News in Brief: February 1st 2017

Bidhya Devi Bhandari

KATHMANDU – A new Nepali constitution was introduced this week, which accidentally included the abolition of the institution of marriage: “I honestly cannot tell you how this happened,” said President Bidhya Devi Bhandari, when reached for comment by our Malaysian correspondent. “We’ve all been so distracted by foreign policy that I couldn’t even tell you where this latest proposal for rewriting the constitution originated. Maybe I did it? Maybe the Maoists? Somebody’s got to answer for this.”

Prime Minister Pushpa Kamal Dahal, better known as “Prachaveli”, strongly repudiated the claim in a televised interview conducted from his mansion: “I remember when the proposal first came up in parliament. It was the Trotskyites who proposed a new constitution. It’s always the Trotskyites, with their wrecking.

“I’m personally furious. What Maoist could oppose marriage, an institution in which our Chairprophet was an enthusiastic participant?”

İZMİR – Local DHKP-C cadres had a bit too much to drink last night, and announced themselves loudly as members to the police at the İZBAN, who proceeded to beat them silly, much to the horror of lookers-on.

Foreign sympathisers of the gun-wielding equivalent of the ÖDP are expected to get extremely drunk and provoke local police in solidarity. Haklılar, kazanacaklar.

TWITTERLAND – US communist Twitter was thrown into a panic at rumours of @bennykoval and @DadTankie‘s breakup. Our US correspondents could not think of anything else of interest to report back from that country, as the next ROL newsletter won’t be out for another month.

17-Year-Old Building Own Cult of Personality

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CHICAGO – 17-year-old Aaron Gold, or as he has recently begun insisting his followers refer to him, “Chairman Aaron”, is hard at work creating his very own cult of personality at CICS Northtown, where he has been relatively successful at promoting a Marxist-Leninist approach to politics among his classmates.

“Today we’re celebrating Chairman Aaron’s birthday, which is also the anniversary of the beginning of dekulakisation” explained Chairman Aaron’s best friend and first recruit, Joshua Washington. “Not with a cake or whatever, that’s exactly what the kulaks would want. No, we’re going to screen a documentary I made on my laptop about the time Chairman Aaron won a debate with some old revisionist from the CPUSA.”

“Chairman Aaron is our only real teacher at this bourgeois school,” explained Sara Ahadi, who was drawn to Chairman Aaron’s ideas while seated next to him during a particularly boring maths lecture. “We were talking about Trump, and I mentioned being annoyed by these white women who are still wearing their Clinton buttons, who never joined in with Black Lives Matter. He said we should try to unite with them against this common enemy without granting them hegemony. He says that in many cases, our initial differences might be ‘subliminalated’ in a ‘populist front’, which we can use to win over some of the Meghan Trainor fans (Marxist-Leninists listen to Sia).

“My mom says he meant ‘sublated’, but Chairman Aaron says she’s a Brezhnevite, so what does she know?”

Chairman Aaron is constantly seen meeting with diverse groups of students, adopting their mannerisms and style of speech in an attempt to facilitate a more dialectical communication process. Among Jewish students, he is always to be heard mentioning his single Jewish grandparent, while also fasting for the entire month of Ramadan as part of his infiltration of Muslim student groups.

“Have y’all heard about this murder clown Michael Israel? Homeboy got killed by a Turkish airstrike while fighting ISIS with his crew, the IFB,” explained Chairman Aaron to a small huddle of juggalos in the corner of the cafeteria.

“That’s what’s up, ninja,” intoned “Axeboy”, one of three nodding juggalos at the table as they inspected Chairman Aaron’s rendering of YPJ guerrillas in clown makeup, splitting the skulls of those whack ISIS bigots.

“Exploitation, alienation, oppression, imperialism; all that shit is whack,” explained one of the juggalos, who asked that he be credited as “Homidical Nutt”. “When Chairman A gets to talkin’ ’bout the dialectic, it’s just like the Dark Carnival, yo!”

“Yo, Chairman A was telling us about this dope homeboy Stalin, from Atlanta or some shit,” chimed in “Nonprovocative Steve”, the third member of the juggalo crew. “This crazy ninja killed Hitler, that’s like the most fucked-up bigot of all time!”

“Word,” concluded “Axeboy”, as he poured his juggalo comrades and our correspondent some plastic cups full of warm, flat Faygo. “Chairman A knows everything. I’m going to tattoo his face on my shaft as the ultimate symbol of my dedication to a critical approach to all established conditions. It’s gonna stretch out when I’m thinking about contradictions and rapidly contract in the event of quantitative change effecting qualitative change.”

