Communist Strongly Supportive of Islamic Republic’s Repression


NOT TEHRAN – Following news of days of anti-corruption protests in Iran, Dennis Kunkel, local communist who is not just a gadfly and contrarian, thank you very much, has been really relishing reminding everyone that the protests will not result in the overthrow of the great, anti-imperialist, Islamic Republic of Iran, which he as a communist supports heartily, an unrequited love for the ages, given the Islamic Republic’s practical policies on communists.

“Hassan Rouhani is the legitimate president of Iran,” explained Kunkel, seemingly unaware of which protests were being discussed. “His government is an anti-imperialist government, and these protests are backed by Shah-supporters, Israel, Saudi Arabia, and the CIA,” he said, ignoring the fact that several years prior, he had described the “reformists” of Iran, among whose number President Rouhani is generally counted, as representing a similar existential threat to “the Axis of Resistance”.

Asked by our local correspondent if he considered Iranians had any legitimate grievances with their government, and whether international solidarity could be offered to them in any legitimate terms, Kunkel responded: “If I were an Iranian communist, I would explain to other Iranians that whatever problems we face now, if the Iranian state were weakened, the forces of imperialism could sponsor right-wing militias that might imprison and torture us.

“In the worst case, a total overthrow of the Islamic Republic would result in a situation like Iraq. Back in the days before the US invasion, Saddam Hussein and the Islamic Republic had a sort of united front against imperialism, and Iraqi people benefited from this. Then after the US invasion, the new puppet regime would have lost all anti-imperialist potential if it weren’t for Iran’s role in the region.”

“Read your Lenin,” he concluded, cryptically.

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Point/Counterpoint: Iranian Elections


Point: We Must Support Rouhani as the Communist Candidate for Iran
by Worker’s Spatula Representative

Iran is a complicated place, with multiple nations living within its borders, a severely repressed trade unionist movement with roots going back decades, and extremely difficult contradictions with regard to women’s issues. There is no easy answer to the many problems that face Iran, from secularism to socialism, and we must make tactical compromises.

Under the current conditions, it seems that the Rouhani presidency can still play a progressive role. While there can be no substitute for a movement of the streets for Iranian comrades on the ground, they too would reluctantly agree that Rouhani represents the most progressive force possible at his level of “big” politics.

As one of the founders of the Worker’s Spatula Centre for Shariati Studies, I have long had a keen interest in Iran and its politics. As a supporter of the ICMLPO (Unity and Struggle), I am deeply interested in contradictions in the international arena. That’s why, in spite of my many criticisms of Mr. Rouhani, I have nothing but the strongest support for his plan to heal old wounds between our movement and the regime by promoting Hamid Reza Chitgar’s daughter as his choice for the next Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran, following the death of Khamenei.

In spite of the Iranian regime’s many flaws, and many compromises with imperialism which possessed an opportunistic rather than tactical character, there is still hope for Iran, even within reformist elements of the regime. Rouhani’s recent interview in which he described Ebrahim Raisi as “a proponent of the revisionist Three Worlds Theory” represents such a hope.

Vote Rouhani in the upcoming Iranian elections, the only candidate who has read Alain Badiou!

Counterpoint: Vote Rouhani to Stem the Tide of Counter-Revolution!
by Twitter Left Representative

Iran is not a complicated country, with so-called “multiple nations” (as all true Marxist-Leninists know, this is an impossibility, as there can only be one Iranian nation), or so-called “contradictions”. It is quite simply this: the most heroic, self-sacrificing anti-imperialist state in the world!

Iran is the greatest, and anyone who criticises Iran for any reason is probably a Trot. Not only do the masses of Iranians wholly support their regime, which is almost as socialist as Syria or China, but the downtrodden peoples in all neighbouring countries, whether Iraq, Afghanistan, or Pakistan, all agree that Iran has always rushed to their defence in times of need.

Since Iran is good, and not bad, any challenge to the established order in Iran is plainly a plot by US imperialism, and must be fiercely opposed. Therefore, anyone who votes for, or encourages a vote for, or stands as a candidate against the legitimate President of the Islamic Republic of Iran, is an objective agent of US imperialism, and a wrecker who deserves no fate gentler than immediate execution.

