Che Guevara T-Shirt Worn Ironically Ironically Ironically

Che

BUENOS AIRES – Tomás Loggia, medical student at the Universidad de Buenos Aires, recently returned from a trip to Uruguay sporting a Che Guevara t-shirt, on several levels of irony still being calculated by friends and family.

Loggia, who is indeed a Marxist, though not affiliated with the best Marxist organisation in Argentina, the PCR, had purchased the t-shirt with at least three levels of irony in mind:

“I saw a young man in Cordón wearing a Che Guevara shirt, and he looked like such a terrible bourgeois hipster, and I thought, he must be doing it ironically. How funny would it be if I were to buy such a shirt and wear it myself, as a Marxist, making fun of non-Marxists wearing Che Guevara shirts, especially those bourgeois hipsters who are only doing it ironically. And ironically, I’m also bourgeois by class background, and doing a kind of ironic hipster thing, but ironically, I’m a Marxist, but appropriating… I mean… do you see what I did there?”

Loggia’s girlfriend, one Ms. Sofía Bergman, considered it fairly ironic that Loggia thinks anyone would appreciate any levels of irony in his shirt distinct from the level on which Loggia understood the Montevidean hipster’s fashion choice.

“Maybe that’s it?” she offered desperately, “Maybe he’s ironically ironically wearing this ironic t-shirt because he knows no one will appreciate the irony?”

Loggia’s younger brother Sergio pointed out that like the famous revolutionary, his elder brother is studying medicine at UBA, “but is that ironic? Or just a coincidence?”

On a related note, Loggia’s childhood friend Juan Romero [editorial note: no relation] spent about an hour trying to calculate if the t-shirt’s irony will increase, decrease, or remain the same depending on whether Loggia completes his studies and becomes a bourgeois doctor. At time of press, Romero was reading about motor scooters on Wikipedia following a series of Wikipedia tangents.

Others have noted additional levels of irony: Loggia’s maternal aunt noted the irony of her nephew’s ironic purchase as a communist, not because of that stupid misconception that communists purchasing things is somehow “ironic”, but because Loggia is advertising a non-existent guerrilla affiliation as a joke in public in the same city where her first lover was disappeared by the Argentine state on suspicion of working closely with the ERP at a time when Marxists took great care to conceal even the faintest hint of their views and affiliations.

His body has not been recovered to this day.

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Frente de Izquierda Caught Buying Argentine Trotskyism

FdeI

BUENOS AIRES – Following news that Jacobin have been buying followers for their publication through online identity theft, related sections of the international Marxist left are being exposed for these same duplicitous dealings.

“Everyone knows that we in El Militante have the finest of Trotskyisms, with the most brutal analysis and the best international connections,” explained Dario Romano, a local representative of the IMT affiliate in Buenos Aires. “How could anyone pass by our top quality Marxist publication and settle for the petty bourgeois opportunism of el Frente de Izquierda, much less in the apparently large numbers which they are? Only one possible explanation exists: Jacobin are buying them followers.”

The accusation, as shocking as it seemed, was not spurious. The IMT representative produced pages of transcripts of interviews with non-Marxist Argentines who couldn’t even identify which kind of Marxist was angry about which international and why:

“I woke up this morning and found all these posts by el FIT in my Facebook timeline,” explained one bank teller from Córdoba in the transcript our local correspondent read: “I couldn’t figure out why at all. I don’t particularly care about politics, and I don’t come from an especially left-wing family. It looks like I got added by an algorithm because of a post I wrote complaining about banking bureaucracy at my job. You can’t complain about that without mentioning ‘banks’ and ‘bureaucrats’ about a dozen times each, and apparently those are words that Trotskyites use a lot?”

Even quite explicitly right-wing individuals were found to have been remotely linked into el FIT’s social media presence due to their own peripherally related activity:

“I liked a page named ‘Venezuela is a Fascist State’, and next thing I know I’m getting updates and e-mails from el FIT,” complained one reactionary from Neuquén: “Trotkyites, Maoists, Chavists, I don’t care what kind of Castroist you are, just go back to Bolivia where you came from.”

