US Democrats Reconcile with History: Apologise for la Guerra Sucia

JKIII

BOSTON – Liberals across the United States are ecstatic about the speech given by Joe Kennedy III, not only for his bold stance against Donald Trump, but also because many analysts are hailing it as evidence that the momentum started by Bernie Sanders is finally bearing fruit, with the Democratic Party moving firmly to the left and reconciling with the US’s dark Cold War history.

“A lot of people have been claiming that our party stands for nothing,” explained Congressperson Kennedy in his latest speech in Boston, where several Beltway big shots, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the congressperson’s charismatic articulation of the youthful Zeitgeist in the US showed strong potential for a second Kennedy presidency soon. “Those people couldn’t be more wrong. We are a party of the 99%, we are a party of togetherness and fairness, we are the party of great Americans like Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and Hillary Clinton.”

“A lot of people talk about making America great again. But those people have got to talk about what’s gone wrong in America in the first place!” shouted Kennedy to cheers from youthful supporters, taken with his handsome Kennedy face. “There’s a dark chapter in US history, where we let down the international community and our most deeply cherished values, and the current administration has done nothing to make this right!” exclaimed Kennedy, pounding his fist on the podium for emphasis.

“I’m referring of course, to the Dirty War in Argentina, and our other crimes against our Latin American neighbours during the Cold War. Oh, it was a dirty war indeed, my fellow Americans. Dirty because of the damage to the environment done by the bullets used to clean up the terrorists of the ERP. Dirty because of their filthy blood which dirtied the beautiful streets of Buenos Aires and the clean soil of Tucumán. And dirty because of the pollution of the ocean and air that resulted from Pinochet’s having to fly all those reds out in helicopters on the death flights.

“You want to make America great again? Let’s commit to our environment, and to a green, sustainable CIA! This is what the Democrats stand for! Let’s make it happen, America!”

The Boston DSA, which is widely suspected of having been converted into a front for the clandestine US ICOR affiliate ROL, were found protesting outside the venue distributing flyers with the following statement:

The workers and oppressed nationalities of the US shouldn’t be fooled by the Wall Street stooge Joe Kennedy, with his fake environmentalism and his fake overtures to Black Lives Matter. If Black lives are going to matter, to really matter, then we all have to strengthen the fight for the liberation of the oppressed Afro-American people by uniting their struggle with the other peoples oppressed by imperialism around the world. And that means first and foremost their brothers and sisters in Latin America! Black lives SHOULD matter, and they should matter just as the lives of Argentinians and Chileans should matter.

As our comrades in the PTP said to us at the last joint meeting of democratic socialists in the Americas, while addressing the fascist dictatorship which killed so many of their people in the years to which Joe Kennedy III refers: “We see no difference in the deaths of our bright Argentine youth disappeared by the fascist junta and those of the Afro-American youth being cut down in their prime in North America by the police of the great imperialist states. Workers and oppressed peoples of the world, unite!”

That’s the spirit of proletarian internationalism that real democratic socialists like us or the PTP bring to the table. The workers and oppressed nationalities of the United States shouldn’t be hoodwinked by Kennedy’s flowery words! The real enemy is at home!

The local chapter of the CPUSA, for its part, were available for comment at the request of Worker’s Spatula. A suitably elderly man greeted us at the appointed meeting point in the Boston Commons:

“Sure we understand why the DSA kids don’t like Kennedy, they’re young and angry, full of fire. I like that. But the thing is, you’ve got to be wicked smart if you want to beat someone like Trump. You gotta let things go like the Cold War, or being able to pay for college, or whatever.

“It’s ultra-leftism to criticise Kennedy just because he wants to suppress and silence us and everyone like us, forever, and maintain every aspect of the status quo that we criticise. Because, if you think about it, he might run for president, and do you want Trump to win?

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Worker’s Spatula New Year’s Message and Self-Criticism

Sydney

“Do you think anyone still reads these?”

