ISIS Unites with ISO in Struggle against Fascism

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RAQQAH, SYRIA – In what could well be the tipping of the scales in the revolutionary struggle against Assad’s offensively non-Sunni regime, the most repressive in the Arab world according to all non-tankies, self-styled “Caliph of the Islamic State”, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has revealed the existence of long-running negotiations with the ISO, and that these negotiations have resulted in a decision to unite into a single organisation.

“The Islamic State is no more! We are now the International Islamic Socialist State of Iraq and Syria: the IISSIS!” announced Joseph al-Combined and Uneven, the former ISO’s delegate to Raqqah and now “Emir of Lebanon”, sporting an impressive beard which apparently dates back to his ISO organising days in Brooklyn, when he lived in the hipster part of Williamsburg but attempted to organise in the Hispanic part of Williamsburg.

“This is the natural conclusion of our heroic, on-the-ground role in the Syrian Revolution®, which erupted in March 2011 after Bashar ‘Stalin’ al-Assad personally gunned down a million Syrians and their mothers twice for no reason. Stalinism, as exemplified by Bashar al-Assad, is the primary contradiction in Syria, and is known by all the Syrians I’ve spoken to here in Raqqah to be the primary contradiction, not only in Syria, but in the world! Therefore, it is only right that we join a united front with all progressive forces in Syria, except those nationalist Kurds, and through this united front we have convinced the Syrian people to accept our correct line. Suck on that, Worker’s World!”

The “Syrian Revolution” has been denounced by the usual gang of National Bolsheviks who throughout history have supported dead-end petty bourgeois leaders like Ho Chi Minh and Thomas Sankara, and today ignore the real and really revolutionary revolutions in Ukraine and Syria. However, these elements only make up the majority in stupid poor countries. They are outnumbered in countries where, thanks to the full and proper development of the proletariat, the contradictions are at their sharpest, such as Britain or France. These bloodthirsty Assad-worshippers have made up stories of sectarian attacks on Alawites, despite all available evidence pointing to only the most powerful, well-funded and numerically significant elements of the Arab opposition holding explicitly anti-Alawite views.

“Our statisticians on the ground in Beirut report that fewer than 100% of active militias fighting Assad demand a Sunni theocracy built on the mass murder of all Alawites is a desirable goal,” reported Haydar Abdurrahim, an analyst working in London for a Qatari-funded Human Rights organisation. “So really, there’s nothing to worry about.”

Rebecca al-Fa’s, an IISSIS comrade from Boston, agreed: “Every day the reality of the Syrian Revolution becomes more clear to the entire world, except for tankies, that is to say, those to whom the reality is not clear.”

“The Islamic State’s conversion to revolutionary socialism is living proof that petty bourgeois white Anglo university students in imperialist countries armed with our encyclopedic knowledge of our own overpriced pamphlets, and knowledge of exactly one regional language if you count English, can win over even the most stubborn reactionaries. When we spoke to grassroots ISIS activists over Skype about the unity declaration, it became clear that the move towards radical progressive politics was driven from below as a direct result of ISO activists winning over rank-and-file jihadists to the shining path of socialism, eventually compelling the petty bourgeois leadership to submit to the masses.”

“Furthermore, notice that despite all their support, the Spartacist League could never totally convince ISIS. That’s because they support North Korea. Hatred of North Korea is the key to the masses. Remember this and do not forget.”

“Naturally we still believe it is our duty to cleanse all Muslim lands of filthy infidels, whose blood and women are halal for us,” said activist aid worker “Muawiyah Al Tunisi”. “One day, after I had performed my daily quota of beheadings, I was approached by a young man from America who asked if I’d like to buy a magazine. He told me I was being exploited by my bosses who generated surplus value from all my beheadings, so we created workers councils to distribute the head-chopping work evenly,” said the young activist who was oppressed for decades by Assad’s diabolical regime, despite being a Tunisian national who arrived in Syria for the first time in 2012.

