“Why are the Dumb Masses Abandoning Us?” asks CPI(M)

WestBengal

KOLKATA – “We’re suffering in the polls again!” cried local ‘communist revolutionary’ Laxman Chandra Pilao as he stepped out onto the street to meet with our local correspondent, whose hand he briskly shaked without stopping as he strode forward into the street. “I don’t know how we’re going to recover from the last election at this rate. Come quickly, don’t delay.”

“There’s only one thing to do” Pilao exclaimed as he grabbed a ‘chai’ tea from a chaiwala, forgetting to leave money. As our correspondent tried to quickly count out the appropriate amount for the chaiwala, he noticed that Pilao was escaping around the corner, styrofoam cup of piping hot tea in hand. “It’s clear that we just need to go to the masses and explain to them that we are still their favourite party, even if some of them seem to be forgetting it.”

“Why do you suppose they’re forgetting it?” asked our correspondent, quite earnestly.

“Modi magic is still alive, for one thing. Also, Congress types keep fiendishly running against us in elections. Elections are very important to CPI(M) because we use them to expose groups like Congress.”

His comrade, Dhanesh Kar, speaking to our correspondent at his union office later that day, concurred: “Congress are like Tito, they may look progressive, but given the slightest chance and they will completely sell their souls to imperialism. Unfortunately, for some reason people can’t see the difference between us and Congress, so we might as well run together to increase our visibility to the stupid, blind masses.”

“I’m out here, every day, trying to tell these people to stop abandoning us,” informed local ‘militant’ Raghavaram Khichuri. “They seem more interested in their everyday problems, which could easily be solved if the CPI(M) were given total power in West Bengal!” he said, referring to the party which dominated state politics for three decades.

“We are called the communist party! That makes us important, and if the people don’t see that, then they are objective agents of fascism!”

US Maoists Form Cricket League

chairmanofthesixes

NEW YORK – Representatives of the RCPUSA, the Maoist Communist Group, and the NCP-LC have met and announced the formation of the US Maoist Cricket League as part of their efforts to get the average US proletarian interested in people’s wars in South Asia.

“The average American knows very little about South Asia’s rich and vibrant cultures, and their fierce dedication to communist ideology, which reached new heights in its development under Chairman Mao Zedong, himself a top notch batsman. At his prime, he was probably better than Richard Nixon himself,” stated a representative of the Maoist Communist Group, holding aloft a clearly doctored photograph of Mao taking a swing with a cricket bat.

“Mao Zedong, Chairman of the Sixes.”

The league intends to hold regular limited overs matches every weekend throughout the year in various cities across the country. In addition to the actual match, the US Maoist groups will take turns giving lectures on South Asian Maoist groups they admire or to which they have links. “We won the drawing of lots, so we’ll be going first,” said a representative of the RCPUSA. “It works out great for us because we’re gonna talk about the CCP(Maoist), but we’re just going to talk about them talking about Bob Avakian. New Synthesis, motherfuckers!”

The Revolutionary Organization of Labor, USA has offered “critical support” to the formation of the league: “As is known, we’re not too keen on the Cultural Revolution. The league’s ‘points of unity’, however, include ‘upholding the correct line of Chairman Mao Zedong, architect of the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution, the height of actual communist practice,’ right after a line that just says ‘BOOM BOOM AFRIDI!’.

“It ought to be pretty clear that on those grounds, we simply can’t join as full members. However, it does seem like a good way to reach out to the Afro-Caribbean community, so we do intend to show up and hand out our newsletter outside, and see if we can negotiate a presentation about Indian ICOR members at some point.”

Polls indicate that a vanishingly small minority of US citizens are interested in learning about cricket at all, let alone joining a cricket league run by Maoists. However, immigrants from countries which are full ICC members, and South Asian immigrants in particular, have shown a cautious interest in the inaugural match in Queens.

“The thing is, they’re very bad at playing cricket,” explained Gurdal Singh, a local restaurateur from India’s Punjab province. “Just, truly awful. You would think that they could apply some of what they know of baseball, but no.”

His friend Ahmed Sharif agreed: “It is like watching a sport abortion. I thank God that our people did not emerge from British rule like this, fat and flabby and unable to play cricket.”

Pradhan Joshi, a Nepali shop owner, agreed: “We have a saying in Nepal: Unlucky in cricket, unlucky in people’s war. This lot will never succeed in a people’s war. In Nepal we had years of people’s war, I know what it takes. These Americans are out of shape, they lack discipline. They think they can go up to the mountains for months and years? When I suggested they try a five-day test match next summer one of them told me: ‘fuck that.’”

Reaction from South Asia has been more positive. “In spite of all divisions in the international Maoist movement, in spite of the objective weakness of revolutionaries in the imperialist United States, we take this as a sign of hope for international revolution. If cricket can unite the world, Maoism is surely next!” read a statement by the CPI(Maoist), who have reportedly celebrated the formation of the league by bombing a “bourgeois” cricket stadium.

CWI affiliate Socialist Movement Pakistan agreed: “In spite of our opposition to Maoism and Maoists, we support the news that Americans suddenly care about cricket for any reason, and we believe that more cricket in the United States will strengthen internationalist feelings of solidarity between South Asians and the goras.”

Other Maoist groups around the world have been less positive. A joint statement was released by the TKP/ML and MKP of Turkey/North Kurdistan:

“First of all, nothing with Bob Avakian involved in it can be a good idea. We learnt this the hard way. Secondly, what do you think you’re doing? This isn’t mass line at all. What you’ve done is taken something that you’re engaged in because you’re a Maoist, and tried to present it to the masses to make them Maoists. This is idealist in the extreme. What, would you have us go to Turkish villages with plates of curry and try to make the villagers Maoist that way?”

A representative of the NCP-LC responded: “See, that’s how we can tell they don’t have very good curry in Istanbul. I became a Maoist specifically because curry is so delicious.”

SELF-CRITICISM: The authors were previously unaware that after the split of NCP-LC from NCP(OC), the rump NCP(OC) renamed itself the Maoist Communist Group. A commenter alerted us of this, and the piece has been edited to reflect this reality. We have the Marxist-Leninist weapon of criticism and self-criticism. We can get rid of a bad style and keep the good.