broken after massive protests, a new catastrophe loomed on the horizon for the impoverished town. A delegation of the German Green Party including chairperson Cem Özdemir has apparently made its way to Cizre and already begun to harass the people with its liberal blabber. After the first impressions, Özdemir commented on Facebook: “The weapons must remain silent. The place for a solution of the Kurdish Question is the Turkish parliament.” An elderly Kurdish woman from Cizre responded: “Sure, it’s been working so well until recently. The PKK should really just lay down their arms and trust the Turkish state…” An anonymous spokesperson of the Kurdish urban guerrilla organisation YDG-H added: “Er, sure, we invite Heval Cem to spent a night with us protecting our neighbourhoods. If he still thinks that we can just politely sit down over tea with the state… then there’s nothing more we can do to help him.” Özdemir is also known to have demanded that the Kurdish movement distance itself from the PKK – a statement whose meaning was incomprehensible to the Kurdish movement at large.

Turkish President Erdoğan commented on the events at a press conference where only select journalists known to be admirers of the President were allowed in: “Which one of them is there? The woman, what was her name? Claudia Roth, I think? Well, if it’s her, tell her that it is none of her business. If it’s Cem, well… He might be born in Germany and pretend to be German, but we all know he is a Turk. So he will be eventually tried as a traitor when I have control over all the Turks in the world, and all the so-called ‘non-Turkish’ Muslims as well, of course.”

A journalist, who might have wanted to ask a critical question (or perhaps not), was yanked away by security forces after he opened with “Mr.President, I would like…” because his tone reportedly implied a critical question. He is now on trial for “propaganda for a proscribed terrorist organisation.”

One of the leading cadres of the PKK, Mustafa Karasu, commented in his interview with Med-Nûçe TV. In the interview he declared that the PKK is ready to negotiate a cease-fire if the conditions are right. “That’s not new, though, we’ve been saying that forever. But look, the other side, Erdoğan, he does not want a cease-fire and he made that pretty clear. Now, about Cem Özdemir: Does he actually know what he is talking about? Clearly not. But whatever, weren’t they all in love with Erdoğan who was presumably democratising the country? Magician that he is, he democratised it straight into dictatorship. So, forget Özdemir, but remind him of his words the next time he encourages NATO to bomb a country into oblivion.”

David Harvey, recently detained on the ground of being mistaken for Karl Marx, had a proposition for the Turkish state: “Why don’t you besiege the city for a day of two while the Green Party delegation is there. The Kurdish people are tough enough to make it through that, they’ve made it through worse for decades now. But maybe the Green Party delegation will shut their mouths as a result.”

MLPD leader Stefan Engel was somewhat upset that Worker’s Spatula even engaged with these events. “You are covering the revolution! Why do you even care about these bourgeois hacks? But yeah, you’re right, Cizre might be suffering the next humanitarian catastrophe, so that needs to be covered. By the way, I had requested an enquiry as to whether or not the entire town wants to join ICOR – do you know if there are any developments in that regard?”