“Nobody still reads Marx or Lenin anymore either, don’t be so opportunist as to concern yourself with whether or not anyone will read something before writing it.”

“Shut up, someone read the statement.”

“I think it’s my turn, here we go:

Good evening Sydney, and a glorious 2018 to all of our comrades across the world! We, the Central Committee of Worker’s Spatula, the worst nightmare of the Left Communists, the scourge of the modern revisionists, the drinking buddies of the more tolerable Trotskyists, are speaking to you live from the Sydney Opera House, which was built by workers who, during construction, were visited and serenaded by Paul Robeson himself:

 

Paul Robeson, in addition to being a great class conscious struggler for peace and justice in a world of war and injustice, was an Afro-American, a member of an oppressed nation in the imperialist United States.

The Australian workers, for their part, were principally the descendants of settler-colonist labourers in the British colony of Australia, whose indigenous were the victims of genocide and oppression and who, like the Afro-American people or the indigenous in the United States, still yearn for liberation to this day. Travelling thousands of kilometres, Robeson met with them to seek unity of workers and oppressed peoples.

From the north to the south of the world, universal trends of capitalism-imperialism can be seen again and again in different particularities. Robeson is a symbol of the most universal spirit of our movement, and we salute his journey to sing for the workers here, as we begin our own quest in 2018 across the Global South:

In 2018, Worker’s Spatula will be consciously focusing on the Southern Hemisphere of the planet as much as possible to the exclusion of the Northern Hemisphere. We had initially intended to come up with some theoretical justification for the strength of this shift, something about how most imperialist countries are in the Northern Hemisphere, but if we’re really honest with ourselves, it’s because we’re just sick to death of having to do our Ramadan fasting during summer.

Naturally, we hope to incorporate our long-standing support for the Aboriginal Australians into our satire; and southern Africa should receive due focus, a region which has come more into the world’s attention following the coup in Zimbabwe; perhaps most importantly, we intend to publish more on South America, for which we expect due thanks from our comrades in the PC(AP).

Finally, dear comrade-readers, we must speak about our self-criticism. In fact, we have made many mistakes, which we always seek to rectify, but chief among them, most grievous of all, is that we have paid altogether too little attention to the sinister heart of the capitalist-imperialist world system. Driven by our need to provide engaging, critical, and diverse coverage around the world, we have neglected the need to direct the harshest and most violent polemics against the head of global imperialism:

We speak of course of Liechtenstein. Truly no more reactionary entity than Liechtenstein exists, and no crime of international imperialism can be named whose blood cannot be found dripping from the cold, filthy, pasty-white, chapped fingertips of the scoundrel and puppy-kicker Prince Hans-Adam II!

No more, comrades! No more! 2018 will not be another year in which Worker’s Spatula, the vanguard of the vanguard of the vanguard of the world revolution, allow Liechtenstein’s countless crimes to go unnoticed! We will provide constant exposure of this parasitic, inhuman pseudo-country’s repulsive and reactionary policies so as to aid the heroic strugglers around the world, particularly those guerrillas in Switzerland, Austria, and in Liechtenstein itself already engaged in direct action aimed at nullifying the existence of Liechtenstein!

Yes comrades, 2018 will be the year when, should the dialectic will it, LIECHTENSTEIN WILL BE WIPED OFF THE MAP, thus weakening global capitalism-imperialism by depriving it of its ‘head’! This is our historic mission, and we call on all our comrades and friends across the world to aid us in this fight!

WHAT DO WE WANT? [NO MORE LIECHTENSTEIN!]
WHEN DO WE WANT IT? [2018!]

Workers and oppressed peoples of the world – unite!

“…so what do you usually do with the rest of your evening?”

“Oh I was thinking we could get extremely drunk, and throw a fairly large quantity of shrimp on the barbie, one by one.”

“Isn’t there anything else to do here in Sydney, Australia?”

“No, I’m afraid that’s literally all there is to do here in Australia, the country where all we ever do is drink VB and throw prawns on a hot grill.”