“Me too,” agreed the others.

TKP Name Contested Again, Zuckerberg Weighs In

howmanytkps

İSTANBUL – Following over two years of increasing distance between the originally relatively amicable split in the revisionist organisation that was at the time simply referred to as the TKP (Communist Party of Turkey), tensions have flared up between KP (Communist Party, which would usually append “Turkey”, mostly to remind Kurds that they were the anti-Kurdish group formerly known as TKP, and not the tiny Kaypakkayacı outfit known as KP-İÖ) and the HTKP (People’s Communist Party of Turkey, known for having less people), following the latter’s announcement that they would be reclaiming the name TKP for themselves.

The former HTKP have legitimised their decision to declare themselves TKP without consulting KP by stating that the latter had been engaged in secret talks with the state regarding reclaiming the name. Knowing KP, who are constantly engaged in talks with the state about how to be as against Kurdish nationalism as possible, this is indeed likely. HTKP have backed up their decision by registering themselves with a far more legitimate source: Facebook.

Zuckerberg was ambushed for comment at a local Chinese restaurant where he was enjoying his Christmas dinner: “As a Brezhnevite myself, obviously I’m deeply concerned with these developments. It is Facebook’s official position that HTKP is now the legitimate Communist Party of Turkey. Erkan Baş is a dear comrade, and I will stand with him against any force on Earth. Now can I finish my 三杯雞?”

However, other forces have aligned behind the KP, with the TKH claiming that the HTKP’s move was “opportunist”, “infantile”, and “revisionist” [Editor’s note: ???].

Reaction from Dersim, the most communist place on Earth, however, may indicate that the KP is outnumbered. DHF-affiliated “TKP” mayor Maçoğlu tweeted a multi-part reaction which said: “When I was elected communist mayor of this municipality, there was a TKP whose name we were using, and that was fine at the time. But I had since gotten used to the TKP’s split meaning that it was obvious even to İzmir kids that I was some kind of Maoist. If they’re going to fight over who gets to be the TKP, and I have to choose a side, I guess I’ll go with Erkan Baş’s side, just because of our shared top quality moustaches, and because he’s the only nice person to affiliate with ‘TKP’ in decades.”

With Hüseyin Karabulut remaining silent as of press time, no neutral arbiter could be found within the Brezhenvite camp to resolve this conundrum, and multiple voices from the associated Turkish left merely contradict one another. Worker’s Spatula, the only objective news source covering the world revolutionary movement, could not let down our loyal readers without resolving the important question as who will be the heirs to the name associated with Mustafa Suphi. Our German correspondents got a hold of Stefan Engel, who was already extremely drunk on account of all the Christmas, but managed to slur out a German saying which we are to believe was intended as a kind of Nostradamic prophecy:

“Wenn zwei sich streiten freut sich der Dritte!”

The dialectic, which reveals itself through German expressions slurred out by a drunk Stefan Engel, has therefore revealed that TKP-1920 are to be the official heirs to Mustafa Suphi’s TKP legacy. HTKP is to join TÖPG and the KP is to rename itself Vatan Partisi (Marxist-Leninist).

Workers and oppressed peoples of the world – unite! And Merry Christmas!

KKE Leaves Syriza

kke-syriza

ATHENS – Following a lengthy debate at all levels over the past four years since the declaration of Syriza as a “party”, the Brezhnevite organisation known as the KKE has finally decided to leave Syriza and consider other options of engagement with bourgeois elections:

“Obviously, at the beginning, during the protests in the squares, we just wanted to unite in principled struggle with the people, rather than standing on the sidelines and preaching insane levels of purity, including the scolding of individual protesters, like a bunch of Trotskyites. So naturally we were very close to Syriza in those days,” explained a party spokesman sporting an extremely stylish Fidel Castro shirt.

“When it came time for Syriza to take part in elections, well, since we’ve always emphasised the importance of elections on the one hand and the legacy of Stalin and Brezhnev on the other, we simply had to take part in this clear example of popular front action.

“But lately we’re starting to consider that Syriza might have outlived its usefulness, and so we’re looking into perhaps joining Popular Unity, or Antarsya, or perhaps hosting some talks about the terms of a possible electoral alliance between the two.

“Anything to move beyond the sectarianism we’ve long condemned and provide a real way forward for our beloved Greek people, for whom we would sacrifice our very lives.”

Reactions from the rest of the Greek left have been mostly negative, with Greek Prime Minister or whatever he is Alexis Tsipras condemning the action as “ultra-left deviation by our last real friends in the EU, and the group on whom all of our hopes were so strongly pinned.

