Real MLs to Spend International Working Women’s Day Mocking YPJ

MakeAnimeReal

QENDÎL – While the revisionist pseudo-revolutionaries of the MLKP, THKP-C/MLSPB, DKP, and MKP continue selling out the revolution by arming Kurdish women against some of the most nakedly reactionary forces in the region, a few individual heroes see through this Narodnik nonsense.

Of course, we speak of Twitter MLs, the real face of organised Marxism-Leninism in the world today. Their tireless work to expose the struggle as being one free of internal contradictions, and one based entirely on uncritically cheerleading the patriarchal, bourgeois status quo supported by rival imperialist powers so as to distance themselves from Trotskyists who cheerlead their “own” imperialism, has cost them many martyrs, who we at Worker’s Spatula would like to take a moment to mourn.

[ONE MINUTE OF SILENCE FOR THE MARTYRS OF ASSADISTS IN ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRIES]

The prison cells of the UK and the US are filled with the party-less forces of FDCK Twitter. And yet these brave strugglers refuse to be cowed by the CIA-backed propaganda of TİKB and TKP/ML. On March 8th, they plan to emerge into the streets of every major city where English is spoken from Vancouver to Melbourne, to mock women guerrillas whose leaders rot in other NATO prisons. We spoke with some of the representatives of their movement:

“The YPJ are all fucking whores. I hope they get raped,” said @TankieWaifuLuvr.

“Ivana Hoffmann is an idpol martyr to nothing,” concurred @ChinaIzSocialist. “The MLKP are CIA proxies, and Assad is more of a socialist than all these weird Turkish parties put together.”

“If I was part of a communist party, we would include denial of the existence of a Kurdish nation in the points of unity. It’s very clear if you read Stalin that the Kurds aren’t a nation,” insisted @ThreeWorldsTheory. “I really wish I could form such a party, but the US is too repressive for us to ever organise. In Turkey people are freer, Doğu Perinçek is able to organise against NATO and US imperialism as we never could here.”

In response, Trotskyists in those same countries will be marching against this “Stalinist” threat by waving the flags of the women’s brigades of the FSA.

Despite all this talk of Syria and Kurdistan, only one group of English-speaking leftists of any significant size seems to have actually travelled to the region to investigate: the anarchists.

“We’re here in solidarity with the most powerful anarchist movement in the world, the PKK, to learn more about anarchism in practice,” explained Heval Jacob, referring to the PKK in terms it has never once referred to itself. “Our delegation is proud to stand here with the Kurdish anarchist movement while all the fucking Stalinists waste their time, doing whatever it is they do,” he said, referring to a party that actual Kurdish anarchists refer to as “Stalinist”.

“Could the Marxists ever be so revolutionary as this woman?” asked Heval Vince, pointing at a woman patrolling nearby who, unbeknownst to him, was a member of the MLKP. “No, they’re nothing without their precious fucking tanks, goddamn statists.”

“Real revolution is happening now, these Kurds get that you can’t be a revolutionary while endorsing dictators like that,” laughed Heval Jacob, pointing mockingly at the MELS pin on our correspondent’s jacket. “That’s what people like you will never understand. No gods, no masters, man.”

As of press time, the anarchists had been ejected from Qendîl for various offences against PKK discipline, ranging from drug use to preaching “patriarchal polygamism”, an offence to the sex-negative teachings and wisdom of “our heroic leader, Öcalan”.

Jesus: Judeo-Bolshevik?

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BERLIN, QENDÎL – The latest article by the well-known US Christian-Maoist Cornel West calling for all his ‘brothers and sisters’ to ‘follow Jesus in fighting for the poor and downtrodden’ has provoked a repsonse by the respectable news outlet (in the US) and fascist propaganda front (by the standards of other countries) Breitbart News Network asking: “Was Jesus Secretly A Judeo-Bolshevik!?”

The Breitbart correspondant Guy Whitey Corngood writes “We alt-rightists reject the label ‘white supremacist’… A sort of visceral hatred of black people and immigrants is completely ignorant, and beneath us. We are more refined than that. We realise that the blacks and Mexicans are weapons used by the Cultural Marxist Jews in service of their planned white genocide*. We merely advocate self-defence against this.”