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Humourless Marxist Reviews: Star Wars: The Last Jedi

LastJedi

CW: Spoilers, accusations of “narodnism”

In a brazen cash grab following the massive success of the third and final installment in the Star Wars trilogy, George Lucas has seen fit to produce a sequel entitled “The Last Jedi”. Rumours already abound that this may be the beginning of a new sequel trilogy (which, since the entire thing takes place “a long time ago”, is more properly termed a “prequel”).

Due to overwhelming demand, Worker’s Spatula have dispatched their finest EMEP-affiliated film critics to determine the political character of this new War in the Star.

We are sad to report that contrary to the rumours, this film is not Marxist-Leninist propaganda, which frankly is the least you can ask from your science fiction. Progressive? Perhaps, but with grave organisational shortcomings that, among Marxist-Leninists such as ourselves, we should not shy away from criticising.

Are the forces of the New Order arch-reactionaries, imperialists, and fascists? Without any doubt. Is the struggle of the Resistance against them right? It is right, and the audience is right to identify with it. But can we avoid mentioning the scene where a distress signal was sent out, and no one answered Leia’s call? Should this not have been a sign to our heroes that they had been outmanoeuvred by the enemy? Read the Art of War, Leia.

But Leia’s mistakes as commander are not limited to particular moments of miscalculation or desperation: the general lack of training and discipline is apparent from the reckless decisions her individual troops take. Whether it’s Finn or Joe Pomeranian, the men of the Resistance get to pose themselves as heroes by carrying out great acts of revenge on their foe, but only by continuously taking adventurist risks that are responsible for great losses for their own organisation! No rigorous process of criticism and self-criticism greets these wayward comrades, merely verbal warnings and demotions. How long is the Resistance to last if it takes such a laissez-faire attitude towards discipline, training, and tactics?

Even the women of the resistance, who are notably more sober-minded, have yet to articulate a coherent overall strategy. Nowhere in the film is the overall tactical line of the Resistance mentioned, instead we are treated to Mao Zedong’s quote that “a single spark can start a prairie fire”, repeated over and over again by all the main characters in unison as they stare into the camera for a period of twenty minutes. Maddening.

Rey O’Light travels to the Dagoba system to meet with Luke Skywalker, who obviously represents Enver Hoxha, and stays with him in a mountain bunker where they condemn the failings of the Jedi Council, a clear stand-in for the Soviet Union, in brutally critical terms befitting the post-Cold War reality that we as Marxist-Leninist revolutionaries face. This was the only good scene, and even it was ruined by the rampant idealism we already mentioned in our first review.

But then even she, the supposedly most theoretically advanced figure in the Resistance, doesn’t listen to Enver Skywalker and runs off to face Darth What’s-His-Name in the Death Star or whatever, and kills Emperor Palpatine with him, only so that a new ruling clique led by Darth Who’s-It can emerge! Stop trying to abolish things without abolishing the conditions that led to those things! Anarchism! Narodnism! Adventurism! Wookieism!

All of these critiques are not to say that we do not fully defend the role the Resistance is playing. But the very dangerous objective conditions which these political subjects face require that we soberly take account of the facts. The Resistance can win its space war, and it can win by recognising the leading role of the space proletariat, and engaging in a diversity of space tactics to align all the progressive space forces against the space class enemies whose space exploitation and space oppression are the actual material basis for Captain McBadguy or Darth Kyle or whatever his name is.

The film, to its credit, actually spends a great deal of time portraying the sympathy of the working class to the Resistance, and if our narodnik heroes can unite their military manoeuvres with the organic trends of the proletariat, we are confident that socialism can be achieved in one more film, without having to sit through a half-dozen more of these.

Please George Lucas, stop sending these brave young people on suicide missions. Don’t be DHKP/C. These are human beings whose lives are being thrown out in a galaxy far, far away thanks to your adventurism. Orient the Resistance line towards the proletariat now. Do it for your old friends at the Spatula.

