ICOR Descends on London to Talk Toblerone Tactics

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LONDON – ICOR, the international revolutionary solidarity organisation formed at the initiative of its most famous affiliate, Nouveau Parti Communiste Haϊtien (Marxiste-Léniniste), are ringing in 2017 with a newer, bigger solidarity project, even more important to the international revolutionary movement than the Kurdish liberation movement’s defence of Şengal and Rojava from the barbaric forces of ISIS.

As is known, the gaps in the Toblerone in the UK have been widened, provoking a strong public outcry, particularly from the petty bourgeoisie and labour aristocracy. Protests have broken out across England, leading ICOR to call an emergency conference in London to discuss strategy and tactics for the chocolate crisis.

“Toblerone is a blatantly petty bourgeois chocolate, and class dynamics must underlie our every discussion,” opined a representative of the Bolshevik Party (North Kurdistan-Turkey). “Standing with these petty bourgeois protesters, even if they should riot and fight the police, would be tantamount to supporting fascism. Our struggle against opportunism must definitely extend to Toblerone and all other chocolate confections.”

“Most forms of struggle in the UK inevitably possess some petty bourgeois character, on account of the strength of the labour aristocracy,” responded a KOE member in attendence, on break from organising the bream-fishers of Santorini. “What is crucial is that the rejection of the gap-widening of the Toblerone reflects a rejection of profit-motivated production as such and can be used to help the masses understand their interest in socialism.”

From the back of the room came a loud cough, as a representative of the MLGS (the Marxist-Leninist Group of Switzerland) stood to speak:

Comrades! As the only Swiss in the room, and the only communists in Switzerland, we are in a unique position to analyse the impetus for this chocolate-modifying: It is our understanding that the chocolate was modified not for reasons of the profit motive, which would be difficult to explain in light of this modification being done, as far as our investigations have determined, only in the United Kingdom.

Clearly our bourgeois compatriots in Switzerland modified the British Toblerone so as to teach the obscenely positivist peoples of Britain about Hegelian dialectics. As all Swiss companies’ boards of directors are predominantly Right Hegelian, this unfortunately does result in greater overall exploitation for the profit motive. However, as all chocolate under capitalism is effectively in the service of the profit motive, we must consider, contextually, what meaning can truly be derived from this latest Toblerone gambit:

Out of the being of Toblerone has come the nothingness of the gaps. Out of the nothingness of the gaps comes being. Without the gaps, you cannot conceive of Toblerone as such. When Toblerone ceases to exist, so too will its gaps.

Was it not Marx who said: “With Toblerone, class struggle is standing on its head. It must be inverted, in order to discover the dialectical chocolate within the vulgar paper and foil shell”?

The Swiss representative then proceeded to take a Toblerone bar, flip it over several times on the table, as its triangular shape made it difficult to precisely determine when it was standing on its head, before unwrapping it and eating it piece by piece as the entire room waited silently, with baited breath.

At time of press, the ICOR meeting in London had voted down TİKB’s proposal to “blow up a Toblerone bar in the middle of London as an act of armed propaganda”.

First Annual “Stalin Did Nothing Wrong” Conference Organised

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ATHENS – In honour of the birthday of Comrade Stalin, the KKE has taken the initiative to organise a massive conference in Athens in honour of the completely error-free life of the nicest human being ever to be born: Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin.

The “Stalin Did Nothing Wrong” Conference will be held every year going forward, with possible candidate cities for next year’s conference including Volgograd (in Russia), and Gori (in Georgia).

Despite its decidely un-Soviet nostalgic location (the inevitable result of the material conditions under which the conference was planned), turnout was tremendous. Delegates arrived from countries as varied as India, Chile, Turkey, Togo, and the UK to offer presentations on the overwhelming rightness of Stalin in word and deed.

A panel was organised specifically for the UK defenders of Comrade Stalin, including the CPGB-ML, NCP, and the RCPB-ML. The NCP representative presented on “Frida Kahlo as Stalinist, de Rivera as Trotskyite”, the RCPB-ML presented on “Youth Culture: can Stalin be incorporated into it?”, and the CPGB-ML presented on “Please ignore the first two presentations at this panel, we are the only British people who defend Comrade Stalin”.