“When we see Jesus preaching, much in the style of the famed Jew Karl Marx, that black people ought to rise against the white race in the hateful and racist fashion typical of the Bolsheviki, we have to ask: Was Jesus a Jew?”

Response from the left was swift, as firing squads are swift. Cornel West responded in that typically Cornel West style by saying: “I hope my brothers and sisters at Breitbart, no matter how they feel about Jesus, will just… just shove it up their own assholes. I’m sorry, I’m done being nice to every hateful piece of shit that spouts some blatantly reactionary nonsense in my general vicinity. We can’t save ’em all. I’m selling my cloak and buying a sword for these Yankee Nazis.”

Meanwhile, in Qendîl, our editor-in-chief was deep in the finer points of historical-theological discussion with Murat Karayılan:

“Was Jesus a Jew? What is a Jew? A Jew is a Mesopotamian, in a sense. The Talmud is from Mesopotamia, as is the Gilgamesh flood myth. Abraham was a Mesopotamian, so why shouldn’t Jesus be too?”

“Sure, okay, but the actual point of the debate isn’t about…”

“In our understanding, Judaism, and all religions, including your faith, Shi’a Islam, and mine, Taoism, are just pre-modern yearnings for the ultimate truth of socialism.”

“So what you’re saying is…”

“Jesus was a Kurd.”

The German left scene, which has been embroiled in critiques and discussions of Christianity’s effect on social and political consciousness since the death of Hz. Hegel, and which is deeply invested in responding to Nazis for some reason, had a great deal to say on the subject of Jesus’s alleged Bolshevism:

“Jesus was certainly a Jew, and not a dirty German,” explained Stefan Engel, the most Stalinist member of der Frankfurter Schule. “But was he a Bolshevik? I would argue not. Despite Jesus’s many positive teachings, he nonetheless failed to grasp the role of imperialism: Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s? More like expropriate from Caesar that which Caesar expropriated from the colonised people of Judea!

“Jesus would read GegenStandpunkt.”

GegenStandpunkt has responded with almost the opposite critique of the Nazarene. It reads, in part:

Any discussion of bourgeois society which divides between so-called “fascist” and “democratic” trends is itself un-Marxist. Jesus, as a classic “democratic revolutionary” of the type lauded by Leninite deviationists, may have appealed to the emotions of the poor suffering under capitalism, but he did nothing to actively elevate popular understanding of capitalism as a system of exploitation per se.

When Jesus explains „Ein Reicher wird schwer ins Himmelreich kommen“**, there is nothing Marxist in this. Marx may have broken with the other Junghegelianer over the role of religious ideology in the bourgeois state, but he was very clear that it was not an emancipatory role as such. As for Jesus:

„Es ist leichter, daß ein Kamel durch ein Nadelöhr gehe, denn daß ein Reicher ins Reich Gottes komme. […] Jesus aber sah sie an und sprach zu ihnen: Bei den Menschen ist es unmöglich; aber bei Gott sind alle Dinge möglich.“**

Case closed, Leninites: Jesus was a reformist, an idealist, and a class collaborator.

*It is once again to be noted that “white genocide” is a euphamism for a trend of consensual miscegenation, but “advocating” it will nonetheless result in them doing you like they did George Ciccariello-Mahir-Çayan.

**Bible quotes left in their original German to avoid human misrepresentation of words in the holy tongue of Hz. Hegel.

ICOR Descends on London to Talk Toblerone Tactics

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LONDON – ICOR, the international revolutionary solidarity organisation formed at the initiative of its most famous affiliate, Nouveau Parti Communiste Haϊtien (Marxiste-Léniniste), are ringing in 2017 with a newer, bigger solidarity project, even more important to the international revolutionary movement than the Kurdish liberation movement’s defence of Şengal and Rojava from the barbaric forces of ISIS.

As is known, the gaps in the Toblerone in the UK have been widened, provoking a strong public outcry, particularly from the petty bourgeoisie and labour aristocracy. Protests have broken out across England, leading ICOR to call an emergency conference in London to discuss strategy and tactics for the chocolate crisis.