“Also, Koutsoumpas’s hair looks fucking terrible. This is why I get to be in charge and nobody’s even heard of you. I look like a sexy oil wrestler’s wet dream and you look like some kind of uncle from one of those countries where uncles don’t even grow moustaches.”

From the other side, Popular Unity and Antarsya were able to unite, but only in the action of releasing a joint statement condemning the KKE’s attempts at moving closer to them:

“There will never be a place for the KKE in Popular Unity or Antarsya. Both of our principles of unity clearly state that you must believe the Soviet Union went bad when either Lenin or Stalin died. It is simply unbefitting a Greek communist organisation to be able to explain your position on the Soviet Union without reference to any specific years.

“Frankly, you’re just not dialectical enough for us.”

Like everything else the KKE does, it is expected that the anti-Kurdish hate group KP and various “parties” in English-speaking countries will fall over themselves in sharing this latest example of heroism by the last real proletarian revolutionaries in Greece, the KKE.

Enver Hoxha Elected President of the United States

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WASHINGTON D.C. – Following a tense campaign between feminist theorist Hillary Clinton and male underwear model Donald Trump, the polls for the 2016 US Presidential Election closed today with every single state reporting back a win for the late Albanian socialist Enver Hoxha.

Most analysts are at a loss for how the deceased anti-imperialist who is not even a US citizen could have beaten out the Clinton dynasty and Trump’s name-brand recognition as a famous academic and gourmet halal butcher. However, communists across the world are making the claim that the accelerationist strategy of the many US communists who infiltrated Trump’s campaign has actually paid off: The fascist threat was simply perceived as so great that the masses across the United States had nowhere to turn but a heroic anti-fascist partisan leader.

Across the United States, celebrating youth took to the streets with their Albanian flags. “It’s really happening!” exclaimed a young woman who identified herself as “Red Dawn”, with tears of joy in her eyes, “The revisionists are going to get it now! Throw ’em into the fire, break their backs!”

“We did it, comrades! Marxism-Leninism, Marxism-Leninism, Marxism-Leninism!” announced Hoxha campaign representative Alfonso Casal, from his personal bunker in Chicago. “Hope is all around us. Liberation is coming. I would like to announce my own candidacy for mayor of Chicago. I will be running on a platform of punching Rahm Emanuel in the fucking face.”

In her concession speech, Clinton stated that “Although I think expropriating the expropriators, national liberation, and bunkers from sea to shining sea are not the sort of policies that will help America, I believe in the peaceful transition of power. This is what makes our country truly great, and I call on all Americans to accept that we now live under a dictatorship of the proletariat.”

For his part, Trump responded to the question “How do you feel about losing?” by saying “Oh, did I lose?” before laughing a big belly laugh and evaporating before the very eyes of assembled reporters.

Our Santiago representative sat down with a young man in dire need of a haircut to discuss the international reaction to the Hoxha win:

“Well, tas tas tas, obviously.” explained the PC(AP) representative. “The ICMLPO is ecstatic, and ICOR elements are already looking into how to use this win as leverage in the campaigns to free Figen Yüksekdağ and Alp Altınörs.

“The RIM Maoists have declared it a win for ‘dogmato-revisionism’, but who really understands what those guys are talking about? Red suns and higher stages and dogmato-revisionism, it’s all quite spooky.”

The KKE also released a statement which summarised the win as representing “the will of the people of the United States, and proof that exclusively running in bourgeois elections while eschewing all compromise is a sure path to victory.”

While international communist response to the Hoxha win was generally cautiously optimistic to positive, the local official representatives of “communism”, the CPUSA, released the following statement:

“We condemn this adventurist victory on behalf of the Enver Hoxha campaign, which, like the Sanders campaign before it, could threaten the Democrats’ ability to control 100% of the senate and congress, which we must reiterate is the only way in which we can hope to subjectively intervene and present ourselves with better objective conditions.”

After China’s Sesame Credit System: Spatula Credits

广州 – Following the success of the CPC’s “Sesame Credit” system, which keeps track of PRC citizenry’s adherence to the revisionist line of the aforementioned party, Worker’s Spatula’s diasporic Chinese comrade was sent back to her motherland to carry out research for the development and implementation of a similar system. Now, some months later, we are proud to reveal that just by reading this, you have your own “Spatula Credit” score to which only we, Worker’s Spatula, have access.