“You see what I mean?” explained Romano to our local correspondent, “There’s simply no way these traitors to the Fourth International deserve their apparent popularity. People should love El Militante. We are like a fine Malbec of Trotskyism that even a Stalinist like yourself can appreciate once in a while, whereas el FIT are some cheap box wine that Macri is trying to get people liquored up on, I’m not sure, it’s not a perfect analogy, but this is some bullshit.”

“No question,” agreed our correspondent, “We’ll be sure to report to the outside world that el FIT is not as popular as people think, and that the real tribune of the Argentine masses is el Partido del Trabajo y del Pueblo.”

“Whatever, as long as Jacobin is exposed,” sighed Romano. “Would you like to buy a copy of El Militante?”

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Real MLs to Spend International Working Women’s Day Mocking YPJ

MakeAnimeReal

QENDÎL – While the revisionist pseudo-revolutionaries of the MLKP, THKP-C/MLSPB, DKP, and MKP continue selling out the revolution by arming Kurdish women against some of the most nakedly reactionary forces in the region, a few individual heroes see through this Narodnik nonsense.

Of course, we speak of Twitter MLs, the real face of organised Marxism-Leninism in the world today. Their tireless work to expose the struggle as being one free of internal contradictions, and one based entirely on uncritically cheerleading the patriarchal, bourgeois status quo supported by rival imperialist powers so as to distance themselves from Trotskyists who cheerlead their “own” imperialism, has cost them many martyrs, who we at Worker’s Spatula would like to take a moment to mourn.

[ONE MINUTE OF SILENCE FOR THE MARTYRS OF ASSADISTS IN ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRIES]

The prison cells of the UK and the US are filled with the party-less forces of FDCK Twitter. And yet these brave strugglers refuse to be cowed by the CIA-backed propaganda of TİKB and TKP/ML. On March 8th, they plan to emerge into the streets of every major city where English is spoken from Vancouver to Melbourne, to mock women guerrillas whose leaders rot in other NATO prisons. We spoke with some of the representatives of their movement:

“The YPJ are all fucking whores. I hope they get raped,” said @TankieWaifuLuvr.

“Ivana Hoffmann is an idpol martyr to nothing,” concurred @ChinaIzSocialist. “The MLKP are CIA proxies, and Assad is more of a socialist than all these weird Turkish parties put together.”

“If I was part of a communist party, we would include denial of the existence of a Kurdish nation in the points of unity. It’s very clear if you read Stalin that the Kurds aren’t a nation,” insisted @ThreeWorldsTheory. “I really wish I could form such a party, but the US is too repressive for us to ever organise. In Turkey people are freer, Doğu Perinçek is able to organise against NATO and US imperialism as we never could here.”

In response, Trotskyists in those same countries will be marching against this “Stalinist” threat by waving the flags of the women’s brigades of the FSA.

Despite all this talk of Syria and Kurdistan, only one group of English-speaking leftists of any significant size seems to have actually travelled to the region to investigate: the anarchists.

“We’re here in solidarity with the most powerful anarchist movement in the world, the PKK, to learn more about anarchism in practice,” explained Heval Jacob, referring to the PKK in terms it has never once referred to itself. “Our delegation is proud to stand here with the Kurdish anarchist movement while all the fucking Stalinists waste their time, doing whatever it is they do,” he said, referring to a party that actual Kurdish anarchists refer to as “Stalinist”.

“Could the Marxists ever be so revolutionary as this woman?” asked Heval Vince, pointing at a woman patrolling nearby who, unbeknownst to him, was a member of the MLKP. “No, they’re nothing without their precious fucking tanks, goddamn statists.”

