Worker’s Spatula Endorsement for US Presidency in 2020

Kentucky

DEEP IN THE MOUNTAINS OF KENTUCKY – Following years of rising popular struggle in the imperialist United States, Worker’s Spatula’s Central Committee have traveled to a mountain base in rural Kentucky to discuss the upcoming US Presidential Election of 2020. After heated discussion, the following statement was released:

Comrades, we are speaking to you from a guerrilla base of the Appalachian Liberation Movement, who have graciously hosted us for the past few days. We have dined upon exquisite cornbreads and sipped upon the finest Mountain Dews; we have discussed the Afro-American National Liberation Movement and lessons to be learnt from it that may be critically applied in Appalachia; we have been reading ROL and AIM propaganda and discussing their ramifications; above all else, we have been trying to unite the struggles of the poor and oppressed in the fight against capitalism, imperialism, and fascism.

Our support for Donald Trump in 2016 was right, and we are proud to have been responsible for all the heroic unity and struggle of the peoples of the multinational United States. But the question must be asked: have we accelerated the contradictions enough? Surely Donald Trump stands for everything that is wrong with capitalism and imperialism, with the established oppressor nation order, with the patriarchy. The masses in the US are in general agreement that never before has such a cartoonish, unbelievably open chauvinism stood at the face of their enemy. However, in all our discussions of late, two points have stood at the centre.

Firstly, and most obviously, we have been unable to forge a strong popular front within the United States, encompassing not only the oppressed nations and peoples, but also the broad working class of the U.S. (North) oppressor nation. Unfortunately for us, it is actually impossible to unite the “Yankee” working class in struggle with the oppressed nations because even the most progressive communist trends, except for the ROL and the FRSO, refuse to acknowledge the heroic leadership of these movements and unite with them in practice. Our continued popular front work within the DSA may yet yield some results, but for now, it is clear what the problem is:

The labour aristocratic politics which bestow concrete privilege disproportionately on the “Yankee” proletariat are still relatively strong and connected with US imperialism as such. The Sanders campaign of 2016 showed that positive demands can be put forth to this population as the austerity imposed by the ever-deepening crisis concretely attacks them. Therefore, to organise “white” workers, we must actually deepen the crisis. We must arrange for a government which will be even less responsive to the needs of the “white” proletariat than the Trump-Pence government. Then, and only then, will the “white” proletariat understand the imperialist bourgeois United States as its enemy and seek common struggle with the oppressed nations and nationalities.

Comrades, such a government is no dream. Worker’s Spatula would like to officially announce our support for a joint Trump-Clinton ticket in 2020. We believe this is possible and desirable for the following reasons:

  1. Clintonites hold that you must change the system “from within”, on the system’s own terms, no matter what. Truly, there would be no better opportunity for this than operating within the Trump campaign.
  2. The majority of Trump supporters are no more chauvinistic than Clinton supporters, and just as we endeavour to win Clinton supporters over to our cause, so too must we win Trump supporters over to our cause. Uniting the two camps in political practice will erode the need to begin any conversation with either that opposition to their erroneous political stance is not a result of support for the other half of the political “duopoly” of the US.
  3. We really could not think of any more provocative candidate to support this time than Hillary Clinton, and admit it, none of you really believe even an anti-austerity social democrat has a chance in the first place. This isn’t New Zealand.
  4. Mutual penetration of the opposites or something. Dialectics.

This decision received overwhelming support from the Appalachian revolutionaries with whom we discussed the matter at great length. If Appalachia is behind it, the rest of White AmeriKKKa have no excuse. Vanguard life, fam.

SUPPORT TRUMP AND CLINTON AGAINST THE WHITE WORKING CLASS OF THE IMPERIALIST UNITED STATES!

UPLIFT THE REVOLUTIONARY STRUGGLE OF ALL THE POOR AND OPPRESSED FOR LIBERATION AND AGAINST IMPERIALISM!

WORKERS AND OPPRESSED PEOPLES OF THE WORLD – UNITE!

Advertisements

Worker’s Spatula Ayatollah Clarifies Acts Prohibited During Ramadan Fast

Ramadan

BAGHDAD – During his traditional start-of-Ramadan address, Grand Ayatollah Hussein al-Sibatula has reiterated the importance of the Ramadan fast to communists around the world, and in particular the importance for the anti-revisionist faithful in refraining from all forbidden acts.

“No sex, which you shouldn’t be having even outside of Ramadan, unless you want to end up like the Iraqi Communist Party. No masturbation, intellectual or sexual, even after sunset. Obviously no food or drink, until the adhan sounds and it is time to feast upon bream and masgouf.

“No leather shoes,” added Ayatollah al-Sibatula, lest anyone forget.

“May Allah shower blessings upon those who complete the fast successfully,” the learned cleric continued to the assembled Bolshevik crowd. “Many of you will be in Sinjar, with the Yezidis, who will not be fasting. If you persevere, inşallah all your deviations of the past year will be forgiven.

“Naturally Ramadan is not only about the fast. It is a time for reflection on Allah’s mercy and the teachings in the Holy Qur’an and the writings of Vladimir Lenin. When Allah revealed His truth to our prophets, He knew that we would be tested. He tests us with the Ramadan fast, just as He tests us with the followers of Muawiyah, Trotsky, and Tito. But in the face of all these tests, we must be pure, in obedience to Allah. Purify your bodies, but also purify your minds, and your practice. Do not slander, do not backbite. Do not deviate to the left, or to the right. Do not engage in voluntarism, sectarianism, or opportunism.

“Whosoever can make it through all of Ramadan without speaking ill of the other three Worker’s Spatula organisations will be forgiven for all the dumb satire they have written, and their organisation will be blessed with many new and disciplined cadre.

“As Allah has willed, you have all made your niyyah. May Allah accept each and every one of your fasts, and may your newspapers be widely read. May the dialectic resolve all contradictions in your favour, and may the workers and oppressed peoples of the world unite.”

“Amin,” responded the gathered communists, reverently, before standing and shuffling out of the mosque, the cleric’s words weighing heavily on their minds for the rest of the day.

Allah bütün oruç tutanların orucunu kabul etsin. –Worker’s Spatula