Worker’s Spatula Readers to Spend May 1st Indoors


EAST LONDON, SOUTH AFRICA – Reports are flooding in from locations as diverse as Melbourne and Dublin that the vast majority of Worker’s Spatula readers intend to not leave the house on May 1st, better known as International Workers’ Day, or as it is popularly known in Turkish: Kızıl Kandil.

Estimates have it that 65% of Worker’s Spatula readers laughed at the ICFI’s intention to host an “online rally” for May Day despite themselves having no intentions to attend any rally in real life or even online.

72% of Worker’s Spatula readers are expected to make twice as many memes involving dead anti-revisionists than on an average day, but also twice as many memes as they intend to interact with members of the proletariat, the all-the-way revolutionary class they theoretically intend to lead to victory some day.

28% of Worker’s Spatula readers will make another attempt at learning the Internationale in their own language, or a folk song in Russian, 100% of which will be unsuccessful.

Fully 8% of Worker’s Spatula readers will actually attend a march at all, of whom 25% are expected to spend more time on their smart phones than yelling slogans or doing any other actual red business.

None of Worker’s Spatula’s US readers belong to an organisation that can take part at all, and not just because the ROL doesn’t admit it has any members and doesn’t do anything publicly under its own name.

100% of Turkish readers are expected to march even though it’s borderline illegal and quite dangerous, and yet you’re still reading this.