“Real revolution is happening now, these Kurds get that you can’t be a revolutionary while endorsing dictators like that,” laughed Heval Jacob, pointing mockingly at the MELS pin on our correspondent’s jacket. “That’s what people like you will never understand. No gods, no masters, man.”

As of press time, the anarchists had been ejected from Qendîl for various offences against PKK discipline, ranging from drug use to preaching “patriarchal polygamism”, an offence to the sex-negative teachings and wisdom of “our heroic leader, Öcalan”.

Oscar Temaru Announces Candidacy for President of France

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FA’A’Ā, FRENCH POLYNESIA – After months of meetings secrètes avec les représentants de l’ICOR et de la CIPOML (maoïste) organiséd par le staff éditorial du Travailleur’s Spatule, le candidat whom we all know that France both needs and deserves has annonced himself before le monde: Oscar Temaru will be seeking le office du Président de la République française, running sur une plate-forme de contrôles d’immigration reinforcéd sur les blancs.

Speaking before a crowd composéd principalement de communistes et d’autres leftistes too hard for the fucking Parti de Gauche, Temaru a expliquéd ses plans pour sa présidencé: «Depuis trop longtemps, our borders have been flooded with white trash, thinking that they can just come in and just localise themselves without consulting the will of the people, and it’s got to stop. Nous, les polynésiens, sommes des peuples raisonnables, and we tried, I personally tried as président de la Polynésie, de proposer des changements raisonnables à la loi qui permettrait à notre peuple de vivre dans le comfort, mais le système colonial imposéd par le métropole ne permet pas de changements réels de la part de peuples subjects comme le nôtre.»

«As Président de la République française, je défendrai l’intégrité culturelle de toute la France contre la tide de l’immigration non-contrôléd. I have no intention to discriminate against white people. Le problème avec le régime current est que les blancs sont accordéd une licence spéciale to behave however they like, with no regard for les normes culturelles polynésiennes. Tous les nouveaux immigrants blancs à la France et à l’un de ses départements et territoires d’overseas must démonstrer leur capacité d’assimilation à la culture polynésienne.»

“Just to clarify,” asked incoming MLPD chair Gabi Gärtner, sporting a multicoloured lei around her neck, “Your plan is to solve the colonisation of Polynesia and racism in France by imposing Polynesian culture on the French metropol?”

“Yes,” responded Temaru.

“An extremely dialectical and elegant solution!” gushed Gärtner, who led the MLPD delegation in two minutes of sustained applause.

OCML-PV cadres have résponded immédiatement à l’annonce avec une campagne de graffitis around Paris: «VOTEZ TEMARU!» lire les graffitis, «VOUS ÊTES EN POLYNÉSIE, PARLEZ LES LANGUES POLYNESIENNES!»

Pour leur part, le PCOF, le parti local affiliéd de la CIPOML (hoxhaïste), a rejectéd cette campagne polynésienne as «insuffisamment danque et edgée», proposing instead that the goal should instead be to marcher sur Rome en concert avec their «Carthaginian sister parties» (de Maroc et de Tunisie).

Back in Fa’a’ā, local millionaire Lucas de Chevron Villette reacted to the scene of communists marching about with pictures of Temaru, declaiming their intention to rid France of white culture, with shock:

«Je ne reconnais plus ma France, je pense sérieusement à voter pour Le Pen.»

«Je ne suis pas raciste, mais…»

TKP/ML Doing Pretty Good, Report Other Groups in Turkey

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İSTANBUL/STEMBOL – An informal survey of various communists in Istanbul confirms that TKP/ML, the illegal Marxist-Leninist and/or Maoist party founded by İbrahim Kaypakkaya (following a split with Doğu Perinçek for being just the worst kind of revisionist) is “not doing half-bad lately, actually”.

“I don’t just mean that compared to the arch-sectarian RIM cultists in MKP, either,” said a representative of the DKP, speaking on condition of mentioning how fashionable his trainers looked. “They’re genuinely making good moves in Istanbul lately. Despite their wacky ‘People’s War’ in Dersim making them look like they’re still all kırdan şehre, I guess they are actually trying to reestablish relevance among the urban proletariat.