“Whenever ISIS activists would talk about wanting to slaughter the Alawites, Christians, and Druze, this is because they represent the oppressed Sunni masses who suffered for decades under a sectarian Alawite regime that forced them to believe that Syrians from all sects are equal,” explained Rebecca al-Fa’s.

“Oh the daily oppression!” lamented “Abu Omar al-Uthman”, a Syrian activist who returned in 2012 after living in exile for two decades, “my family owned half the land in Hama before the Baathist kuffar took over,” he said, wiping away his tears with wads of Saudi banknotes that kept falling out of his pockets, “they took most of it away in the name of this ‘land reform’ nonsense…”

“We explained to him that what he suffered under wasn’t real socialism but state capitalism – his eyes lit up and he signed our membership form straight away. Endless appeals to a fantasy socialism as the solution to all worldly problems has a shocking appeal among religious fanatics. Plus, as ISIS argues against Islamism in one country, similarly, we oppose socialism in one country. We both advocate chaos in the name of radical change, regardless of the objective consequences, so long as the result benefits US foreign policy. These common theoretical views laid the foundation for our now-realised unity in practice!”

Asked about plans for the future, Rebecca al-Fa’s was optimistic: “Given how incredibly progressive, moderate, and secular the FSA is, we’re sure they’re going to unite with us next! Revolution forever!”

News in Brief: October 1st 2015

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DAMASCUS – The “Free Syrian Army” is still a powerful, unified, independent, secular, democratic revolutionary institution that all Marxists should support, “or else they are agents of Putin”, stated a press release by People’s Liberation Faction, a three-person Trotskyist sect embedded deep within the fighting whose only contact with the outside world appears to be Swiss blogger Joseph Daher. “The Kurds need to stop acting like the Arab forces on the ground are divided between Assad and jihadists, because that’s not fair to all the progressive forces who are going to crush the Nusra Front any day now, just watch.”

CHICAGO – A fierce fight has broken out in a “revolutionary” undergraduate student union about whether or not “we need dialectics”. A well-informed English major insisted it was “mysticism” and that there was “no point” in reading Hegel or Engels on dialectics, as if they themselves had ever attempted to do so.

LONDON – The CPGB-ML continues to insist it is truly revolutionary and the proletariat should not be fooled by Jeremy Corbyn, in spite of the fact that there is no difference between the minimal programmes of Harpal Brar and Jeremy Corbyn. “But we look scarier!” explained a Stalin Society spokesperson in a brief telephone interview with Worker’s Spatula.

HAVANA – Peace talks between the Colombian state and FARC rebels appear to be reaching their conclusion, with FARC agreeing to hand in all their guns in exchange for land reform, amnesty, legal political participation, and “control of Colombia’s legal drug trade.”

LOS ANGELES – At a secret meeting in the Hollywood Hills, representatives of Worker’s Spatula and the Spartacist League met to discuss “the Trot situation”. In spite of disagreement on Trotsky himself, all representatives agreed that 21st century Trotskyism was moving further and further away from its Bolshevik and Leninist roots, descending deeper and deeper into Second Internationalist thinking, exemplified by such ideological abortions as Solidarity. At press time, a Worker’s Spatula representative slid a revolver across the table to her Spartacist League counterpart, saying: “I think we all know what has to be done.”

IST: “Houthis Could Learn a Thing or Two From the FSA”

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SANA’A – While the civil war rages on in Syria, another civil war wages in a much poorer Arab country: Yemen. In keeping with their current strategy of support for NATO/GCC foreign policy except in such cases where elected social democrats are put off, the IST has pledged allegiance to the Hadi-led government.

“Look, if the Houthis didn’t want to get bombed, they shouldn’t have opposed the revolutionary force of Saudi Arabia, who today are bringing democratic revolution to Syria”, read a statement from the ISO in the US.

Their UK sister party, the SWP, agreed: “Yemeni civilians are all tankie bastards for getting support from fascist countries like Eritrea, North Korea… I mean, do I have to spell it out for you? These are poor, non-white, non-English-speaking countries! Inherently counter-revolutionary!”