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Communist Has Encyclopedic Knowledge of Left Despite Not Having Left Bed in Years

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KING’S LYNN, NORFOLK – Worker’s Spatula have spent much of 2017 corresponding with [REDACTED], who asked not to be referred to by her real name, Twitter handle, or even any of the various pseudonyms under which she writes, owing to a completely unwarranted but nevertheless less extremely potent anxiety about her own intellectual abilities. The comrade, whom we shall refer to as ‘Comrade X’, has become well known as England’s foremost expert on the international revolutionary movement. She is constantly sought after for her observations and insights on civil wars, occupations, and unrest around the world, despite her inability to leave her own bed and exit the house.

When discussing her political awakening over encrypted chat with the Worker’s Spatula East Anglia correspondent, she identified the 2011 UK student uprising in minute detail. The detail was so breathtaking and covered so many different events and locales that our correspondent was curious about her specific role: “Oh I was having a bit of a bad patch at that time, and couldn’t be arsed to get out of bed”, explained ‘Comrade X’, whose life had been a series of bad patches, seemingly without respite, “so I couldn’t go on the day but my friends told me all about it.”

Having dropped out of university in 2012 due to ongoing mental health difficulties, and the complete lack of support and understanding from tutors, lecturers, support staff, and the administration, ‘Comrade X’ spends her days reading ICOR press releases and debates in her parents semi-detached three-bedroom house.

Despite seemingly never leaving the house, ‘Comrade X’ is now the most theoretically developed cadre in England, having moved swiftly from NSM anarchism, through Dengism, Twitter Brezhnevism, Third Worldist Maoism, autonomism, Guevarism, and finally arriving at the healing light of Hoxhaist anti-revisionism with Apoist tendencies.

While actually existing “Marxist” organisations in the UK continue to debate whether the Labour Party can establish socialism by forming a government, or whether the possibility of a coming Labour government is the sole impediment to the construction of socialism, or whether Scottish independence ‘divides the British working class’, heroic ‘Comrade X’ has seen the dialectic of history as it materially relates to her country and its manifold contradictions, with the one unfortunate shortcoming that as she is too depressed to go outside, she cannot actualise this advanced theory in praxis.

When asked about her future plans, ‘Comrade X’ stated that she was learning Turkish so she could better understand what exactly Bolşevik Parti and TİKB’s positions on the MLKP are, so that she can angrily give her views on them to her approximately 100 Twitter followers around the world, and nobody else.

Additionally, she plans to take the DWP to court after being kicked off of ESA due to being able to walk 5 steps in her work capability assessment, despite having detailed medical evidence supplied from numerous doctors and psychiatrists that work would be impossible for her, and detrimental to her well-being and recovery.

Greetings to you, ‘Comrade X’, and good luck in your struggle with modern revisionism, as well as your struggle with your own life, which is seemingly weightier still!

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Suicide Hotline Hold Time Gives Communist Chance to Think About Death

theOTHERtikb

CW: A more or less unchanged description of an actual suicide attempt.

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS – Following a weeks-long spiral of despair, PhD student Özgür Ğ. attempted suicide earlier this afternoon, by trying to hang himself with his Kurdish pûşî in a dark classroom at Harvard University.

A tear in the pûşî caused our Alınteri-reading hero to tumble to the ground in what would, under other circumstances, be a comical display, punctuated by Siri calling out to him, having mistaken the fall for an attempt to activate the smartphone assistant app.

“Siri, suicide hotline!” exclaimed Özgür into the dark room as he dusted himself off.

By about the tenth minute into hold time, Özgür’s dark thoughts had not dissipated, only crystalised into their expected ideological form.

“If I die like this, isn’t it even more worthless than my pointless life as a petty bourgeois academic?” Özgür wondered to himself as the hold time dragged on, picturing himself going out in a blaze of glory, confronting the fascist Turkish state, TİKB saflarında. “A guerrilla’s death, that would be the suicide for me.”