“Toblerone is a blatantly petty bourgeois chocolate, and class dynamics must underlie our every discussion,” opined a representative of the Bolshevik Party (North Kurdistan-Turkey). “Standing with these petty bourgeois protesters, even if they should riot and fight the police, would be tantamount to supporting fascism. Our struggle against opportunism must definitely extend to Toblerone and all other chocolate confections.”

“Most forms of struggle in the UK inevitably possess some petty bourgeois character, on account of the strength of the labour aristocracy,” responded a KOE member in attendence, on break from organising the bream-fishers of Santorini. “What is crucial is that the rejection of the gap-widening of the Toblerone reflects a rejection of profit-motivated production as such and can be used to help the masses understand their interest in socialism.”

From the back of the room came a loud cough, as a representative of the MLGS (the Marxist-Leninist Group of Switzerland) stood to speak:

Comrades! As the only Swiss in the room, and the only communists in Switzerland, we are in a unique position to analyse the impetus for this chocolate-modifying: It is our understanding that the chocolate was modified not for reasons of the profit motive, which would be difficult to explain in light of this modification being done, as far as our investigations have determined, only in the United Kingdom.

Clearly our bourgeois compatriots in Switzerland modified the British Toblerone so as to teach the obscenely positivist peoples of Britain about Hegelian dialectics. As all Swiss companies’ boards of directors are predominantly Right Hegelian, this unfortunately does result in greater overall exploitation for the profit motive. However, as all chocolate under capitalism is effectively in the service of the profit motive, we must consider, contextually, what meaning can truly be derived from this latest Toblerone gambit:

Out of the being of Toblerone has come the nothingness of the gaps. Out of the nothingness of the gaps comes being. Without the gaps, you cannot conceive of Toblerone as such. When Toblerone ceases to exist, so too will its gaps.

Was it not Marx who said: “With Toblerone, class struggle is standing on its head. It must be inverted, in order to discover the dialectical chocolate within the vulgar paper and foil shell”?

The Swiss representative then proceeded to take a Toblerone bar, flip it over several times on the table, as its triangular shape made it difficult to precisely determine when it was standing on its head, before unwrapping it and eating it piece by piece as the entire room waited silently, with baited breath.

At time of press, the ICOR meeting in London had voted down TİKB’s proposal to “blow up a Toblerone bar in the middle of London as an act of armed propaganda”.

Worker’s Spatula New Year’s Message and Self-Criticism

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“No, we see your point,” explained our host, politely. “His analysis of international relations IS good, but I don’t think we’ll be converting the entire party to Shi’a Islam on the basis of that alone.”

“We’re recording,” interrupted the Yank. “Read the statement.”

“COMRADES!” began a bearded comrade with an obnoxious English accent, drops of butter tea dripping down his moustache, “We, the central committee of Worker’s Spatula, the rebel base of Marxist-Leninist internet irony, are here in a mountain camp in Bhutan, in solidarity with the local Gonzalists and their popular war against Bhutanese happiness! MABUHAY!”

“Down with mirth! Fuck joy!” interrupted one of the guerrillas in the back.

2016 marked the first full calendar year of Worker’s Spatula activity. Despite a generally pessimistic mood in some corners, in many ways, we count this past year as a success: We successfully defended Jeremy Corbyn against the Blairites, we defeated Hillary Clinton through our accelerationist agent, the Donald, and we sold a few t-shirts.

Per our original self-description, we take no responsibility for the many setbacks the world revolutionary movement has suffered over the course of the past year. Further, we are responsible for all progressive motion and unity among the revolutionary masses and their vanguard. So one would think we have no room for self-criticism, but we do. And not only because we’re being hosted by Maoists.

First of all, during our New Year’s self-criticism last year, we promised video propaganda. We did produce one low quality video, and wrote two or three others, but we made the grievous error of trusting the Yanks with video production duties. Needless to say, we should’ve known from Hollywood that the US is the last country you can put your faith in for quality video work. Hopefully and إن شاء الله, 2017 permits us to produce those and other videos for your viewing enjoyment.