Our correspondent in Sydney confronted a pro-Hadi march and received this response from a member of “Solidarity”: “Saudi Arabia should kill all the Houthis, they make me sick. I mean, they should learn about real revolution from the FSA: Shoot people dead for being the wrong sect, allow the GCC to directly choose your leadership. That’s how you convince English-speaking revolutionaries like us you’re bringing democracy. But talk to Iran and Russia about anything? That’s fascism, not democracy.”

The Irish SWP praised the “democratic” Hadi-led government for its “revolutionary stance against Assad, the biggest bastard in the whole Arab world”, but added that if Putin started supporting Hadi, they might consider shifting support to the Houthis: “But only if the US says it’s okay.”

Additionally, Turkish IST affiliate DSİP reportedly released their own statement through the magazine Altüst. If only anybody outside of DSİP actually read Altüst, we might know what they said.

The IST’s proclamations did not go unremarked upon by rival Trotskyist groups: “The hypocrisy and lack of any values underlying the strategy of the IST with regard to Yemen is further evidence that they are fake Trotskyists,” read a response statement by the ICL(FI). “That’s why we support Ansar al-Sharia.”

A Yemeni refugee in Athens was willing to speak to our correspondent about foreign leftist views on Yemen: “I’ve never heard of any of these groups. Even if they shared my personal politics, can they actually help me in any way? Do they matter?”

Spartacist League Celebrates September 11th

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While many communist organisations in the United States take September 11th as an opportunity to remind everyone about the CIA-backed coup against Salvador Allende in 1973 in a fruitless effort to make Americans care about history, communism, or foreigners, the US Spartacist League is taking the opportunity to commemorate “the fallen martyrs” who “gave their lives” to carry out an attack “on finance capital and US imperialism”.

“Just as the great Trotskyist Che Guevara called for us to ‘create two, three, many Vietnams’, we call for ‘two, three, many 9/11s”, read a written statement from the party in Workers Vanguard.

“Any time anything happens that looks scary to the bourgeoisie, it’s a good thing.” the statement continued. “For example, if there’s a hurricane, that’s good, because rich people don’t want to die in hurricanes. Long live Marxism-Trotskyism-Robertsonism!”

The declaration has met with fierce hostility from nearly every other leftist organisation in the United States, or as the Spartacist League refer to them, “fake communists”. One rare instance of agreement was the Third Worldist organisation the LLCO, whose public declaration read in part: “On September 11th, we remember with pride this great blow by the revolutionary forces of the Third World against the mighty fortress of the degenerate First World”. However, the LLCO’s lack of any real-world presence precluded anyone who doesn’t spend all day on the internet being offended by their rhetoric, despite their best efforts.

Within the ICL(FI), other sections mostly responded by attempting to one-up the US Spartacist League. The French section Ligue trotskyste de France held a press conference praising Pol Pot as an exemplar of their political line. When rival Trotskyist groups pointed out that “surely Pol Pot was some manner of Maoist, if anything,” a Ligue spokesman smiled and responded: “Right, because Che and Gramsci were Trotskyists.”

The Spartacist League of Australia released a statement demanding a “Stalinist” party seize power in Australia and persecute them personally, giving them an opportunity to prove their lack of bourgeois individualism by defending their own imprisonment and possible execution.

The Trotskyist League of Canada/Ligue trotskyste du Canada has not released any statement, but members were seen firebombing a synagogue while screaming “HEIL HITLER!” and “STALIN IST JÜDISCHER DRECK!”

The UK Spartacist League, on the other hand, while refraining from condemning the actions and statements of most other ICL(FI) members, did distance itself from the US Spartacist League’s statement with regard to September 11th, condemning it as “deviationist.”

“Look, we need to reiterate that this was never our position. We don’t support murderous Islamists in adventurist attacks against imperialist powers; we support murderous Islamists building up long-term sustainable organisations which attack innocent poor people in far-away lands. That’s what we call ‘anti-imperialism’.”