The hold time continued to drag on, while Özgür began picturing his insignificant life being snuffed out in ever more newsworthy and heroic contexts.

“If I became another Suphi Nejat, the Maoists would feel so bad about all the times they made fun of me,” thought Özgür, as he waited for the suicide hotline to pick up for the 23rd minute. “I wonder what Yankees do during this wait time? Probably they just kill themselves like they originally planned. Truly Marxism-Leninism is a lofty ideology, to have provided me with such a greater potential meaning to my coming death during this important moment of clarity.”

Özgür’s heroic pontifications, alongside the suicide hotline, were cut off by a ding on his smartphone alerting him he had received another e-mail from his advisor:

Dear Özgür,

I’m sorry to say that over the past few weeks I’ve noticed a sharp decline in the quality and quantity of your work

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Human Nature Discovered

DNA

MUNICH – Top sciencers at the Bourgeois Institute for Legitimate Facts in Munich, Bavaria today announced a breakthrough in evolutionary biology: the confirmation of the existence of human nature, the immutable genetic source of class divisions in our unchanging society. One representative, Doktor Hans Rheinmüller, addressed the assembled press, including a Worker’s Spatula correspondent, earlier today.

“We’ve long known that humans are greedy, which is a technical term for the fact that no human can ever be truly happy if others are not starving and doing without. Economists, biologists, geneticists, photographers, and IT technicians have long agreed on this obvious fact. However, rogue evolutionary biologists with obvious communist sympathies have recently begun to claim that in spite of these facts, which they acknowledge as anyone with common sense would, it may be possible to either mitigate greed, or to evolve past it.

“After extensive genetic testing and review of the fossil record, we have discovered that the Neanderthals lacked the ‘greed’ gene, which was what actually allowed Homo sapiens to drive the Neanderthals extinct. Any attempt to create a society without exploitation or genetically modify humans to remove the ‘greed’ gene would likewise result in our rapid extinction at the hands of some aggressively bourgeois society. Perhaps space aliens, or the French.

“Likewise, those who suggest that state force could be used to in any way mitigate this intrinsic and scientifically proven feature of our eternal human nature, or even that a progressive tax plan should be put in place at present to alleviate poverty or combat climate change, are proven wrong by our extensive research on Homo floresiensis, which reveal that this species of human went extinct following a stock market crash brought about by socialism, the source of all crises in capitalism, the otherwise stable economic system of which socialism is a merely communist-inflected form.

“I will not be taking any questions,” concluded Doktor Rheinmüller, before retiring to his study to continue writing his physics-based rebuttal of the absurd fantasy tome, Capital, by Karl Marx.

Stefan Engel immediately arrived on the scene to comment, uninvited.

“What can we say, comrades? We’ve been proven wrong. These real and meaningful critiques come from a scientific perspective, and shatter our fantastic philosophy once and for all. Probably I will become an investment banker now, and I encourage all my former comrades of the MLPD to give me all their money to invest, the profits of which will not be shared with them, as is only natural and therefore right and fair.”

Slavoj Žižek surprised the world by taking a contrarian stance: “I am tempted to say the opposite,” hissed the Slovene from a bar in downtown Ljubljana, where he had been drinking with our local Balkan correspondent since 10 AM, totally by coincidence. “I propose that what is actually said, in the explicit form, is in fact, contrarily, within the totality of itself, meaningless. That is to say, simply because, and I don’t mean to be offensive I have many feminist friends, simply because human nature has been proven, does this mean that we are in fact, required to be human?

“I propose that the opposite is in fact the case. That we must refuse to take part in human nature precisely because, and here is the point, because of what humanity is being defined as by scientists.”

“My god!” he concluded, before downing the remainder of his beer and stumbling back to the bar.