More importantly, if we’re perfectly honest with ourselves, Worker’s Spatula is altogether too accessible to people who don’t spend all day reading ROL newsletters and founding documents of Turkish Marxist-Leninist groups from the 80s and 90s. We are simply not weird and obscure enough. Sometimes we even catch anarchists reading our work. It’s extremely disheartening to see, and represents clear evidence of some deviation from the correct line handed down to us from the prophet Vladimir Lenin (SAW).

Prepare for a new year which is more brutal, more dialectical, and more materialist. Prepare for jokes that Die Linke people won’t get, and GegenStandpunkt will hate themselves for chuckling at. We’re going to make jokes about Hegel and Gramsci and Left Communism, we’re going to talk about the THKPC-MLSPB instead of the MLKP, and we’re basically going to make 90% of our readers and 50% of our own staff declare the Spatula to be a hateful, unreadable mess barely worth mentioning.

We’re going to make the RCPB-ML look like the fucking CPB.

And yet somehow we’re going to keep gaining followers, because this is the internet, and quality and quantity keep transforming into each other in the ways we least expect.

In this spirit, we call on all of you to make a New Year’s resolution with us: MAKE YOUR RESOLUTION, REVOLUTION. Resolve to join Worker’s Spatula in our regular reading of revolutionary texts, the Spatula Reading Group, and become part of the process of our interventions in practical politics by responding to them!

On the first and fifteenth of every month, we’re going to assign a different revolutionary text for collective reading. It may be from the Marxist-Leninist canon, or perhaps it will be Hegel, but we will provide a link to the text online.

We want you, the readers, to write a one-page summary, or response with your reactions, preferably in terms of how you were able to relate the reading to the material conditions in which you are doing revolutionary politics. Through this online reading and recontextualising, you will be taking part in the dialectic that underlies Worker’s Spatula. You can push the spiral upwards! Push it! Push it good! Push it real good!

Taking part in this campaign is a great way to improve your Marxist reading and help expand Worker’s Spatula’s collective consciousness of the theoretical and practical struggles in your life. We encourage all to take part, and to e-mail us at mastursublator [at] gmail.com

Finally, in spite of whatever setbacks may loom large in your sight, we hope all comrades will cling tight to hope and struggle on to great victories in the new year! In particular, we hail Oscar Temaru’s inevitable victory in the upcoming French presidential elections. When the power of the Spatula and the revolutionary masses are united, miracles are possible! We are right, we will win!

WORKER’S AND OPPRESSED PEOPLES OF THE WORLD – UNITE!

Upon completing the reading of the statement, all present raised their Kalashnikovs skywards and fired into the heavens whilst the Yank screamed: “DIALECTICS, MOTHERFUCKERS!”

Paid Advertisement: ROL Kwanzaa Benefit Album

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BOSTON – It’s the hottest-selling anti-revisionist gift item of the season: The ROL’s Kwanzaa benefit album “Umoja na Kujichagulia” is practically flying off the shelves. Indeed, scarcely a music store in the country can be found that still stocks it.

From the very first track, the album pulls no punches: a trip-hop soundtrack underlies a speech presumed to be delivered by Ray Light, mostly about unity of struggle between the Appalachian and Afro-American peoples.

While some critics have criticised the album’s musical quality and mish-mash of musical styles (from gospel to disco to hardcore punk), those critics are mostly national chauvinists and Trotskyites, and they’re probably into Kanye West or some shit.

The album closes with a stirring choral rendition of “Lift Every Voice”, the national anthem from the US which local Worker’s Spatula’s affiliates actually stand up for.

All proceeds from the album go to the National Black United Fund, to which you too should donate, in all seriousness.

Oscar Temaru Announces Candidacy for President of France

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FA’A’Ā, FRENCH POLYNESIA – After months of meetings secrètes avec les représentants de l’ICOR et de la CIPOML (maoïste) organiséd par le staff éditorial du Travailleur’s Spatule, le candidat whom we all know that France both needs and deserves has annonced himself before le monde: Oscar Temaru will be seeking le office du Président de la République française, running sur une plate-forme de contrôles d’immigration reinforcéd sur les blancs.