Trotskyist Dating Site Launched

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LOS ANGELES – With a limited budget and a busy schedule, the average leftist has great difficulty staying competitive in the dating scene. For Trotskyists, the situation is bleaker still, as the risk of being set up on a date with someone who isn’t a Trotskyist, and is therefore a “Stalinist”, is pretty high.

Los Angeles technical support operator and ISO member Jessica Stone believes her new website, “TrotHotSpot”, could provide physical and emotional companionship for thousands of Trotskyists around the world.

“I wanted to make sure it was properly inclusive, so we have write-in slots for gender and sexuality, with a pretty extensive list of pronouns other users will see when you message them. I also wanted to make sure all the various Trotskyist tendencies were included, except the Pabloites. Pabloites will be pur… er, I mean… expelled from the site.”

Over the course of a mere 48 hours, over 10,000 confirmed accounts have been registered, representing the spectrum of  Trotskyism from Solidarity (US) to ICL(FI), better known as “the Sparts.”

“Yeah, we try to keep the Sparts well behaved.” Stone told us. “We expel them from the site if they send more than 10 accusations of being a “fake Marxist” to a single user in the space of five minutes.”

“So yeah, we’ve expelled almost every single Spart who’s joined the site so far.”

Concerns are already surfacing about unethical use of the site. A Chicago user named “TrotThot” has reportedly been offering sexual favours in return for newspaper sales. A sample message reads, in part: “I’ll do anything non-penetrative in exchange for a paper sale, anything penetrative is gonna cost you a subscription.”

Further, users on the 8chan board /leftypol/, a known Hoxhaite breeding ground, have been openly discussing plans to hack the site’s database to retrieve the personal information of users whose profile pictures suspiciously resemble the visages of Bob Avakian and Jason Unruhe. Stone responded:

“I completely understand these concerns. I mean, even for Bob Avakian or Jason Unruhe, it would be pretty embarrassing for everyone to find out that you talk to Trotskyists. We are working around the clock to heighten site security. We want security concerns for our users to be as low as those of actual Trotskyist parties in the United States.”

But the popularity of the site is so explosive that /leftypol/’s hacking efforts may be redundant. Communist Party of Canada (Marxist-Leninist) president Sandra L. Smith publicly admitted to having registered an account.

“Yeah, I’m a dominatrix, and while I have a very satisfying sex life within the Montréal S&M scene, it’s hard to find someone who wants to sub as my ice axe attack victim. I’m hoping through this site I can find someone.”

With Marxist-Leninists joining the site, it’s no surprise that famous Trotskyists would as well: Seattle City Council member Kshama Sawant reports already having found love on the site, having been matched with her own duplicate account. A wedding is to take place before the next Seattle City Council election. “I love myself very much, and you should love me too”, she informed Worker’s Spatula, when asked for comment.

Asked if he had any plans to join the site, MLPD Leader and winner of the “Best Dressed” award at his high school prom for three consecutive years Stefan Engel responded: “What do I need a dating site for? Haven’t you seen my homepage?”

Spartacist League Forms Syrian Battalion in Support of ISIS

ispartRAQQAH, SYRIA – Marking the first time since the Bolivian National Revolution that Trotskyists have rallied in armed defence of their values, members of the Spartacist League of Britain have travelled to “the Caliphate” in order to defend ISIS from “imperialism”.

The formation of the so-called “Hammer Battalion” follows an announcement earlier this week of Spartacist League support for ISIS military victory.

“I can’t wait to have a chance to go to the slave market, I’m going to buy a 10-year-old Yazidi girl. They’re imperialist stooges”, explained “Abu-Bakr al-Permanenti”.

His comrade, “Haydar al-Fourthinterationali”, was selling newspapers on a Raqqah street corner when he agreed to speak with us about the experience thus-far.

“We’ve been having some trouble with ISIS’s line on North Korea, but mostly we’re in agreement. We both hate the Soviet Union and the US with a rage that could be characterised as ‘blinding’, we both believe in some perfect worldwide moment of enormous change that many others from similar backgrounds characterise as ‘fanatical’, and of course, we both enjoy raping small children.”