George Galloway was not invited to present, but had his own table outside the conference where he stopped women comrades entering the building to ask them if they thought he was more handsome than Stalin.

A representative of the Turkish party TKİP repeated its call, consistent in all international gatherings in which they are present, for all genuine Marxist-Leninists across the world to grow glorious Stalin-style moustaches. During the question-and-answer session for this panel, a Worker’s Spatula representative condemned the “butch dominance” of “formalistic Stalinism”, demanding a “femme equivalent to the Stalin moustache” be found. The TKİP responded that the Spatula correspondent was a “Foucaultite wrecker and clear agent of the MLKP”.

Despite tremendous disagreement on the most basic questions of history and current practice, a toast was held at the end of the evening to “unity in struggle, and struggle in unity”, at which point a giant mpaklavas, dyed so as to resemble a painting of Comrade Stalin, was wheeled out to cheers and the traditional birthday song of Georgia’s most famous native son:

KKE Leaves Syriza

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ATHENS – Following a lengthy debate at all levels over the past four years since the declaration of Syriza as a “party”, the Brezhnevite organisation known as the KKE has finally decided to leave Syriza and consider other options of engagement with bourgeois elections:

“Obviously, at the beginning, during the protests in the squares, we just wanted to unite in principled struggle with the people, rather than standing on the sidelines and preaching insane levels of purity, including the scolding of individual protesters, like a bunch of Trotskyites. So naturally we were very close to Syriza in those days,” explained a party spokesman sporting an extremely stylish Fidel Castro shirt.

“When it came time for Syriza to take part in elections, well, since we’ve always emphasised the importance of elections on the one hand and the legacy of Stalin and Brezhnev on the other, we simply had to take part in this clear example of popular front action.

“But lately we’re starting to consider that Syriza might have outlived its usefulness, and so we’re looking into perhaps joining Popular Unity, or Antarsya, or perhaps hosting some talks about the terms of a possible electoral alliance between the two.

“Anything to move beyond the sectarianism we’ve long condemned and provide a real way forward for our beloved Greek people, for whom we would sacrifice our very lives.”

Reactions from the rest of the Greek left have been mostly negative, with Greek Prime Minister or whatever he is Alexis Tsipras condemning the action as “ultra-left deviation by our last real friends in the EU, and the group on whom all of our hopes were so strongly pinned.

“Also, Koutsoumpas’s hair looks fucking terrible. This is why I get to be in charge and nobody’s even heard of you. I look like a sexy oil wrestler’s wet dream and you look like some kind of uncle from one of those countries where uncles don’t even grow moustaches.”

From the other side, Popular Unity and Antarsya were able to unite, but only in the action of releasing a joint statement condemning the KKE’s attempts at moving closer to them:

“There will never be a place for the KKE in Popular Unity or Antarsya. Both of our principles of unity clearly state that you must believe the Soviet Union went bad when either Lenin or Stalin died. It is simply unbefitting a Greek communist organisation to be able to explain your position on the Soviet Union without reference to any specific years.

“Frankly, you’re just not dialectical enough for us.”

Like everything else the KKE does, it is expected that the anti-Kurdish hate group KP and various “parties” in English-speaking countries will fall over themselves in sharing this latest example of heroism by the last real proletarian revolutionaries in Greece, the KKE.

Tsipras Calls on Greek Masses to Rise Up Against Him

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ATHENS – Greek prime minister and four-time European Governmental Head Cheese-Eating Champion Alexis Tsipras today called on the people of Greece to rise up against the “corrupt and incompetent Tsipras government”.

“We in Syriza stand with the people. The people, and the people alone, are the motive force in the making of world history. The protests, strikes, and riots across the country make clear that the people totally reject the austerity policies implemented by the EU and its puppet government in Athens, which is to say us.”

“Syriza should’ve never surrendered to the neoliberal blackmail and accepted the terms of the third international bailout. That traitor Tsipras must be held accountable!” Tsipras concluded.

Later in the day, while Tsipras was in a meeting with European creditors, Worker’s Spatula correspondents in Athens roamed the streets seeking opinions. It wasn’t long before they came across representatives of the KKE and Popular Unity.