Speaking before a crowd composéd principalement de communistes et d’autres leftistes too hard for the fucking Parti de Gauche, Temaru a expliquéd ses plans pour sa présidencé: «Depuis trop longtemps, our borders have been flooded with white trash, thinking that they can just come in and just localise themselves without consulting the will of the people, and it’s got to stop. Nous, les polynésiens, sommes des peuples raisonnables, and we tried, I personally tried as président de la Polynésie, de proposer des changements raisonnables à la loi qui permettrait à notre peuple de vivre dans le comfort, mais le système colonial imposéd par le métropole ne permet pas de changements réels de la part de peuples subjects comme le nôtre.»

«As Président de la République française, je défendrai l’intégrité culturelle de toute la France contre la tide de l’immigration non-contrôléd. I have no intention to discriminate against white people. Le problème avec le régime current est que les blancs sont accordéd une licence spéciale to behave however they like, with no regard for les normes culturelles polynésiennes. Tous les nouveaux immigrants blancs à la France et à l’un de ses départements et territoires d’overseas must démonstrer leur capacité d’assimilation à la culture polynésienne.»

“Just to clarify,” asked incoming MLPD chair Gabi Gärtner, sporting a multicoloured lei around her neck, “Your plan is to solve the colonisation of Polynesia and racism in France by imposing Polynesian culture on the French metropol?”

“Yes,” responded Temaru.

“An extremely dialectical and elegant solution!” gushed Gärtner, who led the MLPD delegation in two minutes of sustained applause.

OCML-PV cadres have résponded immédiatement à l’annonce avec une campagne de graffitis around Paris: «VOTEZ TEMARU!» lire les graffitis, «VOUS ÊTES EN POLYNÉSIE, PARLEZ LES LANGUES POLYNESIENNES!»

Pour leur part, le PCOF, le parti local affiliéd de la CIPOML (hoxhaïste), a rejectéd cette campagne polynésienne as «insuffisamment danque et edgée», proposing instead that the goal should instead be to marcher sur Rome en concert avec their «Carthaginian sister parties» (de Maroc et de Tunisie).

Back in Fa’a’ā, local millionaire Lucas de Chevron Villette reacted to the scene of communists marching about with pictures of Temaru, declaiming their intention to rid France of white culture, with shock:

«Je ne reconnais plus ma France, je pense sérieusement à voter pour Le Pen.»

«Je ne suis pas raciste, mais…»

Liechtensteiner ICOR Affiliate Discovered

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VADUZ, LIECHTENSTEIN – A wrong turn by one of our Viennese correspondents led them to accidentally enter Liechtenstein, the rarest and highest HP value of all the German-speaking countries. While there, he decided to visit an old comrade presently teaching at the Wirtschaftswissenschaftsfakultät of the University of Liechtenstein.

The comrade, [REDACTED] provided him with a copy of the newsletter of der Revolutionäre Organisation Liechtensteins (ROL), the Liechtensteiner ICOR affiliate, which describes itself as “the only genuine Marxist-Leninist organisation operating from within the belly of the imperialist beast that is Liechtenstein”. Below are some selections from this rare and extremely anti-revisionist organisation. Reader discretion is advised:

New Octobers: Yes! Liechtenstein: No!

The world needs a new October Revolution today. Where the first one shall be, no one can say, but one can say that it will not be in Liechtenstein. Liechtenstein is the most dangerous and reactionary entity imagineable, and the only solution to its contradictions is its utter and complete destruction.

We call upon our comrades, the toiling masses of Liechtenstein, particularly the Gastarbeiters whose exploited labour allows the labour aristocracy of Liechtenstein to grow fat and stupid, as well as the escalator repairmens union in which we have long been active, to rise up to destroy Liechtenstein and help its people unite with their brothers and sisters in Switzerland and Austria.

We call upon all our fraternal organisations of ICOR to unite with us in our call for the destruction of Liechtenstein, and work for the overturning of all existing social conditions and a glorious red dawn for a new day tomorrow!

Workers of the world and oppressed peoples – unite!

Liechtenstein must be destroyed!