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Worker’s Spatula Endorsement for US Presidency in 2020

Kentucky

DEEP IN THE MOUNTAINS OF KENTUCKY – Following years of rising popular struggle in the imperialist United States, Worker’s Spatula’s Central Committee have traveled to a mountain base in rural Kentucky to discuss the upcoming US Presidential Election of 2020. After heated discussion, the following statement was released:

Comrades, we are speaking to you from a guerrilla base of the Appalachian Liberation Movement, who have graciously hosted us for the past few days. We have dined upon exquisite cornbreads and sipped upon the finest Mountain Dews; we have discussed the Afro-American National Liberation Movement and lessons to be learnt from it that may be critically applied in Appalachia; we have been reading ROL and AIM propaganda and discussing their ramifications; above all else, we have been trying to unite the struggles of the poor and oppressed in the fight against capitalism, imperialism, and fascism.

Our support for Donald Trump in 2016 was right, and we are proud to have been responsible for all the heroic unity and struggle of the peoples of the multinational United States. But the question must be asked: have we accelerated the contradictions enough? Surely Donald Trump stands for everything that is wrong with capitalism and imperialism, with the established oppressor nation order, with the patriarchy. The masses in the US are in general agreement that never before has such a cartoonish, unbelievably open chauvinism stood at the face of their enemy. However, in all our discussions of late, two points have stood at the centre.

Firstly, and most obviously, we have been unable to forge a strong popular front within the United States, encompassing not only the oppressed nations and peoples, but also the broad working class of the U.S. (North) oppressor nation. Unfortunately for us, it is actually impossible to unite the “Yankee” working class in struggle with the oppressed nations because even the most progressive communist trends, except for the ROL and the FRSO, refuse to acknowledge the heroic leadership of these movements and unite with them in practice. Our continued popular front work within the DSA may yet yield some results, but for now, it is clear what the problem is:

The labour aristocratic politics which bestow concrete privilege disproportionately on the “Yankee” proletariat are still relatively strong and connected with US imperialism as such. The Sanders campaign of 2016 showed that positive demands can be put forth to this population as the austerity imposed by the ever-deepening crisis concretely attacks them. Therefore, to organise “white” workers, we must actually deepen the crisis. We must arrange for a government which will be even less responsive to the needs of the “white” proletariat than the Trump-Pence government. Then, and only then, will the “white” proletariat understand the imperialist bourgeois United States as its enemy and seek common struggle with the oppressed nations and nationalities.

Comrades, such a government is no dream. Worker’s Spatula would like to officially announce our support for a joint Trump-Clinton ticket in 2020. We believe this is possible and desirable for the following reasons:

  1. Clintonites hold that you must change the system “from within”, on the system’s own terms, no matter what. Truly, there would be no better opportunity for this than operating within the Trump campaign.
  2. The majority of Trump supporters are no more chauvinistic than Clinton supporters, and just as we endeavour to win Clinton supporters over to our cause, so too must we win Trump supporters over to our cause. Uniting the two camps in political practice will erode the need to begin any conversation with either that opposition to their erroneous political stance is not a result of support for the other half of the political “duopoly” of the US.
  3. We really could not think of any more provocative candidate to support this time than Hillary Clinton, and admit it, none of you really believe even an anti-austerity social democrat has a chance in the first place. This isn’t New Zealand.
  4. Mutual penetration of the opposites or something. Dialectics.

This decision received overwhelming support from the Appalachian revolutionaries with whom we discussed the matter at great length. If Appalachia is behind it, the rest of White AmeriKKKa have no excuse. Vanguard life, fam.

SUPPORT TRUMP AND CLINTON AGAINST THE WHITE WORKING CLASS OF THE IMPERIALIST UNITED STATES!

UPLIFT THE REVOLUTIONARY STRUGGLE OF ALL THE POOR AND OPPRESSED FOR LIBERATION AND AGAINST IMPERIALISM!

WORKERS AND OPPRESSED PEOPLES OF THE WORLD – UNITE!