“Good for them” he concluded.

“The new songs are quite good, much better than ours,” confessed a representative of the MLKP, speaking through her Circassian-Turkish interpreter. “Not that it matters, since we can listen to anything the Kurds put out, but I’ll listen to that one about the homeland being a sea of blood. Goddamn Maoists know how to sing a tune, you know?”

Even cadres from the Marxist-Leninist-Lukácsist party TÖPG were complimentary: “If I was going to join an illegal party, it wouldn’t be my first choice,” said Fatma Kübra, one of their top cadres in Hatay. “But it also wouldn’t be my last choice? İbo was certainly more handsome than Deniz and Mahir. If I had to be waving around some dead man’s face for the rest of my life, I’d prefer it was him.”

“But Mao was quite ugly,” she added. “So that’s a minus. This is but one of many reasons why our party-initiative doesn’t have a bunch of dead men’s faces on flags.”

Not all Turkish communists agreed that the partisan forces of Comrade İbo were on the right track again. One of Worker’s Spatula’s own central committee members and proper EMEP man if ever there was one, [REDACTED], insisted that those elements impressed by the worker-peasant army were “betraying their petty bourgeois mentality” through their “fetishisation” of “this narodnik cult”.

DSİP cadres were similarly dismissive: “I don’t see how anyone can respect parties like that that hide behind the successes of an allied left group, in this case the Kurdish movement,” explained one “Levent Saygun”. “Unrelated, if you’re off to London, can you tell Callinicos his cheque was late again?”

Stefan Engel, who has been too busy with organisational details of this year’s ICOR Oktoberfest celebration in Bezirk Suhl, did finally pick up his phone to give his feedback on TKP/ML’s progress: “You know I’ve always liked them, I’ve always had faith they would do well in terms of… just a second… ARE THOSE SAUSAGES HALAL?… Yes, sorry. The issue is, they won’t join ICOR. I invited them, trust me. I invite them once a year. But they won’t join unless we explicitly take the line of Mao over Hoxha, which… I’m with the Kurds on this, in Turkey, you want to be on good terms with Hoxhaists.”

UPDATE: They fucked it all up again.

Is Donald Trump a Russian Agent?

Trumping

WORKER’S SPATULA FIELD OFFICE, TONDO, MANILA – Worker’s Spatula regrets having to waste valuable time that may be spent on our unity-struggle-unity with the National Democratic Front – Philippines. However, it has come to our attention that many conspiracy theories are floating about as to the mysterious hands behind the Donald Trump campaign.

As Marxists, we all know that individual action cannot sustain itself in politics. All meaningful political behaviour must reflect coalitions of forces which reflect concrete class interests. Donald Trump is not running his campaign in the interest of “America” (meaning the entirety of “the people” of the United States) as he claims. Rather he represents an alliance of the petty bourgeoisie of the oppressor nation with the multi-national proletariat of the United States, represented by the bulk of the work for the Trump campaign behind the scenes being carried out by the tireless operatives of Worker’s Spatula.

For those who claim that Russia is behind the Trump campaign, we ask you to seriously consider: How could the relatively weak imperialist interests of Russia be reflected at the highest echelons of power in one of the two pro-system parties of the United States? The very idea is laughable. Rather, the entire Trump campaign is more or less controlled by the powerful Marxist-Leninist movement in the United States headed by the brilliant theoretical guidance of a satirical website. If we accept some tactical alliance with Russia in this pursuit, this in no way implies Russian control of the Trump campaign!

To conclude: Donald Trump is not a Russian plant, but a communist one, whose purpose is to expose the rotten system of neoliberal capitalism and accelerate the deepening of its contradictions. Worker’s Spatula calls on all revolutionaries around the world to take up the struggle and support the Donald Trump campaign, or else be relegated to the dustbin of history.