To those who even dream of discussing what the effect of any change to the government in Iran might mean for the position of Supreme Leader following the latter’s death, know this: If the Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran chooses to die at any point, this too represents an act of collusion with US imperialism. I call on Supreme Leader Sayyid Ali Hosseini Khamenei to resolutely stand against the US imperialist plot of ageing and death, and instead live on forever, in hiding, much like Muhammad al-Mahdi.

In conclusion: Vote Rouhani for stability in the face of the Kurdish and Baloch ethno-nationalist plots of objective agents of US imperialism, like Worker’s Spatula.

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Iranian Diaspora Sip Barolo, Reaffirm Uselessness of People in Iran


BEVERLY HEEL, KAWLIFORNIYAW – The smell of cologne wafted over Southern California today as over 75 “opposition” Iranian-Americans gathered Friday night at the house of engineer, restaurateur, rug merchant and legitimate businessman Majid Hosseini to discuss the state of Iran today. Sipping on fine Piedmontese Barolo (expertly paired with qorme sabzi), the walking advertisements for Gucci discussed the potential for political upheaval in the Southwest Asian (but actually quite “vestorn”, because they are “Aryans”, you see) country which might allow for their triumphant return to the mamlakat.

Throughout the evening, truisms about the oppressive nature of the regime and the unwillingness of the Iranian people to lift a finger to liberate themselves were repeated. “All the mollahs are donkeys!” shouted “Doktor” Hosseini as the other 74 members of the group nodded along to his trailblazing and wholly original analysis. “Not a single country in the world is more oppressed and in need of liberation than Iran.”

“I just got back from Tehran, and you can see how everyone is obsessed with consumption and chasing after an elite lifestyle rather than thinking about the future,” pontificated “Doktor” Hosseini’s friend and  dentist, restaurateur, rug merchant and legitimate businessman Ahmad Akbarzadeh, while adjusting his blue silk shirt. “By the way, Armani is having a sample sale this weekend,” he added, to riotous applause.

His wife, Goli Akbarzadeh, programmer, restaurateur, rug merchant and legitimate businesswoman, concurred: “As long as people keep being distracted by things that don’t fundamentally matter, these donkey mollahs will keep running the country.”

Her friend from UCLA, Farideh Zamani, paused from liking selfies she had taken of herself during a shopping expedition earlier that day on Facebook to disagree: “You forget that these mollahs are such donkeys that they don’t even know how to run a country properly. I know. I went to Iran last month for my cousin’s wedding.” The lawyer, restaurateur, rug merchant and legitimate businesswoman rose above the table, propped up by her six-inch stilettos, before adding: “It’s all because of religion. They should bring back the Shah. He was a great leader who really got secularism, just like Kamawl Atatork. If he hadn’t left, we’d be just like Torkey right now.”

The sole dissenting opinion was provided by Rojin Kelhuri, a keffiyeh-clad PhD student in political science and avid reader of Worker’s Spatula, who had accidentally responded to the Facebook event invitation and had to attend based on shame alone. “The only way forward is to mobilise the workers and the oppressed in Iran in militant struggle. Not all the people in Iran are bourgeois professionals who can afford to fly back and forth from the country and pontificate on its idealised potential while not engaging in the concrete conditions.”

A tense silence covered the rest of the table as the disturbingly non-Tehrani opinions kept coming: “Iran is full of Afghan construction workers, Kurdish kids who get executed for nothing more than expressing their opinions, and the Baloch who still have to suffer from malaria in a country posting 8% economic growth! Militancy and mobilisation are the only way forward, whether in Iran or right here in LA! You’re all cut off from reality, and that’s why you admire the fascist Turkish state.”

“Stop acting the Kord!” shouted “Doktor” Hosseini, “it’s always got to be about DOING something with you people. How much time do you think people have? And besides, those Afghans leave their country because Iran is the greatest country in the world – something you Kords don’t understand because you’re too busy with your smuggling and your raised fists and your PJAK.”

At press time, Kelhuri excused himself as the topic turned to the apparent laziness of “de belacks”, as evidenced by the generally lower socio-economic position compared to Iranian Americans in spite of the latter’s recent immigrant status and inferior ability to “espeak Eengleesh”.