Dersim to Secede from Dersim out of Frustration

DuzgunBaba

THE CITY THAT KNOWS NOT ITS OWN NAME – “We’re doing it, kirwe,” said Ali Mehmet, puffing on his Laz Marlboro, “it’s really happening this time.”

“You’re joking, abi,” exclaimed Mehmet Ali, his younger friend.

“May there be Düzgün Baba, kirwe.”

The Maoists, Dersim’s favourite tourist attraction, are hurriedly preparing for the upcoming independence referendum, in which Dersim will vote on whether to secede from itself, owing to the latter’s failure to defend the region’s supposedly long-standing aspiration for freedom from the Turkish Republic which presently occupies it.

“Dersim can never advance towards socialism so long as it’s still full of Dersimliler,” explained Dilan Akdağ, a local SMF member, to our corespondent. “Our people deserve better than to have to live under the oppression of the fascist Kemalist state that we routinely affirm our loyalty to with CHP votes.”

The campaign has won widespread acceptance from the largely apathetic population, with the most significant voice of criticism coming from the post-DevYol grouplets Halkevleri and Kaldıraç, local members of which have been meeting with one another to coordinate for the “no” campaign.

“Everyone attacks us as Kemalists, but our concern here is very genuinely socialist,” explained Fatma Demirkan, a Halkevleri representative at the meeting which our local correspondent attended. “Dersim’s love for itself is not necessarily progressive. We have real trouble getting people to do actual political work, and a big part of this problem stems from the heroic self-image our people have. If we secede, we’re probably the ones who stand the most to gain: a population like that of Dersim would love to be run by people like us, and we’d certainly be able to sign up a lot of people if the CHP didn’t exist, but the question is, are these people ready to fight for socialist values themselves?”

“Is Dersim actually worth liberating?” asked local Kaldıraç cadre Derya Kılıç to our correspondent. “Dersim should frankly be abolished, as it delegitimises its own existence in practice: claiming to be communist, most of us are actually supremely opportunist and reformist, and we all know it. May there be Düzgün Baba, Hüseyin Aygün is less opportunist than most of us, and he’s in the god damned CHP. Will secession change any of that?”

The Bolşevik Parti of Turkey, North Kurdistan, Occupied Hatay, Dersim, and the Black Sea hurried to release an extremely correct declaration of their views on the matter, to be read mostly by writers of Worker’s Spatula and ICOR affiliates from other countries. It concludes as follows:

The people of Dersim have every right to decide their own future. Nobody has a right to intervene in this referendum, although frankly, we would be impressed if they could: almost any conceivable position the Turkish state could push would end up being the position of some leftist group in Dersim who would seize the opportunity to further destabilise the region from the perspective of the state. Almost none of us will honestly notice if Dersim does secede from itself, or Turkey, or Kurdistan, or whatever it’s a part of now, any more than most of Turkey notices this declaration we’re writing right now.

In the event of a “no” vote on Dersim’s secession from Dersim, the Maoists expect an escalation of the people’s war. Incidentally, this is also their expectation in the event of a “yes” vote.

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Shock as DSA Establishes Fraternal Relations with CPC

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NEW YORK CITY/TWITTER: The US left is reeling in the aftermath of DSA’s announcement that, following their decision to leave the so-called “Socialist International”, they have established fraternal relations with the revisionist Communist Party of China.

“After internal debate, we are entering into fraternal relations with our comrades of the CPC. Socialist China is a beacon to the world and a shining example of what we want to establish in America, only without going through the tankie Maoist phase,” said DSA spokesperson and self described “Dengist Harringtonite” Brendan O’Grady.

“We want Socialism with Chinese Characteristics, only instead it’s Socialism with American Characteristics. There’s no real difference between the two, only instead of mass unemployment and environmental degradation being masked by singing ‘March of the Volunteers’, we’ll sing ‘This Land is Your Land’” added O’Grady.