Other pieces attacked rival left-wing formations in Liechtenstein, such as they are:

Pepo Frick – Scoundrel and spectacled traitor

In our analysis, the single greatest threat to the toilers of the pseudo-country known as Liechtenstein is the scoundrel and spectacled traitor who calls himself Pepo Frick. Pepo Frick, if that is his real name, stands as the smiling face of social-democracy in Liechtenstein. Little do the confused masses of Liechtenstein realise that social-democracy, far from being a “left” trend, is actually the historical friend of Nazism and the cold-blooded assassins of Rosa Luxemburg and Karl Liebknecht.

If tomorrow the entirety of the ROL is found floating dead in the Rhine, slaughtered by bloodthirsty Nazis, know that it was Pepo Frick who delivered this fate unto us.

Remain ever-vigilant comrades: No to social-democracy, NO TO PEPO FRICK!

On the final page, some truly unique theoretical positions were on display:

Stalin – REVISIONIST?

We, der Revolutionäre Organisation Liechtensteins (ROL), have never shied away from controversy when declaring our bold theoretical stances. We declared Mao to have dangerously deviated from the correct line before Enver Hoxha did, and we declared Enver Hoxha to have embraced the Three Worlds Theory before the elements that would become the Bolşevik Parti in North Kurdistan – Turkey did. We declared Bob Avakian to be a Trotskyite before the RIM did, and we declared the DPRK to be Trotskyites just so we could take a stance literally no one else has.

We now wish to unveil our boldest theory yet: Joseph Stalin was himself a Trotskyite revisionist, worse even than Lenin in his deviations from the correct line of Marxism-Leninism, defensible only against the immediate and total threat of international fascism, led by Ernest Mandel…

It goes on like this for a few paragraphs.

We wish our newfound comrades in Liechtenstein all the best, and call upon all sympathetic forces in Austria and Switzerland to unite with them in struggle, and struggle with them in unity.

Enver Hoxha Elected President of the United States

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WASHINGTON D.C. – Following a tense campaign between feminist theorist Hillary Clinton and male underwear model Donald Trump, the polls for the 2016 US Presidential Election closed today with every single state reporting back a win for the late Albanian socialist Enver Hoxha.

Most analysts are at a loss for how the deceased anti-imperialist who is not even a US citizen could have beaten out the Clinton dynasty and Trump’s name-brand recognition as a famous academic and gourmet halal butcher. However, communists across the world are making the claim that the accelerationist strategy of the many US communists who infiltrated Trump’s campaign has actually paid off: The fascist threat was simply perceived as so great that the masses across the United States had nowhere to turn but a heroic anti-fascist partisan leader.

Across the United States, celebrating youth took to the streets with their Albanian flags. “It’s really happening!” exclaimed a young woman who identified herself as “Red Dawn”, with tears of joy in her eyes, “The revisionists are going to get it now! Throw ’em into the fire, break their backs!”

“We did it, comrades! Marxism-Leninism, Marxism-Leninism, Marxism-Leninism!” announced Hoxha campaign representative Alfonso Casal, from his personal bunker in Chicago. “Hope is all around us. Liberation is coming. I would like to announce my own candidacy for mayor of Chicago. I will be running on a platform of punching Rahm Emanuel in the fucking face.”

In her concession speech, Clinton stated that “Although I think expropriating the expropriators, national liberation, and bunkers from sea to shining sea are not the sort of policies that will help America, I believe in the peaceful transition of power. This is what makes our country truly great, and I call on all Americans to accept that we now live under a dictatorship of the proletariat.”

For his part, Trump responded to the question “How do you feel about losing?” by saying “Oh, did I lose?” before laughing a big belly laugh and evaporating before the very eyes of assembled reporters.

Our Santiago representative sat down with a young man in dire need of a haircut to discuss the international reaction to the Hoxha win:

“Well, tas tas tas, obviously.” explained the PC(AP) representative. “The ICMLPO is ecstatic, and ICOR elements are already looking into how to use this win as leverage in the campaigns to free Figen Yüksekdağ and Alp Altınörs.

“The RIM Maoists have declared it a win for ‘dogmato-revisionism’, but who really understands what those guys are talking about? Red suns and higher stages and dogmato-revisionism, it’s all quite spooky.”

The KKE also released a statement which summarised the win as representing “the will of the people of the United States, and proof that exclusively running in bourgeois elections while eschewing all compromise is a sure path to victory.”