Worker’s Spatula Announces “Pivot to Asia”

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MELBOURNE – Despite loss of communication with the bulk of Worker’s Spatula’s correspondents in the UK since our English comrades went “full Mahir Çayan” in defence of Corbyn against the Blairite scum, and our Welsh comrades decided that now was the time to join Yr Aflonddwch Mawr’s glorious people’s war in the Welsh hills, new Worker’s Spatula recruits have inflated our ranks to the point where we feel confident to directly confront US imperialism on the world stage.

In response to the hated Obama regime’s “pivot to Asia”, Worker’s Spatula is hereby announcing its own “pivot to Asia”, recruiting comrades from Southeast Asian countries to a new two-pronged strategy:

From the north, Worker’s Spatula will continue supporting our comrades in the Philippines in their fight against the Philippine state (backed by US imperialism) and the Trotskyists (backed by Hong Kong imperialism).

However, at the same time, we will attack US imperialism from the south by moving comrades from various countries to Australia and New Zealand. We believe these countries are ripe for anti-imperialist struggle for the following reasons:

-The CPA(ML) upholds the correct line of establishing “New Democracy” in Australia following a war of liberation against the occupying US forces. Together with the massive MLM community built by our comrades at “Communism Will Win in Australia“, we are certain that our increase in Worker’s Spatula comrades on the ground in Australia (that is, one has become two) will hasten a patriotic anti-colonial war which will shake US imperialism to its very foundations.

-New Zealand has the proud and very effectual tradition of the Communist Party of New Zealand, which sided with China in the Sino-Soviet Split, Albania in the Sino-Albanian split, and embraced Trotskyism after the fall of socialist Albania. Unfortunately, the CPNZ and all successor organisations have disbanded*, but we are certain that we can regroup the remnants and unite them with anti-imperialist Māori youth around the correct line of Marxism-Leninism-Maoism-Hoxhaism-Liquidationism and establish socialism in New Zealand very soon.

It is our hope that if victory may be achieved in these countries, the CPA(ML) will be able to direct resources to Cambodia to allow for the reformation and return to power of the Communist Party of Kampuchea, while a socialist New Zealand will be a great victory for the various theoretical trends involved in its construction.

*Just to be clear, we did not in any way exaggerate or fabricate our description of the history of the CPNZ.

Trots to Somehow Fuck This Up Too

FlareFlair

PARIS – In a country with the industrial proletariat which supposedly could’ve saved the Soviet Union from “Stalinism”, where apparently 10% of the country votes for Trotskyists in presidential elections, and labour politics causing large-scale clashes with the police in the streets, Trotskyists will still somehow fail to accomplish one fucking revolution in France, a country with a relatively positive attitude towards the concept of “revolution” in the first place, sources close to Worker’s Spatula report.

“To be fair,” explained our comrade “Saïd”, a student activist and professional cynic, “nobody’s really accomplished any revolutions in a while now. But these are pretty much the only conditions the Trotskyists could ever hope to leverage into victory, so if they fuck this up…”

“Well… nothing I guess. They’re going to fuck this up too, and then they’re going to blame each other, and ‘Stalinism’, of course. And then who’s gonna save us? The OCML-PV?”

“Fuck France”, he concluded.

US Maoists Form Cricket League

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NEW YORK – Representatives of the RCPUSA, the Maoist Communist Group, and the NCP-LC have met and announced the formation of the US Maoist Cricket League as part of their efforts to get the average US proletarian interested in people’s wars in South Asia.

“The average American knows very little about South Asia’s rich and vibrant cultures, and their fierce dedication to communist ideology, which reached new heights in its development under Chairman Mao Zedong, himself a top notch batsman. At his prime, he was probably better than Richard Nixon himself,” stated a representative of the Maoist Communist Group, holding aloft a clearly doctored photograph of Mao taking a swing with a cricket bat.