“Muhammad al-Britani”, another UK volunteer who directly joined ISIS last year to take part in the fight against the PYD and Assad, a clear-cut anti-imperialist struggle if ever there was one, discussed the integration of the new Trotskyist battalion.

“We’re actually learning a lot from them. They told us all about how they agree Stalin was a senseless murderer, and about Kronstadt”, reported “al-Britani”, declaring his “new-found respect for the Jewish infidel, Trotsky”.

However, a senior ISIS source has hinted that not everyone in the movement is supportive of the group’s actions: “They spend more time condemning others for not being ISIS enough than actually fighting. Three of our best men were killed last month in a fight over whether the Soviet Union was a ‘deformed’ or ‘degenerated’ worker’s state.”

Responding to the widespread belief among the UK Left that the usually provocative Spartacist League had gone altogether too far this time, battalion leader “Uthman bin Stephen” had this to say: “ISIS is fighting US imperialism, the greatest threat to the people of Syria, including the Kurds who they are bent on destroying. The PYD, on the other hand, have always been under Washington’s command, and that’s why Washington rewarded them with control of Northern Iraq after the 2003 invasion.”

An attempt at correction was rebuffed: “Oh that’s the KDP? Look, a Kurd’s a Kurd. You ever see a Kurd fighting Israel? Didn’t think so. Even if it’s just taking some guns, their objective role is clear, expanding US power and influence, same as Assad.”

“Oh, Assad’s with Russia? Well, they should stop fighting him.”

Losing patience, our driver pointed out that ISIS was fighting Assad, and the PYD had declared their willingness to work with Assad under the right conditions, and had been in touch with Moscow. “Bin Stephen” was unmoved.

“Look, the point is, this is quite edgy shit. I’ve really pissed off my Labour-voting relatives with this. I’m not gonna go supporting some left-wing national liberation movement allied with communists in Turkey fighting Islamists, because that might actually cause British people who don’t burn US flags in their free time to feel sympathy for socialism.”

A joint response was issued by the MLKP, the MKP, and the TKP/ML: “As anti-revisionists from Turkey/North Kurdistan, we’ve never actually had to speak to a Trotskyite in real life. We finally understand why we’re supposed to hate them now.”

Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr Declares People’s War on CPBG-ML, Chaos Ensues

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CARDIFF – Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr, a small Maoist group based in Wales, advocating Welsh national liberation and socialism, today began their long-promised “anti-colonial struggle” with a bombing of a CPBG-ML march in Cardiff, itself directed against South Korean aggression against the DPRK.

Three were killed and eleven injured.

Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr released a statement within an hour of the bombing, claiming responsibility and confirming CPGB-ML as their intended target, chosen for their “Brezhnevite deformation of Maoist theory” and their “denial of the existence of a Welsh nation”.

Harpal Brar, chairman of the CPGB-ML, promptly responded by labelling Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr “South Korean agents”, “bourgeois Welsh nationalists”, and “worst of all, just generally Welsh.”

In response to the bombing, the Spartacist League of Britain staged a demonstration in support of the CPGB(ML), declaring them victims of “imperialist aggression against the deformed worker’s state in North Korea.”

Known cunt David Aaronovitch immediately responded by calling on Jeremy Corbyn to issue condemnations of Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr and the Spartacist League, alleging that Corbyn possessed “worrying” connections to both: The Spartacist League had sold newspapers outside a Palestinian Solidarity Campaign event where Corbyn was speaking, while Corbyn’s connection to Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr was alleged on the grounds that “if Corbyn supports the IRA, surely he supports Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr.”

“And they’re all anti-Semites”, added Aaronovitch.

Corbyn promptly responded by accusing both Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr and CPGB-ML of “Maoist revisionism” and “collaboration with imperialism”, and ordering defence drills to be carried out in the Islington bunkers.

George Galloway, who was intercepted by one of our correspondents as he was returning from an important cigar-buying errand, praised Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr for “irritating the Zionist stooge Aaronovitch”, but reiterated that he, like CPGB-ML, considers the Welsh “annoying and stupid, no matter what they do.”