“We always opposed Syriza, but we also always opposed any strikes or protests that weren’t organised by us, so we’re not actually sure how to respond to this.” a protesting KKE member said, chanting softly in an alleyway so as to not be confused with the rioters on the main street throwing petrol bombs at a bank. “Anyway, the revolution will come as soon as the Greek people vote us into power. Any day now.”

“This was quite a shocking development, honestly.” said a member of Popular Unity as she was handcuffed by the police. “We left Syriza because they didn’t support things like this, so now we’re thinking of rejoining Syriza, although they’re the government that we’re protesting against. I’m sure nobody outside of Greece knows what we Greeks are up to, but frankly neither do we. I’m just riding it out at this point. Something’s gonna happen, somewhow.”

From Germany, response was predictable. Die Linke condemned the “adventurism” of the Syriza government and called on them to take part in “principled” struggle, “ideally in the form of a politely worded editorial for junge Welt”. Meanwhile, MLPD chair Stefan Engel responded by saying “I’m sure the KOE know what they’re doing. Resistance and that.”

“Can we talk about Kurds again? I know what’s going on there at least.”

News in Brief: November 10th 2015

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LISBON – Apparently the Portuguese Left has decided to remind the rest of Europe that Portugal exists. Most European leftists responded with shock when they learnt that Podemos was not involved in the as yet unanalysed Lusophone shenanigans. The dastardly Portuguese are up to something, but it is not clear what exactly. ICOR coordinator and known Iberophile Stefan Engel responded to the murky developments in the quasi-country, saying “It makes me wish we had a Portuguese ICOR affiliate, so we could ask them what was up. But we never thought to enquire into possible Portuguese affiliates, because they were all hiding down there, below Spain, where nobody ever looks.”

LONDON – The greatest Greek philosopher since Plato and the sexiest Greek since Alcibiades, Yanis Varoufakis, and the best Yugoslav Stalin-pretender since Tito, Slavoj Žižek, have announced their discussion-based eventoid “Europe is Kaputt. Long live Europe!”, in which they will discuss, nay, DECIDE the future of Europe. Inside sources hint that Žižek will agree with Varoufakis on some banal point before launching into a tangent, and, at another point, “quote someone with whom… [he disagrees] entirely”.

THE JUNGLES OF SOUTHERN THAILAND – In response to a Malaysian government proposal to mandate separate supermarket trolleys for Halal and non-Halal food products, ex-guerrillas of the Communist Party of Malaya called a press conference in a village near the border: “It didn’t start here, and it won’t end here. I think we all know where this is going. Your children are going to be growing up in a Malay-speaking version of Saudi Arabia. Don’t like it? Well, you had your chance, Malaysia. I bet a lot of you wish we had won now, huh? Well, now we don’t have any guns, and you’re stuck with your garbage state. We’re never coming home, so we don’t have to worry about any of that.” When our Worker’s Spatula correspondent in Thailand pointed out that Thailand was looking pretty hopeless itself, the once-upon-a-time rebels curtly informed all present that the conference was over.

SOMEWHERE IN GODDAMN ONTARIO – Jason Unruhe is now accusing people of “wrecking”. He has yet to respond to Worker’s Spatula’s e-mailed enquiry into how anyone can wreck the LLCO, an organisation which appears to consist only of himself and “Comrade Prairie Fire”. Hopefully nothing has come between the two of them, and the entire editorial and writing staff of Worker’s Spatula wishes them nothing but the best.

Greece in Chaos; KKE to Fix Everything

kke-syrizaATHENS – After the total defeat of Syriza, the situation in Greece has descended into a chaotic mire which is difficult to penetrate at first glance. The Syriza leadership has driven the party to a split through unwavering belief in its strategy of having polite and productive discussions over a cup of tea with the people who intend to crush you. Former Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras is reportedly still confused as to why his plans were unsuccessful. An unnamed source close to Tsipras claims to have seen him in fierce discussion with Euclid Tsakalatos, former Minister of Finance and successor to Yanis Varoufakis, named “sexiest Greek alive” and “sexiest motorcyclist alive” by People Magazine Ellas. Tsipras was reported to have desperately shouted “why did we not serve them coffee and some sweets too? Should we have brought more olive oil and feta cheese for Schäuble? Should I have changed my name in Tsopanis, so Hamdi Ulukaya could have helped us out like he did Kobanê?”