“Mao Zedong, Chairman of the Sixes.”

The league intends to hold regular limited overs matches every weekend throughout the year in various cities across the country. In addition to the actual match, the US Maoist groups will take turns giving lectures on South Asian Maoist groups they admire or to which they have links. “We won the drawing of lots, so we’ll be going first,” said a representative of the RCPUSA. “It works out great for us because we’re gonna talk about the CCP(Maoist), but we’re just going to talk about them talking about Bob Avakian. New Synthesis, motherfuckers!”

The Revolutionary Organization of Labor, USA has offered “critical support” to the formation of the league: “As is known, we’re not too keen on the Cultural Revolution. The league’s ‘points of unity’, however, include ‘upholding the correct line of Chairman Mao Zedong, architect of the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution, the height of actual communist practice,’ right after a line that just says ‘BOOM BOOM AFRIDI!’.

“It ought to be pretty clear that on those grounds, we simply can’t join as full members. However, it does seem like a good way to reach out to the Afro-Caribbean community, so we do intend to show up and hand out our newsletter outside, and see if we can negotiate a presentation about Indian ICOR members at some point.”

Polls indicate that a vanishingly small minority of US citizens are interested in learning about cricket at all, let alone joining a cricket league run by Maoists. However, immigrants from countries which are full ICC members, and South Asian immigrants in particular, have shown a cautious interest in the inaugural match in Queens.

“The thing is, they’re very bad at playing cricket,” explained Gurdal Singh, a local restaurateur from India’s Punjab province. “Just, truly awful. You would think that they could apply some of what they know of baseball, but no.”

His friend Ahmed Sharif agreed: “It is like watching a sport abortion. I thank God that our people did not emerge from British rule like this, fat and flabby and unable to play cricket.”

Pradhan Joshi, a Nepali shop owner, agreed: “We have a saying in Nepal: Unlucky in cricket, unlucky in people’s war. This lot will never succeed in a people’s war. In Nepal we had years of people’s war, I know what it takes. These Americans are out of shape, they lack discipline. They think they can go up to the mountains for months and years? When I suggested they try a five-day test match next summer one of them told me: ‘fuck that.’”

Reaction from South Asia has been more positive. “In spite of all divisions in the international Maoist movement, in spite of the objective weakness of revolutionaries in the imperialist United States, we take this as a sign of hope for international revolution. If cricket can unite the world, Maoism is surely next!” read a statement by the CPI(Maoist), who have reportedly celebrated the formation of the league by bombing a “bourgeois” cricket stadium.

CWI affiliate Socialist Movement Pakistan agreed: “In spite of our opposition to Maoism and Maoists, we support the news that Americans suddenly care about cricket for any reason, and we believe that more cricket in the United States will strengthen internationalist feelings of solidarity between South Asians and the goras.”

Other Maoist groups around the world have been less positive. A joint statement was released by the TKP/ML and MKP of Turkey/North Kurdistan:

“First of all, nothing with Bob Avakian involved in it can be a good idea. We learnt this the hard way. Secondly, what do you think you’re doing? This isn’t mass line at all. What you’ve done is taken something that you’re engaged in because you’re a Maoist, and tried to present it to the masses to make them Maoists. This is idealist in the extreme. What, would you have us go to Turkish villages with plates of curry and try to make the villagers Maoist that way?”

A representative of the NCP-LC responded: “See, that’s how we can tell they don’t have very good curry in Istanbul. I became a Maoist specifically because curry is so delicious.”

SELF-CRITICISM: The authors were previously unaware that after the split of NCP-LC from NCP(OC), the rump NCP(OC) renamed itself the Maoist Communist Group. A commenter alerted us of this, and the piece has been edited to reflect this reality. We have the Marxist-Leninist weapon of criticism and self-criticism. We can get rid of a bad style and keep the good. 