The Revolutionary Organisation of Labor, the US ICOR affiliate and chief source of Marxist entryism into the DSA, released the following statement:

At the current stage, we have to accept this embrace of Chinese revisionism as a step forwards for the proletariat of the US (North) oppressor nation. Viewing Chinese social imperialism as a model deserves harsh criticism, but the objective conditions are such that anything that can stand in the way of warmongering against the DPRK is progressive. Further, it is our hope that by passing through the Three Worlds Theory, we might eventually be able to steer the DSA towards Marxism-Leninism.

But let’s give the kids some credit, they’re moving pretty quick. They’re kicking out cops and they support Chokwe Antar Lumumba. Remember when we thought the best we could hope for was Sanders?

Less critical self-identified Marxist-Leninists in the US, particularly those found on Twitter, were thrown into confusion by these developments, which pitted their uncritical love of red flags against their uncritical hatred of practical politics in their own country:

“DSA is a bunch of petty bourgeois cop lovers! How could they support China? How could China support them?” asked a confused @BeriasT34.

“DSA has broken with imperialism. Long live DSA, long live Socialist China” @NKVDfan replied, adding a rose emoji to his Twitter name.

“It’s another psyop, everything’s a psyop,” opined @DaddyStalin.

“Except me”, he hastily added in a follow-up tweet.

At time of press, the Bolşevik Parti of Turkey and North Kurdistan (one of the country’s three ICOR affiliates) had released a twenty-page analysis of the DSA and the YDS, comparing the former to TİP and the RSDLP, and the latter to DevGenç and the Bolsheviki. The long screed ended by imploring the “rebel youth” of the DSA to send a representative to meet them in Germany to coordinate declarations. Fellow Turkish ICOR affiliate TİKB have reportedly sent an enquiry to the YDS Twitter page enquiring about coordinating armed struggle.

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News in Brief: July 15th 2017

CitizenMaxIsHauntingUs

THE INTERNET – Some years after Tumblr stopped being even a vague cultural influence on left-wing politics and well into the division of its former users into those who are engaged in quite broad front practical politics and those who have retreated from politics entirely, Marxist-Leninists on the internet remain convinced of the importance of fighting “SJWs” who are supposedly to be seen at every protest telling white male workers to “check their privilege”.

“Identity politics is dividing the working class,” explained a white man in an imperialist country to his internet audience of other white men in imperialist countries. “How does anyone expect to win over the working class when they talk about gay people and racism all the time?” referring to the all-white, all-male class which he has been extremely successful in winning over, unlike those horrific SJWs.

ST. PETERSBURG – Russian communists are trying to piece together what exactly the US government is accused of doing with the Russian state.

“So… the ‘resistance’ in the US refers to those people who feel the US state is not fighting hard enough for global hegemony?” asked local Враг Капитала reader Vladimir Semyonovich.

“I’m for revolutionary defeatism without exception,” protested Russian Maoist Party member Anna Mikhailovna, “so I don’t want Russian capital interests defended in Washington DC. But is there no one in the US who feel that the interests of capital in Washington DC should not be judged based on their Russianness?”

NEW YORK – ROL infiltration of the DSA is reportedly well underway, with the DSA already embracing national liberation for Afro-Americans and sending off martyrs to die in ICOR-approved armed struggle. Boston-based analysts expect the DSA to be a complete ROL front by 2019, right around the time the Democratic Party officially embraces the Three Worlds Theory as its lone “concession” to “the left”.

ANKARA – Worker’s Spatula correspondents are nervously considering whether or not to publish a story about Erdoğan condemning the French for celebrating Bastille Day, as he might do.

“Like, the joke is about how the Marxist tradition appropriates the French Revolution, and how Erdoğan is an arch-reactionary, and that,” explained [REDACTED 1] to her comrade during a Worker’s Spatula meeting.

“Right, but, even making a joke these days in Turkey makes you wonder,” replied [REDACTED 2]. “Erdoğan could easily say that the storming of the Bastille inspired the July 15th Coup Attempt, and…”

“Yeah…”

“Yeah…”