While international communist response to the Hoxha win was generally cautiously optimistic to positive, the local official representatives of “communism”, the CPUSA, released the following statement:

“We condemn this adventurist victory on behalf of the Enver Hoxha campaign, which, like the Sanders campaign before it, could threaten the Democrats’ ability to control 100% of the senate and congress, which we must reiterate is the only way in which we can hope to subjectively intervene and present ourselves with better objective conditions.”

After China’s Sesame Credit System: Spatula Credits

广州 – Following the success of the CPC’s “Sesame Credit” system, which keeps track of PRC citizenry’s adherence to the revisionist line of the aforementioned party, Worker’s Spatula’s diasporic Chinese comrade was sent back to her motherland to carry out research for the development and implementation of a similar system. Now, some months later, we are proud to reveal that just by reading this, you have your own “Spatula Credit” score to which only we, Worker’s Spatula, have access.

Yes, using data harvested by Turkish communist hacker group RedHack, Worker’s Spatula now has access to most of the online activity of our readers, which we use to determine whether and in which direction you have deviated from the correct Marxist-Leninist line. Left deviation will be punished more harshly than right deviation, in true Stalinist fashion; for each one point of left deviation or ten points of right deviation, an e-mail will be sent to a comrade of yours informing them that you are a factionalist traitor to your organisation, and should be the subject of harsh criticism at the next meeting.

The “Spatula Credit” system relies not only on the “stick”, but the “carrot” method as well: Activities like repudiating revisionist and Trotskyite lies, as well as sharing articles from the ICOR website, will result in deletion of deviation points and Worker’s Spatula assistance to you in your daily life. Are you in a union? Those with low deviation points will have Worker’s Spatula agents dispatched to assist with crucial strike votes. Do you work in a progressive café or bookshop? We will sabotage rivals in your area to increase your sales. Are you an academic Marxist? Shame on you. Just… shame on you.

We had initially hoped to incorporate back-end photo recognition data from Facebook to allocate a higher portion of the “Spatula Credit” score to protest participation, but unfortunately, Facebook was uncooperative.

But it’s alright if Israel needs your help, innit Facebook?

Want to increase your Spatula Credit score by a whole lot? Purchase a Worker’s Spatula t-shirt and help advertise us to the world! Uphold the correct line!

Dialectics “R” Us Speaks on the Duterte Situation

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UTRECHT, NETHERLANDS – “Do you want the short version or the long version?” Joma Sison, retired writer and passionate hobby gardener, contemplatively asks our WS correspondent, before continuing without waiting for an answer: “The short version of what Duterte is doing is: dialectics, dialectics, dialectics.

“Now, the long version is that he is diving into the manure of contradictions, which you have to do in realpolitik, and thus he is engaging in a dialectical politics with regard to Sino-American relations. And since dialectics is Marxism-Leninism-Mao Zedong Thought – and we might add: Sisonism – he is displaying exemplary politics that should be supported by the CPP and the NDF.

“Not that I have any say in those organisations, but if I had, I would advise them to support him in his dialectical method. The Pilipino people are by their very nature dialectical thinkers and thus supporters of Mao Zedong Thought–Sisonism. Thus, the Pilipino people will support Duterte’s dialectics, but since – dialectically – this dialectic is basically the politics of the CPP it is safe to say that the CPP is actually in power in the Pilippines. This is the unique genius of Sisonism. Me – MABUHAY!”

Other voices were less enthusiastic about the confused statements of Rodrigo Duterte and the response of the Maoist government of the Philippines to this. Stefan Engel, the only person that can issue orders to God, responded to our request for a statement thus:

“Look, this is crap. If a guy like Duterte can confuse them, they should consider giving up. I was going to say they should join the fight in Kurdistan, where the enemy is clear. But then I think about the complex manoeuvring in Syria and Iraq between rival imperialist blocs, they’d just find some way to screw it up. So now I think they should collectively buy a massive garden in the Netherlands, which is basically Germany’s garden, and work on that.

“But hey, Joma will always be welcome in my official ICOR basement when Manny Pacquiao is on.”