Yes, using data harvested by Turkish communist hacker group RedHack, Worker’s Spatula now has access to most of the online activity of our readers, which we use to determine whether and in which direction you have deviated from the correct Marxist-Leninist line. Left deviation will be punished more harshly than right deviation, in true Stalinist fashion; for each one point of left deviation or ten points of right deviation, an e-mail will be sent to a comrade of yours informing them that you are a factionalist traitor to your organisation, and should be the subject of harsh criticism at the next meeting.

The “Spatula Credit” system relies not only on the “stick”, but the “carrot” method as well: Activities like repudiating revisionist and Trotskyite lies, as well as sharing articles from the ICOR website, will result in deletion of deviation points and Worker’s Spatula assistance to you in your daily life. Are you in a union? Those with low deviation points will have Worker’s Spatula agents dispatched to assist with crucial strike votes. Do you work in a progressive café or bookshop? We will sabotage rivals in your area to increase your sales. Are you an academic Marxist? Shame on you. Just… shame on you.

We had initially hoped to incorporate back-end photo recognition data from Facebook to allocate a higher portion of the “Spatula Credit” score to protest participation, but unfortunately, Facebook was uncooperative.

But it’s alright if Israel needs your help, innit Facebook?

Want to increase your Spatula Credit score by a whole lot? Purchase a Worker’s Spatula t-shirt and help advertise us to the world! Uphold the correct line!

Ultra-Lefts Angry at Black People Again

draftproposal

RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA – Following the police murder of Keith Lamont Scott in Charlotte, North Carolina, protests have erupted drawing in large sections of Afro-American youth and progressives of other national backgrounds. But at least one group isn’t joining in this latest uprising:

“I understand why they’re angry, but the solution is really a worker’s revolution,” stated proud “left oppositionist” and local game store employee Mike Surname. “Without the leadership of a worker’s party, poor Black people will never be meaningfully free.”

Local “red guard” Dawn “Red Dawn” Smith disagreed: “What they need is a people’s war, led by a Gonzalist Maoist organisation. Unlike the Trots, our specific brand of communism is such that we tell Black people that they are a nation, and that their national interest is to join our particular sectarian branch of the socialist movement and work for its development for the purpose of an explicitly socialist revolution. Anything else would be bourgeois, of course.”

“NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE!” interjected a passing crowd of angry Afro-American youth, which neither of the particular flavours of white socialist made any attempt to encourage or join, being far too busy bemoaning their inability to organise the masses on the particular line of struggle they had chosen, independent of real world struggle.

Not to be outdone, the opportunists also interjected their views on how the masses were both wrong and stupid:

“What I’m saying is, these aren’t proletarians. Burning trucks, screaming ‘fuck the police’? No, these are clearly lumpenproletarians. I’ve heard about them, but I can never approach them, for fear that I’ll get some poverty on me,” said Jacob Christgau, local CPUSA organiser and union member who does not like the term “labour aristocracy”.

“A real worker’s revolution will emerge from SEIU meetings in an orderly fashion, without all this foolish violence. JCP and KKE both agree with me on this, where’s your international?”

“ICOR? I’ve never heard of that.”

Japanese Communist Party Entering its Avant-Garde Phase

shii

OSAKA – Having long since abandoned any pretence of being a Leninist vanguard communist party, the Japanese Communist Party is now apparently experimenting with being an avant-garde communist party.

“work                            ers POLITICAL. political lacitilop L A B O U R ¿ J a           pan;;;;              elect      ion,” explained Kazuo Shii [No relation. –WS Editor in Chief] in the form of a poem recited in the place of a speech at a recent rally in Osaka, performed over a soundtrack of atonal guitar playing. “WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR!”

“Peace.” he concluded.

Michiro Endo, best known as vocalist for the seminal Japanese punk act ‘The Stalin’, hailed the change in presentation by the Eurocommunist party: “I’ve been saying for years that the party needs to rebrand itself in a bid to reach more people outside the traditional sites of industrial labour organising, and I’ve also for years endorsed the mentality reflected in their new slogan: ‘Humanity is naked with naughty bits a-floppin’, we are the communists, we won’t be stoppin’.”

Yasuko Onuki, of Melt-Banana fame, also expressed her hope that members of the Japanese punk scene would embrace the creative new direction of the JCP, and was enthusiastic about the idea of personally getting involved in helping to build the rejuvenated party: “I will play benefit concerts for them, just as long as I don’t have to shake hands with any of their friends from the CPUSA. There is not enough hand sanitiser in the world for me to do that.”

The Zainichi Korean community loyal to the Workers’ Party of Korea remains suspicious of the JCP. Although a recent protest was carried out “in support of the DPRK’s right to self defence”, our correspondent in Osaka found that most local Zainichi Koreans suspect this was done sarcastically, particularly after the protesters joined together in a song whose lyrics called on the DPRK to nuke Tokyo, Posadas style.