Worker’s Spatula Endorses Donald Trump

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TRUMP TOWER, NEW YORK – Worker’s Spatula held its first official press conference today at Trump Tower in New York City in order to announce its unconditional support for Republican candidate Donald Trump in the 2016 US Presidential Campaign. Our statement is also reproduced in full below:

We, the editorial staff of Worker’s Spatula, the most revolutionary publication in the world since Pravda under Stalin, would like to announce our unconditional support for Donald Trump – AKA ‘the Donald’ – in his campaign for presidency of the United States of America, the head of global imperialism and the single greatest threat to the international proletariat as a whole. Under the Donald’s guidance, we are confident that America will be a country that we can help reshape and make great. And by ‘make great’, we obviously mean establishing a dictatorship of the proletariat and beginning socialist construction. Donald Trump is the best man to get us there as quickly as possible.

Our analysis of the recent history of the United States has led us to the conclusion that any attempt at getting Americans to support third parties, or to push the Democrats in a left-wing direction, or even to get the Republicans to have a remotely circumspect foreign policy on populist grounds will not merely fail to push the American people towards revolutionary consciousness, but indeed will merely result in greater isolation of left-wing groups pursuing such tactics. On the basis of this conclusion, the only strategy we can think to apply in the US context is one of unabashed accelerationism, and the best man for that job is certainly Donald Trump.

Also, he’s got a corrupted German surname, which makes us all feel a bit closer to him, as we’re all basically corrupted Germans of one sort or another.

Lastly, seeing as the Trotskyites are all opposed to him, he can’t be all bad, right? As there are clearly no questions left unanswered, we will not be taking any. Thank you.

Reactions to our statement have been largely enthusiastic. Armed militants across the globe carried out celebratory attacks on their immediate enemies in order to welcome our statement and intensify their struggle against imperialism. In the Philippines, the New People’s Army stormed and took over a military outpost on the island of Samar, taking down the flag of the Philippines and replacing it with a red flag with a white spatula and sickle on it. A militant identified as “Ka Ernesto” released a short video in front of the flag in which he articulated his hopes that the national-democratic forces would defeat the Philippine government after Trump becomes president of the US:

“We are always in favour of whatever relations of forces strengthen our position and thus Trump is our choice for President of the imperialist United States. Donald, MABUHAY!”

In India, the Naxalites attacked a multinational corporation’s copper mine in the forest near Ghatshila, destroying scores of machines. They refused to give a clear statement on Trump, however, promising on the one hand not to attack Trump Tower in New York, but on the other hand warning Trump that any real estate he might erect in Odisha is a potential target. The EZLN, on the other hand, released a statement embracing Trump as “the gravedigger of US imperialism”, but was reluctant to stage an armed demonstration for undisclosed reasons, presumably related to Trump’s views on Mexicans.

In Turkey/North Kurdistan, TİKKO, the armed wing of the TKP/ML, attacked a police station in Dêrsim with rocket launchers, later publishing a declaration of their certainty that Trump would be on their side against the fascist AKP government. The DHKP-C, for its part, welcomed Worker’s Spatula’s endorsement of Trump by attacking the Trump Towers in Istanbul’s Şişli neighbourhood with a suicide bomber. This act was reportedly done to endorse Trump. Or condemn him. Their members have yet to decide.

Other reactions have been equally enthusiastic. Alexis Tsipras sent Trump a message enquiring about the possibility of a common internationalist platform: “We are both young and attractive men who take great pride in our hair. Varoufakis, who has been stabbing me in the back repeatedly ever since I removed him from his post as the Minister of Finance, takes no pride in his hair. Because he has none.” Sources inside Syriza say that Tsipras regards a deal with Trump as the “trump card” [no pun intended, Tsipras doesn’t know any English, –W.S.] for the crucial upcoming elections: “After Varoufakis and Tsalakatos failed to reach a satisfactory deal with the Germans, the only hope he has left is Trump,” a Tsipras aide informed us.