RAQQAH, SYRIA – In what could well be the tipping of the scales in the revolutionary struggle against Assad’s offensively non-Sunni regime, the most repressive in the Arab world according to all non-tankies, self-styled “Caliph of the Islamic State”, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has revealed the existence of long-running negotiations with the ISO, and that these negotiations have resulted in a decision to unite into a single organisation.
“The Islamic State is no more! We are now the International Islamic Socialist State of Iraq and Syria: the IISSIS!” announced Joseph al-Combined and Uneven, the former ISO’s delegate to Raqqah and now “Emir of Lebanon”, sporting an impressive beard which apparently dates back to his ISO organising days in Brooklyn, when he lived in the hipster part of Williamsburg but attempted to organise in the Hispanic part of Williamsburg.
“This is the natural conclusion of our heroic, on-the-ground role in the Syrian Revolution®, which erupted in March 2011 after Bashar ‘Stalin’ al-Assad personally gunned down a million Syrians and their mothers twice for no reason. Stalinism, as exemplified by Bashar al-Assad, is the primary contradiction in Syria, and is known by all the Syrians I’ve spoken to here in Raqqah to be the primary contradiction, not only in Syria, but in the world! Therefore, it is only right that we join a united front with all progressive forces in Syria, except those nationalist Kurds, and through this united front we have convinced the Syrian people to accept our correct line. Suck on that, Worker’s World!”
The “Syrian Revolution” has been denounced by the usual gang of National Bolsheviks who throughout history have supported dead-end petty bourgeois leaders like Ho Chi Minh and Thomas Sankara, and today ignore the real and really revolutionary revolutions in Ukraine and Syria. However, these elements only make up the majority in stupid poor countries. They are outnumbered in countries where, thanks to the full and proper development of the proletariat, the contradictions are at their sharpest, such as Britain or France. These bloodthirsty Assad-worshippers have made up stories of sectarian attacks on Alawites, despite all available evidence pointing to only the most powerful, well-funded and numerically significant elements of the Arab opposition holding explicitly anti-Alawite views.
“Our statisticians on the ground in Beirut report that fewer than 100% of active militias fighting Assad demand a Sunni theocracy built on the mass murder of all Alawites is a desirable goal,” reported Haydar Abdurrahim, an analyst working in London for a Qatari-funded Human Rights organisation. “So really, there’s nothing to worry about.”
Rebecca al-Fa’s, an IISSIS comrade from Boston, agreed: “Every day the reality of the Syrian Revolution becomes more clear to the entire world, except for tankies, that is to say, those to whom the reality is not clear.”
“The Islamic State’s conversion to revolutionary socialism is living proof that petty bourgeois white Anglo university students in imperialist countries armed with our encyclopedic knowledge of our own overpriced pamphlets, and knowledge of exactly one regional language if you count English, can win over even the most stubborn reactionaries. When we spoke to grassroots ISIS activists over Skype about the unity declaration, it became clear that the move towards radical progressive politics was driven from below as a direct result of ISO activists winning over rank-and-file jihadists to the shining path of socialism, eventually compelling the petty bourgeois leadership to submit to the masses.”
“Furthermore, notice that despite all their support, the Spartacist League could never totally convince ISIS. That’s because they support North Korea. Hatred of North Korea is the key to the masses. Remember this and do not forget.”
“Naturally we still believe it is our duty to cleanse all Muslim lands of filthy infidels, whose blood and women are halal for us,” said activist aid worker “Muawiyah Al Tunisi”. “One day, after I had performed my daily quota of beheadings, I was approached by a young man from America who asked if I’d like to buy a magazine. He told me I was being exploited by my bosses who generated surplus value from all my beheadings, so we created workers councils to distribute the head-chopping work evenly,” said the young activist who was oppressed for decades by Assad’s diabolical regime, despite being a Tunisian national who arrived in Syria for the first time in 2012.
“Whenever ISIS activists would talk about wanting to slaughter the Alawites, Christians, and Druze, this is because they represent the oppressed Sunni masses who suffered for decades under a sectarian Alawite regime that forced them to believe that Syrians from all sects are equal,” explained Rebecca al-Fa’s.
“Oh the daily oppression!” lamented “Abu Omar al-Uthman”, a Syrian activist who returned in 2012 after living in exile for two decades, “my family owned half the land in Hama before the Baathist kuffar took over,” he said, wiping away his tears with wads of Saudi banknotes that kept falling out of his pockets, “they took most of it away in the name of this ‘land reform’ nonsense…”
“We explained to him that what he suffered under wasn’t real socialism but state capitalism – his eyes lit up and he signed our membership form straight away. Endless appeals to a fantasy socialism as the solution to all worldly problems has a shocking appeal among religious fanatics. Plus, as ISIS argues against Islamism in one country, similarly, we oppose socialism in one country. We both advocate chaos in the name of radical change, regardless of the objective consequences, so long as the result benefits US foreign policy. These common theoretical views laid the foundation for our now-realised unity in practice!”
Asked about plans for the future, Rebecca al-Fa’s was optimistic: “Given how incredibly progressive, moderate, and secular the FSA is, we’re sure they’re going to unite with us next! Revolution forever!”