The international response to developments has been mixed. On the one hand, proven revolutionaries like Leo Panitch, whose credentials of training revolutionaries how to use AK-47s in his Toronto basement are well known and widely admired, were still trying to blame everyone but the Syriza leadership for Syriza’s failed politics, and the most “movementist” components of the organized German Left such as Interventionistische Linke and the Blockupy alliance were supporting the political line of the Syriza leadership using the most statist and bureaucratic logic available to them, thus proving they were more Marxist than everyone else, as one must “dive into the manure of contradictions whilst engaging with realpolitik.”

On the other hand, CWI affiliates around the world continue to praise their Greek section Xekinima for its bold decision to leave Syriza and then cry about how Syriza leadership fails to reflect their views.

Additionally, Stefan Engel, chairman of the MLPD and winner of “most fuckable flabby white guy” at the International Communist Awards five years running (since he dethroned Slavoj Žižek after the formation of ICOR) convened a press conference in Berlin, at which he stated “KOE. I will not be taking any questions”, and promptly left.

Since the left wing of Syriza finally broke away from the party to form Popular Unity, Greek affairs have grown more complex still. Thankfully, the KKE came to the rescue: Dimitris Koutsoumpas, General Secretary of the Central Committee, spoke at a press conference, referencing Ancient Greek philosophy: “We Greeks invented dialectics and so we understand it better than anyone. We are the most dialectical, on racial grounds.” He quoted Heraclitus’s famous dictum that “you cannot step twice into the same river” and added, that “unfortunately, too many Greeks today have been de-Hellenised by EU colonialism and are thus too stupid to understand that. These are the ones who will vote for Popular Unity.” When our reporter at the press conference noted that Heraclitus’s saying may indicate almost the exact opposite conclusion to the one proposed by Koutsoumpas, he responded: “Well, that’s just more proof that you cannot trust petty bourgeois individualist enemies of the people like Heraclitus.”

However, as the average Greek on the street will readily tell you, the KKE’s unparallelled insights put them head and shoulders above all political competition, and they needn’t stoop to “pointless discussion of such moronic concepts as philosophy”. To shed light on the latest confusion. Koutsoumpas declared that the party will release a scale of “different forms and levels of deceitful and obfuscationist anti-people factions.” This scale is supposed to provide the party and the people which it so self-evidently leads orientation in these dark times. “It’s actually quite simple,” Koutsoumpas explained, “everyone but us is an enemy of the people. Syriza and now Popular Unity are just the ‘left’ reserve of the system. There is no difference between any of them, they just dress up in different clothes.” Asked how the people could make use of this scale, he responded: “If you’re curious about a given faction of the Greek left outside of KKE, check our scale, and you’ll see that they are indeed enemies of the people. They just differ in degree of deception of the people. Being on the scale makes something true, so we put true things on the scale.”

“There’s your goddamned dialectics.”

Asked how the KKE intended to concretely engage the current dynamics, Koutsoumpas was visibly stunned. “Isn’t that obvious? We have to strengthen our movement and in order to do that we will form anti-monopolistic and pro-people alliances. We will soon release a catalogue of criteria of political positions that qualify for such an alliance. It is a little bit more complicated than the scale I told you about before.”

After repeated attempts by reporters to glean some cursory summary of what kind of criteria the KKE was looking for, Koutsoumpas gave in and stated: “Alright, if you must know, I can say this much: It would be really helpful if everyone seeking an alliance with us agrees with our party line on every major issue, including our predetermined role as sole saviours of the Greek nation. This is because our party line is quite simply correct on every major issue. And, you know, it’s like Marx said: Die Partei, die Partei, die hat immer recht.” He concluded the press conference by taking a shoe that he had kept on the table throughout the press conference and placing it on his bare foot, thus demonstrating his absolute lack of revisionism.