“This is Japan, you know?” explained Ms. Kim, head of a local youth organisation for Zainichi Koreans, “Even the communists talk about ‘Japanese sovereignty’ and refuse to acknowledge that Japan is still an imperialist country. We’re not hopeful that they’ll come to their senses.”

On the other end of the national question spectrum, there are the Ryukyu republicans, who have historically been warm to the JCP’s stance on the US military presence in Okinawa. However, the turn to the surreal has cost the party dearly, as an earnest march against the military presence was interrupted by local JCP cadres throwing noodles in every direction and screaming “LENIN WAS TAIWANESE! LENIN WAS TAIWANESE!” in the faces of the protestors, in what the JCP later described as “a biting satire about colonialism in the Asia-Pacific region”.

In response to this shocking turn of events, various Trotskyist groups around the world have released statements by their sister organisations in Japan who are literally better known in English language Trotskyist publications than they are in Japan itself. The Japanese people remain blissfully ignorant of the continued existence of Trotskyism.

KP Visitor to Diyarbekir Disgusted by Headscarved Woman

DBekir

DIYARBEKIR/AMED – Ankara “Komünist Parti” cadre Cenk Uğur visited Diyarbekir today, to take in the political culture and make a rational analysis, as well as meet local KP comrades in their office.

Of particular note was the presence of ESP in the city, whose rhetoric and mannerisms Uğur felt especially unbecoming of a supposedly revolutionary socialist organisation:

“Can you believe they had a headscarved woman in their midst? I mean, you guys don’t seem to have any women at all in your ranks, but if you did I’m sure you’d agree with me that they should be completely secular, just like our vision of socialism for Turkey,” explained Uğur to his nodding comrades.

“Well what do you expect from ESP, comrade? They don’t understand socialism like we do. They’re vulgar Kurdish nationalists, so they dress and act and think and talk exactly like the DBP,” responded Şîrvan Öztürk, the apparent leader of the Diyarbekir KP group.

“We need to leave behind all our old prejudices, whether bourgeois Kurdish nationalism or Islam, and build a totally new society. This is what makes the KP special.”

Uğur left very disappointed with Diyarbekir as a whole, but consoled himself with the high quality of his new comrades. Following Uğur’s departure, local KP cadres wasted no time in looking up their new comrade on Facebook, where they harshly judged his sister’s “whorish” appearance.

At press time, Uğur had received friend requests from all the KP cadres in Diyarbekir, along with this message from Öztürk:

It was great meeting you today, comrade. I hope we’ll be able to come out to Ankara to see you, your comrades, and your family. Long live socialism!

“Why are the Dumb Masses Abandoning Us?” asks CPI(M)

WestBengal

KOLKATA – “We’re suffering in the polls again!” cried local ‘communist revolutionary’ Laxman Chandra Pilao as he stepped out onto the street to meet with our local correspondent, whose hand he briskly shaked without stopping as he strode forward into the street. “I don’t know how we’re going to recover from the last election at this rate. Come quickly, don’t delay.”

“There’s only one thing to do” Pilao exclaimed as he grabbed a ‘chai’ tea from a chaiwala, forgetting to leave money. As our correspondent tried to quickly count out the appropriate amount for the chaiwala, he noticed that Pilao was escaping around the corner, styrofoam cup of piping hot tea in hand. “It’s clear that we just need to go to the masses and explain to them that we are still their favourite party, even if some of them seem to be forgetting it.”

“Why do you suppose they’re forgetting it?” asked our correspondent, quite earnestly.

“Modi magic is still alive, for one thing. Also, Congress types keep fiendishly running against us in elections. Elections are very important to CPI(M) because we use them to expose groups like Congress.”

His comrade, Dhanesh Kar, speaking to our correspondent at his union office later that day, concurred: “Congress are like Tito, they may look progressive, but given the slightest chance and they will completely sell their souls to imperialism. Unfortunately, for some reason people can’t see the difference between us and Congress, so we might as well run together to increase our visibility to the stupid, blind masses.”

“I’m out here, every day, trying to tell these people to stop abandoning us,” informed local ‘militant’ Raghavaram Khichuri. “They seem more interested in their everyday problems, which could easily be solved if the CPI(M) were given total power in West Bengal!” he said, referring to the party which dominated state politics for three decades.

“We are called the communist party! That makes us important, and if the people don’t see that, then they are objective agents of fascism!”